This Could Be Trouble
by armless-phelan
Summary: Rick is anything but a warrior. In fact, he's pretty much a coward. Will that change when he's wakes up in a world of swords, sorcery, and puffy pants? Um... Slash. Famslash. SI. TW: Violence, mentions of rape, dubcon
1. I hate my life!

Chapter 1: I hate my life!

A/N: Okay, be prepared. This is my first SI, and I hope that I don't butcher the game. My brother moved recently, taking our only copy of FFIX with him, so I have to try to do this by memory. I will be using original dialogue and screwing around a bit with the plot a bit because I think it'll be fun. Moreover, after reading the first few chapters, a very big question may pop into your minds concerning Rick. The answer is YES, so get over it.

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I hate summer vacation; the endless hours of boredom that I can only fill with books, TV, and video games. At least I can catch up on my Soaps before my parents make me get a job. I also hate being single. Life is just such a drag when all of my friends are out on dates and I'm stuck at home with only my buddies Ben and Jerry to cheer me up. Hell, half the time I don't even get that luxury because my mother spent our money on something stupid like toilet paper instead of comfort food. What good is toilet paper going to be if I don't even have anything to eat and then excrete! (Eww…) Kind of defeats the purpose, if you ask me.

"Richard!" my mother yells for the umpteenth time today. "You didn't do the dishes!"

"I'll be right down," I call back with false sweetness. Really, I want to wretch. I hate doing dishes. My mom cooks these really nasty meals consisting of some poor dead animal, and half the time it gets burnt onto the pot and has to be scraped off, which I hate doing. I always end up with all of this grossness under my nails and it takes forever to dig it out.

"You are so lazy. Sometimes I wonder why I had children," my mother says as I bound down the stairs and into the living. There she stands, arms all folded across her chest and a look of death in her eyes. "Go do the dishes."

Ignoring her, I hold out my arms and spin around to show off my new sweater. I know sweaters are fall and winter attire, but it just looked so cute on the hanger that I had to spend the last of my birthday money on it. Of course, my mother doesn't say a word. Fashion is so unappreciated in my family. Half the time my dad walks around in nothing but his underwear, which overweight and middle-aged men have no business doing. Well, George Clooney (who, thankfully, isn't overweight) could do it, but only because he's George Clooney.

"Did I not just tell you to go in the kitchen and clean the pots and pans?" my moms huffs again. I roll my eyes and glance at my nails before regarding her.

"Why do I have to clean them?" I whine. Really, I'm a big baby. I still cry when I read _Old Yeller_ and _Gone with the Wind_. Man! What Scarlet must've looked like with that red dress at the bazaar! Maybe I should watch the movie again, there's a copy of it somewhere in my house. Then I look at my mother. She's not at all pleased with my attitude, so I try to appeal to her logical side. "I don't eat any of that stuff anyway. Why should I have to clean it?"

Then come those four words that make me want to rip my hair out. "Because I said so."

I fight the urge to do so because it takes me forever to style my hair just right. In all honesty, I don't see why I do it. Nobody ever notices. The sacrifices, meaning the half an hour in the bathroom with nothing but my product and a mirror, I make for style.

"Ma," I say in all of my Mid-Western glory, "listen to me. I'm a vegetarian and don't eat meat. You and dad are practically carnivores. I don't go around telling you to stop eating all of those baby lambs and pigs, so please don't make me clean up your slaughtering."

"Shut up and do it! You don't do anything else around here. Look at this place. It's a mess!" she shrieks. My eyes scan the living room and I wince. Aside from the ugly brown carpet, boring light blue walls, and hideous floral-patterned furniture, the living room looks like a war zone. The coffee table is covered with magazines and mail, there are dirty plates and cups in every crevice possible, and the floor is covered with towels because of our fifteen-year-old beagle with bladder problems. Then they wonder why I stay in my room all the time.

"It's not my fault!" I decry in outrage, being a real drama queen. This is so unfair! I'm only 17, so I can't just leave. "I'm in my room all the time, so don't blame this on me."

My mother is exasperated and rubs her temples before looking at me like she wants to strangle me. I actually shrink back in fear and whimper a little. My, how macho of me. Scared of a forty-something homemaker. If the military saw me now, would they still be sending me all of those things in the mail telling me to _be the best I can be_?

"Just go to your room. I'll let your dad deal with you when he gets home," she says. I scamper back upstairs and close the door behind me. Clapping and jumping in victory, I plop down on my bed. My dad never makes me do anything. Well, for a few years, he tried to get me to go to church with him every Sunday morning, but it didn't go over well. It interrupted my weekend beauty sleep, which always seemed to catch up with me as I sat in those uncomfortable pews while some idiot yelled about something that I didn't care about. Then, later, there were other reasons… He just gave up.

I wonder what to do until dad gets home until I see my PSX. My brother and I used to share it, but then he got a job and a PS2, leaving me with the "obsolete" gaming system. Of course, I don't care. He bought the PSX a few years ago with his Christmas money. I didn't have to shell out a dime for anything but my games.

Now, let's see what I have to work with. When he got his PS2, my brother took all of the games he bought. His library is considerably larger than mine, since most of my money goes to my awesome wardrobe. Anyway, all I have is Final Fantasy VII-IX, Tomb Raider III, and Resident Evil 2. As much as I love zombies and girls with guns, I decide to be a little adventurous and save the world from some maniac with a large ego.

My favourite game is FFVIII, but I'm not in the mood for it just now. Quistis rocks and all, but I beat it just the other day. I could face off against Sephiroth and Shinra, but it always takes forever to get Yuffie. Really, she's the main reason I play the game. The Wutai episode with Yuffie, Elena, and Don Corneo always makes me fuzzy inside. Eh, I guess Zidane and company is coming to my rescue. I really do like the game's music and the moogles. They were their most prevalent since FFVI with Mog.

"Yay!" I chirp happily as I pop open my PSX and stick the first disk in. Then I close it and hit the power button. It goes through all of its company-naming stuff and finally I get to play. Well, since I don't have a saved file on this memory card, I'm going to play a new game. It's so awesome, because that means I get to watch Steiner crash into the side of the Prima Vista!

"Richard, get down here!" mommy dearest yells again, just as the FMV sequence of Garnet and her birth mother in the boat starts. I love the graphics and take a moment to admire them. Apparently, I do so for a second too long as my mom yells again. "Richard! I want you down here now!"

Turning away sadly, I walk to my door and grab the handle. When my hand comes into contact with the brass, though, I get shocked. Ignoring the shock, I open it anyway and turn to look at my TV as I step out the door and promptly fall into nothingness.

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A/N: So, what did you guys think? The actual game stuff starts in the next chapter, but I wanted to do the gratuitous "this is me before getting sucked into the game" chapter. Rick isn't exactly like me, though we both do have a profound love for spoiled southern bells and their awesome clothes.


	2. Wow, it's Alexandria!

Chapter 2: Wow, it's Alexandria!

A/N: Here's the game. I haven't read an SI fic that goes about quite like mine will, so please don't be turned off too much.

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"Richard, wake up!" a man with a deep voice all but shouts in my ear. For a brief moment, I think it's my dad and respond with all of the disrespect I can muster. I mean, really, there's no need to be this rude.

"I told you, it's Rick. Richard is for old people, and if you even think about calling me Ricky I'll rip your head off," I say as I try to blink away the crud that has gathered in the corners of my eyes. Yeah, niceness isn't one of my better qualities. "Besides, I'm right here. You didn't need to yell."

There is the sharp intake of breath before the idiot starts yelling again. I'm so going to spit in his coffee. "You are giving me orders! I never should've let you join the Knights of Pluto, you slacker!"

Finally, I open my eyes all the way to get the face of a man who definitely isn't my father in my vision. He's not a looker, but he definitely isn't hideous either. It takes a second, but I start to recognize his features. The guy looks like Steiner from FFIX, but he can't be. Then I remember he said something about the Knights of Pluto. Where am I, some kind of video game convention? Then why is he yelling at me?

I look down at myself and cringe. My totally awesome sweater is gone and replaced with this incredibly ugly armour. As soon as I can, I'm getting rid of it. Then my eyes travel along my arms and I see leather gloves on my hands. It's impossible. I never wear leather, faux leather, yes, but never the real thing. Cows shouldn't have to die just so I can look good. Then again, with this outfit nobody could. Why couldn't the idiot who brought me to this convention have picked out a better costume? Hey, wait, how did I even get here?

"Get up! We have to find the princess!" Mr. Looks-like-Steiner yells as he jumps up and down. It makes his armour clink, and I notice that it's rusty. Not all over, mind you. Just in small patches here and there. Either this guy is too poor to afford a good costume, or he actually is Steiner. But if that's the case, then I really am in FFIX. I really don't to fight things and run across the world after a crazy, but well dressed, maniac.

"Ok, I'll look for the princess," I say as I stand up. This armour is really heavy, and I hear a scraping sound as soon as I stand up. I look at my side and see a sword in a sheath hanging there. Then I look around and see the interior of a really nice place, with marble floors and chandeliers. I'm actually standing on a set of stairs, which is covered with an incredibly soft rug. I turned around in marvel and then blanche. Behind me, on a landing where two staircases meet and form one, is a picture of the ugliest woman I've ever seen. It's up on the wall so that everyone walking up the stairs sees it. It's in dark colours, kind of like sepia tone, and it's of this incredibly overweight woman with a horrible complexion holding a cat. I have seen this painting before, in the Alexandrian castle in my FFIX game. Okay, these convention weirdoes are taking things a little too far.

"Don't just stand there!" Steiner guy yells before running down the stairs and into some room. If I remember, that's the library where Steiner goes off on Laudo. Wait, this isn't real. I'll just walk outside and see a parking lot filled with beetle cars and mopeds. Yeah, then I can hitch a ride home with one of these video game fanatics.

I step down the stairs slowly, trying not to fall from the weight of the armour. I really have to ditch this stuff soon. I hope that I have something on underneath this, because I would just hate to be naked in a giant tin can. Eww!

Anyway, when I reach the exit I clank on out the door to find, you guessed it, the Alexandrian harbour thing. You know, like a moat. There is no parking lot in sight. There's just some guy sitting by the water and looking up at the moon. I hear Steiner guy roaring so I run as fast as I can, which isn't that fast in this armour, and hide behind a bush. Well, if this really is Alexandria then that probably really is Steiner. How did I get here, then? And why in Dolly's name am I a member of the Knights of Pluto? I mean, if I'm going to get sucked into a video game, at least make my "character" somewhat respectable.

Steiner is yelling at the guy on the dock, so I start to take off my armour. It's really hard, since I don't even know how I got it on. After about five minutes, and almost getting seen by Steiner a few times, I finally pull the last piece of it off and breath a sigh of relief. I wasn't naked underneath, and the clothes, while nowhere near fabulous, were liveable. I had on ugly boots (no way around that, I guess), dirty brown pants a size too big and held up by a cord of rope, a white shirt with a hardly noticeable yellowish brown stain (I so hope that is from coffee) on it, and there's a chain mail suit overtop of the white shirt. It's Middle Ages bumpkin chic!

Let's see, what do I do now? Well, if I'm correct and I'm somehow in the game, then Blank should be nearby dressed up as one of the Knights of Pluto. Maybe I can get some advice from him. Hey, it's worth a try.

When I round a corner of the larger-than-life castle, leaving behind my hideous armour and the sword, I see Blank has left his "post." Oh, I so hope that he hasn't joined Steiner on the Prima Vista yet. It would suck to be left here under Brahne's insane control. Plus, I really don't want to have to do the duties of a knight. I mean, it would just suck to have to put that armour back on and be bossed around by a woman of Brahne's girth. Eww, even thinking about her is enough to make my stomach turn over.

Hey, Blank left the gate open! Maybe I can sneak aboard Tantalus's airship and hitch a ride with them to Evil Forest.

I creep past the metal bars and find myself in a tower-like thing. Is it the same one Steiner's in? As I start up a set of winding stairs, I hope not. It would just suck to have him force me ride that rope thing with him and smash into the side of the airship.

After a few minutes, I reach the top with no breath in my lungs and no strength left in my legs. Maybe I should've actually participated in gym class back home. Oh well, I see a wooden door at the top and push it open to hear a muffled cry as someone slams into it.

"Ow!" a woman cries as I rush out the door and close it. I look down and see Princess Garnet, a.k.a. "Dagger," lying in front of me. She looks up, recognizing me, and her eyes grow wide. At first, I'm surprised by her reaction until I remember that I'm supposed to be one of Steiner's merry men or something like that. Then the princess, who is dressed in a tasteful pink, red, and white robe with the hood up, looks at me. "Richard, what are you doing here? Please, don't stop me. I have to go."

"It's Rick!" I shout at her and grab my hair. I really hate it when people call me Richard… hey, why is my hair flat? My hair is not supposed to be flat, because it just looks awful that way.

"Hey, who are you?" some guy yells as he rounds a corner and stops just behind Garnet. I would recognize Zidane anywhere. With his sleeveless shirt, longish hair, and tail. I always wondered what he used that tail for. I could think of a few things, but I can't say because children might be reading this.

"Oh, hello, Honey. I'm Rick," I say with a flourished bow. Zidane mouths "Honey?" and looks at me like I'm crazy. Garnet just laughs. Hmm, perhaps she's used to me. "I'm one of the Knights of Pluto, searching for the Princess here. Great robe, by the way, Your Majesty."

"Thank you, Rich… I mean, thank you, Rick," Garnet says when she sees the look on my face. She just smiles before realizing that she's supposed to be running from Zidane. Then her eyes get wide again. "Oh, I must depart!"

She climbs up on the side of the tower we're on and grabs one of the rope things with flags on it before jumping. Oh, pooh, I really don't want to this part.

Zidane runs to the wall and looks over the edge to see Garnet swinging over the heads of the nobles there to see the play. Gee, I had completely forgotten about the play. Anyway, the boy with the tail, who is only a year younger than me if I may add, jumps up onto the wall himself and grabs one of the flag-ridden ropes. Oh, I am not getting left behind. I climb up on the wall and, just as Zidane jumps off, I grab him from behind and hold on as tightly as I can.

He doesn't fight me, probably knowing that doing so would result in both of us falling into the oblivious crown below. I see Steiner swinging towards the ship out of the corner of my eye. Then I close my eyes and bury my face in Zidane's back. He smells really good. Soon enough, though, we spill onto the Prima Vista. Shortly after that, Garnet lands on us rather ungraciously. She begins running around in a panic, knocking over members of the orchestra whom we just happened to land in front of.

"Would you please get off of me?" Zidane asks angrily.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Honey," I say as I scramble off of him. The orchestra, having gathered themselves together, looks at us with humour in their eyes. Zidane, however, looks at me rather oddly before climbing to his feet and rushing in the direction that Garnet had gone.

I stand up and follow them. The adrenaline from the ride on Zidane from the castle to the airship is still running through my veins. As I push open the door the thief and the princess had through, I hear a woman with a Southern accent yelling.

"Oh my! Is that Ruby? THE Ruby?" I squeal as I run into the room and practically bowl the poor woman over. I've always loved Ruby, because she's just so fabulous. She reminds me so much of Scarlet O'Hara.

"Hey, Hun, what're ya doing?" she asks as she pushes me off. Her face is sour, but I'm still enamoured. "Get off, my scene's coming up!"

"I'm so sorry," I stutter in awe. "It's just that I'm such a big fan of yours! You're like Bernadette Peters with more sass and less flash!"

Obviously, she doesn't know who Bernadette Peters is (one of the greatest actresses in the history of stage and screen, just so you know), but Ruby soaks up the praise nonetheless.

"Why, thank you, Sugah," she says as she pats me on the back. Suddenly she's in a better mood. Then I remember that I'm supposed to follow Zidane and Garnet around. I don't know why. I just don't want to be left behind like Ruby.

"It was so absolutely wonderful to meet you!" I gush. "I have to go now, though."

I run away and crash through the door in time to see Zidane and Garnet following Cinna through another door. I can also hear Steiner yelling, and that's not a pleasant sound. I'm actually kind of scared.

"Through here!" Cinna yells as I burst into the small room. Garnet looks at me with fear that I'll prevent her from leaving, Zidane looks absolutely freaked out (heh heh…), and Cinna doesn't know how to react. I smile and wave at Garnet before speaking.

"You guys might want to hurry, Steiner's getting pretty close. I heard him bellowing a few seconds ago."

"Right…" Zidane said as he raises his eyebrow and jumps through a large hole in the floor. Cinna and Garnet follow him and, as an after thought, I jump through the hole, too. I really don't want to face Steiner's wrath on my own.

"Ow!" I cry out after landing on my behind. It's really sore, and everyone just looks at me oddly. Hey, you try doing this with no idea of what to do!

Well, next to me is a giant engine and I walk over to it. It looks like those old steam engines, but I know that it actually runs on Mist. Hmm, if the video game is correct and I turn this wheel thing here… No, better not risk it. I'll just follow the others. Better to not have the Tantalus guys think I'm a total retard than have them think I am one.

We rush through another door and into a room with a pole in the centre. Well, if I know poles, there're only two things you can do with them. One is to slide down it, and the other is to dance around it. I sincerely hope Steiner does the former, because I would hate to have to pull out my eyes.

As I, but no one else, expected, Steiner comes sliding down the pole. Then another knight, Blank in costume, appears in the doorway behind us.

"Richard, stop these fools!" Steiner commands me. Everyone looks at me, and I can feel myself growing red out of anger and embarrassment.

"It's Rick!" I shout angrily. Then I catch hold of myself and manage to tell him: "And, umm, no?"

He looks really ticked off now. As if running around after Garnet and Zidane wasn't bad enough, his knights are disobeying his orders. Steiner draws his sword and points it at me. I make a high-pitched squeaking noise and duck behind Zidane, putting my hands on his shoulders and pushing him forward. Hey, better he dies than me. Besides, I know that Cinna, Blank, and he will beat Steiner anyway.

Zidane pulls out a couple of daggers and starts slashing at Steiner while Cinna wails away with his hammer and Blank, in his stolen armour, trots up and fights Steiner with his buddies. Garnet looks over at me and I shrug, which starts her to giggling again.

"Fools, you cannot beat me!" Steiner yells as his swords lights up and a blue ray of light hits Blank. Blanks armour falls off and all of these yellow bugs, they're kind of like a cross between a frog and cockroach, start jumping all over the room.

"Oglops!" I shriek, as does Cinna, Blank, and Steiner. As those three run around, Zidane grabs Garnet by the hand and pulls her into another room. Not wanting to stay with the bugs, I follow.

"Get on number two!" Cinna shouts as he follows behind me and closes the door. Zidane and Garnet jump on a circular contraption and Cinna starts pulling all of these levers. The platform that Zidane and Garnet are on rises just as Steiner breaks through the door. Cinna throws himself in Steiner's way to buy Zidane and Garnet some time. I, not wanting to give Steiner the opportunity to give me the retribution I deserve, clamber onto a platform of my own. Just before it starts rising, Steiner jumps on it and glares at me with bloodlust in his eyes.

Then we end up on the stage and everyone stares at us. "My daughter, Princess Cornelia, shall marry none other than this man, Prince Schneider," a large man, with a pig snout dressed in a costume meant to indicate he was royalty, says. He gestures in the direction of Steiner and I.

"M-m-marry the p-princess? M-me?" Steiner stutters in confusion. However, having played the game I know what's going to happen. I decide to have a little fun with it, though.

"No, he means me," I say as I stand up and strut over to Garnet. I take her into my arms and look her over as the audience gasps in surprise. Then I kiss her. Oh, the things I do for the theatre… When Garnet starts to respond to the kiss I pull away and look around. Baku, the guy that had pointed at Steiner and I, has a look of shock on his face for a moment, and then recovers. Then I look to Zidane, who is wearing a face of annoyance. With a grin, I turn to him. "Oh, I'm sorry, Honey. I didn't mean to leave you out."

I walk over to a very surprised Zidane and plant one on his lips, too. The audience, thinking it's a gag, bursts out in laughter. Slowly, I back away from Zidane, who looks absolutely murderous. Hee, I made him mad!

Then I turn and look at the reactions of everyone else. With the exceptions of a still stage-struck Steiner, everyone looks like they're holding back laughter. I smile brightly and bound to Garnet's side. She's really trying hard to keep from breaking out into a fit of giggles.

The members of Tantalus quickly recover from the shock and go into professional mode before the laughter of the audience dies down.

"Now is my revenge! For my parents and my love Cornelia," a man in a blue shirt and salmon-coloured bandana shouts as he pulls out his sword and aims it at Baku. My, I know the guy is Marcus, but he's still a really good actor. "I shall cut thee down!"

Marcus stabs at Baku, but Garnet leaves my side and throws herself in front of the sword. It looks like it goes through her, but I see that the blade is actually between her arm and her side. Marcus pulls it out and looks absolutely horrified. I turn to regard Steiner, who is absolutely freaking out.

"Marcus," Garnet says in a stage whisper. "Forgive me and my father. I still love him…"

"Cornelia!" Baku cries as he falls at her side.

"Princess!" Steiner screams as he crashes to his knees.

"Forgive my selfishness, Father. Forgive my beloved Marcus," Garnet says before pretending to die.

I don't hear what Marcus says because of the roar of the crowd at Garnet/Cornelia's death, but I do see him "stab" himself with his own sword.

The audience then bursts into applause and starts throwing flowers and Gil onto the stage. I scoop up some of the money before catching a rose. Then, with rose in hand, I walk to Zidane and hand him the plant. "Here, Honey, it's my thanks for the kiss."

The look on his face is priceless. It may be fun to torture him throughout the game. Yes, I'm finally convinced that I'm living FFIX, though I'm unsure as to whether it's a dream or something else.

"Get back here!" some guy yells and I see a little kid with no face, just black with big yellow eyes underneath a brown hat that looks like it was made out of hay or something. It's very cornpone, if you ask me. He looks even more out of place than I feel. I know the little guy is Vivi, and I feel sorry for him.

He jumps over Garnet's still prone form, you'd think she'd have gotten up by now, and warns whoever was chasing him to stay away. Then he blasts off a Fire spell, but it falls short of the two Knights of Pluto and hits Garnet. She jumps up in shock and throws the robe away, causing the audience to gasp again. The princess of Alexandria, in a hideous pair of orange overalls and a puffy shirt that reminds me of _Seinfeld_, is standing there.

Steiner seems to finally get a hold of himself, and starts shouting at the other two Knights of Pluto, Weimar and one I can't remember. The new arrivals look at me and then at each other. I back away from the ensuing battle in hopes that I don't get dragged into it.

"Richard!" Steiner yells at me. I'm getting tired of people calling me Richard. It's Rick, I tell you. Rick!

"I think you're wanted," Zidane says to me with a sneer. I look back to him, bat my eyes, and smile at him with my trademark fake sweetness. He obviously doesn't know how to respond, so he says nothing.

"Richard, get over here!" Steiner yells again. I ignore him and stand behind Vivi. The little black mage casts Fire and this time his spell hits its mark. Weimar cries in a voice louder than mine and runs away shouting something about a date. Then Marcus slashes his sword at the other knight, who yells something before running away as well. Steiner looks dumbstruck and yells at his backup to return, which they don't. Then he faces me and yells for me to join him one last time. "Richard, now!"

"No thanks," I call back merrily with a wave. Steiner looks shocked by my reaction, I don't know why, and doesn't think to block the first swipes from Zidane's daggers. He backs away, looking angry, and moves to swing at Zidane, but is intercepted by Marcus. Vivi then blasts Steiner with a Fire spell, which is followed up by more attacks from Zidane. Garnet, meanwhile, is healing everyone with her white magic. Well, except for Steiner. Four on one isn't very fair, but I'm not about to get involved. If I help Steiner, Tantalus will undoubtedly kick my little behind. If I help Tantalus, Steiner is likely to take it out on me later. Being caught in the middle sucks! And in case you've forgotten, I'm unarmed. I left my sword back at the entrance to the castle, and wouldn't know how to use it if I still had it.

Finally, Steiner falls with a shout. "Bah, it's only a flesh wound." Sure thing, Big Guy, and I'm a fan of Dolly Parton because I like country music.

The audience is booing by now, and I guess they figured out this isn't part of the show. Beneath me, the floor becomes unsteady as the airship lifts off. I hear a clicking noise and turn around to see these giant gun things being loaded with harpoons. I remember this scene, and scamper around for someplace to hide. I really don't want to be impaled like a fish or something.

The first one is launched and it hits the deck/stage near Vivi, who is thrown to the edge of the airship. I crawl over to him and pull the little guy close. I stay very near this harpoon, but not right beside it. I know it'll eventually come out, but they wouldn't be stupid enough to fire them that close to each other. At least, I hope they aren't.

Zidane and Garnet are right beside each other as the second one hit, and they're thrown to opposite sides of the airship from the force of the impact. I close my eyes and don't see where the third one hits, but I know it didn't hit near me because I'm still alive and I can feel Vivi squirming in my arms. I let the black mage go and open my eyes to see the Bomb get released. It is a fiery orange, a much better colour than Garnet's outfit, but the evil eyes and large, pointed teeth scare me.

"It's a bomb!" I scream and cover my head. I stand up and run as far away from it as I can. Marcus is close to where I'm going, so I cower behind him. He scoffs and ignores me as I try to keep down what I had eaten before waking up in the castle.

"I'll not fall for such an old trick!" Steiner yells back. My eyes wander to him and I see that he has his back to the monster.

As the others fight and shout warnings to him, Steiner insults them and laughs the warnings off. Meanwhile, the Bomb grows incredibly large, and I guess even Steiner can't ignore it anymore. He turns around and regards the behemoth with what I can only guess is a shocked look since I can't see him.

I close my eyes just before the Bomb explodes, but I can see the intensity of the light through my eyelids. A wave of heat washes over me. There's a tug on the airship as it starts drifting away again, breaking free of the harpoons. I open my eyes and see a tower fall off of the Prima Vista. It crashes into the roof of a nearby building, and I hope that the inhabitants were out watching the play and not inside. If they were home, they would probably be dead.

I watch as one by Vivi, Steiner, and Garnet fall off the ship after it goes over a waterfall and loses altitude. I don't see what happens to Zidane, but I know he's thrown off as well. Then the Prima Vista crashes into Evil Forest and I go flying into the air as well.

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A/N: I'm probably going to update once a week, and the chapter lengths will undoubtedly vary.


	3. When Evil Forest met Whimsical Rick

Chapter 3: When Evil Forest met Whimsical Rick

A/N: I adjusted the first couple of chapters, but it's nothing major. Just tweaked a few sentences here and there.

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In the name of all things Prada, why did I have to land in a tree? There is no way down smoothly, because my side really hurts. Maybe I should've kept the armour. It would have absorbed some of the impact. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I suppose it's too late to whine about it now.

I ease down from one branch to another. Despite the pain in my side, I feel like I'm making pretty good progress. Then life has to go and be evil. As soon as I get both feet onto what I believe to be a stable branch, it breaks and I fall the rest of the way to ground. It's about ten feet, and it really hurts. I really, really wish I still had my armour. This chain mail shirt doesn't do anything at all to protect me.

Okay, it's night. That means that not only am I hurt and in a forest full of monsters that want to eat me, but I can't see. Suddenly, I wish I had just done the dishes like my mother asked.

I was the last one to leave the Prima Vista, as far as I know, so I should be fairly close. Let's see: it's not to my left, my right, or directly in front of me. That leaves one place it could be. I turn around and see the hulking mass of the ruined airship. Yay! Now I won't have to fight a plant cage and drag an unconscious Steiner and Vivi back to the wreckage!

I set off holding my side. It's only a few hundred yards away, but that still leaves plenty of space for a Fang or one of those freaky plant things to attack me. Push it, Rick. Feel the burn. You can do it.

When I reach the halfway point of my "trek," a low growling noise reaches my ears. That can mean only one of two things: either I'm about to get attacked, or I'm now in a very kinky skin flick. I'm not sure which situation I would prefer, to be honest.

A Fang, which closely resembles a wolf, leaps out in front of me. What do I do? I'm unarmed, and as far as I know, I can't use magic. I look around for an option and see a thin stick lying nearby. It would break upon contact with the Fang, so I can't use it as a weapon. Hmm, there is another possibility.

"Here, puppy!" I call out as I pick up the stick and toss it into the underbrush. The monster looks almost insulted at my pitiful attempt to distract it. Okay, so fetch is out. I doubt it'll roll over and play dead, either. It approaches slowly, methodically. Wow, those teeth are really big and sharp. Um, maybe I can scare it away by acting really crazy. Yeah, that'll work. I'll just do something really stupid. I suck in a big breath and start belting out the chorus to Cher's song "Dark Lady." What? It's a good song.

Ah, not for the first time, Cher has saved my life. The Fang, obviously not impressed by my awesome talent, yelps and runs away. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm a little hurt. My voice isn't that bad; I won the part of the Scarecrow in my 3rd grade production of _The Wizard of Oz_.

I finally make it back to the remnants of the Prima Vista. Zidane's there, too, and he's dragging Steiner with Vivi on his shoulder. Nobody else seems to be around, and he notices I'm there. Crap, now I have to help lug Steiner or I'll be completely useless. Wait, I have an idea! "Hey, Honey! Do you need some help?"

"No, of course not," he says with a roll of his eyes. Then he becomes serious and pulls Steiner with a grunt. I feel sorry for the guy, but I know I won't be of much help.

"Here, give me the kid," I say as I lift the black mage from his shoulder. Even for a nine-year-old, the kid is pretty light. What I don't understand is the clothes in this place. In Alexandria, everything is puffy and gross like little Vivi's pants. Lindblum, if the outfits of Tantalus are any indication, is much more laidback. Maybe I'll find something decent to wear when we get there.

"Thanks so much. I'll be fine lugging this guy around by myself," Zidane grumbles. The guy really needs to lighten up.

"Well, good for you, Honey," I say as I hoist Vivi onto my shoulder. Then I pat Zidane on his back and trudge up to the crashed airship. I suppose I should help him more, but he did all right on his own in the game. Besides, the guy is a complete and total pig to Garnet throughout the first disk. I mean, he gropes her as they leave Dali, and then two-times her in Lindblum. If there's one thing I hate more than gym class and TBN, it's chauvinism. As I approach the wreckage of the airship, I call out to whoever is inside. "Hello, we're here! Could we get a little help please?"

These two guys who look like rhinos, Benero and Zenero, walk out with Cinna and take Steiner from Zidane. Then Mr. I-have-a-tail walks right by me without so much as a "thank you." Gee, someone sure is grumpy. Oh, right, he's worried about Garnet. I forgot about that.

"Hey, you with the kid, bring him here," Blank says. I shoulder Vivi and follow him through the ship and to the room that he was in during the game. It's still a mess in real life, if that's what you would call this thing that I'm experiencing. I set Vivi on the bed and follow Blank out of the room. The redhead turns to me and asks a question. "What happened to the kid?"

Should I tell him or let Zidane do it? I really don't want to have to think up an excuse as to how I know what's wrong with him when I'm not even supposed to know his name.

"I don't know, Sweetie," I coo. Then I reach up and run a hand through my hair, which is totally disgusting. It has mud and stuff in it, and it's going to take forever to clean. I don't even know if they have shampoo here. I don't remember seeing a bathroom _anywhere_ during the game. "You'll have to ask Zidane, he brought them here. Vivi and Steiner, I mean."

"How do you know their names?" Blank asks as he eyes me suspiciously. Don't ask me how I know, because the guy has his eyes covered with a bandana. How does he not walk headlong into walls?

"Umm… I'm a Knight of Pluto, of course I would know the name of Captain Steiner," I say proudly. Nobody can think on his or her feet like me. In fact, I puff out my chest and try to look intimidating before bursting into giggles. I'm such a flake.

"And the kid?"

Oh pooh! How am I going to explain that one? Think, Rick, think! "There was a… moogle back in Alexandria. Its name was… uh… Kupo!" Good job, Rick. Vivi and Puck did meet Kupo in Alexandria, so Vivi will only confirm the story. I am so smart. No, I'm the smartest person in the world! And I'm also incredibly humble.

"What does a moogle have to do with this?" Blank asks. I definitely did not give this guy enough credit when I played the game. It's obvious now that he would be really smart; he makes the potion to get rid of the seeds that the boss plant thing put into Steiner and Vivi.

"Kupo just told me about some weird looking kid that was sneaking into the play, silly," I lie as I playfully slap Blank's shoulder. "He said that the kid's name was Vivi. That little guy matches the description perfectly. How else would I know?"

"Yeah, right," Blank says with a shrug, showing that he doesn't believe me. Ah, who cares? It's not like it really matters.

"So," I ask as I put my hands behind my back and kick at the floor. "What do you want me to do, Darling?"

"Not calling me 'Honey' would be a great start," Zidane says as he walks down a spiral staircase in the room. How did I not notice it? He looks really mad. Baku must've just told him that he couldn't go after the princess.

"Oh, you know you love it, Honey," I say sweetly as I jump up and twirl in the air before falling back to the floor. For some odd reason, I'm extremely happy even though I know Garnet's in the clutches of some crazed, overgrown dandelion. Maybe I'm understating the situation. Leave me alone.

"What's up?" Blank asks. He completely ignores me, something I don't like. I get mad and storm back into Vivi's room.

In the game, there's money in the bunk and something in the treasure chest in the corner. I kick the chest open and find ether. How do I know it is ether? It says so on the bottle. Ether is a red liquid in what looks like an eye drop bottle. You know, the squirting kind. The guy with the monotone voice does the commercials with the red eyes. Yeah, it's like that.

I rummage around in the floor and find things that aren't there in the game. There are only a couple of useful things. One is this plain band of rope that goes around my wrist. I imagine this to be what they call a "wrist" in the game. The other thing is a dagger. I'll make sure to give it to Zidane since I don't know how to use it.

There is some money in the bed, tucked away in a pillowcase. It's just over a hundred Gil. I don't know what I can buy with that, but I put it in my pocket with the Gil that I got after the play. After I jump down off the bed, Blank walks in and looks at me, then to the bed.

"What were you doing?" he asks, eyeing me in that eyeless way of his. I'll never understand how he does it.

"I was ransacking the place," I say with an eye roll. Blank just sighs and pulls a bottle of blue liquid out of his pocket.

"Zidane wants to see you," he says as he walks past me and sits beside the unconscious Vivi. "I have to give this potion to Vivi to remove the seeds from his system. Would you please go?"

"Sure thing, Sweetie," I say happily before bounding out of the room. Weird, my side doesn't hurt anymore. It must've been a scratch or something.

I wander around mindlessly until I run into Marcus just outside the room where they're keeping Steiner. I can hear his pitiful wails through the walls.

"Hey, you!" he says to me. "You're the guy who played Prince Schneider, aren't you?"

"Yes I am, Dear," I chirp. I've been cursed with giddiness my whole life. My parents just tell everyone it's a side effect of my allergy medication. I don't know why they say that, because I take over the counter stuff to keep from sneezing and getting watery eyes. Wait, will I still have allergies here? That bridge will be crossed when I come to it, I guess.

"Dear?" he says before shaking his head. A lot of people do that. They must not be used to my friendliness. "Whatever. Listen, good job with that. Cinna told me that warned them ole Rusty," he gestures to the band room where Steiner can be heard yelling to be released, "was coming. Thanks for your help. What's your name?"

"Rick," I say with a bow. "Call me Richard and die."

Marcus's right eyebrow shoots up, but he offers a hand. "Well, good job on the show. Maybe we'll have you join Tantalus after we get out of here."

"I'll think it over, Sweetie," I say as I shake his hand. After we break contact, he looks from his hand, to mine, and then back to his. He shrugs and walks away. Then I remember I have to find Zidane and call out to Marcus. "Oh, wait!"

"Yeah?" he says as he turns back to look at me.

"Where's Zidane? I heard he's looking for me," I tell him.

"Last time I saw him, he was getting ready to fight the Boss."

"Why?" I ask even though I know the answer. He wants to go after Garnet.

"He's going after the princess," Marcus says with a laugh before leaving. "He should be around here somewhere duking it out with the Boss."

Why does this leave me with a bad feeling in my gut? In the game, Zidane kicks Baku to the curb. Well, Baku throws the fight. Now I'm not so confident. Baku could wipe the floor with Zidane. Then we'd never go after Garnet and she would die. Who knows what could happen from there?

The Prima Vista is big. Maybe I should've realized that when I was chasing Zidane and Garnet around, but for some reason it escaped my attention. I see members of the orchestra here and there, some wounded and other tending to their fallen comrades. Tantalus must be like a family. There's no way people in my world would take care of each other unless they were family, paying for it, or there was some kind of disaster. Oh, right, this is an airship crash. I am so stupid.

"Have you seen Zidane?" I ask one of the band members. I didn't notice it in the game, but these guys are very ghoulish in appearance. There skin is a pale green and they have sunken eyes. That could just be from exhaustion, but I seriously doubt it. One of them points me to a door I hadn't noticed before. Well, no matter how odd they look, they sure are helpful. To show how grateful I am, I do something horribly un-American: I thank him. "You're such a dear. Thank you."

I push open the door to see Baku laugh and clap Zidane on the shoulder. Ooh, I know what's coming. There it is, the fist in the gut. Ouch. I'd better go see if the hero is okay. Things just wouldn't be the same without him. There would be no way to get to Terra, for starters. Crap. I forgot all about Kuja and Garland.

"Hey, Honey, are you okay?" I ask as I pass Baku and kneel next to the doubled over Zidane. As he looks over at yours truly, I put a hand on his shoulder. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yeah," he huffs as he stands up and watches Baku leave. It's pretty obvious he's still feeling the effects of the surprise blow. "I'm going after Garnet. I want you, that other knight, and the black mage to come with me."

Me? He wants me to go with him? I seriously wonder why. My actions during the fight with Steiner were far from admirable.

"Sure thing, Honey," I say with a grin as I too stand up. It shocks me to learn that I'm about an inch or two taller than Zidane. I've always been one of the shorter guys in my class at school, and suddenly I'm tempted to inquire as to the weather down there. "What do you want me to do?"

Zidane scratches his behind, which is so not a flattering move, and walks ahead of me. He pushes open the door and looks back in my direction. "You're a little weird, but you're also a knight. I want you to help me find her."

Great. This is just wonderful. There's never been anything more fun than walking through a forest full of things that want to kill you. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. I so do not want to do this. My clothes will get all muddy and torn. Yet, I don't want to stay here with Tantalus. Something tells me that I'd be safer fighting against crazed rhododendrons and the Black Waltzes than traveling with Baku and his merry band of thieves.

"Ooh, I'd love to!" I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. That isn't much. I walk up to him and he speaks again.

"Great. You go get that knight, and I'll see if I can get the black mage to come with us," Zidane says happily as he claps me on the back. Being the klutz that I am, I fall face first under the gesture. He looks down at me and shrugs before offering a hand to help me to my feet. Perhaps he's not the jerk I thought he was. Then again, he's leaving me to deal with an angry and distraught Steiner.

"Thanks, Honey," I say before walking through the open door. I pass the band members with Zidane by my side, which draws a few curious glances. Then we reach a set of doors. Zidane points to the one of the left before going through the one on the right. I guess that's supposed to be the way to Steiner.

As I enter the next room, I see Blank leaning against the door that leads to the band room. He notices me, and gestures for me to come closer. He holds out another bottle of that blue liquid he had in Vivi's room. I assume that's the potion that removes the seeds.

"So I hear you and Zidane are going after that princess chick," he says nonchalantly. I nod in agreement. Then he hands me the potion, which I take. "Are you taking Rusty with you?"

Who's Rusty? Oh, right, that's Steiner. It completely escaped my mind that "Rusty" becomes the name Tantalus has for the oblivious knight. How did Steiner come to be in control of the Knights of Pluto, anyway? I mean, they're not the best of the Alexandrian troops. Sure, they redeem themselves after Bahamut all but destroys the city, but that doesn't explain how an inept leader like Steiner comes into power. The guy made me a member, and I don't even know how to use a sword. Of course, I just woke up in the game, but… Aargh, I'm just confusing myself.

"Hello? Anybody home?" Blank asks as he waves a hand in my face. When my eyes focus, he jerks his thumb back at the band room. "Are you taking this big baby with you or not?"

"Yeah, he's coming with us," I say with a nod. Blank pulls a key out of his pocket and unlocks the door. He wishes me good luck and walks away. Boy, the people here are so helpful. Again, that was sarcasm. I push open the door and see Steiner sitting on a broken table with an empty glass bottle in one hand and a doll in the other. That's Cinna's Garnet doll. I remember because I never figured out what the hell it had to do with the game. "We're getting the princess, want to come?"

Steiner, who was staring at the ground, looks up at me angrily. His eyes are all bloodshot and there's a smudge of blue on his chin. I assume it's from the potion. "Richard! How dare you say you're rescuing the princess after you disgrace the Knights of Pluto by aiding these kidnappers?"

I want to shout that my name is Rick, but I know it won't do any good. Even after it becomes obvious that Garnet's life is in danger, he runs round shouting "Princess" and making a total fool of himself. The man is a Grade A meathead.

"Are you coming or not?" I ask in the angriest voice I have. It makes me sound like Hulk Hogan on helium, and I don't think he gets the hint. One cross word, and I'll scratch your eyes out. I'm not kidding. My brother used to have so many claw marks on his arms that he would have to tell people he was pulling our cat out of fights with the neighbourhood stray. We don't have a cat. That'll teach him for making fun of my new fingernail polish.

"When we get back to Alexandria, I'll have you hanged for treason," Steiner shouts. I can feel my fingers sliding into scratching position on their own, but I keep my hands level.

"Shut up, we're moving out," I say. Now I understand why Zidane never liked Steiner. Steiner was always one of my favourite characters when this was just a game, even if his trance sucked. Hey, will I get a trance or be tranceless like Marcus and Beatrix?

"Do not speak to me like that! You are still one of the Knights of Pluto, and I demand the respect afforded to me!" Steiner shouts again. In his anger, he drops the doll and the bottle. The bottle hits the floor and shatters. Do not expect me to clean that up, Mr. I'm-your-boss.

"Fine, I quit," I retort. Gee, I'm being really mean. Maybe this means he'll lay off everyone else. Meh, probably not; it seems like no one can do anything right in Steiner's eyes except for Garnet and Vivi. At least, that's the impression the game gave me. "Now are you coming or not?"

Steiner grumbles a yes and stands up. He follows me out the door and I remember that there's a treasure chest in the band room. I tell Steiner to be a good boy and sit still while I get something out of the room. Avoiding the broken glass as much as possible, which is hard since Steiner dropped the bottle right in front of the chest, I pop it open. Inside are a couple of small bottles with a maroon liquid in them. They both say "potion," so I slide them into my pockets with the ether and Gil.

"Okay, lets go," I say as walk out of the room to find no Steiner. Oh, this is so not good. It's worse than that tutu Lara Flynn Boyle wore to that awards show. For all I know, he could be off getting whacked with trumpets and saxophones by the guys from the band. Zidane is going to kill me.

I wander around the airship once more, and I still don't know where I'm going. People are looking at me oddly when I ask them if a knight in rusty armour came by. When I find Steiner, he is going to get such a tongue-lashing, and I don't mean the good kind. No. Bad images are forming in my brain. Abort train of thought! Abort!

"Hey, Cinna!" I yell when I see the overweight and shirtless monster of a man walk by. It's odd. During the game, he's outside looking for his Garnet doll, but here he is _inside_ the ship. Maybe he's looking for it inside.

"Huh?" Cinna says looking in my direction. Okay, he definitely should be wearing a shirt. This is just gross. Don't get me started on the hat; I could go all night. "Who're you?"

"I'm Rick," I tell him as I try to bite back my commentary on his style, or, rather, lack of. "Have you seen a guy running around in armour?"

"Rusty?" Cinna answers with a laugh. "Yeah, he's right outside the ship arguing with Zidane. There's a little kid with a funny hat out there too."

Then his expression turns more solemn and, fighting my better nature, I pat his arm sympathetically. My hand is so getting washed when we get out of here. "Is something wrong?"

"You'll laugh at me," Cinna says dejectedly. When I assure him that I won't, he looks into my eyes, and I can see panic in his. "It's my Garnet doll, she's missing. Have you seen her?"

"Yeah, she's back in the band room," I offer with a smile. "But there's some broken glass around her, so you might want to be careful."

What happens next is going to be one of those things that you want to forget but know you never will. Cinna shouts out jubilantly and pulls me into a bear hug. Not only that, he also jumps around while I'm trapped in his grasp. It didn't occur to me in the game, but this guy is nasally offensive. He smells awful, like cheap cologne mingled with cheap deodorant. At least it's not BO. When he does finally put me down, a small crowd has gathered. Baku is among them. Great, I have the pig-nosed leader of Tantalus looking at me. The feeling is not a pleasant one. I'm horribly intimidated.

"Good job," Baku says as he claps me on the shoulder. He's a lot stronger than Zidane, and again my knees buckle and I fall to the floor. The man just brushes it off with a laugh and picks me up by my chain mail shirt before setting me back on my feet. "Now you go out and join that boy of mine."

His boy? I hope he means Zidane, because I do _not_ want to going through Evil Forest with anyone else from Tantalus. It's not that I don't like them. There's just the fact that Zidane is easier on the guys than these guys. Oh pooh, now I sound really shallow. I'm just going to stop this right now.

"Um, sure thing," I say. For some odd reason, he just laughs again and shoos me away. Okay, I can definitely tell you I'm not joining Tantalus if I'm still in this world when the game runs its course. Actually, now that I think about it, how did I get here? How do I get home? Will I ever go home? Am I never to see the _Sex and the City_ reunion special? Now I'm sad. It's a good thing I'm not around anyone now, because I do not want to have to explain to these guys why I'm depressed.

"There you are!" I hear someone yell. I know that voice. He comes up behind me, right after I wipe my eyes dry, and puts an arm around my shoulder in brotherly fashion. "We've been waiting on you. Come on, we have to go rescue the princess."

"Okay, Honey," I say in a happier voice. Why does being around this guy make me feel better instantaneously?

"Good, let's go," Zidane says as he pulls me even closer. Is he coming onto me? I'm not complaining, but it'll be a little weird if he is. He was such a ladies' man in the game. Anyway, we get outside to see an angry Steiner and a frightened Vivi. Poor little guy, I just want to give him a hug. It should be obvious that I'm talking about Vivi, not Steiner. Zidane, out of nowhere, feels the need to announce my arrival. "Hey, look who I found!"

"Who are you?" Vivi asks meekly. He looks frightened by the idea of going out into those dark woods where who knows what is lurking behind every tree or bush. I really feel for you kid, we're in the same boat.

"Hey there, Cutie," I say. I kneel down so that I'm face-to-face with the black mage. Well, as face-to-face as you can get with someone whose face consists of little more than yellow eyes and blackness. "I'm Rick. You must be Vivi."

"How… how do you know my name?" he asks with a start. What did I tell Blank? Right, it was that moogle.

"I ran into Kupo. He told me about you," I answer. Oh man, I hope he buys it.

"I remember Kupo. He was the first moogle I ever met. Puck introduced us!" Vivi says excitedly. At least he's not scared now. If only I could do something to stop my own shaking hands.

"Richard! Stop dawdling, we must save the princess!" Steiner shouts as he begins to jump up and down. Well, if there is such thing as a one-track mind…

"I hate to say so, but Rusty here is right," Zidane reluctantly agrees. "We really should go get her."

"Silence you ragamuffin! If it weren't for you and your thieves, the princess would be safe in Alexandria castle," Steiner shouts. I have two problems with this: first, I'm tired of Steiner yelling all the time; second, who says ragamuffin anymore?

"Hey, Honey," I say to Zidane before an argument breaks out. "Can we just go now?"

As has become the custom, Zidane rolls his eyes at my nickname for him. Believe it or not, he actually looks cute doing that. No, I am not crushing on Zidane. I swear, I'm telling the truth: scout's honour. Hey, it doesn't matter that I was never a boy scout.

"Fine, let's move out," Zidane orders with a wave of his in the direction of the forest.

My nerves are tingling and I can feel my heart beating twice its normal rate as we step out of the safety of the ship. I still don't know why Zidane wants me to come. Perhaps he thinks a walk through Evil Forest would make for a romantic date. That's a joke, people. I'm not some rabid fangirl who throws herself at the main hero because I think his game-based romantic interest is a total airhead and a whore. Based on what little interaction I've had with her, Garnet actually isn't that bad.

"How are we going to find her?" I ask when it becomes obvious no one knows where we're going. In the game, you just walk through a few screens and you're there. It's a little harder when you actually have to look.

"We were attacked by the stream," Vivi blurts out. He's carrying his staff and looking around with big eyes; poor little guy.

"Then we'll just follow the stream and see if that leads us to her!" Zidane says. He thumps his chest before pulling a pair of daggers out of his pockets. Oh, right, I should give him that one I found back at the airship.

"Great idea, Honey," I say as I reach into my own pocket and retrieve the blade. I'm actually surprised I haven't stabbed myself with it. "I found this back at the airship. Is it yours?"

"Hey, that's a Mage Masher!" Zidane says greedily. Suddenly, he looks oh so happy. Someone likes deadly weapons. "Can I have it?"

"Sure, Honey. I don't know how to use the darn thing," I say with a laugh. Unfortunately, the roar of a monster punctuates it. Zidane grabs the dagger from me and whirls around in anticipation.

"What is that?" Vivi asks as he hides behind my legs. I'm trying really hard to keep from hiding myself.

Zidane doesn't say anything as he crouches into a fighting stance, one of his old daggers and the Mage Masher in hand. Steiner draws his broadsword and looks at me expectantly. When I show him that I'm unarmed, he grumbles something incoherent and turns away. He's really a pleasant guy when you get to know him.

"Fangs!" Zidane yells as three of the wolf things jump in front of us. The urge to see if my butchered rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" will frighten them away tugs at the back of my mind, but I stay silent and let the professionals do what those geniuses who designed them to do.

One of the monsters growls and jumps at Zidane. He ducks under it and holds up one of his daggers. The sharpened metal cuts into the flesh of the Fang and yellow blood falls onto the thief's face. A gloved hand wipes it away and he charges the wolfish creature. With a flash of metal in the limited light, I know the thing is dead.

While that's going on, the other two are looking at Vivi and me like we're lunch. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steiner adjusting his grip on his sword. There's a clanking sound and Steiner runs at the duo of Fangs with his outstretched sword. One of them crumples under his sword and then other runs straight at me. Oh no, I'm not dying in the middle of some woods at the hands of an overgrown Chihuahua.

Before I can make a move, either fight or flight, someone tackles me to the ground and a blaze of fire hits the Fang, knocking it back and impaling it on Steiner's sword.

"Gross!" I scream as I pick myself up off the ground. Zidane had tackled me so that Vivi could attack, and I fell face first into something brown and mushy. Please be mud. Please be mud. Nope, I fell into a pile of poop. My face is covered with monster scat. I'm going to take one of Zidane's precious daggers and cut off his… tail. I'm talking about his tail people. You're all a bunch of perverts. "Eww! Get if off! Get it off!"

Zidane laughs before helping me up. "Come on, Rick. Let's go. We still have a princess to rescue." Does he seriously expect me to go after Garnet with dung on my face? No way. "Here, wipe that stuff off. You really stink."

Did he just tell me that I stink? Oh, you're so getting it monkey boy. When we get out here, I'm going to tie you up and beat you with a loaf of stale garlic bread. Gee, I wonder why my friends tell me I'd make a good dominatrix.

"Thanks," I spit angrily as I grab his offered kerchief. As best as I can, I wipe of the poop and fling the soiled linen back at its owner. When we reach this stream Vivi is talking about, I am so rinsing my face off.

"You're welcome, Princess," Zidane laughs as he drops the kerchief on the ground and kicks it into a nearby bush. Did he just call me a princess? Either my being here has screwed up the game more than I thought and he thinks I'm Garnet, or he's mocking me. Well, he's not getting away with that.

"Oh, Honey, you do care!" I melodramatically shriek as I pull him into a hug and press my face against his. When I let go, he has a long brown streak on his left cheek.

"Freak," Zidane says as he tentatively touches his cheek with his hand. He sees the brown spot on the fingertip of his glove and glares at me. Hee, someone's not happy at all. "Nice going, Princess."

"Desist you two! We must rescue the princess!" Steiner screams at the top of his voice. Crap! The Plant Brain still has her.

"Right, whatever," Zidane huffs. He looks so cute when he's mad, not that I'm saying he's cute or anything. Bah, I'll just not think about it. The guy's only a videogame character and this is just a dream. An incredibly weird dream that involves my face and a pile of poop, but it's a dream nonetheless. Right?

Without another word, we set off on our rescue mission. Vivi isn't quite as close to me as he was before. I can't blame him. At least he's not a little brat like Eiko. Oh, I'm so not looking forward to her. She has awesome eidolons like Fenrir and Phoenix, but she has always been so annoying when I played the game. Freya, on the other hand, was my favourite character. She had style and fought far better than Zidane could ever hope to. Plus, there's nothing more romantic than traveling across the continent in search of your lost love.

"PRINCESS!" I hear Steiner scream. It snaps me out of my thoughts and I see that we've come to the cave where the Plant Brain is. The thing is huge. It looks like this big flower; only instead of pollen in the centre, there is a huge set of teeth. The petals are red and it has huge greenish brown tentacles. There's something about the tentacles that I don't remember being in the game. There are these huge thorns on the tentacles that look like they could rip a person in half.

Still yelling, Steiner rushes into the cave with his sword held high. One of those tentacles easily sweeps him aside, and a large hole is torn into his armour. If he hadn't been being wearing that… Why did I take my armour off and leave it in Alexandria? Stupid move, Rick.

"We have to help Rusty before he gets himself torn apart!" Zidane shouts as he points the tip of his Mage Masher, the one he got from _me_, into the cave.

"Do we have to?" is the response he gets. Zidane turns to me in annoyance, but I'm not the one that had said it. When I shrug, we both look at Vivi in surprise. He just looks down and kicks at the ground.

"Princess, I shall save you!" I hear Steiner cry. I look at Zidane with a sigh and run into the cave. No man should have to face that kind of danger alone, not even Steiner. What good I will be, though, has yet to be seen.

Steiner swings his sword as yet another tentacle coming at him. Since it's a plant, would a better description be vine? I guess it doesn't matter. My former "boss" manages to get lucky and lops the tentacle off, making the Plant Brain roar in pain and anger.

"Richard! Get the princess!" he yells at me. I nod and look back to see Zidane running into the cave, with Vivi behind him and inching his way inside. Poor kid.

"Of course," I call out as if it's the simplest thing in the world. In that moment, the Plant Brain decides to attack the new prey inside its domain. One of those giant vine/tentacle things whacks me in the side. I rocket across the cave and hit the wall. Ow! Owowowowowowowowowow! Never before have I been hurt like this. There's a long gash in my side from a thorn that grazed me, and that's on top of the welt that I can feel swelling up. Rick, You are not Xena. You are not a fighter. Just crawl away and give Garnet that potion Blank gave you back in the Prima Vista. You know, suddenly traveling around with Tantalus doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Another tentacle hits me, thankfully sans thorn, and sends me flying once more. That's it; if I ever go home, I'm buying a gallon of gasoline and setting my mom's flowerbed on fire.

Then, about ten feet away from me is Garnet. She looks awful. Her hair is all frizzy and her clothes are torn. Mud is smeared all over her face. (Lucky her. I wish my face were covered mud instead of... Yeah, still bitter about that.) I ignore the searing pain in my side and reach into my pocket for the potion that will save Garnet's life. Instead, I come up with a regular potion. Well, at least it'll help me.

Wait, how do you use a potion? In the game, Steiner chugs the potion Blank concocts to remove the seeds. Maybe you do that with regular potions as well. As a test, I take a sip from the glass bottle (which I'm surprised hasn't broken) and feel a slight lessening of the main in my side. I then gulp it down until every last bit of the potion, and the pain in my side, is gone. Do you want to know what the amazing thing is about potions? No, it's not the restorative properties. What, in my newfound opinion, makes them absolutely wonderful is the flavour. They taste just like pink lemonade!

I set the bottle off to the side and reach into my pocket again. Bingo! This time I produce the blue liquid. I crawl over to Garnet, momentarily forgotten by the Plant Brain as it wails away on Zidane, Steiner, and Marcus. Wait! What in Judy Garland's name in Marcus doing here? Isn't Blank supposed to be the one to show up and help out? Something is very wrong here, aside from the fact that Vivi is nowhere to be seen.

There's no time to dwell on this, because at any moment the mutated tiger lily less than twenty feet away might remember that I'm here. I turn back to Garnet, pull the cork out of the bottle with my teeth (yes, they stop up their potions and such with corks here, I guess), open her mouth with my left hand, and pour the liquid into her mouth with my right. Please don't choke. The last thing I need is Steiner chopping my head off because you died while drinking the potion I gave you.

Garnet coughs and her eyes open just a bit. She sees me and they almost pop out of her eyes. "Richard! Why are you in my room?"

"It's Rick, Gorgeous," I coo as I tighten my grip on the glass bottle that's still in my right hand. "And this isn't your room."

It just happens to be at that moment that I get hit by a bolt of lighting. And I thought getting smacked around by leafy tentacles hurt… The only thing that ever brought me more pain than this was when they cancelled _The Nanny_. Fran Drescher is hilarious! Whoa, I'm in the middle of a battle. Why am I thinking of a Jewish actress from Queens, New York? That Thunder spell must've messed around with my head.

"Hold on… Rick," Garnet says as she sits up and pulls a rod out of nowhere. The Final Fantasy games never explained how the characters do that. Suddenly, the tip of the rod lights up. It's really pretty, and when it fades any pain I had from the spell is gone. Yeah, my being here has messed things up somehow. Garnet isn't supposed to wake up until the party escapes from Evil Forest. Then again, Marcus isn't supposed to be here. You know what, I don't care right now. I want revenge on that stupid lilac bush. (Is it obvious I don't know what kind of plant the Plant Brain is?)

I still have the bottle from Garnet's potion in my right hand, and the bottle from the potion I drank is only a few feet away. After standing up, I quickly run to, and scoop up, the other bottle. Then I do the only thing that comes to mind: I chuck the old bottle (Garnet's) at the Plant Brain and transfer the new one to my right hand. My eyes follow the progress of the bottle as it soars through the air and… falls three feet short of the Plant Brain. Are you kidding me? I get sucked into this place, survive an airship crash, get into a fight with a boss, and I _still_ can't throw as far as my four-year-old niece? Man, I really should've participated in gym class. (Stupid football coach/gym teacher who passed me just to get me out of his hair.)

Even if I didn't hurt the stupid boss monster, I did catch its attention. Great, now it's focusing on me. Wonderful, Rick. Really, you did bang-up job on that. Before it can attack me, though, the other warriors (including Vivi, who has magically reappeared) take the opportunity to attack. Four blades and one fireball collide with the side of the monstrosity. It gives an ear-splitting shriek reminiscent of the widow of a certain murdered British musician before collapsing.

"PRINCESS!" Steiner shouts joyfully. He runs by me, knocking me over like he's Garnet and I'm a tuba player, and pulls the poor girl into what must be a painful hug. His armour is all torn up, if you'll remember, and the shredded metal is probably poking into her.

"Nice to see you're still with us, Princess," I hear Zidane say. I look at him and find that he's looking at me, not Garnet. Unsure of how to respond, I don't. How do I even know he's talking to me?

There's something I'm forgetting, something big. What is it? I look at the body of the Plant Brain and see it twitch. Okay, there is no way that thing is still alive. It's as dead as parachute pants. The eighties, what were we thinking? The only good thing to come out of the eighties was _Dynasty_. Hey, you try denying the awesomeness that is Joan Collins. See, you can't.

"What's up, Princess?" Zidane asks with a laugh as he puts his arm around my shoulder again. I can't speak. No, it's not because I'm suddenly re-aware of just how handsome Zidane is. (This is just a dream, after all. I hope.) What does have me so freaked out is the fact that the Plant Brain is moving again, but not in the way you'd think. Zidane follows me gaze in time to see the Plant brain get sucked into the ground. Then these things that look like a cross between a praying mantis and rose start pouring into the cave via the large hole in the ground where the Plant Brain used to be. If I didn't know better, this was the plant kingdom getting revenge on me for my plot to burn down my mother's flower garden.

"Run!" Marcus shouts as more and more of the creatures pour into the cave. I look around and see that the way we came in is blocked off, but there's another exit we can still use. Marcus seems to have seen it, too, because he waves at us to go that way.

"Come on, Princess," Zidane yells as he grabs my wrist and pulls me towards the exit. We stop when we reach it, because it's a drop of ten feet into a shallow stream. I turn back to see Steiner carrying Garnet in his arms and Marcus has a very resistant Vivi tucked under his left arm and his sword in his right. I look at Zidane, who gives me a little push. "Jump!"

I crash into the water, which is incredibly cold, and push myself into a kneeling position. Zidane lands next to me, but he manages to stay on his feet. Next come Marcus and Vivi, and Steiner and Garnet finish it up. Marcus wades over to me and pushes Vivi into my arms. Somewhere along the way, I had dropped the bottle I was carrying.

"Get the kid out of here, now!" Marcus screams in face. I don't bother arguing. My feet are already splashing through the stream by the time I become aware I'm running.

There's no way to tell where I'm going. I keep running and Vivi seems to have given up fighting me. The little guy seems to weigh nothing at all, which aids our escape since I'm not that strong. (Insert complaint about gym class here.) A few seconds into my escape, the plant life decides that it doesn't want me to. Vines and branches start reaching out for me, but Vivi burns them away with his magical fires. What a helpful little bugger.

My lungs start to ache due to lack of oxygen, but I can see a clearing a few feet ahead. Come on, Rick! It doesn't matter what happens to you, but the kid in your arms is destined to save the world from a genome on a power trip. Well, he'll have help from the other seven heroes, but that's beside the point.

Freedom. I spill out of the trees and into a cold mist, but I don't care because there aren't anymore psychotic tulips trying to kill me. About twenty feet away from the tree line I collapse. Vivi falls onto the ground beside me before standing up and adjusting his hat. I don't even have the energy to sit up and make sure everyone is okay. Well, not until I hear Vivi yell, "Zidane!"

I rocket back to my feet to see that the forest has petrified and Zidane is standing just outside pounding on the entrance which has been closed off by petrified vines. Steiner and Garnet are safe, which means Marcus… I guess that even with me here, some things don't change.

"Hey, Honey," I say as I put a hand on his shoulder. Zidane turns around and looks at me with tears in his eyes and a frustrated look on his face before he pulls me into a hug. Awkwardly, I pat his back. The guy just lost someone who was like his brother, people. I run a hand through his hair, which is damp from sweat, and murmur comforting words to him. "It'll be okay, Honey. We'll come back and rescue him soon."

Of course, I already know that Steiner, Garnet (who will be Dagger by then), and… Who will they meet on their way to Treno now that Marcus is the one that's petrified? Blank? Cinna? Benero? Zenero? Great, I'm royally screwing things up here.

"Come on, Princess," Zidane says when he finally collects himself. We turn to the rest of the group, and they all have these really guilty looks on their faces. Except for Vivi, who really doesn't have a face, but you know what I mean. Zidane addresses the other three with absolutely no enthusiasm in his voice. "All right, guys, let's set up camp. We'll continue on our way to Lindblum in the morning."

We wander in a random direction that's chosen only because it leads us away from Evil Forest. I really hope Baku and the rest of Tantalus made it out of that place okay. When we reach a place that everyone silently deems far away enough from Evil Forest, I crash from exhaustion and envelop myself in the warm arms of sleep.

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A/N: Ugh, this thing was a monster to write. I hope it was funny enough for you guys. I know that I said in the ending author's notes of chapter 2 (before I changed them) that there would be nothing but friendship between Zidane and Rick. However, after toying with the idea of a relationship between them, I decided it would be more fun to have one of those "do they, do they not" kind of things going on with them. But there will still be a love interest in Lindblum who'll throw a wrench in the boys' mojo, so to speak. Ah, I'm so evil, and you all love it.


	4. Fast Times at Mist Valley High

Chapter 4: Fast Times at Mist Valey Hgh

A/N: Rick and the gang aren't going straight to Ice Cavern, and you'll see why. This chapter is very character-centred, so there's not as much action as there has been in the past.

This chapter is dedicated to my father, because Father's Day is coming up.

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When I wake up, I'm cold. I want to pull my comforter tighter around me, but it's gone. All I feel is wet grass. Why is there grass in my bed, and why is my bed so hard and lumpy?

"Mm?" I mumble as I sit up and rub my right eye. My hand is freezing to the touch, and it jerks me to full consciousness. I yawn and look around, seeing little more than fog in every direction. Snoring does reach my ears, though, so I crawl toward it. Imagine my surprise when I see a guy dressed like Steiner sitting on a tree trunk and snoozing away. As I become used to my surroundings, I can make out other people sleeping on the cold ground.

With a bang, the previous day's events return to me and I groan. So it wasn't a dream after all. Why am I in FFIX? I sniff and something reeks. Oh, right, the whole poop thing yesterday with Zidane. Stupid Zidane. Where is he, anyway? I can only make out two figures other than Steiner here, and neither is Zidane.

"Good morning, Princess," someone says quietly. Anticipating Zidane, I'm not surprised when he sits down next to me. What does surprise me is what he has in his hands. "Want some?"

"Are you seriously eating that?" I shriek. Apparently my exclamation has roused my partners in crime, because I hear Vivi and Garnet yawning. Their silhouettes sit up and stretch before looking around for the source sleep deprivation.

"What is the trouble?" Garnet calls out as she stands up and walks to us. She really doesn't look good, considering she was infected with the seeds longer than anyone else, and was also under the Plant Brain's control. No, that word doesn't fit. How about power? Watch? Whatever, the frickin' thing kidnapped her and then tried to kill us. I quickly look at my side and see nothing but a jagged tear in both of my shirts.

"This guy," I scream in revulsion and point at Zidane. He looks at me like I've gone crazy. "He's _eating_ a Mu!"

"What?" Zidane asks innocently after swallowing a mouthful of the monster. I feel like I'm going to be sick, but my body is too tired to move me away from him. "I cooked it over the fire first."

There was a fire? Right, I remember seeing it in the little scene after the gang left Evil Forest. There should be a tent nearby, which I don't see and no one used, and a moogle should show up to give us that flute. I never saw Zidane eating a Mu, though. That is just wrong on so many levels.

"Yes, Rick, was is wrong with eating Mu? It is served quite often in the castle," Garnet asks as she sits down across from me. Vivi also looks at me as if I've gone insane. Okay, obviously people in this world have no problem eating monsters. Eiko did put an oglop in her soup, after all. Note to self: don't eat anything Eiko cooks.

"Umm…" I mutter. Think, Rick. Why would something as common as eating a Mu gross you out? My eyes wander to the carnage Zidane has made of the squirrel thing, and I feel the urge to throw up again. Oh, I know! Go with the vegetarianism. Everyone will buy that! "I'm a vegetarian."

"What's a vegetarian?" Vivi asks. The kid is still standing up and he adjusts his hat before looking right at me.

"It's a person who doesn't eat meat," I state. Zidane snorts and, for a second, I'm afraid he's going to make some sort of crude joke. My brother loves to make jokes about me and "eating meat." Ah, my family, all the white trash you could want without having to shout "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" and watch unattractive people pole dance. Aren't I lucky?

"What do you mean?" Garnet asks me. She looks utterly bewildered. "Why would you not eat meat?"

How do I explain this one? "I believe it's morally reprehensible to kill an animal for food when I could just as easily eat an apple or some broccoli."

"What are apples and broccolis?" Garnet asks, looking even more confused. Do they really not have apples here, or is she just incredibly sheltered? I look over at Zidane, and he grins at me around a mouthful of Mu. Okay, I'm not looking at him again until he's finished with his breakfast. Whatever happened to cereal?

"An apple is a fruit that grows on a tree, and broccoli is…" I say with a yawn. What is broccoli, though? I know it's a vegetable, but does it come from stalks like corn or is it a root like carrots. Seriously, does anyone know what broccoli is, aside from something little kids won't eat?

"Answer her question, Princess," Zidane says with a laugh. He claps me on the back and I'm trying so hard to retain what little violent tendencies I have. I really doubt Zidane will want to have to explain to people how he became a eunuch.

I don't have to answer her, though, as Garnet's attention turns onto him with curiousness in her eyes. With the brief reprieve allotted to me, I look at Steiner who is still asleep. The man must be able to sleep through anything, what with all of the racket we're making. I tempted to get a marker and make one of those fake moustaches with the curly ends, but I don't have a marker with me. There is bound to be some half-burnt sticks in the fire I could use…

"Why do you call him 'Princess?' I'm the princess," Garnet asks. I look at Zidane with a huge grin. He should have to sweat like I did. Bless the royalty and her naiveté. Well, for now, anyway. It does almost get her killed by Brahne later, but I'm not going to able to disillusion her if her own "Uncle Cid" can't do that.

How does the oh so clever Zidane answer her? By annoying me, that's how.

"I just call him that because he's such a priss."

Priss? I'm prissy? Okay, monkey boy, one more word and you're mine. My Manicured Claws of Death are screaming for your blood, and I'm not trying hard to keep them in check. So far, their only victims are my brother (intentional) and myself (unintentional). If it hurts me when I poke myself by accident, imagine what it'll do to you on purpose.

"I am a princess," Garnet says slowly. There can only be one place she's going with this. "Do you find me to be a 'priss' then?"

Yeah! You go girl! Let's see him try to wiggle his way out of this one!

"What's a priss?" Vivi asks curiously, looking at the three older people who are talking. His grandfather must've really smothered him before passing away. By the time he was seven, my brother was calling me prissy for playing with our older sister's makeup. That's how I learned teal eye shadow brings out the green in my eyes. After all, what kind of guy wouldn't want to be told that he has two beautiful emeralds set into a gorgeous face. Nobody's said that to me yet, but here's to hoping!

"You want to know what a priss is?" Zidane asks Vivi with a laugh. When the little kid nods his agreement, Zidane jerks his thumb in my direction. "That's a priss."

Oh, no he didn't! He did not just say call me a priss again. That's it, the claws are coming out.

I leap at Zidane with a growl, my fingers curled into maximum scratching position. Unfortunately, I underestimated him. He's caught off guard at first, but just before the clawing starts he falls onto his back and puts his foot into my stomach. Then he grabs my wrists and flips me overtop of him and to the ground. Ouch. Lower back pain. Don't move, Rick. Just lie here in the grass until the aches go away. Yeah, that's a good plan. Let's stick with that.

"What is wrong with you?" Zidane shouts over Steiner's snoring. I'm in too much pain (or, I should say, embarrassment) to answer him. Luckily, our resident heir to the throne does it for me.

"I don't think he likes to be called a priss," she says as I sit up. What was your first clue, the growling or the failed mauling?

"Whatever," I groan as I rub the lower portion of my back and give the dirtiest look I have at Zidane. You will turn into a toad. You will turn into a toad. It's not working. Bah, there are more important things to worry about. "Do you have that map on you, Honey?"

"What map?" Zidane answers nonchalantly. I wish I could say the reaction was the same from Garnet. Her mouth is so open so wide I could back my uncle's box-truck (kind of like a mini-semi) into it. How regal. I wonder what could have brought on that look, heh heh…

"Didn't Marcus give you a map of the Mist Continent?" I ask. In the game, Blank gives Zidane a map before being petrified. What other reason could Marcus have for showing up during the fight with the Plant Brain?

"I have no clue what you're talking about," Zidane says with one eyebrow raised. I look around and see that Garnet is also studying me. Vivi, on the other hand, is throwing rocks off into the Mist and making explosion noises. Now you tell me, how cute is that?

"Ah, never mind," I mutter before looking at ground. No map means no way to get where we're going. I hope Zidane knows his way around, since I doubt the rest of us have a clue. Nothing looks the same in real life as it does on a TV screen. Really, the Mist is so thick that you can't see more than ten feet in any direction. "So, where to next?"

"Ice Cavern should be nearby. We'll go there since North and South gate are both closed off," Zidane says as he runs his right hand through his hair. Then he turns to me with a grin that makes my skin crawl. "Hey, Princess. You want to do me a favour?"

"What is it, Honey?" I ask defensively. Who knows what could happen. Besides, that moogle still hasn't shown up to give us the Moogle Flute.

"Wake up Rusty for me, will you?" he shouts before jumping to his feet. He helps Garnet up and starts walking away. If it weren't for my poor back, I would so give my nails another go at his pretty face. Well, now I have to go wake up my knight in rusty armour. Oh, unpleasant images, again.

"Wakey, wakey," I call out in a singsong voice as I rap the side of Steiner's helmet. He snorts and jerks before looking at me like I'm Lee Harvey Oswald and he's Jack Ruby. Running for my life seems like a good idea right now. Steiner doesn't say anything, though. When I find Zidane, I'm so going Joan Collins on his behind. Now all I have to do is find a lily pond. "Umm, we have to go now."

Steiner looks around, obviously remembering yesterday's escapades. Oh, he's not happy. He's not angry, either. The knight is actually… panicked?

"Where's the princess?" he bellows at me as he bolts up and grabs my shoulder. Then the shaking begins. I think I'm going to puke. Steiner continues to use me as a rattle when Vivi walks over and knocks on Steiner's leg. yes, he treats Steiner's leg like a door.

"Mr. Steiner?"

"Yes, Master Vivi?" Steiner asks calmly as he lets me fall, rather roughly, to the ground. It's too early for this kind of stuff, if you ask me. And why is Vivi called "Master" while I'm treated like a martini: shaken but not stirred?

"They went that way," Vivi says as he points in the direction Zidane and Garnet are traveling.

"Thank you, Master Vivi," Steiner says appreciatively before running off. Of course, I'm left on the ground listening to the soothing sounds of a moron screaming "PRINCESS!" and armour clinking. This totally sucks. If I find out someone brought me here, then I'm going to hunt him/her down and berate them until their eyes bleed from all of the crying. Eww, now I've grossed myself out. I just really want to go home.

"Come on, Cutie," I say as I stand up. Vivi takes my hand (voices in my head go "Aww") and we follow the sounds that are distinctively Steiner.

A few minutes later we catch up to the others. Steiner and Zidane are yelling at each other and Garnet is looking bored. When she catches sight of us, her eyes light up. Why do I have the feeling that has more do with Vivi than me?

"Rick and Vivi have arrived," she informs our arguing comrades. Both of them look at us angrily. Uh oh, why do I feel a Zidane-inspired anti riffraff rant courtesy of Steiner coming on. I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that his gaze of doom is focused solely on me. Even Vivi can tell I'm in for it, because he let's go of my hand and walks over to Garnet.

"And you! You aid and abet the likes of this criminal. Beheading is the most fitting punishment for you, you traitor. I will stand by the Queen's side and laugh as the blood pours from your decapitated body!" Steiner shouts angrily. That. Is. Disgusting. Someone is obviously a closet fan of S & M. Oh, wonderful. More images that make me want to gouge out my eyes. Ah yes, that's better. I much prefer thoughts of me stabbing myself in the face over Steiner dressed in tight leather with chains and a whip… Stop it, Rick, or I may just have to gouge out your eyes for real!

"Shut up, Rusty! We went to snatch her, and she wanted to be snatched. Don't blame Rick for her," Zidane shouts and gestures at Garnet, "decisions. She's a big girl, so if you're going to blame anyone, blame her!"

A very red faced Steiner has refocused his attention on Zidane. "Silence, you brigand! You aren't even worthy of looking upon her royal soilings, much less being in her company."

"STEINER!" Garnet screams, utterly horrified by his mention of her "royal soilings." You know, all of this talk of soiling reminds me that I still have some on my face from Evil Forest. I'll have to remember that I still have to kill Zidane for that.

"I apologize, Princess," Steiner says quietly to Garnet. Ugh, I so hope this is behind us. I just want to get to Dali so I can take a long shower and get some rest. I'm also hungry. So far, my travels through Gaia haven't brought me so much as a piece of gum to chew on. And I'm afraid I may start going through withdrawal if I don't get my fabulousness fix. I sincerely doubt there's a Dollywood here.

"Can we just go?" I whine. My back still hurts and I want to at least make it to Ice Cavern and pass out during Zidane's fight with the first Black Waltz before today ends.

"Princess, I insist you allow me to escort you back to the safety of Alexandria and have these criminals incarcerated," Steiner pleads. This is starting to annoy me. Can this guy do nothing but complain and insult people? I thought I had left Tom Cruise back on Earth. "Being in the company of filth and traitors like Richard is bound to corrupt you eventually."

"Just shut up, Rusty."

Awkward silence. Did I say that? Well, if the eight pairs of eye on me are any indication, I would have to say so. Zidane is grinning, Garnet is perplexed, Vivi… well, he's Vivi. There's no reading that face when all you have to go by is eyes, But if I had had to guess: he's curious. Steiner, on the other hand, is nothing short of pure rage. To quote the wonderful Cher in her movie _Moonstruck_, "Oy Vey."

"Yeah, Rusty. Just shut up. We have to get to Ice Cavern so we can get above the Mist and make our way to Lindblum," Zidane interjects before Steiner can wail on me. What a sweetie. Maybe I won't kill him after all.

"We are not going to Lindblum! We are returning to Alexandria!" Steiner screams. Well, at least it's not a deadly silence anymore. But when is Garnet going to shut him down?

"Shut up! She wants to go to Lindblum, and you're a big jerk!" Zidane counters. Ooh, way to tell him off Zidane! That's almost up there with Steiner's ragamuffin crack from yesterday. Why do I always fall for the dumb ones? What? I didn't say that I've fallen for Zidane. Your eyes are just messed up. Yeah, you have glaucoma, and have to smoke pot because of tension headaches caused by your glaucoma. That's why you thought I said I fell for him. You're stoned. Shut up! Mean people telling me I'm in love with Zidane when I'm so obviously not.

"Be quiet you two. Let's just go," Garnet says calmly. It's about time. Why couldn't you have said that before Steiner threatened to watch me be decapitated?

Everyone starts walking away from Steiner, and I watch as Garnet chats with Zidane. The hussy. Don't look at me like that. I'm not jealous, just stating a fact. Yep, that's all I'm doing. Quit it!

"PRINCESS!"

Why am I not surprised to hear the clanging of metal in accompaniment with that? Could have something to do with the fact that eighty percent of Steiner's vocabulary consists of different ways of yelling that one word? Hmm, probably. I'll have to consult Dr. Tot if I end up going to Treno. Provided I don't end up back on Earth first.

"Honey?" I ask Zidane as I catch up with him. It's a little hard to do since he's faster than me and doesn't have Vivi riding on his shoulders. The kid wanted a ride and weighs next to nothing, so I gave him one. My back obviously disagrees with me on that. "Why was your friend Marcus at the fight with the giant plant thing? I thought you said you left Tantalus."

If it were Blank that had shown up, I would know the answer. Since it was Marcus and there was no map, I have no idea what to expect.

My heart breaks a little as he gives a heavy sigh and reaches into his pocket to produce a ring. That's right people, Marcus was petrified over jewellery. The ring itself is gorgeous, though. A smooth band of clear, blue stone. A sapphire, perhaps? "He said the Boss sent him with it, said it would help get us to Lindblum. It's a Madain ring."

Madain ring? I remember those, but I can't remember what they did. I was too busy trying to teach everyone Auto-Life and Auto-Reflect to pay much attention to anything else. I wonder if they have abilities like that now.

"Honey…" I start to say, but Vivi interrupts me.

"Can I wear it?" he inquires, pointing at the ring. Zidane agrees, and I have to stop and bend down so he can slip it on the black mage's thumb. The little guy's so excited, like a real kid. I really don't want to go to Dali and ruin him. Damn that Brahne and Kuja!

"I'm going to want that back in a little while," Zidane tells the kid on my shoulders. Then we start walking again and Zidane looks at me oddly. "Princess, were you going to ask me something?"

"Never mind," I say as I shake my head. I turn around, walking backwards, and shout out to Garnet who is hanging back a bit with a certain knight. "Hey, Gorgeous! Are you okay back there?"

"Yes, I am well!" Garnet answers with a wave and a giggle. Steiner looks at me like I'm the most evil thing in the world. It doesn't really bother me, because the football team gave me that look everyday. Ah, the joys of high school. That's one thing I don't miss. That and those snobby cheerleaders. I tried out for the squad once, and gave a flawless performance except I stumbled slightly during the landing of my last pirouette. They voted that stupid Raquel Malone into the group over me. Bitches.

I spin back around so that I'm walking forward, and Vivi giggles like most little kids do. "Do it again! Do it again!"

So I twirl across the fields and, before long, Garnet joins Vivi and me in our bizarre dance. Zidane just laughs and declines our offer to join while Steiner mutters angrily and shoots dark looks in my direction.

"Hey, Cutie. How old are you?" I ask as I look up at him. He looks happy, even if he isn't smiling. I can see it in his eyes.

"My grandpa said I was nine," he says wistfully before urging me to resume spinning. However, my eyes meet Garnet's and she's just as shocked as I'm. He's nine years old, but acts as carefree as a child half his age. Poor guy must have been incredibly sheltered. Either that, or Qus can't count. Quite honestly, both are logical explanations, if Quina is any indication. Don't get me wrong, I like Quina. Blue magic is one of the best things about Final Fantasy games (except for Enemy Skill Materia in FFVII, but that's for another time), and Quina is such a free spirit. S/he just never seemed that intelligent is all. A good cook and connoisseur of all things edible, yes, but not a scholar. Where am I going with this?

At Vivi's request, I continue to spin, and Garnet continues to dance around us. She even sings a bit of an opera she learned at the castle, and it's stunning. The lady has an excellent voice, right up there with kd Lang and Martina McBride. That's right, I'm a fan of Martina. You want to do something about it? You do? Oh, I was just kidding. Not about being a fan of ole blue eyes, but… well… you see, the thing is… please don't hurt me!

We walk for a long time, though I do eventually stop spinning and Garnet takes over Vivi duty. My back still hurts and I'm starting to sweat. Did you know sweat can ignite the stench of flaked off poo? Neither did I, but now I can really smell it. If the others can, they're not saying anything. I'm officially mad at Zidane for Evil Forest again. Stupid Zidane.

"Gorgeous?" I ask Garnet. Yes, I've only been here a day, and already I have nauseating nicknames for everyone. Well, not for Steiner. I think Rusty will do just fine. "I have something to do. Could you get the others to wait for me?"

"Of course I can, Rick," she says with a smile. Okay, I'm taking back the hussy comment. Really, Garnet is a great person. She's like that one nice member of the socialites, who gets nominated for homecoming queen but never wins. The main difference is that she actually does become queen. I'm a friend of royalty. How many perks will that get me later in the game?

There's no time to think it over as I shuffle out of my traveling companions. I really have to find a tree or a bush. The guys out there know why. Ooh, a boulder! That'll do.

A few seconds later, I'm left with a wet rock and a dilemma. How do I wash my hands? To walk around without washing them is just so… eww! I have to have something I can use. Let's see, there are the ether, the potion, and a little over 150 Gil in my pocket. Well, since I know a potion heals, I hope it works as an antiseptic as well. Let's pour it on my hands and find out.

After a few drops, I notice something odd about the potion. It smells like strawberries, and I don't mean the cheap shampoo version of strawberries. My potion smells like actual strawberries. Experimentally, I take a sip. My back pain disappears and it does indeed taste like strawberries! I wonder if it'll do something about the "unpleasantness" on my face.

I pour the remnants of the potion into my hands before dropping the bottle and wiping it on my face. It doesn't cover the stench, it removes it completely. I hold the empty bottle up to my face and catch my reflection in the glass. The potion is soaking into my face, and taking all of the dirt, mud, and "other stuff" with it. Whether it's a good thing or not I don't know. What I do know is that, somehow, this potion was different from the one I drank back in Evil Forest. Also, I still smell like strawberries. I wonder if people in Gaia use potions instead of bathing. It's doubtful, but, then again, they eat monsters. Boy, my redneck family would love it here. Kill, eat, and never have to bathe. Yeah, they're that gross. I can only assume potions are used in place of brushing teeth, something I would have no problem adjusting to.

The crunching of wet grass meets my ears. I have been gone awhile, the others must have gotten worried and come after me.

"I'm okay," I assure whoever is behind me as I turn around with arms spread out to show that I am, indeed, okay. What greets me aren't my friends, though. No, I'm now in the company of two goblins.

They're slightly taller than Vivi, and are quite humanoid (fancy word, I know) in appearance. Plus, they have a small sword each. Did I mention that those swords are pointed right at me? Okay, okay. Calm down and make a plan, Rick. What would Oprah do?

"HELP!" I shriek as I run away from the goblins, who happen to give chase. Oprah would so not run away from these midgets. She would use god-like powers to turn them into respectable members of society who will serve her dutifully when the American people finally realize that she is the only person capable of running America while lowering inflation, unemployment, and continuing to be just fabulous. In case you haven't figured it out, I love Oprah.

Oh, right, I'm still being chased by goblins and, unfortunately, I'm not Oprah. I look back and see the goblins running on their little legs and waving their swords in the air. This is so not fair. I don't even have so much as a compact to defend myself with.

I turn back around and painfully collide with a wall of metal. Okay, since when are trees made out of rusty steel? Oh, wait, those are legs, not a trunk. Those branches are arms…

"Steiner!" I cry gleefully as I wrap my arms around his legs. Yeah, that's how desperate I am.

"Get off me, you traitorous filth!" he shouts as he kicks me off. Well, I'm not going to thank you now.

"You okay, Princess?" Zidane asks after shooting Steiner a dirty look. Of course, by now Rusty is fighting with the goblins. I'm very tempted to latch onto Zidane's legs in a fashion similar to that of what I just did with Steiner, but I won't.

"Yeah, Honey. I'm fine," I reply between heavy breaths. Is it too soon to be making cracks about gym class? I thought so. "Just a little tired."

With that, he runs over to join Steiner in the battle with the goblins.

"Rick, are you well?" Garnet asks as she and Vivi finally arrive. The princess has a look of concern on her face as she looks from me to the monsters fighting Zidane and Steiner.

"I'm great, Gorgeous," I answer as my heart stops trying to jump through my ribcage.

"Do you want to wear my ring?" Vivi asks as he takes the band off his thumb and holds it out to me. "It might make you feel better."

Didn't I just say that I was fine? "Thanks, Cutie. It's Zidane's, though. You might want to remember that."

I take the ring and slip it onto the middle finger of my right hand. It feels really good after I put it on, almost as though there's some kind of power in it. Nah, that can't be right. It does look pretty, though. I hold out my hand and admire the sight of the clear blue ring against my skin.

"What're you doing, Princess?" Zidane asks as he walks over to us. He's sweaty and seems to gleam in what little sunlight makes its way through the Mist. Is it just me, or is it a little hot out here just now?

"Oh, nothing, Honey. Just modeling your ring," I answer as I stand up and hug him. To hell with the sweat, he's my hero. "Thanks."

"Umm, you're welcome?" he's says with a clueless look as I let him go. It's just a hug. There doesn't have to be some kind of hidden meaning behind it. Zidane's tail flicks out to the side and he scratches his rear. Ugh, I'm so going to have to break him of that. "What did I do?"

"You saved me, silly," I tell him as I playfully slap his arm. "You and Rusty over there."

"This may sound weird," Zidane asks me, "but do you smell strawberries?"

"Nope," I say with a giggle.

"Richard!" Steiner shouts as he clinks in my direction. Why do I feel a rant coming on?

"Yes? What do you want, Rusty?" I ask. Yeah, I'm going there. Steiner has been on my case ever since I woke up on those steps in Alexandria castle, and I'm tired of it.

"You are an embarrassment to the Alexandrian military! You are frightened by even the weakest of opponents, and you constantly rely on the strength of others to protect yourself," he announces angrily with a finger in my face. Gee, you'd think I didn't know I'm a coward. I take pride in my cowardice, thank you very much. My beautiful face has to be protected somehow, and that's the best way.

"You're the one who let me into the Knights of Pluto. So before you start on me about my incompetence, how about you examine your own," I zing at him. See Zidane, that is a good comeback. Much better than calling him a "big jerk."

Speaking of Zidane, he laughs and slaps me on the back. Of course, I stumble and fall face first into Steiner. We both crash to the ground, which prompts more laughter from my so-called friends. Vivi then jumps on my back with a shout of "Dog pile!" Now where did he learn that? I doubt that Qus know what a dog pile is, so that rules out his grandpa. Maybe he picked it up in Treno or Alexandria.

"I don't feel like playing right now, Cutie," I say and hear a sniffle from Vivi. Poor little guy. "Maybe Rusty does, though."

Vivi giggles gleefully and jumps from my back to Steiner's head. This prods more laughter from Zidane and Garnet as I stand up and watch my plan take effect. It really is funny watching the black mage climb all over Steiner, and the knight doesn't know how to react.

"You're evil," Zidane whispers humouredly into my ear. Shivers go down my spine and I spare a glance at Garnet. She looks jealous, if I have to be honest. I have no idea why. There's nothing going on between me and the thief. He is supposed to fall for her, after all. I'm not even trying to be a distraction here. The whole love story between garnet and Zidane was one of my favourite parts of the game, so why would I try to break them up?

"Master Vivi, we must continue on our quest. Now quit being a nuisance and leave me alone!" Steiner insists angrily. What a jerk! Vivi's head droops and he just looks so sad that I want to hug him. He's nothing like I thought he was when I played the game. Vivi is just like any other little kid, only a little more playful. Something really bad must happen to him while he's alone in Dali to make him the introverted and thoughtful character that shows up when Zidane and Garnet (who is Dagger by then) rescue him.

"Hey, Vivi. Have you ever played airship?" Zidane asks the sulky child. Thinking about it, Zidane would make a great father. He's sweet, strong, and has a strong sense of family, if his relationship to the guys in Tantalus is any indication. Now I really wish I had finished the game so that I know what happens to him. Oops! Did I forget to mention I've only ever made it as far as disk four before losing interest? Yeah, I'd be running around trying to do all of the side quests and never actually got around to even entering Memoria.

"N-no," he answers as he looks up at Zidane with big eyes. "How do you play airship?"

"Like this."

Zidane grabs Vivi and lifts his over his head, running around and making a low roar similar to that of an airship. The black mage giggles and put his arms out like they're wings, moving them up and down in flapping motions.

"What's that?" I ask Garnet with a chuckle as I point to a white structure nearby. I don't think it's the entrance to Ice Cavern. In fact, if memory serves me, there's only one place that could be. "Is that South Gate?"

"I do not know," she says with a shrug. "What would it mean if it were?"

"Don't you remember?" I ask her curiously. We did discuss this earlier in the day. "Zidane said South Gate was closed. We must be going in the wrong direction."

"So we are not nearing Ice Cavern?" Garnet asks me. I look around, seeing Zidane playing with Vivi and Steiner wiping goblin blood off his sword.

"Honey?" I shout, trying to catch Zidane's attention. When he doesn't notice, I jump up and down and wave my hands over my head. "Honey!"

Zidane stops, much to Vivi's chagrin, and turns to look at me with a protesting child over his head. "What?"

"Is that South Gate?" I shout back and point in the direction of the structure. Zidane follows the path of my finger and almost drops Vivi. Steiner looks, too, and he does drop his newly cleaned sword. Something tells me that I'm right. I wonder what that could be.

"Shit! It is!" Zidane exclaims. Hey, moron, you have an impressionable young mind in your hands. Do you mind watching the language?

"You have gotten us lost, you brigand!" Steiner shouts as he runs at Zidane with his sword still drawn. Something tells me that this isn't going to end well. "You will be held responsible should anything happen to the princess!"

If Steiner's going to keep yelling throughout this whole trip, I am buying a set of earplugs when we get to Dali.

"Don't blame me!" Zidane yells back as he sets Vivi back on the ground. The little guy wanders over to Garnet and me as Steiner and Zidane continue shouting at each other. "I'm from Lindblum. You're the one from Alexandria, Rusty!"

You know, all of this fighting is getting on my nerves. The urge to slap Steiner and Zidane is fighting against my self-control with everything it has. They fought like this in the game, but not this frequently. Why doesn't one of them simply take the higher road and walk away? I would expect Zidane to do it, but even I have been dragged into an argument or two with Steiner myself. If I can't practice what I preach, what right do I have expecting others to do it?

"Rick, do you want to go there?" Garnet asks me as she points to South Gate.

"Why not?" I shrug. She grabs Vivi and we set off, leaving the boys to duke it out. It'll be interesting to see what South Gate really looks like up close. As we approach, I notice that the doors leading into the gate closed. Also, there are smoke and sounds of battle coming from within. Then someone hoist a red flag over the gate and Garnet stops walking. Yeah, I really don't want to go there either.

I turn to my traveling companions. Vivi is looking at South Gate, trying to figure out why we've stopped. Garnet is holding a large red jewel in her hand that is on a chain around her neck. I'm trying not to drool, because it is the most beautiful piece of jewellery I have ever seen.

"What's that, Gorgeous?" I ask. Garnet jumps and quickly stuffs the necklace back into her puffy shirt. Well, if you don't want bandits to think you have such a large piece of ice, then I guess hiding it in such hideous and bulky clothing is a good idea.

"Rick, 'tis nothing," she says while looking at the banner darkly. Yeah, her mommy issues are a lot worse than mine. My mom wants me to clean the house, and hers wants to take over the world.

"Should we go back?"

"Yes, I believe it would be wise to return," she agrees. So we each take one of Vivi's hands in our own (voices in my head go "Aww!" again) and get set to return to Zidane and Steiner. This reminds me of when I was like six or seven and my parents would take me shopping with them while my brother was at a play date with the neighbour boy. They were afraid I would suddenly bolt in front of traffic, so they would each hold one of my hands. I would be utterly embarrassing to me, but they alleviated the awfulness of the moment by lifting me up so that my feet couldn't touch the ground. Yeah, I miss being that happy with them. If I ever get home, I'm definitely going to try once more to talk things through.

We get back to Steiner and Zidane, who are still arguing. I doubt they even noticed we were gone.

"Ahem," I clear my throat to let them know that we are, in fact, in their presence.

"What is it, Princess?" Zidane yells at me without taking his eyes off of Steiner. Geez, I haven't seen that much hatred since my parents found me reading _The Da Vinci Code_. Great book, by the way.

"Yeah, um, South Gate is under attack from Alexandrian forces, so I think we should just turn around and find Ice Cavern before they find out we're harbouring this beauty," I say while wrapping an arm around Garnet's waist.

"You are a liar!" Steiner shouts, ignoring Zidane and concentrating all of that hatred on me. Yeah, this is definitely worse than the "wake up look" I got this morning. My knees are actually knocking together. "The Queen would never attack our allies!"

"Steiner, it is true," Garnet says softly. She has her head hung in shame, the poor girl. She must know how Florence Henderson's children feel, being the product of all that evil. "Could we just depart from here and find Ice Cavern? I wish to get to Lindblum as soon as possible."

"But…" Steiner begins to object until Zidane gets involved again.

"She said she wants to go to Ice Cavern, and that's where we're going!" Zidane screams in Steiner's face. I can see Rusty is getting upset. Now I guess it's my turn to get involved.

"Honey, let's just go!" I plead as I tug lightly on Zidane's tail. Then he looks at me, absolutely mortified. It' just a tail, so why does he look as though I've castrated him? Have I done something wrong? Knowing me, yes.

"Whatever," he says angrily, jerking his tail out of my hands. I didn't mean to offend him or anything. Why do I always do this? Better yet, why do I always ask questions when I know I'm not going to get an answer?

So we all turn our backs to South Gate and trudge forward in silence. An awkward silence. Even Vivi isn't saying a word.

After a few hours, and a few battles, which involve me screaming and being pelted with rocks by psychotic squirrels, we find ourselves standing outside the frozen entrance to Ice Cavern. Zidane still hasn't said a word to me since the tail incident. Nobody has said a word. Not even a "PRINCESS!" from Steiner. This isn't how the game is supposed to go. What have I done?

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A/N: I know the ending seems a bit rushed, but I didn't want to drag this chapter out more than necessary. I know it wasn't as funny as the earlier chapters, as I had to completely make this one up. Also, I'm not a humour writer. I like angst and drama. Still, I feel this chapter had its moments. And I know Vivi is OOC, but he didn't have that much character that early in the game, anyway. He's actually based on my four-year-old niece, so there is that. The rambling is stopping now, because I do have a chapter to write for my other fic.


	5. Ice Cavern Cometh

Chapter 5: Ice Cavern Cometh

A/N: Sorry about the long wait, but I haven't been in a writing mood. Oh, and I'm out looking for a job, so updates will probably be horribly sporadic. Also, I had to go to the hospital for pneumonia and dehydration. Oh well, enjoy this abomination that calls itself an SI, okay?

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"Honey?" I say as I put a hand on his shoulder. Zidane jerks away from my touch as though I've burned him. I haven't been around someone this angry since my mom had her hysterectomy. That was a crazy few months of hormonal rage in my house, what with my mother and three teenagers. My poor father, that must've been when he started losing his hair. Can anyone recommend a shop on Gaia that sells Rogaine?

"Zidane, what is wrong?" Garnet asks with a frown. "Does this have to do with Rick's actions involving your tail?"

With that, our not-so-humble leader glares at both "princesses" with a look of utter distaste. Garnet seems taken aback and rather saddened by Zidane's reaction, but I had been anticipating some kind of reaction. I just never expected the cold shoulder. The game made it look as if he wore his emotions on his sleeve. Now I'm starting to see just how inaccurate the game is. Either that, or my being here in the world of FFIX is doing more damage than even I had believed it would, if that is what you would call all of these changes in the characters, their personalities, and the plot.

"I didn't know it was such a big deal, Honey. I'm really sorry," I plead. The last thing I need is for the hero of the game to hate me. In the game, the only time Zidane's tail becomes an issue is on the airship ride to Lindblum, when he uses it to hang just out of Steiner's reach. Stupid game giving me false impressions. "Won't you say something?"

He sighs and waves me off. "You know what, Princess? Just forget about it. You didn't know that my tail is off-limits, but just remember that from now on. Okay?"

"Thank you!" I squeal as I tackle him to the ground in a bear hug. Of course, we're right outside Ice Cavern, so we fall directly into the snow. Zidane lets out a cry of shock, but I don't feel a thing.

"Get off me, Princess! I'm freezing to death here!" the thief screams as he thrashes below me. Oh, I know just what to say, too.

"That's okay, Honey. I'll warm you up real nice," I whisper in his ear in the lustiest voice I have. Believe me when I tell you, it is taking everything I have to keep from breaking character and bursting into uncontrollable laughter. Oh, if Carol Burnette could see me now…

"WHAT?" Zidane screams as he pushes me off with all of his strength. It must be my luck that I hit my head on the wall of the cave. Gee, could we overreact just a tad less next time?

The others decide just then to actually enter the cavern and find out why Zidane is screaming like my father when the bills come into the mail. Next thing you know, he's going to threaten cutting off the water when my showers go over twenty minutes. Hey, it's not my fault my shampoo has to be left in my hair for five minutes before being rinsed out. Some sacrifices just have to be made for hair that is soft and shiny.

"It's so beautiful in here!" Garnet gasps in wonderment as she looks at the cavern around us. I pull my face out of the snow and follow her example. The Ice Cavern is easily the second most beautiful thing I have ever seen, with the first being Reba McEntire's infamous "red dress" from the CMA's back during the early 90's. There was the plunging neckline that showed off her bosom, and the absolute loss of breath at just how sparkly it was. It was like, the most beautiful sight I can remember seeing. Newborn babies and sunsets don't even come close to that burgundy miracle, people.

"Princess, don't touch anything!" Steiner screams as Garnet kneels before a flower encased in a crystal of ice. What would happen if she did? Stupid Steiner with his stupid paranoia. It's not like she'll freeze to death. Speaking of which, for a place named Ice Cavern, it's not that cold. In fact, it feels just like it did outside. Weird.

"My grandpa said that this place leads to the top of the Mist," Vivi says with a voice full of reminiscence and reflection. Pooh, I know where this is going.

"Master Vivi's grandfather is clearly a scholar. We must thank him when we get out of here!" Steiner shouts as he clamps a hand on Vivi's shoulder. Hey, why doesn't the little kid fall over like I did when Zidane _and_ Baku give me the same gesture. This just isn't fair.

"My grandfather… he died…" Vivi says in that oddly quiet way that I do recognize from the game.

"Oh," Steiner says _without_ yelling. It's a little sad that it takes the death of someone to actually shut him up. Not that anyone has actually died, but you know what I mean. Poor Vivi.

Surprisingly, it's Garnet who knows what to do. She kneels next to Vivi and puts a hand on his shoulder. If it were me, I would've hugged him, but it's not. Still, Garnet is really surprising in what she does. She kisses the little guy on the cheek and tells him that his grandfather would be proud of him. Vivi immediately perks up. Hey, why aren't I hearing an "Aww" inside my head. Voices, are you there? Hello? (Voices inside my head go "Aww.") There, that's better.

"Hey, Princess!" Zidane laughs. What in the world could he want now? I mean, he _did_ just throw me into a wall.

"What?" I ask as I turn to him. Then my face meets a snowball. Now, why didn't I see that coming? It was so obvious, that even Steiner could have seen it. He probably did. Stupid Rusty.

Everyone gets a good laugh at my expense, especially Vivi. At least he's happy now. Still, these guys aren't getting away with it. I can throw a snowball as well as Zidane, if not better.

I scoop up a handful of glittering powder and cram it into a ball before throwing it in Garnet's direction. Her eyes grow wide, but not for the intended reason. The beautiful princess is spared the wrath of my wintry assault because the snowball falls harmlessly at her feet. Okay, I'm blaming the wind in this place for throwing the snowball off balance. (My poor gym teacher now has an inferiority complex and I don't want it hanging over my head if he does something to himself. Then again, if he does, I won't have gym class…)

Nah, it's definitely the wind, not that these jokers care. Zidane and Garnet just start laughing harder, though whether it's at me or the fact that Vivi smashed the side of Steiner's head with a snowball of his own I'll probably never know.

"Can we just go?" I whine as I try to wipe the snow off my face. You probably won't believe this, but there isn't a single flake on me. Hmm, it must have melted already.

"Fine, Princess. We'll go just for you," Zidane says as he puts his arm around my shoulders. Then guess what happens. HE. GIVES. ME. NOOGIES! My hair wasn't wonderful before, being flat and all, but I'm sure it's worse now. That's it, when we get to Dali I am so getting my revenge. I don't know how, but I am. Maybe I'll push _him_ into a pile of poo.

"Get off! Get off! Get off!" I cry as I swat feebly at his hands before he lets me go. Yeah, every single hair is standing up and absolutely refuses to go down. Zidane just grins at me. Stupid Zidane. Yeah, that's my mantra now. Stupid Zidane. Stupid Zidane. Stupid Zidane.

"Yes, we must depart. It is rather cold in here!" Garnet says as she rubs her hands together. Why does everyone think it's so cold? Maybe I'm just used to this weather. I live in a border state back in the US.

So off we go, with no idea of where we're going. There are so many tunnels and places to go in Ice Cavern. We also never got the moogle flute, unless it was given to the others while I was sleeping last night. Don't ask me what that has to do with this. Oh, the joys of ADD… Ooh! Something shiny!

"Does anyone want this?" I ask as I hold up my shiny object. It's a dagger almost exactly like the one I gave Zidane back in Evil Forest, with one noticeable exception. There is about an inch of ice coating it. Surprisingly, I don't feel any sense of coolness from it. I guess people of Earth are of tougher stock than those of Gaia. Weirdness.

"_Another_ Mage Masher!" Zidane says happily as he jumps over to me and grabs the blade. Oh, you don't have to thank me. Go ahead and take the dagger; I don't need any source of acknowledgement. My ego doesn't need to be boosted at all. Stupid Zidane.

As Zidane stares adoringly at his newfound dagger (which I found!), Garnet clears her throat. "Shall we proceed?"

Yes, we shall proceed. Bah, I can't wait until she drops the fancy speech. If I wanted to be in a place where people spoke like that, I'd get myself sucked into a lawyer show like _Ally McBeal_. Then I'd force feed Calista Flockhart's anorexic butt some French fries and follow Lucy Lu around with my tongue hanging out of my mouth. Yeah, I like bad girls. That's what makes Joan Collins so deliciously wonderful. Alexis Carrington was like a goddess throughout my youth. What? My mom used to tape _Dynasty_. I am seventeen, people; the 80's consisted of little more than diapers and mashed peas for me.

"Come on!" I gleefully shout, reinforcing Garnet's suggestion that we get out of this place. It may not be that cold to me, but I can definitely see the others think it is. Zidane keeps rubbing his arms, Garnet's teeth are chattering, and Vivi, despite his layers of clothing, is shivering. I couldn't care less about Steiner. Oh, snootiness, how I have missed thee.

"Alright. Settle down, Princess," Zidane groans, his breath turning into small clouds and dissipating with the wind. Oh yeah, it's definitely cold in here. Why don't I feel it then? I don't think I can contribute it to the weather of a Great Lakes state anymore. Perhaps something went wrong when I was brought here, aside from the whole Marcus/Ring thing. Also, I still have no idea how I came to be in Gaia.

We walk for about five minutes before encountering our first battle. These weird things with tusks and fur, that's the best description I can give since I really can't see much more of these things, decide to attack us. Two of them.

"Master Vivi, now!" Steiner shouts before facing the black mage. Vivi fumbles with his staff nervously before aiming it at Steiner. The knight's sword is suddenly coated with flames and Rusty charges at the furry tusk thing on the left. His magically enhanced sword slices through it, and the creature roars before falling over dead.

The other monster horns Garnet in the side, knocking her towards Zidane. He catches her in his arms and holds her as she cures herself. Meanwhile, I'm practically getting trampled by the thing. Huge feet that had previously been hidden by the curtain of fur are now crashing down around me, and it takes everything I have to keep from becoming a pancake. I doubt this kind of footwork has been seen since Kevin Bacon tried to teach that hick how to dance in _Footloose_.

"Help!" I cry as I weave in and out of columns of matted hair. This monster isn't very coordinated. Still, where is everyone? Steiner and Vivi already killed the other one, and Garnet should've finished with her magic by now. Also, I'm surprised I haven't slipped on the ice yet. "Aah!"

I think it was Laguna from FFVIII who said that if you think bad things will happen, then they will. You don't need me to tell you what happened, right? Wrong. _I_ didn't slip on the ice, the _monster_ slipped on the ice and fell right on top of me. If I'm not crushed to death by the behemoth on top of me, then I'm sure to be smothered by either the insane amount of fur or the suddenly noticeable odour this thing is giving off.

"I believe Rick is beneath the monster."

Ah, Garnet. Not only is she the future queen of Alexandria, she's also the current queen of stating the obvious. Hey, Lady! Quit talking and pull this mutated mammoth off me already. I can taste the fur on this thing, and it's not a pleasant flavour.

The whatever-the-heck-you-call-this-thing that has decided to make me the pea to its princess (why can't I escape that word?) is now struggling to stand up. Nothing comes close to this sensation. It's like a Britney Spears music video: uncomfortable in appearance, there's a lot of unintelligible screaming, and things are moving that I didn't even know existed. No, people this is not sex at a drive-in movie. This is me becoming the aforementioned pancake. At least this way I won't be the one cleaning up the mess on the floor.

"What should we do?" I hear someone say, even if it is muffled. Oh, I don't know, how about get this thing off of me? Now, people!

There's a sudden break in the pressure on my body as something causing the monster to jerk upward with an ear splitting shriek before it collapses on top of me. Is it just me, or is it heavier now?

"Heave!"

Heave? Are they going to pull it off me?

"Are you okay, Rick?" Vivi asks. Where have you been, you midget? This could have been avoided if Zidane wasn't flirting and you or Rusty was actually doing something!

I climb out from under the monster and everyone is staring at me. Looking back at the monster, I notice it is gushing a large amount of blood out of its side. That is so gross. All of that fur ruined, and I could've made a gorgeous coat out of it.

"Great, Cutie. I'm just great. What's an elephant crushing me, after all?" I mutter as I stand up and then slip and fall onto my butt. How graceful.

"Are you confident that you are well?" Garnet asks. Hmm, is there a reason I wouldn't be? Hey, leave me alone. I actually have a reason to be mad this time.

"How much further is it?" I huff in an angry attempt to change the subject.

"How much further is what?" Zidane asks as he bends over my head and looks down at me. Stupid Zidane. Doesn't even offer to help me up anymore. Do thieves know nothing of manners. I know they don't often use them, but that's no excuse. To think people told me that New Yorkers were rude.

"How much further is the exit?" I shriek in a very unbecoming way as I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck, nearly pulling him down as I pull myself up.

"Get off!" he cries as he paws at my hands and I tumble back onto my bottom. Everyone is in shock, completely unsure of how to react.

"Would someone help me up?" I shout indignantly as I slip on ice and gathering monster blood. This is so the grossest thing I've ever done. Changing diapers doesn't even begin to compare.

"Quit acting in an undignified manner, Richard," Steiner orders brusquely as he grabs my arm and jerks me to my feet. It's always going to be Richard with him, isn't it? And now my arm hurts.

So we set off with a lot of grumbling coming from me and eye rolls from Zidane and Steiner. I don't think Garnet or Vivi knows how to do that yet, which is weird. Maybe it's because neither of them really knows what to expect from the world. Garnet isn't frightened by Oglops, and Vivi plays with actions figures.

Everyone is still shivering, and they're noticing that I'm not. Don't ask how I know, I just do. I'll catch someone staring at me out of the corner of his eye (or her eye, in Garnet's case). Why can't I figure this out?

"Which way?" Zidane asks the group when we reach a fork in the "road." Really, it's little more than slightly packed down snow covering a layer of ice.

I know this part of the game, because to the left is a moogle trapped in ice, and to the right is a fight with the first Black Waltz and his pet sea lion. Why run headlong into uncertain death when we could help a fairy first? Hmm, something tells me that that's going to end up being a common theme on this journey.

"Let's go over there, Honey," I say, emphasizing my point by putting a hand on his arm and pointing in the direction of where I know the moogle was waiting to be rescued. Everyone seems to like the suggestion, but Ii suspect the roaring winds coming from Black Waltz centre might have something to do with that.

Yeah, there's a big ole moogle-cicle in the middle of this cavern-like room that is just as beautiful as the rest of Ice Cavern. The poor moogle is just staring at us with iced over eyes, and it just looks so huggable. If I ever get back to earth, I'm going to one of those convention-things and buying a stuffed moogle. They're just so cute!

"Vivi, can you melt the ice?" Zidane asks him with a tussle of the mage's hat. Vivi readjusts his hat nervously and steps up to the block of ice.

"I-I th-think so," the little guy says nervously before placing his hands against the frozen water. A large flame flares up and quickly surrounds the entrapped moogle, melting down the ice and freeing the creature.

"Ouch! That hurt, you bastards!" the moogle screams when it gets free. So much bad language! Well, at least Square didn't as curse happy in FFIX as it was in earlier games. Can you imagine Eiko rattling off obscenities like she was Cid Highwind? Well, I actually can, so just forget that. "Oh, I'm free! Thank you, kupo."

The moogle dances around, does a flip in the air, and lands on the ground in front of us.

"That's that, so now what?" I ask while avoiding the urge to grab the moogle and squeeze the life out of it via a hug. It's doubtful anyone else would like that, though. There's my bladder-challenged dog back home, for starters…

"Well, we're not getting out through here. There's only one way in and out of this place," Zidane ponders while looking around. "That means we have to go back and into the blizzard."

Blizzard? Was it really that cold out there? I take it from the sour looks on everyone's faces that it's a yes.

So much has happened since I woke up in Gaia, and none of it makes sense. The basic parts of the game are still there, but no one is following the details. None of the game dialogue has appeared, Marcus was petrified instead of Blank, and we have this ring on my finger instead of the map of the Mist Continent. Also, I still have no idea of how I even got here. At least I didn't get sucked into Resident Evil or Tomb Raider. As much as I love zombies, they scare me, and I doubt I'd look good in short shorts and a tube top with a pistol in each hand. Hey! That's a great idea for a Halloween costume, if I ever go home. Angelina Jolie, eat your heart out. Now all I need is Brad Pitt…

"Hey, Princess, is anyone in there?" Zidane asks while snapping his fingers in my face. My eyes travel the length of his arm, along his shoulder, and up to his face. I can't really read him, but I think he's… concerned? Why would he be concerned about me?

"Yeah, Honey, I'm great," I gush as a cover for what I'm really feeling. Something feels way off about this whole experience.

"Come, Rick, Zidane, we must depart," Garnet says with a wave of her hand. Steiner and Vivi have already left. I look down at the moogle who smiles up at me, and then I sigh and accompany Zidane and Garnet out of the cavern and into the main part of the, well, the cavern. There has to be a better word to describe the place where the moogle is, but I guess it doesn't matter since once you leave Ice Cavern you aren't allowed back in. Oh, believe me, I've played often enough to know that it starts to melt and becomes too "dangerous" to travel.

"So, Princess, why'd you decide to leave the castle?" Zidane asks while I'm looking at the way we have to go with absolute dread.

"I didn't," I tell him. "I just kind of got involved in this whole mess without trying to."

Zidane smacks me in the back of the head and I yelp, but it's ignored. That really hurt, you know. Where I come from, you don't hit people for answering the questions you ask them.

"Not you, _her_," Zidane says while pointing at Garnet. Great, he hit me because I wasn't the princess he wanted to talk to. It's your fault, monkey boy. You gave me the nickname "Princess."

Garnet kicks at a build-up of snow and doesn't answer right away. Of course, I already know the answer, but Zidane doesn't.

"Rumour has it that the queen is considering instigating war," I whisper in his ear.

"Really! Your mom is trying start a war?" Zidane shouts at Garnet. Idiot! There was a reason I whispered that to you.

"I do not wish to discuss it," she says with a hateful look in my direction. Don't look at me lady, he said it. Besides, your mom does start a war. Mine just tries to get me to do the dishes. So if you start acting all uppity, I'll scratch your eyes out and… where am I going with this?

Before anyone else can say anything, there's a very familiar sounding crash. The three of us look at each other and yell the same thing, "STEINER!"

We take off running, and I quickly fall behind. How does a girl a year younger than me and raised that she has to walk a certain at all times manage to faster than me? Zidane I can understand, but Garnet is just wrong. Add in the facts that they're both freezing and I don't feel a thing, and I really think my gym teacher deserves to feel bad. I mean, my being lazy has nothing at all to do with my poor athletic skills. No way, it's all his fault. What? I'm not trying to put the blame on someone else where my own faults are concerned.

I hear Garnet scream, and by the time I catch up with her and Zidane, she's out cold at the edge of a cliff. My eyes catch Zidane's and he looks really worried. I walk over to the cliff and see it's only a five or so foot drop, but Steiner and Vivi are both unconscious at the bottom.

"Honey?" I say as I turn around and see Zidane stumbling towards me in the snow before crashing face first into the frozen cold. Please wake up, Zidane. There is no way I'm fighting a Black Waltz all by myself.

Even though I can't feel it, it is obviously very cold where we are. There's also a heavy wind, which I _can_ feel. My face is suffering from windburn and my eyes are watering.

The sound of a bell rings out above the wind, and I finally shiver. I really don't want to do it, but something is telling me to continue onward. Why do I have to be the idiot who goes into the basement where the killer is instead of running away and calling the cops. My feet, which are moving forward, aren't listening to me, though.

"Huh?" Zidane groans as I pass him. He reaches out and grabs my leg. "Princess? What's going on?"

"I heard something suspicious. Would you come check it out with me?" I ask before I realize what I'm saying. Great, now I really do have to go fight the Black Waltz. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? Wow, now I know why my mom always yelled that at me. Bad, Rick! Bad!

I stick out a hand and Zidane takes it, almost pulling me down as I help him up. Well, this seems familiar. Aren't we just the most coordinated bunch of people ever?

"Do you hear a bell?" the thief yells at me over the wind. I nod and he looks at Garnet then back to me. "Do you think they'll be okay on their own?"

"They'll be fine, Honey," I shout back, completely unsure as to whether or not what I have said is true.

The snow crunches under our feet as we leave our comrades behind and walk towards the sound of the bell. Of course, I'm freaking out with each step and Zidane notices. He's not stupid, but he just ignores me. I'm not sure which is worse, the fight looming ahead of me or Zidane ignoring me. Wait, why do I even care? It's not like I'm even supposed to be here. Why couldn't I have gotten sucked into FFVIII? Then I would understand why I'm being ignored. Squall's just a jerk, but Zidane is supposed to be a nice guy.

"Why aren't you asleep?" a voice asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. What surprises me is that it is a very feminine voice. I look ahead and gasp.

What in Oprah's name is going on in this world? I'm not seeing a Black Waltz with its wings and little bell. Oh no, I just don't have that luck. What I am actually seeing is something far worse and more unexpected. Short, Blonde, and dressed in a dark blue suit with a white shirt and a dark blue tie is Elena of the Turks. Yes, there is a Turk in FFIX instead of a Black Waltz. Does this mean that we're going to be fighting Sephiroth instead of Kuja? Is Shinra going to take over the Mist Continent instead of Alexandria? Is Yuffie going to join the party instead of Amarant? Actually, that last one wouldn't be so bad.

Still, when it comes down to it, this is seriously screwed up.

"The queen hired me to retrieve the princess, and that's just what I'm going to do," Elena laughs with a cold laugh. She raises her hands up into a fighting stance, and I see that she has bells on instead of cufflinks. Now that's not only tacky, that's just bad fashion. What was she thinking?

"You're going to have to get by us, first," Zidane replies as he pulls his Mage Mashers out of his pockets, the ones I gave him. Sorry, I just had to throw that in.

"No problem," Elena answers. Then she runs right at me and delivers a surprising spin kick to the side of my head. Ouch! That hurts even more than being crushed by a living toupee. Miss Kick Rick pushes off me and drives and elbow into Zidane's stomach. He huffs and falls onto his knees as I try to wipe stars from my eyes.

This isn't good, two hits and we're already down. Why couldn't it have been a Black Waltz?

"Wait…" Zidane says as he struggles to his feet. Elena had been on her way by us to pick up Garnet, and yours truly still can't see clearly. "You're not getting out of here that easily. I happen to be the infamous Zidane Tribal."

"Never heard of you," Elena says as she runs as the thief who calls on his training to jump out of the way. Elena runs past him and stumbles face first into the snow. Well, at least she's still Elena. She stands up and turns towards Zidane who is bopping back and forth on his feet. The Turk screams and jumps over ten feet in the air before coming down at Zidane with her fists before her. Zidane jumps at her with his daggers held in front, the blades crossed in the shape of an "X."

They collide and fall backward to the snow, a small trail of red following both. Zidane stands up and holds his bloody knives out at his side, while Elena hops up and down while shaking her hands as the crimson liquid drips from her busted knuckles.

"That really, really hurt!" Elena cries before putting her left hand up to her mouth. Really, really hurt? You kicked me in the head! "You're going to regret that."

Elena runs at Zidane again, kicking him in the side and knocking him into me just as I manage to stand up. At least there's no sea lion, or else we'd already be dead. I do have one question as I push Zidane off of me and onto the cold, snow-covered ground: why is Elena here? Forgive me if I sound like a broken record, but it's a little shocking.

"Oh, I see how the useless one stayed awake," Elena said with a sneer while looking at me. I'm not useless, I'm just not a fighter. That really hurt. Now I'm going to have to get ugly.

"I'm useless? Fine, but at least I'm not some retarded bimbo with poor posture and split-ends, not to mention yellow fingernails and a botched dye job. You are so obviously not a real blonde," I spit with all the venom I can muster. Oh yeah, kitty has claws. Meow, baby, meow.

"What was that?" Zidane asks me in shock. Elena is in an even worse state of disbelief.

I laugh and turn my back on Elena in a grandiose style reminiscent of Joan Collins. Yeah, she's not worth my time, that Elena.

"You want a piece of me?" I hear Elena scream before a fist connects with the back of my head. Ow, this is complete and utter crap! Why isn't Zidane protecting me? She says I'm the useless one.

"You do not want to mess with me, girly," I shriek as I painfully whirl around and grab a handful of Elena's hair. Screams emanate from the Blonde as I pull on her follicles with all the strength I have. With my recent history, I'm surprised I can even make her whimper.

"Get off!" Elena shouts as she punches me in the face. It hurts like a neon orange shirt, but I manage to hang on. Would you do something already, Zidane? "You and your stupid ring!"

My what? Caught off guard by what she says, I'm unprepared for the kick to my gut and fly through the air. Painfully, I land on the ground and bounce somewhat. During all of this, Zidane makes another leap for Elena but she meets him with a right hook that makes his head snap back. Ouch, and I thought I was in pain.

Elena's words concerning a ring causes me to glance at my hand through the black eye that I know I'm getting. The madain ring Marcus had given Zidane is glowing. Why didn't I notice it before? Is this ring why I haven't felt any cold, and why I didn't fall asleep when the others did? Something is going on here. This is way too convenient with my showing up in Gaia. I have to have something to do with Elena's being here, but I have no idea what.

Rough hands grab the neck of my shirt and hoist me off the ground so that I'm face to face with Elena. Eww, she really should do something about those clogged pores. I'm surprised she's not broken out with acne yet.

"Do you know what I wanted to be when I was a little girl?" she asks me sadistically. I can't breathe too well, but that won't cut off my smart mouth.

"If the suit means anything," I wheeze with a smirk, "then you probably wanted to be a little boy."

"Die!" she screams as she effortlessly throws me across the expanse of where we are. I thought getting smacked by the Plant Brain was bad, but this is ridiculous. Elena shouldn't even be here. Then again, neither should I, but that's neither here nor there.

I collide with Zidane yet again, and I hope he doesn't get upset by the fact that my elbow crashed into his nose. It was an accident, I swear! There's no way I'd still want revenge for the whole Evil Forest poop thing. No way at all. Heh heh…

"Ow…" I mutter as I climb to my knees and look at Elena. Her eyes are wide and her mouth is open. If only I had a baseball, then I'd probably have it fall harmlessly to the ground three feet away from her as well. A carny's life is not the life for me.

"What is wrong with you?" she asks while pointing at something behind me. I turn around and see that Zidane is now an odd pink colour that is surprisingly pretty. If I could capture it in a bottle, I'd dye this hideous shirt I'm wearing to a more bearable colour. What? Fashion is just as important as surviving a fight with a Turk. If you don't believe me, ask Meryl Streep. I really wanted to see _The Devil Wears Prada_ before I came to this place.

Zidane has gone into Trance mode, that has to be it. I mean, what else could it be?

This large wave of flames suddenly appears behind Zidane as he crosses one dagger over the other. I mean, this thing is huge. It completely and utterly dwarves everyone here. People have said I'm flaming, but this is ridiculous.

The thief releases all of that power onto Elena at once. Large flames wash over me, but I don't feel a thing. Is he controlling his power, or is the ring protecting me again? I'm going with controlling his power, because I don't want to think that Zidane finds me expendable already. We did just meet, but I'd like to think of us as friends.

Fire comes into contact with a very shocked Elena and she goes flying into the air. She twists through the air lands with a splash in a small pond nearby. I hadn't noticed it before. Maybe it was iced over and melted with Zidane's attack. Whatever the cause, I don't see her resurfacing.

"Let's go check on the others," Zidane says as he goes back to his normal colours and puts his daggers back into his pockets. Then he smiles. "It's actually starting to feel warm in here."

"You go on ahead, I need to think about some things," I tell him as I look up at the ceiling. Water drips onto my face causing me to sputter. Yeah, this place really is melting. Guess I don't have time to ruminate after all. something tells me that Zidane is probably to blame.

We leave together, but Zidane is slightly ahead of me. One last time I look back and see a hand come out of the water. Something tells me that this isn't the last we've seen of her.

"You haven't done anything to the princess, have you?" I hear a familiar rusty knight yell. Wonderful, I forgot all about this part of the game. It's just as disturbing as the spanking scene in FFVIII. Do kids really need to think that the hero might have been molesting his love interest. That's just wrong.

"He couldn't have done anything," I interject before things can go too far. I lean against Zidane, crossing my left leg over my right and my arms over my chest. Looking cool, Rick. You are so smooth. "He was with me. weren't you, Honey?"

Steiner's mouth drops open and he just stares at Zidane and I with utter shock. Why? Did I say something wrong?

"You… and… but you're both…" he manages before things go bad once more.

"No way!" Zidane screams as he jumps away from. Let me give you a lesson on physics: if you're leaning against something and it moves, you move as well. In my case, I fall directly into the snow. Because of the madain ring I don't feel the cold, but I do feel the impact of me and the ground. The look on Garnet's face is absolute humour, but Vivi clearly doesn't get it. Oh, happy day.

"Allow me to help," Garnet says as she grabs my bruised arm. Yeah, Elena really did a number on me. when I wince, Garnet notices and pulls her rod out of somewhere and heals me. Okay, so now I'm not injured. That doesn't mean my pride's not wounded though. Does Steiner really think I'm so slutty that I'd just jump into bed with Zidane? I wouldn't kick him out, but that's something else entirely. Bah, what does it even matter? From Zidane's reaction just now, it'll probably never happen, not that it bothers me.

"Okay guys, let's get out of this place," Zidane says with a grin. "We do still have to get to Lindblum, after all."

"We are not going to Lindblum!" Steiner screams in that Steiner way of his. "We are returning to Alexandria! Princess, I insist you leave this gutter trash behind and accompany me back to the castle!"

Trash? Why am I trash? Didn't I just save his big Rusty butt from Elena? Oh, wait, Zidane helped, too.

"Trash?" Zidane sounds outraged. Wonderful, here we go again.

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A/N: The next chapter is about the trip to Dali, and not Dali itself. Think of the Chapter with South Gate and that's kind of the idea. I don't know how long it'll take me to write, but I hope it's not as long as this one.

As for Elena, I took Triggerhappy777's cameo idea and gave it a twist. You'll see what I mean later, but I have to give credit where credit's due.


	6. Road to Dali

Chapter 6: Road to Dali

A/N: I am SO sorry it's taken so long to update. This thing is just so hard to write. Don't get me wrong, I like doing it, but I've had MAJOR writer's block. This fic will _not_ be discontinued, though, so you don't have to worry about that.

On a non-writing note, I recently saw "Brokeback Mountain" for the first time. It actually does live up to the hype. A beautiful love story with an ending that actually brought tears to my eyes. Yeah, I'm a wuss. Deal with it.

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Sunlight. It seems like I haven't seen it in months, but it's only been a few hours. Also, there's no Mist. I can see Dali off in the distance, and the mountain where Morrid, the old coffee guy, lives is also visible.

"Hey, there's a village up ahead!" Zidane shouts excitedly. From the sound of his voice, you'd think he got a preview of the new fall line. "Maybe we can get to Lindblum from there."

"How?" I ask with a sigh even though I already know. We're going to steal the airship, fight more Black Waltzes, blah, blah, blah. What really bothers me about this is the whole Vivi thing. When I was his age, I was watching cartoons and being forced to play little league baseball by my father. Sure, it was traumatic, but nothing like what the poor kid is going to go through. What is having fat people living through their kids and yelling at the other team on the field compared to wondering if you were made by a fat person who is trying to kill her daughter?

"Perhaps we can find a way to return to Alexandria from there," Steiner exclaims loudly. Geez, this guy yells more than Bill O'Reilly. Have I mentioned I hate Bill O'Reilly? It's not just the fact that he's on FOX News (the enemy of anyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line, except for the occasional drunken redneck and/or fan of Jerry Springer), but he's incredibly arrogant amongst other things. Reminds me of Dr. Phil. Maybe I should get off this tangent. I could go all day. Apparently Steiner can, too, because he's still talking. "…then these two pieces of filth will be properly punished."

Zidane and I eye (weird way to put words together…) Steiner maliciously. After everything we went through in Ice Cavern, he still acts like a complete and utter jerk. If I weren't afraid they'd break, I would so use my Manicured Claws of Death to rip him a new one. They're a little tender after the whole grabbing-Elena's-hair thing.

"Hey, Gorgeous," I call out in an attempt to stop the ensuing battle between Zidane and Steiner. "What are we going to do when we get to the village? We can't exactly refer to you by name, since we're on the run from your ma and all."

Everyone's attention is once more focused on yours truly, and Zidane even mouths "Ma?" in confusion. Steiner looks about ready to explode, which isn't all that unusual, but Garnet is in deep thought.

"Silence, Richard!" Steiner yells. I feel my eye twitch angrily as I restrain the urge to bury my nails in his face. Wow, since coming to Gaia I've become a much more violent person. I'm pulling Elena's hair and (unsuccessfully) clawing Zidane, and it's only been two days. Two days? Feels like I've been here for a lot longer.

"It's Rick!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Strong hands grab my shoulders in a pre-emptive measure to make sure I don't wail away on Steiner for the three seconds it'll take for him to recover from the initial shock and beat me to a bloody pulp.

"Calm down, Princess," Zidane says loudly as he pushes me back and steps up to Steiner on my behalf. At least, I assume that's what he's doing. He could be getting ready to ask for extra ketchup packets because there weren't enough with his order. Don't ask me why I said that, I'm just really hungry right now. Salty French fries made by teenagers with faces just as greasy as my slices of potato sounds really good. Wow, I spelled P-O-T-A-T-O correctly. Heh, stupid Dan Quayle.

Rather than following my ketchup theory, which would've been incredibly bizarre had it actually happened, Zidane is actually trying to explain to Rusty why Garnet needs to adopt a pseudonym. Ooh, big word. Why does that amuse me?

"Silence!" Steiner shouts, pushing Zidane. The monkey-boy is about to fall off the side of the mountain. He's flailing around and trying to regain his balance. I know I should feel sorry for him, but it's his own fault. He knows Steiner is a violent maniac, so why would he stand so close to a cliff? Men. They're idiots, I tell you. Wait a minute…

One of Zidane's daggers falls out of a pocket and clatters to the ground, right at Garnet's feet. She bends over and picks it up, the sunlight catching on the metal and temporarily blinding yours truly. I hold up a hand to block the reflection of light.

"Zidane, what do you call this?" Garnet asks curiously. This is getting ridiculous. She doesn't even know what a dagger is. Would someone tell me how Square even thought it believable that a person could be this naïve?

"Princess, be careful!" Steiner exclaims nervously. Watch out Garnet, you may just end up killing yourself while standing still and looking at a piece of sharpened metal.

"That's a dagger," the thief explains after regaining his balance. He scratches his behind (Aargh!) and continues on his guided tour of the weapons of Gaia. "Short swords are a bit longer, and what Rusty here has is called a broadsword."

Steiner goes irate at this and starts yelling at Zidane for something or other. I yawn and stretched, still exhausted from my fight with Elena. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Vivi observing the whole scene rather thoughtfully. That's odd. Usually he's playing or trying to be the centre of attention. Perhaps this has something to do with the whole Elena thing. Speaking of that, what exactly is going on? Will we have to fight the other Turks? This is seriously screwed up. I know I'm droning on and on about this, but it's seriously freaking me out. There's still no explanation for why I'm here. Broken record, I know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Did I mention blah?

"Dagger…" Garnet mutters so low that I can barely hear her. The incredible screaming duo hears her as well, but the looks on their faces give away the fact that they don't know what she said. I cock an eyebrow in amusement because I know what's coming.

"What is it, Princess?" Steiner asks, and he's _definitely_ not talking to me. Stupid Zidane and his stupid nickname. This will probably be the only time through this whole thing that I won't be confused as to whom people are talking about. "Has being with these imbeciles finally caused you concern?"

Imbeciles? He's obviously run out of insults regarding our (meaning Zidane and I) class. Now he's moved on to insulting our intelligence. I could make a George Bush or another Dan Quayle joke, but something tells me that would be in bad taste.

"My name is now Dagger," she says with conviction. I would've gone with something like Chantel or Yvonne, but I guess even a princess can have a momentary lapse in inventiveness.

"Dagger, huh?" Zidane nods. He takes his weapon back from the girl newly christened as Dagger and shifts his eyes from the blade to the princess. "I like it."

"It's great!" Vivi finally speaks up. The other three look around until they realize the black mage is still with us. How could they forget the utterly cute powerhouse that's been traveling with us?

"I appreciate your approval," Dagger says happily. Wow it's weird to say that after so much of Garnet this and Garnet that…

My enthusiastic response to the name change is interrupted by a sneeze. I guess I do still have allergies here, the Mist must've just dampened them or something. Everyone looks at me oddly. Haven't they ever seen someone sneeze before?

"What is wrong with you?" Zidane inquires as everyone backs away from me. My eyes are starting to water because of those stupid allergens and I absentmindedly wipe the moisture from my face. Unfortunately, Dagger (it's so hard to remember to call her that!) thinks I'm upset for some reason and awkwardly approaches me. I sneeze again and she stops, probably to consider running away, before continuing on her quest to Mt. Rick or whatever the heck she thinks I am. Then everyone's favourite princess pulls me into a hug, an incredibly awkward hug since neither one of us knows what is going on, but it's a hug nonetheless. Clueless, I look around and catch Zidane's eye. He's actually frowning and has his arms crossed over his chest. He's jealous because I'm hugging Dagger? What's the big deal?

"Are you upset?" Dagger whispers in my ear. It tickles and I giggle as I remove her hands from around my neck. She looks confused, but it's taking everything I have to keep from laughing in her face as I realize what's going on.

"It's just allergies," I get out before doing this weird giggle/sneeze thing that sounds like a pig's snort. My companions exchange worried looks before concentrating all eight eyes on me.

"What are allergies, Rick?" Vivi asks. He walks right up to me and starts circling my legs. He sees a random flower, I'm surprised anything can grow up here if truth be told, and picks it. The little kid holds the blossom up to me and asks the most ironic question I think I've ever heard. "Is this an allergy?"

"No," I answer with a smile as I take the flower from him. It's a daisy. At least there's something familiar here. "Allergies are just things that make people sneeze and their eyes water. It's not that big a deal."

Everyone seems happy to accept that explanation, so we start down the side of the mountain. It's a rough walk. Rocks block our path and we have to help each other climb over them when we can't walk around. Cliffs tend to screw people over like that.

As soon as we make it down to flat ground I'm out of breath. Everyone is staring at me. Something tells me this will end up being commonplace. I'm still sneezing my head off and my nose is stuffed up. Don't ask me how it's possible for those to be happening at the same time, because I only took high school biology. Maybe I'll ask Dr. Tot when (or if) we ever go to Treno. Then again, maybe I won't. Nobody here seemed to know what allergies were, if Dagger's reaction was any indication.

"You are positive that you are well?" Dagger asks again. I nod and give a feeble wave. No need to worry the others about something that nobody can do anything about anyway, right?

"Aww, you're worried about me!" I gush suddenly before pulling the princess into a hug. Steiner looks like he's going to kill me, but I'm not too worried. He's wanted to kill me ever since I woke up on those stairs in Alexandria. All I have to do turn the conversation over to Zidane and I'm completely forgotten. Wow. Already, a routine has been established. Rick, you may just be getting used to this place.

Gingerly, Dagger pats my back and I'm forced to let her go. Really forced. Steiner grabs me by the neck of my chain mail shirt and throws me away like I'm the latest straight-to-DVD teen movie sequel. Now I know how _Cruel Intentions 2_ feels. Sorry, but even I have to agree that that movie had nothing on Sarah Michelle Gellar making out with another chick. Now if only there was a movie where Freddie Prince Jr. made out with another guy…

"Apologize to the Princess, you heathen!" Steiner cries in his typical rage. Oh, and now I'm a heathen. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I have been outed as an evil person who is not a Christian. Unless Christianity isn't the main religion here on Gaia. It's probably something ridiculous like Eikoism or Scientology. That's right Tom, I said it's ridiculous. Now you just have to figure out a way to get into a videogame so you can tell me that you know everything about psychiatry and that I'm just another uneducated moron like Matt Lauer. When you get here, though, tell me how you did it so that I can figure out how to go home.

Okay, random rant against a celebrity aside, I still have a very angry knight to deal with. Apparently becoming a traitor doesn't put you in a favourable light with one of the leaders of the military of the country you've officially turned against. Oy vey.

"Whatever for?" I ask in an adopted Audrey Hepburn-esque accent as I pose for an invisible camera. You know, the one she used in _My Fair Lady_. So fancy.

Steiner looks like one of those guys on the wrestling shows, all big and intimidating. He won't actually do anything to me, though. Besides, I know he has nothing on Elena.

"You defiled her!" the sword wielding maniac screams at me before turning back to Dagger. She looks about as scared as I should be. "Princess! Did he touch you inappropriately?"

Did I _what_? Okay, listen here Adelbert, I would _never_ do that to a woman. Unless you count the play, but that was just good acting. Everyone back home thought I was a good actor. I really wish I were home. What if I never do go back, but instead end up spending the rest of my life in this place. There're so many things I'll never get to experience or find out. Will I graduate from high school? Will the Middle East ever achieve peace? Will Meredith choose the Vet or McDreamy? (A/N: If you don't get the last reference, you are so missing out.)

"He did not," Dagger vouches in my defence. She could've spiced it up, but it'll do. "Rick would never do that. Would you?"

"Nope, no way," I answer as I stand up. "Zidane is our resident pervert, not me. Aren't you, Honey?"

Zidane's face is caught between shock and pride. Hmm, he kind of reminds me of my brother right now. The idiot would celebrate his perversion. I'm being serious. He and his friends actually sit around and brag about who's thought of doing what to whom when they were in the shower. Some of their descriptions would make even Ron Jeremy shudder.

"Princess," the thief directs to me, in case you haven't caught on by now, "if anyone here is a pervert, it's you."

Me? A pervert? Now why would anyone ever think that? Heh heh heh…

"Please, I would never do anything that would lead to me being branded as a 'pervert'," Rick told Zidane before flashing a grin to Dagger. Yes, Rick just referred to himself in the third person. If Rick wishes to do so, then Rick will. Rick is a very complex person. I'm going to stop now. Roseanne Barr is starting to seem sane compared to me.

"Rick, you kissed me onstage in front of thousands of people," Dagger states. Steiner begins to shout obscenities at this, and Zidane claps his hands over Vivi's ears. The knight even draws his sword and starts waving it about in a threatening manner. In a show of my incredible manliness, I crouch behind Dagger and cover my head with my hands. So macho. I remember having done something like this before; I wonder if anyone else does.

"Mr. Steiner," I hear a new voice say. Well, not exactly a new voice, but a new one to the conversation. Peering around Dagger's legs, I see Vivi standing beside, and looking up at, Steiner. Zidane, on the other hand, is looking from the black mage to his hands in utter bewilderment. It's almost as though he doesn't know how Vivi got away.

"Yes, Master Vivi?"

Vivi giggles and looks in my direction. This can't be good. "At the play, I saw Rick kiss Zidane, too."

If looks could kill, that nine-year-old would be six feet underneath the ground. A mature person should not think like that, I know, but a mature person would not be playing Final Fantasy IX. Final Fantasy VII or VIII, yes, but not IX. Actually, I wish I'd woken up in the land of Sorceresses and gunblades instead of Gaia. I mean, IX isn't even my favourite game. Besides, who would want Zidane when you have Squall and Nida available? Yeah, I'm a Nida fanboy. Pilots are just so sexy. Gripping the controls so hard that their knuckles turn white, muscles straining when they pull back on the steering device to prevent a crash, sweat glistening on their foreheads as they breathe heavily while I run my hand along their flat stomachs and… Oh yeah, Zidane is definitely the pervert of the group.

Before anyone can say more, though, we have one of those earth shaking moments. Think Jurassic Park and the glass of water rippling. Small pebbles are literally bouncing as much as an inch off the ground. Everyone is looking around in shock and confusion. We have no idea where this "thing" is, or even what it is. With my luck, it's probably a T-Rexaur or a Grand Dragon. Life just likes to screw me over like that.

"Aah!" Dagger screams and everyone looks at her. There is a giant spider looming over her, and it's about four times taller than Steiner. It's purple and has a red hourglass on its stomach. A giant black widow. That's what it is.

After the initial shock, I begin to scream my head off, and I make Dagger's cry sound like Brad Garret. Seriously, I've made my dog with the broken bladder explode in a flash of urine before while watching _Day of the Dead_. (A/N: My favourite movie ever! Yes, I'm that big of a zombie freak. But that's another fic.)

"What was that?" Zidane shouts at me after withdrawing his daggers. He adopts a stance where he holds one of the blades parallel to his chest and the other at his side.

I don't answer because I'm freaking out. There is a giant spider that's about to attack us. A giant spider! I used to chase them around my room with a vacuum cleaner just because there should not be things with more than four legs. First killer dandelions, and now spiders that dwarf elephants. Mother nature hates me with a passion. This is her revenge for all those years of throwing my Popsicle sticks onto the ground instead of in a trashcan. Stupid ice cream companies and their delicious frozen treats.

Something tells me that I should be on some kind of medication. Where is Ritalin when I need it?

While I'm standing there contemplating the various ways in which I have ticked off Mother Earth (or, in this case, Mother Gaia), the freakishly gigantic spider is going on a rampage against my comrades. Vivi is whacked with a leg and the arachnid leans down to bite Steiner's sword arm. Fortunately, Steiner's rusty armour actually manages to protect him. I think the only person not surprised is Steiner himself. Perhaps the rust is just a trick to throw opponents off. Well, no matter why it's there, rust is still incredibly ugly.

Zidane leaps into action, slashing and stabbing at the legs of the monster with his daggers since he's too short to reach the head or abdomen. Dagger, on the other hand, is running around trying to heal the others. Considering Vivi is the only one who's actually been hit, it doesn't appear to be too difficult. I'm just standing there in shock, though. I have no clue of how to fight this thing. I have no clue of how to fight period.

"Would you do something?" Zidane shouts in my direction rather angrily. He takes a swipe one of the eight legs before staring me down. Believe me, if I could do something I would. It's not like I want to be useless. I'm just not a fighter.

"Do what?" I cry back as I try to avoid getting stepped on by the spider. This absolutely sucks. No magic, no weapon, no way to defend myself. At least with Elena I could insult her sense of style. What can I say to a giant spider? "That colour of skin makes you look absolutely appalling. Don't you know that purple is a fall colour? It's the middle of spring!"

"Rick?" Dagger's voice floats to my ears and I look around to see her kneeling by Vivi. She has a questioning face. Please tell me I did not give my spider-colour rant out loud.

The sound of rushing wind drowns out anything else she can say. Then, a second after hearing _it_, I feel _it_: "it" being one of the many legs on the violet bringer of violence. Clever, huh? I would say more, but seeing as how we're engaged in battle and I'm flying through the air, talking just seems a tad inappropriate. Oh, and painful. Extremely painful. The only thing that hurts more than this is watching a Paris Hilton music video. Really now, she's only famous for a poorly filmed sex video and acting like a stereotypical dumb blonde.

Until now, I'd forgotten that we were on a cliff. Now that I'm about to go over it, I remember. Really long fall, cold Mist, and a crash ending. Not the best way to die by any means. It's still better than how Aeris bit the bullet in Final Fantasy VII, though. The first time I played the game and reached that cut scene… let's just say I'm glad my dog hadn't developed her bladder thing yet. Okay, I'm done with bladder jokes for now.

Just before I go over the edge, someone grabs my arm and pulls me to safety. A tail brushes against my arm as I'm pulled into an embrace. Whoever saved me is holding me from behind. One arm is across my chest diagonally, starting under my right arm and the attached hand is gripping my left shoulder. The other is wrapped around my waist. Hot breath brushes against my neck and I have to fight the urge to shiver.

"Are you okay, Princess?" Zidane whispers in my left ear, tickling the sensitive flesh with a warm exhalation. Fighting the smile growing on my face, I relax into his arms and look out onto the horizon.

Dusk is settling across Gaia. The sun is setting and the sky is tinged with hues of red, yellow, and every colour in between. The Mist rises as high as a few dozen feet below the verge of the land. Reflected on the Mist is the aura of the sky above, only more muted in some places and more lustrous in others. Yellows are a golden vapour, red is a series of crimson clouds, and the occasional streak of pink is a swirling, cottony gathering of tulip petals.

"I'm fine, Honey," I whisper back as I push all thoughts out of my head except for the moment at hand. "Just fine."

Then a woman, I'm assuming Dagger, screams. My view of the horizon suddenly shifts to a plain ole view of the sky. Oh, did I mention that Zidane runs off and I fall unceremoniously onto my back? Well, I do. It hurts. It really hurts. Slowly rolling onto my stomach, I look to see just what caused my "hero" to run off.

The spider is still fighting, with Steiner and Vivi simultaneously attacking with sword and magic. Zidane is now saving Dagger from entombment by hacking away at a grey substance with his daggers. Dagger was sprayed with the spider's webbing. Isn't that supposed to slow people down? Since when does it stop them completely? This whole difference-between-playing-the-game-and-living-the-game thing is driving me crazy. At least Zidane is still all over Dagger. Why else drop me like a hot potato to run after her? Great, now my eyes are watering again. Stupid allergies…

While I'm wiping my eyes, the fight ends when Vivi casts Blizzard (when did he learn Blizzard?) on Steiner's sword and the unhappy-go-lucky knight manages to somehow jab his sword into the abdomen of the spider. A shower of blood, entrails, and other gore rains down on Rusty and I have to look away to keep from vomiting. That is just NASTY! He had better wash that stuff off. If he doesn't… He's going to wash it. There are no other options. Either he scrubs it off or I will. I may not be a violent person by nature, but if it comes down to it I will hold that man down and wipe off every trace of spider guts and/or rust. Rust I can live with, but the rest is just something that not even George Romero would approve of.

"Ow," I audibly complain as I stand up. Getting smacked around by a gargantuan spider plus Zidane dropping me equals minor to mild aches. This is getting ridiculous. I'm the Daphne of the group. Completely useless and always in trouble. As an added bonus, I get smacked around by the plant _and_ animal kingdoms. This has been a bad couple of days. Two days? It feels like a lifetime! What's next, getting the crap beaten out of me by a Mu while Zidane and Dagger have sex next to my prone body? Probably not. Dagger's too classy for that. Zidane on the other hand, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to get to second base with some anonymous gal at his own grandmother's funeral. I know he doesn't have a grandmother, but I'm just stating the obvious.

"Are you well, Rick?" Dagger asks when I stumble over to the others. By this time my allergies are in overdrive and I'm sniffling more than a cokehead, so of course I sneeze before I can answer her.

"You know, Dagger," Zidane says as he removes the last of the web from her feet and offers her a hand. She grabs it and the thief hauls her to her feet as Vivi and Steiner approach us. Somehow, the nastiness that was on Steiner's armour is gone despite the fact that I can still see the arachnid's carcass. Oh, and he still has the rust. I curse the rust like I'm Richard Pryor when he was still doing Hyne knows what. Hyne? Oops, wrong video game reference. Now I'm going to look like a complete and utter moron. Oh yeah, Zidane's still talking. "We should do something about your speech if you want to blend in."

"In what way?" she ponders. I don't know, how about not saying 'in what way?'

"Just ask yourself 'what would Vivi and Rick say?' before you speak," the tailed hero of the tale advises. Then he scratches his behind thoughtfully and amends his previous statement. "Scratch that, just go with Vivi."

What's wrong with how I speak? I happen to like my voice just fine, with it's Ben Stein-meets-Elton John stylization. I may not have people winning my money or a bunch of hit singles, but that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me. He's just jealous. That's it. He wishes he had my powers of enunciation. (A/N: I really do have a voice in the vein of Mr. Stein, but there's nothing Elton about it. In fact, a guy at my school used to make fun of me by calling me a robot. Don't ask what that has to do with the story. It has nothing to do with the story. Why don't we get back to the story?)

"Princess!" Steiner exclaims, clanking the rest of the way to our little gathering. He pushes Zidane out of the way and checks the young woman over for damage. Finding none, he rounds on Zidane and me. A large vein in his forehead is throbbing uncontrollably, and he looks even angrier than usual. The last time he was like this was when I gave my resignation. "Richard! Why didn't you protect the princess?"

I'm already fighting the urge to go off on Zidane about the whole butt scratching thing. Now I have to deal with this raving lunatic again. Isn't it enough that Elena beat me up? Now I have to explain why I was about to fall to my death instead of making sure Dagger didn't get dirty. Also, I somehow developed the urge to strangle Steiner. I wonder what could have brought that on.

"What's that?" Vivi interrupts just before I start on my usual tirade about my name. I'm acting like Prince with the whole symbol thing, except I'm sane.

"What's what?" I look around but see nothing. The black mage points to something in the distance. I wipe my eyes once more and try to see what he's pointing to. Just barely, I can see a light in the distance at the base of a mountain. Where Morrid lives. This is great. Maybe we can get some rest or something. Just no coffee. Nobody in this group needs caffeine. We're all insane enough without the chemical happiness. Plus, coffee just never tasted that good to me. I prefer a warm cup of tea with a hint of honey.

"You think anyone lives there?" Zidane asks as he slaps a hand on my back. I sneeze and nod in agreement. Someone lives there, all right. An old man who is to coffee what Shannon Doherty was to bitchiness. She could've changed by now. I guess.

After ignoring Steiner and coming to a mutual consensus, Zidane, Vivi, Dagger, and I head off to Morrid's. The knight clanks after us, shouting insults concerning my ancestors being little more than drunks, thieves, and prostitutes. Am I supposed to be offended by something that's probably true? We do originate from Scotland, after all.

I notice Zidane doesn't get a mention at all. This is so absolutely unfair. Why am I the sole target of Steiner's undeserved anger?

"So," I say over Steiner's eternal ranting. "Does anyone know what we're going to do when we get to that town?"

Zidane and Dagger look perplexed, obviously not having thought this through. Vivi's too busy laughing at what Steiner is yelling to have heard me. Steiner is too in love with his own voice to listen to me. I know what should happen, but that doesn't mean it's going to. Not even halfway through the first disk, and there have already been more things changed than Seth Green's hair colour did on _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_.

"Should we not stay at the local inn?" Dagger wonders. Surprisingly, Steiner is still going. He's moved on from my lineage to my future in a festering pit of flames and eternal torture. Apparently Gaia has a hell, too. I wonder if Steiner knows that I've heard all of this schlock before.

Again we're interrupted by a monster. Geez, what's with all of the broken conversation? It's almost as though someone has scripted all of this and just doesn't know how to move from one topic to another. Or maybe the game programmer in the sky set it up like this. How should I know?

"I want ore," the creature says. It's a Mu, but at the same time it's not. Mus are these crazy-eyed squirrel things with violet fur, but this one looks even more out of it and has brown fur. Plus, it can talk. Monsters aren't supposed to be able to talk. If I remember right, the only ones that can talk are the friendly monsters and those weird cat things by Dagguero that act like they're friendly monsters.

"Stay back, Dagger," Zidane warns as he draws out the weapon the girl named herself after. Dagger should stay back? Why shouldn't Rick stay back? Rick is the one that doesn't have a weapon, not Dagger. Stupid, horny teenagers with their horniness.

Meanwhile, the Mu begins bouncing on its feet and slapping the ground with its tail while repeating the same three words over and over.

"Zidane, wait," I order forcefully. Steiner stops yelling and everyone looks at me oddly. Gee, I wonder how often this will happen. "Do you have any ore?"

The bandit reaches puts both blades in his right hand and reaches into his pocket with his left. When it comes out, there's a dirty, black rock in it that looks like coal. At least some things haven't changed. I think. Coal is a type of ore back on Earth, right? Whatever. There are more important things to worry about.

"So now what do I do?" Zidane asks with a roll of his eyes. Cautiously, I grab the ore and chuck it at the Mu, hitting it right between the eyes. The creature doesn't care as it grabs the nugget and starts chomping on it. Something is actually eating coal. The game never showed that. Then again, the game didn't show a lot of things. What were the friendly monsters supposed to do with the ore, anyway. The other Final Fantasies from the PSX console (VII and VIII) would probably have been a lot easier, since you don't go planet hopping and the technology is much more similar to what I lived with. Also, the closest I would've come to a nutcase strong enough to destroy a planet would've been Sephiroth, who has to rely on Meteor to do that. They didn't have coal eating monsters or heroes with tails (with the exception of Red XIII, a.k.a. Nanaki) flirting with anything that has two legs and large breasts. Am I rambling again? Sorry.

"Thank you. Tell Mr. Ghost I said hi!" Then the Mu jumps into the air and vanishes in a puff of smoke. Weird. Aren't the friendly monsters supposed to run away? Again, I blame the game's inaccuracies.

"I want it!" Vivi shouts before running to the spot where the Mu had once stood. Lying on the ground is a bangle made out bronze with several intricate carvings, and it has two spherical slots on it. Well, since there isn't such a thing as AP here, they have to leave something else behind. Vivi might as well take it, since it won't do anyone any good. It does look nice, though.

"How bizarre," Dagger mutters quietly. "I have never heard of such a thing occurring. Monsters do indeed leave behind items when they die, but not in this manner."

Hey, Dagger knows stuff. Perhaps she will be of some use beyond healing. Now we just have to find something for me to do. Perhaps fashion consultant for the real heroes. Everyone needs to know that they have no taste, except for Freya. She makes the whole weathered and worn traveler look work somehow. Oh, and Beatrix. That woman definitely knows how to dress. The main thing to do, though, is find out if Gaia actually has anything worth wearing. For all I know, Beatrix makes her own outfits.

"This says something," Vivi chimes as he brings the bangle to Steiner. The knight looks down and takes the jewellery, holding it as though it were crystal.

"_To the one on his way home_," Steiner reads an inscription on the inside. He looks at Dagger with bright eyes and a huge grin. "Princess! It is a sign! You are to return to Alexandria!"

"Oh please," I say with a wave of my hand. This is getting out of hand. Steiner really only does have two things on his mind: getting Dagger back to Brahne and killing Zidane and me. I mean, isn't that basically what he does throughout the whole first disk? Scream, yell, attack, and insult Zidane while trying to trick Dagger into going back to the castle. "It says 'on _his_ way home.' Dagger is not a he. Dagger is a she. It can't be for her."

The knight looks angry as he comes to a bitter realization. I am right. Woo! Go, Rick! You got him. You got him. It's your birthday. It's your birthday. Okay, I'll stop now.

Zidane is oddly silent as he eyes the bangle. Either his thievery instincts are kicking in and he wants to steal it, or there's something else going on. My money is on something else. I really should have paid more attention to the small details when I played the game. This is going to bug me until either I remember or it comes up. Knowing me it'll be the latter. A coked-up Courtney Love has a better memory than me.

Actually, now that I think about it, that bangle could be mine. I'm trying to figure out how to get home, after all. "Um, I think that's mine."

"Why?" Zidane asks rather ferociously. Whoa, calm down buddy. You're not an environmentalist, and I'm not an SUV. There is absolutely no need for you to act like you want to set me on fire.

"Who gave the thing the ore? Me. I did. So who else should be able to claim it?"

"How about the one who owned the ore?" the thief responds. How do I explain that? Why does he even care? I never would have picked Zidane to be the type to appreciate the wonders of jewellery.

Three of the four look at me expectantly. Vivi has gotten bored and is now kicking rocks off the cliff. I swear, that kid has ADD or something. Dagger is just curious, Steiner is probably trying to decide which of the two of us he hates the least, and Zidane looks like he can't decide if he should continue with the debate or just give up. No man, tailed or not, can come between Rick and his love of shiny objects. It just feels right talking about myself in the third person. Maybe I should it from now on. Nah, it'd just make me appear even more insane than I already am, which is a hard thing to do. Can the wonderful Liza Minelli do anything to appear more larger-than-life? Exactly. I'm nuts, and Liza is absolutely fabulous. Come to think of it, I loved the show _Absolutely Fabulous_. You know, the one with the two British women and their pseudo-lesbianism antics. One was blonde and the other, if I remember correctly, was either a brunette or a redhead. Sometimes I just can't tell the difference. They probably just started out as shade variations of the same hair colour, but, eventually, enough time and inbreeding (What? It started in Europe…) occurred to make each one its own distinct hair colour.

I think I said somewhere along the line that I have a short attention span.

"Fine, Honey, if wearing a bangle is what you want," I concede when I realize I can't counter his claim, "then the thing is all yours. It would look much better on me though, since I have a fairer skin tone and thus it would have a greater contrast. But if you want to wear such a thing, go ahead."

He looks about ready to explode, but Zidane does take the bangle. When he tries to slip it on, though, it won't fit. The thief even tries to force it on. With a defeated sigh, the metal armlet is tossed to me. I remove the wrist and slip on the bangle. This looks much better than some piece of rope, if I must say. Yes, I absolutely must say it. It looks wonderful on me, reflecting the red light of the setting sun and all.

About five minutes later, the party arrives outside Morrid's. Dali is visible from here, but Dagger is insisting that she needs to "powder her nose." Three guesses on what that translates to.

Steiner knocks on the door to Morrid's living place as Dagger dances while wringing her hands. I've been there. Too bad she can't just use a rock, though.

"Yes?" Morrid asks as he opens the door. He looks incredibly old, with as many wrinkles as a walrus and a moustache to match. In one hand is a steaming mug of some brown liquid. I'm assuming it is coffee. He is the coffee guy, after all.

"May we use your facilities?" I ask while standing on my tiptoes and peering over Steiner's shoulder. The inside of the hut, cave, house, or whatever you want to call it is much more sparse than one would think. There's really only a bed, table with a couple chairs, and fireplace with a nice set of roaring flames. Well, the model airship is there as well, but it's nothing major. Suspended just over the fireplace is a kettle that I assume is where the coffee is made.

Morrid nods his approval and points to a small shack by an overturned cart. Dagger takes off running, rather hysterically, and the old man invites the rest of us into his tiny home. He pulls out a chair at the table and sits down, his bones cracking from arthritis. Steiner sits in the other chair while Zidane and Vivi take their places on the bed. That leaves me with the floor, so I pick a relatively clean spot near the fireplace and enjoy the warmth on my back.

"So what are you all doing out here this time of day? Not much goes on around here, except for the cargo ship, but that doesn't come until tomorrow."

"We're travelers," I interject when I see Steiner open his mouth. The last thing we need is for Rusty to go off about why we're really here. "We're just waiting until morning when South Gate opens back up, then we'll head to Lindblum on the tram." It is called a tram, right? Airlift, perhaps?

Morrid just nods and takes a sip of his coffee.

"Can I play with that?" Vivi asks while gazing longingly at the model airship.

"Tell you what," Morrid smiles and leans towards the black mage. Creepy. Possible pedophile, anyone? "I like coffee. The next time you come around, I want you to bring me some of the best coffee in the world. If you do that, you can have it."

"Really?" Okay, Vivi is so not being Vivi. He is absurdly normal. Maybe the game got it wrong. Or maybe I have to wait for Vivi's world to be crushed in the neighbouring town. Damn it!

"Sure," the old guy confirms. Luckily, nobody notices my disenchanted look. When it was just a game, I didn't really care. Now that I'm actually here, it's a whole other story. I knew it wasn't real, but now… Now I don't know. Maybe I should just stop, stay here with Morrid, help run the deliveries for Alexandria, and let everyone else do all of the work. Or I could tell them all the truth, that none of this is real, that some guys in Japan made it all up. This sucks. I'm far too invested in this, and it's only the second day. Curse me and my abnormally big heart. Why do I have to be such a kind and understanding person?

After that, we sit around waiting for Dagger to finish doing whatever it is girls do in the bathroom. There's an awkward silence in which Vivi continues to stare at the airship and the only sounds are the crackling fire and the slurping sound of Morrid drinking her coffee.

"What is in that village?" I ask to break the tension. There's the windmill and the rude mayor, that much I do know, but there actually has to be _some_ reason for Dali to exist in the middle of nowhere. Besaid Island had the whole silk thing and Wutai did tourism with its unique culture and the mountain shaped a person. Dali has to have something besides farms and that awful factory. I'm not going to be nice to that inn clerk, though. He is the one that turns Vivi in. Someone is going to get spit in their coffee, if not a sneeze muffin.

"There is a bar, a general store, and a rather reputable library," the old man informs us. A library? That's it? It's bound to have nothing on Dagguero. Might as well check it out, I guess. Maybe I can find something to read during all of those hours on ships, airships, and who knows what else I'll have to ride on this journey. Perhaps I'll even find out how I got here and how to get home. Then again, I am having a lot of fun here. Do I even want to go home?

"A bar?" Zidane perks up at the mention of a tavern. Methinks he thinks he will pick someone up there. Too bad for him the only woman in the village that isn't jailbait is, like, older than time itself. I've seen mountains that were probably molehills when she was born. "What kind of bar?"

"It's just a small, country pub. It doesn't open until nightfall, but they do sell medicine there during the day. Plus, they important pickles from all over the Mist continent."

Morrid knows a lot about Dali, which isn't surprising since he lives a mile or two away from the village. A mile or two? I so do not want to walk that. Anyway, what is a surprise is the fact that he hasn't mentioned the factory. He could not know about it. He probably grew up in Dali, moved out to whatever this place is, and has lived in a self-contained isolation ever since. It doesn't surprise me, really. The guy is so old that he has his groceries delivered by that one girl. What is her name? Slai? No girl that young should have to walk two miles. Hell, I shouldn't have to walk another two miles today! My legs hurt and my feet are sore.

Okay, I'm done with whatever rant I'm on.

There's a knock at the door. Hmm, when was the door closed? Steiner stands up, looking at Zidane and me threateningly, and opens the wooden portal. Dagger is the one on the other side, looking very sheepish. Poor little princess, having to pee in a public bathroom. Actually, it isn't even a public bathroom. It's an outhouse. Sorry we don't have a royal "throne" for you to sit on.

"You ready to go, Dagger?" Zidane says as soon as the girl steps into the small cut/cave/house. I wonder which is exciting him more, Dagger or the thought of hooking up in a bar. Either way, he has a lecherous glint in his eyes.

Dagger's eyes widen at the suddenness, she must have been expecting some kind of break from the traveling, and stutters out a response. "Um, o-o-k-kay."

We thank Morrid and promise to bring him some coffee the next time we're in the area. I doubt it'll happen, but who knows? One of us could always come back sometime. If I remember, Dagger can do it on her way back to Alexandria, and Zidane can do it when he's in Treno for the card tournament. I hope the card game here is Triple Triad this time around. Who knows, with Elena here that means it could happen. Besides, the FFIX card game just sucked. There were too many rules and I couldn't make heads or tails of the whole number system.

The sun has finally sunk beneath the Mist and there are two moons overhead. One is the typical pale moon, like the one back home. The other one is a deep crimson. It makes me think of blood. Something tells me that it's Terra, but for some reason I'm reminded of FFIV. There were two moons in that game, one normal and one red. Weren't there?

Rather uneventfully, we arrive in the small village. Almost everyone is tired and yawning. Vivi, though, is all excited. He's staring at this large windmill as though it were an ad for the Broadway revival of _Grease_. Yeah. The story of the transformation of sweet, innocent Sandra Dee into leather clad, skanky Sandy. Olivia Newton John never sounded better than she did when belting out how she needs a man. You better shape up, indeed. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Vivi is staring at a windmill. Not as amusing as a cheerleader turned slut, in my opinion, but if it makes him happy, then who am I to ridicule him?

"We should probably find somewhere to stay tonight, Honey," I sigh to Zidane as I use my sleeve to wipe some stray dirt off my forehead. A nice, hot bath. I really need one of those. Everyone here needs a bath. We're all tired and dirty. Screw it, I'm more tired than dirty. I'll just take care of it tomorrow. All I want right now is to sleep in a soft bed. The ground wasn't too pleasant a place to stay last night.

"There's an inn. We can stay there," the hero announces as he points to a small motel. Why didn't I notice it when I came in? If it were a prostitute it would've solicited me already. I probably would've said no. Unless it was Richard Gere. _American Gigolo_! Full frontal nudity! Woo!

Too exhausted to come up with a tawdry reply about sleeping arrangements, I join the rest of the group as they approach the inn. It's not terribly impressive. The outside is a dull off-white and there is only one window. It looked more impressive in the game, to be honest.

If the outside was unassuming, the interior more than makes up for that. The floorboards are made of a heavily polished cherry wood. The desk is of the same origin, even if it's not as glossy as what it's resting upon. In a corner is an antique woodstove that gives the place an old-fashioned feel. On top of the stove is a Siamese cat. There's a vase of fresh cut flowers sitting on the desk. There's only one bad thing that I can say about this place, and that is its owner.

Lying facedown on the desk is the ugly loser. It takes everything I have no to strangle him. Everyone looks at me abnormally, like I've grown a horn in the middle of my forehead or something. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised. I _am_ breathing heavily and clenching my hands into fists.

"He's looks just like this jerk I once knew," I explain through gritted teeth. My hands continue to clench and unclench as I stomp up to the desk and slam one down on the bell. Unfortunately, it doesn't have the dramatic effect I was hoping for. Rather than cutting an intimidating figure, I just up and down in pain. The stupid bell has this weird rounded spike thing that stabbed into me!

"Huh? What?" the clerk/owner/manager of the inn mutters as he looks up at the sounds of the bell and my incoherent, painful mutterings.

Zidane saves someone, either me from the owner's inquisition or that stupid louse from my anger, and speaks up. "We need a room. Do you have any?"

The owner looks at us in confusion, as though he has no clue what Zidane is talking about, then a greedy looks crosses his face when his eyes land on Vivi. Our little mage just happens to be standing next to Dagger, though.

"Look, I know she's cute, but she's with me," Zidane warns the owner as he points at himself with a thumb. Steiner looks about as mad as I am. That is definitely not a good thing for any involved. "Now do you have a room or not?"

His face quickly changes at the thief's unspoken threat and he looks over a ledger that was covered by his face less than five minutes ago.

"Yes, we have a room," the worthless blob of a human being confirms. The deadly Manicured Claws of Death are literally fighting me with everything they have. They just want to shred this guy like a Jewish mother does self-esteem. It wouldn't be very smart to just go off on him, though. We need the room and there isn't a reason for him to die. Yet. "It's 50 Gil."

Only 50 Gil? I would've expected it to be more. Maybe the prices of things were exaggerated in the game.

"Here you are," Zidane says as he drops a series of coins into the man's, if you can call the piece of trash a man, hand and ushers us into the nearest, and only, room.

Dagger looks apprehensive as we stare at the four beds, and Steiner appears to be only angrier. Vivi closes the door and plops down onto the nearest bed. The little guy must be really tired.

"I…" the royal one amongst us mutters almost inaudibly. She looks around the room nervously, then at the other three standing members of our party. Her eyes seem to linger on me the longest, though.

As if sensing what the problem is, Zidane begins to inform her of the facts of traveling. "Dagger, I know you're not used to this kind of thing, but these country inns only have one room."

"Silence! You and the deserter," Steiner interrupts with his finger predictably aimed at me, "should vacate the premises and sleep in the street like the refuse you are! Master Vivi may remain, and I will keep guard to make sure neither of you tries anything."

Zidane moves to say something, but I interrupt him rather viciously. My anger at the owner of this establishment hasn't subsided and needs a target to be focused on. Steiner just happens to be the one on my nerves at this moment in time.

"Would you just shut up for once?" I scream at him. I clench my fists so tightly that the MCoDs, as I'm going to call them from now on, dig into my palms. "You are not in charge here! You cannot boss me around because I don't work for you anymore! I am NOT leaving this room because of any issues you may have with me, Zidane, or your mother. If you're so ignorant as to think that I would try _anything_ on Dagger, then maybe you're perfect for leading the Knights of Pluto. Everybody knows that they're just a joke, and you're the punch line!

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have had a hard day. I'm going to get into bed, and if you so much as try to stop me I'll scratch so face so bad that even Michael Jackson will look human compared to you!"

Certain that nobody understands half of what I said or why I said it, I climb into bed and turn my back to them. Oddly enough, I feel better now that I've vented. Maybe I should do that more often. Of course, it may make me look like a complete and utter nutcase, but plenty of things are doing that nowadays.

Now all that's left is to figure out how to fit five people into four beds. Screw it. I'll let the others decide who'll pair up. I'm too tired to deal with their drama anyway.

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A/N: Wow, over 9,000 words. This is the longest chapter I've ever written. I hope it was worth the wait, even though it probably wasn't. This was written in July/August, so some of the jokes may be outdated. We didn't have the Internet at my house for awhile. That's why this took so long to get out.

As a plus, though, I have started a few new projects. There's a new FFVIII fic in the works were everyone works in an office. It's better than it sounds. I've also started a very long and very dark _Will & Grace_ oneshot that should be out in a few months. They'll probably take away some of the writing time from _Resurrection_ and TCBT, but hopefully they're good enough that you all will forgive me.

Anyway, the next chapter is one that I've been wanting to write since before I typed the first word of this fic. There will be drama, laughs, fashion, suspense, and the next cameo. Anyway, happy reading!


	7. Fashion Forward

Chapter 7: Fashion Forward

A/N: This is the chapter that begins to show Rick's side plot. Also, I mess around with things rather heavily. Let's just say that some of the more dramatic scenes later in the game will be a little different in this story.

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The thing I first notice when I wake up the next day is that I can't breathe. It's like my nose has clogged overnight. Accursed allergies! Next comes the long, dark hair in my mouth. Since I don't remember ever trying to eat someone's head, that answers who doubled up. Hmm, I slept with a woman. My parents will be so proud to hear it. Or not. They have more mood swings than I do. Anyway, the last thing is the snoring. Yes, someone is snoring. I sit up and look around, seeing Zidane in the bed furthest from mine. Quite honestly, I'm surprised he didn't wake me up. That boy needs to see somebody about that. It sounds like a motorcycle, and I'm not exaggerating.

After contemplating whether or not the thief sounds like a Harley, I climb out of bed and stretch. Really, I'm surprised Dagger slept with me. It would've made more sense for her to climb in with Vivi, what with his being a little kid and all. Then again, I guess I'm just as safe, even if I'm the demon spawn of an alcoholic prostitute. Steiner's words, not mine. Zidane definitely would have tried something, and Steiner would never think of climbing into the same bed as his "Princess!"

My little temper tantrum comes back into my memory and I cringe. I compared Steiner to the self-proclaimed King of Pop, and I'm not even a fan of pop music. There doesn't have to be some big dramatic statement for me to gather that things won't go smoothly with the knight today. How many times have I gone off on him? If I remember correctly, the last time I did it was when I quit. Yeah, definitely not a good day to be around Adelbert.

Sunbeams fall onto the carpet and a small bookcase lodged between my bed and another. Why didn't I notice it last night? I kneel in front of it and read some of the titles. Most of them are get rich quick schemes, but there are a few that look promising. One based around the idea that a small terrorist group fights a corrupt power company that is killing the planet, another is about a school that raises mercenaries but there is some kind of mysterious reason for the institutions actual existence, and the last of the interesting ones has a plot concerning a girl with green hair, amnesia, and the ability to use magic. Now, where have I seen these ideas before?

With a small grin, I look around to make sure no one can see me before I slip the novels into my puffy pants. So what if it's stealing? The jerk who runs this place deserves a lot more than three missing books.

"You really think you're going to get away with that?" I hear someone say. At that moment, I notice I don't hear Zidane snoring anymore. I turn my head and see the mighty Tailed One sitting up and watching me curiously. "It's too noticeable, your pants are too bulky with your shirt tucked in like that. Pull it out and nobody will be able to notice a thing."

Since when does Zidane give advice on stealing from small businesses?

I do as he suggests, and it really does work. Plus, I knotted my rope/belt extra tightly and they don't shift. The books, you perverts. My lungs don't work right, but it's only until I get out the front door so it's not terribly important.

"Thanks," I say, suddenly aware of just how bad my breath stinks. However, there is something I've been wondering about for quite some time. "Honey, this may sound stupid, but can I ask you a question?"

"Isn't that a question?" he retorts. I roll my eyes and he finally acts kind of serious. "Sure thing, Princess. What do you want to know?"

This is really embarrassing but I know that it'll definitely be an issue sometime soon. Actually, I'm surprised it's actually not one. "Um," I say with a yawn that indicates I'm still not fully awake. Zidane merely smiles and motions with his hand for me to hurry up. "I don't do a lot of traveling, so I don't know how to…"

"…ride a chocobo?" he offers when I don't complete my thought. I sheepishly shake my head and try to force my mouth to voice my concerns.

"Honey, I've never in a town this small. I'm used to bathtubs and I never saw one in this inn. How the heck am I supposed to bathe?" I mutter self-consciously. Well, at least it's out there now. Let's just hope that the bathtub isn't too scientifically advanced for this world.

Zidane laughs and has to grab his headboard to keep from falling onto the floor. It wasn't _that_ funny. At least, I hope it wasn't. This could be the type of thing that everybody except Rick knows.

"Stop it!" I cry after about ten seconds of non-stop laughter. This guy is supposed to be my friend? "It's not funny."

"Sorry, Princess," Zidane says as he tries, rather unsuccessfully I might add, to keep a straight face. At least he's not laughing anymore. "That's just something I would have expected Dagger to ask, not you. Do you really not know the habits of small villages like this one?"

I shake my head no, and his merriment is replaced by confusion.

"Honey, I told you I don't travel much. Why is this so hard to believe?"

"Forget it," the thief says with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Here, I'll show you how."

_He'll show me!_ I wasn't aware that Zidane is that, erm, "open" where his body is concerned. I don't even shower after gym class. Then again, I don't do anything in gym class, so I don't work up a sweat, and thus don't really need to, but… Well, you get the point. Wow! Zidane is either very comfortable with his body or he's flirting with me. Either way, my emotions about the matter are as clear as mud.

"Princess, are you coming?" Zidane shouts. I break out of my thoughts and see him standing by the door with a bucket. A bucket? What could we possibly need a bucket for?

Using the beds on either side of me as leverage, I push myself off the ground and into standing position. Zidane opens the door and looks at me expectantly, so I follow him out into the "lobby." The owner is facedown on the desk again. Oh, he makes me so mad. I'd just like to take that stupid ledger of his and shove it so far up his…

"What are you doing?" Zidane asks fearfully. For the second time that morning, in about two minutes, actually, I snap back to reality. This time, my MCoDs are about an inch away from ripping the sleeping man's head off. I definitely need anger management. It would probably be a good idea to never come back to this inn after today.

"There's just something about this guy that puts me off," I explain without going into unnecessary details. It be awkward to tell him that the guy in going to participate in Vivi's kidnapping when Vivi hasn't even been kidnapped yet. If the game is a reliable source, which it hasn't been so far, then he's safe until Zidane and Dagger run into each other in the shop. That's definitely one thing about this whole trip that I _will_ change. There's no way a sweet kid like Vivi should have to go through that.

"Right," Zidane says rather abruptly. He grabs my wrist and pulls me out into the full blown morning sunshine. I have to hold my free hand over my eyes at first because it's so bright. The brief reprieve from the thief's forcefulness is broken, though, as he drags me down the street, the bucket clanking against the side of his leg. It's almost like he's afraid I may actually harm the man. I might hurt him, but I wouldn't harm him. There's definitely a difference.

We stop by the well in the centre of town. Vivi is standing by the windmill and all of these stupid little kids are running around acting like stupid little kids. Frickin' brats watch Vivi get kidnapped and don't do anything about it. If they were a little older, they would so be saying hello to my dry wit and sarcasm.

"Are you going to pay attention or not?" Zidane asks as he shakes my arm. Darn it, I really need to do something about this ADD or whatever the heck I have.

"Yeah, go ahead, Honey," I sigh with a nod of my head. He then proceeds to tie a rope around the handle and lower the bucket into well while chatting to me about his days of ripping off rich people and whatnot. If I weren't so preoccupied with Vivi's fate, I might find it riveting.

He then pulls up a bucket full of water and effortlessly hands it to me. This thing is _heavy_. I almost drop it, but Zidane has already started walking away. The bottom of the bucket almost drags the ground, I'm bent over so low, but I follow him as best I can. Of course, the local children think the traveler lugging around a bucket, while hunched over like I'm Quasimoto, is funny. Why did a college enlist a hunchback as the mascot for their football team anyway?

Zidane goes into the store for a moment, I don't know why, but he comes out alone. Hopefully, he hasn't run into Dagger, yet. If he did, then Vivi would already be gone. Just in case, I spare a glance at the midget to make sure that he's still staring at the windmill like it's the _Mona Lisa_. He is.

"Are you okay, Princess?" the bandit inquires when he sees me bent over like an American who just drank Mexican tequila. "Do you want me to carry that?"

Gratefully, I hand the bucket over and he hands me a paper bag. I guess they aren't advanced enough for plastic bags. Gaia is so lucky it doesn't have to deal with CFCs and the like. The people back home should really take better care of our planet. We don't need nutcases with silver hair to destroy it (insert Donald Rumsfeld comment), we are doing it ourselves with SUVs and nuclear power. Now I'm getting off the soapbox. Susan Sarandon needs it back.

The bag has in it a bar of soap. Well, it does make sense since we're going to bathe. Did I actually just say "we"? This is wrong on so many levels. At least I didn't ask Steiner. Either he would kill me for asking or I would want to kill myself at the suggestion of him showing me how.

We re-enter the lobby, the clerk still asleep and me still fighting the urge to behead him, and Zidane hoists the bucket high into the air to keep it from bumping into anything. Show off. The cat is still lying on the stove. I don't know how. Don't they light the thing, thus making it hot and uncomfortable to lie on? Then again, maybe it reminds the feline of the pits of hell. My dad did always say that Siamese cats were the demonic spawn of Satan. I've seen little evidence to contradict that statement.

"Creepy," I mutter to no one as I walk by the feline, which has its blue eyes trained on me. Not even the opening of _Taboo_ was this scary.

"What?" Zidane asks as he slowly opens the door to our room. He looks at me with concern. If it weren't for the fact that I've been stealing, spacing out, and almost maiming unconscious people in the space of about fifteen minutes, I would probably be wondering what was wrong with him. Unfortunately, he's wondering what's wrong with me.

"I just don't like cats, Honey," I tell him as I try to avoid making eye contact with the tiny terror. Then it takes on a bored expression, don't ask me how, and begins licking its front paw. I repeat: creepy.

"Whatever. Let's just get this over with," he says with a sigh. Okay, I've narrowed down flirting. If he were doing that, then he wouldn't act like this is a chore of some kind.

I follow Zidane into the room and he orders me to shut the door. After doing so, I turn around and he's taking off his shirt. This is getting weird.

"Hey, Princess, hand me that soap," he says when he finally removes the article of clothing. Let me just say that Zidane is cut. _Really_ cut. The game definitely doesn't do him justice. However, before he notices what I'm noticing, I reach into the bag and toss him the bar of soap with slightly shaking hands. Have I mentioned this is weird?

The thief catches my clumsy throw and drops the soap into the bucket before regarding me thoughtfully. Thank Hyne or whatever god these people celebrate that I took Zidane's advice and untucked my shirt. Things would be a lot more awkward if I hadn't.

"Okay, while traveling you don't get bathtubs at the affordable places. Only the insanely rich can afford them. To make up for it, one has to learn to get by with as little as possible. Some people don't bathe at all until they reach their destination, but they're usually traveling alone. Not by choice, I might add," he explains with absolutely no enthusiasm, with the exception of that last joke. Yeah, he's definitely not flirting with me. If he were, he wouldn't make it sound like a lecture on the importance of the Pythagorean theorem in modern day life. So what if A squared plus B squared equals C squared? Barbara Walters had Star Jones kicked off _The View_!

"So I'm not rich. We already know that," I point out with no purpose other than to break the tension that I'm feeling throughout my body. Surprisingly, my voice is steady and calm.

"Right," Zidane states needlessly. Then he retrieves the wet soap and begins to build up a good lather on his hands. Is this going where I think it's going? "That's why you don't a bathtub. Anyway, since you can't sit or, most likely in your case, _lie_ down, you need to learn to do this stuff while standing up and almost completely dry."

What the whole lying down thing about? I may not be the most butch person in the world, but… Wow, I can't make a retort because he actually has a point. That, and he wiping his soapy hands on his face. I usually start off with my arms, but I guess it doesn't matter all that much.

"You want to start with your face, so that you have mostly clean water to rinse off with," he says after leaning over the bucket, dropping the soap back in it, and splashing some water on his face.

I watch the water trail down his throat, pooling a bit at the joint where the neck meets the shoulder before slowly making its way down his chiselled chest… Okay, Rick, keeps your eyes on his face. Keep. Your. Eyes. On. His. Face. Are we clear? Good.

"Are you okay?" Zidane asks curiously when he catches me staring at him.

Crap! What can I say? There has to be some reason I'm staring at him. What is it?

"I was just wondering why you took your shirt off when all you were going to do was clean your face," I fib. Hey, it makes sense, even if I don't care why he took his shirt off.

"Didn't want it to get wet, Princess," he answers as he pulls the aforementioned piece of clothing over his head. He claps me on the back and leaves. That was a very… interesting way to answer my question. He could have just told me to give myself a sponge bath. It wouldn't have been nearly as fun, but something tells me that's a good thing.

Five minutes later, I'm squeaky clean and have never been happier for cold water. The manager is still asleep when I leave, and I'm actually glad for that. Under my arm are the three novels I had earlier decided to steal from the jerk. There was no way I wasn't going to pay him back for what he did/will do to Vivi, but there's no sense in ruining perfectly good books. I will need something to do during the breaks between the big plot moments and battles with normal monsters and bosses.

Vivi is still by the windmill, and Dagger is walking in the direction of the store. Definitely time to screw around with this place. There is no way a little kid is getting kidnapped and shoved into a coffin on my watch.

"Hey, Gorgeous!" I greet when I finally reach the princess. "Can you wait for me in the store by the inn? I need to talk to you about something."

"Of course, Rick," she agrees. This is too easy. "Why do you need me to wait for you, though? Couldn't we just go there together? It is right there."

Her pointing at the store behind me is ignored as I cast another glance at Vivi. Then I shift my eyes back to the person that I actually am talking to. "I'll be right there. Just let me do something first."

"Alrighty," she says before walking away. I nearly get whiplash from doing a double take. Did she really say that? Out of all the things she could have said, she had to use that word. Zidane didn't even mention it when we talked to her about her speech. Today has been very weird, and it's only morning. What else am I going to have to look forward to?

I approach Vivi and place a hand on his shoulder, causing the little guy to jump. He turns around slowly and sees that it's just me. A look of relief crosses his face, if that's even possible since he doesn't have a face, and he lets out a sigh. That was odd, but it's not Zidane teaching me how to bathe odd. Maybe it has something to do with how the kids around here are treating him. They did treat him like crap in the game, making fun of him and whatnot. Brats.

"What are you doing, Cutie?" I ask as I kneel next to him and look up at the windmill. Something must be wrong with me, because I just can't see the appeal of the thing. A waterwheel, yes, but not a windmill.

"Just looking at that," he says happily as he points up to the windmill. While he chatters on about the blasted thing, I look out of the corner of my eye and see a redheaded guy about my age sticking his head out the door and watching me and Vivi intensely. Yeah, I remember the guy. He tries to pick up Dagger if you go to Dali when it's just her, Steiner, and Marcus. Of course, I don't know if any of that is going to happen, but that's not really important. What I do know is what's _not_ going to happen. Vivi will not get kidnapped.

"Hey, I'm meeting Dagger at the store. Why don't you come with me and hang out with us? It'll be a lot of fun," I promise. Hopefully, he won't see through my ill-conceived ruse. How would being in a store be fun for a little kid? It never was for me. Then again, my parents would always tell me not to touch anything or I'd get in trouble. All I wanted to do is see what Barbie's career was that week.

"Sure," he says unenthusiastically. I don't think he's fully grasped the concept of sarcasm, so I'm taking him at his word. Vivi never seemed like the lying type, anyway. That was always Zidane and Amarant. It caught me off-guard when Dagger drugged everyone at that banquet the first time I played it.

In the surprising, yet unsurprising, way that Vivi has, he takes my hand. There's no "awe" in my head, so I'm guessing the voices finally went away. Good thing too, since those same voices were starting to annoy me. Meh, it's not like it matters.

We stroll down the street, the redhead's eyes wider than Louis Anderson's waist line. The local children stare at us like Vivi's some kind of a sideshow at a circus and I'm the loud guy with the weird moustache yelling at people to step up and gawk at him. Not the most flattering feeling in the world. Vivi doesn't seem to notice it at all, though. I wish I still had that childlike obliviousness when it comes to going to high school. Teenagers can be such evil jerks. It almost makes me wonder why most of the protagonists of the Final Fantasy series are teenagers. The ones of the PS series, anyway. Zidane's a teen, Squall's a teen, Ramza was a teen at one point in Tactics, but Cloud was in his twenties with the exception of the whole Sephiroth flashback thing that they have in Kalm.

"Gorgeous?" I say as soon as I enter the store. The place isn't nearly as small as the game would have you think. One wall is covered with weapons, another is a line of bookcases that contains everything but books, and behind the counter is a door that probably leads into the living quarters of whoever runs this place. What really excites me, though, is the clothes. Hanging from crude, wooden racks are various kinds of clothing. There's fine silk, flannel shirts, and jeans. Jeans! I don't have to where these hideous, slightly puffy pants anymore!

Dagger is standing at the counter and talking to a girl who looks to be about twelve or thirteen. When she hears my voice, the princess turns around and is all smiles. People should not look that happy before noon, including news anchors. If those people hadn't drunk about twenty cups of coffee three minutes before the cameras began rolling, they'd look just as tired as the rest of the people that got up at six o'clock in the morning.

"Rick! Vivi!" she cries with absolute perkiness. I can be perky at times, but this is cheerleader-snorting-coke perky. Seriously, someone buy this woman a tranquilizer. "I didn't expect you here!"

Didn't I just tell her to meet me here? Oh, wait, she was talking about Vivi.

"Rick asked me to come," the midget blabs. Now they're going to think I have some kind of agenda. I do, but they don't need to know that. Wait. Can one actually call preventing kidnapping and traumatizing a nine-year-old an agenda?

"Can I see your arm band?" the girl behind the counter asks me curiously. I nod and let go of Vivi's hand as I walk up to her. She grabs my arm and pulls my sleeve back without a word. Laughing, I joke that I usually don't go that far without at least a name. The girl blushes as she lets go. "My name's Eve. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it. It's no big deal," I assure the embarrassed preteen. "What did you want to see my bracelet for? I'm not selling it, if that's why."

She gives a small laugh and shakes her head. "No, it's just that I have something for you."

As she reached for something under the counter, I look at Dagger with raised eyebrows. She shrugs in confusion. When did she pick that up? Vivi, meanwhile, has taken to touching everything in sight.

"Who would leave something for me?" I ask no one in particular. The only person I can think of would be Zidane. He went into the store to buy that soap. Maybe he picked up something for me while he was in there. If he did, then he's a lot sweeter than I would have thought.

Eve plops a leather satchel and a wooden box onto the counter. Tentatively, I reach out and feel that it's actually faux leather! Amazing as that is, though, there is something odd about these two items. Both of them have the same markings carved into them as my bangle. I pull the sleeve on my arm back and look at the band of metal myself.

I didn't pay attention before, but the design is that of a dragon curled around the indentations in the metal. The box and bag also show a dragon, though in slightly different aspects. The box has a dragon breathing fire, and the bag a dragon laying waste to a village. I reach out and run my fingers along the grooves in the wood of the box before looking back to Eve and repeating the question I had posed just moments before. "Who left these?"

"Some woman in a white dress left them for you. She didn't leave a name and I didn't ask."

This is definitely up there on the weird scale. Some anonymous woman leaving gifts for me. Have I even been here long enough to get a stalker? Probably not.

"What's in the box, Rick?" Dagger asks as she peers over my shoulder and at the items on the counter. A better question would be: what happened to her fancy way of speaking? It seems like she became normal overnight.

"How should I know?" I respond. My fingers play with the latch for a few seconds before flipping it up. The not the kind you would find on a toolbox, but the kind you would have on a jewellery box that requires its own separate box. Maybe that's what this is!

The hinges creak as I lift the lid to find three things I definitely didn't expect. The first is money. A lot of money. Even Dagger looks astonished by the amount, and she probably grew up riding to breakfast every morning on a pony made out of solid gold that could talk in addition to being able to fly. No, I'm not a bit jealous that I didn't grow up in the pampered life that royalty offers.

In addition to the insane amount of money that is so vast even Einstein couldn't comprehend its number, there are two marbles, one green and one yellow, and a folded up piece of paper. I set the books I stole from the inn on the counter and pick up the paper while keeping an eye on Eve.

The letter isn't very long, just wishing me luck on my journey, promises of better explanations in my future, and advice telling me to put the marbles in the slots on my bangle. Now I know what this is. The marbles have to be Materia, there's no other possible explanation. I just wonder what kind of Materia it is. Neither one is Summon Materia, since those are red, which means the green one is magic and the yellow one is definitely a Command Materia.

Carefully, I place the green Materia into one of the slots and, almost immediately, I feel my nose clear up and I can breathe again. Also, my eyes aren't watering like they did yesterday. They hadn't yet, but maybe I'll get lucky and they won't at all! This has to be Restore Materia. Either that, or Heal Materia. I'm hoping Restore, so that I'll actually be of some use on this trip.

Next is the yellow Materia, but the reaction I get from it is completely different. Flashes of different people flood my senses. There's a girl with a gun firing at a familiar looking blonde man as she bleeds from a nasty looking wound in her stomach. A giant man-lizard is standing one two feet and being smacked between the legs by another familiar looking character, this time a girl with brown hair and a long rod. Ouch. Last of all is some girl who seems the most like me. She's carrying around a sword and is stabbing a purple squirrel several times with it. I know some of those purple squirrels. You go girl! (A/N: The first is an amazing FFVIII SI fic known as "I Wanna Go Home" written by the immensely talented Triggerhappy777. The second is "I Wanna Go Home 2, Ya Hear?" by Lizardios in the FFVII section, and the third is "Flipped Up Reality" by FFIX's own unbelievably good writer, Tabansi232. I just wanted to give credit to the fics and writers that inspired me to write my own SI fic. They don't really have anything to do with the story, but this particular Materia does.)

That is off the charts weird. This day is not going to end well, I can tell. Nothing that starts out like this ends well.

"What does the note say, Rick?" Dagger asks as she grabs the slip of paper from my loose grip. Wouldn't you expect royalty to have better manners than that?

She looks over it and looks back to me with a raised eyebrow. It makes about as much sense to her as it does to me. The only thing I can figure is that it has to do with why I'm here. Why else would there be Materia in FFIX? Or Elena? Something is going on here, and I definitely have no idea what it could be. Do my parents miss me? Do they even know I'm gone? There are so many questions, and I don't have a single answer.

"Who knows? Now we need to talk about this outfit of yours," I say quickly in an attempt to change the topic. Dagger's eyes widen, but she doesn't say anything. Eve is listening to us, so I grab Dagger by the arm and pull her to the section of the store furthest from the girl running it, which just happens to be where the sharpest of weapons are. "It looks too royal, and everyone knows what you look like. Something tells me that these bumpkins will tell your mom where you are the first chance they get."

"Do you need anything?" Eve asks. I look over at her and smile.

"Yeah, we need to know how much this is," I lie as I point to the nearest weapon, a large sword made of iron. To be honest, the only person that would use it is Steiner, and I don't feel like being nice to him. Such an act of goodwill could get him off my back for awhile, though. Everyone knows I've been his target of choice ever since we left Ice Cavern.

"Two hundred Gil," she answers in surprise. Apparently, nobody has ever wanted the sword before. Either that or she's surprised I'm buying it. If it weren't for the fact that it's cover for our conversation. Dagger would probably have the exact same look on her face.

"Can we get some clothes, too?"

"Just pick them out and I'll ring them up," she answers. Ring them up? There isn't even a cash register here. The lingo must just be universal. I wonder if they know who El Barto is.

Dagger picks up the sword and sets it on the counter as I sling the satchel over my shoulder and put the wooden box containing my money in it. Some goes to pay for the sword, but you know what I mean. Then again, if my bangle had fit that ego-maniac Zidane, all of that cash would've been his.

I look the princess over and rub my chin thoughtfully. This is going to be tough. Everyone in Alexandria knows what she looks like. The hair could be changed, and a different style of dress selected, but that doesn't guarantee her free passage anywhere. I could just leave her be and let the game play out as it should. I probably should do that. Those pants are driving me crazy, though. Something needs to be done about those. It's been said many times before, but pants should not be puffy. Besides, I'm bored.

"Grunge."

"What?" Dagger asks in confusion as Eve hands me the change for the purchase of the sword.

This is perfect. No one would ever look for Dagger in an outfit that resembles the early nineties. Heck, nobody should ever try to look like their from the early nineties. That era of fashion was almost as bad as the eighties. The music wasn't much better.

"You should go grunge," I advise the summoner. "Be all Kurt Cobain-like. It's the perfect disguise."

"What is 'grunge'?" she asks rather fearfully. Yeah, any sane person would be afraid of that idea of putting on that kind travesty which is topped only by the introduction of hip huggers. The only people that wear them are the ones that shouldn't. Then again, that seems to be a constant for all fashion movements. "Who is Kurt Cobain?"

Ignoring both questions, I start browsing through the varied shirts hanging on the racks. Then inspiration finds me. Uglier than I ever would have thought possible, I decide that my new finds are _definitely_ what Dagger needs. Two things that should never be put together are plaid and polyester. Holding both shirts up to the confused young woman, I nod and set them aside for safe keeping.

Next come the pants. They should be really beat up, like they're about to fall apart. Zidane will be happy about that. Unfortunately, there aren't any. I guess I'll just have to buy a pair and make them crappy.

"Go try these on," I order as I shove the two shirts and a random pair of jeans into her arms. Her royal highness must not be used to this kind of treatment, because she stares at me with an open mouth before I point her in the direction of an imaginary dressing room.

"Excuse me," Eve contributes. Why was she listening to us? "But you can't try those on."

"Why not?" I ask as I look at the cashier with folded arms and a cocked eyebrow.

"It's against store policy. If you want them, then you have to pay up front."

Wonderful! A store ran in an autocratic fashion. This is so great. I so hope every store on Gaia runs like this. (Sarcasm, people.) Swallowing my pride, I hand Dagger my change from the sword and push her in Eve's direction. Now comes my turn to find something to wear. Since I'm not, technically, on the run, there's no need for me to look like white trash. Poor Dagger.

Thumbing through the men's section, which is only one rack while the women got four (sexism!), I find a shiny black shirt made out of satin. Most people would wonder why I'm even considering a satin shirt when I know I'm going to have to face off again monsters and absolute evil , but it just feels so good against my skin. There's no way I'm giving this up. It would take the combined military forces of every country in the UN to prevent my purchase of the blouse. That's right. I said blouse. What else would you call a shirt made out of satin?

To go with my treasure, I find a pair of white jeans that are about a size too small for me in the waist. In fact, it's the only pair of white jeans in the whole store. None popped up in the women's section when I was looking for Dagger devolution in fashion. All I saw was the customary black and denim trousers.

"I'll take these," I tell Eve as I put the two articles of clothing onto the counter. Steiner's sword is still lying there. Dagger is going to have to carry it. There's no way that I can.

"That'll be forty-seven Gil," she says after looking at me rather suspiciously.

The box comes out of the satchel and I count out the exact amount of money. Then I put it back in and grab the books off the counter, stuffing them into the carrying case at the same time. Weird thing is, it feels like there's nothing in it. I pat the sides and my hand doesn't encounter any corners that would indicate somewhere square-shaped.

Again, I get odd looks from the two women as I take the satchel off and peer inside. While the outside gives the impression of being flat, the inside shows that I did put the four items into it. As a test, I grab the shirt and begin stuffing it in, though I know it would never fit. Somehow, it does, and with room to spare. Next I attempt the pants and they also manage to fit. This is weird.

"Rick?" Dagger says tentatively as she places a hand on my shoulder. It's not a surprise that she's being so cautious, because I'm freaking out. Handbags do not hold that much stuff. My eyes focus on the princess, then the sword, then move back to Dagger. If I'm right, then a law or two of physics will be disproved. If I'm wrong… Goodbye my lovely new clothes and this wonderful satchel. I had you all of twenty minutes, before losing my mind.

"Do me a favour," I request as I kneel and hold the bag about a foot above the ground. This is a bad idea, but I have to find out. "Try to put the sword in here."

Eve chuckles nervously as she leans over the counter to look at me while Dagger picks up the blade. The princess stands over me awkwardly, both hands on the hilt of the sword. Slowly, it's lowered down. As it inches into the bag, my heart pounds harder and harder. The weapon is swallowed up to Dagger's hands without a sign of damage. She lets go and it disappears completely. The floor never receives the pointed end of the sword. Looks like I was right.

I glance back into the satchel and see the sword resting on its side next to the rest of my stuff. Then, with no effort whatsoever, I lift the bag up and sling it around my shoulder. Nobody says a word.

"Who died?" Zidane laughs when he walks into the silent store. Don't ask me why he opened with that. The three of us probably look more shocked than depressed. Wait. The _three_ of us? What happened to Vivi?

"Did you see Vivi?" I stride over to Zidane, grab him by the shoulders, and shake him roughly. "Have you seen him?"

Zidane looks worried, probably about my mental state. Can't exactly say that I blame him. I've been all over the place today. Not even Mel Gibson has been as out of it as I have. Then again, I've never gotten drunk, drove on a major highway while inebriated, and made racial slurs while hitting on a police officer. Perhaps we're at the same level. Whatever. I'll leave it up to Nancy O'Dell to figure that one out.

"He was just out by the windmill. The kid seems fascinated by it. He's almost as weird as you. At least he's not a priss," the thief answers with a taunt.

Not taking the bait, I push Zidane out of the way and run through the door in a panic. This can't be happening. Vivi can't be kidnapped. Other things have changed, so why couldn't this? Why does a little kid have to wonder about his existence, future, and purpose? I barely do that, and I'm almost twice his age.

My feet take me past the local children, fly me over the path that is the town's dirt road. Buildings go by in a blur. Somehow I trip when I reach the well where Zidane and I had retrieved the water for my crash course in bathing on the road. I hit the road hard and a sharp stinging sensation travels from my knees to my brain. Fighting the tears in my eyes and the growing stitch in my side, I stand up and limp toward the windmill while choking on all of the dust I stirred when I slammed into the ground. Somewhere behind me I can hear Zidane and Dagger calling my name.

"Princess!" Zidane cried when he reaches me. He grabs my arm and tries to stop me, but inertia causes us to crash to the ground. His tail slams into my face rather hard and snaps my head back.

"Are you guys okay?" Dagger asks when she reaches us. Through the tears and dust I can see the concern etched on her face. I cough in reply and have to hold the hand on my free arm up to my face to try to filter out some of the fine dirt particles that found solace in my lungs. Zidane groans and lets me go while I turn my face down to the ground and squeeze my eyes shut.

I'm not sure which hurts more, my body or my heart. Things are too complicated. I'm caring too much about these guys. I hardly know them.

After the dust settles, I wipe my eyes with the backs of my filthy hands and look up at my companions. My friends. Dagger looks freaked out and Zidane appears to be confused as to which one of us to console.

Stupid! I told myself that I'd keep an eye on Vivi, make sure nothing happens to him. Instead, I lose myself in petty, unimportant things like clothes and some stupid accessories that a stranger left for me. Dagger's appearance was more of a concern to me than a little kid's well-being. What's wrong with me?

"Princess?" Zidane asks as he kneels next to me. I look from him to Dagger. She has her rod out, face scrunched up in concentration. A healing spell must be on its way. "What was that all about?"

I open my mouth to answer, but a glowing light interrupts me. Then the stinging sensation in my knees disappears. Thanks, Dagger.

"Rick?" the young woman inquires as I try to form a coherent explanation of my rather insane actions. "What was that?"

"What was what?" I gasp in a surprisingly broken voice. The last time I sounded like this was when I was at the hospital while my grandmother was on her deathbed.

This isn't right. I've only known these people for three days. They don't even know my last name. We shouldn't be as close as we are, or as close as I think we are. Besides, they aren't even real people, they're videogame characters created by some scientists and other people in Japan. If that's true, though, then what am I? I'm right here with them.

"You're healed," she answers in a voice almost as unsteady of mine. "How did you do that?"

"I didn't do anything," I counter, still sounding like I'm on the verge of tears. "I can't use magic of any kind. That's your thing. Yours and Vivi's."

Crap! Vivi! I completely forgot about the mage. Where is he?

A quick scan of the area around the windmill shows absolutely no sign of life. I'm too late. They got him. The freaks who run this town succeeded in kidnapping a child. He's probably already in that awful coffin thing. I can't do anything. My gym teacher is right. Nothing important will ever come about as a reaction to me.

"Princess," Zidane says softly as he gently takes a hold of my chin with his thumb and index finger. Our eyes meet and I can see the fear in his. "What is going on with you?"

Nothing I say can answer that question. Suddenly, I wonder if I should tell them the truth. If I should inform them of the fact that they're little more than bits and pieces of information crammed into four CDs, the first of which is sitting in old videogame console while my parents back home…

What about my parents? They've probably called the cops and reported me missing by now. Unless time runs differently here than it does there. They might not even know I'm gone. My mom could still be waiting for me to come downstairs.

As I continue to stare into Zidane's eyes, I can feel Dagger's burning a whole into me. She said she didn't heal me, but I don't feel a thing. That can only mean one thing. I have Restore Materia equipped. Nothing else makes sense. One question out of who knows how many are still left unanswered, and they're not all mine.

"Rick?"

"Princess?"

This is going to be a long, weird, and just plain bad day…

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A/N: No cameo, I know, but I kept the rest of my promises! This chapter may have ended on a very melodramatic level, but it had quite a bit of humour, too. Remember the bathing scene? Thought so.

Next chapter is going to finish up Dali, and just may have the airship in it, too. Until next time!


	8. Turks, Kidnappings, and Pickles?

Chapter 8: Turks, Kidnappings, and… Pickles?

A/N: As proud of the ending of "Fashion" as I am, I really want to bring this back around to the humorous side of the fic. The title kind of gives away the next cameo, but I'm too stretched out to care. Plus, I have a job now! (Which is one of the reasons why it took so long to get this chapter out.)

(Some advice: don't have three major writing projects going at the same time. They'll all suffer.)

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"Rick?"

"Princess?"

Normally, I would worry about how cute my expression was while answering, but this is a very tense situation. My freakish behaviour, while not entirely unusual, is far beyond anything I've expressed so far. I think the most bizarre thing I've done so far was either freaking out at Mu-eating or calling Elena a fake blonde. Really, there were so many other things I could have told her. That skin was so pasty, and her front teeth had this huge gap between them that made me want to call her Pippy Longstockings. Not that I would have expected her to know the red-headed heroine of many an 1840's child's imagination.

"Have you ever had a really bad feeling?" I ask as I attempt to wipe dirt from my right eye. Of course, I fail, managing only to make the orb sting more. How red it is must be yet another thing to cause my friends to worry. "A feeling so bad that you just had to know something was up?"

Dagger shakes her head, but Zidane clears his throat and turns away, lowering his hand in the process. I'd almost forgotten it was there.

The next thing we hear is someone sobbing. It's not me this time. That leaves only one person.

"Vivi?" Dagger shouts as she looks at me and runs off in the direction of the sound. Zidane stands up and follows after her, leaving me alone to sit in the middle of the street.

I watch as the others kneel by the empty chocobo pen and look at each other in concern as they whisper into a pipe or something else in the ground. The occasional glance in my direction lets me know that I'm still on their minds. Poor Vivi. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to prevent this.

"Rick?"

A hand is gently placed on my shoulder. I know that hand. It's Dagger. The princess has come to tell me that we're going off to rescue Vivi. For some reason, I really don't think I'm up for it.

"What? Are you having me committed?" I mutter sullenly. "Because you wouldn't be the first to have the urge. There's a whole group of jocks and family members that would fight you over the rights to see me off. But it's Ohio, everyone belongs in a nuthouse. What're you going to do?"

"I don't understand," Dagger says in an unsure voice. Her hand gives me a slight squeeze before she retracts it. "We heard Vivi's voice over there. He's been abducted. Zidane and I are going to try to find him."

How right was I? Now if I could just guess what my art teacher wants me to do, I could finally pass that class. Being able to effectively mix fabrics doesn't guarantee the ability to mix paints. At least I know combining silver and copper paint makes a shiny, glossy violet colour. I wanted to paint my room that colour, but my mom told me that metallic paint is too expensive to use so extravagantly.

"Let me guess: you want me to come."

"No," Dagger answers nervously. "Zidane was thinking that… we're going to get him ourselves. You should just get us ready to go. Pick up some potions or something. We won't be able to rely on _my_ magic forever."

Wonderful. Now they don't even want my help in rescuing Vivi. What's next? Am I going to get ditched when we get to Lindblum, or are they going to steal the airship without me? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I guess. Until then, I have to figure out what this whole weird thing is with the bag and all. A woman wearing a white dress leaves me a box full of money and Materia, and that weird squirrel thing left me the fancy bracelet when it vanished. What could that mean, and why was Dagger so, erm, forceful just now when she talked about her magic. It's not like I'm even using magic. It's Materia that I don't really know how to use.

"Fine."

Quietly, they leave. Zidane and Dagger go directly into that weird little stable thing with the hatch that leads to the underground factory. I wonder what led them to choose to go there. Is there some weird kind of magic going on, or just a coincidence? Now I'm starting to understand what Laguna meant when he was spouting off that BS about faeries. There has to be something else going on here, something bigger than my being here.

I push aside all thoughts of the universe in favour of things that actually matter: Shopping! I know it's shallow, but being shallow is what I need right now. Besides, Dagger was right. We do need potions, remedies, and all kinds of other stuff.

The dust has settled by the time I stand up. I doubt that Zidane and Dagger would have checked, so maybe I'll fetch that Zodiac coin thing from the windmill first. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

There's an odd quiet in the mill. The only sound is the creaking of the door as I open it. Hay is all over the floor, with something brown mixed in it. My guess is poo, since a chocobo lives in the thing. So gross. Why aren't the locals cleaning this out?

On my left is the open hatch leading down to the cellar/basement thing. Zidane and Dagger are down there, so I'm not too worried. Vivi will be fine. Well, guess I'd better do what I came here to do.

My feet carefully pick through the straw on the floor as I search for a place to step that wouldn't end up with me ruining my boots even more than I already have. I don't know why I'm so concerned, really. I'm just going to buy some new ones when I get to Lindblum anyway. There wasn't much of a selection back in Eve's store. If I hadn't freaked out about Vivi, though, I probably would have found a good deal. The shirt I have is definitely awesome. Why no one picked it up is a surprise. Either these people really are poor, or they have no taste. They definitely lack tact and humanity, if the fact that there's no one to watch the local children and their inhumane treatment of Vivi is any indication.

Yeah, definitely have to get that coin and get out of here.

When I reach the area where the coin is supposed to be, I don't see a thing. At least, nothing metal. There is still hay all over the floor, but no poop. Yay! I push the yellow strands out of my way and scan the dirt floor. All I see is a red stone half buried in the ground. The MCoDs aren't too happy about being forced to dig, but something tells me that I may regret not doing it. Besides, the rock is all pretty and stuff. Hey, maybe it's a ruby! Or, if Gaia has an annoying sense of irony, a garnet.

It's about the size of a tangelo, those weird mini-oranges, and warm to the touch. There's a pulsing in my arm, the one with the bangle. Quickly, I turn it and see the yellow Materia is glowing in correspondence with the throbbing of my arm. I drop the red stone and it stops. This is weird.

Following this weird urge I have, I pick the stone up and put in my satchel. It's really quite amazing that I didn't leave the bag behind in the store.

The sky is normal when I leave the mill. If this were a movie or some cheesy novel, there would be rain. One of those weird "the weather matching the emotions of the protagonist" deals. As if that could happen. Waking up in a video game is so different from controlling the weather. Then again, I probably could control the weather with the right Materia. Send a little water and lightning into the air to create a thunderstorm, or a blast of ice into a cloud to make a snowfall.

"Where's the bar?" I mutter to no one. Gee, I thought that wouldn't be something I'd ask myself until I was forty-seven and going out with the guys from work in celebration of closing the biggest deal of the year. Either that or my brother's wedding. Some events just need alcohol to make it fun. That's one thing that Paris Hilton knows.

Of course, there's no answer, so I'm forced to look for it myself. It was right beside the mill in the game, but the town is not in the same set up in real life. There are stretches of field and more houses. Mostly field.

I leisurely stroll down the street, smiling and waving to the children as they play games and jump rope. Look, there's Johnny Anderson and his big brother Jim throwing a football. Yeah, right. The children are throwing rocks at the biggest house in the village (please let it belong to the mayor) and the older ones, who are about my age, are drinking something from a bottle wrapped in fur. They also look a little woozy. That's another thing that Paris Hilton knows.

"Where did you get that?" I ask one of the drunken girls. Yeah, it's girls.

"Why do you want to know? You going to tell my ma?" she slurs, the pink bonnet on her head looking ready to topple from her scalp at any minute.

"Nah, I'm just looking for the bar is all," I answer. "I doubt there's much else to do here."

"Ain't that the truth!" another one of the girls adds with a hiccup. She points at a building just down the street and grabs the bottle from her friend. She takes a swig and then proceeds to inform me that said building is the local tavern. "It's closed during the day, though. I had to get my friend who works there to sell me this under the table."

"Shut up!" the first tells her friend as they proceed to fight over the bottle. They're sloppily pulling hair and pushing each other into the dirt like they were horse playing football players. Of course, the football players I know don't pull one another's hair, but you know what I mean.

After shaking my head over the fact that the sight of the two teenagers is wasted on me, I attempt to thank them for the information. It doesn't work so I head on down to buy some potions, remedies, and antidotes. Eye drops and that holy water stuff just never did anything for me. You get poisoned more often than anything else, so why prepare for anything else? I know it's risky, but you can just call me a daredevil.

When I reach the bar, the first thing I notice is the bad lighting. There aren't any windows. However, there are a lot of bottles of booze behind the counter. And to think, a young kid like Slai works here all by herself.

"We're not open!" a young voice calls out. I can't see anyone, so I assume that whomever it belongs to is under the bar. Sure enough, a young girl's head pops into view. Her eyes widen she catches sight of me, and she all but screams. "What are you doing in here? You're not supposed to be here!"

Does she know me? I am, was, a Knight of Pluto. It isn't that farfetched that people in this world know who I am. Dagger and Steiner both knew me before I woke up.

"Huh?" is all I can say.

"I'm not supposed to serve anyone during the day, especially not someone underage. Get out! Out!" the girl fearfully cries. "If my father finds out that I've been selling alcohol to…"

"Whoa! I'm not here for that," I assure her as best I can. "Do you sell medicine here? They didn't have any at that shop. Eve's, I think."

"Oh, yes, we do!"

She sounds really relieved. Something was scaring her, and more so than the average angry father. Could he be abusive? The man didn't seem like that in the game, after Dagger took the throne and closed down that awful factory. Well, at least she did one thing right. Her whole hair-cutting thing after the destruction of Alexandria was very reminiscent of Akane's haircut from _Ranma ½._ It looked a lot better on Akane, anyway.

"What would you like?"

"What?"

"What kind of medicines would you like?" Slai clarifies in that kind of impatient voice kids get when they think they're talking to an idiot. I know that voice very well. My father knows it even more so.

"Um, I'll take twenty potions, fifteen remedies, twelve antidotes, eighteen phoenix downs, and three eye drops." What? My allergies could come back at any moment. It's just a precaution.

"That's a big order," the girl replies nonchalantly as she begins setting random glass bottles of varying shapes and sizes on the counter. Remedies are, surprisingly, the smallest, with a shape similar to that of the bottle from _I Dream of Jeanie_. The one Barbara Eden lived in when she was upset with Major Healy. If were to ever do drag, it would so be in that pink and red number that she always wore. Then again, drag really isn't my thing.

"Well, when you're traveling with idiots as big as the ones I do, you need big orders," I confess to Slai as I begin to separate the liquids. Every single one is a different colour or shade, the only similarities being the design of the bottles. Potions are pretty much the same as they were the first time I came into contact with them, but the antidotes are like those little metal flasks alcoholics always carry in movie, except for the fact that they too are made of clear glass. Eye drops… well, they're eye drops. Think Visine. Or Clear Eyes. Oh, Ben Stein, why do you haunt me so? Last of all, phoenix downs look like potions, with two major exceptions. The first is that they're all the same colour, this weird light green, like mint ice cream. The second is the size. Think of a prescription bottle, and you have the height down. I'm just glad that they're made of glass instead of that amber-coloured plastic.

As Slai goes through the arduous task of filling my order, I glance at the only place the locals can get absolutely hammered. It's very dusty, has only one table with one chair, and there are half packed, or unpacked, boxes everywhere filled with everything from clothing to, you guessed it, even more booze. Fred Sanford would love it here.

"Are you allowed to sell food during the day, or is that off-limits, too?" I ask as I look over the menu. Actually, I'm famished. There was no way I was going to risk eating the complimentary breakfast provided by the inn. Come to think of it, I am really hungry. The last thing I hate was dirt, and that was compliments of the Plant Brain back in Evil Forest. How could I have gone so long without food? Maybe my being in this world has altered my genes and now I don't have to eat as often, or the I simply forgot about food with the excitement of being on Gaia. Whatever the explanation, I'm still hungry now.

"No, we do sell food, just no drinks."

There's the continued clink of glass on wood as I continue to read the menu. In some sick sense or irony that would give my perverted brother years of ammunition for bad jokes and offhanded remarks, I come to realize that this bar serves only one type of food: pickles. Not just any pickles, but Lindblum pickles. The old lady in Lindblum always makes them seem so good, and Steiner even complimented their taste. Though, one could ask what Steiner knows about taste. The man is a walking fashion disaster.

"Could I have a couple jars of Lindblum pickles?" I ask as I open my satchel and fish around for the box with all of my money. Slai rolls her eyes and begins digging in another part of the hidden area behind the bar as my fingers finally wrap around the cool wood.

"Two hundred Gil," she says as she slams two large glass containers of pickles on the counter, right beside my earlier order, which I have yet to pay for.

"Two hundred Gil?" I shriek as I look at the menu again. There is no way that some pickles are that expensive. "I'm not paying that for two lousy jars of pickles. Quit trying to rip me off!"

Again, Slai rolls her eyes. "That's for the whole order, moron. It's only twenty-seven Gil for your precious pickles."

Oh. Now I feel about as stupid as the one guy in the office who missed the previous night's episode of _Ugly Betty_. Of course, that was for the whole order. If the price of clothing were so cheap over at Eve's, of course things would be just as cheap here. As cheap as a butt load of medicine and pickles can be, that is. I really wish that there were something else to eat in this place. Lindblum had better have cheese, or I'm going to go insane. A man needs his dairy, unless you're a vegan, but that's something else entirely.

I open the box and count out the bills before handing the money over. "You can keep the change."

"A thirty-seven Gil tip?" she gushes rather excitedly. "Thank you!"

"No problem," I tell her as I begin sweeping the jars and bottles into my man-purse. That's right, man-purse. A real man carries a purse. Anyway, there's no sound once they pass through the pleather barrier. When I meet this "woman in white," I am so going to have to ask her how she did that. First, it looks like there's nothing in there when there definitely is stuff in it, and then you can't even here it. Can the crap I put in this thing break while it's in there?

"Goodbye, Sir," Slai announces in a not-so-subtle attempt to get me to leave. People in this village definitely aren't friendly, unless they're drunk. Those girls who gave me directions to the bar weren't so bad.

"See ya around!" I say with fake cheerfulness as I walk out the door, away from the dark and dust and into the sunlight. In all actuality, I'm far from being hopeful. Vivi is still gone, my companions think I'm worthless, and I _still_ don't know what the whole point of _.hack//sign_ was. At least I found out what (or should I say who) the Philosopher's Stone is. Thank goodness for Cartoon Network.

"Richard?" I hear a horribly familiar voice shout. Please don't be who I think it is. Next comes the clinking of metal, and I now know true fear. Oh, I so hope I still have that bribe on me.

"It's Rick!" I retort in my usual snotty way. Some people just bring out the bad in me, I guess.

"Richard!" Steiner gasps. He's completely out of breath, almost as though the rusty moron has been running around all day, which I don't really think he has. The guy is just too, shall we say, "rotund" to be able to run around for any length of time. Also, his voice is very ragged, like he's been screaming insults at an old man who works at a mountain changing flags to let an airship know whether or not it's safe to land. That I would believe. Now if only I could keep from believe that nasty rumour my mother told me about Oprah giving Gayle a show that flopped. Oprah can never do anything wrong. Rick loves Oprah. Yes he does. Yes he does.

Is my obsession with America's best talk show host obvious?

"Richard! Listen to me!" the king of rust commands angrily, as is his forte. "There is trouble! Your assistance is required!"

"What is it?" I ask sarcastically. To Steiner, trouble could be nothing more than applying the wrong shade of eye shadow. Not that I would know anything about that. What happens at Homecoming afterparties stay at Homecoming afterparties. "Did you find out that the armour at Dragoo's is a total rip-off?"

"What? We don't have time for your smarminess! The princess is being kidnapped!"

What? Dagger's being kidnapped already? It doesn't seem like it's been that long since I broke away from the others. This is a bad day. Last time there was a Black Waltz fight, Elena kicked my behind pretty good. What am I to expect this time? Kadaj, Vormav, or maybe even Kefka? This is so not good. They're so desperate to win that they need me. I've never been good at fighting. All I could do back in Ice Cavern was distract Elena while Zidane went into his Trance. That probably won't work this time.

"Where?" I scream. This is bad. I'm not going to be of any use. Still, I can't just do nothing, and I need to make sure Vivi is okay. I need to apologize to him for not doing anything to prevent it. If I run into that manager guy from the inn on my way to the fight, I am so going to bitchslap him. He just makes me so mad.

"Follow me!" Steiner shouts back. This must look really odd to those drunken girls, since Rusty and I are only three feet apart and screaming in each other's faces.

He starts clanking away, since you can't really run in full armour. I have to basically jog along with him, since I could get lost if I go too far ahead. There wouldn't be an issue if he'd just tell me where it was.

A scream rings out. It sounds like Dagger, so I pick up the pace and follow the noise instead of the nuisance. Heh, Rick made a funny.

"Oh my…" I whisper when I finally get there. The airship landed, probably when I was in the bar, but that's not what worries me. What has my concern is whom I'm supposed to fight.

Zidane is lying on the ground, holding his side, and Vivi looks like he's out cold. The attacker has Dagger by the hair, turning it painfully in his hand. Yes, _his_ hand. This time, the assassin is a man: a very familiar looking man. He's wearing the same outfit as Elena, sans necktie, except it's all wrinkled and untucked. Red bangs are in need of a trim, and he has a long ponytail that reaches down to the middle of his back. It's almost a mullet. If it weren't for that, the guy would probably be hot. As is, the hair ruins the whole lazy chic thing he has going on.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it seems Reno is here, and I'm not talking about the TV show. Although it is a funny program. How does Comedy Central come up with such funny stuff? Still, I can't say I'm too surprised. Another Turk does make sense. As much sense as Turks being in FFIX makes, I guess. My head is so going to hurt later.

"What have we here? It seems Rusty has come back with a friend in tow. It doesn't matter, I'll still win," Reno chuckles confidently. Ha! He calls Steiner "Rusty," too. Maybe now the moron will catch a clue. Rust isn't pretty, and especially not on Steiner.

"Unhand the princess, you fiend!" shouts the outraged knight. Steiner raises his sword and runs at the redhead. In response, Reno pushes Dagger to the ground, pulls out a club, kind of like what police used on college students back in the 60's, and jumps into the air. He does this weird little flip thing, pushes off Steiner's head with his free hand, and lands on the ground completely unharmed. Okay, I know this guy is here to get Dagger and that he's been hurting my friends, but how cool was that?

As I'm sure some law of physics states, the force of Reno pushing off of Steiner while the rust bucket was moving causes the knight to crash to the ground. When Steiner gets up, he looks at his sword, which appears to have snapped in half. How could that have happened? Now is probably the best time to give him that sword that I bought.

"Hey, Rusty. Catch!" I shout as I reach into the bag and instantly feel the handle of the blade, and _only_ the handle. That's a little odd, but I can't worry about it now. The almost cool Reno is attacking. Remember? Anyway, I pull the sword out effortlessly, but once every inch of the metal is free from my satchel it falls to the ground like a lead weight. I attempt to pick it up, but fail miserably. This is so embarrassing.

"You ran away to get _this_?" Reno laughs as he bends over and holds his stomach. Did I mention I was embarrassed? How did Dagger pick it up without any trouble? Aren't I supposed to be a knight? What good is a knight if he, or she, can't even pick up sword? About as good as Paul Reiser's acting career after _Mad About You_ ended.

"Hey!" I cry defensively. Looking over at Zidane, I see that he has a big grin on his face and the only thing keeping him from laughing is the pain in his side. Jerk. "That's not very nice. I may not be able to pick up a sword, but at least I don't look like an extra from _Joe Dirt_, only in a suit badly in need of an ironing."

"Kid, I don't know what you just said, but I think I've been insulted. You must be the one who beat Elena. She told me all about the hair pulling. I doubt that'll work here, if you know what I mean," he brags as he flips his ponytail over his shoulder so that it's on his chest instead of his back.

So… Elena survived after all. I spare a glance at Zidane and catch a crushed look on his face. His ego must be crushed. Good. Something tells me that he can get annoying when he thinks he's the best thing around. After all, everyone knows that's me. Just kidding. I'm only the best dressed.

"Richard! Do something!" Steiner shouts at me rather angrily. "I did not bring you here to be worthless!"

Worthless? I am not worthless. Charlie Sheen's TV show _Two and a Half Men_ is worthless. Really, what is so funny? It's no _Laverne and Shirley_, that's for sure.

"Screw you, Rusty! I went through the trouble of buying you this sword, and all you can do is call me worthless," I scream back as I point at the sharp weapon lying on the ground. "If that's how you feel, then maybe I shouldn't try to be nice to you anymore."

"I do not need you to be nice to me. Adelbert Steiner is man, not some needy child. Your insubordination is nothing short of treason. I hope you are executed when we return to Alexandria."

Treason again? Does this guy have nothing new to go on about? Now I hope he gets crushed when he learns the truth about his precious Queen.

"You know what, I may be childish, but at least I'm not a whiny mama's boy. Go run home to your mommy, baby, because I know you don't have a girlfriend or wife with a face like that. Believe me, that definitely is a face that only a mother could love, and I would be surprised if she does. Then again, she could be just as ugly as you," I retort. Taking a shot at a guy's mother is low, I know that. However, we're talking about Steiner. He threatens my life on a regular basis _and_ referred to my mother as a prostitute the other day. All is fair in love and war, and there will definitely be no love lost at the end of this war.

"You… You…" the knight exclaims. He's speechless! This is not how I meant for today to turn out, but this moron will not lay off. "Cretin!"

Oh, I'm a cretin. Whatever. A cretin doesn't buy stuff for people he doesn't like. A cretin acts like he has some sense of entitlement to anything he wants and doesn't care who he has to offend to get it. That's not me. Actually, that sounds like a certain sword-wielding maniac that I know.

"Excuse me," Reno interrupts. "Um, aren't I supposed be the one fighting you guys? Just a thought."

"Oh, you don't want to mess with this," I tell the Turk, with fingersnaps and the accompanying wiggle included. Oh, I'm so mad I'm going ghetto. This won't be pretty for any involved.

"Silence fool!" Steiner screams as he begins running at the assassin, swinging his half-a-sword. When he reaches Reno, the redhead whacks him in the face with his rod thing rather easily. I don't know if I should thank him or be worried.

Reno kneels next to Steiner and prods him with his weapon, but the knight doesn't move. Then he looks over at me with a nod and a scary grin. "It looks like it's just you and me. You ready?"

"Um… no?" I say as I shift my eyes at all my comrades. Vivi still isn't moving, and Zidane can't seem to get himself up. He has blood running down his face from a nasty gash on his forehead and can't seem to move. The only other one who can help is Dagger, but she as scared as I feel. There are definitely no Trances to save us this time. Dagger's trance is some weird special summoning thing, but she doesn't summon until the middle of the second disk, so that won't be of much help. I just don't think I have a trance.

"Too bad. I am."

With that, Reno stands up and walks in my direction very slowly. I don't know if he's actually walking slowly or if my brain is putting things into slow motion. Either way, this is going to be very different from my encounter with Elena. He was right. Hair pulling and insults regarding appearance probably won't work with him. The state of his attire definitely proves that. No man who cares about what people thinks of him would dress in clothes that look like they haven't been washed in a week.

I search for a way of escape but can't find one. Not good. So not good. Nobody has been in this much trouble since Reva was being held hostage by her own clone, who was trying to live her life as Reva. (A/N: Soap Opera reference for anyone that doesn't know what I'm talking about. It's Guiding Light on CBS. Yeah, I'm so not Rick…)

There has to be something I can do to keep from being knocked out like Steiner and Vivi. I could fight him, but how can I do that if I can't even pick up a sword. Everyone has a weakness, though. What would Reno's be?

Before I have a chance to figure that out, though, my gut meets Reno's fist. He moved so fast that I almost didn't see him. When did the Turk leave slow motion mode? Oh, if only Linda Carter were here. She'd just spin around in a circle, turn into Wonder Woman, and save us all. Too bad that'll never happen. Or will it? Reno's here after all. Anything is possible, short of me sprouting wings and singing on tour with Madonna. Well, maybe the wings could happen. All of that bioengineering and whatnot. Singing with Madonna, though, that'll never happen. Maybe Whitney Houston, but I'd have to wake until she was really coked up before I would even attempt it.

"Ow! That really hurt!" I cry through watery eyes. Hurt it did. It actually hurt just to speak. My lungs feel like they're on fire, and they weren't even touched. "No wonder Elena said you were a stupid ape."

"Elena said that?" Reno mutters to himself. He even looks kind of depressed. It can't be that he has romantic feelings for the crazy blonde, could it? Whatever his feelings, though, he shakes his head and lies that it doesn't matter to him. "I came here to get the princess back, and I'm going to do just that. If you don't it… Well, there's not anything you can do, is there?"

"Wrong!" Zidane screams as he leaps at the two of us, his Mage Mashers glinting in the sunlight. How can he move? When I got here, he barely seemed conscious. Maybe it was just an act. He is an actor after all. Just not a very good one, in my opinion. Don't tell him I said that, though.

With barely enough time to react, Reno ducks under the attack and Zidane flies over him and hits the ground. The thief then rolls to his feet rather skilfully. If he can do that when injured, I wonder what he can do when in perfectly good shape. Oh, the possibilities. Snap out of it, Rick! There's a fight going on. You can ruminate on alternate "sporting events" later.

"Hmm, it seems you may not be the amateurs I thought," Reno smirks as he stands up, driving his knee into my chin. Unfortunately for him, he must have done it wrong. While I'm lying on my back in pain, I see him hopping about on one leg with an expression on his face similar to what mine must be. My facial features must be bonier than I thought. Either that, or the whole not eating since coming to Gaia thing is making my face skinnier.

"Nobody beats Zidane Tribal, the king of thieves," the tailed wonder boasts as he wipes his bloody brow with his left arm. It's probably a good thing he's wearing a sleeveless shirt, because you just cannot get a bloodstain out of clothing. All of those little tips the newspapers give you just do not work. There was one time I poured about a gallon of bleach onto a white shirt to get out a speck of blood about the size of a nickel, and all it was change it from a rusty brown colour to a very pale tan. It's all a rip off, I tell you.

"The king of thieves? Obviously, you've never met a Turk before. We specialize in everything from burglary to murder. Oh, and we like the killing. Fortunately for us, the only thing we're supposed to bring back alive is that hot number over there," Reno says with a nod in Dagger's direction. I notice that when he says that, she gets a horrified look on her face, which quickly changes to one of outrage and fury. Hell hath no fury like a princess that's seriously ticked off.

Reno moves to attack Zidane, but Dagger gets there first. The Summoner swings her rod rather low and hits Reno in the… well, no babies in the near future for that particular redhead.

"Oh… this isn't the end. We'll be back," the bent over mercenary assures us in a very high-pitched voice before, erm, "supporting" himself and running away. We probably should stop him, but nobody really looks up to it. It was a rather short fight, though. I only got hit twice. Now if only the other monsters/villains/Steiner would follow his example.

"That was… interesting," Zidane says as he helps me up. I notice he winces as he does so. "Princess, who is Joe Dirt?"

"Oh, Honey, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. How are you?" I ask sarcastically in an attempt to avoid talking about the movie that nobody here has ever heard of. "It isn't everyday that a mentally and fashionably-challenged redhead decides to kidnap Dagger."

Although something tells me that it may become an everyday thing soon. Will the Turks be all to come after us, or does Brahne have something like the Red Wings at her disposal? Why does the thought of people like Cecil and Kain coming after me seem more frightening than people like Rude and Reno coming after me? It could have something to do with the fact that the Turks' reputation is often more than it's made out to be. Still, that and their attempts to kill my friends and I doesn't change how cool they are. Well, Rude and Reno are cool. Elena's just a psycho, and Tseng was nothing short of abominable on my opinion. I just can't idolize a man that slaps a woman.

"Can you check on Vivi for me?" Dagger asks as she puts hand on Zidane's shoulder and begins to pull him away. "I'll look after this one."

Could she be anymore jealous? Instead of her, Zidane helps me. Then again, I could just remind her that she's the reason we all got attacked. "Sure thing. What about Steiner? You want him? I sure don't."

Must be the nice guy in me.

"Yes, I will handle him as well."

We part, them oblivious and me knowing exactly what'll happen. Or, at least, what should happen. I kneel next to the kid I let down, and notice that his eyes are open. I grab his wrist and feel for a pulse, but don't find one.

"No," I whisper. He can't be dead. I can't be the reason a little boy is dead. This just isn't right.

In desperation, I open the satchel, which is still hanging on my shoulder, reach my hand in, and grab a phoenix down. Don't ask me how I grabbed one without looking. It was like that was all there was in the thing. I didn't even feel the fabric of the clothes I bought. Anyway, I uncork the bottle and open Vivi's mouth. It isn't easy to force myself to pour the liquid down his throat, knowing that I'm probably violating his…

"My head hurts," Vivi coughs a few seconds later. So grateful that's alive, I pull him into a hug, not caring one bit about the tears running down my face. The little guy does, though. "Rick, I can't breathe."

"Sorry, Cutie," I tell him when I let go. "You just had me scared there for a few seconds. You weren't breathing or anything. I was afraid you weren't alive."

He stops looking at me and begins looking at something over my shoulder. What did I… Stupid, Rick, just stupid! Why didn't you just tell him that Kuja created him and get it over with? You're such an idiot!

"Hey, Vivi! Princess!" Zidane shouts. I look around and see Steiner, Zidane, and Dagger standing by the ladder to the airship. "Rusty here says this is headed to Lindblum. Come on, already!"

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A/N: Another funny-ish chapter with a dab of drama. Just give it 'til Lindblum for the funniness of the first chapters after the plant thing to come back. Yeah, I don't want this to be a comedy like the first few chapters, but it shouldn't a complete drag either. Anyway, _Resurrection_ is done now. Check out the prologue for _Redemption_ in the FFVIII section.


	9. The Mile High Club As If!

Chapter 9: The Mile High Club… As If!

A/N: Drama, Bah! This is getting back to the funny in a most unexpected way. And sparks fly between Rick and a certain someone…

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Someone needs to invent a time machine so I can go back in time and kill whomever it was that invented ladders. You need upper body strength to lift yourself up the bars, and that is one thing that my genetic donors, a.k.a. parents, did not pass on to me. The big butt and even bigger mouth, of course, but no positive attributes whatsoever. Screw Nature vs. Nurture: this will always suck. If I knew how much exercise was involved, I would've told Steiner to flake off and just gone back to sleep on those stairs. Maybe I would've woken up back home or, even better, in Stars Hollow to have grand adventures with Lorelai and Rory. There is nothing more fun than hanging out with a mother-daughter duo who just happen to talk fast and be slightly touched in the head.

Anyway, back to ladders. They are not pleasant. Right now, I happen to have Zidane's behind right in my face. Not pleasant. It may look good from a distance, but up close it's not. I'm just hoping that there won't be a warm breeze in my face anytime soon.

"Aah!" I hear Dagger scream, followed by some chuckling from Zidane. I almost forgot that he's a pervert. How does my life end up with me underneath a pervert? Not that way, you sick freaks!

"Ooh, soft," he murmurs just soft enough that Dagger can't hear him. Really, I can't hear him, but I know what he's going to say.

"Shut up and get a move on!" I yell over the sound of the starting engine. For emphasis, I give his butt a good swat. Then he proceeds to scream louder than Dagger. Geez, it's not like I groped him. Men can be so uptight. I remember this one time at band camp… Wait. I never was at band camp. Maybe it was just a dream. Eh, who kills? Cares! I mean, who cares? I never killed a counsellor at band camp. Yeah, that's right. Nothing happened.

"Princess!"

Not even Jason Lee could understand the karmic significance of this moment. Dagger looks down at me with a grin before disappearing over the balcony-thing. She so loves me.

"Just move it already. We do have a flight to Lindblum that's getting ready to take off."

Actually, it's already moving. The airship, I mean. It started right after I latched onto the ladder. Just thought that needed clarifying.

"You are such a freak," Zidane mutters as he grabs my arm to help hoist me over the edge and onto the loading platform. Hey, I don't know what it's called. Do I look like some kind of expert flying guy? If I do, then shoot me. Those beat up leather jackets they wear are so hideous that even Kelly Osborne wouldn't be seen in them. "Let's go, Dagger and the others are waiting for us."

"What's Lindblum like?" I ask while peaking over the railing to see the ground flying by below rather quickly before turning into a bunch swirling Mist. Unlike the last time I saw it, the Mist isn't reflecting the sunlight. Now it's just like silver silk. "I've never been there. I guess you would know that, though, what with my not knowing anything about traveling."

"Well, it's a town full of beautiful women who just happen to be in love with me," he says dreamily, all thoughts of actually going inside gone. He leans against the railing, the wind blowing his hair in front of his face. He really should cut it. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to let me get my hands on it. I never mentioned my highly stylized plans for Dagger's hair to anyone, and now I don't think they're even going to come to some sort of fruition: so much for reviving the bob.

"I'm sure they are."

"You don't believe me!" Zidane exclaims in fake disbelief and false offence. "Here I thought we were friends. I'm going to run off and cry now. I hope I don't ruin my makeup!"

"You jerk," I laugh while slapping him playfully. I'm not sure if he's making light of me or someone else, since I never wear makeup. Drag just isn't my thing. That has probably been mentioned several times already, and it probably will be well into the future. Stupid Harvey Firestein and his amazing ability to wear women's clothes.

Then the door to the interior of the ship swings open and Dagger sticks her head out. She's looking directly at me, and she's definitely not smiling. I know this part. It's when Vivi finds the other mages walking around like zombies. Stepford mages. Completely and utterly without thought. Almost like Britney Spears, except without the sluttiness and a soon-to-be-ex-husband nobody likes.

"Rick, Zidane, we need you in here. There's something… It's Vivi. It has to do with what we saw back at Dali."

That last part was spoken to Zidane only.

The three of us look at each other without speaking a word, and then I find myself taking the initiative and pushing past Dagger.

Being inside the airship is a lot different from being out of it. It's colder out there than it is in here, that's for sure. This place feels like an oven. There are gallons of sweat collecting under my arms. It's not a pretty picture, but I'm not the one that gathered the paints, so to speak. Anyway, the weird thing is that it's hot when the engine runs on cold Mist. I didn't remember initially because of the drastic change between Ice Cavern and the cliff, but the temperature change between the Valley of the Mist and Dali is somewhere around twenty degrees, with Dali being the warmer. Isn't Valley of the Mist the name of a movie?

Also, there are about twenty black mages walking around like robots. Vivi is running between them, trying rather unsuccessfully to get their attention. It's like they can't even see him.

"Hey, Cutie," I coo when he returns to the door. I know I'm patronizing him, but there really isn't much that I can do. Emotions and whatnot really aren't my specialty. I'm more superficial than that, as shallow as it sounds. There's too much drama in the world without me having to add my own. "What are you up to?"

"They're ignoring me, like they can't hear me or something," is all he says before wrapping his arms around Dagger's leg. The young woman looks confused as she awkwardly pats his head.

"I'm going to try to find Rusty, okay?"

I have to get out of here. Steiner really isn't what I wanted to bother with right now, but I figure I'll leave it up to Zidane to cheer the munchkin up. A middle-aged, overweight, rust-covered pile of scrap metal needs a good talking to, after all.

There's another ladder to climb, and then a trapdoor set in the ceiling has to be pushed open. When I do so, I encounter brighter sunshine than there had been back in Dali. Maybe it's because we're closer to the fiery orb. After remembering why I'm here, I look around for Steiner but don't see him. He wasn't down in the engine room. Where could Rusty have gone?

A hand is set on my shoulder, and I jump out of shock. Then I turn around and see that it's just Zidane. He has one of those unreadable looks on his face. "Did you find him yet, Princess?"

"Find who?"

"Steiner, you moron," he says with a laugh. He doesn't seem as self-absorbed as he did in the game, but that doesn't change the fact that Zidane can be blunt. He'd better be glad that I'm a nice person. I could be some lunatic who likes to kill things. Sword, gun, magic wand, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is how good I look while doing it. Unfortunately, Pierce Brosnan ruined action for all of us non-British men. No matter what we do, we just can't measure up.

Then I hear it. In _Jaws_ it's the weird music, in _Psycho_ it's the screeching violins, in Queens it's the clicking of twelve-dollar high heels. For me, the sound that means impending doom is the clinking of rusty metal.

Surprisingly, it's not my name that's screamed out. "Princess! Why oh why could I not stop the pilots from taking off? Now you have been left with those criminals and poor Master Vivi." Does he not know we're here? I'm too afraid to turn around and out. He's the opposite of what my parents always wanted in a child: he's heard but not seen. Of course, I always have to be both. There is nothing more interesting in this world or mine than me when I want to be. Except for Oprah, but that's a given.

"Steiner, she's downstairs," I mutter when I turn around and see the knight stumbling and crying. It's almost like he's drunk. There's no way he could've done that. He didn't have the time or the alcohol. Only a Kennedy can get plastered without those necessities.

"Really?" he says with a big smile. That's very unlike Steiner. Scary, almost. Then he notices that it's Zidane and me that he's talking to and does a complete 180. "You two! What have you done with the princess?"

Didn't I just say she was downstairs?

"Calm down, Rusty. She's in the engine room with Vivi," Zidane answers flippantly. He rolls his eyes and scratches his butt. One of these days, if he's still doing that, I'm going to cut his hands off. It doesn't matter how masculine it is, it's disgusting. A man's behind is good for only three things. Two are for the disgusting acts of flatulence and defecation. You figure out the third one and what the first two mean. I'm not entirely sure that I do, and I took two years of high school biology.

"Do not speak to me like that, you filth! When we return to Alexandria, I will see that you two are executed!"

He's going to kill me, I'm the scum of the earth, blah blah… doesn't this guy have anything new? Then again, I could say the same thing about Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney. They're last few albums sound like exactly the same things. You would have thought that Kenny's break-up with Renèe would have given him cause to reach deep into himself and write some music that equates life to something more than a bottle of tequila or a tropical vacation. Though, one would have to wonder why they hooked up together to begin with. He's so obviously not that into… never mind, I don't want to be sued. Lawyers aren't as sexy as _Brothers and Sisters_ makes them appear.

"Hey, Princess," Zidane whispers into my ear while Steiner has his back to us. Something about not wanting to soil his mind with the image of such refuse or some fancy way of calling me trash. "Keep him busy. I have a plan."

Keep him busy? If given the opportunity, Steiner would rant and rave about my shortcomings until the Dusk of the Gods. That's Armageddon, people. Pick up a book sometimes. They're good for more than just propping open windows on hot summer nights in hopes of a cooling breeze or a midnight visitor. Oops, I think I just slipped into one of Billy Bob Thornton's movies. Glad I got out before the racist grandfather got drunk and beat up a mannequin while dressed as a mall Santa.

"You know, Dagger was looking pretty pleased with herself when I ran into her this morning, and my back is kind of stiff despite sleeping in an actual bed," I say rather loudly, catching the knight's attention as they thief sneaks off rather, well, sneakily. And everyone wonders why I'm not acing English. "Do you think they could be related?"

Yep, that did it. Steiner looks seriously ticked off. I haven't seen anyone this mad since Faith Hill lost Female Vocalist to Carrie Underwood at the CMAs. If only he were as aesthetically pleasing to look at. If only I knew what "aesthetically" means. Now I wish I'd gotten sucked into _Bones_, then I could just ask Dr. Brennan. That, and I'd get to stare to David Boreanas. Who wouldn't want that?

Actually, I think it worked a little too well. Steiner has now drawn the sword I bought him back in Dali. That was a bad idea. How do I know it's the one I bought him? It's completely intact, whereas his original one broke when his girth fell on top of it. Yet, this one is already beginning to develop patches of rust. Does he have some sort of Pigpen-esque complex that states anything metallic he touches turns to rust?

"How dare you insult the honour of the princess with such an implication? I shall forego the custom of a trial and behead you now for your slander and malfeasance!" the loon declares as he starts clinking in my direction with the large piece of sharpened rust held over his head. For some reason, my feet won't move. It's like I'm a deer caught in a pair of headlights. At the last second, I dodge and lose some of my hair to his swordsmanship.

He cut my hair. He _cut_ my _hair_. HE CUT MY HAIR! That is it. I have had it with this guy. Hero or not, I am not putting up with an unwanted hacking of my precious tresses. The MCoDs have been craving blood ever since I first got here, and they're finally going to get it.

"You don't know what you're in for!" I scream at the top of my lungs in a rather high-pitched voice more befitting of a prepubescent little girl. No Ben Stein here. Steiner even looks slightly taken aback. Then it happens: I attack. I leap high into the air, the sun reflecting off my nails, and my fingers curl into their most dangerous of attack positions. Each moment seems to go by in slow motion as I inch closer and closer to the shocked warrior. However, my gym teacher's many, many, _many_ warnings of my inability to judge distance and lack of eye-hand coordination come into contact with my no speed. The knight who wants to kill me bats me away at the last second with the flat side of his sword. To think I thought Elena beating me up hurt. Ow!

"Clearly, I do, you heathen!" he shouts at the top of his voice as he holds that pointy thing at my head. Why am I always the one that gets smacked around? It could be Zidane, but no. It has to be me. I distract Elena, I distract Steiner, I have to buy the medicines for our trip to Lindblum. I couldn't even deal with Reno. Dagger is the one that takes him out. Feelings of inadequacy are starting to develop. Big time.

The airship jerks to the side, and Steiner is thrown to the floor while I slide to the other side of the deck. Zidane had better be steering the thing. Otherwise, I'm not going to be a very happy camper. Anyone who remembers yesterday morning knows how I can get when I'm camping and not happy. People get hurt. Of course, it's somehow always me, but that's not important. Wait. Yes it is!

I climb to my feet, slowly because of the pain, and watch Steiner do the same. The look in his eyes says that he has the same idea as me. Kill the monkey. Zidane would never die at my hands, though. I'd just stand by and watch. Yeah, that's how mad I am right now. I'm tired of getting smacked and thrown around.

Luckily, for me, heavy armour outweighs throbbing back pain, so I reach Zidane first. He's inside the little steering room thing, standing at the wheel with all of these little knobs and valves around him. Cinna so much have taught him how to fly.

"You are so in the doghouse right now!" I mutter as I slide into the room and sit on the floor with my back against the console. Looking up, I see Zidane smiling and happily humming a song that I don't know. Geez, it's like he doesn't even care! "Honey, you could at least have told me what you were going to do. Now I've got an angry Steiner and a sore back to deal with."

"Why not just heal yourself again?" he asks brightly with a wink.

"If I knew how to do it, then I would have, you jerk!" I cry as I open my bag and pull out a potion. This one tastes kind of sweet, like I always imagined wine would. I haven't had wine yet, though. No matter how mature I may seem, I am only seventeen, after all.

"Wonderful, Princess. Because you're incompetent, I'm a jerk." Zidane laughs and shakes his head. I throw the empty bottle at him and miss, which only makes him laugh harder. Shouldn't Steiner be here by now? Someone needs to put Mr. Pilot here in his place. If it weren't for the fact that the potion hasn't completely taken effect yet, I'd do it myself.

Then it happens. Oddly enough, Steiner still isn't here, but the Black Mages show up nonetheless. Faces are devoid of emotion, but I can tell that they're kind of ticked off. If such a thing is possible before their "awakenings."

"Um, sorry. We need to go that way," Zidane tells them nervously as he points in the direction that the airship is currently headed. "We're just borrowing this until we get to Lindblum, okay?"

A voice answers him, but it's neither the black mages nor me. It's Dagger. "Rick, Zidane!" the princess shouts as she burst into the tiny. Her eyes widen at the sight of all the black mages. "Um, am I interrupting something?"

"We're just all getting ready to do our nails and dish on the latest gossip about Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz. Care to join?" I offer sarcastically. What? I told you that I was in a bad mood, didn't I? Or did I just say I was angry? Well, I'm in a bad mood, too. So there.

"What are you talking about?"

"I wasn't talking to you!" I shout at Zidane. These black mages must think I'm nuts, if they're capable of thinking yet. Heck, half the time even I doubt I'm able to think straight. Wow, yet another oxymoron. I may just have to become a writer. Iris Johansen, eat your heart out.

"Quit being stupid," he growls as he kicks at me. It doesn't really hurt, but in retaliation, I dig the MCoDs into his leg and he yelps. No blood was drawn since there was a layer of denim between them and his skin. Still, the MCoDs are satisfied… for now. They never did get to rip into the clerk of the inn like they wanted.

Zidane angrily grabs his leg when I release him. He's probably checking to see if I did any permanent damage. I half hope I did.

"Princess! You are so dead!" he shouts. Then he follows up by straddling me and grabbing the front of my shirt and shaking me rather roughly. In an attack reminiscent of my fight with Elena, I grab a handful of his hair and pull, him screaming out an obscenity at the pain.

Suddenly, I realize something. As if reading my mind, my head immediately drops in defeat.

"You okay, Princess?" Zidane wonders when he notices me feebly looking away. Giving up is so unlike me. Believe me, I know. He grabs my wrists and pulls my hands from his head. "Is something wrong?"

"Honey…" I whisper so low that I even I can barely hear it. Slowly, I remove my hands from his grasp and bring my breathing under control.

"Yeah?"

"Get off me!" I scream as I push him onto his back. After that, laughter begins to bubble up until I completely lose control over it. Heavy guffaws escape my mouth rather easily.

"Rick! Zidane!" Dagger cries again. Geez, doesn't she know not to interrupt guys when they're goofing off?

"What?" Zidane and I yell at the same time. Eerie, isn't it?

"It's Steiner. He's unconscious. I left Vivi with him. Now would you two quit fooling around and get out there?"

I scratch my head. There's something we're forgetting.

"If we all go out there, then who's going to steer the airship?" Zidane asks before I can realize that that's the question I was pondering. He stole my question! Now how am I supposed to sound smart and witty if everyone keeps asking my questions?

"I can steer it."

"Don't be silly, Rick," Dagger mutters without humour. "You don't know the first thing about flying."

"I know more than you," I tell her with a flip of my hair. I would stand up for dramatic effect, but Zidane is still on me. Stupid monkey. "Why would anyone bother to teach royalty how to fly? Don't they get their own pilots or something like that?"

"Well," Zidane laughs nervously as he jumps to his feet and all but runs to the door. "I guess I'm the one that's going to see what's up with Rusty. Have fun with whatever this is."

With that, he runs away like voters from the Republican Party. (A/N: Woo hoo! Liberalism is on its way back!) Wuss. If he can't stand the heat, then he'd better stay out of the kitchen.

"You'd better go, Rick," Dagger says. Jarred out of my ruminations, I look around and catch the orange-clad (gross!) girl standing beside me with both hands on the steering wheel thing. On _my_ steering wheel thing! Wait, no, that doesn't sound right. What I mean to say is… I should be steering this ship! She did well in the game, so I know that I can do great. "They need someone out there who can revive Steiner."

"I told you that I don't know how I healed myself!" I shriek in my scary-girl voice as I wave my hands over my head. How many ways can I explain this to her? "It could have just been a fluke."

Dagger shakes her head and gives me that look that says she thinks I'm an idiot. The tone in her voice confirms that that is precisely what she is thinking. "You have the phoenix downs, don't you? The potions and whatever else you bought is in that purse of yours, right? You did pick up the supplies, didn't you? I would hate to learn that you are incapable of accomplishing even that simple of a task."

What is with her attitude all of a sudden? She's being such a… Well, let's just say that she's acting like Raquel Malone after her ascension from majorette to cheerleader. I so should have been the one to make the squad.

"Yes, I bought them. They're right here in my…" I state as I lift the satchel, which looks like it's empty. Then I realize what she just said. "It is not a purse! Men do not have purses: they have man-bags. You're just jealous because you don't have one. That, and your ugly attire. Seriously, orange? Why not just hold up a sign that says: 'Here I am, Mommy! Come and catch me and kill all of my friends!' Seriously, what is wrong with you? Aside from being ugly, those pants are just so… so… PUFFY!!!"

"Richard, you are wearing undergarments with a large yellow stain on your shirt, but I've been courteous enough not to mention it," Dagger tells me rather nonchalantly as she gives the wheel a slight turn. "Now, if you don't mind…"

"It's Rick!" I interrupt with yet another of my patented shrieks. Geez, I've yelled so much today that my voice is going to be as raspy as that of some unknown jazz musician. Hold on. I'm just wearing underwear? "Wait a minute. What do you mean by 'undergarments'? I have more on than Zidane, and I don't see you telling him anything about underwear."

"He is wearing a pauper's clothes, _Rick_. You are in the under-uniform of a Knight of Pluto. Steiner has already yelled at you several times about it. I'm surprised you did not believe him."

Really? Old Rusty told me that? Hmm, must have been when I wasn't listening to him. Well, things will be awkward when we get to Lindblum. There won't be any time to change, what with the third attack… Crap! I knew I was forgetting something! Steiner was right behind me before I came to the bridge, if that's what this room can be called. He's unconscious now, which must mean that…

"Get away from there!" I shout to Zidane and Vivi as they mill around Steiner's prone body. That makes him sound a little dead, I know, but what else can I call it? They can't hear me, so I start banging on the glass to the window in a failing attempt to catch their attention. "You have to get away from him!"

"Rick?" Dagger asks in that voice that makes it sound like she thinks I'm crazy. I'm becoming very acquainted with that voice lately. "Why would they need to go away from where you need to go?"

Are we still on that? "Steiner was fine when it was just him, Zidane, and me up here. When you guys came up, though, you said he was unconscious. That must mean that there's someone else. Some we don't know about. Unless you think the black mages did it."

As if to answer my question, Zidane comes flying at the window and crashes through it, taking me to the floor with him. Several shards of glass imbed themselves in me and I do what all men do when they're in pain. I suck it up.

"Ow," Zidane groans as he struggles to stand. Then he looks at me and his eyes widen. "Geez, Princess. There's no need to cry like you're some kind of little baby. It's just some glass. Nothing a potion or two won't cure."

"But it really, really hurts!" I bawl as I wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. He doesn't have to be so mean.

"Come on, get up," he says with a wince as he offers a hand to me. I take it and he hoists me to my feet. "Chug yourself a potion and get your butt in gear. We can't leave Vivi out there alone."

"He's not alone, Zidane," Dagger says rather loudly. While opening my satchel, I turn my head and look through blurry eyes to see the black mages surrounding Vivi and some blurry figure that I can't make out. If I knew what we were dealing with, I would know what to do. So what if I've never beat a videogame without the use of cheat codes? (A/N: That's actually only half-true. I did beat _Legend of Dragoon_ without cheating, but only after beating it several times while cheating.)

The mages start waving their arms and I can feel the hairs on my arms standing up in anticipation as I finally pull a potion out and pull off the cork without only the minimal requirements of whimpers. See, I am tough after all.

After the taste of peppermint subsides, Zidane grabs my hand and starts pulling me out the door.

"No, I don't want to go!" I scream as I hold onto the doorframe. "Make Dagger do it! She's the one that beat that guy back in Dali! I can steer the ship for you guys!"

"Come on, Princess," Zidane huffs as he grabs my arm with both hands and starts pulling on me rather roughly. "Dagger's doing just fine by herself. We have to help Vivi."

"And Steiner!" Dagger adds with a laugh at my situation. I'm very thankful that the potion pushed the glass out of my skin as it healed me. Otherwise, I would be in a lot of pain right now.

"Whatever." Zidane places one leg on the side of the doorframe that I'm not latched onto. He pulls again and seems even stronger this time, because once again we crash to the floor in one big heap. Can someone say uncoordinated? "Now come on!"

I cry, scream, and kick as I'm drug over the wooden planks. It's not fair, I tell you! Everyone is screaming at me and being mean.

"What did you do that for?" I hear Vivi scream over the roaring of the wind. Hmm, since Dagger has started steering, we seem to be going faster. If we were back on earth, she would probably be one of those old ladies who go 80 mph through a school zone. Speed demons and stuff. That would make a great FOX show, "Granny Racers: the only things faster than their cars are the insults they throw at their daughters-in-law."

"Where are all of those mage guys?" Zidane asks. He stops moving me around, but doesn't let me go. That makes it very hard for me to stand up. As a result, I have to twist around to see just who it is my little buddy is speaking with.

Just as I thought, it's Rude. He looks so cool, with his suit and sunglasses. Plus, he has really broad shoulders that stretch his shirt against his body really well. Unlike Reno, he can actually pull the suit look off. Heck, right now, _I'd_ like to pull it off of _him_. Wait. He's the bad guy. Not going there.

"Hello there," I say meekly with a wave from my position on the floor. As if remembering that he still has a hold of me, Zidane lets go and I hit the floor painfully before standing up. Okay, this day is getting so much worse than I had planned. Despite being the best looking and sanest of the Turks (Elena falls to last place in both, obviously), Rude is also the toughest if my FFVII experience is to be relied upon. Never really could gauge how strong Tseng was, since you don't fight him in the game. He must have been up there, though. The guy was the leader of the Turks, after all.

Rude doesn't respond. That's very odd. Elena probably would have gone off on some tangent about kicking the crap out of me before doing it, and Reno would definitely have returned the greeting before kicking the crap out of me.

"Don't get chummy with him, Princess," Zidane advises. Come on, does he really think that I'm that stupid? I watched _Buffy_. I know that allying yourself with the forces of evil always comes back to bite you. Let's just hope it's not as literal for me as it was for Willow and the rest of the Scooby Gang. Come to think of it, we don't have a group name like that. FFVII had AVALANCHE, FFVIII had SeeDs, FFX had guardians and summoners, and FFX-2 had the Gullwings and/or YRP. What should we call ourselves? OH, I know! We'll be "Wonderful Rick and his fabulous friends! Plus Steiner."

"It's called psyching him out," I inform the thief with a shove.

He bonks me on the back of my head rather roughly before addressing Rude. "Leave now, and we won't hurt you. I know you're here for Dagger. I'm afraid I can't let you take her. Not for less than twenty-thousand Gil, anyway…"

This time, it's my turn to hit Zidane. "You idiot! If you do that, I'll wake Steiner up and let him kill you right now."

"I'm just kidding, Mister Priss," he says as he rubs his sore arm. "Since when are you so violent?"

"Since I got you for a friend," I answer. Then I dramatically whirl back to a confused-yet-still-cool looking Rude and point my finger at him. "You may be really hot, but I won't betray my friends for that. Wait! I am _not_ a priss!"

"Yes you are!" Zidane shouts back. "You think I didn't notice, but you compulsively clean your fingernails. Heck, you're doing it right now!"

Looking down, I see that he's right. That doesn't mean I'm prissy, though. I'm just clean.

"Guys," Vivi interrupts. "He just went after Dagger."

Zidane and I both turn around to see Rude calmly walking in the direction of the princess steering the airship. When did he get past us?

"Stop, criminal! Or else face the wrath of Wonderful Rick and his fantastic friends!" I declare with an outstretched finger and imposing demeanor. Rude stops momentarily to regard me with his eyes, which are hidden behind awesome shades. Do sunglasses actually exist here, or are they some kind of import from when he got here? My new outfit would look great with some sunglasses.

The moment is ruined when Zidane smacks me in the back of the head. Could I possibly get an "Ow"?

"Don't ever say that again," he warns. "I am Zidane, not a 'fabulous friend.' Where did that even come from? Whatever you're smoking, I'll probably need after this fight."

Aside from the pain, there's something bothering me about what just happened in the last ten seconds. Zidane asked me for pot. I don't think he was serious, but the very fact that they of its existence here is something that would excite Deadheads for years to come.

Without a word, Rude turns his back on us and continues on his way. I know he's a cretin. That doesn't make it any less impolite. Since when do assassins act like common thieves? On my mother's grave, I swear that I will have him say at least two words to me. So, what if my mother's not dead?

"I thought I told you to stop!" With a speed known only to teenage boys who have been battered like a pancake, I chase down the Turk. He stops just as I reach him. When my hand touches his shoulder, he grabs it and throws me forward. I crash through the glass like Zidane had just moments before. Dagger jumps a little at my sudden arrival. The only way I know is that the ship has some sort of reaction. It swivels jerks rather violently and throws me against the wall. At least there's no glass stuck in me this time.

"Rick?"

"Yeah?" I mutter as I stand up. This has to end soon.

"What is he doing?"

My gorgeous brown eyes look out the one window that has yet to be broken. Rude is staring right at Dagger while holding his left hand up to his ear. He lowers it then checks something on his wrist. The warrior turns and walks to the edge of the airship. Zidane runs at him, but is batted away rather easily. Pathetic almost. Ag least I managed to touch the guy.

Rude climbs up onto the railing, casts one last look in the direction of our princess, and then jumps off. He just jumps off the side of the ship!

"Did anyone else see that?" I ask dumbly.

"Yes. I did," Dagger answers just as dumbly.

We are coming up on South Gate at a rather fast pace. Guess her Highness doesn't know how to steer this thing as well as she thought. I so would have done a better job.

Zidane comes stumbling towards us, as it is suddenly hard to walk normally. There's all of this pressure starting to bear down on me. Dagger's showing signs of strain, too. I grab the wheel to help her keep it straight, and it almost rips my arms off. How was she able to do it by herself?

"Slow down!" the thief screams when he does finally reach us. He grabs the frame of one of our broken windows. "Slow down! We're going to crash into South Gate!"

"I can't!" Dagger screams back. "That man… he did something to the airship!"

Then comes a sound that drives fear so deep I can feel it in my bones.

An explosion throws the airship forward with a jerk, and Vivi begins to lose his balance. Considering how close he is to the edge… I can't watch.

I cover my eyes and cower as aftershocks, or whatever they're called, roll over the thing and I get thrown around a bit. Zidane is shouting, Dagger is screaming, and the wind is whistling through my ears. Rude put a bomb onboard. Rude put a bomb onboard. I figured he wouldn't be able to use magic, so it's not terribly surprising, but HE BLEW UP THE AIRSHIP!

A shadow passes overhead, which means we have to have entered South Gate. I crack my eyes open to catch sight of Zidane leaning over the railing and holding onto Vivi's arm as the mage flails in the wind. We head straight for the closing doors of the gate. Pleasant? No. Will we make it? Probably not.

However, as if to prove me wrong, we do make it. Shortly after, though, the engine sputters and dies. The grounds comes closer and closer. How may crashes will I have to endure until I can get home?

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A/N: That took a bit of time, didn't it? The slapstick in the latter half of this chapter was heavily influenced by Rumiko Takahashi's _Ranma ½_ manga/anime series. I'm not sure if it worked, but it was definitely fun to write.

Next time, we'll have more cameos, a tour of Lindblum, and we'll meet people that have much more in common with Rick than he ever thought possible…


	10. Yet Another Boring Chapter

Chapter 10: Yet another boring chapter

A/N: You may be wondering, why that title when there's so much else going on? Vivi is very depressed, the cargo ship just crashed, and Rick learned that he's been running around in his underwear this whole time. Well, the reason is… this chapter is kind of boring because there aren't any fights.

Anyway, as promised, here's the next installation of TCBT. The place where all of your FFIX favourites come together to annoy one another! With a little help from Rick, of course.

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Make it stop. Make it all just stop. The world is over, as I knew it, and much of it I did not know. World, I have to tell you this with the utmost of despair. My once gorgeous hair is now beyond saving. Steiner really did a hack job on it. One of these days, I'm going to get that pile of rust alone and sick three thousand drag queens on him.

What do you mean, they don't have drag queens here? Of course they do, everyplace has at least one. Even my conservative hometown of Hellhole had one. (A/N: Not the real name, but pretty much sums up my feelings about it.) So what if people in the Middle Ages couldn't be out of the closet? That's what the theatre is for. Closeted men in their forties and fifties are supposed to win Tony's. Young men, too. Why else do you think I've been… Well, I've been doing nothing that deserves any form of scrutiny.

Oh, right, my hair. Remember when Steiner tried to cut my head off and only got some of my beautiful locks instead? Well, he got more than some. The way it looks, I have only three options available: get extensions, a buzz cut, or shave it all off. Why did it have to be me? Why, oh, why me? Why not Zidane? He doesn't do anything with his hair. It could have been Dagger, even. It wouldn't matter, since she was going to hack it off anyway.

"Buck up, Princess," the thief whispers at me from the reception room of the Lindblum Palace. "This Minister guy is going to be here any moment, and the last thing we need is for you to start crying again."

"I'm not going to cry. It's only my hair, after all," I hiss angrily. How dare he! "Besides, it was only my hair, not something _important_ like one of your girly magazines."

"What's a magazine?"

"NO TALKING!" one of the Lindblum guards shouts at us. Creep. Just because we crashed an airship into one of the walls of the castle doesn't mean he has to be rude. Seriously, whatever happened to manners? I thought that all royalty and their staff were supposed to know these things.

Oh, you might be wondering just how the others and I got here. Well, it's an incredibly short story: we crashed the cargo ship into the side of the castle, and the guards were going to throw us into the dungeon until Dagger showed them her rock. Remember? Big piece of valuable jewellery that I all but drooled over back when we were traveling in the Mist? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, after that little show, they hauled us through the Serpent Gate and up the elevator to wait for Minister Artania. I didn't actually hear them say that, what with all of the polished metal showing just what an ugly freak I am, but who else could it be? Draclau? Preposterous! That old fart isn't even the type of minister that I'm talking about.

"Minister Croft is here!" the guard shouts. Dagger and Rusty do this weird little bow that Zidane and Vivi try to mimic. Of course, being the idiot that I am, I just stand there until one of the guards whacks me in the back of the knee with his pointy stick thing. What are those called again? Right, a spear! Yeah, the guy totally whacks me with a spear! How rude is that? He could have at least asked me to kneel instead of imposing this pain on my undeserving body. Why must the pretty suffer the most?

After I get over the initial pain, I rearrange my body into the correct position and try to catch my friends' eyes. Dagger is looking like she found a million dollars, Zidane is _literally_ drooling, Steiner is pretty much the same as Zidane, and I still can't read Vivi.

"Auntie Lara!" Dagger shouts as she stands up and runs to the person in the room that I've yet to see. Turning my head, I catch sight of just what is enthralling my male travelling partners.

Curvy and Buxom are probably two words that one would use when they see Lara Croft. The tight outfits definitely see to that. However, the Lara I see before me now isn't the same Lara Croft from the video games or the movies. She's about forty, wears glasses, still has her trademark braid only with grey at her temples, and there are wrinkles around her eyes and lips. Also, despite being fully clothed, she continues to emit this aura of absolute sexuality. It's not even about her body, though even I can tell that she's worked hard to keep it hard. You can tell how toned her physique is with each movement that she makes. I swear, I would be just like Rusty and the perv over there if it weren't for…

"Princess Garnet!" Lara cries with glee as she catches the romantic lead in a hug and spins about effortlessly. When they finish, Garnet is sat back on her feet and I offer her my hand. She takes it and I kiss the back like I've seen done in many of those stupid old movies that my parents would watch when I was younger.

"It is my pleasure."

"Don't I know it?" Lara smirks as she knocks my hand aside, catches it, and then gives me a firm handshake. "That's how I greet young men like yourself. Though, I must wonder, why are you in your undergarments?"

Hmm. There's no coldness to her, despite the British accent. She a genuinely warm and inviting person. I think she would make a great hag. Really, I do. "Oh, you don't want me to bother you with such a long and dull story."

"It's because he is a degenerate, Minister Croft!" Steiner interrupts with a roar as he points his sword at me. Seems he broke free of the spell. "He has joined the tailed one in an attempt to kidnap the princess and hold her ransom against her will! Please step back so that I may destroy him!"

"Shut up, Steiner!" I shriek angrily as I whirl around and stare at the stupid knight. My fists are clenched at my sides because I don't want the MCoDs to overhear the argument and get all excited in front of the people with big and pointy weapons.

A hand is laid on my shoulder and I looked up to see that it belongs to Lara, who, in case I forgot to mention it, is about six inches taller than me. "Adelbert Steiner. The last time I saw you, you were acting more like a nanny than a knight." At this, the palace guards begin to laugh until she cuts them off with a stern but friendly smile. "I will hear your testimony on the wreck later. Now I need to speak with the Princess one-on-one. Now, if you will excuse me…"

"Auntie Lara," Dagger asks in a very soft and babyish voice that I've never heard her use before, "could my friends come, too? I dragged them into this, so the least I can do is let them know why they were protecting me from those Turk guys."

Lara's eyes grow wide and her lips thin at this revelation. She pulls Dagger into an embrace that no doubt would inspire wet dreams for many, many of the fanboys out there. Of course, it's not meant to be that way, but it seems that Zidane, the guards, and even Steiner don't care. Vivi is just looking at the floor. How I wish for my little chatterbox back.

"You poor child," the Minister whispers as she nuzzles the top of Dagger's head with her cheek. "She would actually go so far as to send the Turks after you? What kind of mother would do that? I'm so sorry. Please, stay here in the castle under the protection of our guards. I can't promise you an end to this war, but I can promise you a safe haven."

"There is no war! That is just propaganda spread about the Queen by those who would steal her power!"

"Shut up, Steiner!" I shriek again, only through tears this time. What? It _is_ an incredibly touching moment.

"Could we please see Uncle Cid first?" Dagger asks as she pulls her face out of Lara bosom and looks up at the motherly figure with tears in her eyes, too. Ha! Told you it was touching! You're all just perverts like Zidane. Speaking of the thief, he's still leering at them with his mouth open and tongue hanging out.

"Buck up, Honey," I mutter as I tug on his ear to bring him back to reality. "I think we're getting ready to go somewhere or do something. It simply wouldn't do for us to meet the regent with you eyeing Dagger and the Minister like they're pieces of meat!"

"Oh, what do you know about the beauty of two women holding each other, smelling one another's hair, stroking each others'…"

"La-la-la-la-la. I'm not listening. I'm not listening," I say loudly as I hold my hands over my ears. Of course, everyone looks at me, but I'm starting to grow used to it. "What? He was describing to me how to prepare Mu when he _knows_ that I'm a vegetarian!"

The stupid guards and Steiner begin to mutter about just what a vegetarian is until Lara silences them with a little cough. I so need to learn that. "A vegetarian is a person who willingly decides to take on the rigorous diet of one who does not eat meat. Now, would you all please come with me? You guards can return to your posts."

Gee, Lara is really nice when it comes down to it. Rather than barking those commands at us like she could have, the woman that I guess only I know as the Tomb Raider was actually polite about it. She didn't raise her voice or anything.

The men with the sharp objects go away, which means I only have to watch out for Steiner. What a relief. Sarcasm, by the way. Those of us who were about to be imprisoned are led down a long hall instead of back onto the elevator. This is so weird. At least the place looks nice. There's a carpet of red velvet under our feet and candles line the walls instead of torches. The walls are a warm cream colour and there are paintings of airships all over the place, with the occasional portrait of a man with a large moustache thrown in.

People of all types rush by us, only looking up to notice the straggly looking travelers being escorted around. Of course, when they notice that it's Lara Croft showing us around, they become a little more interested. Heck, I'm still a little mystified by it. What happened to Minister Artania? Why is Lara Croft here? She's not from a Final Fantasy game, or even an RPG for that matter! Why am I here? If I weren't so sad over the loss of what hair I lost, I'd just pull out the rest!

"Here we are," Lara says with a smirk. We stop outside a large wooden door made of heavily polished… oak? I don't know anything about trees. The Minister reaches into her, erm, bosom and retrieves a key. That, I'm not so interested in learning. Getting back to what's happening, Lara unlocks the door and ushers us all inside. When every one of us tired and dirty adventurers is safely in the confines of the new, she locks it behind us. It's rather small for what I'd call a throne room, and since there's no throne…

"Hey! Cid isn't going to be here, is he?" I blurt out just as Lara opens her mouth.

"We already figured that out, Princess. The royal level is on the third floor, after all," Zidane comments with a roll of his eyes. Daggers giggles and Lara flashes me a smile that is clearly showing her amusement at my predicament without being offensive. Really! Is this the same Lara Croft from the video games? She's not even dressed the same! Her outfit matches with this videogame, not hers. There are no pistols strapped to her side. The Turks looked like they'd just stepped out of Midgar. Lara looks like she's been here her entire life. What is going on here?

"Auntie Lara? I thought you were taking us to see Uncle Cid. Why are we in the nursery?" Dagger asks. I look around and see cribs, cradles, and toys pushed up against a wall and covered with several years of dust, as though they haven't been used for years.

"Nobody comes in here anymore," Lara explains with a wink. "Ever since Master Porom and Mistress Palom grew up and moved into their own chambers, Lady Hilde has had this room ordered locked until the next generation of royalty is born."

Wait. Porom and Palom, the mages from FFIV, are the children of Cid and Hilde? This just keeps getting weirder. Next thing you know, I'm going to find out that Vormav gave birth to me and Miluda is really my father. (A/N: FF Tactics reference, for those who don't recognize the names.)

"Is Uncle Cid ill? I would so hate to learn that I am inconveniencing him in some way," Dagger adds. Hmm, if being turned into a gross bug is ill, then I guess inconvenient is appropriate when it comes to describing slamming a large, fiery ball of wood into a castle. Why more people don't see things this clearly is beyond me.

"He is… a tad under the weather, but it is nothing that could threaten his life. I just wanted to make sure that you were all okay before I took you up there and to lay some ground rules about being guests in this castle and this city. First of all, everyone is fine, yes?"

I prepare to complain about the mistreatment of my hair, but, as if sensing my intentions, Zidane elbows me rather roughly in the side and I just nod that, yes, I am fine. Zidane does the same thing and Vivi ignores her, his eyes on all of the toys. Steiner starts into a rant about how he can never be okay as long as there is garbage like Zidane and me around Dagger. In a move that I know I'll never be able to move off, Lara silences him and he just nods. Believe it or not, she put his hand over his mouth. Good thing he's not Kelly Ripa, or Rosie O'Donnell could've made it ugly.

"And you?" Lara asks when she reaches Dagger.

"It's nothing I can't handle," the girl tells her. "Don't worry about me, really. I need to see Uncle Cid. We have to help Mother."

"No way." The tall woman crosses her arms over her large bosom, unknowingly bringing attention to them again. Zidane starts to get that drooly look again, but I take care of it with one well placed kicked to the back of his leg. "I want you to tell me what it is now. Dr. Tot did tell us that you'd been studying white magic the last time he stopped by the castle, but there's no way you're beyond a beginner's level. Let me see your injury."

"But…"

"Now!" All of the softness leaves Lara's voice. It's still soaked with concern and worry, though. In compliance with the order, Dagger lifts one of her pant legs to reveal a very black and blue ankle. It also looks like it could be twisted. Though I'm no doctor, so my opinion is pretty much worthless.

"Princess!" Steiner shrieks in a voice higher than even I could reach. Zidane wisely claps a hand over Vivi's eyes so that the youngster won't see the gruesome sight. Me? I'm just wondering how she was able to walk, let alone without a limp.

Lara gives a small smile and shakes her head. "You've been numbing the pain with Cure spells all this time, haven't you?"

Nervously, the princess gives a nod of confirmation.

"I also suppose those overzealous brutes didn't bother to check you over when they pulled you from the wreckage. Well, that's not what's important right now," Lara says as she places her hands on Dagger's ankle. Then there's a crack that causes many reactions from the crowd: Dagger cries out in pain, Steiner goes back up into his upper register, while I just wince. Zidane can't really do anything, because Vivi's fighting to see what is going on. He's doing a heck of a job, too, considering his young age. When she's finished, Minister Croft stands up and makes sure to check over the rest of Dagger. "There we go. You're fine now."

"Princess, are you well?" Steiner asks, unsure of whether or not he should threaten the life of a government official for causing her discomfort. Zidane or me? No problem. Just hack our heads off for making her royal behind sleep on the ground for one night of her life.

"I'm fine, Steiner," Dagger assures him. Well, after seeing just how thoroughly Lara checked her over, there's definitely no doubt to that.

"Hey, Honey," I whisper only to find Zidane leering again. Really, is this going to happen every time we run into the woman?

"Ow? What is it, Princess?" Zidane whispers back when I let go of his cheek. There's still a big red mark on his face, and he rubs where it's at its brightest. "Are you still whining over your hair? There are more important things right now, like that cute little piece of nobility of there."

This is getting so old. Does he only think of women? "No. I was wondering just who it was that hired Tantalus to kidnap Dagger. They'd have to be pretty rich for you to try to get a princess."

Zidane scratches his butt thoughtfully but can't come up with an answer. "I don't know. The Boss always handled that kind of stuff. Ruby probably would, but we left her back in Alexandria…"

Darn, I forgot all about Ruby! One can only wonder what kind of torture that poor woman is being forced to endure. No makeup, no hair care, or, worst of all, no moisturizing. Skin just gets scaly and gross if you don't moisturize regularly and properly.

"Would you two care to let us in on your conversation?" Lara asks. For some reason I feel like I'm being scolded by a teacher. Come on Rick, just give her a good lie. You've been doing pretty well so far. Aargh! Why am I blanking?

"We were just wondering if everyone was okay. South Gate did take about half of the airship before we crashed into the castle," Zidane tells her with a straight face.

"Yeah," I throw in just because I'm feeling left out. "We hope nobody was seriously hurt."

"Everyone is fine," Lara says with a bright smile. This woman really does make me feel like I could do more to improve myself, but she doesn't make me feel bad about it at all. Does that make sense?

"I'm so glad to hear it." I wipe my brow to show my relief.

"Tell me, why were you in such an antiquated airship to begin with, Princess?" Lara asks as she takes a seat in a rocker just happens to be nearby. The rest of us sit at her feet cross-legged. Well, Steiner doesn't. His armour can't bend that way, so he just opts to remain standing. Vivi is going through the toys. Nobody wants to disturb him, what with the kidnapping earlier today and all. I wonder if anyone bothered to tell Rusty. Probably not.

Dagger clears her throat and looks to Zidane and me for support. Well, she can be the storyteller this time. If anyone wants to be entertained, though, I can just go on and on about the thousands of different storylines I've seen on my Soaps.

"Auntie, we encountered the cargo ship in a small village called Dali. It was headed for the Castle in Alexandria, but Zidane and Rick secured its flight path to Lindblum."

Wow, maybe I'll be a hero in this story. I definitely deserve it. My poor hair is still so hideous.

"Wasn't the crew a little hard to subdue? No offence, but these two don't look that strong. There's no way they could've done it by themselves," Lara suggests. Steiner opens his mouth to steal my thunder, but Dagger beats him to the punch.

"The crew wasn't exactly…" she stops to look at Vivi, who is halfway buried in a toy chest. "Human."

Lara's interest becomes piqued at this. She raises her eyebrows and forms the words with her lips before she actually speaks them. "If they weren't human, then what were they?"

"…"

"…"

Nobody knows what to say. Should we spill the secret that they were creatures resembling Vivi or not?

"They were black mages," I finally confess. "They look kind of like Vivi, but he's not one of them. I know him too well."

Dagger and Zidane look at me like I just joined Brahne's forces. Geez, guys. It's going to get out sooner or later. Better to be honest about it.

"Very well, continue."

"You see," Dagger stutters as she draws her attention away from me and back to the other woman. "Shortly after taking control of the airship, we were attacked by one of the Turks. He didn't say anything, but I recognized the suit from the one that attacked us back in Dali. However this one was bald instead of…"

"Wait!" Lara interrupts with a raised hand. She leans forward with one of those looks one her face that can't be described with words. "You were attacked before? How many times?"

"Once."

"Twice."

Dagger and Zidane stare at each other. So, he never told her about Elena. You'd have thought that they'd have discussed something during their alone time. Hunting down Vivi, I mean. Unless they snuck off to be together after everyone went to sleep back in Mist Valley, but I seriously doubt that. Meh.

"We were attacked and you didn't say anything?" Dagger asks with a hint of ferocity in her voice that catches the attention of the MCoDs. Quietly, I soothe them back to dulcetness with promises of better bloodshed in the future. I swear, sometimes they're not worth the trouble. Maybe they should be clipped off while I'm in civilization.

"Ow!"

"What is it this time, Princess?" Zidane asks in a you're-annoying-me-but-I'll-forgive-you-for-getting-me-out-of-this-situation voice. "Did you break a nail?"

"Actually…" It sounds crazy, I know, but I have a deep scratch on my right forearm. I think the MCoDs attacked _me_!

"No changing the subject," Dagger insists as she grabs Zidane's arm and pulls him in rather close. "When were we attacked? Was it when everyone fell asleep in Ice Cavern?"

"Yeah. Some crazy blonde chick jumped me and the Princess over there." Zidane jerks a thumb in my direction. Yet, I don't feel insulted. The MCoDs do grow excited at the memory of Elena, though. "I took her out, though. He just said that she had a bad dye job."

Wow. I never thought a room could ever get this silent or that Dagger and Lara Croft could achieve eyes that big. Must have been something he said. No, wait. Those eyes are trained on me like a sniper laser. Something tells me that it may have been something I said.

"You… you actually told a woman that she had a bad dye job?" Dagger inquires in a hushed voice. Geez, she's acting like I shot George Bush. (A/N: Secret Service/FBI/Homeland Security, I am not threatening the life or the president, nor would I ever advocate any physical harm to him. Okay, now that that's out of the way, back to the story.)

"Are you insane? She could have killed you!" Lara adds.

"She came pretty close!" Zidane laughs and slaps me on the back. I fall face-first to the floor, which seems very familiar. Well, two can play that game.

"I know," I chuckle as I sit back up. "But at least I wasn't taken out by a dude with a mullet." To finish it up, I push him into Steiner's legs. There's a rattling as Steiner becomes aware of the offence taken against him.

"You think you can attack _me_? Nobody attacks Adelbert Steiner without retribution!" he shouts as he leaps on Zidane. They roll across the floor in some kind of struggle to see just which one will end up on top. My money is on Steiner.

Basking in my revenge, I scoot into Zidane's old place beside Dagger. "So, where were we?"

"Gwok! Release me I say!" a thin and raspy voice orders.

"Look at what I found," Vivi says as he does that waddle/walk over to Dagger, Lara, and me. You know, us girls. He's really excited, something that I thought I'd never see in him again. "It can talk and everything!"

"I said, gwok, let me go!" he voice commands again. It's closer than it was now. Where could it be coming from?

"Vivi… What do you have there?" I ask, afraid that I already know the answer.

He thrusts himself in between the princess duo and Lara, looking back and forth between us. "I found it hiding in with the stuffed animals!"

Did he just say hiding? If it were an inanimate object, he would have said hidden. N, it was definitely hiding. That must mean that it is alive. If Vivi has something alive in his hands, and I'm hearing a disembodied voice, then that means he has something that can talk. The only thing that size capable of speech is…"

Vivi opens his hands and I scream as this yellowish-brown bug comes flying at me. I don't care if he's the regent of Lindblum, bugs are GROSS!

"Gah!" I cry as I swat Cid away and run for the door. Unfortunately, Zidane and Steiner get in my way. Being the klutz that I am, I fall right in with them.

"Nice going, Princess," Zidane shouts as he pushes Steiner away with his feet. "See what you've gone and made Rusty do?"

Oops. Did I mention that during their fight, Zidane and Steiner somehow managed to tip over every cradle and toy chest in the room?

"Are they always like this?" Lara asks Dagger. The Tomb Raider puts her head in her hands and looks right at me.

"Pretty much, yeah," Dagger answers.

"The patience you must have."

The oglop jumps flies from the floor to Lara's shoulder. She doesn't even so much as flinch.

"I recognize that moustache. Is that you, Uncle Cid?"

"Gwok! Yes, it's me. An evil, gwok, magician snuck the castle, gwok, when I was asleep and put, gwok, me under a spell," the insect explains.

Steiner draws his sword and points it at me. "You! You and the monkey had something to with this! Confess, criminals. Admit what ailment you have put upon the regent!"

"They could not have done it," Lara says sharply. "They clearly hold neither the skill nor the intelligence to pull off such a thing."

Okay, that one did offend me. People can, and often do, call me a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them.

"I can, gwok, attest to that!" Cid offers from his perch on Lara. Nasty, Regent! Nasty! That's what you get for sleeping around. You're lucky they don't have herpes here, or you'd be broken out so often that you wouldn't be able to walk straight. Heck, you're not even that good looking! Nasty, buggy, regent Cid guy. What is a regent, anyway?

"Hey!" Zidane claims in outrage. So, I'm not the only one offended. Good. "You can't talk about me like that. Princess, here, feel free. But I'm the great Zidane Tribal."

The great moronic monkey is more like it. If one of us is stupid, it's you, not me. "Don't make me sic Steiner on you again."

"Shut up."

"You shut up!"

"Are they always like this?" Cid asks.

"Pretty much," Dagger tells him.

Lara claps her hands to get everyone's attention. "Why don't we all get something to eat? Cook is preparing dinner for everyone right now. Sorry, erm… what's your name again?"

Since she's looking at me, I guess she's talking to me. "Rick."

"Yes. I'm sorry, but we don't have very many vegetarian dishes available. As far as I know, you're only the second one to visit the castle."

"There's another vegetarian out there somewhere?" That's actually very exciting news to me. If there is another vegetarian here, then that means that Gaia isn't completely unlike Earth. Maybe I can get all of the necessities after all! You know, things like tofu, cashmere, and double mocha lattes. Fine, I can live without the latte, but there had better be some killer scarves out there!

A smile crosses her face. "It was a young man. Very handsome. We offer him some Zahgnol, but he turned us down faster than we could have ever anticipated. His name escapes me now, but he's one of the painters residing in Lindblum."

"Hmm, if weren't for the paint thing and the no eating meat," Zidane ponders. "That guy sounds a lot like someone I know."

"Really? Who?" I ask. This is so exciting. A kindred spirit, right here on Gaia!

"Who else? Me!"

After picking myself up from the floor from my faceplant, I look around and notice that many of the others did the same. "Gee, Honey. Are we conceited much?"

"What? I'm handsome and I live in Lindblum."

"Forget it," Dagger says as she stands and stretches. "I'm hungry. Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Very, gwok, well," Cid mutters. "Will we see you in the dining hall, Rick?"

I shake my head in response. "Nah. I'm just going to try to find some place in town."

"Me too," Zidane throws in. "No offence, but royal food is just a tad too rich for me."

Everyone else stands up and we begin shuffling towards the door. "Rick?"

"Yes, Minister Croft?"

"You might want to change before you leave. Did you bring any clothes with you?"

Suddenly, I remember the bag that's been at my side this whole time. It's amazing those thugs didn't take it away. "Yeah, I'm good. You guys go on ahead. I'll get someone to show me the way out."

"I grew up here. Don't worry. His royal highness is safe with me," Zidane throws out as he leans against a wall. He waves everyone off, and when they all pass through the door and the last, Steiner, closes it, he looks at me with a smile. "What are you waiting for? I promise I won't watch."

"Afraid you might like what you see?" I add flippantly as I open the top flap on my satchel.

It takes a few moments for me to change, but when I finish I notice that Zidane actually has his back turned. Ever the gentleman. I can't believe he kept his word. With the show I got in Dali, I definitely would've peeked. Actually, I'm a bit different here. Not necessarily bulging with muscles, though. I'm just a little slimmer and my muscles are a tad more developed. Though that could just be from the last couple days.

"Boo!" I shout after creeping up on Zidane. He jumps and then swerves around angrily until he catches sight of me.

"Wow, Princess." He scratches the back of his head and looks me over. "That outfit actually makes you look pretty good. Not as good as me, but still decent."

"Thank you?"

It's true, though. Something magical happens when you put on fresh clothing. My arms feel freer, and I think I actually smell better. Plus, there's no yellow stain to worry about. Of course, I had to undo the first three buttons to give the people what they came to see.

"Ready to go?"

"Like an old man in a laxative factory."

Then comes the look. Not the look that shows he think my joke is stupid, but the one that shows he doesn't get it. What have you gotten yourself into this time, Rick?

"What is laxative?"

No. Frickin'. Way. What kind of world is this? I may have to explain a lot of things to these guys, but one of them will not be laxatives. No way. That is just wrong. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

"Princess?"

"Forget it, Honey," I laugh as I throw my arm around his shoulder. "Let's blow this Popsicle stand."

"What's a Popsicle?"

"Nothing."

He smacks me in the back of the head, but not terribly hard. "You are so weird."

"Yep," I say as I lean in close and bat my eyes at him. "That's why you love me."

"You wish!" He laughs and pulls me into noogies. Oh, my poor hair. In all of the excitement, I'd completely forgotten. I'll have to get something done to it while we're here. There's no way I'm traveling the world with this hideous cut. I'd rather die!

With that, we make our way back through the hall of people and pictures. When we return to the big centre room thing where we first met "Minister Croft," I notice that the guards have changed. A shift change, perhaps?

"Hey, Princess?"

"What, Honey?" I ask as I mess with the strands of hair I have left. This really is sad.

He shifts kind of nervously. I notice because it's very obvious. You should know by now that it would have to take something very big to get me off track. I'm just so focused, so direct. I'm kind of like that guy from Monk. Not all germ phobic and crazy, but incredibly intense. You know who else is intense? Brad Pitt. Sure, he's pretty, but there's just something about him. You can see it in his eyes, his cheeks, his lips… What was I talking about again?

"Is anyone home?" Zidane yells in my ear. In response, I scream and jump around, drawing all kinds of stares.

"Geez, you didn't have to scream," I pout after I finally settle down. He could have really hurt my ears. Do I need to be deaf in addition to Steiner's maiming of me? Oh, poor hair, I hardly knew ye…

"Come on. We'll catch the air cab to the Theatre District before getting something to eat. There's this place I know in the Industrial District, The Doom Pub, which serves this awesome soup. There's no meat in it, so it'd be perfect for you. Plus, there's this really cute waitress there. That way, we both win."

"Why do we have to go to the Theatre District?"

"I just have a quick errand to run," he says with both a lowered voice and a lowered head. Oh, right. He's probably going to go to see if Baku and the rest of Tantalus have made it back yet. I know they haven't, or they shouldn't have, but that doesn't make me feel better. Sure, they're all weird and some of them have an odour, but they were great to me when I was around them. Most people aren't like that. The number of times I've been flippantly dismissed is so overwhelming that it would take those math guys hundreds of years just to count that high.

The walk to the air cab station is rather uneventful, so I won't bore you with the details about it. However, the air cab itself is to die for. I'm not kidding. On the outside, it looks exactly like it does in the game. The inside is another story. It has comfortable seats, trashcans with lids, and an attendant who cleans around the people whenever it's moving. Only four or five people can ride it at a time, but, apparently, it's not that big of a deal. Most of the people work in the same district they live in and vice versa. The only ones that travel regularly are palace staff (people fetching things from the various districts, since there is apparently servant quarters in the castle itself), tourists, and people going to the Theatre District. The shows are only performed at night, and it's only mid-afternoon now, so I guess we're still awhile away from having to worry too much about that.

"We have arrived in the Theatre District," the attendant announces as the air cab comes to smooth halt. Geez, you'd think that we could come up with public transportation like this in America. At the very least, the richest nation in the world could find a not to make the buses smell like urine.

Zidane pays the fare (it's only five Gil apiece, so I'm not complaining) and we step off. I can see the clock tower in the distance, which is really the hang/hideout for Tantalus. The old man is sitting on his bench and feeding the pigeons. Hmm… Maybe the game isn't so unreliable.

"Can you wait here for me?" Zidane asks. "I would bring you along, but it's top-secret."

"Whatever, Honey."

"Thanks for understanding, Princess. I'll be right back." Zidane claps me on the shoulder, which I manage to stay upright for, and runs off.

I spend my time sitting next to the old man and watching the birds, each one stupider than the last, peck at the bread, themselves, and each other. All the while, old guy just keeps tossing breadcrumbs from a wrinkly paper bag.

"Hey could someone help me?" a voice calls out. Glad for a break from Lindblum's favourite pastime, I look around and see a guy standing near the door to a building that looks about as tall as him. In his arms are a lot of parcels, the old-fashioned kind that's wrapped in brown paper and tied together with twine.

"What do you need?" I ask as I jog over. I was getting kind of bored, and Zidane's been taking awhile. At least I'll get to meet someone interesting.

"Opening the door would be a great start," he grunts from somewhere underneath the weight of his packages. Taking pity on the poor man, I do ask he says before grabbing some of the stuff off the top. "Be careful when you first go in. there's a set of stairs just to the right when you go through the door that you have to take. Otherwise, it's a straight fall of about ten feet.

That sounds awfully familiar. Wasn't there a minor character with a house set up like that? Was it the guy with the thing for collecting cards?

He tells me to put the stuff anywhere, so I search for a clean place on a nearby table. Really it's hard to find a clean place anywhere in here. There's paint and some kind of dried up mud all over the concrete floor, not to mention all of the crumpled up paper.

"Thanks, man," he says with his back to me as he bends over to put what he has in his arms onto the floor. Believe me, I'm complaining. Still, I guess he doesn't really care about keeping new things as clean as I do. Then again, his place says a lot about his personality. "If you hadn't helped me, no one would have."

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

Then he turns around. If I ever met a guy this good-looking on earth, I definitely would have remembered it. He has black hair, just enough facial hair to give him that scruffy look, and every inch of his face is perfect. (A/N: Basically, whenever I think of this character, I picture Hal Sparks from _Queer as Folk_, though other people may know him from the VH1 "I Love the insert decade" series or his third place finish on Fox's _Celebrity Duets_. He is just pretty.)

"This is a pretty snobby part of town. That old man out there never talks to me, and the actors all think they're better than me just because I'm an artist. Really, if the rent on this studio weren't so cheap, I'd just live in the Industrial District." He catches the rather clueless look on my face before laughing and offering me his hand. "I'm Michael, and you are?"

"Glad I'm not an actor," I say with a smile. "Rick."

"Hello, Rick. What brings you here to this part of Lindblum? The plays don't start for another four or five hours, and you don't seem like one of those Lowell stalkers."

Am I really talking to this guy? There is no way we are conversing. The self-proclaimed artist Michael from the game was some buffoon with no talent, but this guy is so cute! He's so far out of my league that I'd reach Mars, or, in this case, Terra, before even coming close to his stature.

"My friend is running an errand. He's supposed to take me to this place that supposed to be vegetarian friendly when he's done, but I'm a little suspicious."

"You're a vegetarian, too!" Michael exclaims. "I've never met another one!"

Okay, this day just went from totally crappy to totally awesome in about five minutes. I'm in Lindblum, with a cute guy, and we're both vegetarians. The only thing that could make it better is if Dolly Parton were here to serenade us.

"You're going to have to cancel your plans, because there is no place in this town that would serve people like us. Let me make us some salads, and you can get a rain check from your friend. I've been dying to meet someone that I have something in common with. People haven't been too friendly to me since I moved here from Alexandria five years ago. Besides, I need to pay you back for helping me."

Was I just invited to dinner? Is this a date? Hoo boy, I'm either lucky or crazy. Meh, why not both? You're all thinking the latter anyway.

"Sure."

He grabs a knife from the floor and cuts the twine on one of the parcels. "Can you clean off the sofa for me? It's over there in the corner."

Indeed, underneath a layer of ruined canvases I find an old sofa covered with worn orange velvet. It's also missing a leg and is being propped up by a bad painting of a jar of pickles. Okay, so Michael is still a hack with no talent. No big deal. So am I. At least, that's what my art teacher always told me. She never was as bad as my gym teacher, though. I wonder if he even cares that I'm gone.

"Do you like pickles?" I ask as I open my satchel and pull out my two jars of the things. Lindblum pickles are supposed to stink, but I've yet to even get a whiff of foul odour from these things.

"In my salad? No way!" Michaels blurts as he turns around with a clean knife in one hand and a tomato in the other. "Oh. Um, yeah. They're okay. What kind are those?"

"Lindblum pickles," I answer as I twist the lid off one of the jars.

"Don't!" he shouts, but it's too late. Oh, the stench! Not even my dog with the bladder problems smells this bad. It's like fish, cat poo, and Britney Spears perfume all mixed together.

I twist the lid back on the jar and start coughing. Michael grabs my wrist and leads me up the stairs and out of his studio. "I am so sorry. I bought them earlier, and I'd never had Lindblum pickles before. I didn't know that they…"

"It's okay," Michael laughs as he wipes his eyes. "I remember the first time I opened a jar of Lindblum pickles. I actually vomited on that old man."

He points to the old guy with the birds and I start laughing too. We're leaning on each other for support and gasping for breath by the time Zidane comes back. It only took him twenty minutes. Right back, my behind.

"Can I ask what's so funny?" he inquires in a disapproving tone. I look over at him and he responds with shock. "Princess? I didn't know that was you!"

"Then who were you talking to, Honey?"

"Honey? Princess?" Michael stops laughing and looks between Zidane and me with confusion.

"Who's talking to you?" Zidane asks Michael rather rudely. "Did I say 'untalented wannabe, is that you'?"

"They're just nicknames," I assure Michael. Then I turn on Zidane. What is up with his behaviour? Why is he being so mean to Michael? "What is up with you?"

"You don't want to waste your time with this, believe me. There's a reason nobody in this district likes him. Come on, let's go try that soup."

"No!" I shout, confused by the sudden change. What the heck is going on? Michael told me that the actors didn't like him, but Zidane's not one of them. Sure, he didn't like me either when we first set out together, but we grew to be good friends. Surely he would offer Michael the same courtesy. "Not until you tell me what he did wrong."

"Just go, Rick," Michael says in defeat. "It's not worth it."

"Princess, he's just a poser. He moved here and started calling himself an artist even though he has zero talent. He acts like we're all beneath him, like we can't understand his abilities when he doesn't have any!"

"That's…" I say in disbelief. "That's so stupid! He is making me dinner. I'm going to stay here. Later, I'm going to check into the hotel. Will I see you there?"

"Probably," the thief answers in surprise.

"Then we'll discuss this later." Finished with the conversation, I grab Michael's hand and walk back into his apartment, despite the lingering pickle funk. Really, when did this whole thing start between Zidane and Michael? I haven't known him long, but he seems like a great guy to me. Besides, when I asked what he did wrong, Zidane couldn't really tell me anything. Was it just some weird form of peer pressure that made him dislike the artist, or did they get into a fight of some sort?

"Thanks," Michael says when sit on his sofa, mindful of the fact that one of the legs isn't exactly attached or even a real leg. "Umm, are things going to be okay with you two?"

"I don't see why not. Zidane and I just had a fight. We'll clear the air and move on. It is kind of what we do." Fine, I'm exaggerating a little. The only fight we've really had is when I pulled his tail, and I had to practically beg for his forgiveness.

"Do you still want that salad?" Clearly, he's at a loss of just what to say. I mean, I picked him, a stranger, over my friend. That won't make things easy for anyone involved.

"Yeah, I'll take a salad," I smile.

Michael walks back over to his groceries and starts cutting them up again, and I'm content just watching. I never really realized how much I appreciate quiet moments until I lost them. Ever since coming to Gaia, it's been one thing after another. Escaping Alexandria, escaping Evil Forest, fighting the Mist monsters, fighting Steiner… the list just goes on and on. Now, I'm just sitting here watching a stranger make me a salad and I'm happy. I'm really happy.

"So, you never told me what you were doing in Lindblum," Michael says when he sits back down and hands me a bowl. It's clearly homemade, and all lumpy in places, but that doesn't really matter. What is important is the food. FOOD! I finally get to eat! Yippee! Yay! Yahoo! Other exclamations that begin with 'Y!'

"Oh, I'm just visiting," I say as I try to keep my excitement down as I take my first bite of the meal before me. Oh my… The tomatoes are so juicy, and the lettuce is so crisp. This has to be the most delicious thing that I have ever tasted.

"Are you here for the Festival of the Hunt?" he asks as he readjusts his seating position to watch me closely. Seriously, it's like my answer to this question will decide his entire opinion of me or something.

I shake my head in disagreement. "No way. I'm not a fighter. Besides, there's something that's just wrong about breeding monsters just to kill them. It's sad enough when people have to do it in order to defend themselves. DO we really need to celebrate the slaughter of animals?"

To emphasize my point, I take another bite of my salad.

Suddenly, Michael's face loses all of its seriousness and is replaced by a huge grin. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. My first year here was the first time that I'd heard about it. I staged a protest by chaining myself to the light pole outside in an attempt to shut it down. It didn't work, but I think that's why most of the people here don't like me."

That is so cool. I participated in a protest once. They were thinking of turning our mall into a haven of discount shops, but there was no way I was going to give up all of that retail space without a fight. What good is small business if I don't have access to my music and clothes?

"Well, I like you," I offer as I finish my salad. "If that's any consolation."

"You seem pretty cool," Michael admits as he takes my bowl and stands up. "You want anymore?"

"No thanks."

"You're not leaving, are you?" he asks.

His neediness is so cute. "No, I like talking to you."

"I like talking to you, too," he laughs as he sets the bowls on one of the many tables. He walks over to what I'm guessing is a cooler and pulls out two glasses and a bottle of red liquid. Is planning on getting me drunk?

"Do you like grape juice?"

Guess not.

"Yeah." I answer. Michael fills both glasses, which _aren't_ homemade, and brings them over.

"I would offer you some wine," he says as he sits down beside me and hands me a glass, "but you look like you're too young and I know that I am definitely too poor for it. All of my money goes to my art."

"What's your specialty?"

"Painting is my love, but my drawings are the reason I moved out here. Everyone said that I had too much talent to let it go to waste in Alexandria. Plus, all of my family dies years ago in some fire or something. Nobody would tell me what actually happened."

That's so sad. "I'm so sorry," I say as I lay a hand on his arm. "We don't have to talk about it."

"It's not that big of a deal. I was only four and sleeping over at a friend's when it happened." Michael takes a sip of his grape juice and nudges me in the chest with his elbow. "Drink up."

I oblige and take some of the liquid into my mouth. Wow! It's so sweet, yet not overly so. This has to be one of the best things that I've ever had.

"Can I ask a question?" I pose as I adjust my position on the couch so that I'm facing the young man. "How old are you?"

"Hmm," Michael wonders as he closes his eyes. Even in deep thought, he's gorgeous! How is he not married? "I'm probably thirty, but it's been awhile since I've actually added it up. Age doesn't really matter anymore. All I have to look forward to is another day at the Alice's shop and coming home to paint."

"Maybe I can change that," I say as I take another drink of the juice. Thirty! That's thirteen years older than me. thirty has never looked so good. "I'm a personal friend of royalty. Perhaps I can convince her to hire you to paint her new room or something."

Michael's eyes light up at very mention of paint. "Really? I would love that. To actually have my art inside of the castle again."

"Again?"

His eyes dim slightly, but Michael still looks a little happy. "Yeah. I was the guest of the royal family here in Lindblum a few months after I showed up. My drawings had come into the possession of one of the regent's children and she was very excited about it. They hired me to paint her room, and even put me up and fed me. Things didn't end so well, though. As I'm sure you can tell from all of this trash around you, I'm not much of a painter."

"Hey, you don't have to be good at something to love it," I say with an awkward smile. Michael is a great guy and all, but he's just dumping all of this on me. Must be because he's lonely. If Zidane indicative of the locals' behaviour, then it's no wonder. Why they would treat him like that is beyond me, though. He's so sweet and kind, not to mention hot. Really, just look at the man! My tongue would be on the floor if this were a cartoon instead of whatever it is.

"How would you know?" he mutters darkly. "Look at you. You're wearing brand new clothes. You're probably just some noble who wandered into town to gawk at the poor people. You don't know anything about suffering."

Hmm, this could be why Zidane and the others don't like him. However, I grew up with a brother who me into headlocks on a regular basis just to see if he still could. It'll take more than a bad attitude to scare me off. You have to have a large weapon, too. That's the only reason Steiner scares me. if he didn't have that sword and those large, meaty hands, then he'd be perfectly harmless. All I would have to do is berate him until he crumbled like a bench under two American's from the heartland who think dieting consists of eating four porkchops instead of six. Disgusting, really.

"I know more abut suffering than you realize," I answer with a small voice. "I know how it feels to have everyone look down on you: strangers, people you thought were your friends, your own family. The way they speak to you as though you don't matter, like you're trash. The scum of the earth. You cry yourself to sleep at night and you can't tell anyone why because they _are_ the reason why. Yeah, I know suffering. Maybe I haven't been as down and out as you, but I'm far from rich.

"The only reason I have new clothes is because my old clothes were filthy rags by the time I got to Lindblum. Besides, even if I were rich, you don't know me. You don't know anything about me. You're the one who doesn't know _my_ suffering."

A light comes into Michael's eyes, but it's not the same light as before. No, this is different. They're twinkling as he smiles. "Hold still, don't move."

"What?" Is it okay for me to be confused? Really, I have no idea what is going on here. Maybe I should have just left with Zidane. Things definitely would be a lot less complicated if I'd done that.

"I need to capture this image. Just a moment," Michael gasps excitedly as he leans over and starts searching for something on the floor. He surfaces seconds later with a pad of paper and a pencil.

"What are you doing?"

He gives me a big grin that I can't help but return. "The way you're sitting there, it just inspired me. Just sit absolutely still and don't move. This'll only take a second."

A second is really about ten minutes, but that's ten minutes in which I can watch Michael draw me. I can't really see what it is he's drawing, but every time I feel his eyes on me I can also feel my cheeks go red. This is so weird. This… this man is drawing me. ME! Sure, I'm always going on about gorgeous I am, but that's just being healthy. For him to want to draw me though, with this hideous hair, is something else, entirely.

"Are you done yet? I know I'm good-looking, but it isn't _that_ hard to capture my wonderful qualities on paper," I whine after another few minutes.

"Hold on," Michael says as he starts scribbling furiously with his pen. "I'm almost… done!"

"Let me see!"

The paper crinkles a little as I snatch it from his surprisingly loose grasp. After smoothing it out, I look it over. Whatever lack of talent he has where painting is concerned definitely does not translate to his drawing abilities. This is great. Sure, with me as a model, even a stick person would look good, but this is definitely some of the best work I've ever seen. What I know about art is limited to geometric shapes, shading, and other fancy terms that I have no idea what their meanings are, but this is awesome. The details are blurred slightly at the edges, and it was done with what looks like little scratches rather than one solid line. Never has such beauty been captured so finely on an artistic media. Even my professionally done photos can't come close to touching this!

"What do you think?" he asks self-consciously. He scratches the back of his head and looks away for fear of rejection. He's so cute when he's nervous. Then again, he's cute all the time.

"This is amazing," I whisper. "Is this what you really see when you look at me?"

"Well, yeah. You've actually been nice to me, even after I acted like such a jerk to you. Sorry I inferred that you're a spoiled nobleman." Michael bows his head with a hint of embarrassment.

Reassuringly, y hand runs up and down his arm. "You're forgiven. Now can I ask you a favour?"

"What?"

"It's getting late, and I kind of ticked off my guide. Do you know the way to the inn?"

Michael laughs a little. It's an amazing thing to hear. "Yes, I know where the inn is. It's the only one in town, surprisingly. I guess a lot of visitors stay with family or friends when they come here, because it's never full."

Come to think of it, why would Zidane be staying at the inn? Wasn't he living with his buddies at the Tantalus hideout? Unless he thinks that because he "quit" he can't stay there. Most likely, his friends' memories are getting to him. He does have some sort of flashback when you enter for the time, doesn't he? Or is it one of those weird little movie things the game has. Meh, it's not important. He does talk to theose little kids, though. That much I do remember.

"Could you take me there?"

Normally, I'd just ask for directions, but the thought of Zidane feeling alone makes me suddenly realize just how alone I am. Nothing from my old life is here: none of my friends, my family, or even my dog with the bladder problems. I guess I just want some companionship or something. It's already dark out, and I'm in a strange city full of people and things that I don't know. Gilgamesh, Alleyway jack, or whatever that pickpocket's name is could be out there waiting to mug me.

"No problem. It's cold out because of the Mist, so you might want to wear this," Michael advises as he throws me a black jacket. It's kind of scratchy and way too big for me, but I put it on anyway. "For some reason, the Mist is thicker at night. The last thing I need is for my new friend to get sick and die."

Friend? That's a little sudden. We've only known each other a couple of hours. Then again, he has sketched me and fed me and, if you count the jacket, clothed me already, so I guess friend is a good way to put it.

"I'm not dieing anytime soon. There are too many things out there waiting to be bought," I joke. "Thanks for everything you've done tonight."

"Don't worry about it. You helped break up some of the monotony in my life," he assures me. We head up the steps and, as soon as I open the door, I realize just how dark it is out. I can barely see a thing. The jacket Michael gave me is coming in handy, too, because it's really cold. I may not be able to see much, but my own breath is one thing that I can. "Aren't you glad I live so close to the air cab station?"

As a joke, we run to the station like there's something chasing us, looking back and crying out before throwing a little burst of speed into the mix. It's immature, I know, but it's fun. There hasn't been too much of that lately. Well, that's not true. I've had a lot of fun, but this something more. Exuberance, perhaps?

The station is lit inside and rather warm, too. It must have to be so that the controls don't freeze up. If it's like this now, how cold do the nights get during the winter?

"Tow tickets to the Business District," Michael asks the woman at the ticket booth. She gives him a dirty as he fumbles around his pockets for the money to pay for them.

"I've got it," I say as I reach into my satchel and grab the cashbox. I hand the woman the appropriate amount of money, how I could it in all of those bills is beyond me, and she hands me two tickets in return before pressing a red button, presumably to call for the air cab.

"You have money? I thought you said that you weren't part of the nobility. Or are you royalty?" Michael asks as he watches my inconspicuous bag swing at my side as we take our seats.

"Believe me, I have about as much royal or noble blood as you do," I laugh. "I just stumbled upon an old antique of some sort during my travels and this old scholar guy bought it off me for a hefty price."

"Oh."

Now there's an awkward silence. I'm sure he thinks I'm lying to him, which I am. What could I tell him? The truth is that I don't know where the money came from. All I have is that some woman in a white dress left it for a guy who is wearing the bangle that just happens to be on my arm. There's no real evidence that it's even my money. It was all a fluke.

Michael and I avoid each other's eyes until the air cab comes to a stop. I stand first, but, apparently, it's not done moving and I get thrown into his lap. How clichéd. I thought this kind of thing only happened in romance novels or sappy movies. There is no way this is actually happening to me.

"Um, are you going to get up anytime soon?" Michael asks with one of _those_ voices. You know the one I'm talking about.

"Sorry," I laugh nervously as I climb to my feet and practically jump through the door that's been open for who knows how long.

Meanwhile, Michael just gives me one of his grins that make me want to melt. Seriously, even if his neighbours don't like him, how is this guy still single? I mean, back on earth, girls would be lining up for the privilege of throwing themselves at him. Lucky imaginary broads.

"Here you are," Michael states moments later as we huddle outside the inn. There are warm lights on inside that are practically inviting me to enter. "I'll see you around sometime, then?"

He sounds sad that things actually have to end. I'm not exactly ecstatic about it, that's for sure.

"Definitely," I nod and give him a hug of appreciation.

"Thanks for hanging out with me, I guess." Then he leans in and kisses me on the cheek.

I just stand there stunned as he runs back to the air cab station with a backwards wave and one last smile. That was definitely unexpected.

"Hey, Princess! Is that you?"

The sound comes from the inn behind me, so I turn around and see Zidane hanging out a window and looking very tired. "Get in here already. I already paid for your butt, so get it in gear!"

With one last look at the direction Michael ran off in, a pull his coat tighter around me and smile as I grab the doorknob to the inn.

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A/N: Wow, just under 11,000 words. This is a marathon of a chapter if I've seen one. Written in less than a week, too. It started off really strong, but I feel the whole Michael bit could have been written better, and the fight between Rick and Zidane felt a little forced. What's important, though, is your opinion, not mine.

For those of you who are confused as to just who Michael is, I suggest you reacquaint yourself with your FFIX game. He's a minor character that really doesn't have any artistic talent. Also, no whining from you ZidanexRick fans out there. I told you that this would be coming awhile back. Chapter two or three, if I remember correctly.

Anyway, there will a lot taking place in Lindblum, so be sure to pay special attention to what happens, because this is weird my trademark plot weirdness starts to kick in.


	11. Before the Ball

Chapter 11: Before the Ball

A/N: I promised you weirdness, and you're about to get it. You just have to wallow through all of the other goodies sprinkled in this chapter. There will be plenty of jokes, bonding between Rick and Dagger, and even more shopping!

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There's a loud knocking sound. It pulls me from a pleasant dream where I'm given a million dollars and am told to raid Barney's. What a wonderful dream.

"Could someone else get that?" I whine as I pull a pillow over my head to block out the sunlight. Last night when I got into the room, Vivi was already asleep and Zidane was feeling pretty grumpy so we didn't talk. Instead, he just climbed into bed and went to sleep. I was wired, though. So I decided I would just tire myself out by reading one of those books I stole from the Inn back in Dali. It was the one based around FFVIII, because that is really my favourite of the series. Not necessarily because of the plot or the characters or even the weapons. Nah, I liked the GFs and the fighting system. After Disk 2 is over, GFs are pretty much worthless as summons, but there abilities are awesome. Diablos and his Mug and No Encounters abilities really came in handy. Also, I fell in love with Quistis, the tortured Instructor. Her Blue Magic is really the only time it's useful in the games that I've played. No offence to Quina.

However, no one answers the door and the sound continues to drive me crazy. I would just ignore whoever it is and act like no one is here, but that won't work because I'm sure that the nut heard my voice already.

With groggy intentions, I sit up and notice that I'm the only one in the room. Vivi and Zidane's beds are already made. There isn't even a note on the nightstand. It's not that I expected one from the little kid, but Zidane I did. Even if we're fighting, he still should be responsible.

"Zidane's not here," I grumble as I open the door. How did his stupid friends even find out that he's staying here? Oh, right, there was all of that time we spent apart when I was Michael's last night. My monkey-tailed friend probably went to the pub, met up with Freya, and got really plastered. His sentence weren't strung together very well last night when I got to the room. That could have just been a side-effect of the exhaustion, though.

"I know that. He told me you would be here."

Well, this is interesting. Rather than one of the Tantalus guys (I still don't know for sure that they're not in Lindblum, remember), Michael, or even my mysterious woman in the white dress, I find myself face-to-face with Dagger. Dagger came to the room that I share with Zidane with me as her target. Something seems wrong here. Weren't we on the verge of pulling each other's hair out yesterday?

"What do you want?" I ask with barely concealed suspicion. After all, in the game, Dagger wasn't allowed to leave the castle. Yet, here she is, talking to me.

She gives me a smile and does this weird little curtsy thing. I say weird mostly because she's wearing pants. "There is going to be a ball at the castle tonight. It's invitation only, so I'm inviting you."

Huh? We're in FFIX. There is no ball in FFIX. That's FFVIII's thing. Plus, I think Dagger is doing the flirty Rinoa thing. Is she asking me to the ball? As her date? Oh, my head hurts. I think I need to sit down.

Let me try to get this straight. I meet what appears to be a great guy in Michael, get into a fight with Zidane, and the end result is the princess trying to pick me up. The only place this would make sense is whatever world Britney Spears is living in. Everybody knows that Sharon Stone is the only woman in Hollywood that's allowed to do crotch shots.

"Are you okay, Rick? I mean, everyone is going to be there: Zidane, Vivi, me. Steiner's going to be there, too, but just as security. Zidane's even bringing someone," she says in an attempt to convince me to come.

"Balls aren't really my thing." No laughing, you perverts. "A lot of pretentious nobles getting together to badmouth commoners like me? No thanks."

Dagger shakes her head and tries one last thing. "You can bring someone, too! What about that printer guy Zidane told me about?"

Printer guy? Do I know a printer guy?

"Oh, you mean Michael. He's a _painter_, not a printer," I laugh. "Sure, I'll come. When is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"What time does the ball begin?" Am I speaking in some kind of code?

"Sundown. All social functions begin then. I thought you knew that," she says with a puzzled look. Then she brushes it off and grabs my arm. "Anyway, let's get going. We have a lot to do."

A failed attempt to jerk my arm out of her grip later, I find myself asking what she means by 'we.' Seriously, she has a grip like steel, this girl.

"Don't you want to spend the day with me getting pampered and shopping?" she poses at the first sign of my resistance. How can a man stand up to that?

"Okay, let's go." So I crumbled. Big deal.

I step out the door and find that Dagger isn't alone. She's actually with three other people, a blonde girl about our age, and two very familiar-looking men. One is in dark blue armour with a black sword at his side, and the other is in light blue armour with a spear in his right hand. The girl is the first to speak. "Hello, Rick. I'm Alma Beoulve. These are my guards, Cecil and Kain. It is very pleasant to meet you."

"Huh?" Alma? Cecil? Kain? Well, at least we're back into the Final Fantasies, but this whole thing is confusing the crap out of me. Are these people like me, aware that they're not supposed to be here, or am I alone in this?

Dagger elbows me in the ribs and I introduce myself back.

"Is he coming, Garnet?" Alma asks Dagger. It's weird to hear her referred to by her real name. Wait, these people are coming, too? Dagger never mentioned other people. Then again, she probably does have friends in Lindblum. "Is he going to be your date? He's cute."

The princess laughs and shakes her head. "No. Rick isn't interested in me. He's going to the ball with a friend of his, a painter. He is a painter, right? I don't want to get it wrong again."

How much weirder is this going to get? Well, weird isn't the word I want to use. Normal seems more appropriate. Is it weird that normal is weird? Ah, my head is hurting again. Stupid thinking.

"You're going to the ball with a painter?" Alma squeals. I can actually feel my right eyebrow rocket into the atmosphere. They're not acting like uptight royalty. They're being teenage girls.

"I haven't even asked him yet," I blush as I rub the back of my head. Geez, Michael and I just met yesterday. Is it even acceptable for me to be asking him to a formal event?

"I'm sure he'll say 'yes,'" Dagger assures me as she throws an arm over my shoulder. "Come on, Rick. We're going to go get our dresses. Maybe we'll find something for you, too. Then we're going to have our teeth cleaned, get our nails done, and finish with our hair. No offence, but you really do need a haircut."

Just so you know, she whispered that last part in my ear.

Cecil and Kain both give me dirty looks as Dagger and Alma each loop an arm of theirs through one of mine. That scares me. Not as much as the weapons, but it's up there.

"Where to first?" I ask after freshening up. Really, it just consists of straightening out the wrinkles in my shirt, grabbing my satchel, and downing a potion in hopes of good breath. It tasted like orange juice this time.

"I want to go to Alice's shop. It's right here in the Business District," Alma insists. "I promised Father that I would pick up some stuff."

"Really?" Dagger says with an air of annoyance. "Parents can be so controlling. Mother actually sent people after me when I was on my way here. As if Steiner wasn't bad enough."

"Don't I know," Alma adds. "Before she died, Mother would always make sure that my friends came from upstanding families. That's why I was always at the castle playing with Porom and Palom. Those two can be so annoying…"

That's pretty much how the conversation went the entire way to Alice's. It's actually refreshing to hear. There's no talk of escaping or alter egos, no name changing or weapons. It's just talk. Nothing more, nothing less. It seems like you forget that they're actually just teenagers when they're just videogame characters. When you interact with them, though, they actually do act their age. Now, if only I could figure out why Steiner won't do the same thing. He is such a big baby.

"Hello, welcome to Alice's. How may I be assistance?" a familiar voice greets when my little party enters the store. I look up to see Michael standing behind the counter with this frilly pink apron on overtop of a tight black shirt. Oh, he is gorgeous. Must. Put. Tongue. Back. In. Mouth. Why is he here, though? Wait a minute. He told me that he works here. That explains it.

Dagger has that same drooly look that Zidane got whenever he was near Lara. Alma isn't far behind her.

"Hey, Michael!" I call out as I bound over to him. "We came here looking for some stuff. What have you got on sale?"

"Umm, let me think," he says as he scratches at his chin. "The hair dye is half off, fingernail polish is twenty-percent off, and we're carrying a special item, Pearl Rogue, but it's rather expensive.

Is Alice's a beauty shop? Considering everything else going on in this messed up world, that wouldn't really be much of a surprise. Actually, it would be wonderful. It's a good thing Dagger said that we were getting our nails done. The MCoDs really don't fit the M part right now. They're all jagged and ugly.

"Thanks. Oh, one more thing: what are you doing tonight?"

He looks a little taken aback, but he looks cute he's taken aback. Heck, I'm sure he's cute when he's taken aside. Don't even get me started on his cute backside.

"I was just planning on doing some more painting. Why? Do you want to come over and hang out?"

As tempted as I am to say yes, I shake my head. "No. You see, there's this thing at the castle tonight, and I thought you might want come with me and hang out there."

"Me? The castle? I don't know if I'm comfortable with that." No, you are not arguing your way out of this one, boy. I stood up to Zidane for you. You owe me.

"But it won't be any fun without you," I pout as I give him big doe eyes. He's taken aback, which looks really cute on him. "Please?"

"Really, I don't think I have anything fancy enough for that. Besides…" he starts to argue until I give him the eyes again. "Fine, I'll try to meet you there. No promises, though."

Then I thank him, plant a kiss on his cheek, and bound back to the others. Dagger has this immensely jealous look on her face, and Alma is still staring at Michael. Oh yeah, I know, girlfriend. Believe me, I know.

"_That_ is your painter friend?" Dagger asks. I nod and her face gets even tighter. "But, he's so…"

"…Hot!" Alma finishes as she returns to reality. She turns to me and looks me over. "It's definitely going to take some work to get you up to snuff."

What's wrong with how I look? "Hey, I thought you said I was cute."

"Cute, and _that_," she points at an oblivious Michael for emphasis, "aren't even on the same planet. He could show up to this thing in a burlap sack and you still wouldn't look as good as he does."

"Gee, thanks," I respond sarcastically.

"Hey, don't get like that," Dagger says as she picks up a bottle of red hair dye in one hand and takes a handful of her own brown locks in the other. "What do you guys think?"

"It's totally you," I tell her. Brown is so boring. I really need to do something with mine. After it grows back that is. Sob.

"Definitely," Alma agrees.

"Fine, I'll get it," Dagger says. Then we all, meaning everyone but Cecil and Kain, start grabbing various beauty products. After Michael rings us up, I have added two bottles of white fingernail polish, one thing of grey eyeliner, some foundation, and a home manicure kit to my satchel. Dagger and Alma each got at least twice the stuff I did.

Next, we arrive at this small boutique known as Rinoa's. Guess who the owner is. That's right! The sorceress from FFVIII herself.

"How can I help you?" she asks when the three of us spill into the store. Cecil and Kain opted to wait outside with Dagger and Alma's stuff, you already know why mine wasn't a problem. At least, you should. You haven't been paying attention if you don't.

"We'd like some dresses for the ball tonight," Alma says as she points to Dagger and herself. Then she places he hands on my shoulders. I can literally feel my face heat up. "He needs something that will make him look fantastic. Price is no matter."

"I normally don't serve men…" Rinoa plods along thoughtfully before her eyes light up with inspiration. "Selphie! Xaio! Come here!"

The bubbly brunette and the cat-girl both show up. Why Rinoa would hire Dark Cloud's feline heroine is beyond me. She must shed something awful during the winter months, and that can't be good for the clothes. Still, I suppose she could keep mice from chewing the fabric to shreds. That train of thought isn't one that I'm very interested in pursuing, though.

"What is he doing here?" Selphie shouts accusingly when catches sight of me. "Did you catch him trying to peek at the customers? You pervert!"

Guess who the last statement was aimed at.

"No," Rinoa says sharply. I'd feel bad for Selphie if she hadn't just accused me of being a pervert. As it is, she can suffer. "He's a customer. Tell me, do we still have that special order from last year's ball?"

"Yes, Mistress," Xaio answers with a purr to her voice. There's something weird about the way she says Mistress, though. Probably something that I shouldn't question.

"Could one of you bring it out for the young man?"

Xaio runs off, leaving Selphie to help the girls find their dresses amongst the racks and racks of possibilities.

"So," I murmur in Rinoa's general direction. "What exactly is this special order? You're not selling me something used, are you?"

"Not exactly," the raven-haired woman answers with a sigh. "It was a special order by a client who never picked it up. You see, he was killed in an airship crash before he could pick it up. It smashed into the Doom Pub and he died on the toilet."

This is weirder than weird. Rinoa Heartilly is trying to sell me a dead man's clothes. Worse, a man who died on the john. Aren't retailers supposed to lie about these things when a customer asks?

"Umm, is it too late to cancel?"

She just gets this big grin on her face and shakes her head. "You won't want to after see it."

"Somehow I doubt that."

A couple of minutes later, Xaio arrives with something in a brown paper bag. "It is a little wrinkly, Mistress, but it is still clean."

"Good. Hand it here so that I can show the young man."

Who is she calling a young man? She's my age for crying out loud! She even looks my age, so it isn't a case of her being aged like Lara Croft.

As soon as the outfit is pulled out of the bag, though, all negative thoughts leave my mind. It's made of black silk with silver stitching on the pockets. It's a tux, yet it's just so much more. No suit in the world could ever match it. Who cares if it's former owner died taking a crap, I want it! Everything is as black as Rinoa's hair: the shirt, the tie, the jacket, and the pants. It doesn't come with shoes, but that's something I can worry about later. Right now, I just have to get this masterpiece!

"I'll take it. How much do you want?"

"It's three-and-a-half thousand Gil," Xaio tells. Who cares about the price? I reach into my satchel, count out the money, and hand it to Rinoa.

"The alterations are free. Xaio, would you please size this outfit for the young man? Sir, you can change in the back."

"Thank you," I gush as I take the clothes. No, that's too weak of a word for something this wonderful. Garments! That's it!

I'm led to the changing rooms by the cat-girl. There's tons of gorgeous dresses on the way, but my attention is held firmly by the outfit I hold in hands. Alma was definitely right. If I want to show up with someone as good-looking as Michael, I have to look my best. This outfit will do just that.

A few minutes later, I stand gazing at myself in the mirror as Xaio measures every bit of me with a roll of measuring tape. The arms are a little long, and the legs are just a tad too short, and it needs to be taken in at the waist, but I still look _good_. I don't know who bought this before me, but I'm glad he's dead. I would've killed him myself for it.

"Wow!"

I turn my head to see Alma and Dagger approaching the dressing rooms. The Princess has a burgundy dress with all kinds of frills gathered up in her arms, and Selphie is carrying Alma's caramel apple coloured number. I never thought that bright green and brown would go together well, but it seems to work.

"Thank you." I smile as the two girls look me over. This is one of the best days of my life.

"Would customer please look forward?" Xaio asks. Because I don't want to ruin the wonderfulness of the garments, I do as I'm asked.

Selphie asks Dagger if she'd like to change first, but she declines and lets Alma go. I suspect she wants to talk to me.

"So, Rick," she says as she takes a seat in a chair that's nearby. "How did you and Michael meet? How long have you known each other?"

Hmm, do I want to give away the banal details of our first encounter? "We met just yesterday, Gorgeous. I helped him carry some stuff into his apartment."

The cat is out of the bag now. I suppose I could have told her that we're old lovers and some more old lies, but it would have caught up with me rather quickly. Lies don't work well with me. I'm a little surprised that I've gotten away with what I've told them so far.

"So, you don't even know if he's like you?"

Like me? What is that supposed to mean? Please tell me that I'm not getting ready to have _that_ conversation. I hate _that_ conversation. Things didn't go over too well when I had it with my parents. I do not want to have it with Dagger. Aargh!

"Whatever do you mean? Of course, he's like me. We're both extremely attractive young men."

She just smiles at me and shakes her head. Whew, crisis avoided. That could have gotten complicated and ugly. Good thing I have brains as well as incredible good looks.

The rest of the time in the boutique is spent chatting. Nothing serious, like fluffy topics like guys and celebrities. Yes, they have celebrities here, too. Lowell is still big. I never really saw what people saw in him, but that could just be me. Alma is in love with him, though. She even admits to being a member of his fan club. Maybe I should tell her about the moogle costume. Better not. He might still be friendly with Michael, and that could put me in the doghouse. Just how friendly were they, though? I refuse to share with that egotistical prat. Prat? Since when am I British?

Alma does look amazing her dress. It matches her skin tone, and her blonde locks spilling against the fabric mesh rather well. Dagger, though, finds that her choice doesn't work out as well as she'd hope. The frills make her looks like an old lady, so she goes back to the drawing board with Selphie in accompaniment.

"How long have you known Garnet?" Alma asks when we're alone. Xaio had finished with my measurements and ran off after a sewing kit.

"Not too long," I reply. Really, it's been about four days, but my history in this world is a complete mystery so I don't know how long I've been a knight or anything. For all I know, Dagger and I could have some kind of lovechild out there in the world. I doubt it, but who knows? Weirder things have already happened. Remember me getting a date with an incredibly hot guy? Yeah, that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Back on earth, nobody would look twice at me. Here, though, I'm just a big sexpot. What? Hey, stop laughing!

"Have you met Ovelia, yet?"

Ovelia? As in the fake princess from FF Tactics, who falls in love with Delita and marries him, despite the fact that he punches her during their first meeting? Nah, I must be mistaken.

"No. Should I have?" I answer with what is my attempt at ease. Doesn't work too well, because Alma gives me this questioning glance that shows she doesn't believe me.

Then her voice drops to that gossip-whisper volume. "She is only Garnet's older sister. Well, half-sister. See, she's a bastard. Nobody is supposed to talk about her. She was shipped off to serve the church in Ascanthia so as to preserve the family dignity. Dagger's father had an affair with one of the servants and she died during the childbirth. I'm surprised you didn't know."

Dagger has a sister? An illegitimate sister? And I thought Cid the bug was nasty.

"Nobody really talked to me. It was all 'Rick do this! Rick, do that!' That's why I quit being a knight," I whisper back, though I don't really know why. Nobody is here to overhear us.

"You were a knight?" Alma exclaims in shock. Hey, it's not _that_ surprising! Seriously, what is with people? They never believe anything I say. It's like they think I'm a politician or something. "Who quits being a knight?"

Someone who doesn't like having overweight men in their thirties or forties, I forget how old Steiner is, yelling at them. Of course, I don't tell Alma this. Instead, I just tell her that I've recently undergone a spiritual transformation and that I believe violence is wrong. Too bad the MCoDs don't feel that way.

"What are you guys talking about?" Dagger asks when she shows up with another dress and Selphie in tow. "Is she talking your ear off, Rick? Alma has a tendency to do that."

"Did you know he's a knight?" Alma asks. "I mean, was a knight."

"I've known Rick for the past two years. He showed up in Alexandria penniless and Steiner took him in, made him a squire, and after about a year and a half of training, he joined the Knights of Pluto," Dagger tells her friend. Then she goes on to tell her a bunch of stuff that I don't care about. What concerns me is the whole Steiner taking me in thing. Rusty took care of me? Somehow, I just can't see it. Besides, where was I before showing up in Alexandria? Did I have a family? Did I have a life? Aargh! This whole living the game thing is so confusing. I don't know my history, and there are so many vital differences between real life and whatever I'm experiencing that it's ridiculous.

Xaio shows back up and begins fixing my outfit, so I have to hold still again. Taking that as her cue, Dagger splits off and tries on her new dress while Alma continues to fill me in on the mundane gossip of the royal family. Aside from Ovelia, there's nothing really interesting.

After we all finish up (Dagger decided to go with a slinky blue number that wouldn't look out of place in a photo from the 1920's), the girls decide that we need to get something to eat. At least they aren't anorexic. That would really cinch this whole valley girl opinion of Alma I'm beginning to develop. Dagger is getting kind of airheaded, too. I hope I don't catch it.

"So, where should we go, boys?" Alma asks Cecil and Kain.

"Wherever you want, Madam," the dragoon answers. She pouts, probably because she has to think, but then turns to the knight for his opinion. When he doesn't offer it, she turns to me. What do I know about Lindblum? I've never been here before. When I point that out to her, she actually groans in frustration and starts to talk it over with Dagger. They decide to go to some place named Somebody. Interesting name.

"What kind of food do they serve at Somebody?" I ask. Please be Mexican. Please be Mexican. I've been craving nachos forever.

"They serve all kinds of stuff. There's Mu, Zahgnol…" Alma begins to list the different monsters they serve, and each one makes me sicker than the last.

Dagger catches on, my green skin tone probably tipped her off, and interrupts her friend's train of thought. "Rick is a vegetarian. That means he doesn't eat meat."

"He doesn't eat meat?" Cecil laughs. It's about time one of those guys actually said something. "What kind of a man are you, boy? You go on a shopping spree, buying clothes and makeup like some kind of woman! Not to mention your 'relationship' with that fool from Alice's."

I officially take back the whole Cecil should talk thing.

My face drops so fast that it makes him laugh even harder, and Kain joins in. They even start pointing and muttering undecipherable things to each other. However, Alma comes to my rescue. She actually slaps Cecil, leaving a huge, red hand-shaped mark on the side of his face.

"Don't speak like that about him! He hasn't done anything to you. If I hear you speak again, I'll speak to Father about your behaviour," she threatens. Cecil and Kain stop laughing immediately and the colour drains from their faces. Well, that sobered them up pretty quickly. Alma must still be a member of the nobility in this game. It would explain why someone as sheltered as Dagger is friendly with her.

"Please, don't…" Kain begins, but Alma cuts him off with a slap of his own.

"I said no talking! No real man would judge another man without getting to know him first. To do otherwise is just ignorance."

Maybe I was wrong about Alma. Perhaps she's not an airhead.

"Hey, Rick! They serve salads there. How about after eating, we go get some shoes to go with our new clothes? I doubt you'll want to wear those boots."

Maybe I was right, after all.

So, with that, we continue on our trek to Somebody. There's a cloud of bad feeling handing over everything, though. Cecil and Kain keep glaring at me. They don't say anything, Alma's threat still evident in theirs minds, but there body language clearly shows that they blame me for everything

Something weird does happen on the way there, though. I literally run into another very familiar person that I don't really know.

"Ow, sorry," she says as she stands up and offers me a hand. The girl has bushy, brown hair and buckteeth. She looks really familiar, yet I can't place her. Weird, since I've recognized everyone else. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

I take her offered hand. Then she sees my bangle and lets go almost immediately, which ends with my butt back on the road. The look of shocked recognition is more than enough to confuse me.

"Can I speak to you alone?" she asks. I look over at my party for advice. Dagger shrugs, Alma gives me the thumbs up, and the other two just start acting like I don't exist. At least they'll leave me alone now.

"Sure."

She grabs my hand and pulls me down a nearby alley. As I begin to nervously ask her what is going on, she reaches into her shirt and pulls out a necklace. On the chain is a rather large charm shaped like a dragon, and at the heart of the charm is a yellow marble like the one on my bangle. She has Materia. I thought I was the only one with Materia. Weird.

"Do you recognize me?" she asks nervously.

"You look a little familiar," I confess. Her identity still hasn't come to me, though.

"I'm Hermione Granger from Hogwarts," she says. Okay, I can literally feel my eyes bulge out of their sockets. Now I know where I've "seen" her before. But that doesn't explain why she has Materia, or where she came from. "Can I ask you something? It might sound a little crazy."

"There are a lot of crazy thing in the world," I say as I run my hand through my hair. My hair… I miss it so.

"Did you just wake up here, in this world?" she asks in quiet voice. "No explanation, no sensation. Just in your world one second, and here the next?"

How did she know? What is going on? Is she screwing around with me? "Umm, yes. How did you…"

"Know?" she finishes. "It happened to me, too. I've been seeing all kinds of people that I thought existed only in muggle videogames or books or movies, and I thought you were just another one. Until I saw your bracelet, that is. Do you know how we got here?"

"Not a clue. I've just been traveling with some people. What about you?" I can't just tell her everything. I mean, I don't know what the heck is going on right now, let alone in general. How would she react if she knew I was experiencing the core of the game?

"There's this magical school in some place known as the Seilje Region or something like that. There's a portal there on this mountain known as the Alexandrian Plateau. It's not exactly like Hogwarts, but the similarities are mind-blowing."

Seilje Region? Isn't that from Wild Arms 2? My brother used to play that game all the time, but he never beat it. He lost interest after getting FFIX. Whoa, she's right. My mind has just been blown.

"Hey, Hermione! What're you doing!" a girl with brown pigtails shouts. "We have to go! They're expecting us back at the hotel!"

"Just a minute, Lilka!" Hermione screams back. "Are you staying in the hotel across from the air cab station?"

"Yeah."

She looks at the flaky hero from the second Wild Arms game before looking back at me. "I'm in room 214. Come tonight at midnight. We need to talk."

With that, she stuffs her necklace back into her shirt and runs off, bushy brown hair flying in the wind. This day is so weird. First, Dagger invites me to her royal thing, then, Michael kind of agrees to go out with me, and now this. Hermione Granger just said that she woke up here in a fashion similar to my own experience. Also, she admitted to recognizing me. How could she recognize me? I'm not famous. Unless… Maybe, in her world, I'm a huge movie star! That's something I can see. Or, I could be a supermodel. Few people are as good-looking as me, after all. Only Michael and Brad Pitt surpass me. that's who I'll admit to, anyway. (A/N: Could Rick possibly be anymore of a narcissist? Just a thought.)

The girls are all bubbly when I get back to the group. Luckily, Cecil and Kain are still doing that whole ignoring me thing. This isn't exactly a conversation that they should be involved in. One on being a brainless jerk, sure. Just not girl talk. It took years before I could even be included in girl talk.

"So…" Dagger gets this big-eyed look on her face and holds her hands behind her back before leaning down at me. Curse my shortness! "What did she want?"

"Um, she thought I was someone else. It's nothing," I lie quickly. Whew, dodged another bullet. Good thinking, Rick. You are so smart.

Both of my… I guess "friends" is an appropriate word to use. Anyway, they looked really bummed out. Probably wanted some juicy details about us making out behind a dumpster. Why would I do something like that with _her_ when I have Michael waiting on me? Kind of. We are still in the friend stage, I think. That's something that'll probably be worked out later tonight.

So, we continue on our way to Somebody. Who would name a restaurant that? I'll probably walk in and have Rydia as my waitress, or Zell will be the busboy. There have been way too many characters from other videogames here for me to keep track. Sure, there're a lot of references to other games in FFIX, but this is ridiculous!

As it turns out, there are no RPG-related characters anywhere in the place, unless you count my party. A young man with an owl mask on his face seats us at a table for three. Cecil and Kain opted to go straight for the bar. I just hope that they aren't mean drunks.

Alma orders Albatross wings, Dagger gets herself some filet de Mu, and I stick with a single side salad. The waiter clears his throat a little before leaving.

"Why was he wearing a mask?" I ask. Being the clueless moron gets old. When will Quina show up? Someone needs to be here to make me look smart. Too bad, there's nothing that can be done to make me look like I used to. My hair… Steiner is going to pay. I don't know when or how, but he will.

Giggling returns, but it's not mocking in nature. They're just finding amusement in my stupidity. Hold on a moment. Isn't that the same thing as mockery?

"Rick, the employees here all wear masks. It's part of the shtick. The place is called Somebody, because you don't know who anybody is," Dagger explains. Makes sense, I guess. Nobody would have been a better name, though.

We then spend our time chitchatting until our meals arrive. My salad isn't very appetizing. The lettuce is wilted, plus there are little chunks of cooked meat scattered all throughout. When Alma notices, she orders the waiter to bring me a new, meatless salad made with fresh vegetables. She's kind of mean about it, too. It wasn't his fault. I never specified to him that it was supposed to be a vegetarian salad. That sounds weird to me, too. Then again, there is vegetarian vegetable soup. The world is just full of ironies. However, the lettuce was definitely a show of poor quality. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to come here.

"Is something wrong, Rick?" Dagger asks with a mouthful of Mu. Aren't princesses supposed to have manners? Also, for some reason, I'm reminded of Zidane. "They're making you a new salad."

"Nah, I'm good," I tell her. Why am I being such a killjoy? Hermione could have something to do with it. There is someone else in this world aware that she shouldn't be here. Are we the only ones? How are we even aware of that fact when people like Alma and Rinoa aren't? Why are we so special? Why do we both have Materia and jewellery shaped like dragons? This had better not be some kind of prank that Zidane or Dagger set up. Vivi's probably still too shocked by yesterday to try something like this, and Steiner is clearly too stupid. That just leaves my princess and thief friends.

She shrugs it off, something I'm thankful for. A few minutes later, my salad arrives and I wolf it down. It's not as good as Michael's. Heck, Michael's probably wasn't as good as Michael's. Paper would've tasted good to me last night, since I'd finally gotten to eat. It tastes alright, though.

After we finish, which takes awhile because Dagger's a slow eater, the girls collect the boys. They aren't plastered. Guess warriors of their calibre can hold their liquor. So why wasn't Squall and Co. allowed to drink at that bar in Dollet. You know, the one with the drag queen. I never expected Sony to be brave enough to allow a game like that onto American shores. They have a tendency to be all heavy with the censorship. Then again, that's why they have fanfiction. My brother was obsessed with the stuff. Me? I personally never got into it. Who wants to read about how in love Vincent and Yuffie are. Really, who wants to read about a sixteen-year-old and some guy who could be eighty for all I know. Nobody knows how old Vincent is. So, it can only be described as _eww_. Um, where am I going with this?

So then, Alma suggests waiting on the shoes and getting our hair and nails done first. Sounds like a great idea to me. Maybe the MCoDs will be less, erm, volatile if they're all spiffed up. Probably not. At least I'll finally be rid of this awful haircut. Curse Steiner, and curse myself. I am the one who bought the frickin' sword, after all.

"I've never actually been to a ball. They had them where I was before I came to Alexandria, but I was never invited. How should I behave? Is it a big formal event, or just another excuse for the nobility to get drunk?" I ask as I clean my nails the best I can before we actually arrive at wherever it is we're going. So what if I lied a little? It's pretty much the same back home. Only rich people and their gold-digging girlfriends and/or gigolos went to balls. The rest of us had nightclubs. Gee, I wonder who had more fun.

"Rick!" Alma exclaims with shock. Oh, right, she's a noble. The drunk remark was probably in bad taste. Then again, so is her choice in bodyguards. Why are they here anyway? It's not like there are assassins out to kill us. Oh, right, the Turks. Probably shouldn't forget them. How many are there, now? Guess I'll have to wait for _Crisis Core_ or whatever the stupid thing is before I find out. Besides, why haven't we encountered Tseng? _Advent Children_ ruined my hopes of his being dead. Why did they resurrect the annoying woman-beater, anyway?

Dagger just laughs and shakes her head. Being royalty has its perks, I guess. She doesn't have to worry about offending the nobles, because she outranks them. Treno is going to be so much fun. That stupid guy outside the café who buys, I think, that mirror is really annoying. Maybe I'll let the MCoDs have a go at him.

However, Cecil and Kain don't find the humour in the situation. The dragoon gives a disapproving snort. His sword-wielding buddy lays a hand on the hilt of the weapon, but doesn't draw it. If only the other knight I know could learn that kind of self-control. Nope, he just has to scream that my mother was a whore and cut my beautiful hair off.

"See," I point out with a finger actually pointing at the girl. "This is why I need coaching. I'm socially retarded. Good looks and great clothes don't make good manners."

"A little high on the ego, isn't he?" Alma asks Dagger with a roll of her eyes. "How ever did you survive it for three days?"

"He wasn't too bad when Steiner was chasing Zidane and him around. It was actually pretty funny. Sometimes I would even instigate it," the princess admits. Evil! I knew I couldn't annoy Steiner that much by myself. Even Rick has his limits. "He's a good boy, though. Aren't you, Rick?"

Do I look like a German shepherd?

"This is a special ball, to commemorate the Festival of the Hunt. It's held every year on the day before the actual Hunt. Then, for three days after, we celebrate with a festival. While commoners aren't usually admitted to the ball, everyone is allowed to attend the Festival. More people come for that than to actually participate in the Hunt," Alma explains. That's a nice little slice of history, but it doesn't answer my question. How in the world am I supposed to act?

"Um, that helps me how?"

"Don't look at me." Dagger shakes her head and puts her hands in front of her with the palms open to show that I shouldn't even attempt it. To think, I could have spent today hanging out with Zidane and checking out all of the local women if I'd picked Michael over him. Still, how often do I get a hot date? My point exactly.

Alma smiles and puts an arm around me. No noogies. Please, no noogies. I feel bad enough about my follicle problems as it is. "To put it in your words, 'it's just another excuse for the nobles to get drunk'. That's my father's tradition anyway. My brother's aren't exactly at that level, yet. Ramza is pretty close. He's a real party animal. You might see him there. He's the blonde one who's in purple. What it is with that boy and that colour I'll never know."

So, I can just be myself? Good to know, since I don't know how to be anyone else. Why I would want to be anyone else is beyond me. I'm perfect, unless you count the hair. That should change soon.

"Miss Alma, we are going to your usual place, yes?" Cecil asks in a tone that is the complete opposite of that which was used in their depiction of me not being a "real man." Please, everyone knows that a real man can tell the difference between a flannel shirt and a plaid shirt. The first is a fabric; the second is a design. Just in case you were wondering.

"Of course, I wouldn't trust my hair to anyone but Wutai."

Wutai? The village in FFVII where Yuffie and Elena are abducted by Don Corneo? It's been reduced to nothing more than a beauty salon? Meh, it'll probably make more money this way. There wasn't much reason to go there other than the Leviathan Materia and the aforementioned side quest. There is also the Turtle's Paradise poster thing, but I never could find them all. The ones in Sector Five and Gold Saucer, sure. It's the others that bug the heck out of me. That, and the Weapons. Those things are a pain in the butt to kill. I think I only managed to off one. The one that's flying. Ruby and Emerald killed me every time.

Things only get more complicated when we actually arrive at Wutai. It's shaped like a pagoda, big surprise. Inside, everyone is dressed like they just stepped out Mulan. An okay movie with a heck of a soundtrack.

"Reservation for two?" a familiar-looking man in ninja garb asks as he approaches us. Is this who I think it is? It's Edge from FFIV. Man, does he look good. That pathetic monkey-ish dude from the tradition-bound ninja clan is gone, replaced with a tall, freshly shaven man in his early twenties with a great head of hair (big surprise, seeing as how we're in a salon) and a gorgeous smile. If I didn't kind of sort of have Michael, I would so be all over him right now. Screw shame.

"Three actually, under Beoulve. You'll see that it was made yesterday."

Wait. This appointment was made yesterday. I wasn't invited to hang out until this morning. There's something fishy going on, and this isn't related to the constantly re-occurring article about fishy smells that magazines like _Teen Beat_ and _Redbook_ always have.

"Dagger, can I ask you something?" The tone of my voice must give away the meaning behind my question, because she turns to me with big puppy dog eyes. She is so pathetic.

"Of course, Rick. You can ask me anything. That doesn't mean that I'll be able to answer it, though."

Why am I cursed with weird friends? "Am I really who you wanted to hang out with today? Because if this was reserved yesterday…"

"Of course you are!" she says with way too much enthusiasm. And I thought George Bush was a bad liar. Unite people my foot. The only thing people ever came together for, was hating him. Seriously, how in the world did he get re-elected? Anyway, moving on…

"Whatever." There's really no need to drag this into something ugly. One of us could end up yelling, and then Cecil and/or Kain (who opted to wait outside, presumably for appearance sake) would bust in and impale me on some very sharp weapon. It sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it? Lucky me.

Edge (A/N: I'm still a little fuzzy on his name, so forgive me if I'm wrong) then leads us through a series of sliding doors. The walls really are made of paper in places like this. I can see the shadows of people as we pass by. Some of the actions look less than sanitary. There's a woman screaming at a man that she's tired of cooking and cleaning all day, and she's actually forcing him to eat off the floor. You go girl! Heh, you were probably expecting another sex joke, weren't you? Too bad.

When we arrive at our destination, I can see a design very similar to what we have back on Earth. Well, with the exception of buckets instead of sinks. There is still the every present swivel chair, though. Explain to me how they can create a swivel chair in this era, but not know what a vegetarian is. Really.

"Just take a seat in one of our chairs. The cosmeticians will be with you soon," the ninja guy tells us before leaving. Cosmeticians? A little fancy, aren't we? Hmm, if things don't work out with Michael, I may just have to set up another session at Wutai. For the MCoDs, of course. There's definitely no other reason I could have for wanting to come back.

Dagger is the first to sit down, spinning in her chair and laughing while Alma and I look on. This is what I'm supposed to protect from Brahne? Well, if that's why I'm here. There still hasn't been a clue as to just why I'm here or even how I got here. Just a very cool looking satchel and some jewellery. Hopefully, Hermione will know something. Unless it's a trap set up by the Turks to get one bodyguard out of the way. Still, that doesn't explain how she knew about Hogwarts.

"So, what do you think you're going to do with this mess?" Alma inquires as she starts playing with my bangs. Did I say that she could touch me? "You wouldn't look good with a crew cut."

"Girl, I've known that my entire life."

She retracts her fingers and sits next to Dagger. They start up a chat about some scandal in the nobility or something else over my head, so I just look around for a magazine. Nothing. Well, at least I brought the satchel with me, so I still have my books.

Did you ever really notice just how brutal Squall is with Quistis in the "Secret Area" scene? Man, the guy is a jerk. He's rude to Rinoa, sure, but never on the same level as he is with the Instructor. Go talk to a wall, indeed. I'd like to introduce his head to a wall.

"Rick, they're here." Alma jabs me in the side with her elbow. Ow!

"Hello, I'm Yuffie," my beautician says as I lower my book. Huh, so it is. Seeing as how the place is named Wutai, I'm not really surprised. It would be more surprising for her to not be here. "How can I help you today?"

"A manicure, a pedicure, and could you do something about my hair?" I ask the annoying ninja. Don't get me wrong, I like her as a character, but as a fighter, she is worthless. That's why she's annoying. "The last moron I let touch it screwed it up."

She gives me one of those looks that people in the service industry give customers that they think are going to be difficult. Maybe I shouldn't read this particular book. Squall is starting to rub off on me.

"Very well then. We'll start with your hair, since that seems to be the most important to you. Now, hold still, this won't hurt a bit."

Yuffie picks up a pair of scissors. Don't ask me if they existed in the Middle Ages, because I don't know. Then again, they didn't have airships in the Middle Ages back on Earth, so there's no telling what I'll find here.

I squeeze my eyes closed and grit my teeth as the first sounds of metal rubbing together greets my ears.

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A/N: Hmm, a long chapter, but not exceedingly so. Somewhere around 8000 words this time. What did you think? Is it as weird as I promised? Still, something is bothering me. I can't figure out which one is the bigger mystery: Hermione, or the final results of Rick's hairdo. Looking forward to reviews as usual!


	12. Dance Fever

Chapter 12: Dance Fever

A/N: This is going to be another weird chapter. Still trying to recover from writing an entire chapter based around shopping, though. Who knew that buying an outfit could be such tedious work?

On a less writing-based note, I just bought _Xenosaga_ (the first one), but am little reluctant to play it. I just don't want to be disappointed. To those who have played it, does it really live up to the hype? Oh, and review. Please, please, please review! I work really hard on this, and the lack of reviews is kind of a downer.

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Never. I never should have agreed to come to this stupid thing. Sure, I look _good_ (really, even the emphasis can't get across just how hot I am), but what does that really do for me? Michael stood me up and, on top of that, I now what I'll look like in forty years. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am bald. Not really, since my hair was all shaved off instead of simply falling out, but that isn't much consolation. That stupid ninja told me that there wasn't anything else she could do with it short of a crew cut. That definitely wasn't happening. So I told her to go ahead and remove the last vestiges of my old, earthly life. Seriously, I hadn't even named the MCoDs until I got to Gaia. It doesn't look bad, though. My lack of hair, I mean. At least I know I'll be a pretty middle-aged bald man. The MCoDs are even back to their former glory, all smooth and shiny with a dark violet, almost black, coating of polish. It hasn't curtailed their bloodlust though. Every time I catch sight of Steiner, who is thankfully ignoring me, I have to hide them under the tablecloth so that the people getting their punch don't think I'm going to attack them.

That's right, I'm by the punchbowl. Wallflower city, baby. Did I mention I got stood up? Stupid Michael. He told me that he wasn't comfortable with the idea and that he might not come, but I'm so freakin' hot! Darn it! Anyone would be lucky to have me, right now.

I just wanted to join in on the happy couple stuff, even if Michael was just coming with me as a friend. Dagger is getting down with Palom, or Porom, whichever one is the male twin. Zidane, believe it or not, is here with Alma. Why didn't she mention it? She had all day to tell me. Besides, the way Dagger said that he had a date implied that he'd just picked up some stranger, not her best friend. Stupid women. Can't live with them, but I can't live without them, either. Who else is going to doll me up? Zidane? No thanks. I'd rather not have my hair cut with something that had been stuck into the side of some retarded squirrel.

Vivi's not here, but that isn't a big surprise. When Alma and she showed up at the hotel to pick Zidane and I up (we got to ride in a chocobo-drawn carriage!) for the ball, Dagger mentioned that my cute little buddy had befriended some children of the castle's servants and would be staying with them tonight. That's actually great. It's nice to know that the Lindblum are willing to accept him, unlike the evil, drunken brats of Dali.

Whoever set this shindig up really pulled out all the stops. There are banners, flowers, and fountains spewing wine everywhere. Don't ask me why, but there's just something classy about watching a fat baby with wings continuously pouring alcohol from a jug. At least it's not peeing out the booze, like some of the parties I went to back on earth. Oh, the joys of "living la lower middle class."

"How're you doing, Princess?" Zidane asks as he takes a break from dancing to get something to drink. Alma doesn't really look like she's missing him. She just starts dancing with Dagger as the orchestra starts up a new song. That's right, an orchestra! Still, if Tantalus has one, I can't be too surprised to learn that the royal family does, too.

"How do you think?" I mutter bitterly. My arms are folded across my chest and I'm not even letting my feet tap along with beat. That's how upset I am. "I'm the frickin' loser by the punchbowl, _again_."

"Again? I thought you told Dagger and Alma that this was your first ball."

"I was being metaphoric," I respond angrily. "Growing up, I was always the odd man out. It seems that won't be changing anytime soon."

He gulps down a glass of the red liquid in the crystal bowl behind me and wipes his mouth with his sleeve. That's right, I said sleeve. Zidane is wearing sleeves. As in he is actually all dressed up for this thing. Something tells me that Cecil and Kain might have had something to do with the casual-loving thief getting formal.

"So what? Who says you have to be with someone to be the life of the party? Just get out there and have fun," he suggests. "You may even meet someone who'll make you forget all about that moron. If he can't see how wonderful you are, then he doesn't deserve you."

Did I just get a compliment from Zidane? Without it being backhanded? Wow, I must be pathetic. At least he isn't rubbing it in about Michael being a jerk. I was so stupid to pick that painter over my friend.

"What do you suggest I do?" I inquire as I watch Alma and Dagger begin rubbing up against each other. They're definitely drawing a lot of attention, and none of it is positive: unless you count the men. They're eating it up. Tongues hanging out and everything. It's even worse than when Alma and Dagger saw Michael for the first time, or when we all met Minister Croft. Besides, who would have thought that it would be possible to dirty dance to violins and oboes?

Zidane grabs my wrist, drawing the attention but, surprisingly, not the ire of the MCoDs. The thief drags me out onto the packed dance floor. If that's what you want to call it. The only people dancing, other than Dagger and Alma, are Minister Croft and a man with spiky yellow hair. Gee, I wonder who that could be.

"Honey, what are you doing?" I ask as the music stops and the horn section begins a dramatic tune that I don't know. Zidane just grabs my right hand with his left and wraps his free one around my waist. Seeing as how my only options are to slap the crap the crap out of him or play along, I put my left hand on his right shoulder.

"We're making you the life of the party," he laughs. Then we start spinning with music. The attention begins to drift away from the blonde and redhead (yes, Dagger died her hair. It didn't turn out so great though. It's more purple than red, but nobody is going to say anything her because she's the princess) and onto the two commoners getting down. Can you call doing the quickstep getting down? Probably not. At least I finally got something out of watching _Dancing with the Stars_. I don't care what anyone says; Stacey Keebler was robbed.

Surprisingly, I'm keeping up with Zidane. I was always the wallflower at dances. You can dance alone to fast songs without appearing pathetic, but when it came to ballads all I could do was stand by the punchbowl. The couples always hogged the slow songs.

Speaking of ballads, the next song is one. Someone, I have no clue who she is since I've never been to Lindblum before, steps in front of the orchestra. It's a woman in her twenties with her hair pulled back and a tight black, sequined dress draped over her thin body and pale skin. Anorexia, anyone? She sits behind a piano and all of the people start clapping. Even Zidane is giving catcalls in regards to her hotness. She does look kind of familiar, though. Then again, so does half of this town, so I'm not going to bother myself with it.

The woman begins the first few bars of a quiet piano ballad, and I recognize her immediately. This is Julia from Final Fantasy VIII: Rinoa's mother, to those who did pay attention to the details.

Drawing me closer, Zidane lets go of my hand and puts both arms around my waist. I respond in kind by interlacing my fingers behind his neck. How come I don't get to lead? We start to move slowly to the music. It's kind of awkward, since the stupid nobles are refusing to budge. I came here to dance, and I'm going to dance! So what if it's not with Michael? There is more to people than how good-looking they are. Now I just have to find out what that is.

"Feeling better, Princess?" he asks as we start another circle. Good thing I bought new shoes today. I wouldn't be able to make a single graceful move in those stupid boots. The footwear of choice tonight is a simple pair of black dress shoes that pinch my toes slightly. Good luck finding anything that actually fits.

"A little," I confess. Who needs Michael when you have friends like this? Heck, who needs him when you _look_ like this? I am such a catch.

He laughs and looks over at Dagger and Alma. They've acquired new dance partners. Dagger is back with Porom, or is it Palom? Anyway, Alma has picked up some young guy I actually don't recognize. Either he's not an import, or he's an import that I don't know. He looks to be a few years younger than us, though. About thirteen or fourteen. Meh.

"I can't believe you actually came with Alma. She so does not seem like your type," I inform Zidane as we twirl around an older couple who each gives us dirty looks, like they know we're just filthy commoners who shouldn't be there.

"Why? Because she's rich and gorgeous?"

"Exactly," I answer with a laugh as he dips me. Then he drops me, and the back of my head hits the floor. Not only does this hurt, it seems awfully familiar. Why do I have a sudden sense of déjà vu? Actually, a better question is why he dropped me.

I climb to my feet, using Zidane as a ladder of sorts. The MCoDs are going crazy right now, but I have enough control to keep from tearing into him until I find out what's going on.

My eyes follow his line of vision and then I see it: Dagger is dancing with yet another man, one with blonde hair, green eyes, and a long scar running between those green eyes. They're pretty close, too. I mean, really close. Plus, this particular young man just happens to be tasting the tonsils of the princess. Ladies and gentleman, I do believe that Dagger is making out with Seifer Almasy. Why he's here, I don't know. Then again, I don't know why I'm here. Well, I know why I'm at the party: Dagger invited me. What I really mean is… Ah, forget it. That story is way too old by now. Perhaps I'll never even know.

"Wow, he's cute," I say offhandedly. Zidane responds by smacking me in the back of the head. Hey, I thought the slapstick was over.

"He is so not cute," Zidane comments through gritted teeth. Why, I do declare: my little thief is jealous!

We stand there watching the PDA through the rest of the song. When it ends, Alma runs over to us all excited. She's gushing about Dagger. When she notices my grin, she turns to Zidane. "See, I told you it would make him feel better. And you didn't want to dance with him."

Huh? He didn't want to bother with me? This whole act of kindness was all Alma's idea. In fact, Zidane was even against the idea. At least now, I know what he thinks of his "Princess." I'm feeling all inadequate and alone, and he has to be goaded into doing spending five minutes with me. Dagger makes out with the pseudo-villain from FFVIII and he freaks out. He probably hasn't forgiven me for the whole Michael thing, after all.

"Hey, Princess, are you okay?" he asks, putting a hand on my shoulder. I shrug him off and walk away without a word. Really, I need some time alone to think this through.

Zidane tries, unsuccessfully, to stop me by putting a hand on my shoulder. I just shrug him off and push past Alma. She has a big-eyed look on her face. Something about that makes me feel bad. She was just trying to be good friend, unlike Zidane.

When I get out of the area where the ball is being held, I run down the halls until I see a familiar area. I'm near the nursery where my whole "Lindblum Experience" began. Trying to remember where it is, I walk to the elevator with my hand on the wall for support, because I don't trust myself to stand. I wipe my eyes as I come to the contraption.

"We're you headed, kid?" the man who got the unlucky job of operating the lift on the night of the formal asks.

"Just take me to the aircab station."

It's a mystery to me where I'm going to go. The hotel room doesn't seem like a comforting place to go, and returning to the ball is definitely out of the picture. I'm not ready to face the others, not after what I just heard. Zidane doesn't want to be friends with me. He didn't want to spend any time with me. All because of that jerk Michael!

The layers of metal between the levels of the "castle", as I once heard the city of Lindblum described, fly by my eyes. Mr. Elevator Guy doesn't say anything, just an announcement that we've reached our destination when the lift stops moving.

Walking to the aircab is quite a task. Not that it was difficult, but the number of people waiting outside in hopes of getting in is rather large. People ask me what it's like to be at the ball as I push my way through. Of course, I ignore them since my mind is focused on other things like how I don't have friends anymore.

For some reason, I decide to go to the business district anyway. There's nothing that I can do there, since all of the businesses are closed for the celebration. When I get there, without thinking, I walk right past the hotel without even stopping to change. I'd already decided not to go there, remember?

"Rick! Hey, Rick, hold on!" someone shouts. At first, I think it is Zidane, trying to apologize to me again. It can't be, though. He would have called me "Princess." Next in line is Hermione, but she's not expecting me until midnight, and it's only about nine o'clock. Besides, this voice way is too deep to be her. So imagine my lack of surprise when I turn around and see Michael.

"What do you want?" I ask with bitterness. His face, when he gets close enough for me to see it, is mixed with guilt and worry. Good. He should feel bad after the way he treated me. I was humiliated. I chose him over my friend! How could I have been so stupid?

"Can I just apologize and explain?" he begs. Darn it, even when he's being pitiful he's good-looking. The torches lighting the streets cast shadows over his face that make him even more irresistible… No. Rick, you are mad at him. Mad. Let the MCoDs have their way with his pretty face. Then maybe you won't be so driven to just forget it all.

"Explain what?" I reply with a break in my voice. Damn it! Why should this jerk be able to elicit these emotions from me? Then again, I am still really down over the revelation that nobody wants to be my friend. "Are you going to explain how you thought it would be funny to make me feel like crap after letting me get my hopes up? I spent a lot of money for tonight. Do you know how much this outfit costs? My hair! I let some ninja shave my head just so that I would embarrass you with that awful haircut. My nails were even filed, buffed, and painted for you! No, don't bother trying to explain anything to me. No matter what you say, it won't justify what you've done."

He looks taken aback and kind of hurt. Unsure of whether or not I did the right thing by telling him off, I start running away. I don't even care where I go. Anywhere is better than being around people that I know. Just let me be, alone with some strangers who don't want to ask me to dance or try to justify their actions.

Soon enough, I get my wish. There is a large gathering of people in the square, dancing, drinking, and singing along with some music that I'm sure I don't know. The pickle cart, the one from that scene where the old lady thinks Steiner is trying to pick up chicks, is still out. Taking advantage of the shadows it offers, I crawl beside it and pull my knees up to my chin in the hopes that no one will notice me.

How did this all happen to me? No, this isn't me rehashing the whole waking up in FFIX thing; I'm kind of over that. Besides, I'll probably get some answers when I talk to Hermione later tonight. No, this is all about the here and now. Zidane hates me, I hate Michael, and I still smell the Lindblum pickles even though the cart is empty. I was having such a good time with Alma and Dagger today. Getting dolled up, buying new clothes: it was almost like I was back home, almost like I was with my old friends. Heck, I even had a date! That's something that didn't even happen back on Earth.

Things were just too good to be true. That's why dreams end. I was dreaming, and reality gave me a harsh slap to wake me up. Well, when I find that little tramp, I'm going to slap her right back.

"Anything interesting?" that voice questions as I hear gravel shift, an indication that someone is sitting beside me. Why did he have to follow me? Do people not know that you don't interrupt a man when he's sulking? Geez, this is so ridiculous. Next thing you know he'll be telling me that polyester is just as good as cotton. Blech.

"What is with you?" I point an accusing finger in his face, but he just laughs and pushed it away. Brave man, getting that close to the MCoDs. Hey, they aren't trying to go for the jugular. That's weird. Did the pickle fumes knock them out or something?

"I showed up at the castle for your dance thing, but the guards would let me in," he says as he puts an arm around my shoulders. Even though Zidane does it all the time, there's something different about the way Michael does it. "That's why I was waiting outside your hotel: to tell you that when you got back from having a blast with your friends. You didn't have a blast, though. Did you?"

A small smile dares to cross my lips when I answer him. "Nope. No blasting for me."

Wow. He really did care. I thought he was being a jerk, but I was so mad at Zidane that I ended up being the jerk. Yet, despite my jerky behaviour, he still followed me to make sure I was okay. Not even Dagger or Alma did that. I really didn't expect Zidane to.

"Come on. It may not be some big thing filled with rich snobs, but there's a celebration going on. Look around you." Michael stands up and offers me a hand. Taking it, I finally take in just what is going on. Sure, I'd noticed the behaviour of the people, but I hadn't really taken into account that they might be celebrating. This could have just been another drunken beer fest, like at my uncle's trailer park. Oh, the joys of being born into the local white trash family.

The painter drags me out into the middle of the street, where the people are at there thickest. At least now I can see who is playing. There're two guys, one with long hair and the other's is short. The long-haired one is playing an acoustic guitar (huh?) while his buddy is singing. Okay, this one I do know. Can anyone say Bad Luck? So what if my descriptions suck? At least I said who it was.

Anyway, it's a really fast song played on acoustic guitar (I repeat, huh? Those definitely didn't exist in the Middle Ages) and a mini-piano thing that I assume is supposed to take the place of the synthesizer. Wait, where's the third guy?

Michael, in addition to being hot in a dark green turtleneck and black slacks with a black belt holding them up because they're just a tad too big around his waist, can dance. Not the fancy ballroom dancing I did with Zidane, either. This boy can really get down. While I was blessed with good looks and extreme intelligence, my genes (most of which had to be recessive. If you don't believe me, take a look at my family sometime) did not grant me the ability to dance. White man's disease has claimed yet another victim.

"Loosen up," Michael purrs as he grabs my arm and pulls me close. _Really_ close. Some things are bumping, while others are grinding. Now I understand why my uber-uptight cousin in the seminary (A/N: Really, I have a cousin studying to a minister, so this part is true) said that prom was basically foreplay.

I turn around, the beat starting to flow over me as I gyrate rhythmically against my dance partner. My back is up against his chest and I crook my left arm around his neck. He interlaces his left fingers with mine, while using his right to turn my head up towards him. Hmm, maybe being short isn't so bad after all. I get to look up to Michael, a really hot guy. How many people get to say that? Outside of LA and San Francisco, I mean.

"I like your new look," he quips with a smile. Really? Even the being bald thing? Either he's being legit, or I have very good liar on my hands. Despite what the bumper stickers say, bald is not beautiful. I am, and the baldness only manages to diminish it a little. Note to self: remember to kill Steiner in his sleep.

"Like I'm really going to believe that." Then it starts to rain. Um… cliché, anyone?

It doesn't hamper anyone's spirit, though. They're all still excited and drunk.

"Crap!" I shout as I pull away.

Michael has that hurt look on his face again. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," I answer with an accompanying headshake. "I just can't stay in the rain, my outfit will get ruined."

"Where's that jacket I gave you?"

"Oh, I left it in the hotel room. Nobody mentioned anything about rain, and I was expecting to be inside all night." He just shakes his head, the rain growing heavier by the second. His hair is plastered to his forehead, and he just looks all the hotter for it. A dry Michael is a sexy Michael. A wet Michael is a sexier Michael. This is something that I'm going to have to keep in mind.

"Forget about your outfit, I'll buy you a new one," he coos, leaning down to press his forehead against mine. Okay, there are two things wrong with this scenario. Firstly, _Michael_ is getting steamy and stuff with _me_. Have I mentioned that he's way out of my league? Thought so. The other thing: there is no way that he can buy me a new outfit. This thing was a special order that I only got because some guy died before he could pick it up.

"This cost me thirty-five hundred Gil," I tell him. His face falls, but he quickly recovers.

"Is it a label outfit?"

How should I know? I've never been much of a fashion connoisseur when it comes to video games. "I bought it at Rinoa's Boutique."

A whistle escapes him as his face grows even closer, something I thought impossible. "Seems you'll have to settle for a knockoff, then," he breathes against my lips. Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

Then comes something that I had been sort of halfway expecting. His mouth closes over mine just as I prepare to offer a rebuttal on the uselessness of trying to pass off a fake as the real thing. Well, I guess that answers Dagger's question as to whether or not he's "like me." Wait! What is he doing with his tongue? Oh, right.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him in even tighter. My lips begin to hurt at the ferocity of the kiss, but they hurt in a good way. The rain continues to pound down on us, and our fellow commoners continue to dance. Hmm, maybe a couple of guys making out in the middle of the street isn't as uncommon as I had been expecting. Either that, or they're just too drunk to care. My experience with drunks tells me that that is a viable possibility.

You know, clichés aren't all that bad.

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A/N: Aww, Rick gets a kiss. This is a relatively short chapter for me. I don't know why. Oh well, this last scene at the end should tell you why this fic has been upgraded to the "T" rating. Still, I'm amazed at the lack of cuss words in this fic (the second one made its appearance in this chapter!). Hopefully, the new rating will give me some more freedom to explore the relationship between Rick and Michael, and Zidane and Michael with little more care. The cussing, though, will still be a rare thing.

As a side note, wasn't Rick a big ole drama queen in this chapter? That was supposed to be the core of the humour in this one, as well as his trademark narcissism. It just doesn't read that way, though. I'm afraid my angst may spilling over from the R&R fics. (That's what I'm going to call _Resurrection_ and _Redemption_, since both titles are annoying for me to spell out and because I'm lazy.)


	13. Tonguing, Mugging, and Stew

Chapter 13: Tonguing, Mugging, and… Stew?

A/N: I really didn't know where to go with this chapter, what with the overly predictable ending of the last one. Still, there is the whole talk with Hermione to look forward to… isn't there?

For those who are looking for something new from me, I am working on a Ranma ½ fic that's going to be humorous and weird, like this one!

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Michael is such a good kisser, and he tastes great, too. The flavour of mentholated cough drops lingers on my pallet. Before I met him, I never liked mentholated cough drops. Even when I have a cold, I don't do cough drops. My medicine is that nasty cough syrup. Not cough drops. Okay, someone explain to me why I'm talking about cough drops when I have Michael's _tongue_ in my mouth.

"I really like you," he groans as he pushes me into a wall. Ow. It hurts, and in that way that I had hoped it would. His hands explore my chest, then move up to my shoulders, making their way to my wrists. He raises my arms above my head, pinning them to the wall. I've seen this movie. It ends rather well, in my opinion.

"I like you too," I answer, struggling futilely against his strength. It only seems to bring a bigger grin to his face.

"How much?"

He then throws me onto his couch. Something sticks into my side, probably a paintbrush, but I don't mind. The incredibly hot guy then straddles me. With a laugh, he leans down and kisses me again. And again and again and again.

"Are you up, Princess?" he asks.

Huh? What did he say? That's a little forward. Then again, look at what we're doing.

"Hey," Michael asks again, much louder this time. "Are you up?"

My eyes flutter open and I sit upright in bed. Ah man, that was such a good dream. What idiot had to ruin it? Probably the one in the doorway. Zidane is standing there looking at me with a raised eyebrow. "What did you say?"

He sighs and walks toward me, sitting on the edge of my bed. "I asked if you were up."

"How is that any of _your_ business?" I shriek, pulling my covers up to my chin. How dare he ask such a thing? He really is a pervert!

"Princess, I was wondering if you were awake," he answers with that confused look still on his face. "What did you think I was talking about?"

A quick look out the window shows that it's still night. In an attempt to change the subject, I ask him for the time. "I have somewhere to be, later."

Really, I was just resting my eyes. Michael and I danced until about ten, and then he escorted me back to the hotel. Being the gentleman that he is, he didn't even ask if he could come up. Oh well, that's his loss. I hope I didn't oversleep and miss my talk with Hermione. That is a chance to really clear up some of the fog around my whole being here thing. No, that old issue is not being rehashed. It's just something that I felt that I should check into. There could be a reason that I'm here at this place and time.

"It's about eleven-thirty. Where are you going? To meet Michael again?"

How did he… "How do you know that I met up with Michael? Did you follow me?"

Zidane tells me that he did. He felt bad for how he had acted, and even worse for I reacted. Fine, I'll admit, I overreacted a bit, but what else was I supposed to do? Standing there looking like the fool isn't exactly my thing. I also have to open my mouth and shove both feet in.

"How come I didn't see you, Honey?" I'm sure I would have noticed him following me. There may be many things wrong with me, but my sight isn't one. My doctors say that I have 20/20 vision.

"Why do you think? I saw you two going at it. Dagger was bad enough, but even _you_ are getting some…" he sighs. His shoulders slump in defeat. Then he jumps up with renewed vigour and raises his hands in victory. "That's it. Tomorrow, I WILL get a date!"

I climb out of bed, still in my gorgeous suit, which is now all wrinkled. They don't have dry cleaners on Gaia, do they? There's definitely no way I'm going to bother inventing an iron. It'll probably just end up burning my suit and exploding in my face. That's what happened the last time I tried to buy pop at the store. This was on Earth, mind you. I was in one of those big department stores and looking over the diet sodas when the guy next to me knocks one over. Some stupid kid must have shaken it up or something, because it rolled onto the floor and blew up. Somehow, I was the only person caught in the blast. My pride was injured, yes, but something far worse than that happened. My shoes were ruined. Those things were a steal! They were a rip off of a knockoff of a copy of the shoes that Johnny Knoxville wore for his photo shoot in GQ when _Dukes of Hazzard_ came out. The movie sucked worse than any Sharon Stone movie released after Basic Instinct, but he still looked really good.

"Excuse me," I say rather testily as I poke him in the chest to get his attention. "What do you mean when you say that _even_ I am 'getting some'?"

"Did I say that?" he comments with a nervous laugh. "That didn't come out right."

"How was it supposed to come out?" The MCoDs begin flexing violently. I haven't tortured Zidane in awhile. All I needed was a reminder of how much fun it is.

He grabs me by the shoulders and rushes me to the door. "Didn't you say that you have to be somewhere? Well, I don't want to be the reason you're late."

Then he pushes me into the hall and slams it behind me. What a gentleman. He's almost as polite as a male member of the Saotome family. (A/N: Random Plug! I have a new fic in the Manga section under _Ranma ½._)

Okay, now I have to go to Hermione's room. Which one was that again? It was two something…

After creeping down the stairs, I kind of have to because I'm staying on the third floor that didn't exist in the game, I find myself on the second floor. I'm pretty sure that it was an even number. She's here with her school, I think. So if I knock on the wrong one, then I can just just ask for directions to Hermione. It's foolproof!

"Hello?" I call softly as I knock on door 208. "Are you ready for me?"

The door opens and a very tired redhead glares at me rather angrily. It's kind of dark, so I can't see her eyes, but I can feel the hatred exuding from them. Please tell me that I didn't tick her off before "coming" to Gaia. Did that sentence just make any sense at all?

"What the bleep are you talking about?" she growls. "Why the bleep would I be ready for you? Unless you think we're going to bleep."

"Uh…" I stutter, completely caught off guard by her, um, vocabulary. "I must have the wrong room. Do you know…"

"bleep you! You think that I'm going to bleep you , and when I don't you ask me for another girl's room! I'm going to kick your bleep you bleep-ing mother bleep-er!"

"Really. I'm sorry."

People start to open their doors to see just what is going on. What the get is an earful of this girl, whoever the heck she is, threatening to do things to me that even Steiner would balk at.

"All of you bleep-ing men are the same! If you can't bleep one girl, then you're just going to bleep another. How about I castrate you? Would that satisfy your appetite for sex?" she screams before launching into the longest string of curses I've ever heard, and I've listened to Richard Pryor.

After crazy yelling lady slams the door in my face with one more death threat, the other patrons of the inn stare at me before closing their doors. I'm sorry, but I must say that I haven't heard the F-word used that many times in the same sentence since I saw _Snakes on a Plane_ with idiot brother and our idiot cousin, who is basically my idiot brother only with blonde hair and easier access to alcohol. Have I mentioned that it's just so much fun being white trash? There are just so many things that you can do on Earth that you can't on Gaia. Then again, Gaia has its share of fun. If you want to call random attacks by crazed wildlife, mutated vegetables, and fashion-challenged assassins fun, that is.

Someone whispers something and it catches my attention. I'm amazed I can hear anything, what with the screaming my poor ears had to endure. Even the MCoDs cowered a little in fear.

I looked around and see a girl a couple years my junior poking her out into the hallway. She has brown hair pulled back into pigtails. Someone should have told her that pigtails dies out with _Little House on the Prairie_. I point at myself, and she nods.

"Are you the guy from the alley?"

"Yes?" Please let her be talking about my run-in with Hermione. The last thing I need is for someone to think that I'm the hooker they bought.

"Good. Hermione's waiting for you," she says before ducking back into the room. Phew! Possible sex scandal averted. Not even Bill Clinton is this good.

My heart is racing as I trudge down the hall, alternately from anticipation and dread. I might finally get some answers. Then again, they might not be answers that I want to hear. It could be that I'm part of some government project to send teenagers into a virtual reality program to see if they can be trained to salivate at the sound of a bell. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Virtual reality is so 90's. This is probably something more like "simulated reality." That sounds more twenty-first century.

The room is the same set up as the one that Zidane, Vivi, and I share. However, instead of three beds, there are only two.

"Sit down," Hermione orders as soon as I catch sight of her. Bossy much?

Hermione and Lilka, don't ask me why I didn't recognize her in the hall, are sitting together on one of the beds, so I sit opposite them on the empty one. I feel really overdressed for this. If you'll remember, I'm still in the suit. Plus, it's a little damp from that downpour Michael and I danced in.

A long moment of silence passes before anyone speaks up, and then it's Lilka. "I thought you guys were going to talk about switching worlds and stuff. It's boring just sitting here."

"Um, I take it she knows," I comment stupidly. What can I say? Hermione knows more about this than I do, and she is the one that invited me here.

Before she has the opportunity to confirm or deny my observation, Lilka answer my question. "Of course I do. We're best friends, after all."

Hermione the know-it-all is friends with this girl who was always portrayed as less than intelligent? Meh, she was friends with Ron in the books, so I guess it makes sense.

"When you equipped this," Hermione pulls out her necklace and fingers the yellow stone set in the middle, "did you get images of people in other worlds?" How did she know that the term for putting Materia into weapons and/or bangles (and, it seems, necklaces) is known as equipping. She always seemed more the bookish type than an RPG fan.

I close my eyes and remember the three people I had seen. "Yeah. Why, did you?"

She nods. "There were these two girls at Hogwarts who were in some incredibly bizarre Muggle garb, and then some other weirdoes in worlds that I have never seen before."

"Come on, get to the good stuff!" Lilka squeals. "Tell him your theory!"

My right eyebrow shoots up into the heavens. So, she brought me here to share her ideas as to how we got here. Wonderful. Now all I need is to know how to get back home. She probably doesn't know that, though. What with her still being here and all.

The girl attempts to brush her frizzy brown hair out of her face, but fails miserably. All she really needs is a good conditioner and that problem is gone. Of course the nerd wouldn't get that. She had to go and buy some weird potion to get her hair straight for the ball in _Goblet of Fire_. Man, to see her in that dress must've been a sight. Still, I wonder when the love triangle will be resolved. Is she going to choose Harry or Ron? I'm going to have to ask her about that while I have the chance.

She clears her throat, recapturing my attention, and then takes a deep breath. "Well, I've been here on Gaia for a few months, so I've had the opportunity to look into this phenomenon. Traveling between planes of existence is fairly common, what with astral projection and all. However, I believe that we're on the same level of space, just in another section of the universe, another dimension, so to speak."

"No. Really?" I mutter sarcastically under my breath. She must have heard me, because she shoots a dirty look in my direction before continuing. It's hard to tell if she's actually talking to me, or if she's just talking to hear her own voice.

"It's an incredibly rare thing to experience, if the one book about it I found at the academy is correct. When it happens, people don't actually disappear from their world and reappear in another. They actually exist in innumerable realities. Physically, that is. It is their consciousness, the more religious among us might refer to it as the 'soul,' that is transferred. Usually, people are completely unaware of the various realities around them…"

"What does this have to do with me?" I ask, finding myself growing bored already. What does this have to do with me getting sucked into a videogame?

A frustrated sigh escapes her. "You and I have most likely traveled into another reality, leaving behind our bodies and inhabiting these ones!"

"So I'm dead?"

"No," Hermione smacks her forehead. What is she talking about? I could be back in my room right now, listening to Zidane brag about how he got to second base with Alma, but I just had to come talk to Hermione. This definitely wasn't a waste of my time. "You're alive, but you've just traveled to another world. Your body is back in your home world, doing whatever it is you normally do. The you that is here is the you that was there, but it's not the you that was here before you got here. Got it?"

"Um, could I buy a vowel?" I joke. Okay, this is all over my head. It seems Lilka doesn't entirely get it either, because she went from being loud and perky to nodding off on Hermione's shoulder.

"Forget it. Why did I think I could get someone else, even someone who is experiencing this, to understand?" she mutters before standing up. "You can go now. I need to get some sleep. The Festival of the Hunt is tomorrow, after all."

Come on! She has me come over here, and then gets mad when I don't get her science mumbo jumbo. Or is it magic? Either way, she hasn't said a thing about cute I look in this outfit. Some people… It seems that manners isn't something that teach at Hogwarts, or the Seilje region. Wherever it is she's from.

"Fine. Whatever. There are things more important than going home. I actually happen to like being here. I've made friends, bought cute clothes, and even…"

Wait, how is any of this her business? No wonder nobody liked her in the books. Not the people reading the books, but the actual characters. Meh, you know what I mean. Besides, where the heck is her accent? She's supposed to be British, unless her coming to Gaia screwed that up and gave her the same accent as everyone else. I definitely know that there haven't been any language barriers for me to deal with so far. Except for Steiner. How one man can have so many different ways to say one word, as well as multiple descriptions of my bloody death, yet refer to me as a ragamuffin beyond me.

"See you around," I mutter as I stand up and leave. Lilka gives a feeble wave, accompanied with a yawn. Hermione just glares at me.

After closing the door behind me, I try to think of just what I can do. It would be kind of pathetic to return to my room after being gone for only five minutes. Besides, Zidane probably thinks that I'm still upset with him or whatever. Vivi is off with his friends. There's no way I could get into the castle to see Dagger, and I have no idea where Alma lives. That leaves either bugging Michael or experiencing the unknown Lindblum nightlife. Seeing as how I still don't even know exactly what Michael and I are, I suppose I could take a walk.

There's nobody around when I reach the lobby. A quick glance out the window shows that it's really thick with Mist outside, just it was last night. I didn't think to bring Michael's coat with me. It's sitting upstairs with my satchel. At least it's safe, if you call being with Zidane safe. "World famous," a.k.a. virtually unknown, thief watching over it: that doesn't seem like the best idea. He wouldn't steal from me, though. We've made up. I think.

It's silent out, a contrast to the celebration that was going on just hours ago. Where is everyone?

My footsteps click eerily on the cobblestones. The wind is also bitingly cold, so I pull the jacket for my suit tight around myself. When I was wandering through town with Dagger and Alma today, I noticed that most of the businesses closed at ten. Where can I go to kill some time? Hmm, there's that pub that Zidane went to in the game, but that's in the Industrial District. What if the aircabs aren't running?

A chilly aura surrounds me as I walk to the aircab. For some reason, I'm actually afraid. It could be that I'm actually alone for the first time since coming here. I've always been with someone. The only time I wasn't was when I took off earlier tonight, but there were all kinds of people around. Last night, I was with Michael on my way to the inn. There's nobody with me now. Nope, definitely alone. Just me, nobody else. Nobody at all…

I'm out of breath when I reach the aircab station, despite the fact that it's practically across the street. Running tends to do that. stupid me, scaring the crap out of myself. Like some Freddy-esque serial killer is actually going to bother me. The girl who's about to get some is supposed to be the one to die, followed by her "dancing" partner. Get it? Get the innuendo? "Dancing" really means… oh, forget it. I'm sure you already know.

There's a light on inside, so I pull open the door. Some raggedy looking people, including the old pickle lady, are asleep in the chairs. Most likely homeless. Then again, this is the Middle Ages. A lot of people are poor. It's a wonder we're even able to stay in the inn, since I'm not paying with that big wad of cash that I got from the mysterious woman in the white dress that I've never seen or met.

"We're you headed kid? Most people aren't out this late," the guy behind the booth asks with a yawn. "Only the dodgy ones are. You aren't one of them thieves, are you?"

"No," I answer as honestly as I can. The only thing I ever stole in my life was some chrome fingernail polish, unless you count the books that I got from the inn in Dali. That isn't stealing to me, though. That's karma for the innkeeper being an evil kidnapping jerk. "I'm just a tourist. Do you know if the Doom Pub is open?"

He looks me over before giving me one of those "you've got to be kidding me" looks.

"Kid, that place is always open. Don't know why you'd want to go there, though. You seem like the type that enjoys being alive."

"Just send me to the Industrial District," I say huffily. Huh, that's an actual word? (A/N: Really, my spell check okayed it and I'm stuck in the Canadian version of English, in case you haven't noticed.)

"Your funeral," he retorts while pushing the button to make the door on the aircab open. I step inside and feel around in my pockets to see if I have any money in them. Before the ball, I stuck some in just in case I had to tip the waiters or something. Luckily, a couple hundred Gil are produced. Yay! Now I can actually get something to eat. If there's anything there worth eating, that is.

The door closes with a "woosh" and I sit in a seat as it begins to move. Why don't they make people pay to use this thing? The government would make a mint if it did that. People in Lindblum are so used to riding the aircabs that they'd just shell out the money rather than walk or ride chocobos around town. At least, that's what I'm guessing when comparing it to my own experiences. Americans whine and complain about gas prices, but rather than bike or walk the four blocks down the street to the grocery store, they feel the need to hop right in the car and continue to live in the vicious world of ever rising gas prices. Thank you, Al Gore. You deserve the Nobel Prize.

What's the big deal with the Dom Pub, anyway? Zidane invited me to go with him when we first got here, and he wouldn't take me somewhere dangerous. Wait a minute. Of course, he would. This _is_ Zidane we're talking about. The man has no clue when it comes to me and my safety. He forced me to go up against Rude, remember?

I stand up after the aircab comes to a stop. Nobody steps on when I get off, and the attendant behind the glass gives me a look when I step off. Hmm, is it because I'm out so late, or does the fact that I'm walking around unarmed, and wearing nothing more than my slightly damp and slightly wrinkled outfit from the dance. Even now, I bet I look amazing. Michael is one lucky man.

"Could you tell me how to get to the Doom Pub?" I ask. She, as it's a woman, gives me the same look that I received from the guy back in the Business District. Luckily, she gives me directions instead of a warning.

With a "thank you," I wave and step back into the foggy, Mist-filled (aren't those the same thing?) streets of Lindblum. The cold feeling is much worse this time around. What is going on? I ran around Alexandria and Evil Forest at night, and last night Michael and I ran around. Wait, haven't I mentioned that already? Anyway, during that time, I never felt the sense of danger that I do now. Not even in Evil Forest. Then again, thoughts of killing Zidane over poo might have been a bit of a distraction.

"Well, well. Look at what we have here," a cool voice laughs cruelly. Goosebumps begin crawling up my spine. This is so not good. Not good at all. In fact, this is probably bad. _Ultraviolet_ bad. Seriously, was there any plot to that movie? So what if Milla Jovovich runs around killing people and gets a nude shot? That happened in _The Fifth Element_, _Resident Evil_, and _Resident Evil Apocalypse_, too. At least the first two had some semblance of plot and character depth. The second movie featuring Alice was so bad that I couldn't believe the Mary-Sue aspects of Alice and Jill. Bleh. At least Eric Mabius had the brains to turn it down. Now he's doing _Ugly Betty_, the best new show by the way. Poor NBC, losing its entire Thursday audience to the aforementioned show and _Grey's Anatomy_. I do like Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin's new show, though.

Oh, right. I think I'm being mugged.

"What exactly do you have?" I snort in an attempt to hide my fear. Something tells me that it isn't working very well.

"Elena, do you want to do the honours?"

Elena? That crazy psycho is here? That means that Rude and Reno are probably here, too. Crap. How did the Turks even get into Lindblum without being discovered? Surely, Lara alerted the guards that they might be coming. Unless they slipped in during the whole "a group of idiots have crashed an airship into the castle" craziness.

"Don't I know you?" the blonde asks as she steps into view. Indeed, her two cohorts are here too. Rude and Reno follow her into my line of view. Still no sight of Tseng. Hopefully, he won't show up.

"Nope. I'm just a local on his way to the pub," I say with an attempt at a whistle as I stroll past her. Unfortunately, I don't know how to whistle, so I just blow air through puckered lips.

She grabs my collar and throws me to the ground. Stones dig into my forearm, and I sure that my suit must have ripped, but I don't say anything. Fear tends to do that.

"I do know you," she leers, kneeling next to me. "You're that punk, the one who stole my shoes. I would like them back. My mommy made them for me."

"Huh?" why doesn't she recognize me? Oh, right, the bald thing. Then why are they ganging up on me? "Excuse me, but I never took your shoes."

"Sure you did. Didn't he, boys?" she asks Rude and Reno. Rude nods casually, as though he doesn't care, but Reno gives her the thumbs up. "See. Now give me my shoes."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I argue. She responds by punching me. The pain, it's just as I remembered: unbearable with a touch of agonizing. Kind of like Whoopi Goldberg. Sure, she's funny every now and then, but do we have to listen to all the crap between the jokes?

Reno holds me down while Elena pulls my shoes off. Of course, I struggle valiantly, but they somehow manage to overpower me.

After they take off, I stand up and look down at my socked feet. This is depressing. They took my shoes! I would have preferred it if they'd just realized who I was and beat me up. Geez, the Turks are now petty thieves, too. Are there no villains for a young man to idolize anymore? A man needs more than Sephiroth and Kefka. That's right, I know Kefka. Just because I don't own the game doesn't mean that I haven't played it. There's something known as going to a friend's house. Or, in my case, going with my brother to his friend's house and watching them play videogames while my brother's friend's little brother, who just happens to be my age, makes fun of my ability to throw a ball. Ha! I'd like to see how he'd deal with a situation like this. He'd probably be all "Hey, give me a sword so that I can kill things. Woo hoo! Look at me, I'm a Gary Stu. I rule. Hey, who wants to go get drunk and check out women?"

Actually, that kind of sounds like someone else I know. Maybe I should reconsider this analogy…

"Jerks," I mutter as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Those shoes went so well with this outfit, with did get ruined. There's a hole about the size of the tip of a needle on the left wrist. What? A man is supposed to be able to notice these things.

You know, I'm going to let this get me down. I'm going to the pub anyway.

The Doom Pub is actually very lively. I hear it before I actually see it. It's all lit up, and I can see the silhouettes of rather large men in the windows. Inside, it's how one would expect a pub to look. Dingy, wooden floors and tables made of warped wood abound. A pretty young woman seats me at the and leans over to take my order, her breasts practically falling into my lap.

"What I do for you tonight?" she asks in a husky voice.

"Um, what's in the Berserk Stew?" I ask while trying to scoot as far away from her as possible without falling onto the floor.

"Just water, Dead Peppers, and selects portions of chopped vegetables. It's not very popular, though. Most guys here like to have little something that they can actually sink their teeth into."

I assure her that I'm fine with the stew, and she walks away to fill some random drunkard's mug with her bottom lip sticking out.

"Nobody's ever turned down Xu before, ya know," the guy sitting next to me says. I look over and a mountains of tanned muscles. Of course, I know who it is. Who says 'ya know' anymore? "Name's Raijin, and this here is Fujin."

Leaning forward, I look past Seifer's flunky to see the pale, silver-haired woman with the eye patch. She casually looks me over, then returns to her meal. Rude, much?

"I'm Rick." He offers his hand and I shake it.

"We're in town for the Festival, of course. I'm the one competing, though. She never does that kind of stuff, ya know." Fujin kicks the back of his leg, but doesn't say anything. Her friend, or whatever the heck Raijin is to her, cries out and grabs his calf before focusing his attention back on me. "You here for the festival? You don't seem much the fighting type, ya know."

"Yeah, I know," I say with a smile as Xu drops off my Stew, spilling about half of it onto the bar. Well, I know someone who's not getting a tip. "Say, you know her name, but you said you're only here for the Festival. How is that possible?"

Raijin's eyes light up while Fujin shakes her head and covers half of her face with her left hand. Her right is still around the handle of her drink. "Well, me, Fujin, and Xu all grew up together here in Lindblum. Me and Fujin just weren't into the whole settling down thing, ya know. So we're adventurers. We do take on some mercenary work every now and then, though. Mostly it's just killing monsters, but every now and then there's a request to capture an escaped criminal or something. It's actually pretty exciting, ya know."

"Cool." I slurp down some of the Stew. It's not too bad. Better than getting mugged by Elena, anyway.

"So, what do you do?" Raijin inquires. Good question. What do I do, exactly?

There's a few seconds of silence between Raijin's question and my answer. He doesn't seem to notice, though. Fujin just doesn't care. "Um, me? I'm a, um, adventurer, too. I work for Tantalus, this traveling troupe of actors. Nobody wants to see me act, so I just help make sure that the costumes and stuff are taken care of."

"I've heard of Tantalus," Raijin nods. "Someone told me that they're behind the kidnapping of Princess Garnet in Alexandria, ya know. Do you know anything about that?"

"Don't look at me," I answer nervously. "I'm just a hired hand who got left off the trip to Alexandria because my mother died."

"That's sad, ya know." Raijin pulls me into a big hug. He actually bought it. This guy really is as stupid as they say. If he and Steiner ever got together for a talk, it would consist of nothing more than the two men saying "Princess" and "ya know" to each other.

On the other hand, Fujin is staring at me all squinty-eyed. Having one eye must make that hard.

"Well, I guess I better be going," I say when Raijin lets go of me.

"Aren't you going to finish your stew?" Raijin asks, looking at the half-empty bowl of something or other than I ate one spoonful of.

While standing up, I fake a yawn. "Nah, I just stopped by to grab a bite to eat on my way home. I have to get up early and hunt for a job again. I haven't seen hide nor hair of the Tantalus guys."

"See you around," Raijin says with a wave. I wave back and walk out the door. There's enough money at my place for the food. Aside from the fact that she's a rude waitress, the idea of Xu being a flirt scares me. Why couldn't she have been a bossy soldier for Alexandria? That seems so much more appropriate.

I run all the way to the aircab station, afraid of running into someone who wants to steal something else from me. Stupid Elena and her stupid big feet.

When I get back to the inn, run-in free, I walk straight to my room. Screw Hermione. I wasted enough time trying to figure out what was going on without her rude behind confusing me even more. She said that she was here competing in the Festival, so I hope a Trick Sparrow pecks her eyes out or something.

Zidane is already asleep, so I just shed the outer layer of my outfit, fold it and set it on Vivi's bed, and climb under my own covers. Hopefully, Michael is still waiting to ravage me. After the crappiness that I just had to go through, I need some happy time.

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A/N: Whew! That was weird chapter, and boring, too. Poor Rick, mugged by the Turks and forced to talk to Raijin. How can one person stand it? Also, please tell me that Rick was the only one confused by Hermione's explanation as to how they got to Gaia. I tried so hard to come up with something tangible with a basis in science fiction, as opposed to forever relying on fantasy. (Then again, the series is known as "Final Fantasy"…)

The response to Michael is surprising, though. You guys actually seem to like him. Here I was expecting cries of "Michael must die! Rick and Zidane forever! We want our meaningless fluff!" Instead, you like him. You really like him! So, tell me, is this whole budding relationship moving at a believable pace?

There is no need to worry, though. I do have plenty of Ziddick (get it? Just combine Zidane with Rick, and you get a name that rhymes with a so-so movie series) fluff in the future. Just wait for the next chapter. You'll see what I'm talking about.


	14. The Hunt

Chapter 14: The Hunt

A/N: Congratulate me on my slowness! I am now the (somewhat) proud owner of a Nintendo Gamecube. The Wii would have been a better buy, I know, but when you live with two kids under the age of five, you don't exactly want to go next-gen on your game consoles. The main reason I bought it was Tales of Symphonia. However, while at the local gaming store (of which my town has TWO), I also picked up Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. Now all I need is to get a DS and play FFIII and I'm good. (FFXII is somewhat of a letdown.)

Some advice, though. Should I get an Xbox 360 or PS3? I'm going to wait a year for both (since there are plenty of good games that I've yet to beat, like the one I'm supposed to be doing an SI of!), but I want to know which one appears to be the better buy. Right now, I'm leaning towards the 360, but I've heard more rumblings about Blu-Ray than HD-DVD.

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"Ow! That hurts. Are you sure you know what you're doing?" I scream. Pain is bad. That is why I am not into S&M.

"Well, if you'd just relax, then it wouldn't hurt," Zidane scolds as his hands roughly knead my shoulders.

When I woke up this morning, my neck hurt. It wasn't anything major. There was just a little stiffness. Either it's a delayed thing from the mugging, or I just slept on it wrong. Having to look up at Raijin whenever I spoke to him might have contributed to it, though.

Zidane offered a massage, which I accepted. He sat on the bed, and I got onto the floor between his legs. It sounds more perverted than it actually is, you perverts. The man cannot give a massage to save his life, though. It's like he's stabbing me with little pins every time he touches me. And I don't mean the "foot falling asleep needle sensation", either.

"Stop!" I cry when I've finally had enough. My neck doesn't feel any better. Actually, it feels worse. Where did he learn to give a massage? Hurting people school? Please tell me that I did not actually express that thought.

"Geez, Princess," he sighs before standing up. He offers me a hand, and then pulls me to my feet. "It's not my fault you're so tense. What's up with you, anyway? You've been weirder than usual lately: running off in the middle of the night to meet up with people. How stupid can you get? That's when all of the thieves are out."

"You would know," I mutter as I look down at my feet. My socks are all dirty and torn from the walk home. The pub probably didn't help things, either. Stupid Elena and her stupid shoe stealing fetish. Isn't it enough that she beat me up in Ice Cavern? Sure, she may not have recognized me, but that didn't give her the right to take my shoes away. I don't want to go back to the boots. They're bulky, smelly, and uncomfortable. Who cares if they survived the trek to Lindblum? They clash with absolutely everything I have! Okay, so I only have two outfits. That's what shopping is for.

"So, my reputation precedes me." A big grin crosses his face. Ego alert! Can someone please stab him for me? I would do it, but there is the fact that his daggers are sitting on the nightstand, which is about a foot away from where he's sitting. Dying really isn't on my to-do list today. Zidane, however, is still really enamoured with himself. "Then again, I _am_ the famous Zidane Tribal. That's why the ladies love me."

Really? I thought the "ladies" loved him because he lied about how great he is. That's how K-Fed got Britney. Until she left him for Paris Hilton, that is. Ooh! Lesbian inference.

"Honey, what are you doing today?" I ask to change the subject. Do we really need to discuss Zidane's virtues? There aren't that many of them, after all.

He stretches with a yawn and looks out the window at the rising sun. "Well, there is the Hunt this afternoon. That's pretty much it until they crown me the winner."

Is that confidence or the raging ego again? Probably the latter.

After rolling my eyes, I grab my satchel and run into the bathroom to look myself over. The baldness catches me off guard at first. However, I'm getting used to it. My teeth are starting to yellow from the lack of brushing, but they feel clean.

"Are you really doing it?" I ask as I poke at each tooth with my tongue to check their sturdiness.

"Doing what?"

"The Hunt, of course," I ask as I pull my shirt off. My body is covered with bruises from the whole Rude/airship crash fiasco. How I'm able to move without feeling pain is beyond me. Maybe the Rick of this world is a little tougher than the Rick of Earth. That would explain a lot. For example, how I managed to stay calm during the mugging last night when back home I probably would have screamed bloody murder and curled into a ball. "What would I be talking about?"

"How should I know?" he retorts. I hear something come into contact with the bathroom door and assume that he's leaning against it. "With you, it could be anything. I'm telling you now, though, that I will never go out with another Noble. It's all commoners for me."

After I finish changing and stuff my old outfit into the bag, I open the door without warning and Zidane crashes to the floor. Hah! About time someone besides me did that.

"What's wrong with Alma?" I ask as I lean over him. "She seemed pretty cool when I hung out with her yesterday."

"She's fine, I guess," he answers as I help him to his feet. "The girl is just kind of stuck on herself."

"Sounds like you," I chuckle. "Are you sure you're not soulmates?"

Zidane gives me a look but doesn't say anything. That has to be a first.

We finish getting with our morning stuff and head out to pick up Vivi. Apparently, Zidane told the mother of our little buddy's friends that there was something we needed the black mage for. Gee, what could that be? Methinks the Festival of the Hunt.

"Hey, Princess, have you been around Lindblum, yet?" Zidane asks out of the blue when we board the aircab.

This is going to be one of those stupid conversations. I can just tell. What does he think I was doing with Dagger and Alma yesterday when I was shopping? Definitely not going to some bargain basement clothing store that's for sure. There's only one or two good pieces of clothing in those places, and they're bought by people whole should not be wearing them.

"I have seen Lindblum, moron," I snap. It's way too early in the morning for this. "I went to Somebody and Rinoa's boutique with the girls, amongst other places."

He then proceeds to laugh in my face. Such a polite young man, that Zidane. When I ask what's so funny, he informs me that I've only been to the "snobby, uptight, and rich version" of the city. Maybe I should tell him about my excursion to the Doom Pub last night.

"Geez, not even you _painter_ boyfriend has shown you around? That's sad. Really sad, Princess. I'm going to have to show you the real Lindblum."

Did you notice the emphasis he placed on "painter?" I know I did. I'm not too happy about it either.

"You'll have to forgive me, Honey," I respond snidely. "Michael and I haven't had much time for sightseeing. You know, with all of the making out and groping…"

Zidane throws his hands up in what I hope is mock disgust. Like Michael and I have actually made out. There was the one kiss in the street. That's it. Oh, and the one walking back to the inn, and the one outside the inn. I can't forget the one before we said goodnight or the one after. Hmm, come to think of it, I think we may have made out. Cool.

"Gah! Please, I do _not_ need to hear about your love life with that guy. There are plenty of bad images going through my head already concerning you two. I do not need anymore."

"Hey! You're always talking about your many, many women. Quit being such a hypocrite!" I counter with a finger to his chest.

Thiefy McRobbington knocks my hand away and rolls his eyes. "It is not the same thing. For starters, my romances are actually interesting. Like this one time, I was in Ascantha with the guys and we were staying one of those little inns run by older couples. Well, their granddaughter was helping them out for the winter, and she definitely wasn't frigid. After dinner our second night there, I went to my room and found her tightening the sheets on my bed. Let me just tell you that those sheets weren't the only tight…"

"Stop!" I cry as I put my hands over my ears. Nothing can make me sit through one of Zidane's stories about his conquests. Mostly because they're lies, but also because I have the feeling he'll end up getting really graphic.

The aircab jerks to a stop and we walk off to find ourselves outside the entrance to the castle. There aren't pleasant memories of this place for me. After all, the last time I was here people kept hitting me. that, and I had to talk to Cid. Even though I know it's a spell, I still want to squash him like, well, a bug. Of course, that would involve ruining my shoes… Oh, right, Elena stole them and I have to wear those hideous again. There's nothing wrong with the boots, of course, it's just that going from my shoes to these things is like going from a nice pair of Choos to Reeboks.

"Ready?" the monkey asks as he puts an arm around my shoulders in that oh-so-wonderful brotherly way that makes me want to hit him. I do not want to have to think about my idiot brother while I'm actually enjoying myself for once. Why couldn't I have woken up with amnesia like Terra?

"For what?" I ask suspiciously. He better not have signed me up for the Hunt. If he did, I swear that something will die at my hands, and it won't count for my score in the competition. "What did you do?"

His lips are sealed, though. Stupid Zidane. I want so badly to hit him.

"Rick!" Two voices cry in unison when I walk into the actual castle. Next thing I know, I'm receiving a hug from Dagger and Alma, as well as a look of intense jealousy from Zidane.

"What happened last night?" Dagger asks curiously. "You just took off in the middle of the ball. It was all anyone could talk about. Then Zidane came back and said something about Michael…"

"What did that hot hunk of man do?" the blonde girl asks as she elbows the princess aside to talk to me. "Did he show up and tell you that it was over? If he did, I can so totally send Cecil and Kain after him. They may not like it, but they have to do what I tell them. It's one of the perks of being nobility."

"That did not happen!" Dagger insists as she jostles back into my field of vision. "You were just depressed about being stood up, weren't you?"

Ah, gossiping teenagers. How I have missed this.

"Actually," I tease as I feel my lips forming into a smile. "I met up with Michael, and he kissed me."

"Open-mouthed or a peck on the cheek?" Alma is getting really into it. Am I being interrogated?

"Let's just say that I know what he had for breakfast yesterday," I hint as the two squeal. Alma declares her jealously and Dagger offers me her congratulations. Like she's getting off that easy. "Say, Dagger. I wasn't the only one engaging in the locking of the lips last night. What was up with the cute blonde?"

Her eyes grow wider than I've ever seen eyes get. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you do." Alma nudges her friend in the side. "Go ahead, tell him all about Seifer. It's not like I wouldn't after you left."

"Thanks a lot," the brunette says sarcastically. She sighs and her shoulders droop along with her head. She mumbles something, but I can't hear her. Neither can Alma. The volatile blonde actually stomps on Dagger's foot and the princess cries out, more in shock than anything else. Soon the sound of clinking metal fills the air. My blood begins to run cold as I hear that two-syllable battle cry.

"PRINCESS!"

A hand grabs the back of my neck and I'm easily thrown to the side as Steiner grabs Dagger and looks her over for damage. She assures him that he's fine, and I suddenly find myself looking down the edge of a sword… again. This is getting really old.

"How dare you harm the princess!" he cries while jabbing me in the chest. Can I just say that the point of that thing really hurts? How would he like it if I poked him with something metallic and sharp? Somebody get me a sewing needle. I know an eye that needs poked out. "I should kill you now, heathen!"

There's the sound of rapping on metal, and Steiner and I both look to see Alma tapping Steiner's shoulder. "Excuse me, Mr. Psychotic Knight. I stepped on Garnet. Leave the man alone."

Steiner's face goes as white as a sheet. Hah! Stupid Steiner needs to learn that I am _not_ the be all end all of evil in the world. In fact, I'm the only thing keeping this place from being a total snoozefest. This wouldn't be a very fun adventure if I just went along with the base plot, now would it? In fact, it would get pretty darn depressing after Dagger takes off during the banquet…

Hold on a minute. That's something I haven't decided. Who am I going to go with when the group splits up? Zidane is my buddy, but Dagger is my girl. Besides, something tells me that facing Beatrix twice and getting cornered in Cleyra by Alexandrian troops is slightly more dangerous than meeting up with Marcus and going to Treno. Wait. That's wrong, too. Marcus was the one caught in Evil Forest. So, who is going to join Dagger and Steiner? Why isn't this making any sense at all? Hermione said something about me being here while my original body is still back home doing what I would do. Does that have anything to do with what's going on? Have I inhabited an empty shell or switched bodies with the Rick from this world whose past I don't even know? All that on top of the constant change in side characters and main events. Yeah, something tells me that when all is said and done, this could be trouble.

"My… my apologies…" Steiner sounds about ready to spontaneously combust as he helps me up, stares at his hand as though he wishes it would fall off, and then clinks away to watch us from the shadows.

"That was weird," Alma states. Hmm, could anything be more obvious? Aside from Michael Jackson's plastic surgery, that is.

"Tell me about it. That is the nicest Steiner has ever been to me. I don't like it," I mutter as I brush the dust off my shirt.

For the first time, I actually look around the room to see who all is here. Zidane is standing by Vivi, whom I haven't spoken to in ages, and watching a set of stairs intently. Raijin and Fujin are here, too. In fact, there are a lot of people here with weapons. Big, sharp weapons. Is this the beginning of the Festival of the Hunt? If it is, where is Freya?

"Hey, Rick!" Zidane calls, waving me over as a man begins to descend down the stairs with a sheet of parchment in his hands. I nod at the girls and run over. Hey, if he signed me up, I don't want to give him a head start in escaping the MCoDs.

"Ahem," the man clears his throat. "The Festival of the Hunt is a tradition in Lindblum spanning several centuries…"

He goes on to describe the history of the event in full, and I feel my eyelids begin to droop from boredom. History class never really suited me. I lean on Zidane and yawn. He moves and I fall to the floor rather loudly. Oh, painfully, too. It hurts a lot. Why can't I stay off the floor? Oh, by the way, Mister Reading Guy hasn't skipped a beat.

Next he goes on about the rules, which is considerably shorter. When he finishes, he begins reading off the names of those who have signed up. When they hear their names called, they announce what they want as an award and are assigned to one of the three different Districts to begin. Freya's name is the first one called that I recognize, and the rat woman jumps down from a balcony with relative ease. She is wearing the red getup from the game and answers that wants a coral ring, instead of an Add-On. Then again, I suppose you wouldn't exactly use videogame terminology when it's real life. Anyway, she's assigned to the Industrial District.

Raijin is called next, and he declares that he wants a lot of Gil. A few names later is Fujin, who just shouts "CHOKER!" The man asks if she means a gold one, and the pale woman nods her affirmation. I should probably get one synthesized while I'm in Lindblum. It would look awesome with my current outfit. Of course, I would dye it black to match, but that's beside the point.

"Tribal, Zidane," the man says as he looks around. The man of the minute perks up beside and says that he, like Raijin, also wants Gil.

"Give me a bunch of it, too! I need a lot of money to please the ladies," he grins before I slap him in the back of the head. I look over at Dagger and Alma before getting smacked myself. They were laughing, and now they're laughing even harder.

Little Vivi is next. His eyes get wide, and I back away as Zidane gets chewed out by Dagger, Alma, and especially Steiner. Then the thief kneels next to my cute little buddy and whispers something in his ear. Vivi then says the P-word and Steiner goes off. Right at that moment, a warm hand is placed on my shoulder. I turn around and see Lara Croft looking at me.

"Rick, would you please come with me?" she requests. I look at my friends for support, but they're all engrossed on the spectacle that the other three male members of the Fabulous Friends are causing.

"S-sure," I answer nervously. We're gone before Vivi answers, but I'm going to assume that the black mage chose a card.

The Prime Minister and I walk through the halls of the castle. Have I mentioned that place is much bigger than the game lets on?

After a minutes of awkward silence, she looks down at me and sighs. "Rick, what do you know about Ascantha?"

That's the second time I've heard that place mentioned. Wasn't it a minor kingdom in Dragon Quest VIII? The one with the widower for a king, if I remember correctly. That's beside the point, though. What is important is why it's being mentioned in a game that shouldn't even know of its existence. Don't tell me that this place has imported places as well as people. That would mean I'm completely out of the FFIX that I know, love, and have yet to beat. Seriously, there's only one game that I've been able to beat without cheating, and that's Legend of Dragoon. Oh, please tell me that Dart, Rose, and the rest of those idiots won't be here. Well, I wouldn't mind Meru. She seems like a lot of fun, but I can definitely live without the rest.

"What?" I ask, forgetting the question that Lara just posed to me.

"Have you ever been to Ascantha?"

It would really help if I had some of the memories from the Rick here. "Umm… No, I don't think so. Why do you ask? Is it something important? Am I going there with Alma and Dagger to be an international fashion consultant for some sort of royalty?"

She seems to be caught a little off guard by that response, but retains her collected demeanour. "No, it's just that a friend of mine is a citizen there, and he thought he recognized you is all."

"Is that it?"

"Yes."

For some reason, I don't buy it. Call it my own manly version of women's intuition. "Are you sure?"

"I am, Rick."

"Really?"

Lara turns me around and gives me a little push back in the direction of the assembled warriors. Oh, joy. "Just go back to your friends, Rick."

"Are you sure?" I attempt one last time, but Lara just gives me a shove. Fine. She must be going through menopause or something. Not that I'm going to blame everything on PMS and such, but come on. All I did was ask her if were done. It's not like I was being excessive or anything like that.

Okay, so not only do I have the whole Brahne thing to worry about, now I have an unknown past to deal with. This friend of Lara's could very well have recognized me. I am a very distinctive looking person, what with my exceptional good looks and exquisite taste in clothing.

"Where is everyone?" I say when I reach the room only to see Steiner, Alma, and Dagger standing there. They must have been waiting for me. At least Cecil and Kain aren't anywhere around. They scare me even more than Steiner does. They're competent. "Did the Hunt start already?"

Dagger nods. "Everyone is getting to their designated district. We were going to go root for Zidane and Vivi. Do you want to come?"

I shake my head and explain that I'm not really into the whole hunting thing. This is something I probably should have explained to my friends earlier. In addition, to be being a vegetarian, I was also a bit of an animal rights activist back home on Earth. The Hunt is against every principal I hold. Sure, I didn't say anything while monsters were slaughtered in Evil Forest or on the way to Dali. That was self-defence, though. This is just pointless butchery. There's no way I'm going to support this. Of course, I'm still not going to tell them that. The last thing I need is for them to think I'm just as crazy as Steiner.

Two of three depart, Alma opting to stay behind and keep me company. I hope she doesn't ask me about Zidane. The last thing I want is to tell her that my monkey man is nothing more than gigolo. That's right, I said gigolo.

"So, earlier we were talking about Seifer, right?" Alma asks as she leans really close to my face.

"Yeah," I confirm.

"You were wondering what he was to Garnet, right?"

A nod answers the question, as she gets even closer. I can literally see her pores, and someone is in desperate need of a facial. Clog City. It's a surprise she doesn't have acne. Maybe she's on the potion program like me. I haven't had a single zit since coming here, though that may have something to do with the diet and living conditions.

"Well, Seifer is her fiancé." Alma backs away and watches to see just how I'll react.

Okay, this is definitely getting weird. Dagger never mentioned a word about being engaged, and it was never something I had to deal with in the game. I actually wish Hermione were here. Then I could ask her what the heck was going on. Sure, it'd confuse the heck out of me, but at least there could be some words to associate with the phenomenon.

"You're kidding. She never even dropped a hint that she was off the market!" I exclaim. "Why wouldn't she tell me that she's engaged?"

Alma gives me a look that says she thinks I'm stupid. "I thought you were a knight in Alexandria. Why wouldn't you know that the princess was engaged to the second-in-command of the entire Alexandrian military forces?"

Second-in-command? Seifer? Of course, that egomaniac has power in this world. Why wouldn't he? Life just loves to screw me over like that. I really wish someone would tell me why there are so many people here that don't belong. Like me, for starters.

"Then again, she really doesn't want to marry him anymore."

You could've fooled me. "What was with the making out, then? It kind of seemed like she didn't mind his tongue being all over her tonsils."

"Tonsils?" Alma looks completely clueless, which brings to mind the fact the fact that these guys are probably clueless about anything medical, what with their lack of doctors and chronic use of magic to fix every problem. If only we could do that back on earth. (A/N: Sorry, I'm a little bitter about having wisdom teeth cut out. Not being able to eat solid foods is about as bad as it gets.)

"Never mind," I respond as I shake my head. "Just tell me why Dagger wouldn't want to marry a guy that she was making out with."

A funny little look crosses Alma's face. "I don't want to marry the guy, either, but I'd still get it on with him. Wouldn't you? Then again, you have the hunky guy that works at that cute little store."

"You mean Michael? Yeah, he's great. I wouldn't cheat on him. Seifer isn't that cute, after all."

She then tells me how crazy I am. So what if he has that hot, bad boy thing going on? Blondes aren't my thing. Well, platinum blondes. Zidane is more of a dirty blonde.

Um… I mean Michael is a brunette. Blondes aren't my type.

We walk through the castle halls for about an hour, chatting about absolutely nothing. Just making plans to get together after the hunt for more shopping. She promises to show me a great place to buy jewellery. It has necklaces, bracelets, and all other manner of decorative trinkets. I do need to gussy myself up. Being pretty is hard work.

Alma glances out a window at the skyline before telling me that the hunt should be over. Being friends with nobility and royalty is a bit of an asset, because I get to ride the elevator to the third floor for the results. It seems to have passed with hardly any time at all. Then again, wasn't it only ten minutes long or so in the game? Haven't played the actual game in ages, remember?

Cid's chamber is rather empty, with only the top five warriors being invited for the results. Zidane is looking mighty confident, Vivi is worried, and Freya is… she's rat who emotions I haven't learned to read yet. Surprisingly, Raijin and Fujin are here, too. They must be better than they were given credit for. Well, Fujin always was the one that kicked my butt in Balamb. When he sees me, the tall muscular member of the duo calls me over.

"Hey, it's you from last night! Get over here!" Raijin shouts. Alma looks him over before looking at me sceptically. I shrug innocently. Raijin and I are just acquaintances. It's not like I'm a dirty skank or a whore.

Fujin glances me over but ignores me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Zidane raise an eyebrow and say something to Dagger, eliciting a laugh from the Princess. I can only guess what it was.

"I didn't know you were competing, ya know. How do you think you placed," Raijin asks when I get over to him. After informing him that I, in fact, didn't participate, I tell him that I'm just there for my friends. "Are you with the rat? She seemed pretty tough. Took out that giant pig thing by herself. The monkey guy got knocked out, ya know."

Hmm, now I know Zidane didn't win. He always lost unless I beat Zagnohl. Of course, I wanted the Add-On more than the money or card, so I always let Freya win anyway. There was just some good stuff I couldn't help but steal from the porcine opponent.

Minister Lara appears with Cid on her shoulder. He doesn't say anything, but Raijin mentions that rumour has it the regent was put under a curse. No duh.

"In fifth place, with a score of 212, we have Vivi!" Lara announces. Next comes Raijin, and Zidane is in third. That leaves the ladies as the head of Hunt, something that the thief isn't too comfortable with.

"Fujin has it in the bag, ya know," Raijin whispers in my ear. "She's the brain of our little outfit."

Again, I have to say "duh."

"In first place with 302 points, just one more than our second place contestant, is Freya Crescent!" Everyone claps, even Fujin, as Freya steps forward to receive her prize. Lara drops a pinkish-peach ring in her hand along with a scrap of paper.

For some reason, I'm not surprised by the outcome.

"Now the top contestants and the royal guests are invited to a banquet in the winners honour. Please follow me."

Everyone falls in line behind Lara, marching to the elevator and going back to the second floor. It's rather cramped. That was a short awards ceremony, too.

When we reach the floor with the food, Dagger puts her nose into the air and sniffs heavily. "Mm, that smells good."

She takes off running in the direction of the smell. Steiner attempts to follow her, but Lara stops him. "The first into the room is always the winner. Princess Garnet will be reprimanded for her break in decorum. Don't you worry."

We finally reach the door, where Dagger is waiting nervously. "Sorry, everybody. I got so excited because I smelled real food for the first time in ages. I didn't go inside, though."

"You knew the rules," Lara says, Cid still silent on her shoulder. "This isn't over. Now, Ms. Crescent, if you will."

Freya steps forward and swings open the door, revealing what is literally a banquet. There wasn't even this much food at my cousin's wedding, and they had about a hundred guests. Of course, most of them just went to the open bar. Again, it's so much fun being the diamond in the roughnecks.

As soon as Freya enters and sits at the head of the table, Dagger grabs Steiner by the wrist and drags his rusty butt to a very specific seat. Seeing as how there was a five-minute time lapse between when she took off from the group and we all caught up to her… She drugged the food. Okay, Rick, this is it. You don't have any more time to ride the fence. Are you going to Burmecia and Cleyra, or Treno and Alexandria? Will be kidnapped or a rescuer? Both roads seem so hard.

Lara stands up, tapping the side of her wine glass as soon as everyone is seated. She gives a toast to Freya's greatness, which sounds rather rehearsed. Then she sits and we all hold our glasses up and say her name before taking a drink. Having been to the aforementioned wedding, I did sneak a sip of wine with the other preteens in the boys' bathroom. This isn't that. I think I was just given some sort of juice. It is a little strong, though. My head's kind of woozy.

One by one, the people at the table begin falling over. Whatever they were drugged with must have been pretty strong. We haven't even eaten anything yet. Unless the drug was in the drinks.

Steiner begins gagging as that same feeling from Dali begins sweeping over me. How weird. I thought that I was equipped with Restore Materia, but now it's acting like Heal Materia.

"Princess!" he gasps as he grabs at his throat. Everyone else is already out like lights. It's amazing that I'm still awake. Thank goodness for Materia. "I've been poisoned! Don't drink the wine!"

So, it was wine? Then what the heck did I drink at that wedding? Stupid, cheap rednecks.

"It's okay, Steiner. I didn't drug your drink or mine."

Upon hearing this, he gives up the ghost. I don't think they've noticed that I'm still awake yet. "Yes, erm, well then. What is your plan?"

"I want to go to Alexandria and try to talk some sense into mother. Perhaps if I went home, there wouldn't be anymore travesties like South Gate."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there supposed to be a dead Burmecian Soldier?

As if to answer my question, a bloody rat man barges into the room, using his sword for support. "Please… s-somebody t-t-take this l-let-letter."

Then he collapses and an envelope falls from his grasp. It lands at my feet, so I lean over and pick it up. Ignoring the incredibly gross blood on the envelope, not to mention the dead body, I open it and scan the contents. Yep, Burmecia is under attack.

"Rick!" Dagger shouts when she realizes that I'm still conscious. "I thought I had drugged you, too."

Great, how do I explain this? I doubt that the whole mysterious magic thing will work like it did in Dali. Especially, since I don't know how it happened. What kind of Materia do I have?

"Um, maybe you forgot one?" I ask as the princess grabs the note from my hand, her mortified eyes glued to the soldier. Someone tell me how he managed to get in here without anyone finding out. Wounded, bloody rats the size of people tend to be kind of conspicuous. Not to mention disgusting.

"Steiner, Mother has launched an attack on Burmecia. We must leave at once!" she cries.

"Take me with you," I insist as I stand up. "Perhaps I can do something."

Rusty grabs his sword from the hilt and starts waving it around, words of treason and insurgency rolling off his tongue. Dagger puts a hand on his arm and looks at me with misty.

"I'm sorry, Rick. There's nothing that you can do. Half the kingdom saw your actions at the play, and I'm sure that the soldiers and knights have been given orders to kill you on sight. I would be better off with just Steiner in attendance."

Ouch. That hurts. "If you don't take me with you, I'll follow you. I'm not going to stay here and let these guys think that I was involved your little scheme somehow."

"I'm sorry to hear that Rick," she says as she releases the nutty knight. Uh oh. "Steiner, don't kill him. Just get him out of our way."

He begins chasing me, and I start running around the table throwing my chair in his path. Rusty chops through it like butter as he chases me down. Screams reminiscent of Janet Leigh bounce off the walls as they escape my mouth. All I need now is that weird violin music to complete the picture.

Dagger steps directly into my path, knocking me over. I look up into her sorrowful face as the flat side of Steiner's sword hits me on the head.

"Ow!" I cry as I rub it before looking up at Dagger. She seems surprised that I'm still awake after that blow. I don't know why. Getting beat up by Elena, Rude, Reno, and who knows what else seems to have made my pain tolerance a little higher. "Are you crazy?"

She just looks at the bewildered knight behind me. "Do it until he's out."

This is going to be a fun headache to wake up to.

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A/N: So, Rick's decision about whom he's going with is "made." How could Dagger be so cold, though? Don't worry, Rick will get his revenge, though not for the attack. You'll see what I mean in the next chapter.

Also, I _finally_ got FFVI for the GBA. (I can't afford to buy a DS at the moment.) Now I know what I was missing out on. Kefka is definitely my second favourite villain, behind Sephiroth of course. I am all about the crazies.


	15. Of Purses and Promises

Chapter 15: Of Purses and Promises

A/N: I want Rick to be okay. He has to be okay. Please let him be okay! What? I'm the writer? Oh, right. Then I decide that he _is_ okay. There we go, everyone all happy now?

This is going to be a rather comical chapter, with the chapter title being horribly appropriate. Let's just hope that the boys can get past their feelings regarding how Dagger got rid of them. Something tells me that it may be harder for Rick to do than the others. Having Steiner sent after you with a rusty sword tends to do that. Anyway, no videogame related news to share at the moment, so let's get on with the story!

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My head hurts. Many things have hurt since I woke up in the Alexandrian Castle, but never this bad. Dull throbbing pains tear through my very being. Have I mentioned that my head hurts?

I open my eyes and find myself stretched out on a cobblestone street. People, some a little more animal-esque than others, walk by me as though a seventeen-year-old boy in a gorgeous black outfit that's about as tight as possible lying facedown in said street is an everyday occurrence. Boy, the people of whatever town this is sure are friendly. I'm probably in Treno. Stupid nobles. Question is, how did I get in Treno? Better yet… How did I get out of the castle? Steiner and Dagger probably threw me into a bag full of pickles and carted me across the countryside just to prevent anyone from finding out what happened. How would they get away with that, though?

"Um, are you okay?" a girl who looks about as out of place as I feel asks. "You're the first drunk I've ever seen in Lindblum."

The urge to defend myself against the charges of drunkenness arises, but I could be just a little tipsy from the wine. Yeah, I kind of drunk the whole glass during the toast.

"Do I look drunk?" I ask as I climb to my knees, no help from this girl whatsoever. She looks kind of familiar. I mean seeing a celebrity from the 80's doing a cameo on a TV show familiar. There's really no idea in my head as to who she is. Really, though, I just feel like I should know her. Like she's someone important.

"Actually, you look kind of fancy. Where did you get that outfit? Queer Eye for the Gay Guy?"

Huh? In all of my time in Gaia, neither of those words has been associated with me. This girl is now on my nerves. She's completely overlooked all of my manly qualities and is now concentrating on my fabulous attire. As if my clothes are really that important. Everyone knows that it's just material to me.

Hold on a moment. She said that we were in Lindblum. There goes the whole Treno idea. Come to think of it, this doesn't even look like Lindblum. The buildings are all in the right places… but something is off. It's like going from Hi-Def to Low-Res. If that makes any sense to the technologically impaired out there.

Something is definitely wrong. For some reason, I'm not where I should be. Don't tell me where that is, though. Earth would be my first guess. Hermione kind of shot that down, though.

"Your arm is glowing," the girl says as she points at my bangle. I look down at the metallic band to see the yellow Materia is indeed glowing. It's reacting to something. What is going on?

"Who are you?" I ask as my headache begins to worsen. I grab at my skull and fall onto my backside as she just stares at me.

"Are you okay?" she asks despite it being VERY obvious that I am NOT okay.

"Who…" I ask again.

"I'm Cami. Who the heck are you?" I hear a faraway voice say as black fills my vision.

The next thing I feel is someone pouring water over my head. After the choking subsides, I wipe the moisture from my face with my damp sleeve as someone hoists me to my feet. That whole scene with the girl is still rolling behind my eyelids, so you can imagine my surprise when I open my eyes to see Lara Croft staring at me.

"Gah!" I choke on a little of the water that had gone into my mouth before spitting it onto the floor behind me. When I find out who did this to me… I don't even know if this shirt is safe to get wet. It could be dry clean only! Good luck finding a good dry cleaner in the Middle Ages.

A few more people, Raijin, Fujin, and Zidane, gather behind Lara's shoulders to peer at me. Feeling like a fish in an aquarium is not fun. That was not a water joke, I swear.

"Nice to see you awake," Lara says as she brushes some water off my head. I wince a little when her hand runs over a very tender part of my skull. Something tells me that there is a large knot on the top of my head from where Steiner hit me. This is why people have hair. Now I have to buy a hat to cover the injury. Stupid head-shaving ninja stylists.

"Hey, Princess." Zidane looks up at me as soon as Lara steps away. "Do you know what happened? We all just kind of woke up on the floor, and Dagger and Rusty were gone. When you didn't wake up, we figured you might've been knocked out. Guess that was one right guess, huh?"

Discussing Zidane's idiotic theories on why my state of unconsciousness varied from his is not a conversation I want to have. Especially after that weird… dream? The pain seemed so real, though. You're not supposed to feel pain in dreams. I'm going to have to ask Hermione about this if I ever see her again.

"What makes you think I was knocked out? The wound on by head?" I ask sarcastically. I look around for a mirror to see just how bad the damage is. This is not my day. Bald, tired, wet, aching: Lindblum has not been kind to me. I almost wish Brahne would go ahead and blow the place up, or suck it up. I don't remember which city she used which Eidolon on.

"There's no need to get rude." Zidane smacks me on my head, and it hurts so bad I wail. Then I pick up a piece of bread that had fallen on the floor. He acts shocked when the pastry hits him on the forehead. Stupid Zidane.

"I'll get rude if I want. First Steiner knocks me out and then you patronize me. Worst of all, my clothes are wet!"

Freya mutters something under her breath. I think it was to do with my priorities being screwed up. Whatever. All I know is that my head is throbbing. Rick needs a potion.

"Have you seen my satchel?" I ask as I look around for the bag. Everyone either shakes their head or shrugs. Well, except for Fujin. The scary woman just stares at me with her one eye. She doesn't even blink. Scary.

"Princess…" the thief starts nervously, looking me over. It's almost like he's trying to gauge how I'm going to react to whatever it is he's going to tell me. "Um, I don't know how to say this, but I think Dagger may have…"

"What? Drugged us and taken off?" I laugh bitterly while kneeling down and lifting the tablecloth. Nope. Not there. Where is that thing?

"Do you think it could be possible she that, erm, stole it?" he asks.

Please. There is no way Dagger would do that. We're friends. Besides, she was with me when I got it at Eve's… Which means she was there to see the money and the magical storing capabilities that it had! That little floozy took my money!

"I'm going to kill her!" I scream. Mashed something or other goes flying as I picked up a random dish and fling it at the wall in anger. Nobody steals from me and gets away with it. "That tramp is going to pay!"

CRASH! Fried Zagnohl covers a chandelier.

"I'm sure she'll bring your purse back," Zidane offers before ducking as I throw at plate at him with a cry of "Satchel!" Yeah, I'm ticked. My incredibly hot suit was in that thing. First the shoes, and now this: why don't I have luck with nice things?

"Should we restrain him?" Freya asks while I let loose a string of expletives that would make even the most seasoned of Gaians blush. Oh, and I shatter a window. The citizens of Lindblum had better watch out for raining food and glass.

"Nah, he'll calm down," the other tailed member of the group assures his old friend. "The Princess doesn't really have a fighting spirit."

"When I find her, I'm going to rip out every last strand of that red hair!" I shriek as some sort of pudding smacks Zidane in the face.

He rubs the food from his eyes before nodding. I grab a chuck of some roasted monster and prepare to launch it when someone pulls me into a bear hug from behind. Whoever it is tells me to cool down. It isn't hard to figure out it is Raijin. The huge muscles and crushing strength are kind of a clue. Oh, and the "ya know" at the end of his sentence. I still cannot believe that he really talks like that.

Vivi finally speaks up, showing everyone a piece of paper that he had found. After thanking him, Lara takes it and reads it aloud. It's the note that dead Lindblum soldier dropped. Come to think of it, where is the body? Steiner must have hidden it somewhere. We all know Dagger doesn't have the brute strength to lift a cadaver.

"So Burmecia is under attack," Freya says, voice laced with concern. "I must leave right away. I'm afraid I won't be able to do the parade tomorrow, Minister."

They have a parade, too? The game really got it wrong.

"I understand," Lara says as she examines a red stain in the carpet. It's blood, Lady. I didn't throw any ketchup during my rampage. At least, I don't think I did. "However, you should probably stay here in the castle for the night. Whatever it was that Princess Garnet used on us is probably still in our systems."

"Rick, why did you have to be knocked unconscious?" Raijin asks, not letting up at all on his grip despite my squirming, occasional death threats, and foaming mouth. "There has to have been some reason you didn't go out with the rest of us, ya know."

Hadn't I planned an answer for if they asked me about this? Crap. My mind is blank. Where's a good lie when you need one?

"I'm going to saw off her arms and beat her with them!" I scream as a cover. Everyone just sighs.

Alma approaches and places a hand on my shoulder. "Rick, this is important. I know the pain of losing a purse, but our friend could be running headfirst into a war. Did you learn anything before you were attacked?"

"It's a satchel," I pout as I give up struggling. Why does everyone keep calling it a purse?

She gives me little smile and repeats her question. "Did you hear them plan anything?"

I wish she were being a stupid blonde right now. That Alma was a fun one. This is more like the one from Tactics. She's being all calm, rational, and kind. Now my shenanigans look like something a child would do. Stupid guilt tricks.

"All I heard was Dagger say something about Burmecia. Then it was lights out," I answer to the floor.

I don't know why I lied. Maybe I really don't want to catch up to her. Maybe I'm feeling guilty because everything's been about me since coming to Gaia. The idea of everyone being nothing more than videogame characters lingered in the back of my head; so I never really considered their feelings. Hermione did a wonderfully confusing job of discouraging that train of thought. These really are real people that I'm running around with. Zidane, Dagger, Alma, Lara, Raijin, all of them are flesh and blood. Unless I've done some weird "dot hack" type of thing. Being the next Tsukasa is not really that appealing of an idea to me.

"So she's in Burmecia. At least now we know where to go," Zidane says. He looks at Freya. "Would you mind if I come with you?"

"Just don't get in my way."

Someone explain to me why, after I've calmed down, the bear hug is still squeezing the life from me? "Could I get down, please?"

My eye catches Fujin's. Still scary, by the way. She walks over to Raijin and gives him a swift kick in the shin. I'm dropped rather roughly as the large man guffaws in pain. Couldn't she have waited for him to actually let me go?

"This is going to be fun," I mutter sarcastically as I brush the dust from my derriere. "Doesn't it always rain in Burmecia? I'm going to need an umbrella. At least frizzy hair isn't a problem anymore."

Freya gives me a look that shows she clearly hadn't intended on me coming along. "Why would we bring you? You can't even fight."

True. Though I can scratch, bite, and pull hair with the best of them. Just ask Elena. Then have her give me my shoes back. "There is more to surviving a battle than just fighting."

"That's right," Zidane boasts as he rubs my head. Ow. "The Princess here is a pretty good decoy."

Thanks a lot, you stupid monkey. Now stand still while I play Fujin to your Raijin.

"Ow! Why'd you kick me?"

"If you don't know, Honey, then I can't tell you."

He huffs and informs me that I'm annoying. I respond my warning him that there are more dishes on the table that I could throw at him. Custards, casseroles, tarts, anything can be used as a weapon.

"I have to go anyway. I'm broke because of that stupid skank. When you guys leave, I won't be able to pay for any more nights at the inn."

Alma then offers me a room at her family's mansion. "There's plenty of space. Right now, it's just Father, Ramza, and myself. Oh, and the servants. My other brothers-Zalbag and Dycedarg-are off doing military exercises for in case Alexandria decides to invade Lindblum."

Sorry to disappoint you, but not much can stand up to an Eidolon. Unless you count pretty boys with silver hair. It's going to be hard to take down Kuja. He's the only person in the game with any fashion sense (except for Beatrix, of course). Until he goes in his Trance, but that's beside the point. What I mean is, I can't take down a brother of the cloth. By cloth, I of course mean clothing.

"There is also a place here in the castle for you," Lara invites. Should I stay with the nobility my age, or be pampered with the royalty? Both are so tempting.

"No thanks. I wouldn't want to sponge off of you, and that's what I would feel like I was doing."

Vivi then offers up a suggestion, the first I've heard him speak since he found that note. "You could, um, stay with your friend Michael."

Wonderful idea. Great thinking. Hey, Michael, we've only known each other for three days, but can I move in? No. That relationship needs some time to build. We need to get to know each other better before getting really involved. "That won't work, Cutie."

"Yeah," Zidane agrees with a completely different tone of voice from my own. "You're bad enough as it is, Princess. I really don't want that moron rubbing off on you."

"Oh, we're already doing more than rubbing, Honey," I tease. There are gasps from Lara and Alma, the former who covers Vivi's ears with her hands. Raijin laughs heartily, Fujin doesn't react, and Freya just stares at me in disbelief. Zidane rolls his eyes.

"Listen to me, Princess. You're too good for him. Give it up and find someone, _anyone_ else."

This is getting old. Thank goodness Michael doesn't give me a hard time for hanging out with Zidane. "What is your problem? Is he your ex or something? If that's it, I'll back off."

A small smile crosses Zidane's lips as he prepares a comeback, but Fujin interrupts. All heads turn to the usually silent girl as she points from me to Raijin and herself. "US!"

"I suppose we could take the kid with us, ya know." Raijin laughs nervously and scratches the back of his head. "Fujin and I have been looking for someone to help us out anyway."

"Am I a fruitcake to be passed from person to person like it's the holiday season?" I ask indignantly. Really, this is getting ridiculous.

"Actually…"

I hold up a hand before he can finish his thought. "Shut up, Honey. What I meant was that I'm a person, an adult, and as such it should be my decision. I'm going to Burmecia and that's that."

"Really? We could use an extra hand, ya know. Walking from Lindblum to Ascantha isn't fun."

"Something tells me that walking outside of the castle walls in general isn't fun," I retort. Zidane stiffens a little as I grab his arm, but he doesn't jerk away as I pull him close. "I'm going to Burmecia with this dingbat and the others."

"Dingbat?" Zidane sounds insulted, in a confused way. "What's a dingbat?"

Right, no Archie Bunker here. There's no way a Gaian would get an _All in the family_ reference. Heck, most kids my age wouldn't get one. All they know about it is that Sally Struthers is the fat chick from the save the kid thing.

"A dingbat is an idiot, moron, or all around stupid person. Thus, Zidane is a dingbat," I explain before getting smacked on the head again. That's it, we're moving into desserts.

He barely dodges a cake before Raijin holds me again. This guy is getting a little grabby. Someone needs to inform him of the consequences of sexual harassment.

The back of my boot meets his shin, the one Fujin already kicked, and he lets me go.

"Seeing as how all I have is the clothes on my back, I'm going to go say goodbye to Michael before getting some sleep. See you guys back at the room," I tell Zidane and Vivi. A few farewells, and one whispered request from Alma concerning Michael's underwear, later, I am walking out of the dining hall with the remnants of a headache. Steiner is not going to like me the next time we meet, not that he likes me now.

There is relatively little talk of Dagger's disappearance amongst the castle staff when I pass by. It must not be public knowledge yet. However, they have no problems discussing my grievous wound. Getting whacked in the head must have improved my hearing, because I'm actually hearing their whispers. Unless they're not even bothering to whisper. People in Lindblum sure are rude.

Someone calls for me to wait. I turn around and see Alma running and waving her hands. "Rick! Wait a minute!"

I stop and start tapping my feet on the floor impatiently. Of all the people to come after me, it has to be her. It's just wonderful to know that my time with Zidane meant nothing. Oh, and I guess I should include Vivi, too. Stupid Zidane.

"Rick," she heaves breathily when she reaches me. "Minister Croft asked me to tell you not to mention this to anyone. Not even that cutie Michael."

"Whatever." My irritation at my friends is kind of strong right now. Dagger has Steiner attack me, Zidane keeps insulting my relationship with Michael, and Vivi… Well, we're just not as close as we were when this whole thing began. It's almost like neither one of us knows how to act around the other.

Alma grabs my hand when I start to walk off. "Don't be like that. So what if they don't want you chasing after You-Know-Who with them? You don't have to take it out on me."

You-Know-Who? Since when is this Harry Potter? Then again, if Hermione is here…

"Sorry," I mutter before trying to pry her fingers off my wrist. It's hard to do, since they're like a vice. Someone get this woman off me!

"Don't alienate your friends over this, Rick. We're just concerned about you. Freya was right. What good would you or I be in a battlefield? Dagger told me that you were a knight, but that was during peacetime. You probably don't have the training for that kind of stuff."

What is she going on about? Alma was in the final fight of Tactics. She wasn't exactly a lightweight, either. That white magic of hers really came in handy. Then again, as has been proven time and again, the people here aren't exactly as I knew them. Although Raijin and Fujin seem to be pretty in character as the lovable oaf and raging, erm, well, let's just say that Fujin is Fujin.

"Rick, are you listening to me?" she asks when I don't offer a reply.

All I do is sigh. That's all I can do. It's one thing to wake up in a videogame. It's another thing entirely to insert yourself into everything and screw up the relationships that should have developed. Just look at Vivi. I know I've used him as an example before, but shouldn't he have started to come out of his shell just a little by now? He was such a loud little guy until we got to Dali, and I doubt he's said two words since then. That just isn't right. Dagger and Zidane aren't acting like should, either. She wasn't cooped up in the castle (remember the shopping?), so he never had to break into the castle to see her. Instead, he and I just picked at each other over Michael. The artist wasn't even that big of an issue in the game! All he was good for was getting an autograph and the moogle suit, until you need one of those potion things to turn Cid into a frog. Now, he's my boyfriend, or something like that. I still don't even know why he and Zidane don't like each other. All I've gotten is something about Michael being a bad painter. I'm sort of dating the guy, so I know that, but I don't see why it's such a big deal. Unless Michael wasn't exaggerating about the whole people in the Theatre District being stuck up. Then again, if that were true, the Tantalus guys wouldn't have accepted me so readily.

Oy, this is confusing.

"Tell you what," I say to Alma when I finally leave my thoughts. "Why don't you come to Michael's with me? We're probably just going to hang out. It won't hurt for my best gal pal to meet my man."

Alma covers her mouth as she giggles. "Gal pal?"

"What? It's not like you're lucky enough to get this," I tease with a pose. Man, I miss laughing and goofing off. I did that with Zidane and Dagger, but now we're fighting. Well, Zidane and I are kind of on the outs. Dagger is definitely on my list of least liked people right now, right below Elena. Sure, she may have knocked me out and stolen all of my money and clothes, but at least she remembered what I looked like. Do you know how insulting it is to be mugged by someone who doesn't even remember beating you up?

With everything patched up with Alma, we leave the castle. I make a crack about her security team when we reach the aircab station. She laughs and tells me that we really don't need Cecil and Kain. Apparently her dad heard that I am, or was, a knight and decided that being in my presence was protection enough for his precious daughter. How stupid is he?

There's really not much of a reason to worry, anyway. Everyone is off getting drunk over Freya's victory. Some because they had bet on her winning (can anyone say horserace?), but mostly because they were competitors that had lost to her. The Doom Pub must be getting a lot of business tonight.

"How long have you known Dagger?" I ask Alma as we sit on a seat in the aircab. There're only two other people riding it, a rather wealthy looking older couple that is giving Alma and me disapproving glances. She just rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out at them in a not noble fashion. The old walrus lady gives and offended gasp before whispering something in her husband's ear. Did I not mention that they were of the large aquatic mammal variety?

Alma asks me what my question was. It seems she was distracted by annoying our fellow aircab patrons. When I repeat it, she laughs and answers that they're practically sisters. "Garnet and I saw each other all the time when her father was still alive. It's just been here in the last few years that we've fallen out of touch. You can only keep up for so long through the Mognet, and that's been on the fritz lately, too."

Then she asks me why I call her Dagger instead of Garnet or, gag me, Princess.

"I've only known her for two years, so it's not close enough of a relationship for me to call her Garnet," I lie. How am I supposed to know what I called her before possessing this world's Rick? "When we left Alexandria, everyone except Steiner agreed that she needed a pseudonym. You know, a new identity so that people wouldn't know who she was. She actually chose the name."

We then start on a conversation about how stupid the name is. I tend to fall on the harsher side of things. Yeah, there is almost definitely some lingering resentment.

We step out into a setting sun. The old couple remains onboard. It's almost like they think they're too good to get off with us. If only they knew Alma's social stature. That'd fix them for sure!

Michael's house is nearby, right across the street, but I have a feeling of danger. This is exactly how I felt last night when Elena stole my shoes. Well, that bleach blonde had better not come after my boots. I wouldn't wish these things on my worst enemy. The mud, scuffmarks, and general nastiness of them definitely aren't attractive.

"Rick?" Alma latches onto me as though I'm actually going to do something. She does sound scared though. "Did you hear that?"

I don't get the chance to respond, because then I hear exactly what she did. There's a low growl behind us. Turning around, I see that the aircab is already chugging away and there's a Fang approaching with it's, erm, fangs bared. As far as I know, the Hunt is over. Why are there still monsters in the town?

"The elimination squad must have missed it," Alma whispers in my ear. No duh. This is going to end well. We're both unarmed and neither one of us can fight a lick. Well, maybe Alma can. I don't know yet. "Your training had better pay off. My brothers never would teach me how to fight. It's not lady-like."

So much for that idea.

"Listen very carefully," I say quietly as the monster continues to advance. "When I say run, you had better run."

"Why?"

Maybe it would be doing the world a favour to let the thing devour us. Alma, anyway. In the amount of time it takes for the Fang to kill her, I could easily run to Michael's.

Just as I'm about to give her the command, a chakram slices through the wolf. A woman jumps down from the roof of the aircab station and catches it on the rebound. Wow, Xena's in this world, too! How awesome is that?

"FOOLS!"

Wonderful. It's just Fujin. Wait a minute. We left the castle before she did, and she wasn't on the aircab. So how in the name of all things fashionable did the scary, one-eyed woman get here? Don't tell me that Final Fantasy side characters get superpowers like flight or super speed. The Turks are bad enough as it is. All Gaia needs is for Elena to become super strong and Reno to develop X-Ray vision. There won't be a brazier thick enough to keep a woman's dignity safe. We could always put him in front of Brahne, though. Not even Jerry Springer could find someone for _that_.

However, just as quickly as she arrives, Fujin is gone.

"I feel sorry for that Raijin guy," Alma says as we watch the aircab station's door close behind our saviour.

"Somehow, I think he likes it," I add. Raijin always did seem the masochistic type to me.

Anyway, we cautiously cross the street. It's an event-free trip.

I knock on Michael's door and it opens slowly. He's standing there, covered in paint, with a white apron covering a bare chest. Did my tongue just hit the ground? If the gravely taste in my mouth is any indication, then yes. Even smeared with various hues of blue, green, and pink, the man is sexy. Did I mention he's not wearing a shirt? The things I would do to him if my tongue weren't on the ground…

Sorry about that. Anyway, yeah, my sexy painter is still sexy and still painting. Alma is in the same boat as me, though. She's a few seconds away from turning into a wolf herself and jumping him.

"Rick! It's great to see you. Who's your friend?" he asks in that voice that makes all the right things tingle. He is so sexy.

"This is Alma Beoulve. Alma, this is Michael…" Whoa, I don't even know his last name. That just goes to show how well we know each other.

Michael smiles, putting a hand on my shoulder and leaning forward to shake Alma's. "Novotny. Michael Novotny."

Novotny? As in the comic obsessed hottie from _Queer as Folk_? I am making out with _him_! Oh, this is better than I ever expected. Why didn't I recognize him? Oh, right, I've only ever seen three episodes of the one good original show Showtime ever came up with. (A/N: I know what you're all thinking. What about _The L Word_? I've never seen it, so I'm going to an opinion on it.)

Alma starts giggling like a teenage girl. He then looks at me and a grossed out look comes across his face. What? Did he not want to see me after all? I thought that, what with the tongue and all, that he wouldn't mind a visit.

"There's, um, something on your shirt," he says. He reaches a finger down and swipes it across my chest. It takes every I have to keep my knees from buckling. When he holds it up, I see a red smear on it.

Blood. It just had to be blood. The first time I see my incredibly hot boyfriend-type guy after the ball, I'm covered in blood from the Fang that Fujin just killed. Life hates me.

"Sorry, there was a Fang, and this girl I know, she kind of killed it…" I try to find a good way to phrase it, but there really isn't one. Michael doesn't know that I'm a complete wuss, yet. Ah, it's probably better to get it out in the open now. Secrets have a way of ruining your life. That, and cellulite.

"Get in here. I'll try to find a clean shirt for you to wear."

He ushers us into his studio/apartment. Wow, I'd forgotten how cluttered it is. More and more failed works of "art" are thrown across the floor, and the sofa is littered with countless balls of crumpled up paper. Alma tries hard not to be revolted. It's quite a bit easier for me, though. Raised in a redneck family, remember? Their version of dirty is the beer can in the baby's crib being half-full instead of empty. Please don't make me spell out for you what the solution is.

"Sorry about the mess," he apologizes to Alma. She attempts to assure him that it's not a problem, but I can tell it is. Little Miss Nobility has to slum it with us. I would tell her to do what I do, but for some reason I really don't want her to concentrate solely on my Michael.

He fumbles around in a pile of shirts thrown into a corner, smelling them all before tossing one to me.

"That's the closest I've got to clean. Sorry, but they've kind of closed off the community wash for the Festival."

"Don't worry about it," I say happily as I turn my back to them, remove my ruined black shirt, and slip Michael's on. The thing is a deep blue with periwinkle squiggly lines on the sleeves and collar. Best of all, it smells like him. Michael has a wonderful, musky, sexy smell. Oh, I'm never taking this shirt off. "I kind of like it."

He's tells me that it's great to hear. Then he grabs a shirt from the pile, a hideous orange one. Then again, orange is just a hideous colour in general. That was my main problem with Dagger until the whole Steiner attacking me thing.

"Do you guys want something to drink?" he asks as he takes off the apron. Oh. My. God. The body that he has! Those tight shirts do nothing at all to justify him. The flat stomach, those muscles… Somebody grab me a napkin. I think I'm drooling. Darn it! Alma is, too.

Blissfully unaware of us voyeurs (Alma should really stop that. He _is_ mine, after all.), Michael walks over to his stove and picks up a tea kettle. We both decline rather quickly. I really wish he would put that shirt on already. Looking at him and knowing I can't do anything is driving me crazy. On second thought, maybe I should get rid of Alma so that I can do something. Do something all night long, even.

Wow, Michael really brings out the Zidane in me. By Zidane, I, of course, mean pervert.

Taking pity on my poor soul, he finally slips that hideous shirt on and comes back to the sofas to sit between us. He gives Alma a small smile that turns her into a puddle before slapping hand on my knee and turning to look at me.

"So, what brings you out here? Showing your friend here around town?"

Even his naiveté is sexy!

"Actually," I say as I push several _very_ pleasant thoughts out of my head, "this is rather serious. Tomorrow morning, I'm leaving. I can't tell you where I'm going or why, but something tells me that you'll learn before too long."

Crap. That sounded so stupid. How clichéd can I get?

"What are you talking about?" Michael scratches his head and looks at Alma. "Do you know what's going on?"

She nods and opens her mouth, but lean across Michael and put a hand over her mouth. Oh, Michael smells even better in person than he does on fabric. Somebody turn the hose on NOW!

"Michael, I'm going to Burmecia with Zidane and some friends," I confess. Screw what Lara said. She's never been with someone like my hot and sexy painter. I can't lie to him. "There's been an attack, and they think Alexandria is behind it. My friend Dagger, we think she went to Burmecia. I want to make sure she's okay."

Okay, so a little white lie won't hurt. The important thing is that he knows what Alma knows. Besides, I can't tell him that the only reason I'm going is to get my satchel back. Seriously, if Dagger had knocked me out and left it, I would've said screw it and just stayed with Alma. As it stands, there need to be retribution.

"Rick! Minister Croft said we weren't supposed to tell anyone!" Alma shouts after biting my hand to get free from my gag.

Nursing my wound, I glare at her. There was no reason to bite me. "I didn't tell anyone, as far as Minister Croft is concerned, got it?" I hiss.

"Whatever," she retorts rather flippantly. "You don't have to bite my head off."

Oh, no she didn't!

"I'm sorry, Michael," I say as I stand up. Using my good hand, I grab Alma's wrist and storm up the stairs to the front door. I fling it open and push her out before he catches up. One foot makes it out the door before his hand finds it way into my own. That one gesture makes me look back at him.

"You're really leaving tomorrow?" he asks. I nod and he squeezes my hand. "Why you just stay here tonight? I'm sure your friend will get home just fine. You don't mind, do you, Alma?"

She shakes her head and jerks out of my grip. I apologize and lean back against Michael. He wraps his arms around my stomach and puts his head on my shoulder.

"Sorry about that whole thing just now," I apologize again. "Please don't tell anyone what I told Michael. And if you run into Zidane, just tell him that I'll meet him at the castle at dawn."

A mischievous grin crosses Alma's face as she assures me that there are no hard feelings. I know what she's thinking, because I'm thinking it too. Zidane is definitely rubbing off on me.

We, being Michael and I, watch Alma until she enters the aircab station. Then he turns around and goes into his place, dragging me by the hand. As soon as I'm inside, he slams the door behind us.

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A/N: Well, that chapter was rather, erm, random. Tell me, though, how was the ending. You all loved it, didn't you? Implication is a great thing. However, I would have to say that Rick's fit over the satchel was probably my favourite part.

I did just celebrate my 19th birthday, though. So… go me! As always, review. Oh, and check out my other fics. I'm especially proud the latest chapter of my R&R fic.


	16. Good Morning, Goodbye, Good Grief

Chapter 16: Good Morning, Goodbye, Good Grief!

A/N: For those wondering, the title is not a hint at a Peanuts cameo. (Snoopy is probably the only character who could get away with one, anyway.)

Now for the announcement that will undoubtedly shock the world: I am officially coming out as a yaoi/yuri writer. It's a long time coming too, since there's only, like, one fic in my repertoire with a het pairing, and it didn't even last long enough for the pairing to come out! Actually, come to think of it, this is my only yaoi/shonen ai fic, too. Weird. The gay guy writes about lesbians… Anyway, read the fic while I ponder on whether or not Tessa's hatred of men is at related to Rick's love of them. (Sorry to those who actually read these notes. I tend to go a little out there in them.)

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My head hurts. Wow, that sounds horribly familiar. Actually, it's more my neck than my head, per se. Michael's couch is just as uncomfortable as I dreamed. However, waking up in his arms more than makes up for it.

Despite what you (or I) may have wanted to happen last night, there was no hot man sex where I was bent over the sofa in various positions. In fact, we didn't even make it past first base. Not that we didn't have fun getting there. There is more to our relationship than making out. After the heavy lip action, we stayed up all night talking about different things, really getting to know each other. For example, I'll bet you didn't know that Michael was afraid of Mus until he turned ten. Not that I blame him. Heck, those things still scare the crap out of me. Evil purple squirrel things.

Trying to work the kinks out of my neck, I shift my position and find myself face-to-face with a sleeping Michael. A beam of moonlight falls on his face. It illuminates him like no other light ever could. He's simply beyond that veil of sexiness that he's always had. Believe it or not, as corny as it sounds, I'm falling for him. I am falling for a videogame character that was somehow or another imported from a cable TV show. On top of that, I've only known him for three or four days. Can someone please remind me that this isn't a romantic comedy?

He moans a little and opens his eyes. He blinks quite a bit at first and buries his face into the joint of my neck and shoulder at first because of the light. It tickles.

"Good morning," I whisper as I run my hand through his hair. His lips smile against my skin as he swings a leg over my hip and pulls me even closer, something I thought impossible without the use of a condom. Can I be speechless for a few moments?

"…"

"…"

"…"

Okay, enough of that. Let me just say that this is _definitely_ something I never experienced back on Earth. Gaia, I love you again.

After making me realize that my skin is more sensitive than I had ever thought posible, Michael kisses his way up to my mouth, lips pressing against my collarbone, neck, and jaw on their travels. It is way too early in the morning for foreplay that can't go anywhere.

"Stop," I say teasingly as I push away from him as a joke. Ow. Why did I overestimate the width of the couch? Michael was already pressed against the back of the sofa, and I was teetering on the edge, so guess what happened. This whole falling on my head thing is really getting old. Especially when I'm half hanging off a sofa in the process, making my back not feel good at all.

"Crap!" Michael shouts as he sits up, his legs releasing their grip on the lower half of my body. Wonderful, now I'm lying on his floor with my butt hanging in the air. That has to be a wonderful for him thing to see. I'm not being egotistical. "Are you okay, Rick?"

I mutter something about luck never being on my side. To be honest, I'm too embarrassed to even think about what to say. Sitting up, I pull a piece of paper off my head. Absentmindedly, I look at the ultra thin piece of tree and see a smudge spot of blue paint.

"Please tell me I didn't…" I beg Michael as I feel my head, and then look at my hand to find blue on it. Wonderful. There isn't even time to wash it off because I have to be at the castle at dawn. Really, just wonderful. "Why wasn't it dry? Isn't paint supposed to dry?"

He smiles at my whining, but, for once, it doesn't alleviate my annoyance. "Sorry about that, it's oil-based."

Oil? As in the stuff that makes cars go vroom? That is so not good for my complexion. This is just great. I have no clothes, no money, and now I'm going to get acne. Gaia sucks again. It really, truly, sucks big. I'm talking sucking on a level equal with the _Seinfeld_ series finale. Speaking of TV, how long has it been since I've even seen a television? My brain is actually having to make thoughts now. Poor brain.

"Do you know what time it is?" I ask to change the subject as I look around for my shirt. No, Rick is fully clothed. Remember being told that there was no sex? Yeah, and if you'll remember, he said something last night about there being blood on my shirt, thus lending me one of his. Poor Michael. Aside from wearing tight black t-shirts and the surprisingly delectable piece of blue that I'm sporting at the moment, his tastes in clothes are comparable to his painting skills. Have I mentioned that his craptastic painting from the other day has been replaced by another work of absolute, for lack of a better word, crap.

He looks at a clock on the wall that I don't remember ever seeing. Then again, I tend to not see much when I'm around Michael. He has that crazy, magnetic sexiness that seems to have no effect on anyone but Alma, Dagger, and me. Seriously, I've walked through the streets of Lindblum with this man and not had to fight off a single crazed man or woman wanting to jump his bones. Stupid Gaians with their ignorance of pure sexiness.

"It's about six thirty. The sun usually rises about seven this time of year," he says as he leans forward and slaps me on the butt. The urge to bend over and have him spank me is very strong now. Resist, Rick. You do have willpower. Remember your Sophomore year? The anorexia thing? It took everything short of an intervention to get you to eat. (A/N: True story. Don't believe the lie that only women suffer from that disease. I'm three years clean.) Use some of that willpower when it comes to Michael. Think of it as a sex diet. (Can it be a diet if you've never actually had it? Oh, the fun of being a virgin.)

Of course, when I realize what he said, I start freaking out. That leaves me half an hour to get to the castle. For starters, I have to search this place for my boots. Fine, so I did take something off. Sue me. I am not going to sleep with those things on. Clothes in Gaia aren't exactly made for comfort when half the time you have to worry about being attacked by animals with roid rage, and I'm not talking about haemorrhoids. Is that spelled correctly? Stupid lack of good teaching in public schools.

Sometimes I wish I'd just bought a Dreamcast instead of a Playstation. Crazy Taxi would be so much more fun than this. Who doesn't love hitting a police car head on, flipping fifty feet in the air, and crashing into a restaurant just to make sure you get your full fare?

What am I talking about? Dreamcast sucked way more than any other console, even the Gamecube. At least Nintendo gave you the best version of Soul Calibre II (Yay! Link!), and don't forget Tales of Symphonia. Ooh, maybe I'll get to meet Sheena or Yaun! She is my favourite of any summoner from any game. (Although Rydia runs a close second. Yuna just annoyed me. Tidus should've gone after Rikku instead. She seemed like more fun, anyway. Unless you count the airheaded Rikku from X-2, but I try not to.) Yaun is just another world of sexiness. If anyone could make him forget about Martel, it would definitely be me. Plus, he dresses really well, too.

Focus, Rick. You need to find your boots.

"Looking for these?" Michael asks as he holds up my sought after footwear. I grab them and attempt to pull them on, but slip on some of my artist's drawings. Twice I've fallen today, and I haven't been awake for ten minutes. TWICE! Why does gravity hate me?

"Thanks." I kiss him on the cheek after I get the boots on. There's no time to lace them. I'll just do that on the aircab. "See you when I come back."

He doesn't need to know that I probably won't come back until after Lindblum has been all destroyed. Not that I'm going to tell him that Lindblum will be destroyed. It's kind of awkward to explain how you know about things before they happen. That's why I haven't said anything. Otherwise, they'd all know that they were just made by people in Japan who are way more creative than I ever could be. Although their choice in clothing for their characters tend to suck. Thinking it over, the only good outfits I've seen in the Final Fantasy series are Squall's lovely leather (aside from the fact that cows had to die for it to happen), Quistis's peach getup (although I feel it should've _not_ shown her belly button. That lady is not a common skank, thank you very much), and Balthier's clothes. Mm, Balthier. Now there is a reason to play FFXII. (A/N: And, apparently, the upcoming PSP port of Final Fantasy Tactics. He is kind of like Cloud was for the original, from what I hear. Finally, a reason to buy Sony's handheld.)

Aren't I supposed to be leaving?

Just as I prepare to dash off, Michael grabs me by the wrist and pulls me in for a much deeper kiss. Well, I can tell you this much: that dream I had the other day was way off. He does not taste like cough drops. Think chocolate pocky and you've got it.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asks when we finally break apart. Um, doesn't he know that I have to meet my friends at the castle? Really, I could have sworn that it had been mentioned at some point since my arrival last night. "Don't even think that I'm going to have you run off on into a warzone without at least having a proper send off."

"Huh?" Rick is confused. He thought there wasn't going to be any sex. I mean, I really don't want to lose my virginity to a quickie before I leave for who knows how long.

Michael just laughs and kisses me again before taking me by the hand and leading me up the stairs. Unlike me, Michael has no problem sleeping in his shoes. "I'm going to be there to see you go. It's the least I can do for my boyfriend."

Boyfriend? So it's official?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Okay, now that that's out of the way, we can move on to more serious matters. How do I tell Zidane? Oh, and everyone else, too. Alma is just going to die. Will I have to wear a promise ring? If I do, then I'd probably have to take off Zidane's ring, which I do not want to do. It's kept me alive, thus far. Plus, it's pretty. Michael would have to buy me something twice as expensive and three times more gorgeous before I'd even consider removing this Madain ring.

When we reach the aircab station, I let Michael deal with the person behind the counter while I futilely attempt to fix my appearance in a nearby window. Not much can be done. The paint is probably going to stay there until I can properly wash it off. Also, I'm still wearing Michael's shirt, which is big on me. I look like a little kid. Rick, just be glad it has short sleeves or you'd have ended up looking like Michael's son. Wouldn't that be something?

My stomach rumbles because I haven't eaten anything in ages. There wasn't time to grab anything at the banquet, what with everyone passing out and then my subsequent temper tantrum. It never occurred to me to get something at Michael's, either. Maybe I can convince Freya to wait so I can grab a quick bite before leaving. Or not. She scares me almost as much as Fujin. At least she didn't stalk me last night.

"Don't you have to work?" I ask as we sit down. There isn't anyone else in the aircab. It's too early for the working people to be up, and it's too late for the drunks to be stumbling home.

"Geez, trying to get rid of me when you're the one leaving. You really know how to make a guy feel loved," he says as he puts his arm around my shoulder. I half expect him to pull me into noogies like Zidane would do, but when he doesn't I breathe a sigh of re…

Hold it a minute. Love? When did I mention anything about love? Sure, I said that I was starting to fall for him, but that doesn't count. The keyword is _starting_, buddy boy. I've only been here on Gaia for about a week. That's too soon for the L word to be tossed around, and I'm not talking about lesbian. Oh, please let me be taking this out of context. Please, please, please. Let me have it wrong. Dating is one thing, but love? Yeah, I'm definitely too young to be getting serious enough to say that. Aside from my love of Oprah, but that's more worship than wanting to spend my life with her.

Why did he have to say love?

"Are you okay?" Michael asks. As much as I want to say no and pour out my questions at his feet, I just nod and offer an insincere smile. I am definitely not okay. Maybe getting away from Michael for awhile is a good thing. That way, our relationship can be evaluated from a distance and I can see if I feel as strongly as I think he does. Then again, I could have totally misinterpreted the love thing. Someone get me an aspirin.

The aircab pulls to a stop and Michael and I disembark to a bunch of stuffy old men in line to get on. The castle still has it's loading and unloading station like the game shows, it's just that the line to board is so incredibly _long_. You'd think that Andy Griffith was doing a reunion of the Matlock cast or something.

"Took you long enough," Zidane grumbles when Michael and I reach the place where we first met Minister Croft. It's amazing how so much has changed since that day. Half our original party is gone, Zidane and I are still on the outs, and Freya is giving me one of those looks that says she is unhappy about me coming along. Wonderful. Sure, my life on Earth was boring, but at least there wasn't so much drama. Unless you count the whole teenager vs. parents thing, but nobody ever does.

"What, I got here on time, Honey," I say while noticing that his eyes are locked onto my left hand, which is resting in Michael's right. The urge to jerk free rises from somewhere unknown, but I don't. Aren't I the one that went after the artist? Didn't I flirt with him and tell him to meet me at the ball? What right do I have to freak out when things start to get serious? I have to blame this on the Y chromosome. You never, ever hear of a woman doubting a relationship. Nope, never. Well, except for the girls on _Sex and the City_.

"Barely," he snorts as he turns his back to me and attempts to engage Fujin in chitchat. It doesn't work.

Yes, Raijin and Fujin are here, too. Don't bother asking me why. Things tend to not work out in the Rick-infused Gaia like they did on the game. How long can I complain about that one particular part of my new life?

You know, there are more reasons for me to stay in Lindblum than there are to go to Burmecia. I have friends. (Well, a friend. Alma. It's kind of a shock that she's not here to see me off.) It's true that I would probably be safer here, too. Unless I get sucked by Atomos or blown by Odin. Um, that didn't come out right.

"Rick!" Raijin calls out when he sees me. The mass of muscles makes his way over to me, almost stepping on poor Vivi in the process. Poor little guy. He really needs to start talking soon. Anyway, when Raijin reaches us, Michael and me, he has a big grin plastered on his face. "Who's this? Your boyfriend? You two really look good together, ya know. All in love and stuff."

I have never been more mortified. There's that word again. Why can't I get away from it?

"Yep, he's all mine," Michael says as he lifts my hand and kisses the back of it.

Loveliness. Michael and Raijin are getting to know each other through me. Next thing you know, I'll be getting dumped while Michael and Raijin run off to paint bad paintings and whatever it is that Raijin says he does. Why does that almost sound relieving?

"That's a nice ring. Did you get it for him?" Raijin asks as he notices the band on my finger. Someone please shoot me. Put a gun to my head and pull the trigger repeatedly. Oh, right, no guns in FFIX. A cannon will do.

Michael shakes his head before holding my hand up to the light and examining it. Up until now, Zidane has tried very hard not to look at me ever since chastising me for not being here as early as him. His attention has been caught, because he turns around to watch my humiliation. Stupid Raijin. Why do you have to be so nosy and stupid?

"I've never really noticed it before. Where did you get it, Rick?" he asks. I answer him under my breath. "Sorry, love, I didn't get that."

There it is again! Would people please stop using that word? I'm going to tear my hair out if they don't sto… Oh, right, I'm already bald. This whole L-word thing is getting me so stressed that I'm even starting to lose my memory.

"It's Zidane's," I mutter before jerking my hand free. Things are so out of whack. All I could talk about was Michael for days, and now that I have him saying that he _loves_ me (well, kind of saying it…), there's a rift between us that only I can see. Hooray for Rick. He's managed to screw up his life in another world. If I ever get home, then the Rick that was here before me is going to come back to a very screwed up life. Then again, I could go home to find out that I'm dating Carmen Electra.

Speaking of that, didn't Hermione say that the Rick in my world is acting just like I would if I were still there? Does that mean I actually am acting the same as the Rick here would, in which case things won't be totally screwed up if he comes home. Then again, I may never go home. As for the Rick in my world, is it the Rick from this world, or one from another? Did I switch places, or did every Rick in existence just move on to the next world? Unless my body back home is just a shell running without anything inside, like a robot. That could mean the same was happening before I got here. If that's true, though, then am I really involved with Michael and friends with Zidane, Alma, and the others, or are they all just empty shells, too?

If only my sudden insecurities with Michael were the worst thing in my life right now.

"Really?" Michael sounds disappointed. Why would he have to be like that? I haven't done anything wrong. Relationships suck.. "I thought that you and Zidane weren't an item. Ever."

THAT is his problem? Please. As if _I_ would ever want something with _Zidane_. No way. Never. Nope. We're friends, and nothing more. Never will be. I don't even have dreams about being involved with the thief, let alone actually wanting it to happen. Besides, he's always all over Dagger, Alma, or some other stupid airheaded woman. He'd never be interested in me, so there is no way I'm even going to waste my time fantasizing about what it would be like to live my life with Zidane: you know, things like walking through the Business District on a Saturday afternoon, watching kids run around playing stickball and other such things; shopping for groceries and finding an incredible deal on strawberries; later feeding one another said strawberries at night in front of a roaring fire while it snows ourside. Nope, the thought never occurred to me.

"We're just friends," Zidane assures Michael. "The Princess here is a little too uptight for me. You can have him."

"I am not uptight!" I shriek. Really, I'm a very laidback person. Nothing gets to me. My skin is like Teflon. Nothing can bother the Buhdda-like Rick. Nothing.

Zidane looks at me and laughs. "Yes you are! Who else would cry over having a purse stolen? Let alone throw a fit that requires bodily restraint?"

"It's a satchel," I snarl. Why won't anyone listen to me? A satchel is not a purse! "Besides, it's a very traumatic thing. How would you feel if I took this ring you gave me and threw it into a river?"

Of course, I would never do that. It's much too pretty.

"You'd better not," he warns. Like I'm really scared. "Besides, I never gave it to you. You just put it on and never took it off. It's just jewellery. It's not like it's anything important."

"Am I interrupting?" a feminine voice interrupts. So yes, she is interrupting.

Minister Croft walks into the room and looks at our ragtag gathering. Considering Freya is the only one legally old enough to drink on Earth, I'd say that there's really no need for an impressed look to be on her face. And there isn't.

I look around and see that Zidane, Raijin, and even Michael have gone into drool mode. Huh, that's odd. Why would Michael be caught under her spell? I've never been affected by it. Maybe there are some things that just shouldn't be questioned. Like Sarah Jessica's Parker's choices in the world of fashion. Or Fran Dresher's.

"No, ma'am," I say when no one else speaks up. Well, since I have the floor and the arguing seems to have stopped, I might as well ask the burning question, and I don't mean the one about what's going on with Michael and Lara being able to control the libidos of random people without so much as a thought. "Um, why are Raijin and Fujin here? Are they coming to?"

Lara gives that smile that makes the other men in the room melt like Tara Reid's plastic surgery. "They're going to accompany you four part of the way on your journey as a favour to me. Raijin and Fujin are actually on their way to Ascantha, and will break off from your group shortly after you pass through Gizamaluke's Grotto."

"We're walking?" I whine. Sure, I'd figured that some things might stay the same as they were in the game, but some had to have have changed. "Couldn't we just take an airship there?"

"And risk Lindblum being drawn into the conflict?" Freya asks as though I'm stupid or something very close. Something tells me that we won't be getting along too well in the near future. "You truly are a fool."

"Yeah, well you're stupid," I hiss before sticking my tongue out. Then my neck meets Mr. Pointy Spear. It's not the greatest of introductions.

"Do not insult me."

I apologize and she glares at me a few moments before lowering Mr. Pointy Spear. Have I mentioned that all of the hostility going on is like Viagra to the MCoDs? They almost seem to not care about the fact that tearing into Freya could end up with me being dead.

"As I said," Lara continues rather nervously while looking at me as though trying to read what trouble-causing statement I'll make next. They're not intentional. I swear! "They are going to accompany you as far as Gizamaluke Grotto. If you want my opinion, if may be beneficial to stop by Ascantha if you feel you have the time. Just to get some rest, of course."

The fact that she had her eyes on me the entire time tells me that she doesn't want us there to "rest." Actually, it probably has to do with that weird conversation we had yesterday during the Hunt. Well, I'll make sure that we don't go to Ascantha. Gaia's Rick was probably a convict on the run before escaping to Alexandria and she's after the bounty, if my recent bout of bad luck is any indication.

"Now that the idiot is caught up," Freya says impatiently, "will you please open the Dragon Gate?"

This is really starting to tick me off. I am not an idiot. Even Zidane looks upset by it, and he's always making fun of my intelligence.

"Freya, lay off the Princess," he says in my defence. Wow, maybe he's starting to get over the whole me seeing Michael thing. Speaking of which, why hasn't the guy who I think said that he's in love with me said anything about the barrage of negativity I'm getting from the dragoon? "He's kind of sensitive. I really don't want to have him crying the entire way. It's bad enough I'll have to listen to him blather on about his feet hurting and mud ruining his shoes."

However, I'm not mad at him when he finishes. It could be because he turns around and winks at me. Hopefully, it's an indication to the return of the way things were before Lindblum.

Minister Croft regains our attention and leads us all to the elevator that will take us down to the subway thing below the castle. Michael has to stay behind because it's an authorized personnel only type of place, but he gives me a goodbye kiss so passionate that for a moment I forget about all of my doubts. Then they come back twofold because of said passionate kiss.

The elevator is kind of crowded, what with seven people riding it at once, and one of them being the giant that is Raijin. That must be why it's moving so slow.

"Is everyone well equipped for this journey?" Lara asked when the hydraulics starts hissing. The machine comes to a stop soon after and everyone gets off one by one. Lara is the last to depart, right after me. Being short and unarmed sucks big time. Sure, Vivi and Zidane are both lacking more than me in the height area, but one has very sharp knife things, and the other can set me on fire with no effort whatsoever. Scary people, my friends are.

Well, to answer the lady's question: yes. Everyone is well equipped. Raijin is showing off his big wooden stick (if I had a stick, I could whack those stupid squirrels, no problem) while his silent partner continues to glare at me and only me. Her chakram is strapped to her back. How do those blades not cut into her shoulders? Anyway, Freya has her spear, Zidane his daggers, and Vivi needs only his magic. Me? Well, I'm in the situation I've been in since day one: I have nothing. Dagger stole all of my stuff, remember? Stupid fake redheaded princess. Her hair colour's probably not the only thing that's fake, if you get my drift.

"Yeah, we're good to go," I answer when no one else will speak up. Being the mouthpiece of Wonderful Rick and his Fabulous Friends and get quite tiresome. On second thought, that name really doesn't work. It is just way to long. Meh, I'll think of something.

Lara puts a hand into her pocket and beckons me close. "Actually, Rick, seeing as how all of your possessions have been, shall we say, 'liberated,'" she means stolen, "I've seen to it that you are outfitted with something that may help you on your journey."

My journey? I though we were all taking this thing together? Hold that thought. She's holding something shiny!

"This," she says as she dangles a bracelet in front of me, "was synthesized specifically for you by our local masters of synthetics."

That's a fun word to say: synthetics. It just rolls off the tongue, like Gucci or Armani. "Whatever it is," I declare while grabbing at the silvery chain, "it's absolutely gorgeous!"

She holds her hand up so that the jewellery is just out of my reach. I jump for it and she raises her hand even higher. A smirk crosses her face, and I hear a few of my companions sniggering behind my back. Stupid videogame heroes and/or lackeys to secondary villains.

"Rick, this is a Vanguard. It's been imbued with powerful magic to keep you safe. However, I should warn you, because of the strength of the magic, it will negate the effects of any other magical items you may be wearing."

"Huh?" Man, am I confused. "What the heck is a magical item?"

Just about everyone falls to their faces, the only exceptions being Lara and Fujin. Both women have intense looks of concentration focused on me. My skin is covered with goosebumps. Goosebumps sounds so much better than goosepimples. Who wants to evoke the imagery of acne when you're trying to set up suspense, anyway?

Of course, Minister Croft is the one to explain the simplicity of magical items to my stupid self. It's time for a story as to why I don't know what a magical item is. Think. Think. Got it! In my hometown, where I lived before Alexandria, they never used magical items. As for why I hadn't heard of them while living in Alexandria… Well, I'll lie about that when I come to it.

"Magical items are very common. They're everyday objects that contain a small bit of the world's mana. It's life force, so to speak. Anyway, each magical item varies in its usability and strength. We can slightly increase the strength of a magical item, though. A Vanguard for example, is one of the strongest magical items that can be made. We simply combine a…"

She's on a longwinded explanation of something that confuses me. When it's all said and done, it's basically a case of magical items endow people with special abilities, and if a person is in possession of a magical item long enough, they may no longer need the item to use that particular ability. Hmm, now where have I heard of that before?

"This Vanguard thing, what abilities does it give me?" I ask curiously as I finally snatch the bracelet from her and slip it onto my free wrist. The Bangle tends to not want to allow it to fit. Hmm, since this cancels magical abilities, I wonder if it will cancel out my Materia as well.

It takes a few seconds for her to answer. This can't be good. "Um, well, it significantly cuts the ability of magic to harm you…"

"But?" This time it's Freya, who has horned in on my conversation. Raijin and Zidane have gone back into drool mode and Fujin, as always, hasn't said anything. This is such a glamorous life that I lead.

"At the same time," she answers with a sigh that shows she really doesn't want to give an answer, "the healing properties of magic are decreased greatly as well."

Hmm, seeing as how nobody here can cast white magic, and I currently hold a great dislike of anyone in the future that will be able to cast it, that doesn't sound so bad. "So? I'll just use potions. No big deal."

Again, there's an unexpected reaction that makes me feel as though I've said something incredibly stupid. All right, so I don't have any potions or the money to buy them. Is it that bad?

"Rick, you are aware of the downside of relying on potions, are you?" Freya asks. Seriously, is it 'make Rick look stupid' day? "Zidane gave me the impression that you were trained as an Alexandrian knight. Surely they taught you something about potions."

When I tell her that I was in the Knights of Pluto, a look of understanding comes onto her face. At least the uselessness of the Knights of Pluto is a good backstory for my own incompetence.

"The more you use potions, the less effect they have. Your body becomes used to them, ya know." Do I even have to tell you who's talking? You should know this by now. "It's kind of like getting sick. Your body get immune to them, so you have to get something stronger, which is why we have hi-potions."

Huh, he actually said something smart. I'm impressed. So, if I have this straight, the more I use potions the more worthless they become. Hey, as long as they taste good, I'll keep on buying them.

Zidane even feels the need to chime in. "The only exceptions are the rare X-Potions and even rarer Elixirs. Both of them completely restore your health. Many a dying man… or woman has sought them in hopes of prolonging their life, and only a handful have succeeded. The most famous is probably King Cloud of Ascanthia."

A gleam comes into his eye and I know exactly what he's thinking. He wants an elixir. Probably more for what it'll get him one the street than any other actual use.

"What exactly is the difference between an X-Potion and an elixir?" I ask. This is all really useful stuff that never gets explained in the games. You're just supposed to take it for granted, I guess. Yeah, I know what the difference is on the game, but I have no clue of the whole reality thing.

"You really are clueless, Princess," Zidane laughs.

"Shut up, Honey!" I shout, looking around for something to throw at him. Darn, nothing. "I may be clueless, but at least I'm not wearing stripes."

He looks his shirt over and asks what is wrong with the stripes. However, before I can explain that vertical stripes are for fat people trying to hide their weight, and that the only people who wear horizontal stripes are those anorexic models who want o appear as though they actually have eaten something in the past six months when everyone knows that they haven't.

"The difference between X-potions and elixirs are the fact that X-potions heal only injuries, whereas elixirs can purify the body of illnesses that can be extracted by no other means.

Wow, Lara Croft is really smart. So why is she marketed almost exclusively as a sex symbol? Stupid videogame moguls.

"Then what am I supposed to do, not wear the Vanguard that you had made especially for me?" I ask as I look at the gorgeous bracelet. I love jewellery. This particular piece complements the MCoDs in so many ways. Gold is like black: it goes with everything if you wear it right. Even deadly claws decorated with what Yuffie described as Venomously Violet.

"Whatever." She sounds exasperated. What in the world is nothering Minister Croft? My guess is Raijin always saying "ya know." _I know_ that it sure is bothering the heck out of me. "You decide whether or not you want to wear it, Rick. I've already given you all of the information that I can."

"I think I will wear it," I tell her happily as I look at it in the torchlight. Still underground, remember? "It's pretty."

Of course that's why you're wearing it," Zidane says as he leans on me from behind and puts his chin on my shoulder. I turn my head and see that he had a huge, cheesy grin plastered across his face. My instincts kick in and I grab my Vanguard protectively.

"If you even think about stealing it…" I begin to threaten, but he shakes his head and assures me that that's not what he's planning. "So, you are planning something. Out with it, Honey."

He just shakes his head again. "Nope. You'll have to wait and see."

Sometimes I just want to strangle people. Is that a bad thing? The MCoDs seem to think not.

Freya gets tired of all the stalling and demands that we get a move on. Geez, someone sure is bossy. I should probably tell her to shut up when she's not all armed and stuff.

You know that thing you have to ride to get to the gate? Well, imagine riding a very fast roller coaster with no turns, dips, or loops and you pretty much have the feeling that I got. There's the wind blowing the hair away from your face. Well, not in my case. Stupid baldness. Hopefully, it blew the paint off.

It jerks to a stop rather suddenly and I'm thrown into the person beside me, who just happens to be Vivi. He still hasn't said anything. Is my little buddy mute?

"Sorry, Cutie," I say as we climb out and onto a concrete floor. The light is a little bright, so there aren't any torches. Yay! Sunlight! "Are you okay?"

He nods but doesn't say anything before wandering over to Freya's side. My heart is breaking in half. Maybe he should just stay here in Lindblum. Alma would be happy to take care of him, I'm sure. Then he wouldn't have to go through any of the crap ahead of us. You know, Cleyra being attacked by the Mages and all. Who am I to decide his fate, though? I mean, I almost went with Passively Pick on the MCoDs instead! That would have been a faux pa like Gaia has never before seen. You do not go to dances at the Lindblum castle with pink nails and a really hot black suit that is later stolen by a stupid tramp that screwed up her dye job. Dagger must die! Die! Die! Die!

Oh, right, we're getting ready to leave.

Lara waves us off as Raijin and Zidane open the big wooden door that serves as a "gate" to keep the monsters out. Mist spills in and curls around our ankles. It's been so long since I've been in it. The thought of re-entering it is a little overwhelming. How can it not affect these guys?

Our group leaves the safety of the castle. Zidane and Raijin close the doors, getting all sweaty in the process. There had better not be any sweat involved in this thing, because I don't know if my pores can take that in addition to the still unknown effects of the Mist. It won't be just a couple of nights stumbling around in the stuff this time. It's a real trek. It could take days to reach Burmecia. The anatomy of Gaia isn't exactly the same as the game had it, after all.

I hang back a little from the group. Not too smart, I know, what with the fact that monsters can get to me rather easily now. Still, my thoughts require that I have some semblance of departure from the mass. Besides, Fujin keeps giving me these scary glares.

"Hey, Princess," Zidane calls as he slows down enough to walk side by side with me. "Could you please tell me what you see in that Michael guy. I just don't get it."

Not this again. The wall is starting to crumble from the number of times I've smacked my head against over those two. Zidane is my friend, and Michael is my… I could call him a boyfriend, but I don't really want to. Not until I've sorted out all of this stuff. If comes out that I can't tell him that I love him, then it's clear that the relationship is over. I'm not the type to string him along. However, if I do lo… if I do "l-word" him, then "Yay!" for me

"Do you really want to know, or is this another exercise in insulting my tastes in men?" I ask irritably. Am I upset over Zidane criticisms or my own apprehension? Stupid Zidane. Stupid me.

"Yeah, I'm all about the men," Zidane rolls his eyes. Freya looks back at us curiously before looking ahead. "All I can think about are muscles and abs. No boobs for me."

His sarcasm annoys me. "You really want to know why I like Michael? It's because he can do for me what my friends can't."

"And what is that?"

I put one hand on either side of his face and pull him in close, pressing my lips against his, but never opening them. After a second, I pull away in horror. What did I just do? Someone kill me. Well, anyone other than Zidane. He actually will.

"Well," Zidane says slowly after wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "That's definitely something that I won't do for you. Still, I think you can do better."

I completely humiliate myself and all he can do is tell me that I can do better than Michael? Smack! That, my friends, was the sound of my forehead hitting the proverbial wall. What does is take to get through to this blockhead? (A/N: Hah! A Peanuts reference! Not a cameo, but I'm still glad it got in there…)

You know what? I'm just going to worry about all of this Zidane/Michael drama later. Right now, I have something far more important to focus on: getting my satchel back and killing Dagger. Then I can choose between the two most important men in my life on Gaia.

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A/N: There you go, another chapter out. Rick sure was, erm, "romantically interested" in this chapter, wasn't he? Yeah, now that the gang is out of Lindblum, I'm going to back off the melodrama for a little while. This isn't R&R, after all.

Oh, and guess who just got an Xbox 360? Me. That's who. Now I just have to muster up enough patience to wait for Blue Dragon to come out. How can you go wrong with Hironobu Sakaguchi, Nobuo Uematsu, and Akira Toriyama? Oh, visions of Chrono Trigger are flashing through my head so fast right now…

Next chapter: Quina!


	17. At Least She Can Cook

Chapter 17: At Least S/he Can Cook

A/N: So, here we are, back on track plot-wise. Can I just say that it took seven, I repeat, SEVEN chapters to go through of the Lindblum stuff? Yeah. This fic is definitely going to go on for a while. Not even _Resurrection_ took this long, and it had more chapters than Bill Clinton did sex scandals.

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I do not like having things stolen from me. The whole Dagger must die thing probably clued you off to that. I kind of feel sorry for those monsters that don't. You know, the ones in the area between Lindblum and Gizamaluke Grotto? I'm talking about those annoying things that steal your elixirs and phoenix downs before vanishing. Well, they don't so much vanish in real life. It's more of a spewing smoke and running away thing. Really, somebody should have told them that you do not steal things from me.

You see, the group took a vote and decided that the useless one, me, should have to carry our supplies. That means all of the potions, antidotes, and other selected goodies. Fun. Especially seeing as how there isn't a magical satchel that gets rids of all the heaviness. At least it kept me out of all the fights, which ended rather suddenly between the skill of Freya and viciousness of Fujin. Zidane, who was our tough guy for the longest time, is currently suffering a blow to his ego, but that's besides the point. Anyway, one of those things thief things snuck on me from behind, hit me in the head with something blunt, grabbed our bag of gear and ran. Of course, it had to hit me in the whole paint covered area. Stupid blue target thing.

"Get back here!" I shriek as I give chase. Being mugged, knocked out and robbed, called useless, and then getting mugged again has really begun to try my patience. Stupid Elena. Stupid Dagger. Stupid Freya. Stupid monster that is about to die!

"Princess!" Zidane calls as he takes off after me. "Get back her before you get yourself killed!"

So, of course, I stop and watch as all of our loot goes away. Not! My legs keep pumping in a manner that would make my gym teacher back on earth all giddy. Before Gaia, I would've had to stop and take a break by now. At the very least, I've gotten into better shape since coming here. I think I can out throw my four-year-old niece now, too.

The monster thing, I can't remember what they're called, is either starting to slow down or I'm getting faster. Either way, I'm catching up. By the way, so what if I don't recall the name of every monster that ever existed in this game? It's just the thing I played between bouts of FFVII and FFVIII madness until I got a Gamecube. Oh, Yaun, how I love you with all of your prettiness. If he's the villain here instead of Garland or Kuja, I'm going to have to pull a Seifer so fast that it'll make everyone's heads spin. Oh yeah, Rick likes the sexy.

The stupid thieving Mist monster looks back before tripping, proving at once that I'm both scary and not the worlds' only klutz. That's right, I said worlds' instead of world's. Even back on Earth, I was tripping over stuff, though not to the degree that I have on Gaia. Just a stuck out foot here and there instead of absolutely EVERYTHING. Plus, it's quite amazing to me that I can actually inspire fear in something. Up until now, the only time I saw that look was when my classmates and I had to change for gym class (which I never did, thus giving my gym teacher one more on a long list of reasons to dislike me). Stupid uptight high school boys.

I shout something about the creature dying as I pounce on it. The MCoDs are in the air, about to descend on it and bathe in blood, like they've wanted to ever since I woke up on those steps in Alexandria, but someone grabs my wrist and pulls me off the creature. Zidane throws me to the ground before pulling out his daggers and stabbing the thing many, many times. And I thought my MCoD viciousness may have been overkill.

"Do you have any brains?" he asks me as he wipes the blades of his weapons on the wet grass before grabbing our bag of stuff and throwing it on me. Yeah, someone remind that I have to kill Zidane. Wet grass equals wet butt when someone throws you onto yours. Stupid Zidane.

"Come on, Honey," I say as I stand up and throw the pack over our shoulder. He feels around the monster and produces another black rock thing that is most definitely ore. "You think that in all the time we've traveled together that I can't even take care of one little monster?"

He smiles as puts the ore into the bag and puts an arm around my shoulder. "Princess, if I've learned anything during all the time we've traveled together, it's that you can't even take care of one little monster. That's why you need me to protect you."

Protect me? So… Zidane yelled at and chased after me, not because he was mad, but because he was worried? How cute. I think somebody likes me.

"If anything, I need you to make me look smart, Honey. Everybody knows that you don't wear sleeveless shirts in the cold."

A small laugh escapes him as we as we make our way back to the awaiting group. "Princess, the only worse than wearing sleeveless shirt in the cold is wearing bright colours to a city where it always rains."

Did he just make a fashion-related comeback? Ah, so he is learning after all. I'm so proud.

"Did you two have fun?" Raijin asks cheerfully despite the fact that he's sporting a red mark on the side of his face that's bound to bruise. Ouch.

"Tons," Zidane replies just as happily as he pulls me into another set of noogies, right where I got hit in the head my that stupid thing he just killed. "Hey, Princess, I've been wondering something."

"I told you, I'm done talking about M…"

Putting the hand he'd just been using on the side of my head over my mouth, he groans a little. "I'm not going to ask you about your precious 'boyfriend.' All I want to know is this: why do you have paint on the side of your head?"

"Mmmph bbpt mmpfh," I answer.

"What?" he asks. "Can't you speak like a normal person?"

"HAND!" Fujin states to a clueless look from Zidane.

"Huh?"

"I think you've got to take your hand off his mouth for him to talk, ya know," Raijin explains. Why does it take the (arguably) dumbest member of our group for him to understand that?

"Umm, what's wrong with Michael?" Vivi asks out of the blue. "I met him when we were getting to leave, and he seemed like a nice guy."

Out of the mouth of babes.

"We're just not going to talk about Michael. Okay, Cutie?" I tell Vivi when I'm finally allowed to speak. Zidane seemed to have forgotten that his hand was still on my mouth for a bit there. "Zidane is kind of a jerk to me when it comes to the M-word."

"Am not," the thief huffs, but for the sake of keeping the peace, I take the higher, more honourable road and let it slide.

"Can we please go now?" Freya asks rather impatiently. "I kind of have to be somewhere right now."

Geez, we get it, your homeland is being attacked and your people massacred. We all have things going on in our lives, you know. Some people can be so selfish.

With that, we continue on our way, the others killing a number of monsters whose names I can't remember. Really, this whole world switching thing would have been a lot easier if I'd been allowed to bring the walkthrough with me. Not that I have one. To get it, I would've had to have gone on ebay and wait two weeks for it to come through the mail. You know what, I'd just rather not know. Less money and less waiting.

"What's that?" Vivi asks nervously, as is his tendency these days when he actually does speak. My eyes follow his finger and I see a large swampy bog thing lying ahead of us. Darn it, couldn't we have skipped this? Quina is just an optional character on disk one. We can just avoid that nasty unpleasantness.

"It's nothing to concern ourselves with," I say as thoughts of ruining my "new" shirt on the slimy things in the marsh invade my mind. Eww. "We should just go around it."

Freya shakes her head in disagreement. Darn it. Now I'm going to have to ruin these ugly boots even more. Just a thought, but does anyone remember when I started to hate my current footwear? Oh, right, when I found something better. Stupid Elena.

"Rick, we need to go through there. The map that Regent Cid gave me shows that the fastest way to the grotto is through that marsh."

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I do not want to go in there. There are frog things that spit at you, muck, weeds that catch on your clothes (last pair of everything, if you'll recall. Stupid satchel stealing Dagger. She must die!), and the whole Quina thing. S/he never really was my favourite character, as I've said time and again. Stupid useless blue magic didn't help either. The only thing s/he was good for was a little bit of extra firepower during this particular part of the game that I am currently living. However, seeing as how we have Raijin and Fujin, we really don't need to go there. No, we do not. Don't make me go! Please!

"Princess, what are you waiting for?" Zidane asks as he grabs and drags a reluctant me by the wrist. Rick no want marsh.

At the entrance to the marsh we're jumped by these big scaly, lizardy things. I think they're called Serpions, although it could be something else entirely. All I know is that they have big pointy tail things that scare me. Poison is not a fun thing to die from. Just ask Anna Nicole.

"Stay back!" Zidane orders as he pulls out his daggers and stands right in front of me. Seriously, this whole protector thing is getting old fast. As if I don't know my place in battle. Everyone else fights, and I get to run around screaming as things try to hurt me. It's practically down to a science.

Freya jumps high into the air as one of the three, yes, I said THREE, Serpions jabs at her with the barb on the end of its tail. She comes down and stabs it with her spear, but the weapon bounces off its reinforced hide. Freya can't kill them. Yay? No, Rick, no yay.

One of the monsters lumbers in my direction. Of course, being my self-appointed "protector, Zidane attempts to drive it away but is instead batted to the side with a sweep of that horrible tail. Really, this has to be the ugliest creature I've ever seen, and I've seen Brahne up close. At least, I think I have. Probably, what with the whole possessing the Rick of this world thing going on. I'm also starting to remember things, a bit here and there, but it's all fuzzy. Are they the memories from the Rick here, or are they things that my mind is coming up with to cope with the whole not knowing my past in this world wonderfulness? Oh, right, killer beast thing coming my way. I just can't have a moment to myself, can I?

"Oof!" after a spectacular dive, I am literally eating grass. It doesn't really taste as good as those stupid cows make it seem. There is no way I'd eat this stuff once, let alone three or four times. Blech! Meh, at least I'm not impaled on a Serpion tale.

An icicle flies over my head and smashes into the neck of the monstrosity. The frigid spear shatters on impact and the big monster thing falls to the ground with a thud.

"And that's why you don't mess with me," I boast as I stand up and kick it in the side. Stupid monster.

Of course, my luck had to be that Vivi (when did he learn Blizzard, anyway?) didn't kill it. Ooh, I don't like that look on its face. Reminds me of all those looks I got from Steiner. Somebody help me…

A chakram comes flying out of nowhere and slices the head off the thing completely. Well, if that doesn't spell dead, I don't know what does. As an added bonus, no blood got on me this time!

Again, Fujin stares at me, and my blood runs cold. Why does creepy girl keeping looking at me? Make her stop! Somebody? She's looking at me!

"That was fruitless," Freya says over her own dead monster. I watch the last one snuff it as Raijin puts it in a headlock, much like the one Zidane just had me in, and snaps its neck. Boy, this has been a fun trip. Maybe next we'll get to visit my hometown of Hellhole. Everybody there just loves me, and my new friends/traveling companions/angry stalkers would just love to meet the citizens of Hellhole and discuss how much of a help to society I am. Sarcasm, again, in case you didn't know.

We all gather our stuff and, in my case, courage up before stepping into the reedy wonderfulness that is Qu's marsh. Lovely, I tell you. Why must my life involve getting sucked into FFIX? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: this so should have been about me getting sucked into some other videogame. Heck, I wouldn't have minded Dragon Quest VIII. Aside from Jessica's tendency to be violent and Yangus's overall unscrupulousness, it didn't seem like a bad world to live in. Well, there was the whole world ending thing, but what _good_ RPG doesn't have that? (If someone says Pokèmon, they'd better mean from the actual series and not those awful spinoffs.) Besides, maybe then I'd actually get to learn the main character's name. Unless I took the role of the main character, in which case I would be fated to marry Medea, and that so is not happening. There is no way I would even consider Trode being my father-in-law. Blech.

As it is, I'm in FFIX and wandering through a marsh with a giant rat who doesn't seem to like me, a genome who flirts with anything even resembling a woman, a black mage going through an identity crisis, and kind-hearted muscle head, and a scary girl with anger issues. Oh, joy.

You know that bridge thing that you're supposed to walk when you cross the big body of water? Cut it in half where the width is concerned and you have the actual measurement. Everyone is walking slowly, trying not to fall into the nasty water below. It's hard to believe that things can actually live in that stuff. Water is not meant to be a very pale taupe. Even vomit is a better colour than this stuff.

"Watch your step, Princess," Zidane warns from behind me. I look back at him and he has one of those grins on his face that means trouble. "You wouldn't want to fall in."

He had better not.

"Honey, don't you dare…" I warn as he stops, puts a hand on each of my arms, and throws me off the bridge and into the water.

The first thing you notice about swamp water is that it's not cold. Actually, it's kind of tepid. The second thing is its taste/smell. Yes, I had the great luck to fall into the water with my mouth open. Nasty. When I get out of here, Zidane is so going to get it. This was my last pair of clean clothes! Now I'm going to have to go to Burmecia smelling of swamp water. Sure, there might be a change of clothes at Quina's shack, but I honestly would rather walk around the continent in nasty clothes than dress like a Qu. Just the thought of wearing an apron like that makes me shudder.

Ah! Something just touched me!

Screams fill the air when I break the surface. Raijin helps me out of the water. He's not laughing. The rage in my eyes must have tipped him off not to find the humour in my humiliation.

"You will die!" I growl as I run at Zidane, probably not the smartest thing to do on this very skinny bridge thing. I reach him, MCoDs all ready to tear him a new something, but slip on a puddle of water that can only have gotten on the bridge when I fell into the water. As a latch ditch attempt to steady myself, I grab at Zidane and miss. Getting thrown into water and hitting water are two very different things. When Zidane threw me in, I had been it expecting it and had time to prepare. There isn't any time to prepare when you fall in. Hitting water hurts.

Why am I back in the nasty water? Stupid Zidane.

The moron who threw me in to begin with is the one to help me out. I am very tempted to pull him in with me, but there's really no sense in it. It's not like I want him to suffer right now. There are ways that I can do that later.

"Are you okay, Princess? That looked kind of…" he starts.

"Painful? Yeah, there was a lot of pain. Plus, I now have soaking wet clothes and this lovely swamp stench. Thank you so much, Honey. Let me know just how I can repay you in the future."

He gets this contemplative look on his face. "Well, since you seem to have a way with the ladies that rivals even my own, I'll just let you set me up with some cuties when we get back to Lindblum."

Like I'm really going to do that. If it weren't for the fact that I absolutely hate her, I'd join forces with Eiko and let her have her way with him. Seriously, that little girl inspires hatred in me that nothing else short of Fox News can.

Freya gives us this look that shows she doesn't appreciate all of the wasted time. Is it my fault that Zidane is a pretentious jerk that feels the need to embarrass me in every way possible?

After everyone settles down, we continue crossing the bridge until we reach the nice and mucky ground on the other side. These boots do not deserve this. Sure, I may hate them, call them ugly, and wish that Elena were cursed with them instead of my lovely shoes, but that's no excuse for this undeserved punishment. Stupid Freya and her stupid shortcut.

After getting my shirt caught on all kinds of unruly plants and tripping over a rock to land face first in said muck. Loveliness. What is it about Gaia that makes me as much a klutz as Colette from ToS? Must be the change in gravity. That's the only thing I can think of, anyway. Unless the Rick here was a total klutz, and I've inherited some of his tendencies. That is a definite possibility, seeing as how I'm starting to get some memories of his. There's me, or him, as a little boy running around a big stone building with another little boy with grey hair and a redheaded girl. Hermione had better be able to tell me just what the heck is going on when I run into her next. She said something about the Sielje Region, and I know someone somewhere will know something about that. of course, the only way to get there in Wild Arms 2 was by using that teleporting machine in that one building, so it's completely probable that there is a similar entrance here on Gaia. Whoa, the Wild Arms series was on a planet known as Filgaia, and the Final Fantasy series is (mostly) Gaia, so it must be pretty obvious that one is a rip off of the other. Now the question is which one is the big name and which is the rip off?

That was a long ramble about absolutely nothing. Raine Sage would be proud. (A/N: Is it at all obvious what my current obsession is?)

"What's that?" Vivi asks. Pulled away from my thoughts, I look up to see Quina jumping around pitifully, trying to catch a frog. Really pitifully. S/he has more mud stains than I do. Taking pity on Quina, Zidane stabs a frog with one of his Daggers and hands it to Quina. Didn't he just catch it in the game? Wonderful. That is probably the most disgusting thing I've seen today.

Let me take that back. Watching Quina eat the frog is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. I've seen all of George Romero's zombie movies, and they can't hold a candle to the gorefest that I just witnessed. Even Freya looks a pale. Of course, the only one unaffected is Fujin, but that could just be because… well, I can't come up with a reason for it.

"Quina! You is pathetic," another Qu says as s/he walks into the clearing. If I'm correct, this thing is male and named Quan, unless that's Vivi's grandfather. If that's the case, then this is actually Quayle. Or something like that. I really should have paid more attention to the game, but I never really bothered with the frog catching sidequest. It just wasn't as much fun as making a chocobo dig. "Can not even catch your own dinner. You is be ashamed."

What's with the broken English? At least, I'm assuming I'm speaking English. If I'm actually speaking some weird Gaian language and the only reason I can understand is because the Rick before me spoke it… Stupid Hermione not answering my questions. What good is knowing a know-it-all if you can't learn from her the things that you don't know?

There's a bit of back and forth between Quina and Quayle, which is what I'm going to call the other Qu until I can figure out what his name is. Stupid memory lapses. When it's all said and done, we're invited to Quayle's little cabin in the marsh.

When we get there, Quina slinks off to hide in the reeds or something. Vivi just keeps looking at Quayle with a weird look in his eyes. I doubt anyone else notices it. Poor kid must really be missing his grandpa right now.

"So, what did you want to talk to us about?" Zidane asks when everyone concerned is gathered inside. Freya looks a little annoyed that we're wasting her time instead of running right off to save her nation. She must regret coming through here. I told her not to come, but she wouldn't listen to me. Now I'm all wet and stinky, and we're going to have Quina coming with us. Oh, joy, a party of seven until we get out of Gizamaluke Grotto. Fujin and Raijin are supposed to leave us then, remember? Something about having a job in Ascantha. I don't really know what the whole job thing is about, but I'm going to assume it involves hunting.

"Quina is young. I want you take Quina with you on journey. S/he need learn many lessons on food, learn there more to eat than frogs," Quayle tells us. "Quina also strong in battle. Be big help."

I'm just going to say nothing. Aside from Cait Sith, everybody knows that Quina is the most useless character is all of Final Fantasy lore. Well, there's also Gau and Edgar, but at least they have interesting back stories. At least, Gau does. Reeve just annoyed me with his cowardice.

"What do you guys think?" Zidane, acting as our unofficial leader, asks. Everyone pretty much mumbles something along the lines of "I don't care."

"If it'll get us out of here faster," Freya adds. Geez, woman, like we're really going to do much to stop the Alexandrian military. Our group does consists of two decent fighters, and one of them is leaving after Gizamaluke Grotto. I really can't stress that point enough.

"You stay here. It already late, and marsh very dangerous at night," Quayle warns us. "I have Quina take you to rooms."

There are actually rooms here? I just thought this was a one-room shack.

Quayle calls for his apprentice/child/whatever the heck relation Quina is to him. The younger Qu bows to him before leading us outside. Didn't the big guy just say that it was dangerous to be outside?

I look up at the sky and see that the sun is setting. Have we really been out that long already? Time flies by when you're getting beat up and thrown into swamp water. Oh yeah, I'm definitely rethinking the whole forcing my way onto the battlefield thing here. Staying in Lindblum with Alma and Lara does indeed sound like fun compared to all of _this_. Heck, I even miss Michael despite all of the "love" weirdness.

"You stay here," Quina says when we reach another set of buildings hidden in the reeds. There are two of them, and I'm assuming that they're going to split us up along gender lines here. It's going to get kind of cramped in there with four guys. You may think that would be my dream, but you have to consider that two of the guys are Vivi and Raijin. Not exactly the best environment for certain types of escapades unless you're a really strong pedophile. I am neither.

"Okay, since there are six of us, Vivi Raijin, and I will stay in that one," Zidane points to the more dilapidated of the two, "while Freya, Fujin, and the Princess take the other one."

Freya looks a little concerned about that. "Are you sure it's safe to put him in with us. He might try things."

Zidane laughs and says that his fear of my "trying things" is the reason I'm being put with the girls. I take exception to that. Aside from kissing him on the Prima Vista and then again this morning, I have not tried to do anything to anyone. Besides, neither of those was really romantic or sexual in nature. Why would I want Zidane anyway? I have Michael waiting for me. I don't have a need for that stupid monkey. Who cares how well he cleaned up at the ball? There is a very sexy man with no painting abilities that is in love with me, I think. Stupid Zidane.

So we split off, and I try to wring the last of the dirty water out of my drying clothes. You know how clothes get all stiff when they get all wet and then have to air dry without any fabric softener? I'm enduring that loveliness in addition to the already sucking smell that just won't seem to leave. Plus, I'm starting to get a headache. It's probably from all of the stress I've had to go through in the last couple of days. Being a grownup and having to save the world isn't any fun.

"You're sleeping over there," Freya says when we walk into the building and see four beds. Of course, she points me to the dingiest one in the darkest corner. As if to emphasize her influence on where I'll be sleeping tonight, she pulls out her spear. "I'll be back later, and my stuff had better not have been touched or I won't hesitate to kill you."

That was all said to me, by the way. Fujin just stood there giving me an eyeful. Looking away from creepy lady, I see something on the floor that drives me to jump onto the nearest bed, which is not the one Freya picked out for me.

"Ah! Kill it! Kill it!" I scream as the evil beast looks as me and twitches its nose. Those beady eyes stare me down as I continue screaming and jump to a bed slightly farther away.

Freya rushed back inside, spear in hand, and looks around for the sign of danger. "What is it?"

Fujin doesn't say anything. She doesn't really have to, since I point to the evil creature and continue screaming. "There it is! Kill it! Kill it!"

The dragoon walks to where I'm pointing and bends down. She puts her hands on the floor and beckons the monstrosity over. It crawls across the floor and into her hand. With an irritated look on her face, lshe looks back at me holds the thing out for me to see it in all of its disgusting glory. "Are you talking about this?"

Fearfully I shake my head before demanding that smash its bones to dust.

"Rick, it's just a mouse. In case you've forgotten, I come from a country full of people that probably shared an ancestor with this poor little guy."

Way to look stupid, Rick. Why not just tell Freya that she's disgusting? That'll definitely win her over.

Giving me a dirty look, she leaves the building again with the mouse in tow. Sighing out of relief, I drop onto my behind and look over at Fujin who is still staring at me. "What is it? Is there something about me that's really that interesting?"

She nods, more conversation than I've ever gotten from her (unless you count the insults) in all the time we've known each other. Fujin sits beside me on the bed and grabs my arm. My sleeve is pulled back to reveal the bangle and she taps the yellow Materia. This can't be good.

"What do you know?" I ask quietly for fear that Freya might still be around. It's one thing to talk to someone who is already suspicious of you. It's another for a canon character to find out that they're traveling with someone who technically isn't even from their universe.

Fujin looks off thoughtfully before turning back to me and showing just what is underneath that eye patch.

Where her eye should be, which I already figured was missing, there is a yellow orb. Exactly like the one on my bangle and Hermione's necklace. That can mean only one of two things. Either Fujin has been transported here just like us, or she's doing that whole Yu-gi-oh thing and our Materia is like the Millenium items and she is using one in a very Pegasus-like way. I am so hoping that it's the former.

"Are you not from around here?" I ask. She nods before closing the eye patch. My stomach is thankful. "How did you get here? Did you just wake up in this world?"

Another nod. Her whole not speaking thing is making this conversation kind of one-sided. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I want answers and most of them aren't yes or no.

"Did a woman in a white dress leave this for you?" I ask as I finger my own Materia. Why didn't Fujin get a piece of fancy jewellery like Hermione or me?

She nods again and stands up. I ask her if she met the woman in the white dress, but this time the answer is no. When I ask how she can know for sure, she just shrugs.

So, let me get this straight. I am not the only person to be experiencing this. Of course, I knew by now Hermione was, what with all of the Lindblum goodness. But Fujin, too? This can't just be a coincidence. Especially seeing as how we both got Materia from some woman in a white dress that neither of us even knows. What is the common thread between the three of us? An even bigger question is how many other people are in this world when they shouldn't be? Hermione said it was rare for even one person to experience it, but there are at least three of us running around Gaia.

"Does Raijin know?"

She shakes her head again. "ZIDANE?"

Finally, a spoken word! "No, nobody knows. Well, there is this girl named Hermione and her friend Lilka, but they only know because Hermione is like us," I explain despite the fact that I know absolutely nothing. "She said something about us possessing the bodies of people here, and our own bodies back in our home worlds being empty shells that are essentially running around doing what we would do except without souls. Or something like that."

She looks about as confused as I was, and still am. Trust it to Hermione to completely confuse everything about this.

Now that I know, or at least have my suspicions, that something is going on, I begin to wonder just what it is with this world. It isn't like it is in the game at all, a fact that I've often stated, but now I'm wondering if it's that way because we're here or if we're here because it's all screwed up. Stupid world changing phenomena.

"How long have you been here?" I ask curiously. She holds up three fingers.

"Three days? Wow, I would've figured that you were here longer than me."

She shakes her head and I rattle off a few more options. Weeks? No. Months? Again, no. I don't like where this is going.

The woman has been here for three years. That means that I may not be going home soon after all. She's been dealing with all of this for that long by herself. And to think I'd been throwing myself a pity party all this time. My week or so of FFIX is nothing compared to three years. Fujin has probably already given up on going home.

"You've made a life here for yourself, haven't you?" I ask. She nods again before looking off wistfully. I'm sure memories of her old life have suddenly been thrust back on her. Unlike me, though, at least she still has a part of it. "At least you found Raijin again."

She gives me a weak smile. In all my years of Playstation enjoyment, I'd never seen Fujin express this much emotion. It's almost creepier than the cold stares.

"How old are you?" I ask.

Two fingers are held up like peace sign, and then the index finger thumb are touched together to form an "O."

"Twenty?" A nod later, I'm doing the math. She came here three years ago, she's twenty… So when she came to Gaia, Fujin was my age. How long am I going to be here, then? Will my friends and family move on with some imposter, and not the real me? Will my life at home be something that I no longer want to be a part, if I do go back, because it's no longer really me? Oy, Rick is more confused than a Senator at an ethics seminar.

If I'm here for three years, and have developed a close associations with my friends, and even a life with a job and all that good stuff, would I want to go home? To be honest, despite all of the fun I'm having, I really want to go home. However, there doesn't seem to be any way to do that.

"Do you want to go back?" I ask Fujin as I contemplate my own reasons for staying in Gaia or going home should I ever get the choice. "If you could, would you leave the life you have here, with the Raijin you have here, for what you used to have?"

She looks at me but doesn't answer. I'm not too surprised. How can I expect someone to answer a question that I myself can't?

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A/N: Well, there is another plot twist that you didn't see coming. Fujin will be taking a large part of the story. Unlike that other victim of what I'm going to term as "Rick's phenomena." She will actually replace one of the canon characters, and anyone who has a comedic mind will easily figure out which one. If s/he just happens to be one of your favourites, I'm sorry. You just have to suffer the joys of reading a fanfic by a major Fujin fanboy.

Oh, an update on my videogame status to those who care: I just bought _Enchanted Arms_ for the 360. it doesn't look very good, but an RPG is an RPG. It's just something to tide me over until _Blue Dragon_ is released. However, I do find the fact that one of the main characters is a Drag Queen rather refreshing, though. That's the first time I can actually remember that happening. Unless you count Cloud's crossdressing or the drag queen from Dollet in FFVIII, but I don't.


	18. Blech

Chapter 18: Blech

A/N: I need a good, new RPG… there's only so many times you can play Tales of Symphonia before you just want to smack Lloyd upside the head and tell him to jump Colette! Poor Gamecube, I've only had you a few months and already I'm tired of you. My 360 is looking to be a good buy, though. FFXIII and FFXIII Versus may not be Sony Exclusives! (Sorry, PS3. All of your sexiness just doesn't make up for the $600 pricetag.) Blue Dragon, why must you make me wait until August, you undoubted work of genius!

Okay, now that my whining is out of the way, I actually have some story notes. There will be some weirdness in the next few chapters, but it's not in the same category of weirdness that you've seen. You'll still be getting your narcissism and whining from Rick, but there'll be more world-jumping ahead, and when Rick gets through Gizamaluke Grotto, you will learn why. Also, I felt that I should mention that because I want to, those annoying jesters won't be in this fic. And, I swear, that if I get a review telling me that doing that is messing with the canon of the story… Well, let's just hope that I don't get anyone stupid enough to do that, okay?

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This is lovely. Once more, I find myself staring down Elena. Luckily, I have more than just Zidane to back me up. She must be really ticked about the beating I put on her last time. She recognizes me now. Somehow, the world's biggest blonde put together that bald guy she robbed and the guy that totally kicked her behind in ice cavern are the same incredibly sexy person who will forever be out of her league. Okay, so I exaggerate a little. Elena isn't the biggest blonde in the world. She has to share that title with Seifer. Forgive me, but I find it just a little disturbing when someone who is supposed to be evil is actually making out with the heroine of the story while her love interest is dancing with me. You just have to love this screwed up world that I woke up in, don't you?

"You!" I shout angrily as I notice that she has _her_ feet in _my_ shoes. If I ever get them back, they're probably going to give me athlete's feet. Stupid Elena.

You're probably wondering what the heck is going on, aren't you? Well, long story short, we're in the beginning part of Gizamaluke's Grotto. The bit where those two clown guys sic the Black Mages on you. Well, there are Black Mages and dead Burmecian soldiers, but no little people in red and blue that eventually turn into a large freak. What is it with twins becoming one giant monster, anyway? First those freaky ghost things in Buffy (awesome show, BTW. Except for the last two seasons, which were just meh), and then those guys who aren't here when they should be. Instead, I have Elena to deal with. Again.

She's already sent the Black Mages after us, which Raijin, Zidane, and Freya are dealing with. Vivi, the poor little guy, can't seem to move. Quina is being even more useless than me by trying to eat one of the mages. That leaves me and Fujin to deal with crazy blonde lady. Joy of joys.

"You said I have a bad dye job," Elena curses as she gets into a battle pose. Fujin draws her chakram and I just stand there. Stupid Materia not being good for anything but healing. I think it's on the frits, too. Remember how my allergies cleared up when I equipped it? Well, this morning I woke up feeling like crap. Not the exhausted kind of crap that I felt when I first began this wonderful journey, either. Stupid Freya making me sleep in that stupid drafty corner.

"Point being?" I ask with a faked yawn. Maybe antagonizing her isn't that good of an idea, but there really isn't much else that I can do. All I can do is distract the Turk while my fellow "traveler" takes her out.

"This is my real hair colour!" Elena screams angrily. Then she gets an evil grin on her face. This can't be good. "Of course, I'll forgive you since you gave me these gorgeous shoes. They're a little tight, but I'm sure I'll break them in soon enough."

Oh, no she didn't! That hag is planning on keeping my gorgeous shoes. That does it. The MCoDs are going to get the exercise that they've always wanted. "You stupid skank!"

I leap at her with no thought to my own safety. You can see why I'm not the strategist of the group, because I get a kick to the face that sends me flying into a wall. This is familiar in all the worst ways.

Fujin throws her weapon, the spinning circle thing of death looking all deadly. The other womanly warrior does a Matrix-style bending backward thing that I know I could do with the removal of several vital bones and organs. Elena comes back up and dodges a swing from Fujin, grabs the grey-haired gal's arm, and throws her into me. Ow.

"I think this whole getting my butt kicked thing may be rubbing off on you," I joke painfully as Fujin and I untangle the mass that is our arms and legs. Don't ask how, but my left leg had bent around her neck while she sat on my right. If I do decide that I want to be with him, Michael will definitely be a lucky man. More than my schedule is flexible, if you know what I mean. (A/N: Still not regretting going "T" on this fic. Just so you know.)

She just gives me that glare that I'm becoming all too used to now that I know it isn't one of hatred, unlike the ones I'm always getting from Freya. The dragoon still has a bit of a grudge against me.

"You're as pathetic as I remembered. How in the world did you and monkey-boy beat me?" Elena asks cockily as I look around for something to throw at her stupid head. Wonderful. We're in some sort of ancient cavern/tomb thing, and there isn't a rock to be seen. I could throw the pack of equipment we have. I set it down the moment that I first saw the sadistic blonde nutcase. We really don't me falling on and breaking our stuff while Elena throws me around like a rag doll. Stupid Dagger. Now I'm really going to have to kill her for stealing my satchel.

Zidane hears her comment and looks over at us, only to be blasted into the wall by a Fire spell. He really should learn to pay attention to what's going on. Getting distracted in the middle of a battle can be dangerous. Seriously, what kind of person does that? I never let myself get distracted when I was playing a videogame. My anger level would just go up and I would tell the moron trying to interrupt me to talk to me after I finished laying the smackdown on Dhoulmagus. Yeah, DQVIII rocks as much as FFVIII. Sigh. I love that game.

My thoughts are rudely interrupted as Elena grabs my ear and lifts my to my feet. Fujin must've tried to attack her again, because my "friend" is lying in a pained heap on the ground and looking very angry. That isn't good. An angry Fujin is probably worse than an angry Rick. Everyone knows that an angry Rick isn't much fun.

"Looks like it's just you and me again," Elena taunts as she lands a fist in my gut, effectively winding me. Can I say add that being punched hurts? "You're still pathetic. What are you going to do to me this time? Pull my _naturally blonde_ hair again?"

"No," I rasp as I look up at her. This woman is really starting to get on my nerves.

Then it happens.

Ever since that morning after Evil Forest, the MCoDs have attacked (or attempted to attack, I should say) just about anyone and everyone. Now they finally know what it feels like to draw blood. They like it. They like it a lot.

Elena has four bloody streaks on her left cheek. There would've been five, but my thumb didn't make contact. She touches her cheek and looks at the blood on her fingertips with astonishment. This is so not good. My MCoDs are crying for a proper bloodbath. Unfortunately, I think there's going to be one. It just won't be Elena's blood splattered all over the walls of this place.

"WHY YOU!" she screams almost incoherently as she runs at me, levelling punch after punch on my poor face. Aside from the pain, I'm now left to wonder what Michael and Zidane will think of me. The last thing I need is for my boyfriends… Um, I mean, my boyfriend-type person and my best friend to see me all bruised and missing half my teeth. Yeah, it's the middle ages and next to nobody has heard of hygiene, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't look presentable. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU RUINED MY PERFECT FACE!"

"Only one perfect face has been ruined," I choke out as blood falls from my lips and onto the ground. "And it definitely isn't yours, you pretentious little tramp."

While she looks confused at first (probably trying to figure out what "pretentious" means), Elena looks even madder at the insult I just threw her way. She prepares to attack. Luckily, she never does. Fujin has recovered and slices Elena across the back with her chakram. The blonde assassin falls to the ground. My saviour holds me up as I turn my head away from Elena's body to vomit. My stomach feels like it's about to implode into nothingness; probably a side effect of getting punched in the gut a dozen or so times. There's nothing like watching an actual person being killed to get those nerves all soothed.

"You okay, Princess?" Zidane asks when he's done destroying the Black Mages. Freya looks ready to move on, too concerned with her homeland to realize that a human being was just killed. Sure, Elena may have been trying to kill us, but even she didn't deserve to die. Call me Colette. I was just hoping that this whole thing with the Turks might end without someone getting seriously hurt or dying.

"Yeah," I mutter when the bile stops. My stomach feels like someone reached through my skin and is squeezing it with a vice. Sad thing is, I don't look any slimmer for it. "I'm just not used to watching people die."

"I don't know what you're talking about, ya know," Raijin says. He and Vivi are both looking at the same body of a badly decimated mage. Poor little guy. I don't feel as bad for Raijin as I do Vivi. Mostly because the tall one is poking the corpse with his battle staff. Weirdo.

Fujin and I both look at Elena's body, but it's not there. This had better be one of those weird Resident Evil-style body disappearances. The thought of that crazy blonde running around with a grudge against me, and I guess I should probably include Fujin, isn't exactly the best thought one should have.

"You should probably drink this," Zidane advises as he reaches into the pack that I'm responsible for. He produces a potion, and I reluctantly take it. Do I really want to do this? Sure, I'm all bruised and stuff, but it's not really serious enough to need a potion. Minister Croft said that each time I drink a potion it becomes less and less effective. However, drinking it may do something about this queasiness in my stomach that I've had ever since waking up. Bottoms up, I guess.

This time it tastes like hot cider. I've wanted something like that ever since coming to Gaia. Everything has either been cold or lukewarm. No hot food that wasn't slaughtered prior to being put on my plate. (The Qus had given me some sort of cold mush that tasted like leftover oatmeal when they found out I was a vegetarian. Apparently, they can cook for any type of diet. I'm going to find out if Quina knows anything about South Beach.)

I grab Freya's spear and look at my reflection in the pointy part. There isn't any blood obscuring my view, which makes me wonder momentarily if Black Mages are capable of bleeding. The thought is quickly pushed out of my head as I watch the bruises fade into nothingness and the open cuts close themselves and disappear without so much as a scar. Now all I have to do is clean off the blood. That can wait until after I've stopped vomiting, though.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Zidane asks as he rubs my back while I watch the last of my mush splattered on the stone floor. Stupid potion didn't do anything for my stomach after all. "You're looking kind of pale."

"Just give me ten minutes in a tanning bed and I'll be fine," I reply weakly as I stand up. Man, Elena must've put more of a beating on me than I thought.

He gives me a weird look and I see that Fujin's one eye has gotten insanely large. What's the big deal? All I said was that… Crap, I mentioned something that doesn't exist on Gaia. Wonderfulness. I don't even use tanning beds. Stupid cancer in a box. Might as well be cigarettes for the whole body instead of just the lungs. I wonder if that redheaded girl who kept cussing at me in the inn smokes. She seemed like someone going through nicotine withdrawal. What am I talking about? This is the Middle Ages, Rick. There aren't any cigarettes. Everyone is still using pipes. Although, I don't recall seeing any of them. Maybe I've found a world where tobacco doesn't exist! Man, wouldn't cancer survivors love that?

Nobody says anything, so we just continue on our way. (At Freya's urging, of course. She really has a one-track mind. Geez, this whole "my people are being slaughtered thing" is really starting to lose its lustre.)

There is a battle with that Lamia thing. You know, that big ugly monster that has a flute and tiara named after it. Anyway, it doesn't last too long because Fujin and Freya make pretty fast work of it. Then comes all of that bell goodness. Zidane splits the team in half (why does he think he's the leader, anyway? Stupid Zidane.), with Fujin, Raijin, and myself making up one while the fab four that is Zidane, Vivi, Freya, and Quina is the other. And if you actually believe that they're fabulous, I'm going to hunt you down and smack you. Yes, I was enamoured with Freya and looked forward to meeting her most when I realized that I was actually living in the world of FFIX (something I am heavily reconsidering, what with the fact that half of the people traveling in this Grotto aren't supposed to be here). Meeting her was a bit of a disappointment. Aside from the whole her hating me thing, all we really had to do with each other was eating. She didn't say a word to me until after we all woke up in the dining hall.

Fujin, Raijin, and I go after the one that the Burmecian soldier has, the one on the bridge. She jumps onto the bridge by herself, while Raijin grabs me and jumps up after her. They're really strong. How they lost to Zidane and Freya is beyond me. Either one could easily take out the rat lady who hates me.

When we get up there, there's one of those zombie things up there. I'm not talking the fun George Romero types, either. That would just be another type of freaky.

"STAY!" Fujin orders as she and Raijin run at it, weapons drawn. I am not a dog. Why was I even put on this team anyway? There are only two fighters, whilst the other one has three and Quina. If you're stupid enough to call Quina a fighter, then you've obviously never seen him/her lick a stone covered with blood. Gross.

She hacks away at it with her Chakram while Raijin beats it to the ground with his battle staff. I seriously have to wonder what is going through Fujin's mind right now. Things aren't even the way they were supposed to be in the "real" world. Didn't Raijin say Fujin wasn't going to compete in the Hunt? Why did she come in second place? She can clearly outfight Freya. Unless she wanted to get near me without drawing too much attention to herself. They were announcing the scores throughout the whole thing, after all. Still haven't figured out how they tallied them, anyway.

The monster dies with a horrible squeal that wouldn't be uncommon in a theatre full of people watching a Paris Hilton movie. I'd scream like that if I had to endure more than three minutes of that skank.

"That was too easy, ya know," Raijin says unnecessarily as he waves me over to join them. They're cleaning off their weapons, which have some sort of bodily fluid on them that definitely isn't blood. Eww. "I hope that mark we have in Ascantha is a little more fun."

He gets an angry look from Fujin before she kicks him in the shin. Poor guy.

"MOVE!" she commands us as she points to where the injured Burmecian soldier is breathing rather heavily. He is holding his chest with his right hand while cradling his left appendage with his knees. Curse Elena! Why did she have to get involved in Brahne and Kuja's plans? Oh, right, because she's an evil blonde.

"Are you okay?" I ask him as I kneel next to the dying… man? Rat? I'll just go with person. Even in times of death we need to be politically correct. The only time we liberals can veer off course is in reference to a celebrity or a member of the Bush Administration. I often do both. As you should know by now.

"You don't look so good, ya know." Raijin is then kicked again by Fujin, who refers to him as a MORON (sorry, I couldn't help it) while he howls in pain. The soldier just looks at us. He's probably wondering why his last minutes have to be with an angel and his two stupid sidekicks.

"I'm not… going to make it. Please… use this," he gasps. With the last of his strength, the Burmecian reaches into his uniform and produces the bell. The pained look on his face rips me apart. It effects Raijin, too, because he isn't saying something stupid. He holds it out to me before losing consciousness. I catch the glass bell before it hits the floor and look up at my companions. Raijin looks about as sad as I feel. Fujin is back to her robotic self. Is this the real Fujin? Or was it the one from last night? I can't help but wonder.

Turning our backs on the body (there's really nothing we can do with it), Raijin scoops me up in his arms and jumps back onto the floor below. The impact makes me feel the urge to vomit again, and I do so on Raijin's shoes. Rather than getting mad and yelling, like I would have, he just rubs my back and tells me to let it all out. Ya know. (Again, sorry.) Why am I vomiting, anyway? Funerals never made me this sick. Unless it has something to do with actually being with the person when they die.

"Princess?" Zidane asks when we catch up to them at that big bell in the middle of the room. "You don't look so good."

Why isn't Fujin kicking Zidane for his moronic statement? I would do it, but I'm currently not able to stand on my own. Having two people die (or at least, one person actually dying and the other just making me think she died for a few moments) today must have sapped me physically as well as emotionally.

"He must be ill. Probably just poisoned by one of the monsters. Give him an antidote and lets move on," Freya orders with no actual concern. Why does she hate me? Why? As if I really care. Stupid rat lady.

A bottle of purple liquid is thrown and hits me in the face. Ow. I'm very seriously considering letting the MCoDs having their way with Freya. Yelling at me, insulting me, and throwing things at me… I'm starting to feel like I'm back in high school. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not in FFVIII after all. Stupid Garden with its stupid school-ness.

Grumbling random death threats, I have Raijin (who is still holding me up) help me lean down and retrieve the bottle. My vision gets a little fuzzy as I fumble for the container. Someone takes pity and hands it to me. If the wide brown spot is any indication, I think it's Vivi. Bless him and his oversized hat.

I chug it down rather quickly. Remember how much I love drinking potions? Well, this isn't nearly the same. This actually tastes like medicine, so it takes everything I have to keep from spitting it out. Gross.

There isn't a feeling of immediately getting better. In fact, I actually feel like I'm getting worse. The light (what little there is, anyway) is fading in and out. I vomit again, and after the splashing sound, I hear the voices of my friends (and Freya) gagging. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that Quina is involved…

"You again?"

I look up and see that girl from before. The one from my weird post-beating dream. She's holding a couple of daggers. There's a guy next to her with… a fan. That is so cool! I wish I had a fan. Something tells me that walking through the desert on the Forgotten Continent (that's the one with Eiko, right? Evil brat) is going to get hot. I'm going to need a way to cool myself down. Plus, imagine all of the cool Southern Belle scenarios I could re-enact.

"I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!"

The guy with the fans smacks me upside the head with it. "How do you know this guy?"

Again, Ow. Why do I keep getting hit today?

"He was asleep in the streets of Lindblum. He was also kind of drunk at the time."

"I'm right here," I say in response to the completely unfair accusations regarding my drunkenness. "You look different. Cameron, was it?"

She smacks me upside the head with the back of her hand. Why must the people I associate with in my dreams be as violent as the ones I have to live with when I'm awake? "It's Cami."

"Whatever," I respond as I look at our surroundings. We're not in Gizamaluke Grotto, but it's not Lindblum either. It's a thick wooded area, and there's no sunlight breaking through. We can only see each other because the guy with the fan, who still hasn't given me his name, is holding a lit torch. I step closer into the light and look at my nails again. Wah! My Venomously Violet polish is gone! Stupid Zidane pushing me into scummy water that probably ate it away.

"Who are you, though?" fan guy questions as he waves his fan at me in a threatening manner. I wouldn't be worried if it weren't for the fact that I know the thing actually does hurt.

"I'm Rick. Not Richard. Call me Ricky and die." Hopefully these guys will take my warning far better than Steiner. He's never called me Ricky… He still needs to die, though.

"Gotcha, Ricky," the guy laughs. I can feel the vein in my forehead throbbing. My name is NOT Ricky. "I'm Kaoru."

We all stand and stare at each other, trying to figure out just what the heck is going on. Can I just say that I have weird dreams?

"You're not from around here, are you?" Cami asks. "I can tell because you're not wearing any type of armour, and this is a pretty dangerous place. And what happened to that cute black shirt of yours? This one stinks. Did you take a bath in a sewer?"

I want to scratch her face so badly. This shirt is cute, too! My sexy painter guy (who I'm currently in limbo over) gave it to me. I can't help it if my friends aren't as mature as me.

"Oh yeah, well you look like a skanky version of Doris Day, except you're not blonde."

They look at each other. "Doris Day? Who the heck is that?"

Wonderful. My subconscious stuck me with people who have never seen _Pillow Talk_.

Kaoru smacks me with the fan again. "Don't be stupid."

Then my head starts to feel all floaty. Cami pokes Kaoru in the side and points at my arm. "See, it's happening again. Like I told you."

Following their glances, I see that my yellow Materia is all lit up again. My head hurt last time this happened. Why isn't it doing that now? Maybe that had to do more with being injured beforehand. Stupid Steiner.

My vision gets all cloudy again and the world gets dark.

When the light comes back, I'm lying in a bed. There's soft sunlight falling onto my face, which is pleasantly warm. I sit up, but the effort takes all of my strength so all I really end up doing is lying higher on the pillows.

There's someone sitting on my bed. She has long brown hair that falls around her shoulders. There's a plait in her hair with a yellow Materia (which makes me suspicious). The most curious thing of all is that she's in a white dress. She looks incredibly familiar. And I don't just mean in the way that those two idiots from my dream did.

"Good morning, Rick," she says with a voice like a whisper. "I'm glad to see that you're getting better. Cl… The king was incredibly worried about you."

Huh? Where am I? Where are my friends? Someone tell me what the heck is going on.

"I know you're probably wondering about your traveling companions. Well, they're out on that hunt they came here for. They should be back in a couple of days. You should be fine, my son."

Son? Where the heck am I? Who is this woman? Is the one that left me my Materia? That would explain why she has one.

"I'm sure you have plenty of questions. I'll answer them while I can…"

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A/N: Well, another weird chapter. Don't you love the randomness of this fic? You all know Cami (I should hope) from Tabansi232's fic FUR. Kaoru is the creation of animesage. He is from the hilarious Tales of Symphonia fic "The Fox Meets Sylvarant."

As for next chapter, you finally have (most of) your questions answered concerning Rick's past on Gaia, why he's switched worlds, and the reason behind why all of the world changers have that particular colour of Materia equipped.


	19. Like Sands through the Hourglass

Chapter 19: Like Sands through the Hourglass

A/N: Big, serious weirdness in this chapter. I'm talking weirder than Tessa finding out she's actually Fujin. (A reference to my R&R fics to those who have read them.) Plus, you find out why the cameos are in this fic. Yeah, big changes in the plot. This is probably the one chapter I have been looking forward to writing the most.

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Okay, let's recap briefly. Somehow, I'm in FFIX, but it's not the one that I've played. There could be an angry and (definitely not naturally) blonde Turk running around with a serious grudge against me, unless her body disappeared in a style very reminiscent of Resident Evil. I'm dreaming of people that I don't know and haven't seen before despite the fact that somehow or other I have the feeling that I (should) know them. Now I also have to deal with the mysterious woman in the white dress that addressed me as "son." What could very well be the most unbelievable thing is that I, Rick, actually have a hot and sexy beast of man who is probably twice my age.

It's been an interesting ride.

"Who the heck are you?" I ask the woman. Those eyes look so familiar. Like I've seen them up close or something. "Where am I?"

"You're in Ascantha." That place from DQVIII with the king with the dead wife? The place Minister Croft said we should go when we got out of Gizamaluke Grotto? That must mean I missed the fight with the big bad boss guy, but I'm not going to Burmecia, either. Well, that just means that Beatrix won't be beating the crap out of me. "Your friends Raijin and Fujin came with you. I must say that I'm quite surprised to have found you in the company of another Drifter."

"Drifter?" Is she talking about the fact that Raijin and Fujin don't have any loyalties to any particular kingdom? Or does she mean… This couldn't be _that_ woman in a white dress.

"I know all about you and Fujin. I'm the one that brought you into this world. You're home because of me," she answers. This doesn't make sense. I'm not at home. I'm in Ascantha. My home is back on Earth. "The thing is, you were born in this castle, on this planet. Yes, you were raised on Earth, but this is you home world."

"Um, what the heck are you talking about? How do you know I'm from another world? How do you know about Earth? Just who the heck are you?" I say as loudly as I can without having to shout. She takes a hold of my wrist and removes the Vanguard.

"You almost died because of this," she says in an attempt to avoid answering my question. "They brought in the top White Mage in the kingdom to heal you. You were unconscious for three days. You're only alive because the king (she sighs sadly at this before selling sea shells by the sea shore. Sorry…) decided to use the last of his elixir on you. It was supposed to save my life, but…"

Am I sitting here with a ghost? What the heck is going on? Playing the clueless moron is really starting to get old. It's official, I've gone crazy. Loco. Nuts. Sinead O'Connor.

"Anyway, Rick, my child. You may not remember me. I don't have any memories of you myself, but do you have any of me at all? Running around the castle in diapers, playing with the servants children while your father and I entertained nobles, or even my funeral?"

Images of my younger self in my backyard at home with the neighbour children flash through my mind. Then the trees and grass fade away, replaced by tapestries and cold grey stone. The faces of my childhood friends disappear and I see a little girl with red hair hitting a little boy with grey hair. Despite this, I don't say anything. These can't be real memories. It's just my mind trying to cope with the expectations that she has for me.

"I wouldn't expect you to. I can't even remember it myself, since I wasn't here for any of that. But what about this? Do you remember a girl being impaled on the sword of a warrior named Sephiroth?"

"Aerith?" I'm not sure if I should say that or Aeris. Stupid mistranslations.

"The one and only," she answers sadly. "I'm not surprised you know of me. I knew who you are, after all. You're Rick. You were a side character on a TV show back in my… I mean, the world I grew up and died in. This is my world, our world now."

What is she going on about? Is she saying that I was born on Gaia, but somehow or other grew up on Earth? That cannot be true. That can't be true. I'm not some videogame character. I'm not! My home is in Hellhole, with my idiotic and perverted brother, my parents who fight with me over my clothes and doing chores, my sister and her two kids. Then there's my baby. My poor little dog with the bladder problems. Right now, someone else is holding her, hugging and comforting her after my parents yell at her for watering the plastic plants. No. This isn't happening. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't care about Zidane, Michael, or any of this stuff. I want to go home! I want my boring life with my redneck family, and for all of this to just be a dream. No. No. No. No. No. No.

"I know it hurts," she says when the first tears start to trickle down my face. "When I first came here, I was alone, too. I missed my mother, and my friends. Even Tseng. It hurts, but you'll get over it."

"Nobody brought you here!" I accuse with a pointed finger. "You just showed up because you died or something like that. There was no reason to involve me and the others. Do you even know how many lives you've wrecked with your thoughtlessness? Hermione is trying to find a way back to Hogwarts. Fujin's been here for three years. Three years! What gives you the right to decide whether or not we should be 'returned' to Gaia. We were all happy back home. Happy!"

She looks a little hurt, but it also looks as if she'd been expecting my outburst.

"Are you really sure you were happy, Rick? Didn't feel like you didn't belong? Have you felt that way here? Haven't the people of this world accepted your differences as minor quirks? I brought you here because it would've been irresponsible to do otherwise. Isn't it better for people to know what's going on? You're supposed to tell your best friend that her husband is cheating on her. Aren't you? And shouldn't your neighbour know that her kids are huffing paint in her garage?

"I didn't do this to hurt you. It's unknown how much stress was placed on the worlds for anomalies like us to exist. That's why you're here. That's why you're home. You don't even know the pain I've had to endure. The Aerith that lived this life is dead. I'm supposed to be dead. There wasn't anyone that I could confide in, because they weren't supposed to know that, somehow or other, I am alive. Yes, Fujin has been here for three years. But she has Raijin. It may not be the Raijin that she knew, but she still has him. You have Zidane and the others. Hermione has Lilka. Hotaru…"

She stops at that name. I want to ask her about it, but something in my head tells me not to.

"Hotaru was the first person I brought here. He was living in a world where people were being systematically wiped out by other people over genetic anomalies. He possessed one. When he came to Gaia, he felt free to be away from that oppression. After traveling around with me for a few months, we were in Gizamaluke Grotto. There's a little alcove behind a door with a bell on it. A little ladder of vines led out of it. It was late and he wanted to sleep under the stars, something he'd never been able to do in his old life. We climbed it and…"

Again she trails off. She doesn't have to tell me what happened. I've played this game, and I know what's up those vines.

"How long ago was that?" I ask her. Fujin's been here for three years, and she wasn't even the first person that Aerith has brought here.

"About six years. I've only brought three people here after that. You, Fujin, and Hermione. There's something about this world that makes it easier for people to travel between the worlds. I don't know what causes it initially, but this," she removes the plate form her hair and touches the yellow Materia on it. "This is Sense Materia. It is incredibly rare on Gaia. For most people, it's useless. For Drifters, like us, it acts as an anchor to keep us in this world. The Rick that lived your life here, I sent him home by having him just touch it."

So that was the shock I felt when I touched the doorknob back at my, _his_ house? This is all making a sick kind of sense. On the one hand, she is right. I have a life here that I never could've back home. There's Michael. I can have a relationship without social stigma. I have friends like Alma and Vivi. Then there's Zidane. It never seemed possible for me to like him as much as I do now, not when I thought this was all just a videogame. However, on the other, I can't think about what I've left behind. My family, while always stabbing each other in the back and rednecking it up, would defend me from even the most vicious of outsiders. I'll never again see my nieces: the four-year-old that says she wants to grow up to be me, or the two-year-old who was just starting to learn about the world around her. And my poor baby. That probably hurts the most. I'll never again see my little pooch. We've been together since she was six weeks old and I was three. She was my best friend on the days I felt I didn't have any. Who cares if she peed all over my pink T-shirt that read "Your Boyfriend Thinks I'm Sexy"?

"Would it hurt for me to go back to my old life? The one that I never really was a part of?" I ask despite knowing the answer.

"It doesn't work that way," Aerith answers as she puts her plait back in. "It's incredibly difficult to travel between the worlds. There are millions upon millions of them. They're not all aligned in a straight line, and they're not completely separated from each other, either. Each world overlaps hundreds, maybe even thousands of others. They can't be separated, otherwise we'd never know anything about them. Every movie, TV show, book, or , yes, even videogame is a complete world in its own right. I know you think this is the world that is known as Final Fantasy X where you grew up."

"It's Final Fantasy IX, actually," I correct to a dirty look. What? I can't correct her?

"Anyway, you think this is that videogame. It is, but at the same time, it isn't. This world overlaps that one rather heavily, but it also is in direct contact with dozens of others. Haven't things seemed out of place to you? People that shouldn't be here? Events that shouldn't have happened? That's because this isn't that world."

For some reason, I'm reminded of my dream from right after Steiner knocked me out in Lindblum Castle. Everything looked right, but it was wrong at the same time. Could all of this mumbo jumbo about me being from this world be why that Lindblum seemed so… inappropriate? But why did that Cami girl, and even her friend Kaoru, seem so familiar? Are they Drifters as well? People who aren't in the world they should be? Do they belong in this world, or another world entirely that I don't even know about? And every time "dreamt" about her, it was suddenly interrupted by my Sense Materia glowing and me waking up back here. Was I not dreaming at all? Could it be possible that somehow or other, Aerith is right about this little yellow stone? That it is anchoring me here? Now it seems quite likely that I wasn't dreaming at all and that I actually was in another world. That doesn't explain why I seemed to know them despite the fact that we never met.

This is all so complicated. Why couldn't this just be a case of my Playstation thought I was unhappy in life and decided to bring into a videogame to cheer me up, and the only way to get back home was to play it all the way through? That seems so much simpler.

"Rick, are you okay?" Aerith asks as she takes my hand. "I know that this is a lot to absorb all at once, but there is more. In fact, you're the first of the other Drifters I've even made contact with like this. Hermione and Fujin received their Materia much in the same you did. I just couldn't keep the distance from you that I could them because…"

I really wish she would stop with the dramatic pauses.

"Rick. I was the Queen of Ascantha in this world. And you, you were my son. Apparently, your father and I raised you until you were seven and I got sick. Your father went in search of the legendary elixir to save my life, but while he was gone I died. It's been ten years since the Aerith that raised you died, and it's been ten years since I've been in this world. (A/N: Cookies to whomever can tell me the significance of the ten years. C'mon, it isn't hard!)"

"Who… who is my father?" I ask despite the fact that I think I already know. Minister Croft had a friend who thought he recognized me from the ball. She asked me if I'd ever been to Ascantha. At the ball, I saw here dancing with a man with spiky blonde hair.

"Rick, your father is Cloud Strife. You're in Ascantha right now, recovering from a serious illness, saved only by the elixir that was supposed to help me. He's moved on from my life, though. He's remarried to _her_."

When she says that one word, I know who it is. It isn't sad maliciously, or even regretfully. It's just as thought it were a fact that nobody should be surprised by. I know I'm not.

"He married Tifa, didn't he?"

"Yes. He married her when you were eleven. I'd been dead for four years. He'd done his grieving and decided that you needed a proper mother. You guys were happy. I would watch the public events from the streets. That's how I saw you grow up, my son."

At this she caresses my cheek in a motherly way and I want to cry again. This has been so unfair to everybody. All of our lives have been torn apart by it, and all she wanted to do was try to fix things.

"When the other Rick, the Rick that wasn't meant to be here saw you… how did he react?" I ask curiously despite the fact that I'm aware it's none of my business. "It isn't everyday that someone runs into his dead mother."

She looks guilty at this. "Despite the fact that I wasn't here for him, or you, I still couldn't face him. I snuck up on him during his nightly rounds at Alexandria Castle and tapped the back of his neck with my Materia. That's why you woke up here when you did."

"So the fact that it was at the beginning of what the game is…"

"A complete coincidence," she admits with a smile.

A lot of my questions have been answered, but there's still one thing bugging me. They couldn't have known I was a prince in Alexandria, because there's no way that Steiner would've treated me like this if they had. (I'd love to see his face when he finds out that my "whore of a mother" is actually the late queen of Ascantha).

I ask Aerith about this, but she looks just as perplexed as I feel.

"I couldn't tell you. I was off working on Fujin when you ran away three years ago. Nobody has been allowed to talk about you in Ascantha, and I didn't exactly have the courage to ask the Rick that actually did the running away. Cloud hasn't even seen you yet, from what I know. All they will say is that someone resembling the missing prince was brought into the castle unconscious. He must not want to get his hopes up."

So, instead of my loving but redneck parents, I have an emotionally distant blonde for a father and a woman famous for her big boobs for a stepmother. I mean, come on. I watched Advent Children. I saw the nipples in Tifa's outfit after the fight scene in the church. You do have to give me some credit.

Are my new parents going to accept the new me, though? Are my old parents happier with the change of Rick? They just think it's a positive change in attitude, when he's really feeling even more lost than I do now. At least now there's a chance that my mom, my old mom, will have someone to do the dishes. I should've done the dishes for her one last time before leaving forever. My last memories will be of her yelling at me because I was too lazy to get off my butt and wash some pots and pans.

I really miss my life on Earth. Knowing that I'll never be able to go back doesn't make things seem like as much fun as they had.

Thanks to Aerith, my… mother, I'm here for good it seems. There isn't any going back. I really will never again see my friends or family. Or have to step in random puddles of dog pee. I'll think I'll miss my little urine machine the most. What with us having grown up together and all.

"I have to go," she says suddenly as she perks up. "Someone's coming."

Before I can say another word, she plants a kiss on my head and jumps out of my window. Please let me be on the first floor. I'd hate to have my, erm, mother splattered across the front lawn. Will ever get used to the idea of Aerith as my mother? More importantly, do castles have front lawns? It would suck if they did. Could you imagine the landscaping bill?

"Are you awake?" a meek voice asks with a knock on an opening door. I don't know why the person entering bothered to knock if they were planning on coming in anyway. Must be one of those polite things I've heard so much about.

"Yeah," I manage to croak as I attempt to wipe away any signs that I had been crying. There's time to ruminate on my ruined life later. Actually, no, I don't want to think about it. I just want to go back to the way things were before. I want some fun to keep my mind off the fact that I'm in a videogame. No, not a videogame, but a whole other world that I don't know anything about anymore. All this and my nails really have been ruined. Stupid Zidane is going to pay my next manicure bill.

In pops a redhead with a body one could only describe as Va-Va-Voom. On top of all the crap I just dumped on my shoulders, I now have to deal with Jessica from DQVIII. The last thing I need is a violent redhead with a smart mouth. (A/N: Hey! That actually sounds familiar in a whole other way…)

"Rick," she asks quietly as she beside me on the bed. "Is it really you, Rick?"

What do I say? Should I lie or tell the truth? Aerith really should've given me some pointer before jumping out of the frickin' window.

"Yeah," I answer as I look her in the eyes. "It's me."

She smiles and her eyes light up momentarily. Then she smacks me upside the head with extreme roughness. "You idiot! Why did you run away? Angelo and I were worried sick about you! Not mention your poor father and mother."

She continues to pummel mercilessly, offering only enough time between blows for me to yelp from the pain. I really am getting tired of people beating me up.

After a few minutes, she lets up and wipes her brow. Then tears form in the corners of her eyes and she pulls me into a hug. I would hug her back, but seeing as how she just beat the crap out of me I'm not exactly in the mood for it and my arms are too sore to be lifted that high.

"You have no idea how much we missed you," she says as she squeezes me so tightly that it's painful. I honestly couldn't tell you if that was intentional or not. "Are you feeling okay? Does anything hurt?"

She seriously did not ask me that.

Jessica holds her hands out and cast a Cura spell on me. I guess Heal isn't exactly an option in a Final Fantasy-esque world. Goodie.

"Your dad wants to see you. He wants to make sure that the rumours are actually true. He couldn't bring himself to see you in case you weren't, you know, you." Girlfriend, you have no idea.

"Could you help me up?" I ask her. I mean, all of the pain from the illness and subsequent beating is gone, but I am still a little tired.

I get slapped upside the head again, but just once. Someone's exercising self-control, I see. "You run off without a word, and then you ask me for help. I don't care if you are a freaking Prince. You really hurt me, and Angelo's been a wreck. He's been in the Alley ever since you left."

Mood swings? Excuse my terrible male thinking, but I think someone may have PMS. Unless this Rick really was that big of a jerk. Hah! At least he's getting his karma. Let's see just how well he deals with the football after team after learning of my "reputation." That'll make Jessica's beating seem like, well, Jessica's beating is actually worse than any the football team gave me. Besides, that Rick was also a knight. Stupid other Rick person.

Despite her initial protest, Jessica helps me up. Then I catch sight of myself in a nearby mirror and almost fall back to the floor. Almost. This isn't Lindblum, after all. Or Dali. Or the Ice Cavern.

I am wearing the most wretched outfit I have ever seen. The shirt is white and puffy like a pirate, with a mauve vest over it. Then there's the pants, which are even puffier than the shirt, if you'll believe it. Plus, they're red! Red does NOT go with mauve. I want to stop and kill myself already, but things are even worse. I'm wearing wooden shoes with the toes turned up. Like a genie's. I feel like I should be running around with Aladdin. Someone please shoot me. Please. I'm begging of you. I would rather be going through all of the "you're my son and those redneck morons aren't really related to you" Aerith crap again. At least there isn't a hat with a feather. But, somehow, I do still have that big blue spot on the side of my head. Doesn't it figure that falling into a marsh that eats away fingernail polish TWICE and (presumably) being cleaned by the royal cleaning people will not remove oil-based paint from the side of my head. At least I still have acne. How, I don't know. You'd have thought I'd be looking like a road full of potholes, what with all of the blood and gore I've had thrown all over my face. Maybe I'm just lucky like that. Or it's fate's way of making up for the clothes. Oh, how I loathe these clothes.

"Let's go," she orders as she grabs me by the ear and then proceeds to drag me out of the room. She doesn't even stop to let me stretch. It's just either keeping up with her or extreme pain. And seeing as how I'm still exhausted…

Yeah, lot's of pain. I'm almost screaming as loudly as this shirt.

We end up in what is supposed to be the throne room, I guess. There are the two big thrones sitting in all of their royal splendour, with Cloud and Tifa sitting in them with their hands clasped together. Actually, it looks more like she's holding him than a mutual thing. Marital problems? Somehow, I imagine that if there are any, then it's probably my fault. Stupid world traveling. You'd think being a Drifter might be more fun than this. I guess some people might think that standing in front of Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart (at least, I don't she took his name) and learning that they're your parents might be fun. Heck, I probably would have. Doing it now, though, it isn't nearly as much fun as people would think it should be. Having to look them in the eyes and answer for someone else's decisions isn't fun. Especially when you don't know what their decisions were or the motives behind them.

I really hate these clothes.

"Rick, is it really you?" Tifa asks hopefully. "Are you really my son?"

Stepson, actually, but I'm not going to tell her that. Cloud's Buster Sword is hanging up on the wall behind them, and I really don't want that sticking out of my chest. Pain hurts.

"Jessica, you are dismissed." Cloud waves his hand over our heads and the violent redhead leaves the room, closing the big wooden doors behind her. I look away from the doors and back to Cloud and Tifa, only to find myself caught up in another hug. (With no accompanying punches, thank you very much.)

Tifa continues to hold onto me, and I can hear her sobs in my ear. She must have really cared for me. Or the other Rick. All I know is that it really feels good to be held as though you're the most important thing in the world. I haven't been held like that since the morning I woke up in Michael's arms. Or that afternoon we went to Dali, when Zidane caught me just before I fell off the cliff.

"You are my son." It's not a question. Cloud can tell who I am, despite the fact that I'm not really who he thinks I am, even though I am. Now I want some green eggs and ham.

"Um, hi daddy. Did you miss me?"

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A/N: Yay! We now know what the heck is going on with Rick, for the most part. So, Tabansi, do you still think you're winning? (Yes, Cami being sexually assaulted is awful, but I could always get worse. Elena could always forcibly impregnate herself with Rick's baby.)

The next chapter should, hopefully, be longer. We'll wrap up Rick's talk with Cloud and Tifa (don't exactly know where that's going, yet), Jessica will hit him some more, and then we'll meet… Rick's ex! Ooh, yes, it's going to be an interesting chapter.


	20. Angelo in Waiting

Chapter 20: Angel(o) in Waiting

A/N: It's nice to see just how much Rick's paternity has been appreciated. I was so concerned that people might start chanting "Mary Sue! Mary Sue!" and begin demanding my head. A note, though, Rick's whole acne speech at the end of Chapter 19 should've been about him NOT having acne. (A key word got left out somehow.)

Anyway, the chapter: we've already done the one about how Rick got to Gaia. Now you're going to learn just what the other Rick was doing and why he ran away from the castle.

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Cloud looks at me for a long time without answering my question. Tifa lets go of me and looks at her husband. "Answer our son."

True to Cloud form, he doesn't smile despite the fact that his answer is happy. "Of course I missed you. You're my only child."

There's no hugging, though. That's definitely not Cloud-like. I do have a question. All these years (well, at least since AC) I've been thinking of how hot the blonde is and all the things I'd do to him if given the chance, and now I know that he's my father. Does that make me a reverse pedophile? Learning about your paternity is very disturbing. Now all of those thoughts need to be banished from my mind. BIG TIME. Eww.

"Rick," Cloud (I'm sorry, I just can't call him my father) continues. Wonderful. Here it comes. "Why did you leave? I thought that you were happy here."

I hate this. Why couldn't Aerith tell me what this moron that called himself Rick was thinking when he left? Oh, right, she didn't know. Crap. Now I have to make something up. Lying isn't really one of my strong suits.

"I was, erm, am happy. It's just that I had to join a small but dedicated resistance group in order to bring down an evil corporation while saving the world from an equally evil yet incredibly hot swordsman."

Tifa finally sits back down, and the loss of someone being by me is very evident.

"Did you really think getting married is the something that you can't enjoy?" Tifa asks.

"What?" I shout at the top of my lungs. Me? Married? That can't happen. No way. Never. Who would want to marry me anyway? Michael? Maybe. But that's it. This is probably an arranged thing. For all I know, I could be engaged to Dagger. No, that's not right. She's supposed to marry Seifer. Yet another thing I can't believe. My head very badly needs to be examined. This whole being born on Gaia and being Cloud and Aerith's son (not to mention Tifa's stepson) is crazy. I don't even totally believe it. Just as I'm getting used to the idea that I might actually be living within the confines of a videogame world, all of that is turned upside down. And now I find out that I'm either married or supposed to get married. I would pinch myself, but I already know I can feel pain. Stupid violent women.

Where did that come from, anyway? I was certain that my explanation for being gone was entirely plausible. It worked for them.

"Did you really expect me to believe all of that swordsman nonsense? Nothing like that would ever happen," Cloud chastises. Yeah… Right.

"Rick, we know you left because you felt that you weren't ready for marriage. And you were right. During the years you were gone, we realized that we pressured you too soon. Now that you're back, we hope that you've grown up enough to actually consider the responsibilities you've inherited through your royal blood," Tifa says, clearly trying to impress something upon me without using a lot of force.

There's a knock at the door. Those big wooden ones that Jessica left through earlier. I turn around and see that redheaded woman lean in. She doesn't look happy about interrupting us.

"Yes?" Cloud asks. "What is it?"

"Your Highness, that person you summoned has arrived."

Person? Summoned? Why would he call for someone when he's talking to me? Unless…

"Send her in."

Jessica ducks back out of sight and there's a long and evil laugh. My spine tingles and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I know that laugh. It hasn't been that long since I've seen the anime.

The angry young redhead, looking incredibly pitiful and angry, steps back into the throne room and bows. "Now presenting the noble maiden Kodachi of the House of Kuno."

A storm of black rose petals flies into the room as a young woman somersaults through the door. She leaps into the air, lands on one hand, and then cartwheels across the floor until she's right beside me. I give it a 9.5 out 10.

"Richard, my darling, you remember me?" the crazed gymnast asks as she traces my lips with her finger. Unfortunately, I do remember her. Kodachi Kuno was easily the most insane of Ranma's suitors. And that's saying something when you put her up against the likes of her brother and Shampoo.

"My name is Rick, not Richard," I correct.

Wait a minute. Did she just refer to me as her darling? Tifa just was just talking about me getting married, and then this nut case shows up. It couldn't mean what I think it means. At least, I hope it doesn't. Let it be a coincidence.

"But of course!" Kodachi coos as she wraps herself around me. "But as your fiancée, I must insist that you remove this blue spot from the side your head."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't be engaged to Kodachi! This is madness, insanity. That's what this is. I'm not really a character from a pseudo-videogame world. I'm just a boy who played too many videogames and read too much manga and now my brain has literally turned to mush. All of Aerith's crap is nonsense. I'm just crazy, loco, and crackers.

"You'll never leave me again, darling," she assures me rather dangerously. "If you try to leave, I'll simply have to hunt you down. There is no escape from love." (A/N: And that's no exaggeration.)

Cloud and Tifa just look at each other happily as I attempt to pry the woman off me. She really is as needy and clingy as one would expect. Hitting her doesn't really do much to persuade her, either. Just thought I'd let you know in case an insane woman with a history of martial arts is engaged to you.

"Hohohoho, we'll be so happy!" Kodachi exclaims happily as she offers me a cup of tea. Come on, I'm not a novice. I know what accepting something she has to offer gets you.

"Um, I'm not thirsty," I reply as I take the opportunity to tell Cloud and Tifa that I'm still tired and need my rest. Then I make a break for it and slam the door behind me. Okay, I thought that Elena and Kuja were evil, but this is ridiculous. Why did I have to be engaged to the most insane of Ranma ½'s regular cast? Even her idiotic brother would've been better. At least he doesn't poison people.

Stupid Gaia.

"So, is his royal highness really that tired?" Jessica asks before kicking my leg in a very Fujin-like fashion. Now that I know what Raijin feels whenever his friend strikes him… meh, he still deserves it. BUT I DON'T!

"Why do you keep hitting me?" I whine as I rub my sore leg. Why do women hurt me?

"No matter how many times I hurt you, it won't hurt as much as it did when you left us behind without so much as a word as to why or where you were going," she cries desperately before smacking my face. Ow.

As I rub my cheek, I think about just what kind of relationship that other Rick had with this girl. Were they lovers? No, that can't be it, because then she wouldn't have said us. Unless I'm a father to an illegitimate child. No, that's not it. Things are way too weird as it is. There's no way I'd have abandoned a child. Even if it wasn't technically me. I really wish I knew what the heck was going on before I woke up in Alexandra Castle all that time ago. How long ago was it, anyway? Despite the fact that I haven't been that long, it's starting to feel more and more like I've been here for a lifetime.

Like I've known these people all of my life, despite the fact that my brother only bought this game four years ago, or that the person I've become, always have been, has only met some of these people in the last few days. The ones like Vivi, Freya, and… Zidane. I'm even starting to act like I've been with Michael for a long time, despite the fact that we haven't done anything more than kiss. Is all of this simply because Aerith said that I'm from this game and I'm subconsciously trying to compensate for any time I may have missed, or am I just really becoming that connected to everybody? I really wish that I'd just done the dishes.

"Are you listening to me?" Jessica shouts as she kicks me again. This time I'm relegated to jumping on my good leg while holding the injured one. "You're not going to just walk out on me again. We're friends after all. Now come with me. We're going to go see him."

"See who?" I ask innocently.

Apparently, it was the wrong thing to ask. Jessica dropkicks me into the wall at that. Excuse me, but am I not royalty? You aren't supposed to treat a Prince like that.

"Don't even bother acting like you've forgotten," she sighs after helping me up. "I know it's been three years since you left. Some of us have adjusted better than others. Much of the kingdom had grown to never expect you to return. Even I'd given up hope. But he waited longer than the rest of us. About six months ago, he finally gave up and left the castle. He's at the Abbey. It's on the little island just down the way. We have to cross a lake to get there, but you owe him this if nothing else."

Bossy much?

I really wish that I were in Burmecia right now. Then I wouldn't have to be doing all of this crap. Shouldn't these random sidequest things be optional? I'm pretty sure they are. This is something I'm going to have smack Aerith down for. Rick doesn't like to be confused.

Jessica convinces Cloud and Tifa to let me leave the castle. They're understandably reluctant, but agree on one condition: that we take Kodachi with us. It's loads of fun. Especially when, as soon as we round a bend that puts the castle out of eyesight, Jessica whacks the clingy fiancée thing of mine over the head with a staff and stashes her unconscious body behind a tree. I'm actually starting to like this psychotically violent girl. Starting to.

We do get attacked by a few monsters. Luckily, Jessica is the same as she was in her respective game. They ignite into flames, and when that doesn't happen she beats them in a much more violent manner than she did Kodachi or me.

"That was fun," she says after another nameless monster is turned into ash. "So, what have you been up to all these years?"

I shield myself should she decide to hurt me. Luckily, that doesn't happen. She actually has a smile on her face. A genuine smile. I didn't think that was possible. All she ever had on her face during the game was either a scowl or a sardonic grin. Now she's smiling at me as though I'm a long lost friend who's returned. Which I guess I kind of am.

"Um… I traveled for a year or so, and eventually I became a knight of Alexandra," I lie nervously. This whole thing is really confusing and annoying.

"Did it hurt you that much? When you realized that you two couldn't be together? I figured you guys knew anyway. Of course, men have to be stupid and care about nothing more than getting laid. At first he thought you were just hiding because he'd been too rough that night or something even more…"

The rest of her sentence goes by unnoticed. Did I just hear right? I actually had sex! Of course, the one time I actually do it, I'm not there for it. Stupid Michael. He should have just taken charge instead of being so wishy-washy.

"So…" I ask cautiously. This something that's been bothering me. Jessica's been saying 'he' and 'him' this whole time, so I really have no idea who she's talking about. I'm supposed to know whom she's talking about, though. We did have sex, after all. Man, I wish I'd been there for that. Nothing is hotter than sex. Except maybe Michael. Wait! Sex with Michael! Man, I wish we'd had sex. Who cares if I'm on the fence about how I feel for the guy? You can tell he's good in the sack by just looking at him. "Who is it we're going to see again?"

I'm waiting to be kicked again, but instead she karate chops me in the neck. She glares angrily at me as I struggle to breathe. With friends like this, who needs Elena?

"Don't even joke about Angelo. You don't get to, not after the crap you pulled."

A-Angelo? As in THE Angelo? And I'm not talking about Rinoa's dog. This can only be the Angelo from Dragon Quest VIII. Friends with Jessica. Lives in an abbey. The signs are all there. Oh man, this isn't good. Why is it always me with some flirt? First Zidane, then Michael, and now Angelo. Well, Michael doesn't really count. He only flirts with me. But the other two… Well, I just want to know who's next. Irvine? Balthier? Edgar? Well, I wouldn't mind me a little sky pirate love. But that's it, I swear!

Man. I can't believe I had SEX with ANGELO. Really wish that I'd been there. Yet another thing to go off on Aerith about the next time I see her. If I ever see her again. There hasn't been a mother this worthless since Nancy Reagan. Yes, I just went there.

"Geez," I gasp as my rub my neck. Really wishing that Kodachi were here right now. She may be crazy, violent, and obsessed with me, but… Actually, no, I'm still happy she's gone. Really, I'm surprised she went down so easily. I guess she's more sheltered in this world than she was in that of the Ranma manga.

We continue walking in silence. Mostly because it hurts for me to talk. Psychotic women. Boy, am I glad Zidane's the one I'm after and not Dagger.

…Um, nobody heard that. Right?

The Alley is huge, when we do reach it. It's a huge stone cathedral that practically takes up the entire island. And you can tell that there's a courtyard within the bigger building that houses another large building (methinks the housing of the Templars), and beyond the large island is a much smaller one with a much smaller building. This is probably the lodging for the Abbott. Let's hope he doesn't die while I'm here. That would suck on so many levels.

Getting the Abbey will be a bit of a problem, though. Jessica said that we needed to cross a lake to get there, and she wasn't kidding. The thing is… there's no bridge. How the heck am I supposed to get there if there isn't any way to get there? Now I'm going to get hit again. And it's not even my fault!

"What are you waiting for?" Jessica asks as she grabs my hand and drags me to the shore. "We're going to miss the ferry."

There's a ferry? Where the heck is it? And why hasn't there been any Mist? Maybe I'm in a pocket dimension or something. This is so confusing.

She drags me along the water and I see a small boat with a rather attractive young man at the helm. He's not someone I know, or even someone who looks familiar, so he can't be someone from another medium I don't recognize. I'm not going to complain. He may not be Michael, but he is pretty easy on the eyes if you know what I mean.

"Howdy, Jessica," he greets when he sees us. "You here to see Angelo, again?"

"Yeah," she answers before all but throwing me into the guy's little boat. "This is Rick. He's coming with me today."

"If you say so." He shrugs and they both climb into the little dingy. It doesn't seem like it would be big enough to hold three people, but somehow we don't tip over.

I learn that his name is Gary and that he's been the official ferryman of Maella Abbey (yes, it's still called that) for five years, ever since he was fifteen.

"Oh, so you're twenty," I say as I looked him over. Who knew that sailing a ferry would keep you in such good condition? "Tell me, do you meet many interesting people?"

"A few," he says with a wink. This is encouraging.

"Well, I've met a fair few myself," I coo. "So, how well do you think we'll get to know each other?"

All of a sudden, my face is thrust over the edge of the boat and into the water where it's held. My lungs feel ready to explode by the time I'm let back up to breathe. Three guesses as to how that happen.

"If you don't stop flirting, you're going to go overboard entirely!" Jessica shouts before smashing my face back into the water.

Gary isn't so interested in talking to me after I resurface, except to quietly ask where I got the blue spot from. (Is this thing ever going to come out?) He does give me an encouraging smile, though. Gaia is a very interesting place. I did everything I could to try to get a man on Earth, and not a one wanted me. Now I'm here, and they're just falling at my feet. Plus, I now have a great new pickup line: "So, how'd you like to date a real Prince?"

When we get to the first island, I move to step off and slip because the floor is wet (from where Jessica tried to drown me). Somehow I end up falling face-first into about a foot of water.

Jessica waves goodbye to me before yelling at Gary to start rowing. When I ask what the heck she's doing, she responds by telling me that this is something I need to repair on my own. Unbelievable. She drags me all the way out here and then ditches me. On top of that, I'm also wet and cold. Stupid water. I really need to change clothes, too. While it somehow retains its putrid puffiness, my outfit feels like it weighs twice as much wet, and it wasn't exactly the lightest thing to begin. Why do I always fall into things? First the poo, then the paint, and now this. The marsh really doesn't count, since Zidane pushed me in, but… Well, I need to get something to help me stay balanced.

There is a large assortment of people running around on the island. I recognize the Templars by the swords at their sides, and the priests have those big Pope hat things. However, I'm approached by one of the monks. He's a short little guy dressed in a glorified burlap bag with a small hat to cover his bald head. He also has one of those creepy smiles that uber-religious people tend to wear. You know, the one where they manage to show all of their teeth. Creepy.

"How may I help you, young man?" he asks while trying to make contact. That's something I'm really trying to avoid doing. His pupils are huge, like he's on LSD or something. Maybe they're drinking that special tea that gets you high I heard about back on Earth. Nah. They don't do drugs on Gaia. They have too much fun drinking.

"Um," I mutter as I REALLY try to avoid catching his eye. I swear, those things must be dilated. "Do you know who Angelo is? I think he's a Templar. They're the guys with the swords, right?"

That creepy smile flickers for an instant so brief that most people would've missed it. I'm not fooled, though. I was raised by rednecks, and if there's anything they can do it's read a poker face. This guy doesn't like Angelo. Why am I not surprised?

"Yes, of course, follow me," the little man states with another bow. Um, why is he bowing? I knew the Japanese created Gaia, but this is ridi… Oh, right, they didn't create it. Sometimes I forget that this isn't all a videogame that I AM LIVING IN because my MOTHER IS AERITH who just decided that I should be here at her side despite the fact that she knows nothing about me other than what she… saw… on that TV show. Hold on a minute. I have a TV show? I'm a television character? I always knew the camera loved me. My face is just too photogenic for it not to.

The monk sets off on a pace that I can barely keep up with on my substantially bigger legs. Jogging is the slowest way for me to keep up with him. Isn't there a law of physics or something that states that short people are supposed to be slow? Well, I'll admit that I'm a little on the short side, but come on! This guy only comes up to my waist! I'm starting to feel like I'm not measuring up. And that pun was totally intentional.

Having played (and actually beaten) the only Dragon Quest game on the PS2 (A/N: the next generation of DQ games really has me excited about Nintendo for the first time since the Tales series finally made it over to America), I guess you could say that I have some preconceived notions on just what the interior of the Abbey will look like. You know, drab stone and statues of some nameless goddess everywhere. The reality of it is quite different. There are large tapestries hanging from the ceiling, each with a different depiction of a blonde woman. The one by the entrance door has said blonde woman locked in combat with another crueller, more evil looking blonde lady. Both women look eerily familiar.

The monk asks me to wait by the door. He bows again (why?) before jetting off on his little legs. After a few moments of boredom, I stroll over to the wall-hanging and look it over. There's some words stitched on the bottom, like a caption or title. It's old and faint, but I can just make it out: "The Great Goddess Olga in combat with her sister Helga, Queen of the Demons."

I think I'm going to be sick.

"So," a voice says from behind me. "Who are you, Baldy, and why do you want to see me?"

I recognize that voice. So, it really is him. With extreme caution, I turn around. "Hey, Buddy."

He looks just like he did in the game, with his red outfits, matching red cape, the rapier at his side, and his deliciously grey hair pulled back into a ponytail. Aside from Setzer, I don't recall any Square heroes having grey hair. That was reserved more for the villains. Although Sephiroth does look hot, as does that guy from the FFXIII Versus trailer. (A/N: Here to hoping the next one doesn't suck as much as FFXII! Really, I think I've only made it past the third or fourth boss battle on that game, and I've had it since December. Quite a letdown for me. It doesn't feel like a Final Fantasy game without the magic of Hironobu Sakaguchi or the music of Nobuo Uematsu. Hopefully, Blue Dragon will give us a real RPG for the next generation of videogames. But anyway, back to the story…)

The combination of shock, hurt, and confusion on his face really isn't one that I'd seen in the game, though. Not even after all of the ugliness with Marcello. When I ran out on him and Jessica, it must have really hurt. At least he isn't taking the more brutal approach of bashing me head in like she did. Actually, I almost wish he would. This whole look of his is killing me. Even though I technically didn't do it, I still can't help but feel guilty.

"What are you doing here?" he asks with an attempt at nonchalance as he brushes his bangs out of his eyes. "I thought you never wanted to see me again."

"Did I say that?" I ask with a stupid grin on my face. Really not knowing how to act right now. I've wondered just what the heck I did here while I was on Earth, but now that I'm finally finding out I'm unsure if I really do want to know.

"No." He turns his back to me and begins to walk away. I can't leave it like this. Even if Jessica weren't waiting to pound my head like pizza dough, I still couldn't leave things like this. This was my life once. I can't just let it stay all screwed up.

"I'm sorry," I utter as I grab his shoulder. "I shouldn't have run off like that, I know. But you have to give me some leeway. I was fourteen and found out that my parents had already arranged for me to be married to that psychopath Kodachi. I freaked. It's not like I meant to hurt you and Jessica. You guys were my best friends."

Angelo reacts coolly to my admission of guilt and plea for forgiveness. He also notices that people are staring at us and pulls me outside. We walk in silence to the shore of the lake, where nobody is really hanging out anymore. I start to wonder where they all went when I hear a bell begin to clang.

"It's Mass already," he sighs with a mischievous smile. "We should have some time while those old codgers go on about that precious goddess of theirs."

That catches me off guard, sort of. While I knew Angelo wasn't the most, erm, "devout" of believers, I never quite expected him to be more like, well, _me_. Going to church on Earth was a lot fun. Yeah, major sarcasm there. All I did was sleep in the back pew until my parents smacked me upside the head with a Bible. Still missing those rednecks, by the way. Anyway, I just never really expected for him to say something like that.

Neither of us really knows what to say. In the interest of keeping the conversation from dying, I mention something about how bright the sun is. Angelo takes me by the hand and leads me into the shade of a nearby tree. Things are still incredibly awkward. It's obvious that he doesn't want to forgive me.

"You could have left a note," he finally says. Well, he's speaking to me in a way that isn't harsh. That's a step forward.

"I know. This isn't an excuse or anything, but you do have to remember that I was only 14 at the time. I was a stupid kid. Heck, I still am. Don't you have the capacity in your heart to forgive me?"

"Ohohoho, of course I do, my darling!"

Crap. Crap on a stick wrapped in aluminum foil and grilled till it's well done.

Kodachi jumps out of the tree and lands on me, slamming me to the ground. She's not nearly as light as she looks. Besides, didn't Jessica knock her out? And how in the world did she cross the lake without getting wet? I can't even get out of a boat without becoming drenched. Or ride one, either. Am I some kind of psycho magnet?

"Um, hello," Angelo greets nervously to the woman who has me pinned to the ground. "Who are you?"

She leaps into the air (rather high in it, mind you), and waves a black rose, sending a shower of rose petals into the wind. When she comes back down, she picks me up, plants an unwanted kiss on my lips, and turns back to Angelo. "I am Kodachi of the house of Kuno. Richard is my fiancé."

"Rick," I correct while trying to wipe the taste of her out of my mouth. The thought of licking the grass to get rid of it is looking quite appealing. Ugh. Why must I be so loveable? Curse these manly good looks!

"Yes, of course, Richard my love." Does she actually listen? Angelo is giving me this really sympathetic look. Maybe he's starting to understand my pain. I really do not like Kodachi. Aside from the whole tongue-raping that just happened, she hasn't really done anything to me. It's just that her neediness is a really big turn off.

How am I going to get rid of her? There's no way Angelo and I can have one of those man-to-man talks that we really need while she's hanging around. I know she has a weakness, but what is it? Her brother? No. Does she change into something when splashed with cold water? Again, no. What is it?

"Look! It's Ranma!" I shout while pointing in some random direction. Both of them just look at me stupidly. "Angelo, would you just knock her out?"

"Richard!" she cries indignantly. "Why would you even suggest such a thing?"

"Really. That doesn't sound like you," Angelo agrees. I wish Jessica were here. She didn't have any problems with it. Heck, I'm surprised she's not here giving Kodachi a fist sandwich. "Why would I hit a girl?"

"Because she's annoying, she interrupted our conversation, and I just plain don't like her." Mincing words isn't one of my strong suits. Especially where psychos are concerned. Psychos and thieves. If I ever see Elena again… Let's just say that it won't be pretty.

Kodachi looks about ready to cry, and for a moment, I feel bad. Note the word "moment." The feeling passes and I go back to hating the woman. I don't really know why I dislike her, though. Does it have to do with my knowledge of her from my life on Earth? Or am I starting to take on the thoughts and feelings of the Rick that was here for all those years? All I know for sure is that Angelo doesn't like to be where he is right now.

She pulls me close with strength far greater than my own. Murmurs of winning my love escape from her lips before she grabs my butt and runs off with that horrid laugh. Did I mention she grabbed my butt? That is so disturbing.

"So, she's why you left," Angelo says after a few long minutes of silence. "I guess I can kind of understand, but don't think that this makes up for the past three years. There's going to be a lot of time spent on your knees, and I don't just mean begging for forgiveness."

Okay, did Angelo just make a sex joke? (A/N: How many more times must I be glad I bumped this up to "T"?) That seems horribly appropriate right now. I burst out laughing and he even smiles a little.

"So, this is what you've been doing?" I wonder as I look at the Abbey. "You're a priest, now. That vow of celibacy must be killing you."

"You would know," he chuckles before poking me in the side. "Actually, I'm not a priest. I'm a Templar, and we're not required to be celibate. It just looks better on paper if you go through the whole spiel. That's why I'm not a Captain. The right person might come along, and I don't want to be bound to some stupid promise."

While this conversation might seem awkward for me to have with Zidane, or even Michael, I have no problems relating to Angelo like I would those two. Not even my girl-talk with Alma has been this satisfying. Plus he's probably the second best-looking of the three. It's definitely impossible to get any hotter than Michael unless you stand on the surface of the sun while wearing three layers of flannel and drinking coffee. Yeah, the painter can still make me drool.

"I missed you, you know," I tell him even though it's a complete lie. There is nothing about this guy that I know anything about. Except that he's a narcissist. Those people can be so annoying. Who cares how beautiful they are? They still can't hold a candle to me. Except for Michael. Although he has the fashion tastes of a drunken redneck whose mother shot his left eye out when he was three. That one never actually happened to me. My great aunt did shoot at her son a few times, but nobody was actually hit. (A/N: That one is a true story!)

"Can't really say as I blame you." Angelo leans over and places a small kiss on my lips. It feels… nice.

"What was that?" I ask in a clear state of confusion. Either he's just been toying with me about the whole being mad bit, or he's hornier than I thought. You never know with Angelo.

"You didn't like it?" he laughs. I blush an answer and he kisses me again. Stronger, rougher. His tongue does things to my mouth that Michael couldn't even dream about. Ah, that feels a better than nice.

He leans against me even harder, and I respond by lying back until I'm on the ground. There's a knee against either hip and a hand against my head. The other one is somehow undoing buttons on my soaked shirt that I didn't even know exist. His fingers brush against my chest, and run down across my stomach. My skin tingles with excitement. But then the moment is ruined when _that face_ pops into my head. And I don't mean Kodachi. Although that face could kill the mood between anyone.

"What is it?" Angelo breathes against my cheek. A moment ago, that would have been such a turn-on. Now, it's just another thing to make me feel guilty. Stupid guilt.

I shake my head and sit up, trying to find those buttons hidden amongst all of the puffiness.

"It's nothing. I just can't do this. I'm already kind of with someone."

Angelo looks at the ground at that. Aargh! Stupid Aerith. Why couldn't she tell me any of this was going to happen? I hate having to fix other people's messes. Even if they are my own.

"You see, he lives in Lindblum. His name is…"

Michael. Michael. I want to say Michael. Every fibre in my being is screaming at my brain to say Michael.

"What?" Angelo asks as he looks up. "What did you say his name is? This man from Lindblum?"

MICHAEL!

"…it's Zidane."

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A/N: I hate this chapter. It's awful, clichéd, and the whole Rick admitting his feelings for Zidane scene sucks. All I can say is sorry and that the next chapter will hopefully be better. Curse you writer's block!


	21. Life's a Drag Pt 1

Chapter 21: Life's a Drag Pt. 1

A/N: I read the last chapter again, and my opinion has changed slightly. It is still pretty weak, but I don't hate it. It's more of a reminder that I can do better. Anyway, now Rick's secret is out there for the world (well, one person) to see. He is in love with Zidane.

One important note for concerned and/or excited readers: there will be no lemons in this fic. I can get as graphic as I want with the kissing and groping, but my integrity just won't let me go further. Yes, I have integrity. But that's beside the point. What I'm getting at is that while Rick may talk extensively about having sex (a la Chapter 20) and get hot and heavy with some guys (again, like chapter 20), there will be no actual sex scenes. Mostly because I can't write them. I've tried and… well, I talked about a Will & Grace fic several months ago that will never come to light because of a poorly written lemon. So, nobody needs to wonder if this will ever be rated "M." (Looks at animesage and Tabansi232 for completely different reasons.)

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The ride back to the other side of the lake is a quiet one. It also seems to take a lot longer. Maybe the fact that I'm not struggling for air is showing just how much the deprivation of oxygen to my brain was a distraction the first time around. Gary doesn't really press me for information. He just smiles ands rows the little boat. Whoever called this a ferry was an idiot. And yes, I'm aware it was Jessica that said that.

How could I have said that to Angelo? He didn't seem to get what the big deal was. It was almost as though it's okay for someone to be in love with their best friend. Okay, so that's a bad example. Angelo and I used to be an item, remember? Yeah, anyway, I can't believe I told him that I'm in love with Zidane. That's just something that isn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to fall for Zidane. I'm not! He has Dagger, and I have Michael. So what if I don't feel the same for the painter as he does for me? Love isn't one of those things that happen all at once. I'm already smitten with the artist. It can't take too long for me to return his feelings fully. This just can't be happening. That's why I had to apologize to Angelo and excuse myself. Odds are that after this, I probably won't ever see him again. Would I want to see me after putting the brakes on whatever it was we were going to do? Probably. I am a wonderful person, after all. But Angelo hasn't known me, the real me, long enough to get that.

And on top of that Kodachi is obsessed with me. This is so wonderful.

"You doing okay?" Gary finally asks. "You're looking a little down. Jessica told me that this was supposed to be a happy thing. Did something go wrong?"

"Don't talk like you know me." This really isn't a time for talking, anyway. After denying it to myself for who knows how long, I'm finally going to have to admit it. I am head over heals in love. That is almost as mind-blowing as finding out that I'm actually a resident of Gaia. The fact that it's Zidane. Overwhelmed. That's what I am. I'm not sure if I'd be better off with something to distract myself from being alone with my thoughts or if being alone with them is precisely what I need.

"Who says I was trying to?"

That's logic that's hard to argue with. Not only have I probably royally screwed things up with Angelo… well, it's not as bad as things are with Michael. I don't want a relationship with Angelo. We probably wouldn't be able to anyway. He's just so direct. And he's afraid of hitting Kodachi. Me, I'm not afraid of doing it, it's just that I know it would be useless for me to do so. Even telling her that I hate her only steeled her resolve.

"So, tell me as an impartial outsider, do you think I'm a bad person?" I ask Gary while looking at my rippling reflection in the water. "Do you think that I could be capable of ruining the lives of so many people in one fell swoop? Because that's what's happening."

"What do you mean?" he inquires as he stops rowing. The boat continues to move because of inertia, but it's progress decreases rapidly. I hope that's not a sign of foreshadowing for my future.

How can I tell this complete stranger the whole disconcerting past I have but don't remember anything about? Maybe it is better to just let things fester. At least you can put off dealing with your problems for a little while. I really don't want to deal with these problems right now, anyway. So what if I love Zidane? That's not a horrible thing. It's not like our whole friendship is going to fall apart. Except it is. What kind of friendship had ever sustained when one of the friends is in love with the other? Not any that I've ever seen. He's going to hate me. It's all fine and dandy when I'm hanging all over Michael and he's drooling over Dagger and Minister Croft. When he finds out that I'm thinking of a possible future with him, though…

"Never mind," I tell him as I motion for him to resume rowing. "This is my problem. It's best not to weigh you down with it."

"Think of me as a bartender. Just someone to tell your troubles, too. It may not mean that I'm going to be able to give you some great insight, but at least you'll get it off your chest." Gary is sweet. Right now, I don't want sweet. Right now, I want to be left alone. Alone. That sounds really good. Almost as good as listening to Jennifer Hudson sing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going." If only the lyrics were the soundtrack to my life. As it is, the theme song for the Flintstones would be more appropriate.

Okay. I have Zidane to deal with, but he's not everyone. There's Dagger. While she would never admit it, I can tell that she has a crush on the… on _my_ little thief. And by little I mean one inch shorter than me. Curse you shrunken genetics! Anyway, the princess was all over Seifer at the ball, but she never mentioned him despite the fact that we clearly saw his tongue invading her mouth like the Americans at Normandy. And thus History class is finally good for something. But aside from her affections for Zidane, he also has feelings for her. He dropped me on my head when he saw those two together. He also never noticed that he dropped me. That just goes to show which of us he would pick if it came down to it. I don't stand a chance. And why would I? They are meant for each other, after all. I'm just some stupid bystander who forced himself into the whole affair. I don't even remember why I did it. Perhaps it had something to do with some thought that going with them would lead me to the way home. Whatever. That's not happening because, according to my "mother," I am home.

Life is depressing.

Michael. The incredibly sweet, kind, and hot guy that's waiting for me in Lindblum. How could I do this to him? Yes, I'm not in love with him, but that just makes the things that I've done even worse. I'm leading him on. That's nothing short of evil on my part. All he's done is try to help me enjoy myself. And to repay him I've pursued one man and gone way past the point of "friends" with another. Would it be right for me to try to continue a relationship with him where I'm only in it part of the way? Does he deserve less than all of my devotion? Never would I have imagined myself to be the one being unfaithful. Not that I can picture Michael cheating on me. It's just… things aren't nearly as easy or clear cut as they appear.

While I know I don't want anything with Angelo, I'm torn between Zidane and Michael. I can't really explain what it is that draws me to the thief. Our personalities are completely different and he hits on every woman he sees while I… well, I'm just not as into the better dressed sex as he is. But we get along incredibly well. He doesn't go at me with kid gloves. Instead, he treats me like an equal. As such, things can get tough, but we stick it out. He's my buddy.

Again, though, one would think that Michael and I are made for each other in much the same way that anyone with half a brain could tell Zidane and Dagger were. We're both vegetarians, we both have incredibly good looks, and we both love me. The thing is, as much as I love Michael, I'm not in love with him. It's not a brotherly kind of love, either. Because no matter how redneck my upbringing, I would never make out with my brother. (I shudder at the thought.) This is more like the love you have for a really close friend. I care for him. A lot. But not in the way that I want to. Those feelings aren't something that you can flip on with a switch, I guess.

When we reach the shore of the other side of the lake, there's nobody there to meet me. Would it have been unreasonable for Jessica to wait and find out how things went with me and Angelo? Sure, she may have ended up hitting me, but at least she wouldn't try to kill me like the inevitable monsters will if I have to walk home alone. Gary had better be escorting me.

Wait? Did I just say home? There's no way I said that. My home isn't Ascantha. It's Hellhole. My parents, brother, sister, and nieces are my family, not Cloud and Tifa. The most important thing in my life is my puppy. Why is all of this happening to me? On top of all of my romantic entanglements, I have this whole "Drifter" thing to deal with. Thank you, Aerith, for completely and utterly ruining my life. Thank you ever so much.

"So, which way are we headed?" Gary looks around before concentrating on me. Please tell me that I do not have another person in love with me. Four is more than enough. I don't know why I have this whole weird animalistic ability to draw people in. Being desirable can be such a pain.

"We? Last I knew, you were just my ride across the water."

Gary just smiles and tilts his head in the direction of Ascantha. "Jessica asked me to make sure you got home safe. She thought that you might get, erm, 'busy,' and didn't want to waste her time waiting. Guess she was wrong, huh?"

"And how is that any of your business?" I shriek loudly.

He laughs and helps me out of the boat. Miraculously, I don't fall in the water. Fate must think that the dampness I've retained from my first spill is enough. Besides, I still have that whole paint thing to deal with, yet. Stupid paint.

"She asked me to help you get home. Something about you being a complete wuss and having to deal with the fallout of Kodachi. It was really confusing."

He thinks he's confused? I could just rehash all of the things that I've complained about already, but… I'm not worrying about it. Nope, that's an internal discussion for another time. Right now, I just want to concentrate on getting back to the castle. I want to crawl into that bed I woke up in this morning. I want to curl up under the cover and wake up back home, without thoughts of Aerith, Kodachi, or Angelo. I want to not be in love with Zidane, and I want to be in love with Michael. I want a lot of things. Somehow, I think I'll end up with nothing.

We do start off on our trek, though. Some monsters attack us, but Gary makes quick work of them. While he's not in the same league of some of the people I've traveled with, like Freya and Fujin, he can hold in his own. The guy isn't in the same league as Zidane or Vivi, either. The thing that bugs me about his fighting style is probably his weapon of choice. It's a chain. As in the thing that people put on business doors at night to keep thieves and/or vandals out. I'm sorry, but that's a little too gangsta for my tastes.

"Why isn't there any Mist here?" I ask Gary after he wraps up killing his fourth or fifth monster. It's one of those things with a body, an eyeball for a face, and weird little limp antennae coming out of its head. That's one of the things that I've been wondering about.

He gives me a look that says I should know this stuff already. Can I blame him? Not really. I _am_ the prince of this kingdom after all. Ugh. Why couldn't I have been the some of a shoemaker or something? Maybe then I could get some comfortable yet stylish footwear. These ugly things that I'm wearing now are absolutely horrid. There had better be some normal clothes waiting for me, because I don't know how much puffiness I can take. Besides, I don't want to catch a cold. Stupid wet clothes.

"The Mist is repelled by the power of the mages. I don't know how it works, exactly, but all of the Mana (which I'm going to assume is the same stuff from Tales of Symphonia, because I really don't want anymore new information crammed into my head) that is gathered here kind of keeps the stuff away. There are some really powerful mages at the Abbey, too. The Mist monsters can still wander around freely, but because the Mist is virtually nonexistent in this area, they're pretty weak. That's why nobody has any problems with traveling alone around here. Which is why I was curious as to why Jessica wanted you to have an escort back to Ascantha."

That was… confusing. So if this Mana stuff can repel the Mist, then how can the Black Mages use magic? If Mana is the anti-Mist, then it wouldn't make sense for the Black Mages to be able to manipulate it into magic. Unless their magic doesn't work the same as human magic. Assuming these mages Gary told me about are human. But the thing is, if the Black Mages don't utilize Mana to create magic, then what do they use? The Mist, probably. Which is probably also why they have such short lifespans. The very thing that gives them life is also what gives them their power, but they have to use the Mist inside of them. This is all speculation, of course, but it has me worried for Vivi. His magic has been awfully useful up to this point, and I'm sure it will be in the future, but do I want my little buddy to use up his life just to protect mine? I know I'm wonderful and that the world would be incredibly saddened if I were to kick the bucket. That doesn't make my life any more valuable than his, though. This is a nine-year-old kid I'm talking about, after all. Who am I to be questioning the worth of his life? Nobody, that's who. Even though I'm a Drifter, and royalty on top of that, I'm only one person. Vivi is one person. He shouldn't have to sacrifice himself for anyone. Not even me.

All of that thinking has made my head hurt.

"Can we take a break?" I whine after what seems like an hour of walking and dodging random monster attacks. I was excited when I first heard that the Final Fantasy games would no longer be using random enemy encounters, which I am getting very tired of, but I definitely do prefer the setup I have to deal now than that of FFXII. Seriously, if I wanted to play an MMORPG, I would have done that. Stupid Square-Enix couldn't used an enemy encounter system like that of ToS and Radiata Stories (A/N: an underrated Squeenix RPG that _will_ be mentioned somewhere in this fic), but no. It had to go and be stupid. And these shoes make my feet hurt. Stupid weird rich people shoes. I actually miss those boots. Not as much as the awesome shoes that Elena stole from me, but they're loads more comfortable and better looking than these atrocities.

Gary looks at me as though I'm crazy, but sighs. "There's a small cabin up ahead. An old woman lives there, and we know each other rather well. I'm dating her granddaughter, you see."

Hold up. Gary has a girlfriend! So why would he be flirting with me? Unless he wasn't. Curse my good looks once more. I'm so used to people hitting on me (in Gaia, anyway) that when someone is genuinely being kind I can't even tell. Being beautiful is such a burden.

Anyway, the two of us eventually reach the cabin. Why didn't I see it when I first traveled this road with Jessica? Oh, right, too busy being smacked around by a psycho to notice. Why are the women of Gaia so crazy? If they're not beating me to a pulp, they're stealing my stuff. Elena especially, seeing as how she's done both. Oh, she will pay. Yes, she will. Dagger, too. Nobody ever steals from me. My idiot brother once stole my Gamecube. I wouldn't have minded, if it weren't for the fact that I was in the middle of my first playthrough of ToS, one of the three good games for the system that wasn't created by Nintendo. Thing is, in retaliation, he poster of Jessica Simpson was taken down and one of Homer Simpson was put up in its place. While you normally wouldn't expect that to be necessarily evil, you obviously haven't met my mother. She hates The Simpsons. Hates them. Let's just say I got my Gamecube back and he lost all PS2 privileges for a month.

My guardian of the day knocks on the door and a few seconds later it's opened by an old woman, just like he said. She invites us in and doesn't even look at me oddly. Hopefully, she doesn't know who I am.

"Well, hello, Gary. It's so nice to see you. Who is your friend?" she asks before going back to her seat. It's a wooden rocker by a lit fire. Why didn't I notice the smoke outside? And doesn't she know the dangers of having wooden things near open fires? I swear, the people of Gaia just aren't all there.

"This is Rick. He's friends with that girl that's always going to the Abbey. Apparently he's also friends with one of the guys there."

She looks at me and smiles, her wrinkles and crows feet horribly noticeable. I hope I don't get like that when I'm her age. Rick is going to be one of the sexy old guys. Still, she's being really nice, so I shouldn't complain. Too much.

"Nice to meet you," I say with a small bow. She and Gary both laugh at this. What? That monk guy kept bowing to me. Don't tell me it isn't a common custom. Stupid drugged-up monk.

"Pull up a seat and tell me a little about yourself, young man." She points to a small dining table with three chairs. It's shaped like a square, and one side is pressed up against the wall, so there really doesn't look like a need for a fourth chair. Anyway, interior decorating aside, Gary effortlessly grabs two of the three chairs and sets them by the fire. Someone explain to me why the old lady even has a fire going. It's pretty warm outside from what I gathered, and I'm still damp. My clothes may dry by the flames, but then the sweat would just get them all soaked again. Meh, I don't really care. These things are getting burnt when I get back to the castle. I hate them even more than I do Elena. At least she had the good tastes to steal _my_ shoes. Imagine if she'd stolen Zidane's… Even I wouldn't like that.

"Well," I search around my head for something to tell her that isn't a complete lie without giving away important details concerning my, erm, past. All of this making up alibis and lying is starting to make me feel like I'm living a soap opera instead of a videogame. And I know that this isn't really a videogame, so don't even think about jumping me. It's just a lot for my poor little brain to handle. "I used to be a knight, but now I'm just a traveler. There's a group of people I usually travel with. They're off doing something else at the moment, but we'll meet up again. I just had to meet an old friend."

That sounded reasonable without being evasive. Man, I am getting good at this. Is that a good thing?

Her bones creaking as much as the chair, the old woman stands up and begins to prepare some tea or coffee. All I know is that it's a hot liquid because she puts the kettle on a bar hanging over the fire. Then she sits back down and looks at Gary before shooting me a very mischievous smile.

"So, young man, do you have a girlfriend?" she asks. I'm suspicious. That was very sudden. Old lady must be plotting something. This is why I don't like old people. They have ulterior motives. All of them, except for the ones who are either in comas or have gone senile. The senile ones are kind of funny. There's nothing quite like having one grandmother trying to set you up with a nice girl for prom while the other one raves about how her oranges are shaped funny, yellow, and tastes like bananas. Yes, I don't like old people.

"No. And I'm not looking for one." Hopefully she'll back off. The last thing I need is another person interfering in my love life. It's screwed up enough as it is. And to think that two weeks ago I didn't have one. Has it been less than two weeks since I first woke up on Gaia? I can't remember how long I've been here. In this world, I mean.

"Oh?" her smiles turns into a grin. "Well, if women aren't your style, I do have a grandson living in Ascantha…"

That does it. I stand up and storm out of the cabin in a weird combination of fear and anger. That old woman wanting to talk to me about her grandson? Eww. There are some boundaries that old people should NEVER cross. My brain needs scrubbing. And Gary needs to be beaten. Badly. He had to've known what the old woman would try to do. Old people are evil, I tell you. Evil!

Sunlight beams down on me and warms my skin. I walk out to the road and look down the direction of the Abbey. If I hadn't gotten sick and passed out, I would not be doing any of this. I don't even know how I got sick or what illness I had.

On the other end of the road is Ascantha. People there like me, want me, but I don't share their feelings. No matter which way I go, I'm reaffirming a part of my life that I really don't want a part of.

"Rick?" I hear a door shut and Gary comes up behind me. "Are you okay? I never should've brought you here. There's a reason Emma never visits the old crone."

"Whatever." Not caring how much like Squall I'm acting, I sigh and begin walking in the direction of the castle. I just want this day to end. There's a big comfy bed waiting for me. I'm going to crawl into it, and worry about all of this crap tomorrow. My body is drained. Not physically, but in more of a spiritual sense. Not being a very spiritual person, this is troubling to me.

Neither of us says anything the rest of the trip. As if sensing that I'm not in the mood for it, there aren't any monster attacks, either. Perhaps they do have brains after all.

We reach the gates of the city. They don't want to let us in because of some sort of celebration, but when I inform them of just who I am and what my role is in the country, they hastily raise it. Gary shoots me a curious look but I brush it off. Still feeling all angry about the whole old woman ambush. On top of that, though, I'm more angry at myself for putting myself into the position I am.

I told Alma that I would never cheat on Michael. I have, though. And I'm not talking about the whole making out with Angelo bit. That's infidelity on a less severe level. What I'm concerned with is the fact that I'm still in love with Zidane. Heh. Still in love with him? When exactly did I fall for the stupid monkey? I don't know if I'll ever be able to figure it out. All I know is that Michael deserves better than the half-heartedness I'm offering him. Call me a broken record. I don't care.

As if to distract myself from my thoughts, I look at the beautiful chaos around me. There's a part of my heart that wishes I could just be a part of it. These people all seem so happy. Why can't I be happy? The last time I was happy was that morning I woke up in the painter's arm. Yet another reason I can't keep stringing him along. It's clear what I have to do. In order to keep the pain from hitting us any harder when the inevitable occurs…

Michael and I are going to break up.

"Hey!" someone shouts at me. I look around to see if it's Gary, but he's already disappeared. Great way to do your job, buddy. People are just so self-absorbed.

The crowd begins cheering loudly. People around me part like Sonny and Cher. A tall, tanned man with large muscles approaches me with a large pig-thing on his back. A short, pale woman with grey hair and an eye patch follows him. The sounds around them are almost deafening. So perhaps they're the source of the jubilance. Just a guess, really.

"It's you, isn't it? Glad to see you're awake, ya know."

"Thanks, Raijin," I say, glad to see a familiar face that doesn't want something from me. Perhaps his annoying optimism will rub off on me. This whole sense of hopelessness is starting to get old. "I see you did what you came here for."

"This?" he laughs as he readjusts the dead porcine on his shoulders. "This was just the bait. There's a dead dragon being dragged to the castle. It almost killed us, but after Fujin cut off its wings, we pretty much eliminated its… um, what's that thing called again?"

Fujin looks at us like we're stupid. "ADVANTAGE."

"Yeah, it's an advantage that we eliminated. Pretty cool, huh? Me and Fujin are the best, ya know," he brags. A smile dares to cross my lips. Being around people that don't want to use me or hurt me really is a good thing.

"I know."

We walk to the castle together, and I get to hear all of gory details of the battle. And I do mean gory. Who wants to hear about how Raijin can reach into a dead boar with his bare hands and rips its throat out?

"So, how've you been? We were worried about you, ya know. Fujin especially. She didn't say it, but I could te… OW!"

The shorter warrior gives him a kick like no other. For good measure, I get one, too. "What did I do?"

For my whining, I get a kick on my good leg that sends me onto my butt. Women are crazy, I tell you. C-R-A-Z-Y.

"MOVE!" she demands over all of the jubilant celebrants. She grabs me by the collar with one hands and Raijin by the other, dragging us inside the doors that are being held open by a few concerned looking guards. I would worry about their reactions more, but I'm kind of having trouble breathing.

Anyway, it continues like this, Fujin showing off her surprising strength by keeping Raijin, the dead pig, and myself moving at a steady rate despite the fact that she's the only one whose legs are being used. I am impressed. A little scared, too. Why didn't she win the Festival of the Hunt again?

We crash through those big wooden doors leading to the throne room. Someone calls my name and I'm thrown the floor. I can hear Raijin landing beside me.

"Rick! What happened to you?" Large breasts find themselves in my face as Tifa pulls me close. It's a shame this is wasted on me. Even if I weren't in love with Zidane, there wouldn't be the weirdness thinking about her that there is whenever I imagine Cloud. Eww. But, alas, the sight of my stepmother's breasts is indeed nothing to me. Raijin doesn't seem to mind, though.

"Howdy," I mutter against the jiggly flesh in hopes that she'll relieve some of the pressure on my face. It doesn't happen. "Just ran into some friends is all."

"That's right. This is the two that brought you here. Thank you so much!" my stepmother thanks the psycho and the musclehead. Don't get me wrong, I like Raijin and Fujin, but I can't change what they are. Besides, if I tried, Raijin and I would probably end up as nothing more than bloodstains on the wall and Fujin's chakram.

"We were glad to do it, ya know. We had no idea Rick lived in Ascantha," Raijin laughs. I really can't see anything, as she hasn't let me go. And I can't breathe too well.

"He more than lives here," the Queen tells the duo. "He's my son. Rick's the heir to the throne of this country!"

I don't even need to be able to see them to know that they're shocked. While Fujin is a Drifter, too, I'm sure she never expected for me to have inherited a birthright as annoying as this. Then again, I might just be able to get her to get rid of Kodachi for me. I'm kind of surprised she hasn't shown up. As it stands, Jessica and Kodachi are the only crazy women in my life who've actually intermingled. Actually, I take that back, Fujin and Elena squared off as well.

Cloud finally clears his throat and Tifa returns to her seat. I gratefully sucked in a lungful of air. Raijin and Fujin are still stupefied. Do you know what it's like to see Fujin without words? Well, in a shocked way. It's kind of freaky.

"Rick, would you please ask your friends to leave for a moment? We need to speak with you alone." His tone is not happy. Kodachi must've talked to him already. Stupid Jessica. She never should've hit her. I knew it was a bad idea. I just knew it.

"I'll see you in a minute," I tell them. Fujin collects herself, looks angrily at me for not having told her something I didn't know, and then grabs Raijin and drags him out in much the same fashion that we were brought in. The dead pig is left behind. "What is it?"

"Since you will be assuming control of this kingdom someday, I want to begin involving you in the decisions of the nation," he says rather unemotionally. It's almost like a prepared speech. "There is something that you must know about one of the other countries on this continent.

"Alexandra is believed to have already destroyed Burmecia, and our spies tell us that they're preparing a strike on Cleyra. Do you think we should aid in the defence of the Cleyrans?"

Craptastic.

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A/N: This chapter has been… unique. I don't like emo Rick. I like stupid, conceited, arrogant Rick. I am really hoping that Part 2 will steer back to the more shallow Rick. But the poor boy has more heartbreak in his future. I am so evil. And I am so winning :)


	22. Life's a Drag Pt 2

Chapter 22: Life's a Drag Part 2

A/N: Can someone explain to me why, when this fic gets so many hits and is on 10 alerts, that only 1 person is reviewing me? I do love my readers, but a review makes me feel good. So thank you, animesage, and the rest of you… Please click that purple button in the bottom left corner!

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Someone explain to me why I'm in control of so many destinies? One word will either doom the citizens of an entire country to an onslaught of magic proportions, or drench the land in a needless war. And less than a month ago my biggest worry was whether I should wear the red heels or the blue ones. Do you know how long it took me to decide between all of the guys after me? I chose someone who thinks of me as just a friend. Over two hot guys who want me. I chose Zidane over Michael and Angelo. Michael. Angelo. Michael. Angelo. Leonardo. Donatello. Rafael. Sorry, that was my inner five-year-old trying to escape. He needs to be beaten now.

Why can't anyone see that I'm unfit to make this decision? I just make a Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles joke for Christ's sake!

Rick isn't a prince. He isn't a knight. He isn't some hero destined to save the world. Rick is just a teenager who thinks that the more important things in life are clothes and boys. That is who I am. I can't do this!

"I… I need time to think," I answer in an attempt to stall. Cloud leans forward and looks ready to say something, but Tifa places a hand on his wrist.

"We know that this is a decision you shouldn't make on a whim. You have one hour, my son. Please don't let me down." She looks incredibly sad. Like she's afraid I'm going to end up letting her down in some way. It's a shame that that's probably the truth. "Remember this if nothing else. No matter what you decide, you're my son and I love you. I always will."

Unable to answer her, I turn my back on my parents and walk to those big wooden doors that seem to have gotten so much use today. NO! They aren't my parents! My parents are those rednecks on Earth. These are the people who raised the other Rick. They're nothing to me. Nothing!

When I open the door, Raijin falls at me feet. Stupid, stupid Raijin. He was so clearly leaning against the door to hear what was being said.

"Heh. Howdy, Rick," he says sheepishly as he looks up at me. I do believe that is the first time that has ever happened. Being short isn't as pleasant as you'd think. "So, what're you up to?"

"As if you don't know," I mutter before kicking at him. He moves out of reach of my foot and I manage to get the door shut. After looking around to make sure no one was around, I help the giant up. Seriously, how does someone get so tall? Did his mother put steroids in his baby bottle or something? "Can you guys help me with something?"

"Sure, uh, but why didn't you tell us that you're a prince?" he asks with that Raijin-esque innocence. It's so hard to believe that he was a villain in FFVIII. Big loveable dopes are supposed to be good guys. Lloyd was. Yangus was. Even I have my occasional moments of goofiness. Remember the paint on the side of my head? I know I do.

Fujin than kicks him and gives me a more understanding, even if still angry, glare. It's pretty clear that I'm not going to have another breakthrough with her like I did back in the marsh, but I'm sure I'll be fine. Even if my oddly twisted romantic life doesn't work out, I can just move back to Lindblum and kick it with Alma. She loves me and my good tastes in clothes. But why Lindblum? Well, I probably won't be too welcome in Ascantha when I do what it is that I need to.

"Can we talk somewhere else? I need some advice," I tell them as I try to remember the way Jessica had brought me to the throne room. If nothing else, that room I woke up in should be a safe place to talk, provided Kodachi isn't hiding behind some painting. But surely she's not that crazy… Right?

Trying to ignore the possibility that my obsessed fiancée may have killed Raijin and is now using his body as some sort of meat puppet in an attempt to get close to me, I attempt to retrace my steps. The first time I reach what I think is the door to that room, I accidentally see Jessica trying on a bustier. She notices me and acts kind of shocked. When Raijin's head pops in beside me, I honestly don't know why, the redhead becomes very angry.

The door is slammed shut and I know what it's like to be hit in the face with a silver spoon. I would complain, but that'd seem kind of shallow seeing as how Raijin got the whole platter. As least she didn't pitch the tea kettle at us, too.

My second attempt at finding that room does prove fruitful. The three of us enter and I deadbolt it behind us despite the fact that I didn't even know there was deadbolt there. Freaky.

"Um…" I don't really know what to say, so I lean against the edge of a vanity while the friends plop down on the bed. Fujin bounces into the air just a little when Raijin sits. The atmosphere is so tense that I can't a crack a joke about it, though. My wit is so dying with all of this crap going on. It's kind of like the ending of _Friends_. Of course, she got off the plane. And while I screamed in ecstasy with the rest of the world, looking back on it the show would've ended on a much better note if she hadn't. Stupid me dissing fictional TV people.

"TALK!" Fujin demands angrily. Raijin agrees with her in a much less lethal manner and asks me what I need advice on, ya know. Yeah, it definitely doesn't work for me.

"Erm, I need to go Cleyra, and I can't wait. They aren't going to let me out of their sight again. Will you guys help me get there?"

"What're you going to Cleyra for? It's just a giant tree surrounded by a tornado, ya know," Raijin offers. "Besides, why won't they let you leave the castle? You're the prince!"

"That's why. You see, the last time I left was three years ago, and I kind of never came back…" I explain while looking at Fujin for help. She knows that I wasn't here for this. Still, she just has that angry, calculating look on her face.

Raijin gives me a look that says "Why not?"

"…I'm just not cut out for this royalty stuff. I had more fun running around Lindblum with Zidane, Dagger, and the others last week than I ever have in my whole life."

"So why do you want to go to Cleyra?" Raijin being the talker is so much easier on my nerves than Fujin. Something tells me that if I were trying to reason with her, I would already have been thrown out the window. I do need to tell her the things that Mo… AERITH! The things that Aerith told me this morning. My large, dull buddy just can't be around for it.

How do I explain why I need to get to Cleyra, though? I can't just tell him that I'm worried about Zidane while trying to duck my responsibilities. Seriously, who in their right mind would saddle me with a responsibility that large, anyway?

"Do you know what happened to Zidane and the others?" I ask with my eyes on the floor. "You were gone while I was cooped up, so I haven't heard anything."

"We don't know anything, either. Fujin and me were just doing our job, ya know. Money has to be made somehow." He laughs, as has become the custom.

"I just… I think he's there. At Cleyra. It makes sense, doesn't it? Cloud, he said that Burmecia had fallen and Cleyra was about to be invaded. So they would be at Cleyra, right? Right?"

Fujin shakes her head and Raijin looks troubled. "I know you're worried about your friends, but I'm sure they're fine. Zidane told us that they would be and to worry about you, ya know. Said to keep you safe and away from the battles. He doesn't think you're ready for the sights of war."

Should I tell him that I've beaten off housewives and grandmothers on Black Friday just to get a copy of Kingdom Hearts II for my idiot brother? War is nothing next to that.

"I'm going, with or without you. And if I leave and something were to happen to me, they would think you guys did it since you were the last ones seen with me."

"We never said that we wouldn't go with you, ya know," Raijin beams stupidly as he stands up and pulls me into a bear hug. Why am I being hugged? I was not aware this was a huggable situation. "When do you want to leave?"

"Now would be nice," I answer thoughtfully when he lets me go. Wasn't Raijin a villain in FFVIII? Someone needs to remind me that he isn't an archetype of Randy from _My Name is Earl_, because that's how he's coming across. Big, loveable, and stupid are incredibly accurate. "They wouldn't just let me go, though. Not after the last time…"

Raijin and I throw ideas back and forth as to how we could get out. For the most part, Fujin ignores us. We do get the occasional glare for the more outrageous ones, and Raijin even gets a kick when he suggests that she seduce Cloud. Of course, I get one too just because I agreed with the plan. Stupid frigid psycho.

After the debate and pain subsides, my incredible genius and his _whatever_ decides that the best way to leave the castle would be to sneak out. That's fun for me because that's disguises, and I just haven't gotten to dress anyone in ages. Not since I picked out that hideousness for Dagger in Dali. And that was in my satchel, too. Curse you evil princess person! Curse you!

"They'll be looking for two men and a woman, so we can't necessarily go as we are," I suggest as I look at my partners-in-crime. "Any ideas?"

The tallest of us actually has a thought. Scary, I know. "Fujin! She could dress up as a guy, ya know. She already kind of looks like one. She doesn't have any breasts, and her voice is kind of low."

Mulling over the idea, I have to agree with him. "Yeah, you're right. I can totally work with that. She's rigid in her posture, and her bone structure isn't at all delicate. The only thing I would really have to do is give her some thicker insoles for her boots and darken her lips hairs so that they look like an actual moustache instead of the half-grown thing she already has."

Deciding that she didn't like our approach, Fujin stands up and kicks up both twice before lifting me up and throwing me at him rather viciously. Ouch. What did we do? If she didn't want to do that, she could've just said so. It's not like we were being rude or anything. Psycho, I'm telling you.

"Fine, so you don't want to be a guy. We could pose as three girls, I guess, but I doubt anyone would believe Raijin is a woman. He doesn't have a feminine bone in his body," I say painfully as I disentangle myself from the larger man. This is ridiculous. Even my friends want to hurt me. Well, Raijin's my friend. Fujin's just the angry person who hits us.

"You two could dress us like girls and I could be, ya know, your pimp," Raijin laughs. My eyes widen and I look at Fujin. Okay, aside from the fact that the people of Gaia know what pimps are, I'm really ticked that Raijin would call me a whore. Ticked isn't even close to describing Fujin, though. I don't think I've ever seen her this… _infuriated_.

If I thought getting thrown was harsh, I'd never known the true meaning of the word. Raijin is hit with many heavy and metal things, my the breaks when she slams his face into the headboard, and, to end it, she kicks him in the shin. I only do the last one. What? He called me a whore, too.

"I was just kidding, ya know. You didn't have to hit me," he snivels. Still, Fujin and I could dress up and Raijin could don a Noble's outfit. It's not perfect, but I don't exactly have the time to come up with something better. We've already been at this for a good twenty minutes or so.

Deciding to ignore my bleeding comrade (it was his own fault, really), I walk over to a door and find that it leads to a walk-in closet. That's convenient. Anyway, the closet is divided into two, with men's clothes on one side and women's on the other. So, this must be Cloud and Tifa's bedroom. But why would they put me in here if they didn't know for sure that I was their son? Tifa probably insisted on it. She does seem to be the more emotional of the two.

Ignoring the men's clothes for a moment (because they're all evil, puffy things), I start to paw through the various dresses and other outfits. Of course, these are on the left side of the closet so Raijin and Fujin can see the better profile of me in case they decide to look this way. I don't know why, but I always look better if you look at my right side. Must be because I'm right-handed.

Then I find it. Silver, flowing, and made of the softest satin I've ever felt, this is _the_ perfect dress for Fujin. It complements her skin colour and her hair without being too trashy. There's a skirt that will fall around the calf with a slit on the left that rises up to the inner thigh. The problem is in whether or not she will wear it. I would, in a heart beat, but the challenge isn't getting me into a dress. It's getting her into one. She's the more resistant one to the scheming, anyway.

With a grunt, I throw the dress onto the bed as though it's no big deal. I continue to sort through the dresses and find that they all have one thing in common: there's no discernable bust. It's almost as though these were tailor-made for someone without breasts. Seeing as how the two women I know who live in this castle are rather well known for their large breasts… This definitely isn't Tifa and Cloud's room. Whose is it, though?

Dress after dress is common, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I don't find anything that really screams RICK! There are a few options, but I'm not too excited about them. There's this red thing that resembles Selphie's outfit from FFVIII, and an almost exact replica of Shampoo's hideous outfit. Yes, THE Shampoo. As in Ranma ½, the world that Kodachi hails from. Not this Kodachi, but I think that's all been thoroughly muddled by Aerith. Stupid Aerith.

Not really finding anything that fits my tastes, I just decide to wear a long black dress. It has long sleeves and a long skirt, so I don't have to worry too much about my build giving away the fact that I'm a man. It's actually rather plain. Maybe when I go to Treno I'll find something better to wear. If I go to Treno. Who knows where I'll end up? I thought that after the whole "Dagger leaving me behind and stealing my satchel" thing, I might just end up in Burmecia, but no. I had to get sick and pass out. On top of all that pleasantness, I also have everything I thought I knew about myself beaten and thrown into a river by my the "dead" heroine of FFVII. To think I cried the first time I watched her die. If I ever get my satchel back, I'm going to dig out those books I stole from the Dali Inn, turn to the part where Sephiroth impales her with Masamune, and laugh long and loud without a care as to how insane I look. That'll show her.

"What do you think?" I ask the others as I spin around, the dress held against my body to show how it would fit. "It's a little muted for my tastes, but I think it'll work."

Raijin gives me the thumbs up _way_ too enthusiastically. Fujin just stares at me. I go back into the closet and shut the door. Removing the hideousness I woke up in, without a care as to its continued existence, I pull the dress over my head and try to get it on without any illumination. I end up hitting my head on the closed door, knocking down about half of the clothes in closet, and continuously trip over those awful shoes. Raijin and Fujin might think something else entirely was happening in here if they didn't know me better. I'm not the type to enjoy being in the closet. And yes, that was a pun.

"Would one of you zip me up?" I ask when I finally step out, one of my hands curved behind my back in an impossible angle in hopes of reaching the zipper. Of course, this wouldn't go smoothly.

Raijin looks at Fujin curiously, but she stays rooted to her spot on the bed so he stands up and does the honours. While I am surprised that Gaia has zippers on its dresses, I'm even more surprised that this dress actually fits. I really got lucky, I guess.

"Thanks, but now its time for you to leave," I tell Raijin with a shove towards a random door after I turn around. He wrunts hilariously and walks toward the door, only to have it turn out to be a private bath.

"Wow, this is awesome! Whoever's room this is must be pretty big in the royalty, ya know. It looks like they may even have running water!"

Bored by his excitement, I give him another push and tell him that if he's that excited, then he should try out the throne. He relents and walks into the bathroom with his head hung. I'm sure I should care, but I don't.

"Now what are we going to do about you?" I ask while looking Fujin over, careful not to let my eyes drift to the dress a few feet away. "You're way too recognizable with that eyepatch, but we can't remove it because that's disgusting. Would you mind if I styled your hair so that it's covered?"

She doesn't hit me, so I assume that's a yes. "Okay then, now we have to do something about those clothes. We'll worry about Raijin later. You're going to be the more fun one."

Her eye doubles in size, presumably due to fear. Something tells me Fujin isn't looking forward to this. Well, she'll just have to get over it.

"Of course, since you don't want to be a man, you'll have to wear a dress, but one that doesn't contrast with your skin colour. We don't need to draw too much attention to that fact. How about that one?" I finally point to the dress on the bed. She looks at it, eye still wide, before looking at me and shaking her head. "Come on? Why not?"

"SLUT." She waves her hand wildly in the general direction of the dress.

"It is not slutty," I argue as I pick it up and press it against her chest. "It's attractive. You'll be drawing the all of the eyes, so nobody will pay any attention to me in this boring thing. That's what we want, anyway. So come on, I'll even look away."

She shakes her head again and throws the dress on the floor. I pick it up and thrust it into her hands. It ends up back on the floor. This goes on for a good five minutes, precious time that I can't afford to waste. After reminding of that little fact, she reluctantly takes the dress and I turn around. Fujin takes even longer to change than I did, but she finally huffs her completion. I turn back around and find a sight that I'm sure many thought impossible: a hot Fujin. I was right about how the dress would compliment her pale flesh, but I never imagined that the skirt would be as short as it is, or how the awkwardness in which she's holding herself makes her seem defenceless. The slit in the skirt rises up rather far, but stops just short of a peep show. It does hang a little loosely on her frame, but only a little. She's also barefoot, which makes her seem innocent and cute, but I'll fix that. Fujin would just as soon kill me as wear heels, but while in the closet I did fall into a pile of shoes.

"I think I saw the perfect shoes to go with that," I assure her as I duck back into the closet. Searching around, I pull out a pair of close-toed sandals. They're a light grey, not silver, but I don't think anyone would really notice the difference.

She scoffs when I approach, but I point out the impracticality of wearing boots with such a gorgeous dress. She sits down, legs purposely closed, and slides them on. Again, they're a little big, but I adjust the straps for her so that they won't fall off or inhibit her ability to move. I then go back to the closet and retrieve a large black purse and begin stuffing her clothes and boots in it. She looks at me questioningly.

"I didn't think you'd want to actually fight dressed like that," I explain as I fight the thing to get it to shut. I really wish I had my satchel. After telling Fujin that he can come out, he opens the door with a stupid grin on his face. Then he catches sight of Fujin and it disappears. Yes, my work is that good.

Tossing the purse onto the bed, I go back into the closet and pull out a random outfit for Raijin before throwing it to him. I don't pay much attention to it other than it's green and red, but with so little time left before I have to go back to Cloud and Tifa, I don't really care. Fujin really wasted a lot of it being stubborn. Stupid suddenly hot psycho.

He grabs the clothes and goes back into the bathroom to change while search through the shoes for something to go with my dress. I finally settle on a pair of two-inch heels that brings me up to Fujin's height. Well, just below it. I could've sworn she'd be shorter than me.

I have the shoes on and am trying to tame Fujin's mop when Raijin reappears in the outfit I randomly chose. It's tight on him, and the shirt and pants are a little short, but other than that he just looks like a large elf. Somebody get me a camera.

"This isn't too comfortable, ya know."

"Get over it," I tell him as I use the MCoDs to try to untangle Fujin's hair with little success. "We don't exactly have much at our disposal. I haven't even thought about hiding my horrid baldness, yet. This is a spur of the moment thing, after all."

He just shrugs and mutters something about the wigs being easier than her hair. Stupid Raijin, not being able to comprehend that beauty is something that needs to be cultivated. Fujin is hot yes, but she could look much hotter with the right nail polish and…

"Wait, there are wigs?" I shout at him. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?"

"I thought you knew," he replies as he sits on the bed. "They're on the sink in front of the mirror."

Dashing in to the bathroom, which is hard to do in heels unless you've had as much practice in them as I have, I catch sight of five wigs. There's a black one, a brown one, and blonde one, a red one, and a grey one. Why there's a grey wig I'll never know, but I immediately ear mark it for Fujin. It's wavy and the edges are a little curled, but I'm sure she won't care. It's the only one that'll go with her dress. And while I've always wanted to be a redhead, it's cut way too short. Not wanting to go back to brunette, I examine the blonde and black ones. The blonde is this big ole mess of curls that would make me look way younger, and the black is kind like Nabiki Tendo's helmet cut. Choosing Nabiki, I slid it on and primp in the mirror for a few seconds before grabbing the grey one and walking back into the bedroom. There's a whistle courtesy of Raijin.

"If you weren't a guy, I would totally pin you down, ya know," he tells me. I'm sure that was meant as a compliment, but… Well, let's just leave it at that.

Surprisingly, Fujin let's me put the wig on her head. I arrange it so that her eyepatch is covered. It actually ends up making her look exotic, like those women from the old gumshoe movies. I think everyone is amazed at how well she turned out. Everyone except Fujin herself, that is. She hasn't really gotten a look. To fix that problem, I direct her to the vanity I was leaning against earlier. She balks at first, but then touches her cheek with one hand and the mirror with the other, as if to make sure that both are real.

"I would apply some makeup for you, but we really don't have time," I say I grab the bombshell and giant elf by the arms. Raijin stands up with a wince and Fujin (unwillingly) departs from the mirror. The first one to stick a head out into the hallway is Raijin. He tells us that it's safe to go, so Fujin and I stroll out with no problems.

It's pretty much smooth sailing until we reach the last door of the castle. You see, I was right about everyone's attention being on Fujin. They all pointed and whispered at her, and she became uncharacteristically self-conscious, almost hiding behind Raijin as we walked, which only made them talk more. Now can I dress a woman or what?

Unfortunately, our path is blocked by my obsessed fiancée. Kodachi points at me and shouts my name, drawing the attention of the people around.

"RICHARD!" I really want to claw her, more for using that horrid name than ruining my escape, but I don't. "How dare you try to leave me behind again? We are meant to be, my love, and I will not let you pass."

I prepare to say something, but then another angry female speaks up. "Rick? You're leaving again without saying something to me?"

Jessica steps into view and stands beside Kodachi, her arms folded over her chest. Don't these two hate each other? It just goes to show how wonderful I can be at times, I guess. My awesomeness can bring together even the most hateful of enemies. Of course, that's in resistance to me, but isn't everything? Seems to be these days.

"I didn't want to put you in the position of having to lie my parents. And it's hard for me to say goodbye," I tell her despite the fact that it's a lie. Truthfully, I had completely forgotten to say anything to anybody. I just didn't want it to get out that I would be running off. That, and I really hadn't planned on it until, like, forty-five minutes ago.

"I know when you're lying, Richard!" Kodachi yells. "You were going to run off with that harlot! I'll never let that happen."

Who's the harlot? Fujin? Must be, because she's ripped the wig off and is charging across the room. She dives at Kodachi, who jumps out of the way, and ends up taking Jessica down. Neither woman is too happy about this, because Jessica punches Fujin in the face to get her off and Fujin retaliates with a headbutt. Ow.

Kodachi lands beside me and latches onto my arm. "Now we'll be never apart."

"Leave me alone, you psycho!" I order as I start beating her with the large purse, but it has no effect. Nothing else works, so I stomp her foot with my rather sizeable heel. She wails and lifts me up (why are all of these women so strong?), throwing me into Raijin. Why do I keep ending up in a heap on the floor with this guy?

"Leave Rick alone, you nut!" Jessica yells as she shirks Fujin off and tackles the gymnast. Kodachi's face makes contact with a cement column, but Fujin isn't done because she kicks Jessica in the small of the back. The redhead elbows Fujin in the chest and slams Kodachi into the shortest of the warriors.

Tired of being the one thrown around, Kodachi pulls out her ribbon and wraps it around Jessica's throat. The two struggle for a few moments while Fujin recollects herself enough to jump over Jessica, grab the ribbon, and jerk it so that they fly into each other.

"Is it always like this with you?" Raijin asks after we've separated. We just kind of stand there and watch the violence.

"Yeah. I bring out the best in people, I guess," I respond with a flinch. Kodachi just bit Fujin's shoulder. That's going to bruise rather well.

The meaningless violence continues for a few more minutes, and someone taps me on the shoulder. "Rick? Why are you in your funeral dress?"

I turn around and see Tifa looking at me rather sadly. She must have figured out what I was trying to do. That doesn't bother me as much as the knowledge that this is _my_ dress. What the heck was I doing here while I was on Earth?

"Um…" I nudge Raijin in the side. He looks at me and I nod to the door. He grabs Fujin from the chaos, effectively ending it. Good thing, too, because that poor dress has been all but shredded, and she's showing more skin than even I would have anticipated. One of the shoulder straps is missing, so she's using a hand to hold it up. Turning back to Tifa, I give her a quick hug. "I love you, but there is something I have to do."

Then I let go, give Jessica a smile, Kodachi a glower, and run for the hills. I crash through the doors, the heat of the blistering sun a sudden change from the coolness of the castle. I don't know why I didn't notice it earlier. Anyway, Raijin and Fujin are waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. I shout for them to wait up, because I can hear Kodachi summoning knights to capture me. As soon as I reach the stairs, though, my foot comes down wrong and I end up falling the entire way down, and there are quite a few stairs along the way. Ow. Ouch. Oof. Ow.

"Come on. They're going to catch us, ya know," Raijin says as he unceremoniously throws me over his shoulder. I watch as Tifa follows the tin cans and Kodachi out the door, but stops at the top of the steps. She looks on sadly. I feel sorry for the pain I'm causing her, because she's been nothing less than wonderful in the time I've been here, but this isn't my life anymore. My life is running around with Zidane and the others, having fun and trying to save the world. Or is it back on Earth with the friends and family I grew up with? I just don't know anymore. The only thing I do know is that Kodachi isn't giving up, because she's now leaping from rooftop to rooftop. The guards are long gone. They're probably nothing more than overweight, middle-aged men anyway. If Steiner's any indication, that is.

Fujin grins at me and pulls her chakram out. I do not know where she was hiding that thing, and I don't want to.

Anyway, she lets it fly just as Kodachi uses her ribbon to swing over a particularly large gap between buildings. It hits the ribbon, shreds it, and Kodachi falls to the ground. I don't see where she lands. I hope it hurt.

Catching it expertly as it comes back, Fujin tightens her grip on the chakram and speeds ahead of Raijin and me. We pass through the gate, which hasn't been raised. Something tells me someone's going to get it for letting me escape.

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A/N: Well, mission accomplished. We have the return of stupid Rick, and he's even in drag! There was a little bit of angst with the whole Tifa bit, but I feel very proud of how it turned out. The next one will be mostly stupid, just the way I like it, but you can definitely expect one heck of a twist to come, and it won't have a thing to do with the Drifter madness…


	23. And Two Become One

Chapter 23: And Two Become One

A/N: Well, can I welcome you back to the actual plot? This is Rick's return to the actual goings-on of FFIX. It's also his reunion with Zidane and the others. The last four chapters were a fun little break for me to write, but there's always more time to delve into Rick's past. And what a sordid past it is. Let us not forget that the dresses he and Fujin are wearing actually belonged to his other self.

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Someone tell me why I chose the heels. I just HAD to have the heels. Well, while you're trekking across the world, you do not want to be doing it in two-inch heels. Or black. This dress has absorbed so much heat that my armpits are wetter than Peggy Bundy after watching the Rob Lowe sex tape. But I digress.

The three of us, Raijin, Fujin, and myself, are standing at the base of the big tree that is Cleyra. There are no harsh winds surrounding it, so I'm assuming that the invasion has either already begun or is about to. Seeing as how there aren't any soldiers around… Yeah, things aren't looking too good.

I shoulder the much lighter purse and walk ahead of my friends with the courage that only I could possess. What with me being so wonderful and all.

"Isn't there supposed to be some sort of tornado or something surrounding this place?" Raijin asks as he and his silent partner begrudgingly start to follow. "I thought there was, ya know. That's why we've never been here. Isn't it, Fujin? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's why we've never been here, because we've been all over the Mist Continent."

He continues to blather on, but I'm not listening. It takes a lot of concentration to walk in sand when you're wearing high heels. You're probably wondering why I don't just take them off, aren't you? Well, while I may hate walking in them, these things do make me appear taller than I actually am. Two inches, in fact.

The events of yesterday are still horribly impressed into my memory. All of that wonderful Aerith "you were born on Gaia, but raised in a world that you didn't belong in" crap, the Angelo weirdness, finding out my parents are people that I never actually thought could be real… And the escape. Fujin hasn't said anything about the fight with Kodachi and Jessica, and I'm not bringing it up. Raijin tried to after he let me down, which was after we'd put quite a bit of distance between us and the castle, but she just pummelled him mercilessly. I'd had enough beatings by crazy women for one day, and I'm sincerely hoping that doesn't happen today, but I have the whole Beatrix thing to look forward to.

Fujin isn't in that poor, shredded dress anymore, either. When we got back into the Mist, which was after a few hours of walking, she changed into the clothes that I had stuffed in to the purse. Deciding that the dress was beyond saving, I decided to just put the sandals into the sizable handbag.

Anyway, all of that was yesterday, and this is today. I'm with Fujin and Raijin, and we're preparing to climb into a probable warzone. And I still can't get out of my the head the fact that I told Tifa I love her. And not in the way that I love Zidane. This was the love that a child holds for a parent, but I can't have that for someone I don't know. Someone who didn't raise me. I wonder if the other Rick is having this much trouble adapting to my old life on Earth?

There aren't any monsters attacking us, which is probably a really bad thing. That means that either something big and scary has already come along and killed them, or something incredibly big and scary has scared them all off. I don't want to face something big and scary. Short and scary is enough, thank you. Stupid Fujin.

"Ow," I mutter for what has to be the eighth time as I stumble. Raijin and Fujin look at me, and the thought of getting a piggy-back ride from the big dingbat comes to mind, but I dismiss it. Even I'm not that lazy.

It is so hot. I believe I've already mentioned that, but some things need repeated. It even got so bad earlier this morning that I had to ditch the wig because my head just got so hot. Lucky for me, though, the blue paint was gone when I took the wig off. It must've been a combination of sweat and the wig interior, because I looked at the thing and noticed that the wig had soaked up the paint. Then I threw the wig to the wind. So now, I'm just a short, bald guy running around a desert tree house in a dress and high heels. Those rednecks would love this…

NO! They aren't just rednecks. They're my family. Even if I never felt like one of them, they treated me like I was one of them, and they're more than a convenient comedic device. They're the people who raised me, the ones I grew up with. The people of Gaia, the ones in Ascantha, they don't know me and I don't know them. I'm just somebody they think they know. Although, I must say, when it comes to shoes the person they knew has excellent tastes.

We round a corner and the smell of rotting flesh hits us like an angry redheaded woman does a white-haired playboy. And that was an oddly specific analogy.

There's the corpse of a rather large, black bird. Zuu, I think it's called. I can remember fighting that thing in FFX after Tidus wakes up in the desert. That was a very weird comparison to draw, too, seeing as how Lulu was also in that fight, wearing a black dress in a desert. But that's probably just something bothering me.

"That's stinks, ya know," Raijin comments as he covers his nose. I roll my eyes as I follow his example and pinch my nostrils shut. It cuts out quite a bit of the nastiness, but it doesn't get rid of the actual body. But if the thing is rotting, it must have been here for a while. If that's the case, then why hasn't the tree blown up yet? Unless this is one of Zidane and Freya's conquests. Why didn't I include Vivi and Quina in that analogy? Well, I just don't want to think of my little buddy killing things, and Quina would have eaten it before killing it. So, yeah, Zidane must have done this. That must mean that the Alexandrian military isn't here, yet, because they would've moved it out of the way so that the black mage forces can travel up to the actual city unhindered. Unless they get there by using that teleporting thing, but I only saw that used once during the game, and that was to get them onto the Red Rose. Whatever happened to the airship, anyway? If only I'd played the game all the way through! Not only am I running from my responsibilities in Ascantha, I don't even have the knowledge I need to complete the next to impossible task that I could have done if I'd just told my father to send the army out here.

Did I just call Cloud my father? Jerry Springer will so be having a show dedicated to me if I get back to Earth. I only say that because Oprah's too wonderful to lower herself to show the worlds my insanity. Did I say worlds? Gah. Someone hit me.

With help from the two seasoned adventurers, I step around the large body without actually stepping on it. I must also say that I'm surprised I didn't fall. Usually my body decides to do the opposite of what I want it to.

"Thanks," I say as I brush some sand from the hem of my dress.

We really don't say much. And by "we" I mean Fujin. Raijin and I are having a rather meaningful discussion on whether I should continue to wear the dress or not when the opportunity to change arises. I personally can't decide. You have to be a certain type of person to do drag all the time. While I'm sure I could easily pull it off, I just don't know if I want to limit my wardrobe to one style of clothing. Maybe the other Rick had that type of realization. It would explain why Tifa didn't seem weirded out by the fact I was in a dress, despite the fact that her husband was well known on Earth for being a Macho guy. Unless you talked to the rabid yaoi fangirls who insisted that He get it on with Zak, Sephiroth, or Cid. Or, in some of the more graphic cases, all three. Boy am I glad this isn't a story made up by somebody with nothing better to do.

"But it looks good on you, ya know. Don't get me wrong, you're not my type, but that doesn't change the fact that black is your colour," Raijin insists as tries to tell me to stay in women's clothes and assert the fact that he's straight. Well, I know for a fact that Raijin's into women. He's stupid, and only stupid people like women in a romantic sense. Seriously, have you ever listened to locker room conversations? Ugh. A cardboard cutout of Pamela Anderson has deeper insight into the world than teenage boys. Myself excluded, of course.

"Yes, I look hot in the dress," I agree with a sigh. "But I look good in everything. That's why I want to wear something more manly. How the heck am I supposed to get Zidane's attention if I just put on a mini-skirt and low-cut top? Although that does seem to be his type…"

The tall moron and his silent cohort both give me shocked looks, but only Raijin speaks. "Zidane? But I thought that you were seeing Michael."

Oh crap. Did I really just do that? Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap. How do I get out of this one? DO I even want to get out of this one? I mean, it was going to come out sooner or later. Things like this have a tendency to do that. Especially for me, because life just hates me like that.

"Um, you heard nothing. You… heard… nothing…" I mutter as I wave my index finger in front of his face rather slowly. Unless he's one of those minds that are too simple for hypnosis. Or I'm just that a very good hypnotist. Either way, I just don't want to have this conversation.

"What are you doing?" Raijin asks as he knocks my hand away. "Do you have a crush on Zidane or something? I mean, that's okay, ya know. I have one on Xu, and Fujin has one on…"

Before he can tell me whom she might be romantically interested in, Fujin does a rather swift upward kick to Raijin's chin. Ouch. Then she grabs me by the front of the dress and starts running, not even bothering to wait for her partner to catch up. "HURRY!"

"What for?" I ask despite the fact I'm completely grateful for the break in conversation. Thank Hyne for Raijin's stupidity. Yes, I'm completely aware that Gaia's deity is named Olga, but… Well, some things just should never be said aloud.

Raijin catches up with us rather quickly, and then I smell it. This is not a body odour joke. The scent of smoke is wafting towards us. There are sounds of battle, and I more than recognize some of them.

We reach the entrance to the actual city of Cleyra. Zidane and Freya are locking battle with some black mages while Quina, in an attempt to be useful, watches over Vivi and a couple of rat-faced priestesses. I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course.

After the mages fall, I catch Zidane's eye. He smiles for a glimmer of a moment before frowning. "Princess? What are you doing here?"

"Honey!" I shout as I run to him with my arms wide open. Just as I reach him, though, something connects with my head. "Ow? What was that for?"

"For being stupid," Zidane comments as he retracts his hand.

"But I didn't do anything!" I argue despite the fact that the surviving Burmecian soldiers are dying in a futile attempt to save their _relatives_.

Zidane smirks before pulling me into a hug. Then I get the noogie treatment. "Princess, you showed up in a dress, so I know you did something stupid. Now if you don't mind, we kind of have to save this place from destruction. Raijin, Fujin, if you would please escort his royal highness to the building at the very top."

Raijin nods to Zidane before picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder again. Of course, I kick and scream, but it doesn't do any good. Traveling with Fujin must have given him a rather high pain threshold. Freya just gives me a rather pitiful look that shows she doesn't think much of me. While I'm being drug away, Zidane whispers something in Fujin ear. It must not have been an invitation to a night of sweaty sex, because she just looks at Vivi before beckoning the little guy over in a motherly, very un-Fujin way. Freaky.

Anyway, my little quartet leaves, me screaming my lungs out to be let down, of course. Zidane, Freya, and Quina run off in the opposite direction to try to save some of the townspeople. The two priestesses come with us, since we're going some place safe, but really don't say anything.

We (well, _they_) run through the battlefield in an attempt to avoid getting involved in a clash, not that it does any good. Unlike the videogame, where it was just black mages, there are Alexandrian soldiers fighting the Burmecian resistance as well, and they're what decide to hinder our progress.

Three of them demand that we stop, and one looks at me funny. Not in the whole "is that guy in a dress?" funny, either. This is more of a "do I know him?" kind of funny. Raijin drops me unceremoniously, and takes out one rather easily with his battle staff. Leaving her chakram out of it, Fujin incapacitates the other two with a series of kicks and punches. Neither warrior goes for the killing blow, which bothers me. I'm not wanting the soldiers dead, but why do these two people, who fight dragons and such for a living, feel the need to let these people live? They didn't seem to care if people lived or died in the FFVIII videogame. Then again, these aren't the same guys as the ones from that world. Well, Fujin might be, but Raijin isn't.

We continue the rest of the way unhindered, and I honestly cannot understand how. We take shelter in the building, where the Burmecian king, Puck, and some other rodent-people are in refuge. The king looks at me oddly, but doesn't say anything.

"Raijin, Fujin," I say as I try to get their attention after safely delivering the priestesses and Vivi. This is something I need to say before Zidane and Freya get here. Vivi looks at me, but wanders over to Puck to converse with his old _friend_.

"WHAT?" she demands when they get close. Raijin doesn't say anything, and their sudden role-reversal catches me off guard.

"Could you guys not tell anyone about Ascantha?" I whisper. Then, with a look to Raijin, I ask them to keep the whole 'catching Zidane's eye' thing under wraps as well. The tall guy has a disappointed grin to say the least.

Then I hear the screams and run to a window. I see Zidane and the others are surrounded by mages, and while I wouldn't mind for Quina to blasted to Kalamazoo (not that it actually exists here), the thought of something happening to my monkey is a depressing one. Hopefully Fratley will show up like he's supposed. There can't have been a thing that I could have done to prevent his arrival, since Puck's here like he should be, but you never know. Heck, it might not even be Fratley. It could be Ukyo, Ranma, or even Inuyasha who comes to save them. Although I don't see Freya as the type to date crossdressers (of either sex), or half-demon pretty boys. Seriously, give me Sesshomaru over his brother any day. Then you'd definitely hear some howling. Not that you needed to know that…

Of course, much to my disappointment, the mighty rat warrior jumps from the roof of the building I'm currently in and slashed the mages in half with his mighty halberd. There wasn't much opportunity to see what it was in the game, since this is the only scene of him I actually played far enough to see, but being here in person, I can definitely tell what kind of weapon it is.

There's some talking between the party of survivors (I notice that the two children and there mother are there, while the priestesses aren't. unless they're the same ones who came up with us) and Fratley before all of them run into the building. As soon as they do make it in, the door is slammed shut and. Running away from the window to see them, I notice Zidane grabs a nearby chair and thrusts it under the handle since there isn't a lock. Stupid pacifist Cleyrans.

"Geez, Honey," I mutter as I run over to my friend and wipe his sweaty brow with the sleeve of my dress. "You look like you've been through a warzone."

He laughs at my little joke as I help him up the steps. One of his arms is around my shoulder, but the other is clutching his ribs, and we have to move slowly because he's obviously in pain.

After we conquer the stairs, not really paying much attention to Freya's little drama about her amnesiac lover, I help him into a chair and look over at Raijin. He has a small grin on his lips but doesn't say anything. Fujin's just taken up my post by the window. somehow, knowing that they're here, I'm not as worried about the inevitable confrontation with Beatrix as I should probably should be.

"So, what've you been up to?" Zidane asks with a chuckle before grabbing as his ribs again. I ask for a potion, but nobody has anything. Not even Raijin and Fujin. If I thought Quina had, I'd ask him/her to use White Wind on Zidane, but I'm fairly certain that s/he's as useless as ever. Instead, I just look at the stupid Materia on my arm. How many times have I read fanfiction that describes using it as simply thinking about the magic happening and it happens? Well, that isn't the case here. My eyes just narrow in concentration, but nothing happens. Wonderful. I really am just as useless as Quina. But at least I'm not as ugly. Even bald and in drag, I have to say I'm pretty hot. Zidane so does not have a clue what he's missing out on. Not that I've actually _offered_ him anything, but… Well, that's an issue for another, less stressful time. "Princess, are you okay?"

Noticing that I hadn't answered his question, I look away from the useless green rock and to my buddy. "I'm fine, Honey. I'm just worried about you. You're hurt."

"Are you kidding? I'm far too tough for some black mages to bother me. It's nothing," he boasts as he slaps his stomach before doubling over. Of course, I had to fall for the stupid, egotistical one. It really amazes me how some people can just be in love with themselves to such an insane degree. Seriously, you'd never hear me brag about myself like that.

While Zidane and I are making pointless small talk, everyone else is discussing things of much greater value. The king is talking to the head religious dude of Cleyra, and Freya's trying to jog some memories out of Fratley. Then Puck yells something at Fratley before taking off, the powerful knight in tow. I don't remember if that's exactly how it happened in the game, but I feel sorry for Freya nonetheless. Yeah, she doesn't like me in this reality, but she was still one of my favourite characters when this was just a game, so it isn't as easy for me to hate her as it is for Steiner or Quina. Or Kodachi. I really hate Kodachi. Why in the heck would my parents engage me to such a lunatic?

Then Fujin screams. Everyone is disarmed by that. Not because it's a scream from Fujin, because that's how she talks and all, but because it's a scream of FEAR coming from Fujin. She backs away from the window and it explodes as a figure in a long, white-ish tan jacket crashes through it. Excuse me, but isn't that supposed to be Beatrix's entrance? Why is Seifer here?

"Did you really think that you could stop me?" he asks the room, but nobody in particular. Then he catches sight of Zidane and me. "Hmm, a boy with a tail? Might you be the one the General beat in Burmecia? I'm surprised you're alive. Don't worry, though, I'm not here for a fight. Unless you want one, that is."

Someone sure is cocky.

He strides over to a harp I hadn't noticed before and uses his sword (no gunblade, which kind of makes sense) to pry a red stone loose. Normally, I wouldn't care as red isn't my colour and it's not my rock, but this is the one that unleashes Alexander, so I'm kind of worried. If there are other drifters out there with the knowledge of this world, and unknowingly informs one of these nuts about the eidolon, then there could be some very big trouble up ahead.

Just about everyone is too scared to move, or too beaten. Zidane makes to get up in an attempt to stop the other blonde, but I sit on his lap to hold him down because, well, a guy favouring his ribs really shouldn't be fighting. The fact that I want to be sitting in his lap has absolutely nothing to do with it.

I try to catch Fujin's eye, but she's too busy staring at Seifer with a look of… Well, it's one that I can't read. Not that I expected to be able to. She is kind of hard to read, after all. Unless you're looking for anger. She's awfully good at expressing that. Still, this man was her only other friend in FFVIII, and now he's in the position of enemy. It's not exactly the kind of thing I would want to experience.

"If that's all, I'll be seeing you. Or not. Depends on just how long you live," he boasts before walking calmly to the stairs. Then Raijin laughs and runs after him, obviously too stupid to realize just who this man is. Seifer Spins around, thrusts his weapon out, and shows just why he was the only one capable of being Squall's main nemesis. Screw Ultimecia. She just wasn't as cool as Edea or even Adel.

Raijin spits up blood as Seifer twists the sword in his stomach before ripping it up and out of the tall warrior through the shoulder. I turn away and hide my face in Zidane's chest at the sight of my friend all but being cut in two. This time it's not in some pseudo-flirty way, either.

"NO!" Fujin screams and I hear glass break. I'm sure I could help him if I only knew how to use this accursed Materia. Damn it! This can't be happening. He can't be laying just feet away from me, dying or possibly already dead just because I'm too pathetic to do anything to help him. This is the worst thing to happen since I woke up here. Compared to this, the whole thing with Elena and Dagger just seems so pointless and immature.

Zidane attempts to comfort me by rubbing my back, but I push away. He grunts in pain. I open my eyes and look at Raijin's lifeless form. We'd only spent a couple of days together, if you don't count the time I was unconscious, but he was one the best friends I'd ever had in my life. Looking at Fujin, I see that she is cradling a bleeding hand. There's also a second broken window nearby. She's not crying, though. I wonder if she forgot how.

"He…" I sob as I approach her, just to be pushed away. I trip over something unseen and fall into a warm and sticky puddle. My hand brushes against Raijin's body and I cry out like I'm the one that had been stabbed. As much as this is affecting me, though, it can't even come close to Fujin's emotional turmoil. She just watched one friend kill another as though it were nothing. Seifer isn't even here anymore. I don't know when he left, but I don't really care either. Raijin is DEAD!

"Come on, Princess." Zidane offers me a hand up. After I stand, he pulls me into a hug. We break apart and I see that I got blood all over his clothes, which means it must be on me even worse.

Freya, Quina, and Vivi walk over to us. For once, Freya doesn't look annoyed by my presence. "He was strong and brave."

"This isn't the time for a eulogy," I choke out, trying to force myself to remember that Seifer's getting ready to leave, and that if we don't follow him we'll miss our chance to escape before the tree explodes. "We have to follow him."

Nobody says anything. I walk back to Fujin, and this time she doesn't push me away. She's just oddly mute. I take her hand in my own, but she doesn't respond when I give her a comforting squeeze. The time to mourn will come soon enough. If don't leave now, we'll be dead, too.

My little party stumbles out, followed by Fratley and Puck. The Burmecian Prince climbs onto the warrior's shoulders and they begin to run in the direction opposite us, leaping over the building. Off in the distance, Seifer gives that little wave of his before a flashing light envelopes him and he disappears. We all begin to run as that same light overwhelms the mages that had us surrounded. Zidane jumps into the afterglow of the first without a thought before vanishing. Freya is soon to follow, and then Vivi. I'm last, because Fujin doesn't really want to move. It's not like I can leave her behind, though. We have a bond. In addition to being Drifters, I've come to think of us as almost friends.

Teleporting is not fun. Especially when there's two of you, not that I know how it feels to do so when there's only one person. Meh, that's not important. What is important is the fact that that stupid little pod thing that I arrive in is very cramped and I feel the need to vomit. Not wanting to do it on Fujin, I scramble out of that thing as soon as I can and hang over the railing. Hopefully, my puke ends up landing on the doorstep of the Dali Inn.

I scan the party of people after I finish "taking care of business." It's the three from the game, Fujin, and myself. Not much of a surprise really. Quina was probably left below. There would be a remark about how I wish the stupid thing would blow up along with the tree, but… Yeah, it hasn't even been five minutes since Raijin was killed. Somehow, that kind of joke seems inappropriate at the moment.

"Where are we?" Zidane asks as he looks around at the airship.

"In the sky, Honey," I tell him softly as I help a reluctant Fujin out of the pod. She sits on the nearby stairs and puts her head between her legs. There's a flash of light and someone exits one of the pods. It's a woman in the dress of an Alexandrian soldier. Before she can do anything, though, Freya lifts her up and chucks her overboard effortlessly. That kind of seemed like overkill if you ask me, but the important thing is making it to Alexandria Castle in time to kill, erm, I mean "save" Dagger.

Zidane and Freya begin debating just what we should do next when there's a long, evil laugh. Everyone looks around, but there's nobody in sight. I, of course, know who it is. Brahne is being all evil and fat. Freya helps Zidane up and they go up the stairs with Vivi in tow. I opt to stay with the emotionally comatose Fujin. Listening to the sack of evil really doesn't seem like it'd do much good for either of us.

"Are you okay?" I ask Fujin as I rest a hand on her shoulder. She doesn't hit, kick, or reject me in any violent way at all. That doesn't feel like a good thing.

She doesn't answer.

The two of us just sit in silence, the wind blowing her hair from her face. I don't have hair to be blown anymore. Steiner's going to get it, too. Well, it isn't completely gone. I have grown enough hair that if I were back on earth people would say I have a buzz cut. But it'll take awhile to get back to my former glory.

I don't see it because of my position, but I hear the sounds of Odin's attack.

When the others come back, Zidane looks pale. Vivi and Freya can't exactly do that, what his lack of a face and her fur, but they look frightened, too.

"Come." Freya gestures to the pods. Oh, I'm so looking forward to that again. NOT! They wander over to them kind of stiffly before jumping in. Either Raijin's death is beginning to affect them, Odin's destruction was Cleyra was too much to handle, or they just learned of Dagger's impending doom. Something tells me it's the latter.

Grabbing Fujin's hand again, I stand and follow our friends. The prospects of my immediate future don't seem like much fun.

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A/N: Well, it ended weakly, but I'm sure this chapter had the impact I had hoped for. Look forward to the next chapter, as Rick finally catches up with those who wronged him in Lindblum!


	24. Reunions

Chapter 24: Reunions

A/N: Here we are: the chapter that everyone has been looking forward to since Rick woke up in Chapter 15. Has it really been that long? Wow. Nine or so chapters later, and I've managed to completely flip up Rick's reality (yes, I am aware of the reference), kill off a rather well-liked character, and introduce several others into this bizarrely meshed world. Plus, he admitted to Angelo that he was in love with Zidane, so we have all kinds of awkward stupidity to look forward to with that. Not that the denial wasn't fun.

So nothing important really happening.

Anyway, I'm here to give out some good pimpage for other fanfics. If you like SIs with idiots for protagonists, then you'll want to check out Animesage's Tales of Symphonia fic "The Fox Meets Sylvarant." His OC Kaoru has already made an appearance in this fic, as I'm sure you've noticed. And a buddy of mine has a FFVIII/Silent Hill fic (in the FFVIII section, naturally), its name escapes me, but her S/N is currently Sorceress Selphie Kuoko. And that's about it, so…

READ AND REVIEW!!!

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Despite the fact that I knew I was going to end up back here… Something about Alexandria Castle makes my skin crawl. I don't know why, seeing as how the last time I was here I met up with Zidane and the others. Maybe it's because I know that we're going to get the crap beaten out of us by Steiner and Beatrix. Well, Steiner's hatred is reserved more for Zidane and me than anyone else, but it could still get ugly. Beatrix, though, is something that's nagging at my brain. She's not the type to sit back and let others do her dirty work. In fact, she just about said so in the game. Something about not needing the power of the Black Mages because of the strength of the military. Don't take me at my word, though, as it has been awhile since I've played the game. So why did she let Seifer lead the attack at Cleyra? He did say something about the "General" beating up Zidane and the others in Burmecia. I'd ask them about it, but then I'd have to reveal my (questionable) foreknowledge.

Fujin is aware of the world around her, now, but she's still a little withdrawn. She isn't speaking. While the casual observer may just say that's just Fujin being Fujin, I would have to disagree completely. This silence isn't like her usual muteness. The lack of sound is oppressive, smothering.

That's why I'm glad Zidane's here. He may not be able to break the silence as easily as Raijin could, but you've got to give him credit for trying. "What do you guys say we get drunk after this? I need a night of liquor and ladies after today."

My hand collides with his head angrily. I take back the whole giving him credit bit. Just because I'm in love with him doesn't make Zidane any less of an idiot. "Do you think you can be serious, as opposed to depraved, for even one minute?"

After rubbing his temple, Zidane kicks my shin. Ow. Isn't that Fujin's job? Oh, right, she's all dejected. "Knock it off, Princess. We're here to rescue Dagger, remember?"

I nod before stomping his foot with my heel. What? It worked on Kodachi.

While he hops around in pain, Freya reminds us of the urgency of our mission. We're here to "rescue" the princess. And of course, by "rescue, she means beat, torture, and force to wear neon colours. Or is that just my mission?

We start down the stone path at a rather past pace. Unsure of where we're going, everyone looks at me for guidance. Like I know where they're keeping Dagger. Well, I do, but not for the reasons they think.

"You were a knight here, Princess," Zidane points out. And I thought I was bad about out the obvious. "Where are the dungeons?"

"Do you really think they would imprison the princess of a kingdom in the dungeons? No, it's more likely she's been hidden away in some secret passage or something."

He gives me a look of pleading. For some reason, he actually wants to save her. "I know you're not happy with her, but that doesn't mean she deserves to die."

"Yes she does," I argue. Then there's a roar and the clinking of metal. Oh crap. My feet are lifted off the ground rather suddenly and I go flying into a nearby wall. Zidane shortly follows. At least Rusty got him, too. Ow.

"Do not speak ill of the Princess!" Steiner roars as he charges at me with the sword. Nice to see some things haven't changed. Good ole Rusty: psychotic and monosyllabic. Well, aside from the whole "Princess" thing, but that's probably the most complex word he understands. Stupid Steiner.

Faster than my eyes can follow, someone snaps into action. Steiner goes flying into the air and lands face-first on the floor, his rusty sword clattering harmlessly beside him. She breathes heavily as she stands back up. Fujin is mad.

"FOOL!" she screams before lifting him, something nobody could have thought possible, and slamming him back onto the floor. This continues for a while. I just turn to Zidane and laugh as the shorter psycho takes out her frustration and grief on the larger psycho.

"Fine, Honey. You win," I wince as I stand up. "There's a rumour about some sort of hidden room in Brahne's chamber. She might be there, but I'm not promising anything."

"Thanks," he breathes as he pulls me into a hug that makes me melt. His arms around me… it just feels good. Why was I in denial about this for so long? Why haven't I pulled him aside and confessed all of my mushy romantic feelings? "I don't know what I'd do if Dagger died."

Oh, that's why.

"OW! What was that for?"

"You're such an insensitive pig," I grumble as I stand up. With a nod, Fujin relents off Steiner. I don't know if he actually felt it, but Rusty's armour is all dented like a can of chicken soup in a bargain bin. "Let's go."

"Where did that come from?" Zidane asks as he rubs his ribs. Elbows are dangerous things. He should just be glad it wasn't the MCoDs.

"Do you want to save that stupid skank or not?" I shout, causing Steiner to yell again, but one look from Fujin calms him down.

"You sure do have a rather interesting following these days, Zidane," a new voice adds. I turn around and note that it's from one of those rhino-looking guys from Tantalus. Whether it's Benero, Zenero, or their brother Genero, I don't know. "Howdy Miss Freya."

"Benero," the rat lady nods. That answers that. Of course, that raises questions as to how the two know each other. Freya and Zidane do have an unknown history, I guess, so why not the rest of Tantalus? Stupid lack of knowledge. And isn't it supposed to be Marcus coming to save Blank? But isn't Marcus the one that got petrified? My head hurts.

Zidane suddenly cuts in. "Yeah, my minions here aren't that bad, except for the princess, that is," he brags before getting hit by several of us gathered. "Ow! What was that for?"

"IDIOT!" Fujin shouts before kicking him again.

"We're not your minions, Honey," I remind the monkey with a smack. Turning to Benero, I smile. "I apologize. He's been a little more stupid lately than usual."

The rhino nods his head inquiringly at Zidane. "Really? He seems as arrogant and self-centred as always. I've known him for years, you know."

"You wound me," the topic of the conversation gasps as he grabs at an invisible arrow somewhere around his heart.

"WE MUST RESCUE THE PRINCESS!" Steiner declares as he begins jumping up and down angrily. Why is everyone so obsessed with saving her? Who cares if she's Zidane's "one true love" and Steiner's charge? The annoying bimbo stole my satchel with clothes that actually make me look hot! For that she must pay, perhaps even with her life.

Forgoing anymore pleasantries, Benero nods at our party before running off towards the exit. At least, I think it's the exit. My knowledge of the terrain of Alexandria Castle isn't what it used to be. What with everything being real and all.

So Freya tells Steiner about my idea of a hidden room being in Brahne's room. Rusty looks at me nervously before confirming that such a room does indeed exist. Go me! I finally remembered something correctly! Rick isn't just a pretty face; he's a genius to boot. Naturally.

"So that's one of your brother people?" I ask Zidane as we begin running in search of Brahne's chamber. Seriously, heels were not made for running. Anyone who thinks otherwise is insane. I'm surprised an ankle hasn't been twisted yet or something. Stupid shoe-stealing Elena. Those shoes even matched this dress! Not as well as the heels, but it would've worked itself out.

"Yeah…" he says quietly. He's probably thinking about Marcus again. This is the first time we'd seen anyone from Tantalus since Evil Forest.

We make it out of the dungeon-area (if my memory is correct, that is), and are immediately assaulted by a trio of Alexandrian knights. Women, of course.

"Halt! You will pass no further!" one of them yells in that stereotypical NPC way. Not that they're NPCs. Still, I find that incredibly odd. Then again, Steiner has the same speech pattern.

Two of the women, one of them the yeller, slide into battle stances. The third smacks them in the head with the flat of her blade. Her hair is a shiny yellow and pulled into two large ponytails, one on either side of her head. I can picture the school uniform without even trying. As if to further prove my suspicion, the woman speaks.

"To protect Love and Justice, wars must be fought. Go heroes! Rescue the princess from her mother while I hold off these minions of evil!"

"Usagi?"

"Freya?" the blonde shouts with incredible perkiness that makes me want to wretch. She runs towards the rat-woman, but trips over her fallen comrades and falls face-first into the ground. Hah! I'm not the only klutz. Wait a minute… Is that a good thing? Pulling herself up to her knees, she looks up at our party. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question," the dragoon points out.

"Oh, I've just infiltrated the Alexandrian military for the Returners is all," the girl spouts off loudly. Way to maintain cover. Is this really the same person who saves Earth from the Dark Kingdom? Ugh. Aerith and I are having a serious talk if we ever meet up again. It's bad enough that I learned I'm a cross-dressing member of the royalty who's engaged to a total whack job in addition to my whole lineage thing, but now more and more recognizable faces are popping up for seemingly no reason. Just how many people on this planet exist in other realities that I know?

"Well, we'd best be going," Zidane tells Sailor Moon as he gives her the once-over. It takes all of my self-control to keep from throwing something at him. "Dagger won't exactly save herself."

Stupid worthless princess. Why is he falling in love with _her_?

Fujin hits Usagi in the head, knocking the girl unconscious so that she isn't exposed. We once again continue on our way, and I glance back at the only person who could make me feel coordinated. Unless Colette's here. But that's something for another day.

Our ragtag group makes its way through the castle's defences with little effort. Some of them run away, but the unlucky ones who chose to stay are systemically eliminated by Freya and Fujin's fighting prowess. Not that anyone is actually killed. While I doubt that either one is incapable of such and act, something tells me that it would be a last resort. Especially for Fujin.

After crashing through several doors and Steiner being used as a human battering ram, the door to Brahne's room is smashed open. Everyone immediately begins searching for some sort of hidden passage. Well, everyone except for me. I just stand there in the middle of the room and try to remember where the "handle" for the hidden door is. Is it the fireplace? The bedpost? No…

"The flowers!" I shout as my memory returns drastically.

"The what?" Zidane asks as I rush over to a vase on a nearby table. It's surprising nobody else has done anything with them. Seriously, all of my companions are so worthless.

A wall begins to slide away after I remove the vase from atop hidden switch. I am so clever. Anyway, we start running down the stairs when, for some unknown reason, I sneeze.

"ACHOO!"

"Geez, Princess, you catch a cold?" Zidane asks before laughing. "Or is your darling boyfriend swooning over you back in Lindblum?"

"Shut up!" I shout as I go to push him. He expertly dodges and, instead of the stupid monkey, I end up pushing Fujin. Uh oh. She looks back at me with her one eye narrowed. Before I move to escape, she snarls and grabs me by the front of the dress and launches me down the stone steps.

What they say is true. It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. Ow. Lucky for me, there are large stretches of stone between the levels of stairs, so it's not a repeat of my escape from Ascantha.

"Psycho women…" I mutter quietly as I climb to my feet, which is hard to do with the high heels. And somewhere along the way I lost track of the bag with those sandals Fujin had worn during her scuffle with Jessica and Kodachi.

"What was that, Princess?" Zidane asks when they catch up me.

"Idiot!" I shout as I kick him in the shin rather hard. Of course, I end up hurting my toes, so we're both hopping around in pain until Steiner angrily pulls out his sword and starts waving it around.

"FOOLS! You shall be the death of the Princess!" Rusty shouts before taking a swipe at my head. I would have ducked, if it weren't for the whole hopping on high heels thing weren't just a bit tricky.

Unbeknownst to me, I was rather close to the edge of the next set of stairs. Ow. Why does gravity hate me so?

Freya jumps down and helps me to my feet. Believe me when I say that I am not the only surprised party. Only Fujin and the giant rat herself seem to be unfazed.

"Let's go, Rick," she says as she gives me a little push forward.

The rest of the trip downward isn't as eventful as it could have been. Unless you count my twisted fantasies of various ways to torture Dagger for stealing my satchel. They range from putting her hand in water while she's asleep to using the MCoDs to remove her eyeballs while singing a select collection of songs from Shania Twain's repertoire. If only the removal of the eyeballs were the more painful of the latter experiences. Curse you voice and your monotone Ben Stein-ness!

We do finally get to the bottom of the stairs. Surprisingly, nobody is dead yet. That may change, though. You remember Zorn and Thorn not being at Gizamaluke's Grotto? Well, they're not here, either. Instead, we're going to end up reintroducing ourselves to Elena, Reno, and Rude again. She's also still wearing my shoes. Not to mention their backup of a good twenty or so black mages. I want my mommy… and I don't care which of the three it is.

"Look at who it is boys," Elena laughs as she recognises me, Zidane, and Fujin. Somehow, I doubt she remembers the other members of our party as well. "It's the biggest bunch of losers this side of the Alexandrian Plateau."

"The rest of the Knights of Pluto are here?" I inquire curiously as I look around before Steiner smashes a rusty fist into the back of my head. "Ow!"

Stupid Steiner.

"Um, dude…" Reno asks me with a cocked head. "Why are you in a dress?"

"Someone has to be the woman," Zidane answers on my behalf as he puts an arm around my shoulder. "I don't see any others around here, after all."

I never thought I would see the day when Fujin, Freya, and Elena all work together to savagely brutalize Zidane. Of course, I would attempt to get a few good kicks in there myself if it weren't for the fact that 2/3 of the attacker tend to hit me for no reason other than they want to.

"Now that that's out of the way…" Elena declares as she walks back to her comrades. Reno had better be glad everyone was too focused on Zidane's quivering body to notice his not-well-concealed laughter. "ATTACK!"

The black mages launch right into a series of Blizzard spells. Fujin and Freya easily jump over them (again, why are the women in this world so much more competent at fighting than the men?) while Steiner takes a couple full in the chest. His armour protects him from too much damage. Vivi is too short for the magic to reach him, and he half-heartedly returns fire with, well, a Fire spell. All of this stuff is flying over my head as I kneel down next to Zidane to see if he's still alive or something.

"Are you okay, Honey?" I ask as I prod him in the middle of a large fist-shaped, red mark on his cheek. It's going to bruise nicely if not treated. "You look kind of like Wynonna Judd's mug shot."

"Stop poking me," he orders as I help him sit up. Awkwardly, Zidane reaches into his front left pocket and retrieves a familiar looking liquid. After gulping the potion down, the thief stands up woozily and looks at me. "You go check on Dagger while I save the day.

"…and don't kill her."

He just had to add that last part, didn't he? Stupid Zidane. Anyway, I nod and begin to crawl away from the chaos and toward the unconscious princess. I hadn't noticed her at first, what with the shock of facing the Turks _again_. She's still up on some sort of dais, though.

"Wakey, wakey," I tell her in a sing-song voice as I lightly tap her cheek. The MCoDs are screaming for her blood. Being the honourable man I am, though, I just can't attack her while she's unconscious. Screams can't be elicited from the unconscious, after all. Still, I just can't ignore this opportunity laid out before me.

Fujin and Freya are keeping the three Turks at bay, barely, while the other three plough through the black mages. Zidane dodges a lightning bolt by flipping backwards over Steiner, who takes it full force. A few pieces of shrapnel (a.k.a. Steiner's armour) going flying outward and a couple small pieces land by me. Is anyone else happy about metal being such a good conductor?

Looking back to the evil skank-woman I'm supposed to be watching over, I notice something that almost makes me laugh. She really doesn't look at all like she used to. For starters, her dark hair is now a bright orange. Probably a side-effect of that red hair dye she used at the ball in Lindblum that actually made her hair purple. And her gag-inducing orange jumper? Gone. Instead, she's wearing that hideous Kurt Kobain-inspired outfit I picked up in Dali as a joke. She really does look like a lesbian in flannel, I must say. I knew enough back on Earth that I can easily pick them out. Why aren't high school boys as open-minded as high school girls, I wonder? Meh.

The tide of battle is turning as there are fewer and fewer black mages running around. Fujin is bleeding heavily from a nasty gash over her good eye and Zidane is holding his side, but the monkey has joined the two women in the more dangerous fight.

"You are so annoying," I tell the unconscious Dagger as I sit down next to her and watch the fighting.

Soon enough, all of the black mages have ceased functioning and it's five-on-three.

"We so aren't getting paid enough for this," Reno suddenly declares as he kicks Zidane away and just barely raises his Mag-Rod in time to block Fujin's chakram. "Let's go, guys."

Then, in true Turk fashion, they run away before the fight is finished. At the bottom of the exiting stairs, Rude turns to us and speaks for the first time. "You don't have to worry about us anymore. Turks don't hold vendettas, and we know when we should turn down offers that are out of our league."

With that, he vanishes up the stone steps with his partners. I would be happy about the outcome, but Elena still has my shoes! At least I didn't get beat up this time.

"Is that really Dagger?" Vivi asks when he sees the girl.

"Unfortunately," I mutter with contempt. Steiner glares at me but doesn't say anything.

Zidane kneels next to Dagger and picks something up. He looks it over before throwing it at me. The object smashes into my face. "I believe that is yours."

My… it's my satchel! My satchel has returned! Oh how I missed it so. After I finish hugging my magically enhanced man-purse, I open it. Nobody is paying any attention to me. Instead, they're all crowded around Dagger. Except for Fujin, who's standing off to the side and looking sad.

"She seems to be alive," Freya comments. She is? How disappointing.

"Thank the goddess Olga," Zidane adds. That causes me to twitch a little. Forgive me. I definitely wasn't the most religious person on Earth, but something just seems wrong when all of your friends are worshipping characters from _Hey Arnold!_ Ugh.

"Where is my money?" I shout angrily as I dig through crap I know that I hadn't put into the satchel. "Where is my outfit from the ball?"

Steiner proudly informs me that he, Dagger, and Benero spent all of my money on supplies in Treno, and then sold my outfit to some random noble when they were strapped for cash.

"I'll kill her!" I shout as I leap for Dagger with the MCoDs outstretched. I looked so hot in that thing! She is going to die!

The tips of the nails are only centimetres from the princess's face when someone gets a hold of me from behind and pulls me off the soon-to-be dead member of the royal family.

"Cool it, Princess," Zidane orders as he checks her over to make sure that she hasn't been harmed. Just you wait, little girl. Sooner or later there won't be two trained knights and a bunch of other fighters to protect you. I will have my vengeance for my incredibly hot outfit.

He picks her up and starts to run to the stairs. Steiner, Freya, and Vivi follow him. That means that Fujin is the one holding onto me. She waits until everyone else is gone before releasing me.

"What do you want?" I ask angrily as I whirl around and glare at her.

My first instinct is to cover my head when she raises her hand, but it's just to adjust her eye patch. She looks really sad. I wonder what's going through her mind.

"RAIJIN!" she declares needlessly.

Even I don't need some translator to understand what she's saying. She's trying to get across the point the fact that I should be happy to have been reunited with Dagger.

"Whatever," I tell her before running off to catch up with the others. Contrary to popular belief, I am happy to know that she's alive. Nobody's going to kill her as long as I'm around. That action is reserved for me.

Fujin and I reach the rest of the group at about the same time. Nothing is said the rest of the way up. Steiner isn't even complaining that it's Zidane carrying the stupid princess instead of him. I don't know what they're problems are. I'm just afraid of having Beatrix smash my face in.

"What do we do now?" Zidane asks when we finally get back to Brahne's room. He puts her on the little sofa thing by the "hidden" door. "She won't wake up."

A new voice answers him. "She won't wake up. An ancient and powerful spell was placed on the princess."

Everyone looks in the direction of the woman's voice. I'm afraid of Beatrix, but she's just too awesome to not look at. Unfortunately, it's not Beatrix. Unfortunately, you say? How could I use a term such as that? Well, I would definitely rather face her than this alternative.

Her hair is white; she has both eyes; a look of ethereal sadness is plastered on her face; and in her hand is a deadly looking sword. Who could this be, you ask? Surely you remember Celes from Final Fantasy VI. Perhaps the most able female swordsman from any Final Fantasy game ever created, I would have to say that only Beatrix is comparable. There is only one thing that Celes has on Beatrix, and I'm so hoping that it isn't in this world, too.

"Who did this to her?" Zidane shouts angrily as he takes up a battle stance, a dagger in each hand. "What did you do to her?"

"I remember you three," Celes says instead of answering him. She looks from Zidane to Vivi to Freya. "Yes, you were in Burmecia. Wasn't there a Qu with you as well? Never mind. It seems you have traded up." At this her eyes lock onto Fujin. "It's been awhile, hasn't it? How is Raijin, Darling?"

Darling? What the heck?

Fujin snarls but doesn't say anything. She just readies her chakram.

"I missed you, anyway." She sounds sad, rather than mocking. I'm going to have to ask Fujin what the heck this is about.

"This… woman?" Steiner shouts as the other knight with a wave of his sword. "She is your…"

"That is enough, Adelbert." Celes warns. Then her eyes lock onto mine. She smiles for a brief moment, but it vanishes as soon as it appeared. "Rick, I see you're as spectacular as always."

"Um… thank you?" I'm not surprised that she knows me, what with my having been a knight and all, but nobody at all, not even the Alexandrians, seem surprised to see me running around in drag. What kind of a knight was I? Geez, something tells me that things are going to end up getting a lot weirder around here.

Then things get a little crazy. Celes sweeps me to the side effortlessly with swat of the back of her hand before planting her foot into Steiner's face. Rusty wavers slightly before falling onto his behind. And she did all of this within the blink of an eye.

Zidane brings his daggers up just in time to avoid having his head cleaved off, but this also means that he can't dodge the kick to his abdomen. I scream as he goes flying into a wall.

Being the only offensive one, Freya leaps into the air. She thrusts her spear at Celes, but the knight was already moving before the dragoon had even jumped. The pointed end hits the floor, sending up sparks and bits of stone. Freya, unfortunately, falls to the floor as her spear is kicked out from under her. She lands on her feet effortlessly. She is acting purely on the defensive, though, as uses the staff-portion of her weapon to deflect various sword blows.

Recapturing his strength, Zidane charges at Celes. She spins out of his way and swipes at him with a knife. I forgot that she could fight with those, too.

"You're pretty good," the thief manages as he touches the long, bloody slice on his cheek. "Let's see how well you do against magic. VIVI, NOW!"

A large fireball flies at the knight as Zidane grins viciously. My guess is that the black mage learned Fira while we'd been separated, because this too strong to just be Fire.

Lazily, Celes continues her assault on Freya, stopping long enough to swap the sword and knife to the other hand. She raises the sword at the magical attack and it is absorbed into the blade. So, she can still use Rune after all. That isn't good. Not at all.

"What are you?" Freya shouts as she pushes her spear against Celes's knife, catching the knight slightly off guard. That's all the invitation Zidane needs as he runs at her again with both blades flashing. Celes just drops the knife, reaches her suddenly free hand out to the monkey, and uses his head to lift herself clear of any danger. When she comes back down, she uses her momentum to throw him into Freya.

"You're as pathetic as the last time," she mutters before looking over at Fujin. "And you… you're not going to fight me, are you? I always thought you were better than this. Perhaps it's a good thing we went our separate ways."

Separate ways? Did Celes and Fujin have a thing? Was the Magitek knight the person Raijin was going to tell me about back in Cleyra before Fujin beat the crap out of him? There are a lot of things that I'm going to need time to wrap my head around. A LOT of time.

Fujin doesn't look at Celes. In fact, she actively looks away as she sheaves her chakram. This is weird. I'm talking Rosie O'Donnell on her last day of _The View_ weird.

"What is your duty?" Zidane huffs as he tries, unsuccessfully, to stand up. "Aren't you supposed to protect Dagger?"

This time, it's Celes's turn to look away.

"We're not kidnapping her!" he pleads. "I don't care what happens to me, just save her!"

The pain on his face is almost as powerful as Celes's attacks. She looks from her sword to her princess. Then the weapon clatters to the floor harmlessly as the knight kneels next to Dagger.

I wonder if Zidane would act like this if it were me lying on that couch…

"I don't know if I can break this spell, but I'll try," Celes assures us a a violet light flows into her hands. She places one on Dagger's forehead and the other on her stomach.

"That's not going to work."

Once again, everyone (except for Celes, who is trying to revive Dagger) looks at a newcomer. Crap. It's Seifer. We're all wiped out from our fight with the first knight. I don't know if we can handle another one.

"So, the mighty General Celes is a traitor as well. And is that Richard I see? To think, I didn't recognize one of the pathetic Pluto Knights running around with all of those vermin at Cleyra. By the way, how's your big, stupid friend? He looked ready to fall apart when I left," he laughs evilly.

He… I clench the MCoDs angrily. Raijin's blood is still all over me. How dare he?

His eyes widen and Seifer raises his sword up to his face in time to block a large, circular blade. Fujin catches her chakram and screams out Seifer's name. He ducks under a wild blow, but her knee catches him in the nose. The knight swings his sword outward. She has to jump back to avoid having her midsection cut out, which gives him enough space to regain his composure and get back up on his feet.

"You made me bleed," he says calmly as he feels his nose. For some reason, I'm reminded of Kuja. "Nobody has ever made me bleed before. Nobody except for the General."

"Move, Seifer!" an authoritative voice demands. He does so, bowing along the way. Then Brahne steps into her room, flanked on both sides by some rather plain-looking female knights. "So, the rebels have decided to come out and play?"

Then she sees Celes and snorts.

"That won't do you any good. I have it on very good authority that my so-called daughter is under an unbreakable spell."

So-called? Is that how she justifies the things that she's done to Dagger? Yes, Brahne and I share a goal in wanting her dead, but this isn't someone that I raised like one of my own. She's just someone I learned actually existed a few weeks ago. This is Brahne's daughter for Hyne's sake! So what if they're not related by blood? Since when has something as trivial as that mattered?

"Your authority obviously wasn't as good as you thought," Celes says as she stands up, a groggy Dagger in tow. "Rick, I want you and the others to get out of here. I'll hold them off."

She retrieves her sword and faces Seifer. He just smirks and mirrors her stance. Then Freya stands on one side of the Magitek knight and Fujin on the other.

"Not alone you won't," the dragoon promises.

I climb to my feet and help Zidane up. Steiner is standing as well, somehow. Dagger leans on Rusty for support while Vivi lurks near the passageway to the dungeon.

"Run all you want, you can't es-OOF!" Seifer declares as he a black high heel falls from his face. "What the?"

"Just shut up!" I shout in frustration as I prepare the other one. Man, it feels good to be out of those things. "Now if you'll excuse us, we need to go away for a little bit."

"Kill them all!" Brahne orders as two large dog-like things charge into the room, joining Seifer as he and the two anonymous knights raise their weapons. I don't bother sticking around to see who the second shoe hits before running away. I do hear a rather fat cry of pain, but don't even allow myself the luxury of an evil smirk.

This time, as we make our down the stone steps, black mages start pouring out of doors that I hadn't bothered to note on my other trips on the stairs. Zidane and Steiner don't bother taking them all down, they just carve a path for us. Since they're busy with the fighting, it's up to me to help Dagger. Somehow, I manage enough self control to not give a little push to make the trip all that much faster. I'm not sure where Vivi is, but I can tell that he's nearby because large blasts of Fira rip through the enemy ranks.

"Richard!" Steiner shouts over the chaos when we finally reach the bottom. "See the princess to safety. I will hold these abominations of here!"

I don't need to see Vivi to tell just what kind of effect that statement had on his little psyche. "Are you crazy?" I reply.

"Come on, Princess!" Zidane cries. He grabs my wrist and pulls me, and Dagger by default, through a set of doors that we hadn't traveled through the first time we were down here. I catch sight of Vivi just ahead of us.

I let Dagger go, relighing the startled cry of her hitting the ground, as I slam the doors shut and pull the big wooden piece of wood that serves as a lock over the door. "It won't hold them long. How do we get out of here?"

"Just go straight," Dagger says, the first thing that she's said since waking up. "There should be a ride that'll get us to Treno."

That big cockroach thing? Gross!

Swallowing my pride, I help her back up and the four of us take off.

That… _thing_ is running around, but stops when Dagger pulls a lever. We climb into the little car hanging from its, um, "back." I guess the added pressure was a sign for it to take off, because we're moving like a rocket.

"Do you know anyone in Treno that might help us?" Zidane asks Dagger as we all sit to catch our breath.

"Well, there is Dr. Sage, but she's…" then she stops and looks up at the giant bug thing that we're riding. "We're not going in the direction for Treno. I did it exactly as she said. What's going on?"

"Um, could THAT have anything to do with it?" I scream as I point at something slithering up behind us. That's right, _slithering_. We are being chased by a giant snake. I forgot this part of the game why?

Everyone starts screaming, making the bug's travels more and more erratic. I close my eyes and cover my head as the car starts shaking dangerously. Someone starts yelling and there's a giant flare that seeps through my eyelids, but I try to block it out along with the images of me becoming snake food.

Then, before I know it, I hear a sound like a bullet. I know there aren't any guns in Gaia, so I open my eyes to see just what is going on. I finally realize it was the sound of the cables holding the car to bug snapping when I see the ground rising up at me in a manner very reminiscent of my entrance to Lindblum…

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A/N: Well, that was… something. It may not look like it, but I actually did work on this fic for most of the time it took me to update it. Hopefully the wait wasn't too long.

There are quite a lot of things that are going to happen in the next chapter, the two biggest ones being the introduction of one of two "regular" original characters (she will be joining the heroes, whereas the other one will be a villain. They won't be involved in the whole Drifter mess, though), and the other the departure of two people very close to Rick. But, of course, the one thing everyone has been looking forward to the most will FINALLY happen: the catfight between Rick and Dagger. If you thought that the whole battle with Celes was rough, you haven't seen anything yet…


	25. it Tolls for Thee

Chapter 25: …it Tolls for Thee.

A/N: If I have to explain the chapter title, I will succumb to an untimely end as a result of trauma to the head from several head-wall introductions. And then there's the fight… You guys have been speculating on just how this whole thing with the satchel was going to turn out. And, to be quite honest, so did I. See, I never exactly planned the big throw down that you're about read.

And as for the new OC… well, I had so much fun writing Gary a few chapters back that I figured, "hey, I've screwed this thing up enough already, what's one more?"

And to anyone who hasn't read Deathly Hollows, yet, skip the ending author's notes as they may contain a slight spoiler.

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Surprisingly, I'm not hurting as much as I probably should be. I wasn't knocked out. That probably explains why I'm not conversing with that annoying Cami girl right now. Seriously, what is up with her? I'm tempted to send Fujin after her, but something tells me that psychotic women probably aren't something _she_ has to worry about; especially ones that are overly violent, probable lesbians. Really, what was up with that whole thing between Fujin and Celes, anyway?

Cursing giant insects the world over, I stand up and look around. I was thrown from the cart when it crashed. That would probably explain the lack of injuries, as it is now a big, splintered mess. Vivi is lying beside it, I don't see Zidane, and Dagger is about ten feet away from where I landed. I think she is unconscious, because of that annoyingly peaceful look on her stupid face. How dare she be dreaming of happy things when some disgusting noble person is running around in MY incredibly hot outfit?

I crawl in her direction, my muscles too sore from the crash to allow the strenuous activity that is walking. She groans and opens her eyes. If I didn't want to kill her right now, I might ask if she were okay.

"Rick?" she notices my sluggish movements in her direction. "Are you injured?"

"Nothing I can't handle," I lie. Seriously, sore muscles make for painful movement. She simply shakes her head and holds a hand out in my direction. That healing light envelops me and I feel the fatigue lift from my body. With renewed strength, I stand up and tower over Dagger. How easy it would be to just stomp her into the ground. Instead, I offer her a hand. "Now, are you okay?"

"I think so," she answers as she looks herself over for any damage. "Nothing seems to be broken anyway."

Nodding, I smile. "Good. I wouldn't want people to think I was being unfair."

She looks confused and opens her mouth as if to ask a question. Her inquiry turns into a scream, though, as the MCoDs sink into the soft flesh of her forearm. Unfortunately, the skin isn't broken. Stupid thick flannel sleeves.

"What are you doing?" she shrieks while pushing me off.

"Vendetta!" I cry back as I grab a fistful of hair in one hand and scratch at her face with the other. Three small red scratches appear below her left eye, bringing me more pleasure than I ever thought possible. "You shall pay for your misdeeds, harlot!"

No, I don't care if that was something that Steiner would say.

She doesn't really have enough time to retrieve her rod, so Dagger slaps my face before kneeing me between the legs. Owie.

"You're insane," she tells me as she touches the tender scratch marks on her face. "You would attack me just because I stole your purse?"

"SATCHEL!" Foam flies from my mouth as I grab a handful of dirt and fling it into her face. She gasps and tries to wipe her eyes clean, leaving an opening. I push her to the ground and she falls on her stomach. I sit on her back and grab her hair with both hands. "Eat it, wench. Eat it like I have to all of that money you spent!"

I grind her face into the ground before she elbows me in the jaw. One hand releases her as I rub the sore bone. A mistake on my part, since it gives her enough room to shift and punch me in the gut.

"You little psycho." She tries to put her hair back in place while still lying on the ground with me beside her. "You are aware that I'm princess, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I laugh evilly as I sit up, planning my next attack. "And your mother just tried to kill you. I guess she just wasn't woman enough for the job, so it falls to me."

The MCoDs begin tearing into her with a fury. She screams and starts hitting me with clenched fists, but it does no good.

"Princess! Get off of her!" someone shouts before I find myself being pulled away. Why do se stupid people insist on interrupting me?

With a whirl, I slash at Zidane. He yelps in shock and lets me go. I turn back to Dagger, but this time she has her weapon ready. It's not the rod she had when we parted ways. However, it does still hurt when she cracks me upside the head with it.

"What the heck happened?" I hear the thief ask Dagger before he sits on me and grabs a hold of my hands before the MCoDs can do their job. "I'm gone for all of five minutes, and you two are beating the crap out of each other."

I twist my neck and glare at Dagger as she takes on an innocent persona that is so obviously fake.

"He just attacked me, screaming something about revenge and his purse," she tells him as she begins to heal the various scratch marks along her body. "I think he's losing it."

"Are you still hung up on that?" he laughs as he looks down at me. I snarl and he just sighs before readdressing the evil whore. "Just be glad you didn't get a face full of pudding like me. He was awfully upset about you stealing his purse, after all."

"It is a SATCHEL!" I correct as loudly as I can while trying to shake Zidane off. It doesn't work.

"Whatever, Princess." I don't need to see him to know that he just rolled his eyes. "Dagger, just apologize to the idiot. And you apologize for trying to rip her throat out."

"She goes first."

Dagger and I glare at each other for several moments before she finally mutters an apology so low that I can barely hear it.

"Now it's your turn," she demands.

"Bite me, hag," I spit. Zidane twists my arms and I wince a little. "Fine. I'm sorry you're such an ugly little tramp who feels the need to knock me out and steal all of my stuff."

Dagger appeals to Zidane, and he lets one hand go long enough to rap me on the head. "Do it right. We can sit like this all day, you know. I don't have any plans."

Curses! "I'm sorry, okay? Now get off me. This much exposure to dirt isn't good for my complexion."

He finally climbs off, but makes certain that he's placed himself between us.

"That was entertaining."

I really wish people would make their presence known before speaking. This time it's a woman (surprise, surprise). She has long blue hair and deep green eyes. Her lips are the same shade as her hair, but her skin as pale as porcelain. Clinging to her defined body (the only thing she's lacking in really is the chest area, which makes sense since she looks to be, like, thirteen or so) is a small blue jumper similar to that which Dagger wore when we first began traveling together. The only difference is that the legs are much higher, mid-thigh length, showing off cellulite-free legs and she's not wearing a shirt underneath it. Rather, she just has a blue vest overtop of it that would hide anything Zidane might want to see. And does he want to see it. His tongue is hanging of his mouth like it does every time we're around Minister Croft.

"Who are you?" I ask. She definitely isn't someone I know. So far, I've been able to recognize most of the people that didn't belong here when it was all just a game. Of course, that isn't true anymore, but I can still detect familiar faces. This isn't one, though. This woman with the blue fetish (I swear, she's worse than KOS-MOS) is a complete mystery.

"The name is Rei. You don't see many people out this way. I should know. You're the only people I've seen since I came here to train a month ago."

"Train?" Dagger looks confused. "What kind of training?"

"Oh, you know, trying to learn how to control my Blue Magic and all," the girl responds nonchalantly as she jumps down to the ground with a grace that not even Fujin possesses. Did I mention she was talking to us from a tree? "They tend to frown on that type of thing when you accidentally blow up a classroom or twelve."

"Right…" I nod stupidly. What the heck is she talking about? "How old are you?"

"Fourteen. Why?"

"Nothing," I answer evasively. Why the heck is a fourteen-year-old girl running around on her own? Sure, I've been doing the same thing lately, but I'm three years older and a fugitive. "Are you here by yourself?"

"No," she says, sounding as though she was wishing for the opposite. "Because of some stupid safety rule, students can't go out on their own. Really. I am more than enough to take care of some pathetic monsters. Aren't I?"

She strikes what is supposed to be a seductive pose, tossing her hair back and lifting her leg up behind her. Zidane just continues to be out in space.

"So there are other people here?" I look around but don't see anyone. "Where are they?"

"Well, it's just me and a couple of classmates. They normally wouldn't let us leave without a teacher or something, but I can be pretty _persuasive_ when I want to be."

"What are you talking about?" Dagger seems thoroughly confused. It makes perfect sense to me, though. Whoever these people she keeps talking about are, they sent her out on her own in order to get rid of her for a little bit. If you read between the lines, that is.

As if noticing the princess for the first time, Rei takes on a rather lewd grin. She moves to Dagger's side so fast that there's a dusty after-image from where she had just stood. I didn't even see her move!

"And just who might you be?" the blue-haired girl asks the Summoner as she touches her cheek with the back of her hand in a very sensual way. Is this girl coming onto Dagger? How funny. I glance over at Zidane, but he's still out of it. Of course.

"Umm…" the princess takes a moment to remember her name. She's actually caught off guard. "I'm D… Dagger."

Rei nods her head before with playing with Dagger's hair. "I like that name. It makes me think of rough, naughty things. And it also makes me think of a doctor's scalpel," she purrs in the other girl's ear. "How about you and I play doctor? Or we could just do something else that involves one of us getting naked…"

With that, she licks Dagger's face. The princess squeals a little, but Rei cries out in pain.

"Ow! What was that for?" she yells at the sky. Crazy women, I tell you. I'm like a magnet for them or something. "Get your butts down here so that I can kick them. NOW!"

Two people emerge from nearby trees. Well, one does a very cool flip before landing on the ground with his face so low that I can't make it out. The other, a brunette girl with pigtails, falls out of her tree and lands on the ground face-first. I can sympathize.

"Leave the girl alone, Rei," her pig-tailed partner warns. "The last thing we need is for you to freak out someone else. Look at the poor thing. She's trembling already."

Rei looks at Dagger with a frown. Indeed, she does look about ready to freak. Lightweight. If you think that's bad, try fending off Kodachi.

"Fine. I guess I'll just have to play with him then," she pouts before running over to Zidane. Can you believe that she completely passed me over? I feel insulted. Zidane stops drooling to look at Rei as she nuzzles his neck. "You want to play with me, don't yo-OW! Would you stop it?"

"Don't look at me," the pig-tailed girl says. That's when I recognize her. "Oh, hi, Rick. I didn't know that was you. Nice dress."

"Lilka? I haven't seen you in ages. Is Hermione here too?" I ask curiously.

"Nope," she answers with a shake of her head. "It's just me, Miss Horndog, and Mister Gloom over there."

I watch as the third person stands. He has black hair held out of his face by a headband, and on his thigh is what looks like a shuriken dispenser. It isn't… Is it?

"Don't be rude, Sasuke," Rei admonishes with a stomp of her foot, accidentally coming down on Zidane's and bringing him fully back to reality. "Oops… Sorry."

I don't even bother to pay attention to my wailing friend because, well, THIS IS FREAKING SASUKE UCHIHA! So many fanboy daydreams come to mind. Gah…

"Why is that freak staring at me?" he asks Dagger. She, of course, is drooling as well. I haven't met someone this sexy since Michael. Even the way he calls me a freak is hot.

"Why does he always get the cute ones?" Rei whines to Lilka. "It's not he's even that good-looking or anything. I swear. A girl just can't compare to him, no matter how hard she tries."

"I'm still here if you want to play." Zidane's reminder goes ignored, but it does serve to snap me out of Sasuke's spell.

"Idiots," Sasuke insults us all. "What are you three doing out here in the middle of nowhere, anyway? This isn't exactly a tourist destination."

"Four," I correct him. Vivi is still passed out in the wreckage, you know. Maybe somebody should check on him.

"Like I care."

"This is boring. Nobody's talking about me anymore." Again, Rei is whining. Sasuke narrows his lovely eyes but doesn't say anything.

"Do you know where the nearest town is?" I ask to break the ensuing silence. "We aren't exactly equipped for staying out here too long."

"Oh, it's Lindblum," Lilka declares as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. She points to something off in the distance. "It's right over that mountain. We'll go there with you guys. _Someone_," her eyes locked onto a suddenly distracted Rei, "went and lost all of our supplies, so we have to get some anyway."

Everyone has a mixed reaction to this: Rei lights up happily, her eyes on Dagger; in response to this, the princess goes rigid and pail; Zidane looks between Rei and Dagger, as if sizing them up for something vulgar and completely unaware of the smug look plastered all over his face; and Sasuke just acts like he doesn't care. He is so cool…

"Honey, would you go wake up Vivi?" I ask. "We need to get going. It looks like nightfall any moment now."

With a resigned sigh, he wanders off to fetch my little buddy. Hefting the unconscious black mage over his shoulder, the six (well, seven if you count Vivi) set off on a rather brisk pace.

Now, I know that things haven't been exactly like they were in the game, but I just can't help but notice some very key plot points have been ignored. Maybe it's because this really isn't the game, but something is very odd. First, we escape without a problem: no Zorn and Thorn (or whoever the heck would've taken their place) catching us in a trap, leaving to be rescued by Marcus and Benero. Second, wasn't Dagger supposed to meet Ramuh and get her "first" eidolon or something? I wish I could remember better. It seems like my memory of what should or shouldn't happen is getting foggier with each passing day. I'll have to ask Lilka if Hermione ever mentioned something like this happening to her or if it's just me being brain dead.

"How've you been?" the sorceress (and no, she's not of the evil FFVIII variety) asks as she falls in step with me. We're both hanging back a little from the group. Rei is hitting on Dagger again while Zidane tries to catch her attention. Sasuke just has his hands in his pockets and his face lowered. But boy does he have a cute butt. Rowr!

"Not so good," I tell her without offering any explanation. She wouldn't understand all of the complexities surrounding everything I'm going through with being a Drifter. And if I talked to her about being in love with Zidane, then she might wonder why I just come out and tell him how I feel. The thing is, I don't know if I answer for that kind of question or not.

"Oh," she mutters with a downcast look. Then she beams up at me. "But you like Sasuke, don't you? I can totally tell."

"What… how?" I stumble around for a response to that sudden, even if accurate, accusation. Plus, I noticed that his ears perked up just a bit. Is it in anticipation or dread, though? A fanboy can only dream.

"Please, I saw you and that Dagger girl both go gaga over him. I must say, though, that I'm surprised. Most girls fall for him in a heartbeat. But you… you always seemed like the type to want an older man," she explains. How does she know what my type would be? When I ask her, she just tells me it was something Hermione got from this television show I'm supposed to be on. Didn't Aerith mention something about me being on a TV show? Of course, I should get my own show.

"So, what's this show called?" I ask proudly.

She shrugs. "I don't know. All I know is that it was about some girl named Raquel Malone and that you were just an occasional guest star or something."

Ra…RAQUEL MALONE? You have got to be kidding me. First, she beats me out for the cheerleading squad, and now I'm relegated to guest star status on a TV show about _her_? This isn't possible. There must be some mistake. And even if it isn't, it couldn't have lasted more than one season. What could anyone like about that skank?

Oblivious to my seething rage, Lilka continues. "Yeah, she said that before she woke up here, it'd already been running for three or four years."

Somebody shoot me.

Looking for a quick change of subject, I move back to Sasuke. "You said that he's younger than me? How much younger, exactly?"

She pauses and rubs her chin thoughtfully. "Well, he's thirteen and you're probably, what, eighteen? So I'd say a good five years or so."

"Seventeen," I correct. So, he's four years younger than me? While I'm sure that seems like a big deal now, in ten years it'll be nothing. If things don't work out with Zidane, he is definitely my second choice. Sasuke WILL be mine…

"Yeah, it doesn't really matter, though. Sasuke doesn't really like people all that much. I don't even know why he came on this training session. He and Rei can't stand each other, and not in that 'we love each other but put on a show because we're shy about our feelings' way, either. They just hate each other," she informs me. Is anyone else confused? I'm sure a lot was just said, but I didn't quite catch it because, well, Lilka talks fast. I'm talking Gilmore Girls fast, and they're always hyped up on sugar and coffee.

"Okay…" then I start jogging a little to catch up with the others. Pushing back the part of me that really wants to pull Sasuke aside and jump his bones, I throw an arm around Zidane's shoulder. Somehow or other Dagger ended up carrying Vivi. "So, Honey, what exactly were you guys up to while I was away?"

"Mostly fighting and stuff," he says proudly. "We made it all the way to Burmecia in two days. Of course, we were exhausted when we got there, but I know that we would've beaten that Celes woman if we weren't all so tired."

"Whatever you say," I laugh.

Rei is still trying to get into Dagger's pants, but getting more and more frustrated with every blunt refusal. Why won't the younger girl just give up?

"Fine!" she finally shouts as she throws her hands into the air dramatically. "Geez, you try to be nice and everyone treats you like crap for it."

Her eyes meet mine before drifting over to the guy next to me.

"So, do you still want to play?" she asks as she walks to us and all but throws herself into Zidane's arms. "Because, believe me, I know all kinds of _games_ and the different ways to score."

"So do I," he brags, causing me to recoil my arm from around him. Do I know anyone with _any_ tastes? "Want me to teach you?"

"I bet you could," she growls seductively.

Sasuke stops rather suddenly, his face looking rather dark. "Something's happening." The various activities of our group are interrupted as we look at the ninja. Heck, Rei even stopped groping Zidane's butt.

There are bats everywhere. And the squeaky little buggers are headed in the direction we're traveling. In fact, without my knowing, we've already managed to climb the mountain (which was more of a hill, really) and I can actually see Lindblum. It's all lit up for another industrious night. Unless they're still celebrating the Festival of the Hunt. But it's already like a week since we left. There's no way that could still be going on.

Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something rather important?

"Did it just get darker?" Dagger asks. Um… yeah? It tends to get dark at night.

Ignoring Dagger for what I believe to be the first time since the two met, Rei shrieks excitedly and points at Lindblum. "That is so cool!"

The bats all come together, merging and becoming a large black ball. While I don't remember ANYTHING like this from the game, it seems so familiar that it should come naturally to me what is going on despite the fact that it isn't.

Something begins to descend from the ball. It's skin is red and black, and it has rather sharp looking claws and black wings. Diablos. Rather than Atomos, Brahne is going to use Diablos to destroy Lindblum. That is not good, especially seeing as how the demon is currently three hundred times larger than the one that used to appear on my TV screen.

Diablos reaches up into the ball, electricity crackling round his fingers as he does so. Runes written in a language that I can't understand encircle the ground around the city. There's a sinister, but not evil, laugh from the demon before he launches the ectoplasmic ball down on the metropolis below. When it collides, there's a large flash of light before it implodes in on itself like a scene out of Akira or something. Then Diablos curls up and vanishes into thousands upon thousands of bats.

"That was…" Zidane starts before being interrupted.

"That was awesome!" Rei shouts. "I wonder how long it'll take for me to be strong enough to destroy a city like that."

Everyone looks at her. Did she really just say that?

"What?" the blue-haired girl asks. Clueless. "What is something I said?"

"Kind of," Dagger answers before realizing her mistake. Once again aware of the false redhead, Rei jumps right to her side.

"Would somebody please get this freak off me?" Sasuke requests. It's then that I notice I have my arms wrapped around him. Oops…

We begin the descent in slightly dampened spirits. Except for Rei, which I'm beginning to think may be a liability if we spend too much time together. Dagger has rebuffed her yet again, so now she's draped all over Zidane. And he's liking it. I should probably throw something at him, but I'm not in the mood. Watching an entire city be destroyed tends to do that to you.

We are attacked along the way, but seeing as how we're all exhausted and stuff, my friends and I leave the fighting up to the new guys. They prove why they're allowed to be on their own. Sasuke throws a handful of shuriken at a monster while Lilka distracts it with a Confuse spell. Rei overwhelms the rest with the utter force of her magical prowess. She opens rises her hands and a large wall of flames shoot up from the ground before falling on the opposition.

"Smoking," she brags before licking a finger and running it up the inside of her thigh, her tongue very visibly touching her front teeth.

Everyone (except for Zidane) actively ignores her. He just hoots, which elicits a blown kiss that he jumps to catch. What is wrong with the people of Gaia?

When we reach the front gate to Lindblum, it looks to be on the verge of crumbling, and there are Alexandrian guards posted on either side of it. For fear of being recognized, we manage to convince Rei to act as a distraction while we sneak in. She more than readily agrees. In fact, she takes on the job so fast that I could have sworn it was her own idea.

"Hello ladies," the girl shouts as she jumps into their line of view. They both look at her suspiciously. Probably wondering what a fourteen-year-old girl is doing out in the Mist by herself. "Have you missed me?"

"We don't know you," one the guards informs her. "And there is no entry allowed."

"Really?" Rei pouts with her right index finger resting on her quivering lower lip. Then she slides the digit in to the second knuckle and sucks on it briefly before pulling it out slowly, so that even I can see the skin scraping against her teeth. "And here I was hoping I had made an impression. Maybe this time you'll remember me."

Then she gives the signal and Sasuke launches a flurry of shuriken. As the women try to fend off the barrage, he leaps to the ground and takes one out with a swift elbow to the back of the head while Rei uses a more subtle approach by pummelling the woman into a bloody mess.

"That was a bit extreme," Sasuke tells his classmate as the rest of us come out of hiding. "Now we're going to be on the run, too, you realize."

"What do you mean, too?" Dagger questions curiously. "What makes you think we're on the run from somebody?"

"Aside from the ridiculous disguises and the fear of two lone Alexandrian soldiers?" he points out, look at Dagger and myself specifically. I would point out that my outfit was selected for escape from Ascantha, as opposed to Alexandria, but just shrug nonchalantly.

"Can we go inside now?" Rei complains now that the attention of everyone isn't focused on her. "This idiot is boring."

"Shut up," Sasuke orders, but she just responds by sticking her tongue out.

We leave Lilka and Vivi behind (my suggestion, what with Black Mage tolerance probably being pretty low in Lindblum) and walk inside. Everyone looks round in awe. I've seen Cleyra blow up (well, not really), I've seen people die in battlefields, and I've seen my Earth brother's room. Not a one of the three compares to this. This is destruction and chaos on every level possible.

We pass by Rinoa's, and it's completely in shambles. My heart dies a little to think of all those gorgeous clothes ruined. There could have been so many outfits that I would've looked good in…

"I guess she's going to have to go back to playing piano full-time now," Zidane comments out of the blue.

"Huh?" I'm confused. Since when does Rinoa play the piano? "What are you talking about?"

He grins slightly, as if embarrassed to admit he knows the information that he's about to impart. "Rinoa's mother was a piano prodigy. She played at every royal gathering. Her daughter was raised with the music, so it was only natural that she took up the trade until she had enough money to buy her own store. In fact, she actually played at the ball as a special request for the Regent."

Nobody says much of anything after that, so we just continue wandering until we reach the square by Alice's Item Shop, which I also note has been completely destroyed. Not that I'm surprised, seeing as how it was in the game.

Speaking of the game, Minister Croft is standing in the very place that Artania was when it was all just a game.

"Aunty Lara!" Dagger cries as she runs to Croft. They embrace, joyful at their reunion. "I'm so glad to see you safe!"

With a chuckle, Lara returns the tidings. Then she looks upon my group as well. "It's good to see you all well. Although it appears you've picked up some new friends. Hello."

Sasuke nods curtly, but Rei is drooling just as hard as Zidane.

"And where are Raijin, Fujin, and Freya?" she asks. I note that she left out Steiner. I wonder if that was intentional.

"The last time I saw Fujin and Freya, they were covering for us while we escaped Alexandria with Dagger," I inform the Minister. "But Raijin… he died at the hands of Seifer Almasy."

Dagger gasps and her eyes widen. Oh, right, she didn't know.

"And young Vivi?"

That's when I hear the Lindblum troops call out to Minister Croft. "We've caught another one trying to sneak in!"

Vivi and Lilka are both struggling against the might of the soldiers, but don't use their magic for fear of starting a riot or something. Surprisingly, it's Vivi who speaks. "I didn't hurt anyone. Honest!"

"The boy speaks the truth. Let them go," Minister Croft orders. They drop both captives the ground immediately. After she stands back up, Lilka rubs her backside from where she landed on it.

The soldiers nod to Lara before leaving.

Before anyone can anything, the shortest among us walks to Zidane, snapping my stupid monkey out of his Croft-induced stupor. "Zidane… I want to stay in Lindblum."

"Well, we do need to rest up a bit," the thief smiles down at my little buddy. "It's been a long day."

Vivi shakes his head, grabbing his hand and adjusting it before it slips off his head. "No. My friends at the castle… their mother said that I could live with them since I don't have anybody."

"But of course you have somebody! You have us!" Zidane responds rather loudly and incredulously. "Why would you want to leave?"

Dagger approaches Zidane before I can even move, so all I do is shuffle my feet awkwardly and stay quiet. "Zidane, he's just a little kid. He shouldn't have to risk his life for me."

"But…"

She shakes her head. Zidane looks at Vivi and nods.

"I'll go with him. To make sure he's safe." Lilka looks me in the eyes before walking off with him.

That wasn't supposed to happen. But it's not like I could've stopped him. It probably is better off this way. Now he'll never have to go the Black Mage Village and learn about stopping or see the other mages manipulated by Kuja. Or Kefka. Or whatever. Whoever the villain of choice happens to be, that is.

"Perhaps we had best get you hidden before the guards recognize you, Princess," Lara whispers.

We all prepare to leave the square when I notice some activity coming from Alice's. I stop and look, but someone grabs me by the shoulder and gives a little tug.

"Now is not the best time for sight-seeing, Rick," Minister Croft says in a flushed voice, the first time I've ever heard her use one. What doesn't she want me to see?

Is it people looting? Please. I planned on raiding Rinoa's later to see if I could salvage anything from the clothing store. Who cares if some nitwit is stealing a potion or two?

"She's right, Princess." Zidane's tone is a little worrying. It's like he's figured out something I haven't. "let's get out of here before Dagger gets discovered."

I start to ask why, but then I see it. My mouth goes dry and my knees erupt in pain as my ability to stand falters. The people, because there's two of them, aren't removing merchandise. They're removing a body. I body I had slept next to just last week. One I had planned on never touching again because of realization of love for Zidane.

God, even with an arm missing and his neck in that unnatural angle… he's beautiful…

"Rick." Dagger kneels next to me. I can't speak. It's like someone just removed my vocals cords. I open my mouth, but the only sounds I can hear myself make it a croaking noise. The princess puts what is supposed to be a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I can't even remember why I hated her.

There are several long moments of silence as my friends think of something comforting to say to me. Then someone speaks, and it could only have been Rei to say it. "So who's the stiff? He was pretty hot."

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A/N: And there you have Chapter 25. A lot led up to this chappy, and a lot happened in it. Now you know who left Rick. And who the elusive first OC is. (Rei, those who haven't figured it out :P) This was a definitely a milestone chapter will that will have many, many repercussions to come.

Now for the (tiny) HP spoiler: was I the only one weirded out by the whole "Hermione having a magically enhanced bag in which she could put anything" bit? Because it is EXACTLY the same concept as Rick's satchel! I wonder if I can sue J.K. Rowling for stealing my idea…


	26. Drunkards

Chapter 26: Drunkards

A/N: I could talk about killing off Michael and what effect it will have on Rick and the rest of the story, but that's something that you'll be reading soon anyway. Actually, I have some other things of importance to discuss. For starters, it has been brought to my attention that TCBT technically qualifies as an AU fic, so I figured I would ask your opinion on it. Just let me know if those two letters should be added to the summary.

Second, as I said a few chapters back, there are two OCs joining the cast. You just met Rei last chapter, but now I need your help with the second. You see, I have the basic structure of a character: male, purple hair, straight, etc. The thing I need from you guys (my oh so loveable fans) is simple. Help me name him. Send it by email, PM, or just leave it in a review.

I just ask that you refrain from submitting the following: your name, your pen name, or the names of any OCs that may exist in your own personal stories. This is being done purely on the honour system, but that is all I ask. Thank you.

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It's been a week. A week spent sitting in this room at the Inn hearing things that show the rest of the city is moving on while I'm stuck in another time. The dress with Raijin's blood is gone. Zidane brought me a change of clothes (not ones that you would normally see me wear, mind you), and I'm not sure what he did with the garment. I am quite sure that I do not want to know.

They held a memorial service for the ones who fell that day. Zidane and Dagger tried to convince me to come, but I couldn't. Something told me that I didn't deserve to tell him goodbye. Guilt? Maybe. I was planning on leaving him, after all. Leaving him for somebody who has yet to show any romantic interest in me. I wonder if Michael thought of me while he died: wondering if I would even care that he was gone, if I would even know. Was it quick? Did he suffer?

There are so many questions that will never be answered.

The others have tried to cheer me up in their own ways. Zidane has tried on countless occasions to drag me out into the city. He's promised shopping trips and eating in fancy restaurants. It all sounds good and well, but… Do I really deserve any of that?

Vivi's visited a few times. The kid seems happy enough. He's told me (and Zidane when the monkey was there) about how the mother of his friends was starting to treat him as though he were one of her own. There was no hint of brooding about his future or worries that he was some soulless husk. He's just kid now.

Dagger's been as cooped up as I, only hers wasn't voluntary. She's stuck in the room across the hall until the higher-ups can come up with a plan. What good it will do I don't know. So much has changed that I don't even know if the Lifa Tree even exists or not. Regardless, the princess drops by every few hours to make sure I haven't killed myself or something.

And then there are the others. Lilka came after the memorial to see how I was doing, Sasuke and Rei in tow. The Uchiha didn't really say anything. After the other two left, Rei sat down next to me and offered, in what I hope was her own way of attempting to make me feel better, to drug and tie up Sasuke so that I could have my way with him. Several blinks later I told her I'd think about it. What? Even a depressed, cheating pseudo-widow needs to keep his options open.

But ever since the others left for the memorial, I've been wearing Michael's jacket. The itchy one he gave me on that night we first met. It turns out that I'd left it behind when we gave chase after Dagger, and the next person to stay in the room turned it in at the Lost & Found. Who knew such a thing existed in Gaia? I only found it because, in the hopes that I could ignore the feeling telling me stay, I resolved to the go pay respects. I made it as far as the front lobby.

In the interest of keeping myself busy, I checked the satchel to see just what Dagger had purchased. There were several potions, a few hi-potions, some antidotes and the like. I noticed several weapons and some old armour that I could probably sell off pretty cheap if need be. The most interesting were the shining marble-like things. Like the one I found back in Dali. Whenever I pulled them out, my Materia on the bangle began to glow. After putting them back, I left the room long enough to go into Dagger's and ask her what was going on. She told me that she, Benero, and Steiner had met someone in Treno interested in the first stone upon seeing them deciding if they could sell it, and requested that they recover eleven others. There are five now. But who the heck was this person, and why didn't he or she just take the one that we already had? I could just guess that this was some bizarre take on the whole Stellazzio side-quest or whatever, but whenever I held them and my Materia pulsated… It was a rather ominous sensation.

In addition to that mystery, I'm now left to ponder as to what affect Michael's death is going to have on the storyline. When Cid tries to overcome his curse and ends up as a frog, we have to get one of the potions from Michael. But Michael's dead. So…

Pressing away thoughts of things that I have no control over, I glance out the window. Despite the remaining Alexandrian occupation, the people have already begun to rebuild. Children are once again playing in the streets. Why can't I resume the normality of my life? They can do it.

Someone knocks on the door. I tell whoever it is to enter. Zidane breathes heavily as he tries to catch my eye. "Princess, they want to meet us at Dragoos."

The weapon shop? Why would Cid and Lara want to meet us there? Besides, I'm… I… "They wouldn't want me there. What good have I been? Really? I couldn't save Raijin, or Michael. I'm not a warrior like you or Freya. Heck… even Dagger has her purpose. She's a healer. What am I? A liability."

Zidane clearly doesn't know what to say, so he says nothing. He just stands there with his arms folded and his eyes piercing mine. The little hamster wheel in his head is spinning faster than a hamster has any right to.

"Do you really think that little of yourself?" he finally asks. He has a small grin that I know all too well. "They say that every genius needs an idiot, Princess. You're my idiot."

With a laugh I throw a pillow at him. Then I realize what I'd just done. So does he.

"Do you think that… guy would want you sulking round here forever? Sure, he wasn't my favourite person and I badmouthed him all the time, but he made you happy. He would want you to be happy. I want you to be happy, Princess," he encourages. "Don't forget him. Just…"

His words of wisdom have run out.

"Just what?"

"I was going to say, 'just get laid,' but you couldn't get a man looking like that," he advises with a laugh. Then I challenge him on how exactly he knows what it takes to get a man. "Princess, if anyone knows anything about being sexy, it's me. I don't even have to try. They just flock to me on their own. I have to turn them down, of course."

Is it just me, or is Zidane now convinced that all of the men in the world are as in love with him as he thinks the women of the world are? Someone must have been spending time with Rei. But hey, I'm smiling. Which is more than I've done in ages.

"Fine, Honey," I sigh as I stand up and pull the jacket closer around me despite the fact that it's relatively warm outside. "Let's go see what they want."

I grab the satchel as we walk out the door. There's no way I'm letting this out of my sight again.

"It's nice to see you, Rick," Minister Croft says as I walk in the door with Zidane. There's nobody else around. Not even that Dragoo guy, whatever he looks like. Really should've paid more attention to the game. "Come, this way."

She leads us through a back door hidden behind a display of swords. I look back and note that the "Closed" sign is hanging up. Anyway, everyone is in the back room: Dagger, Lilka, Rei, Sasuke, and Cid. The evil cheating bug. Though am I to talk? Didn't I just about do to Michael with Angelo that he did to Hilde with his random hoochie?

Minister Croft closes the door and Sasuke looks at her from the crate of glass armlets he's sitting on. "What did you need us for?"

"I think you already know," she tells the ninja. Rei is drooling, as is Zidane, but the rest of us ignore them.

Sasuke smirks as he looks over at Dagger. She happens to have her tongue in her mouth, which the only difference between her and the other two obsessed perverts. "You want us to take the princess back to our Shikon Academy, don't you?"

Shikon Academy? Could someone be a little more original please?

"That's, gwok, correct." Cid flies over to Lara and lands on her shoulder. Lilka and Rei start at this, but Sasuke retains his cool because, well, he's Sasuke. "We feel that the enchantments in, gwok, place there offer more, gwok, protection than any other."

"Indeed," Lara nods. "The Princess is incredibly susceptible here, and only luck has kept her from being discovered."

"How did you know I'm a princess?" she inquires with a look in Sasuke's direction. "I never told you."

"Hmph." The ninja looks smug. Which, to be honest, is still incredibly hot. "The day we first arrived in Lindblum, I heard the Minister refer to you as such."

Even Minister Croft looks pleasantly impressed.

Of course, upon hearing this, Rei is once again practically on top of Dagger. "So you're royalty, huh? That must mean you're rich. I think that's incredibly… hot." The last word is breathed upon the Summoner's skin in a most sultry way. Minister Croft almost loses her composure at this, but I notice Cid lean in expectantly. I swear, everyone in Gaia is perverted. Or, at least, the major players in this part of the story.

"H-how about we leave now?" Lilka suggests as I begin to attempt to attempt prying the blue-haired girl from my former arch-nemesis. T'would be more of a pain to let this run its course in the long run, so I'd better get it over with. Although… it would be funny to watch.

"Rei, Dagger is engaged," I pant as I continue pulling. She's managed to give up absolutely no ground. Of course, I don't mention it to Zidane that her fiancé is the blonde guy who tried to kill us in Alexandria.

"Ooh," the girl coos excitedly. "I know how to do threesomes. They can be quite fun."

Minister Croft lays a hand on Rei, turning Rei from probable sexual offender to drooling admirer once more. "I do believe now would be a good time for you depart."

"What did you want us for, then?" I point at Zidane and myself as I speak. "If she's going to be safely hidden away in some school or something, why bring me out?"

Cid answers this time. "We need you to, gwok, go with her…"

"We need someone we can trust," the minister further explains. "While I don't doubt these three would take of the Princess, knowing that there are some people there with whom we have already established some foundation of trust would be most reassuring."

"So we're there to make you feel better?" My eyebrows shoot up into what would have been my bangs if Steiner hadn't forced me to get a haircut. It's growing back nicely, but nowhere near where I want it.

"I can make _you_ feel better," Rei says. Not to me, of course, as she has wrapped herself around a very receiving Zidane. I watch as Sasuke shakes his head. I can only wonder what's going through Lara's mind. I already know that Cid's is in the same place as Zidane's. The perverts.

Then I point out that, while I'm sure it was less obvious than hijacking an airship, the walk to such a place will undoubtedly be time-consuming and that the Mist will wreak havoc on my complexion. It seems to suck all colour out of me for some reason.

"Oh, we don't travel like that," Lilka tells me happily. "If we did, then these two might just kill each other."

Do I even need to say who she's talking about?

"We travel my telegems. We had to get here on foot, but these take you back to Shikon Academy immediately." Lilka holds out a blue-green stone about the size of an eraser. You know, those pink ones that you're supposed to have for art class that never actually work. "I have it, of course, because _someone_ would lose it, and his royal highness refused to do the drudge work of lugging around ONE stone."

Hmm… more people need magic satchels that can hold anything without a change in size of weight. But this one is mine. I'm not afraid to kill over it, as Dagger can attest. Because if Zidane hadn't stepped in…

Moving on to more pleasant thoughts, I wonder just how the heck this is going to work. When I ask, Lilka just says that the people being transported just have to be touching each other.

"Where?" Dagger asks. "Do we have to be holding hands or something?"

"You can hold anything you want," Rei purrs.

Zidane perks up at this, but I slap a hand over his mouth before he can say anything more. "Can we just go before someone ends up having sex?"

Lilka hold the stone out. Dagger touches the other girl's forearm while Sasuke puts a hand on Lilka's shoulder. Zidane and Rei are a little too close for me my comfort, and I can tell that at least one of them has a hand somewhere on Dagger that they shouldn't, if the size of her eyes are any indication. I'm not really one to talk, though, seeing as how I'm currently wrapped around Sasuke. He feels so… gah.

Pulling out her wand, Lilka advises us to say our goodbyes. Dagger and I do. Sasuke just narrows his eyes in the direction of the minister and the regent. Zidane and Rei are too busy staring at each other. Then Lilka taps the stone with her wand and everything around me disappears in a flash of light.

Teleporting onto Brahne's airship was not fun. That was like a complete loss of self, as I couldn't even feel Fujin's hand in my own. This is different. I can feel Sasuke, but can't see a thing. Without even thinking about it, I pull myself even closer to him.

It only takes about five seconds. Then we're all standing outside a small, egg-shaped building. And we're ankle deep in snow. Rei and Zidane are visibly shivering, but I'm glad to be wearing Michael's coat. My lips twitch upward at the thought of him. It seems like, when we left Lindblum, I left behind a large part of my depression. Being around people must have lifted my spirits or something.

"You can get off me now," Sasuke advises. Grinning, I let the warrior go and take a step back. We're above the Mist, but there isn't much land. It seems to be a complete drop off about twenty metres away from the building on all sides.

"We're on top of Alexandria Plateau," Lilka notes when she sees me looking around. "Now let's go inside."

She throws the used up stone (it's now a dull black) onto the ground and grabs the handle for the door. What am I to be expecting, exactly? Some kind of underground academy were everyone is pasty from lack of sunlight?

One by one we all walk into the building, which is white and entirely featureless with the exception of a large triangle on the floor. Well, it's the outline of a triangle. Which really doesn't mean anything when you think about it.

After everyone is inside, Lilka slams the door, cutting off the cold winds I hadn't really noticed while lost in my ruminations. She directs everyone to stand in the triangle, which is rather crowded. It's not a big building.

"You see," she explains as she taps one of the corners with her wand. It begins to glow in that same blue-green colour as the telegem. "they wouldn't have bothered sending out a third person with these two if either one of them knew how to enter the school. But, alas, this is needed."

She holds up the wand for everyone to see before tapping a second corner.

"I could use one of those if I wanted," Rei decries rather loudly. "I'm just so naturally talented that I don't need one. Unlike Mister Emo over there who can't use magic at all."

Sasuke glares at her dangerously, which gives me the chills for all the wrong reasons. She doesn't seem to be affected by it, though.

Lilka just shakes her head, climbs in the triangle (which is difficult, seeing as how we're all smushed together as it is), bends down, and touches the last corner. Then the entire outline of the geometric shape begins to go blue-green and the scenery disappears in another flash. The duration period is much shorter this time around.

When my ability to see returns, everyone spills outward onto a large, green lawn.

It isn't anything like I pictured Shikon Academy to be. What I had in mind was more befitting Hogwarts than _this_. There are five buildings, as opposed to one large castle, and they look kind of plain. Except for the one currently being defaced by a young blonde with a bucket of paint.

"Looks like your roommate's at it again," Lilka says to Sasuke.

"NARUTO!" Rei shouts as she begins jumping up and down, much to Zidane's delight. "I'm back!"

The other ninja turns around and waves excitedly before returning to his vandalism. What in the world have I gotten myself into?

Continuing to talk as though she were as tour guide, Lilka point out the two buildings to the far north are the dorms. The boys and girls are separated, naturally. I learn that the building in the center is the living quarters for the staff, as well as the headmistress's office. The edifice on the eastern side is for students of magic, and the west for those of science. Sounds kind of like how things are set up back on earth, if one wants to wade into the murky depths of broad and inaccurate stereotypes. Of which I absolutely have no part.

How the heck did I get a grass stain in these jeans?

"Well, I suppose we'd better go see the headmistress," Lilka sighs as though it's something she's dreading. Could the headmistress of this school be that bad? Must be a pretty awful tyrant. Though, it that was the case, then why send us here? Minister Croft and Regent Cid must have known something that we don't.

We begin to trudge across the green expanse. Rei is waving and calling out to various other students, some who look familiar and some who don't. Actually, I don't know most of them. Maybe it'll be good to be in a place where I can just get lost in the crowd. Nobody here knows me. I'm not a knight or a prince. I'm not even Zidane's friend or Michael's… Well, anonymity is one thing that nobody wants until they need it, I guess.

Some people watch as our motley crew passes by. Most of their eyes are locked onto either Sasuke or Rei, but a few manage to take in the rest of us.

We walk into that center building: the one where the teachers live. Everyone is quiet. There's no one about, and we don't even draw anyone out as we stomp through the quarters. "I'm so not looking forward to this."

Sasuke echoes Lilka's sentiments, but Rei is the lone voice of dissent amongst the three who know what's going on. "Come on, she's not that bad. I don't know why you guys don't like her."

"You only say that because she's a worthless drunk like you," Sasuke argues. My feelings of dread about this are increasing. I'm supposed to take care of Dagger in a hidden, magical school run by an evil, tyrannical drunkard? This is so not good.

"I don't get drunk that often." Rei's attempt to defend herself falls on deaf ears as we reach the door leading into the mysterious headmistress's office.

Lilka knocks on it, very slowly, and I can tell she's hoping it won't be heard. I'm half hoping her wish comes true. Then a muffled voice says something akin to, "Come on in." The door creaks open and I about lose it.

Sitting behind the desk, a large bottle of sake or some other type of alcohol in each hand, is Maison Ikkoku's most boisterous resident.

"Headmistress Ichinose." Lilka looks at the tiny (yet plump) woman and bows her head. "We're back a little early."

"Stop being so formal. You're a bunch of stiffs!" the woman laughs before emptying one of the bottles in one swig and chucking it at us. Rei catches it and examines the contents.

"Hey! You finished it off, you old bat!" the blue-haired girl shouts before shattering a window with it. "Now how are we going to celebrate my triumphant return?"

"Eh?" Ichinose looks up from her other bottle and eyes us. "There's plenty more. You should know that."

A full bottle goes flying to Rei. The girl catches it and rips the lid off impatiently. Then she joins her leader in the time-honoured tradition of drinking her butt off. What the heck is going on here?

After each one is a little tipsy, the headmistress finally notices the three who aren't her students. "Who are you people? Rei, am I seeing double of you guys or something? Because I think Sasuke's grown a tail."

"Nope," the girl answers as she pulls Zidane close and hands him the bottle. He looks at it a little nervously before taking a sip. "These are my new followers. This little cutie is Zidane, the hot tall one is some sort of princess or something, and the other guy is Rick. They love me."

Excuse me? Someone is a little full of herself. And why didn't she infer that I was hot or something? The girl clearly has no tastes.

"And why wouldn't we?" Zidane asks after his third or fourth drink. "Just look at her."

"Thank you…" Rei slurs as she rips the booze from his hand before snuggling up insanely close to him.

What is wrong with these people? Wasn't I just about to freak out due to fear or something?

"You said something about a princess?" the little woman looks at Dagger through drunken eyes. "Since when so we have a princess?"

"Here." Sasuke throws a letter that lands on the desk perfectly.

She picks it up and scans it. When she's done, her eyes are suddenly much more sober, though still hazier than Rei's or Zidane's. "So, you're the runaway princess? You'll be safe here. Not even royalty has the power to pierce the protections around this school." For some reason, her eyes also lock onto me as well as Dagger. "You will all be safe here."

"So…" I look around speaking for the first time. "What exactly are we supposed to do here?"

"Tomorrow, you will be tested. As long as you are here, you must live as though you are students. You will eat, sleep, and learn here so as not to arouse suspicion," Ichinose explains while taking another drag from one of her bottles.

High school? Why the heck do I have to go back to school? That was supposed to be one of the bonuses of not being in modern times. My brain hurts from all of the stuff I've had to learn already about Mana, Drifters, and the various fashions on this world.

"Um, what do you mean by test?" I ask, since none of my companions seem interested in figuring this out. Stupid drunken Zidane. Stupid Dagger.

"To see which class you will be in," Lilka tells me since her "esteemed" headmistress is now sucking down the bottle of sake like a baby. "The three classes are based on one's magical ability. Rei and I are in the one for those who can use it, although there are separate styles of learning. Rei's was born with her magic, and mine was developed through hard work. Sasuke is from those who don't have magical abilities at all, but are blessed with the ability to manipulate their own physical strengths, their chakra. And then there are those who can neither use magic nor chakra. They become scholars. Of course, to even be admitted to the Shikon Academy is in credibly rare and you must possess incredible talent. To just be able to use magic is not enough, as anyone can do it. The ability is to be able to master it."

"Boring!" Rei slurs as she bumps into Lilka, crying a little as she spills some of her alcohol on the floor. Then she looks at Zidane and Dagger. "So, who's going to be bunking together? Last I knew, we were full up."

"Ah, yes, of course. Rick here will be staying with Sasuke." Ichinose laughs as she looks at me. Um… why is that funny?

"Great, now I have to live with another freak," the ninja complains. Geez, he's acting like I'm constantly all over him or something.

"What about this one?" Rei inquires as she begins playing with Dagger's hair again. I thought she'd given up on the princess?

"She can stay with you, Rei," the woman says as she pitches another empty bottle and reaches under her desk for a full one. How many has she gone through since I've been here?

"NO!" Dagger suddenly wails as she moves away from Rei and hides behind Lilka. Having lost her support, Rei falls and drops her bottle to the floor. What little bit was left spills out.

"Aw…" Zidane murmurs at the loss of booze until Ichinose tosses him another one. Can someone tell me if Gaia has a drinking age?

"Is there something wrong with Rei?" the headmistress asks the startled princess.

"I think she just doesn't want to get raped when she goes to sleep," Sasuke interjects.

Looking indignant, Rei sloshes back onto her feet and points at the ninja before yelling. "I swear, so what if I got drunk? How was I supposed that I stumbled into the wrong room and fondled the wrong guy. Most would have loved it. But no. You have to be Mr. Prude all the time!"

Sasuke returns to ignoring us.

"Fine. The princess can room with Ino and Sakura." It figures those two would be here if Sasuke and Naruto are.

"Crap. Then can I have the cute monkey?" the blue-haired girl whines as she slumps against Zidane.

"Nope," Ichinose laughs. "He can stay with Andar and Lesune."

I don't know those two. What a relief. Here I was hoping Zidane would end up with some nutcases. But instead of Rei he's with people I don't know.

"You are dismissed," the boss lady shouts with a wave of her hand before passing out on her desk.

That was interesting…

"Zidane, Dagger… If you two would come with me," Lilka offers to show them to their rooms for the night in addition to explaining to the people why they suddenly have new roommates.

"But I want to show someone something!" Rei whines before snatching away Zidane's bottle.

"You do too much of that as it is," Sasuke throws out before grabbing me by the collar of my jacket and walking away. I wave farewell to my friends as I'm dragged off by the sexy ninja.

Give me a minute to try to process everything that happened.

"…"

"…"

"…"

Nope, can't do it.

"Listen." Sasuke stops and pushes me into a tree, ignoring all of the girls looking at him. "Just stay out of my way and we'll get along fine."

Then, with that, he continues to drag me until we reach the dormitory. He is so cool.

We walk through the halls, various members of the male population of Shikon Academy asking Sasuke just who I am. He ignores them. Then we reach his room and he rips the door open before throwing me inside. I collide with something soft and warm before crashing to the floor.

"Geez, Sasuke, you're not even back an hour and already you're trying to kill me?"

"Shut up, Naruto," he says before slamming the door shut, leaving me alone with the blonder, dumber ninja.

"So, who're you?" Naruto asks when he realizes a human being.

"Um, I'm Rick, your new roommate."

The room is an example in contrasts if I've ever seen one. Half of it is spotless while the rest is like something out of my house back on Earth.

"Roommate? I wasn't told anything about getting a new roommate," he ponders as he sits back on his haunches. "Are you replacing Sasuke? Because you seem a lot cooler than him."

Me? Cooler than Sasuke? If it weren't for the fact that I'm uncertain as to whether the two are in love with or absolutely hate each other, I'd swear he was crazy. But, alas, he's just stupid.

"I'm new and they were short on rooms." A half-lie is harmless, isn't it?

"Oh. I was just getting ready to make some ramen. Want some?"

"What kind?"

Can I just say I'm glad he has yet to say "believe it"?

"Miso. It's really good!"

That's a vegetable, isn't it? Then it should be safe.

"Why not?" I shrug. I didn't exactly eat anything for breakfast today, and my stomach's gurgling.

"Cool. Want to take your coat off?"

I finger the scratchy material for a moment before answering him. "…no. I'm good."

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A/N: This chapter was, erm, random. And before I scare anyone off, Rick will not be romantically involved with either Sasuke or Naruto. But you can expect the plot to take a turn on the back-burner. The next few chapters will be more about character development. Then it will get REALLY weird.


	27. A High School Fic on Crack!

Chapter 27: A High School Fic on Crack!

A/N: I would like to first apologize to anyone that may have been offended by the comments of a certain reviewer. Let me just assure you that, seeing as how his insults have extended beyond this piece of work and to you and myself, he has been blocked. Though not as bad as I have on this chappy. Where do you go after getting everyone drunk?

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Why am I here again? Oh, right, to protect Dagger. Could someone please tell me how protecting Dagger involves me standing alone in the middle of an empty field, with Zidane and Dagger standing on one side with Ichinose (a cooler full of alcohol at her side, naturally) and one person standing at each of the other three. Did I mention this clearing has a rectangular shape, and in that unnatural football field way?

I recognize one of the people, but not the other two. Whom I recognize is Sakura: pink hair and all. The others… not so much. One is a boy with grey hair that barely reaches his ears, and the other is a girl with black hair and a wand in her hand.

"Um, could you explain what is going on?" I ask Ichinose with a yawn.

Rick didn't get much sleep, you see, seeing as how all he had to sleep on was the floor with some dirty clothes stuffed into a pillowcase courtesy of Naruto. Not so much as a spare blanket was spared. Neither of my new roommates offered to let me sleep with them, or even give up a blanket. Can you believe how rude they are? Stupid Naruto. Stupid Sasuke. I wouldn't have minded if they'd given me one of the beds and then curled up together in the other before exploding into a frenzy of wild, underage man-sex. Not that such thoughts makes me a pedophile or anything.

"It's simple," the headmistress wheezes between chugs. "We're going to test what aptitude you have for battle, whether you apply magical or physical techniques. They've been instructed not to kill."

Battle? As in combat? I look at my friends pleadingly, but Dagger looks off in another direction while Zidane shrugs. I am so screwed.

"Is there some way to bypass this?" I inquire with a raised hand as Sakura and the others begin to walk in my direction.

"This is tradition," Sakura explains.

With a wave of her latest bottle of booze, Ichinose begins the match. Sakura leaps into the air, throwing a couple kunai at me. I dodge them in time to meet a fireball face to face courtesy of wand-lady. Being burned does not feel good. Then Mr. Grey-hair punches me in the chest with his hands, which are as hard as stone.

Sakura yells something at the guy, whose name is Ni, about how they're supposed to go easy on me. I would make a witty remark, but my chest hurts. Ow. Stupid lungs. Why can't they be tougher? It's not like I smoke. And I'm so not counting the whole being set on fire thing.

Then, while they're distracted, I take off running. Ni yells at me to stop, but I don't. Screw this. Dagger isn't worth my good looks, and these people obviously don't care about those.

I trip just as a stream of water goes flying at me, so it flies over my head. It's pretty strong, too. This is scary. What would have happened to me if they weren't taking it easy on me?

"Why is this kid just running around in circles?" Ichinose inquires after my being beaten around for a few more minutes. "Doesn't he know how to fight?"

"No, actually," I hear Zidane confess while I'm RUNNING FOR MY LIFE! "He's never really been the violent type."

"Speak for yourself," Dagger comments, which brings a small grin to my face until I'm kicked in the back of the head by Sakura. Seriously, this bruising is going to take ages to go away. "Besides, his movements are actually a spiral. Not circles."

My friends are so helpful. Here I am, getting smacked around by magical ninjas or whatever, and they're comparing circles and spirals. Wait! I'm moving in a spiral? There had better be some benefits to this whole universal over-lapping thing.

Soul of Ice. Soul of Ice. What the heck is a Soul of Ice again?

Managing to ignore the blows to my body, I continue the spiral until I reach the center. This had better work.

"Hiryu Shoten Ha!" I shout as I spin on a dime and thrust my fist out at my attackers. As a reward for my hard effort, Sakura catches me in the knee with a kunai, Ni smashes one of his magically enhanced fists into my jaw, and the still-unnamed girl blasts me with a bolt of lightning.

Ow. And I thought watching Showgirls hurt…

"That is enough," Ichinose declares.

Her eyes are still locked on me as I rip the projectile blade from my leg. That really hurts. And then it happens again. My body begins to glow, for the first time since Dali all those weeks ago. Instinctively, I look at my wrist where the bangle is. The green Materia is lighting up this time as the pain from my injuries lessen. This is so creepy.

Zidane and Dagger run over to me with concerned faces. The three people that I had just been "fighting" are backing away despite their obvious curiousness.

"Princess… was that… THAT?" Zidane stutters as we watch the cut on my leg close up on its own. I'm more fascinated than scared, which is more than I can say for my friends.

"Yeah, Honey, I think it was," I tell Zidane with a grim smile. Then I look over at Ichinose.

She has a bottle of something or other to her lips, but isn't drinking the contents. I wonder if she's trying to figure what I was doing when I shouted those bizarre words during my failed attack, or if she thinks I did the whole magical healing thing on purpose. Because I'm not sure which one Rick is least looking forward to explaining.

"Very well, I've decided. While you would be a perfect candidate for our scholar program, I feel you would work better in our magical program."

Is that it? Ichinose chugs down an entire bottle of booze before ordering Ni to show me the way to the magic wing of the school. When I complain about wanting to see Zidane and Dagger get the crap beat out of them, the guy with the grey hair advises me to just do as I'm told. It seems the headmistress can develop a bit of a temper. The last thing I need is to tick off another woman with ungodly amounts of power.

"Can we stop by room so I can pick some stuff up first?" I ask while looking over my shoulder. Zidane is up against a couple of guys I don't know and a very familiar looking redhead. The monkey starts to hit on her. Then she begins cursing and smashing her fists into his body before Ichinose gives the okay. Where do I know her from?

"Why not? It's not like this place is all that interesting," Ni consents. We head of in the direction of the men's dorms.

People look at me, obviously remembering that I'm the guy they saw Sasuke dragging around yesterday. Or it could be the bruises. I would say they were enamoured by my beauty, but they can't exactly see it because of the bruises. Unless the healing thing made the bruises go away. In which case it probably is these random people wondering just why some sap like Ni is walking around with someone as gorgeous as myself. He's just lucky like that.

When we get to door that leads into my new room, I stare at the handle helplessly. I don't have a key. We are so locked out of my dorm room.

"What are you waiting for?" Ni asks as he reaches past me and turns the handle before pushing the door open.

"Are these things supposed to be locked?" my brain is wondering how this guy could know that the door to my room is open when I didn't even know.

"Yeah," he nods before walking past me and surveying the disaster that Naruto has left behind. "The blond guy who lives here broke the lock last week, though. Just don't tell Sasuke. Despite how big of a dunce he is, we actually do like Naruto here. He always makes sure to be the leave and the first to come back. So far he's kept his roommate in the dark."

So people here actually like Naruto? That's a welcome change from the reality that I know him from.

"Do you mind if I use your restroom?" the boy asks as I begin to sort through the stuff on the floor in search of my satchel.

"Go ahead," I shrug as I kick a stale loaf of bread away. You would think I'd be mortified at the damage Naruto has done to this room. Then again, you've also never met my brother. The one on Earth, that is. He's about as bad as the kitsune himself. And yes, that last sentence is a joke. Rick does not speak fangirl Japanese.

How the heck did I lose that thing? I kept it on me throughout the whole talk with Ichinose last night, and then Sasuke drug me back here, where I proceeded to listen to Naruto ramble on about how he was the greatest and other such crap. People with big egos are annoying, no matter how cute they are.

"GET OUT!" someone screams over and over after Ni opens the door to the bathroom. I jerk my head over in his direction and catch a profile shot of Naruto standing in front of the toilet with his pants around his ankles and the toilet seat up. Ni moving would be a really good thing, since he's blocking the good stuff. And I swear I'm not a pedophile.

The boy with the grey hair is blushing something awful when he looks back at me. Lucky bas…

"Could we go now?" he asks in a slightly high-pitched voice before closing the door.

"I still need to find my…" I start before seeing my satchel lying in the middle of the dining table in the kitchenette. "Never mind."

After grabbing the bag from the table, we walk out the front door. I'm sure Ni is wishing that he could forget what just happened because he doesn't really say anything until we make it out of the dorms.

"So, I take it that's your first time seeing a naked guy?" I ask as we cross the unnaturally green grass. There are other kids, ranging from Naruto and Sasuke's age to some who are probably older than me, lounging around in the sunshine that shouldn't exist. It has to be because of the Mana build-up, I'm telling you. There weren't any monsters around Ascantha, either.

Ni's face goes even redder at this. "J-just shut up."

With a roll of my eyes, I let it go. Straight people can be so uptight. I doubt Rei would be acting like this if she walked in on Naruto. Then again, she'd probably ask him if he needed a hand. And there isn't enough gil in the world to convince me to ask Ni if that's what he was thinking.

We just walk silently, with some stares still shooting my way. Seriously, what is going on around here? Are people really that interested in me? Unless they think I'm romantically involved with Ni or something. Rei seemed to be the, ahem, "popular" type, so who knows what's going on. All I know is that somehow that line of thought seems inappropriate after…

"Penguins are evil," I blurt out in some random attempt to change my thinking. Seeing as how I have Ni eyeing me warily, something says that may very well happen.

"Why did you just say that?" he asks curiously. I also notice his eyes darting back and forth to see if anyone is paying attention to us. Naturally, they are. A declaration of the evils of penguins isn't something sane people do.

"My 'twin sister' Brandy is deathly afraid of penguins. Well, she's actually a friend that I met through some rather unconventional means and I haven't really had much to do with lately, but…"

Then I stop. That's right. In addition to all of the family I left behind, there're also my friends. People like Brandy living with a new Rick that probably does do the dishes and doesn't know that you never wear a brown belt when the rest of your outfit is black. Monochromatic style has one colour for a reason, after all.

But how has this change affected the people in the life that I lived for all of those years? Has the Rick that went back to his land of birth learned that he really belongs there, or is he still wandering around confused and quite possibly depressed? Has he realized that he can never come back here and moved on? Did he get depressed and kill himself? Are my friends and family now standing around a casket and crying over a boy who wasn't really the person they knew and yet belonged there more than I ever could have?

"Are you crying?" Ni inquires as my thoughts begin to grow darker and darker.

"Just a little homesick," I murmur as I wipe at my eyes with my palms. I'm not wearing make-up, so I'm not too worried about what the tears will do to my face. The worst that'll happen is that I get puffy. And compared to the depressing things that were just running through my mind, I'll go with the puffiness.

"Where are you from?" We start walking again. This time he's the one initiating the conversation. Which doesn't really seem to be his style, if the last twenty minutes has shown me anything.

"I travel around a lot, but I was born in Ascantha." That's probably as close to the truth as I can come without totally blowing this guy's mind.

Why aren't I blowing his mind? Why don't I just come out and tell everyone, or at least my friends, all of the troubles that I'm going through? Stranger things have happened. Like my totally kicking Dagger's butt after our escape from Alexandria. That's over with, though. She got what was coming to her, and I got my satchel back. Even if my incredibly hot suit is gone…

Stupid Dagger.

We chitchat idly about world affairs or something. I'm not really listening, since the images in my head are much more interesting than whatever the guy is saying. I can vividly remember that night I had bought the suit for: dancing with Zidane and being dropped when he saw Dagger kiss Seifer; Michael soothing my hurt feelings after Zidane had unknowingly dumped me and I thought Michael had stood me up. I was kissed for the first time that night. Romantically, anyway. Yes, I'm sure Angelo and I kissed on the night I gave up my virginity, but that wasn't really me. This was. It was my lips that met his, my fingers that searched for a place on him to hold until they rested on his butt. I was the one that gave in to my feelings of despair and loss. When I look back on it, I'm sure I was madder about being stood up than I was depressed. Zidane was the one who really hurt me, and I took it out on poor Michael. And then I used him to make myself feel better. I'm such an awful person…

"Are you even listening to me?"

I find a finger poking me in the forehead. Doubting that it's the handiwork of Ni, I blink before stepping away from the digit. Why aren't I surprised to see Rei? She's in a different outfit than the one she wore in Lindblum, but it's still blue. And she's still showing off things that she doesn't have yet.

"What are you talking about?" I look around and realize that while I was moping about how thoughtless I am we somehow ended up in doors. Looking over at Ni, I notice that he seems to be drooling rather heavily. Am I missing something here? What is it about this girl that's so wonderful? She has yet to hit on me, after all.

"I said I found you a guy, nimrod. He's right over there." She points to some guy with long red hair, a pink shirt that's opened to show his chest, and really puffy white pants. Curse those evil pants! Oh, right, and he kind of looks like a girl. Who the heck is this guy? He looks kind of familiar. Rei raises a hand in the air and starts to wave it around. "Hey! Zelos! Get over here!"

Zelos? Pardon me while I drag this girl off and bludgeon her to death.

Of course, I wouldn't really do something like that. I do kick her hard in the back of the leg while the guy makes his way over. And then she backhands me into Ni, and we both go flying into a nearby wall, missing a gathering of girls by inches.

"Idiot!" she hisses as she turns around to look at me as I lay there on the poor boy underneath me. It hurts too much to move. And my stupid Materia isn't working. "After I go through all the trouble…"

Then she screams as a pair of hands from behind try to make their way up her shirt.

"Not me!" she cries angrily as she pulls the hands out and chucks Zelos over her head. He lands on top of me, naturally. I'm starting to think Ni is dead. There isn't much movement down there.

"Why else would you want me, my little blue cutie?" Zelos inquires as he uses me to push himself up. Jerk. The MCoDs lash out but miss him by a hair.

"I _was_ going to set you up with that guy on the floor, but now you both annoy me." She pouts and turns her back to us.

The Chosen's jaw drops as he looks back in my direction. "Are you kidding me? Rei! I told you that I'm straight!"

"No straight man dresses like that," the girl argues back as she begins to nitpick every part of his ensemble. I'm forced to agree with her on just about every point. "Besides, you have to admit he's kind of cute."

"You're never going to get me to say that Ni's cute."

Crawling away from the boy that I'm now sure is unconscious, I claw at Zelo's calf with the MCoDs. He cries out before turning around and kicking me in the head.

Not only am I being knocked around by crazy women, but now I'm a victim of crazy men that look like women? That's probably the only reason he was selected to be a Chosen. Why else choose a man as Martel's vessel when she's a woman?

"I was talking about Rick." Rei kneels down and looks into my face. "I was trying to be nice. Why did you kick me?"

"You call THAT nice?" I jab a finger in the direction of the redhead who has since taken to hitting on the gathering of girls that Ni and I almost took out.

"I thought you two would make a cute couple."

Before things can get too much more, erm, whatever adjective best describes what's going on, I'm rescued by someone I haven't seen in awhile.

"Rick? Is that you?" brushing her frizzy hair from her face, Hermione kneels next to Rei. Her arms are filled with books. Naturally, Rei is trying to look down her top but said books are blocking her view. "What are you doing here in the Seilje Region?"

"How many times do we have to tell you that nobody calls it that anymore?" Rei asks with a sigh as she stands up and pushes Zelos to the side and starts hitting on those girls whom I still don't know. Oh, and Ni is still lying on the floor in an unconscious heap.

"Come on," the witch intones as she offers her hand. I take it and she hauls me to my feet. "So what are you doing here?"

Should I lie to her? Probably. Until we can get alone, anyhow. Though should I even bother to tell her the whole complex tale? It's not like we're friends or anything. The only thing we have in common is that we're both Drifters. Unlike Fujin, she wasn't there for the important stuff. She hasn't lost anyone important to her.

"We're just visiting, though we don't know for how long," I tell her as we start walking away from the brawl that is Zelos and Rei trading blows over the girls who have already run away in fear. We round a corner and leave behind an explosion. I do hope Ni is okay.

"I wish those two would grow up." Hermione shakes her head and readjusts the mass of literature in her arms. I take a couple to lighten her load and notice their titles. Both are related to dimensional travel. So she still hasn't given up? I never told Fujin the truth, all of those things my mother told me. Should I withhold it from someone else?

"Are they like that often?" I ask, silently deciding to keep yet another secret. What right do I have to take away her hope?

"Not usually. Rei is supposed to get the scholars and the magical students, while Zelos's gets whoever is left. Guess he forgot where he was." Is it weird that she's saying this with a straight face? "If you want to see something, you should watch Rei and Sasuke go at it. When I first woke up here in Gaia, I made the mistake of sticking around the first time I saw them fight. When I woke up I counted three kunai in my left arm and several burns everywhere else."

And I thought it was bad when they sniped at each other in front of me.

"Sasuke's my roommate. For the time being, anyhow." I cough a little on the smoke emanating from the battleground. There's a sound like glass exploding and I look back to see large icicles imbed themselves in the portion of the wall that I can see. Why am I the only one disturbed by this?

"Really?" Hermione looks me over critically. "I wonder what Naruto said when he learned he was moving out. Those two are so transparent it's ridiculous."

Aha! A chance to dins out what's really going on! "So… are you saying there's something more to the story there?"

"There isn't if you ask them," she winks. Then she turns the conversation into a direction I really don't want it to go. "Rick, I've been looking for weeks but haven't found anything new about what happened to us or how we can get home. I know it's a long shot, but have you stumbled across something that could help us?"

"Um…" I nervously tap my feet as I search my head for an answer. Not finding one, I look back at the direction we'd just come from to see Zelos crash into the wall that the ice had perforated. He stands up and runs back out of sight with a fist raised. A glance at Hermione shows that I really am the only one surprised by this. "Maybe we should talk about this somewhere else."

She eyes me wearily but nods. It seems that this place had enacted some changes in her as well. If my knowledge of the books is correct, then she would have demanded I tell her anything I know right then and there, since nobody would be around for fear of being caught in the crossfire between the blue-haired girl and the redheaded boy.

We turn another corner and run into Lilka. Is it going to be a case of I run into absolutely everyone I know today? I was so hoping that this Shikon Academy or whatever it's called would provide me a place of refuge from the insanity that's been plaguing me lately.

"Lilka! Good timing, Rick has something he wants to tell us." I question the wisdom of including a no-Drifter in the conversation, and Hermione reminds me that the pig-tailed girl was there when we talked in Lindblum.

"Actually, before we do that, I have to show you this new spell I just learned. It's supposed to wake someone from unconsciousness in a snap." I consider telling her to use it on Ni so that he can escape the war that only I seem to be noticing (Rei and Zelos just wandered back into view engaged in a flurry of punches and kicks). But I don't because that would mean going back, and if the lightning bolts I just saw the two fighters blasting at each other were any indication, then that is a bad idea.

"We don't have anyone whose been knocked out, unless you want me to whack Hermione over the head," I offer as I raise the books up high. Jokingly, of course.

The girl just shakes her head while the Drifter glares at me. "Nah, I want to show that I can do it is all. Watch." She pulls out her wand and begins waving it around in what is either and incredibly complex or incredibly random pattern. All I know is that I'm not able to follow it. Then there's another explosion, this one seems to rock the entire building, and Hermione falls, taking me down with her and scattering the books all over the floor. Lilka slips as well, as she comes down her wand finds itself pointed in my direction. Yet another light (this makes how many over the last couple of days?) engulfs myself and the buck-toothed one.

When the spots leave my vision, I find that I'm somehow sitting on wet grass with Hermione's head in my lap. The rain that's coming down on us explains the grass, anyhow.

"I thought it was all sunny and stuff outside," I mutter, assuming that the combination of Rei's battle with Zelos and Lilka's misplaced magic somehow knocked Hermione and me through the wall. Although I'm sure the impact should've hurt more than it did…

"Rick? Where are we?" Hermione sounds a little afraid as she looks around. I follow her lead and see that we aren't on the lawns of Shikon Academy after all. In fact, we're lying in the middle of a rather large expanse of land with no buildings in sight.

"Do you think we're unconscious?" I ask as I look at the yellow on my bangle. It's as dull as Naruto.

"Why would you say that?" the girl stands up and it's then that I notice she's not dressed at all like she was before. Now she's in a plain grey tunic that's cinched together at the waist by an equally plain black belt, and on her feet are wooden sandals of the variety that monks always wore in manga. And did I mention that her hair looks as though it's been died grey cut in a style like Victoria Beckham's, even if it's just as frizzy as it always is? Plus, there is also the fact that her ears are suddenly pointed like an elf's.

"Whenever I've been knocked out, I've had these dreams where I'm in another world or something. And there's this annoying girl named Cami who makes fun of me."

A silver eyebrow, and I notice all of her hair is this colour, raises itself. "You are a very bizarre person."

"You have no idea."

I stand up and try to wipe the mud from my butt, and it's then that I notice the evil. My pants have gone from the jeans Zidane had given me to this puffy monstrosity. That's right, I am wearing PUFFY PANTS! They're black, and I pull at the shirt I'm wearing to see that it's red and sleeveless. Rick does not do sleeveless. He consents to short sleeves on occasion, but Rick would rather have his sleeves. He's found that they do offer _some_ protection against the monsters and crazy women that bite him.

On top of that, my jacket that Michael gave me is gone and, in case I forgot to mention it, it's raining. I do look good when I'm wet, but seeing as how the only person around to impress is Hermione, I would rather be warm and dry. At least I still have the satchel. Don't ask me what it's doing here, though, when the rest of my outfit was left behind or whatever.

Shouldn't that Materia have started to work by now?

"Rick? Do you have any idea what's going on?" Hermione asks in a fearful voice as she wraps a trembling arm around my waist. "Where are we?"

"I don't know," I answer in a voice that sounds just as frightened as hers. If this is the same thing I experience when I get knocked out, then that stupid Cami person should've showed up or my Materia should've kicked in. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

Hermione then smacks me upside the head. "I am not the dog. Now get serious. Do you have any idea what's going on? I've never read abut anything like this."

Trying to smooth down the stupid puffy pants, I tell Hermione that I have no idea. This isn't Gaia. Aside from the feeling I have that I'm not where I should be, there isn't any Mist in sight.

I brush rain from my forehead with the back of my hand. This rain is really a pain. It only seems to be coming down heavier and faster. Don't tell me that there's going to be a thunderstorm.

As if to confirm my unvoiced thoughts, there's a flash of lightning that blinds me for a moment seeing as how it happens right in front of Hermione and me. The breath is actually pulled from my lungs; that's how close it is. As my eyes begin to once again adjust to the light, or lack thereof, I catch sight of a third person just as the thunder that accompanies the lightning rumbles.

"You two shouldn't be here," the woman, as I realize that's what the stranger is, says. And she has a Scottish accent. Can I just say how jealous I am? All my life (well, most of it, anyhow) I've been stuck with a MidWestern accent and then I come to Gaia to adapt the same way of speaking that they all use, and now I have to listen to a woman who has a voice that is neither generic nor reminiscent of Ben Stein.

"Where are we, exactly?" Hermione asks, suddenly emboldened. I'm still kind of cowering because this woman looks like she could easily fall into the crazy woman category. Though I don't think I've met one yet who hasn't.

"I figure you would know, Rick."

What the heck? "How do you my name?"

"We know a lot about you, Rick. You, too, Hermione. We're very interested in how you came to be in Gaia. And now you're in Sylvarant…" then she drops the mysterious voice and pulls a hand back. "As good an opportunity as it would be to study your phenomena, I'm afraid you need to go back to your home world."

Then her fist connects with my jaw. Ow. I knew she was going to be insane. I KNEW IT!

"It didn't work?" The woman looks at her hand in confusion. She pushes Hermione out of the way, the witch falling into a mud puddle, and punches me again. And again. And again. After about ten blows she lets up. And I'm pretty cure I have a concussion. Her eyes manage to pierce mine through the pain. "What are you?"

Then those same eyes latch onto my forearm.

"You shouldn't…" she grabs my bangle and rips it off. Then she pushes me out of the way and bends over Hermione. I hear the girl scream in protest, but the Scot resurfaces with the necklace in her other hand. She looks at me again and I feel myself shiver. "Thank heavens Kaoru is in Te'thealla right now. I don't know what I'd do if you actually had come here while he was still in Sylvarant."

Te'thealla? Sylvarant? Tales of Symphonia? I feel a headache coming on, and this one isn't related to the bruising from the psycho's attack.

She disappears in another flash of lightning and I look over at Hermione. Her eyes are streaked with tears and her lower lip is trembling in fear. I crawl over to her, what with the pain being too much at the moment for me to stand, and pull her into a hug. I have no idea what's going on. But that crazy woman does know how to make to entrance, even if the exit is a little repetitive.

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A/N: And you were afraid this story would fall into predictable territory, didn't you? Well, I don't do high school fics. And anyone wandering who the mysterious woman at the end should read "The Fox Meets Sylvarant" by Animesage. I got his permission to do this storyline a few months ago but am only getting around to it now. Don't you love my laziness?


	28. Got Any Bug Spray?

Chapter 28: Got Any Bug Spray?

A/N: I hope you guys weren't turned off by the filler-ness of the last chapter. But as for this one, I do not own this "version" of Tales of Symphonia, as it is the brainchild of Animesage. The same goes for the OC that'll be showing up. You'll know who it is soon enough. You don't want me to ruin the surprise, do you?

Still, this isn't so much a crossover as it a "borrowed" world. After this arc is wrapped up… Nope, not ruining the surprise. XP

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Yesterday keeps picking at my brain, especially the whole me and Hermione coming to Sylvarant thing. I mean, Gaia was enough to drive a man insane with its bounty of violent women. But now I have to deal with cross-dressing angels and the various half-elf conspiracies. Rick is in serious trouble. He only played through ToS once, and didn't even finish it. Stupid Kratos and his vague details about using the Tower of Salvation to infiltrate Derris-Kharlan.

Hermione's asleep. Finding herself in yet another world that she knows nothing about scared her pretty badly. On top of that, she also had to deal with being attacked by that nutty Scottish woman. Unfortunately, I can relate. The woman didn't even seem human, what with her brown hair not being thrown about by the wind and all. Then again, humans don't use lightning bolts to travel do they?

Bark digs into the back of my head as I lean back into the tree we're under. The rain got really bad last night and we moved for the nearest thing we could use as shelter. I know you're not supposed to get under a tree during a thunderstorm for some unknown reason, but the leaves and branches did seem to offer some form of protection from the harsh winds and cold rain.

I still can't believe I'm in Sylvarant. On top of that, I have absolutely no idea where in the dying world I am. Rick played it through the one time and never actually finished it, much like his adventures with FFIX. With her oddly coloured hair and pointy ears, I'm also left to figure that Hermione is either an elf or a half-elf. Seeing as how the elven colony is in Te'thealla, she's probably a half-breed. I really do feel sorry for her. If she thought being a "mudblood" was bad…

The thing that bugs me the most is the fact that the brown-haired Scot mentioned something about Kaoru being on Te'thealla. Wasn't Kaoru the name of that Cami chick's boyfriend? The one with the fan? I mean, the name thing could be a coincidence, but what are the odds? Something tells me that the Kaoru from my dreams and the Kaoru that angry brunette was talking about are related somehow. Although the Kaoru I actually met was in that distorted Gaia. Unless, this world overlaps with that one in some way. But then why am I able to go to their worlds while they haven't come to mine? Is there something special about me that makes me a Drifter? And that Sense Materia was supposed to be my anchor to bring me back to Gaia should something like this happen. Well, it's definitely happened. But the Materia never worked, and now it's gone. So does this mean I'm trapped in Sylvarant for the rest of my life, never able to return home to Gaia, or am I going to drift aimlessly from world to world in a Quantum Leap shtick?

These thoughts make my head hurt.

I put my full weight on the tree with an exhausted sigh. How can Hermione sleep at a time like this? Then again, maybe it's because she doesn't know as much about the predicament as I do, which isn't really all that much. All I know is that I'm exhausted but my brain won't shut up. And it's not even about something good like Oprah or George Clooney. It's nothing but Gaia and Sylvarant and Te'thealla. Hermione has no idea how lucky she is to not be a fan of videogames and anime. I know what happens in all of the eventualities that we're going to experience. I may not know how they end, but that's not really what's important right now. What's important is finding something else to wear. These hideous pants really are evil.

Rummaging through the contents of the satchel once more, I start to find the stuff that I had ignored during the one time I'd "taken inventory" back in the Inn at Lindblum. There are some more clothes in the same Kobain-esque style as what I'd bought for Dagger in Dali, but I find Grunge to be just as horrible as puffy pants so I pass them over. Also, that jar of Lindblum pickles is still there. Then my fingers close around one of those stones that Dagger and her little refuge entourage had gathered while we were separated. I pull it out and look it over. Unlike when I wore the Materia, this time the stone isn't pulsing with some strange light. Instead, it's just as dull as any other rock. An instinct makes me put it back into the satchel as opposed to pitching it.

The moon shines brightly overhead, but its light doesn't seem to be anywhere near us. It almost seems as if we're being avoided by it. Time-wise, if I were to guess, it's probably between three and five in the morning judging by the overwhelming darkness. This is the first time I've experienced such darkness. On Earth I lived in Suburbia, and the nearing towns always drowned out the sky with their lights. Even Gaia didn't provide this kind of blackness. Lindblum was always so bright, and even those nights out in the wilderness there was always a fire or something else to spoil it. Until last night, or perhaps I should say tonight, I haven't experienced a perfect night. I hope I never have to again.

Hermione whimpers fitfully but doesn't wake. It's probably just a bad dream or something. It's a shame this isn't a dream. Because then I something would come along and I'd wake up back in Gaia where I belong, instead of what is bound to be mindless wandering in Salvarant and perhaps Te'thealla.

Did I just wish to wake up in Gaia? When did I stop wanting to go back to Earth?

"Craptastic," I tell myself as I toss the satchel onto the ground and smack the back of my head into the tree trunk in a symbolic attempt to drive the negative thoughts out of my head. All I end up with is a headache and what I'm sure will develop into a sore knot. Stupid skull being all soft.

At my side is a sword. Well, more a long dagger than a sword, but it's a sharp, metallic weapon nonetheless. I didn't notice it the first time I looked myself over because it was in a sheath hooked onto the back of my pants, as opposed to the more traditional location known as my side. Something tells me that I don't want to know why my weapon was hidden. What's even more vexing than that, though, is why Hermione and I woke up in the same place. We were scattered all over the world when we returned to Gaia, and only met through coincidence. Unless my mother did some behind the scenes work to make sure we found each other in Lindblum during the Festival of the Hunt. Then again, I haven't told Hermione about Fujin yet, have I?

Something snaps and I tense up, ready to wake Hermione and start running. But I look around and don't see any monsters or fiends or whatever it is they're called in this world. Will my lack of paying attention to detail ever NOT catch up with me?

Fortunately, it's just from where Hermione has rolled over onto a stick that the storm dislodged from the tree. The thing isn't particularly big, so I'm not surprised it didn't wake her, but how can she sleep when we're both soaked? And it's pretty cold out. I wonder if Sylvarant has actual seasons or if everything stays the same like it does in the game. I mean, I don't know for sure if that's how things are in Gaia, either. I was only there for a few weeks before this happened. Even though I don't know exactly how it happened.

It could have been Lilka's magic that brought us here, but that simplifies things too much, and I know nothing is ever really as simple as it seems. And that doesn't explain why the Materia didn't work, either. There's probably something else going on. My mother did say something along the lines of not knowing why we were all taken from our home world and thrust into those other lives. I think. Rick was too hopped up on his emotional yet incredibly justified indignation at being stolen from a life that wasn't really his to memorize every detail of the conversation.

Why can't I go to sleep? As soon as Hermione wakes up, she's going to want to find some sort of civilization, some town to go to in order to be safe and maybe find out just where we are. Not to mention the fact that we don't have any food or water. Sure, there are the Lindblum pickles, but that's a last "only open the jar if I've already eaten Hermione's dead body" resort type of thing.

Again, I look at the sword/dagger thing at my side, which had been completely forgotten in my panic of a few moments ago. What good am I going to be on this journey that's undoubtedly ahead of us? If I'm right, and Hermione's a half-elf, then she'll still be able to cast magic, but I'll just be a coward like I was on Gaia, like I was on Earth. I won't be running around with a sword, or perhaps even flinging around magic spells and manipulating the weaknesses of these enemies I recognize but really can't remember anything about.

Sure, on Gaia I helped out in some fights like Ice Cavern's battle against Elena, but whenever I do that I'm just a distraction. Here, though, that won't be good enough. Hermione's magic wouldn't work on Gaia, something Lilka had told me during on of her visits in the week following the attack on Lindblum and Michael's death. So odds are the abilities she gained from both Hogwarts and Shikon Academy are going to be useless here as well. That means each world has its own rules regarding magic, Mana, and the like. So it looks like she's going to have interval between when she initiates a spell and when it's actually cast in which she can't be harmed. And I certainly won't be able to protect her. Even if I did take the sword with me, and knew how to use the thing, it's just the two of us, and if my experiences on Gaia are anything to go by, then monsters tend to like attacking in groups. And I won't be able to hold them off by myself, and Hermione will get attacked before she can sufficiently build up her Mana, and thus we'll be screwed. And I know that neither of us has any melee combat experience.

I notice streaks of pink starting to break up the stars overhead. So it's later than I thought. Or is it earlier? Stupid time. I'm going to have to wake Hermione up soon. The monsters, which were probably scared off by the storm and are now sleeping, will detect our presence soon enough and hunt us down.

Still, there is some time before that happens. She should sleep. She should enjoy her dream world a little longer before returning to the nightmare that is reality. And how clichéd is that analogy? Seriously, though, this is all wrong. I know it was just a coincidence that I was in Alexandra at the same time as Vivi and Tantalus. And odds are that Lloyd's group isn't on Sylvarant right now. That Scottish woman mentioned this Kaoru guy being on Te'thealla and how she was that he wasn't "still" on Sylvarant, which means that at some point he was in this world. Though whether he's running around with the Chosen's group or one of the Renegades is unclear.

And that whole "Chosen" thing reminds me that Tales of Symphonia was really a rip-off of FFX. I mean, one girl destined to save the world by traveling to holy sites in the company of a group of protectors, one of whom is her main love interest (although they never actually become canon) and he just also happens to be the son of one of the big bad guys who was also a hero in his own right a long time before. Yeah, it's a fun rip off with characters that I prefer, but it's a rip off nonetheless. And why does FFX seem as though it were inspired by the Canterbury Tales? Maybe it's the whole "Summoner on a Pilgrimage to holy sites" thing.

What is going on? I'm almost never this analytical of things that don't involve me. That other stuff just isn't as interesting as yours truly. Weird…

After a few more minutes, I crawl over to Hermione and nudge her awake. Of course, she thrashes about as she returns to the realm of the conscious, and I get smacked upside the head and knocked to the ground. Stupid Hermione.

"Rick?" she looks at me fearfully as her eyes focus. "What are you doing in my…" Then it hits her. I can tell just by looking in her eyes that she remembers the events of yesterday.

"Morning, Sunshine," I groan weakly as I struggle to stand up. While my brain might not want to shut down, the rest of me is ready to curl up in a soft bed and go night-night.

"Where are we?" she asks after we help each other stand up. We're both rather lethargic at the moment, although her condition will probably change after a few minutes.

"Sylvarant," I tell her with a sigh. We didn't really discuss this last night. Being attacked by a crazy brunette woman was too traumatic for the poor girl. It's just another day for me.

Then she inquires as to just where that is. She doesn't like my answer.

"_Another_ world?" she moans fitfully as she supports herself with the tree I'd been ruminating against just minutes before. "One was bad enough. I don't even have my notes. What am I going to do for research? I barely feel any magic in this world, anyw…"

She catches herself and gulps before looking at me and requesting that I repeat what she just said. I do and she shakes her head in disbelief.

"Rick, that isn't possible. I could tell when magic had been used before, but I couldn't _sense_ it. That's not even strong enough a word. It's like I'm breathing the very thing it's composed of."

"Mana?" I inquire. She looks at me curiously.

"Where did you hear that word?"

"Videogames," I answer. She rolls her eyes.

"You have no idea how glad I am that those things didn't work at Hogwarts. Ron would be even more annoying than he was…" then her eyes widen as she catches herself. "I mean _is_."

So, I'm not the only one doing that these days. Fujin could very well have been doing it herself and I just never noticed. I mean, Raijin was too stupid to ever catch on and she doesn't speak much to begin with. I wonder what happened to her, Freya, Celes, and Rusty after we left them behind.

"Let's get moving before the less pleasant things here wake up," I tell her before slinging my satchel over my shoulder.

"What are you talking about?" Hermione's eyes scour the relative darkness around us, finding nothing. "I don't see anything."

"If you know anything about videogames, which seems unlikely seeing as how you sneered just now, then you would know that battles are pretty much a given." Again, she looks at me as though I'm speaking some foreign language. "Have you ever played a videogame?"

The girl shakes her head, the grey hair perched atop it moving oddly. "Why would I waste my time doing something like that? It's not like playing some stupid little game would ever do me any good in real life."

Does she have any idea what the heck is going on? Hermione is supposed to be the smart one. It's almost like she's in denial. Then again, I can't really blame her. Who would want to believe that something of this magnitude is happening to them? There are days that I still wake up thinking I'm in my bed back on Earth.

"Whatever," I sigh in a Squall Leonhart way before picking a random direction to set off in. "Let's just get moving. We're not exactly in the best position to be wasting time. We have no idea where we are, we have no food, and neither of us is accustomed to regular combat. Plus, these stupid pants are really getting on my nerves."

"You know," Hermione says as she struts past me with her nose turned up just the tiniest bit, "for a moment there you almost sounded like someone who knew what he was doing."

The MCoDs so want to school her in how you talk to Rick.

Regardless of how much I want to inflict physical pain on the witch, a wholly appropriate term for her, I just follow her as we set out under the lightening sky. Neither one of us speaks for what seems like hours, but which is probably only ten minutes.

"Rick…"

"What?" I ask in a harsher way than I intended.

"Never mind." She rolls her eyes again before sighing. She continues to sigh until I prompt her to speak. "Fine, you want to know what I'm going to ask you?"

"That's why we're talking isn't it?" I retort bitterly. Hermione snarls and I swear I see a puff of steam come out of her ears.

"You seem to know so much about what's going on. So what do I have to look forward to until I can figure out how to go back home to Shikon Academy?"

"Don't you mean Hogwarts?" I ask silently.

Again, the realization hits her. We really are a lot alike. Despite her talk of wanting to go back to jolly old England or whatever, deep down she feels that her home really is in Gaia. Just like me, except I don't really talk about going back to Earth, to my little house with my redneck family. How long has it been since I've actually wanted to go back to that place, anyway?

Things fall silent again.

We continue to walk until something slams into my side. I cry out and Hermione, who was a good four or five steps ahead of me, turns around. Blocking out the pain, I regard what it was that hit me. For my efforts, my vision explodes in a flash of red with black dots.

I shield my face a push out at whatever's attacking me with my hand. My fingers come into contact with something incredibly familiar that causes me to open my eyes. As I do so, I immediately wish I hadn't.

A giant green grasshopper leaps at me. As a last-ditch form of protection, I throw my arms up in front of my face, releasing whatever it was that I'd felt. The grasshoppers pincers pierce my forearm, causing me to scream, and my knees buckle. A part me stays with the creature, however, as a small delta of red and pain begins to form all over my arm.

"Rick!" Hermione shouts from somewhere nearby, but I hear a buzzing sound before something slams into the back of my head. My face smashes into the forearms of the grasshopper and it begins to cut up my cheeks until something knocks it away.

Thankful that my eyes haven't been wounded yet, I catch a glimpse of Hermione as she wrestles with the giant green insect that had attacked me. She's also losing.

Then whatever's been hitting me decide to do so again, knocking me onto my good side. Well, it was my good side, but seeing as how I came down on some jagged rocks and stuff.

I grab my bleeding arm with my good hand and roll off the rocks to see what looks like a giant ladybug come flying at me. So _that's_ what has been knocking me around all this time? That is just so…

My reaction time is slowed by the pain and my own thoughts, and the ladybug crashes into my stomach, winding me. Then it joins the dining party and takes a bite out of my abdomen. Well, it's more clothing than flesh, but it still really hurts. And when I sit up I see two small lines of red from where the skin was broken.

Hermione starts screaming for help and I see she's holding her thigh. The cloth around it is as red as my arm. The grasshopper leaps over the girl, landing directly behind her. It reaches out with its back legs, wrapping them around her upper torso, but I don't see what happens because the ladybug hits me in the side of the head. While I'm still reeling from the shock of that, I feel its leg on my shoulder before it bites my neck.

It doesn't get too much because I leaned forward at the last possible moment, but I feel its own little pincers tear a strip off the back of my neck which again makes me scream out.

"Blade Slap!"

The buzzing of the ladybug's wings, which I hadn't noticed until it just now, stops. Someone leaps over me and drives a small sword, much like the one I had left behind under the tree, into the skull of the grasshopper thing.

I can hear Hermione sobbing as our hero casually throws away the body of the giant insect.

"You guys are pathetic," the person, who happens to be a girl, says as she helps Hermione stand up.

She may have annoyed the crap out of me with her condescending attitude, but I never want to see Hermione look like this again. Her face appears to be relatively untouched with the exceptions of the smeared blood all over it, but her neck and what parts of the rest of her upper body I can see are little more than bleeding cuts, and her top appears to be shredded. She's still crying, the tears cutting a path through the dirt and blood on her cheeks, but not so much as she was just seconds before. Having someone here that can fight must be reassuring her for the moment.

As for our saviour, well, there really isn't much to say. She's tall and looks rather young, about my age, with light brown hair that compliments her olive-toned skin. Her bangs cascade over, but don't hide, her eyes which appear to be caught somewhere between green and hazel. Attire-wise, there isn't much to say, since there really isn't much to it. Literally. She's wearing a golden top that is cut just above her navel, and the neck is cut to show off her cleavage. They aren't as big as that Cami chick's. I'd have to say these are probably B-cups. Aside from that, she has a black choker around her neck with a purple, heart-shaped stone lying against the bare skin just above those breasts. Her pants are just plain old blue jeans shorts that ride up insanely high to show off her cellulite-free legs. Daisy Duke had more modesty. She's wearing golden boots to match her top, and on her left thigh is a leather sheath for her sword.

Why does just looking at her remind me of someone?

"I've never seen anyone so thoroughly thrashed by a grasshopper, let alone a ladybug," the girl says. Her eyes were locked onto me for the latter part of her sentence. "Who are you two?"

"I'm Rick," I gasp. Talking really hurts. Seeing as how Hermione has gone down to frightened whimpers, yet still unable to form actual words, I introduce her as well. "And you are?"

Raising her sword high into the air and resting her left heel on her right knee, the girl strikes a pose. "I am Melinda Curt, the sexiest mercenary in all of Sylvarant!"

Now I know who she reminds me of. Stupid Rei.

"Good for you," I wheeze as I look to open the satchel, which is impossible seeing as how it somehow landed five feet away and my hands are occupied with the bleeding wounds and all.

"Here." The girl holds out what looks like a cup of red gelatine. "Be sure to use all of it. These things aren't cheap."

Puzzled, I take the jiggly stuff and stare at it. "Um… what exactly do I do?"

Yeah, I've figured out that she gave me an Apple Gel, but I really have no clue what to do with it. Do I eat it, or just rub it on the wound?

"You don't even know how to use a Gel?" Melinda snorts. She pulls the gelatine from my hand, closes my nose with a painful pinch of the fingers on her free hand, and shoves the stuff into my mouth. I gag but it goes down. "No wonder you two got your butts kicked."

While I struggle to breathe, I feel the shallower of the cuts and bits on my body begin to heal in much the same way they would if I were to use a potion. Hermione, who seems to finally be back to reality, takes the Gel before she can be force-fed like I was.

"So, what are a couple of weaklings like you two doing out here?" Melinda asks as she sits on the ground right between me and Hermione. She wipes the monster blood off her blade and onto the grass.

After I'm able to speak without coughing, I explain to Melinda that we're refugees from Luin. I mean, hopefully it's already been destroyed. How pathetic am I, though, wishing a town were destroyed just so my lie can be believable?

"Luin, huh?" the mercenary doesn't seem interested as she plays with her sword. She turns and looks at Hermione. "Last I knew, half-elves weren't too popular in that particular city. Not that anyone likes them anywhere."

"Umm…" Hermione looks confused, but Melinda obviously takes it as nervousness because she suddenly recants.

"I'm not saying that I have any problems with half-elves, mind you. I've even gotten it on with a couple of them," the brown-haired girl suddenly blurts out in an attempt to keep Hermione from crying, or killing her. Not that either one would happen, since the buck-toothed girl (yeah, she did keep that trademark in this world) doesn't know about this world's prejudices, yet.

"Huh?" Hermione looks even more confused.

"I'm not saying I did them at the same time," Melinda sighs as she develops a dreamy look on her face: probably remembering her anonymous sexual encounters. Yep, I'm definitely dealing with another Rei here. "Besides, nobody's ever gone all the way with me."

"I care about this why?" the witch inquires as she shoots me a look that says, 'what is going on?'

"Um, you said you're a mercenary, right?" I ask before this train of thought can go any further. "So I take it you travel often. Do you know where we are? We don't exactly know for sure. See, because Hermione's a half-elf, she was kind of forced to evacuate on her own. I went along because I knew that she couldn't make it on her own."

Hermione huffs angrily but doesn't say anything.

"You've been wandering around for weeks and don't even know where you are? I repeat, PA-THE-TIC!" Melinda laughs. "You two sure are something else. Still, I can't leave you out here all by yourself. Tell you what, there's a House of Salvation nearby. I'll take you two, there. It's not exactly a resort, but those priest guys don't seem half-elves too much. They, unlike the rest of the world, know that just because someone is a half-elf doesn't mean they're a Desian."

"Thanks," I tell the girl as I stand up. The deeper wounds, like the bite on my arm, are still a little sore but I'm not bleeding anymore and I seem otherwise intact. "We didn't think to grab any money as we left, so we can't pay you, but…"

"If I did everything for money then life wouldn't be any fun," Melinda interrupts with a roll of her eyes. She yanks Hermione up, the smaller girl wincing because she's not completely healed up either. "Now let's get somewhere safe. It's about a day's walk to the House of Salvation, and we don't need to waste time chit-chatting. You two can carry my stuff."

"What stuff?" I ask.

She points to an over-stuffed knapsack lying against a nearby boulder. It looks heavy, _really_ heavy. But my laziness tells me to just stuff it into my satchel, so I do. Of course, after doing so I have Melinda and Hermione looking at me with big eyes, but I don't offer any information.

"How'd you do that?" Hermione gasps as she looks at my satchel. "I've never seen a purse hold so much."

"Satchel," I correct.

Melinda pokes the bag. "Where can I get me a purse like this?"

"Satchel," I say again as I lift it out of poking range. "And it's one-of-a-kind: magically enhanced to hold just about anything."

They start to ask more questions, but I walk off in what Melinda informs me is the wrong direction.

We set off on the right course, and Hermione and I hang back a bit from our leader who begins to sing a song based on her own greatness. And she sings it nice and off key.

"What's with all of this half-elf stuff?" Hermione whispers.

"This is why playing videogames is useful," I tell her in the same snobbish tone she'd been using earlier that morning. "Half-elves aren't exactly liked in Sylvarant, or Te'thealla. And there's this organization, run by a lot of the half-elves who call, themselves Desians, although some Desians are human, too. It's complicated, but let's just say you won't be too popular anywhere you go. Not only will a lot of 'humans' hate you, but full-blooded elves won't exactly welcome you with open arms, either. Although I don't see us running into them, seeing as how their colony is on Te'thealla."

"What's Te'thealla?"

"I'll tell you later," I whisper right before Melinda looks back at us.

"Is there something interesting going on?" the girl questions.

I shake my head. "No, we were just wondering if you wrote that song yourself."

Melinda beams rather proudly before informing us that she did. "Do you guys want to hear all of it?"

Hermione starts to say something, but I put my hand over her mouth. She look at me with utter hatred, but I don't really care. "Yeah, we'd love to."

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A/N: The first chapter of the ToS arc. I feel really happy with how it turned out, but something feels off about it. My brain is informing me that it involves Rick not talking about how wonderful he is. But, yeah, I did tell you guys a few chapters back that there would be character development, I just didn't say who! So sit back, and get ready to learn more about Rick and Hermione than you ever hoped to.

And Melinda Curt appears courtesy of Animesage. I should have pimped his fic out enough that you guys know what it's called. XP


	29. A Raw Deal

Chapter 29: A Raw Deal

A/N: Yeah, we're into the second chapter of the ToS arc. I'm predicting it to be five chapters long at the most, and at the end of it there will be some mighty weird occurrences. Let's just say that when Rick gets back to Gaia, Kodachi will make herself known.

Neither Melinda Curt nor this particular version of ToS is mine. Both are the intellectual property of Animesage, so go read _The Fox Meets Sylvarant_. How many times do I have to tell you people?

And a note: not to give too much away, but there is a very mature scene in the latter portion of this chapter. So for those of you who don't think you can stomach it, don't worry, because it's not an essential read.

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Something tells me that if a person were born in Palmacosta, never left the borders of the city, and somehow managed to not hear the news of the rest of the world, then that person probably wouldn't even know that Sylvarant is dying. This place is just so… alive. From what I've seen, it's about a third of the size of Lindblum, but everything is so much cleaner. There's no litter in the streets, no back alley dealings, and everyone says "Hello!" and "Good Day!" to each other.

Although, that same kindness isn't exactly being extended to my little cadre of morons. People do wave to us and smile. Until they see Hermione, that is. And it does tick me off a little. If these guys actually knew her and cut off her off, then there'd be no problem, but they're acting all leery just because she's a half-elf. I just want to tell them not to hate her because of her lineage. Hate her because she's an arrogant, stuck-up cow.

"We'll go reserve a room," Melinda says as she holds up the wad of cash I'd given her this morning. "What're you going to do?"

We did stay at the House of Salvation last night, and it just happened to be the one between Palmacosta and that weird mountain thing, which we were only able to cross because Melinda already had the pass thing. Anyway, we showed up late at night and I ended up sleeping on the floor while the girls each took a bed. And you know what? Rick is tired of sleeping in something other than a bed. Not only did he have to stay up all night when he first found himself in Sylvarant with the incredibly annoying _witch_ that is Hermione, but the night before he had to sleep in the floor because of Naruto and Sasuke refusing to share a bed and give me one.

"Um, I'll probably hit the market and try to sell off some more of that stuff I picked up," I lie as I raise the satchel so that they can see it. Hermione rolls her eyes and demands that Melinda take her to the Palmacosta Academy after they finish things up at the Inn. Of course, she just had to find out somehow that there was a school in this world, and she insists that she may be able to find a way home by researching its library. I'm telling you, if she walks out of there with some obscure ritual that says you need to murder a buck-toothed half-elf in cold blood, I'm am so going to be in on it.

Anyway… this morning, before we left, I managed to use my utterly superior shopping skills to sell off some of that crappy armour Dagger had picked up during her little escapade with my satchel. The merchant I sold it to commented on how he'd never seen the design before. I lied and said that they were relics from a long time ago. What? It explains the rust. Besides, I made off with about five thousand Gil, Gald, Gold, or whatever the heck this world's currency is called.

So we part ways and I wander off to the market, and as soon as Hermione and Melinda are out of sight, I find the strangers who were ignoring me just minutes earlier suddenly acting as though I've been here all along. Stupid Hermione. Not only does she drag down my social status, but she also has to rub it in my face about how much better a fighter she is than me. So what if she figured out how to tap into her magical powers on the trek over here? It's not like I couldn't be some awesome warrior, beheading things and blowing up stuff. It's just that all of that blood would inevitably get onto my clothes, and I don't like the idea of ruining my carefully selected outfits. Yeah, I like the buying new ones part, but I'm not too fond of the getting rid of the old ones. I still miss my incredibly hot outfit that Dagger sold off, not to mention that cute shirt Michael gave me the last time I saw him…

No, I'm not going to let his death rule my life.

Tired of having to think, I approach the nearest stall and attempt to sell off the rest of my "worldly possessions," meaning the worthless crap Dagger and Steiner bought with my money. Seeing as how it's a place that sells seafood, let's just say my luck is less than spectacular. Then I move on to one where I see a guy trying to unload a giant sword on some twelve-year-old-girl. He looks bewildered when she runs away from his demonstration on just how cool it looks to wave around a giant sword.

"Tell me, young man, are you in the market for a weapon that is as stylish as it is deadly?" the guy, who is rather heavyset and sporting a very Luigi-like moustache, begins heaving the sword in my direction.

After mentally acknowledging the fact that I'm prone to falling, and that holding a sword while falling would mean _me_ falling _on_ the sword, I shake my head and instead start on a pitch of my own regarding my possessions of some ancient armour I picked up in some ruins somewhere. I say something about Valhalla, but he just looks at me like I'm nuts before wanting to see just what the goods are.

I reach into my satchel and lug the first piece of weaponry I can find into view. The man grabs it, examining the shiny blade and blue handle. Hmm… Steiner must not have touched it for it to be rust-free.

"And just what kind of sword might this be? I've been in this business a long time and never see such craftwork." The man who will henceforth be referred to as Luigi rubs his chin as he gives it a few practice swings. "Ad it shows no signs of having been used."

"Yes, well, it was a ceremonial sword. There was an ancient civilization known as the Shinobi who used it to bless their warriors before sending them off to battle," I lie far too easily for my own tastes. This whole lying thing is starting to worry me. I mean, yeah, right now I'm doing it because I really want money so that I can buy new clothes and get out of these horribly puffy pants, but who's to say I won't become a compulsive liar? Things regarding my mother and Fujin still haven't been mentioned to Hermione, let alone the fact that I'm beginning to suspect that the Sense Materia may have played a larger role in my "worldly travels" than returning me to Gaia.

Yes, it's true that it glowed and I went back to the lad of my birth, but I also know that I didn't start leaving the world of FFIX until I had put it on. It could just all be a coincidence, but the fact that it reacted with those weird stones in my satchel.

"What else have you got, kid?" he asks before eyeing my satchel greedily. Yes, I know that it's a wonderful thing, but if this guy thinks I'm going to sell it to him, he's wrong.

One by one, I unload the most worthless of things onto his counter, totalling three swords, two rods, and several pieces of armour that I couldn't name if I had a picture of each one with a caption detailing everything about it.

"I'll give you fifteen thousand for the lot," he says before spitting onto the ground beside me. I cringe but look into his face.

"Twenty."

"Sixteen."

We then begin to haggle before settling on a nice number that benefits me more than it does him. And I count my eighteen thousand five hundred in cash before stuffing it into my satchel. Luigi eyes it again, but I immediately walk away before he can make an offer on it as well.

And can I say that I am surprised that he actually fell for the whole "this is all from an ancient civilization" crap? Come on, nobody in their right mind would believe that. Then again, citizens of Sylvarant aren't exactly familiar with the works of Gaia, now are they?

I walk by an alley before someone reaches out and pulls me in. The MCoDs fly out defensively for fear of a mugging, but encounter a wall of something. Pain-wise, there isn't any when the collision occurs, but there is a numbing sensation in my fingertips. The noise of the busy streets also disappear.

"What are you doing?"

Recognizing the accent, I open my eyes that I don't remember closing and see towering over me the same brunette Scottish nutcase that had attacked me and Hermione when we first arrived here. Her hair is done a little differently this time around, tucked up into a Quistis-like bun whereas before it had been all… well, I can't exactly recall that particular detail. The knowledge was probably knocked out of my head after the first five or so punches connected with it.

Nervously, I smile and say hello. She pushes me into the wall and repeats her question. Is she some kind of thug or something?

"I don't know what you're talking about," I answer honestly.

She snorts and slams a fist into the wall beside my head. The stone cracks, and she removes her undamaged hand. The wall repairs itself with a wave of that same hand.

"Listen to me very carefully." She grabs me by the front of my ugly shirt and pulls me so close I can smell her breath. Not at all surprised, I smell some kind of liquor. "I may not be able to get you out of here, but the last thing I need is for some little punk to be screwing around. Things with Kaoru are bad enough with you adding in elements of other universes.

"I've already altered that shopkeeper's memory and deleted the information of your little armoury from the program. You can keep the money. He'll just think that he dropped it into the bay earlier."

Attempting to push her off, I find myself being rewarded by being pushed back into the wall, which is really hard. "Listen lady, I have no idea what you're talking about or how you know so much about me, so how about sharing the love and letting Rick in on some details?"

"Why? So you can screw things up even more?" she snarls.

Listen, Rick is ticked off. He's hungry, tired, in a world that he was neither born nor raised in, and is wearing an outfit that makes him wretch if he thinks too hard about it. The last thing he needs is for some drunken Amazon to be pushing him around and not even explaining anything to him.

"Just take me home!" I stomp my foot on the ground. "You're some kind of person with incredible powers, and you know that I'm not from this world. So just send me back!"

She grabs me by my shirt again and throws me into a pair of trashcans. I hit the ground and grab my shoulder where it had connected with the metal bins. She must have been holding back the other night when she laid into me, because she has incredible strength.

"I don't take kindly to being ordered," the Scot shouts as she grabs me by the hair. "Do you have any idea how much stress I'm under? Things are literally falling apart all around me. And I tried to send you back, but I can't because you're not even registering in the program. I've run the diagnostics. Neither you nor your little girlfriend show up anywhere!"

The girlfriend comment hurts even worse than the pain in my shoulder. However, I can tell that the woman looks like she's about to crack. Her eyes are bloodshot and she's compulsively clenching and unclenching her fists.

"What are you talking about?" I scream as I sit up. Why hasn't someone come to check out the commotion?

"Quit asking me that!" She leans down and picks me up with one hand, my feet dangling off the ground. "Your puny little human brain can't understand the complexities of the creation of worlds! It's not even like you're one of our clients! You're just some freak who happened to have been left unnoticed in the wrong world for ten years! You don't know ANYTHING!"

I struggle against her grip, and tears begin to fall down my face as the fear in me begins welling up. Then her eyes widen and she lets go. Landing rather roughly on my behind, I block out the pain and scoot myself as far away from her as I can get; the cool stone of one of the buildings making me shivers as it touches my back. The strange woman cringes at that.

"That's right. He doesn't know anything," she says to herself. Her eyes are in my direction, but I have the feeling that she's looking _through_ me more than at me. "He's just some kid."

Without an apology or even a further acknowledgment of my existence, the Scottish woman vanishes. She doesn't disappear in a bolt of lightning or something equally dramatic. She was just standing there, and now she's not.

Wiping my face with my sleeve, I allow myself the relief of vomiting up my breakfast. The sounds of people shopping are once more assaulting my senses. I crawl to the place where my satchel landed. It separated from me during my flight into the garbage.

My mind cannot even begin to piece together the things that she said. I stumble back into the sunlight of the market, and Luigi catches sight of me. He begins waving his sword around and offering it to me as though I hadn't just turned him down ten minutes before. But that woman did say she'd erased her memory of me from him. What kind of a thing is she to have the kind of power to do that? She even went off on some weird tangent about creating worlds and such.

Rick isn't a religious person. He doesn't hate religion, but his experiences with it on Earth were always less than pleasant. So it's incomprehensible to him to believe that the woman who just attacked him was some sort of a god. She didn't seem omniscient. Besides, gods can't be stressed to the point of violence, can they? I mean, yeah, my parents on Earth always told me that God was going to turn me into a pillar of salt because of some towns called Sodom and something else, but they ever said that their big old dude in the sky was going to come down and beat the crap out of me.

Now I know why people drink.

Remembering my initial intent for coming here, I search the stalls until I find a place that sells clothing. I just buy a simple outfit: brown boots; a pink, button-up shirt; white jeans (which I'm surprised to find on Sylvarant); and a plain black belt. When I'm done, I hide behind some boxes in an empty booth and change, leaving behind my old outfit. Unfortunately, neither the lasting pain nor the memories of what just happened in the alley stay with my unwanted clothing.

I leave the market as fast as my feet will allow me. Hermione and Melinda are probably expecting me to return with Gels and some other supplies and crap of that nature, but I just need to get as far away from there as I can. Then I finally allow myself to become aware of the growing darkness.

There's an explosion of noise from a nearby building. It's clearly a tavern and, if my memory serves me, it's the one that was empty during the game. Maybe nobody goes there during the day?

Afraid of facing my comrades and the reality of my situation just yet, I slip into the establishment and see that it's only half filled at the moment, but someone nudges their way past me and up to the bar. Unsure of just what I'm supposed to do, I seat myself at the nearest empty table.

Within seconds, a woman holding a platter empty glasses and dirty plates makes her way over to me. She sets the dishes down on my table and pulls out a little notebook. She must be a waitress. It's nice to see that some things remain constant in all worlds.

"What can I get you?" she asks, brushing her black hair away from her face before readying her pencil and paper. "Would you like a Palma Potion, or something a little stronger?"

As tempted as I am to drink myself into amnesia, I just go ahead and order the over-priced potion. I never did find out what it was good for when I played ToS. Stupid Namco.

Eventually, I find a mug filled with purple liquid placed in front of me, and I count out the proper amount of money. She takes the bills and walks away to another table. I eye the other patrons of the tavern, ignoring my drink. There are some me and women who are clearly soldiers taking up about half of the bar, and the other half is divided up. There's a young couple sitting alone in a corner, sharing spaghetti. They eventually find themselves slurping the same noodle ad his lips meet hers in a clichéd Disney moment. Then there's the four women at the bar, each one with a different hair colour, and all of them eyeing the male soldiers on the other side of the room.

"I'm sure you didn't buy that just to let it sit there." Someone slides into one of the other seats at my table. His voice is smooth as silk. I look the guy over and wonder what the heck he wants. His hair is silver, not grey, and he looks like he's in his mid-twenties. I'd say twenty-six or so. He's also got his hand on my Palma Potion. He nudges it over to me, blue eyes flashing in the flickering light from the lanterns suspended from the ceiling. "Go ahead, give it a try."

A little leery, what with my experiences telling me that most people with his hair colour are evil, I reach out and take the flask. Not everybody with silver hair is evil, though, I guess. I mean, Angelo isn't too bad.

The stuff isn't that bad. It's not wonderful by any means, but it's better than everything else I've had since I've come to Sylvarant. All of the food is just so… plain. There isn't any really flavour to it. That's to be expected when the world is running out of Mana. I suppose.

"So what's your name kid?" the guy asks as he uses one of his fingers to lazily draw invisible circles on the table. He also smiles as he says it.

"Rick." I'm not in the mood to add my usual accompanying death threat, so I just stay quiet.

"That's a rather bland name for someone who is so obviously interesting. I wonder what thoughts are brooding behind those eyes…" his voice fades out as he ceases his nonexistent sketches. With that hand he reaches out and takes hold of the mug, his fingers overlapping mine. "What is your story, _Rick_? Why is someone like you here in Palma Costa. You're clearly suited for better things."

Yes, I know all of the things he said are true. I am interesting and better than this miserable little city, but why is he feeling the need to point this out? And what is with the touching? And the whole mysteriously sexy thing? Or is it sexily mysterious? Stupid adverbs.

Anyway, I forget all about the grammar when he tightens his fingers on mine. Not enough to hurt, but it does get my attention. He smiles and it's one of those things that both creeps me out and draws me in at once.

"Tell me, do you like stories?"

My jaw drops as I suddenly become aware that the guy is hitting on me. Geez, not only was I some kind of man-magnet on Gaia, but strangers are now trying to pick me up in a bar in Sylvarant. Why wasn't I this popular on Earth? Stupid teenagers.

After a few seconds of my not answering his question, but Blue Eyes smiles and releases me. "Well, I have a story for you. There was this boy, and he wanted nothing more than to see another world. He had friends who shared this dream, a boy and a girl.

"They built a raft and planned to set sail but, on the night before they planned to leave on their adventure, something happened that forced the three apart. The first boy awoke in a new world and… WHOA! Are you okay?"

I'm certain that I would've heard some mention of Traverse Town had my head not just collided with the table. Okay, the last thing I need while being all miserable and broody is for some guy to use the plot of Kingdom Hearts as a pickup line. If it weren't for my stupid mother telling me that thousands of universes are linked at once, I would swear that it was impossible for someone in Sylvarant to know that story.

"I'm not in the mood for stories," I mumble against the warped wood.

Fully expecting the stranger to make a run for the door, I'm rather surprised when he grabs me by the hair (something I'm not used to thanks to the unrelated stupidity of Steiner and Yuffie) and lifts my head up so that I can see his face.

"Fine then, how about I show you something?"

I probably shouldn't go with him, but it's not like anything worse can happen than having some weird Scottish woman beat me up for selling off worthless junk that Dagger bought with the money she gained from selling the suit that made me look absolutely sexy, even if it was meant for a dead guy.

We stand up and leave my mostly untouched, overpriced drink behind. None of the other customers pay us any mind.

My mind can't fathom why I'm bothering to follow this man. I haven't even known him an hour, and he hasn't told me his name. Something in the back of my mind says that this is a bad idea, but I ignore it. The stupid voices in the back of my head haven't done jack for me. I listen to them and end up lying to everyone about everything in my life. And my decision process hasn't exactly been the best, either. Rick has always charged ahead and done what he wants, and screw everyone else. That's probably why Jessica hates me, and I'm pretty sure Angelo isn't too fond that I've run off again. And this time it really is me. I cheated on Michael twice, physically with Angelo and mentally with Zidane, and didn't eve go to his funeral because I thought I didn't deserve to go. It wasn't about me, though. That was supposed to be about him. So maybe that's why I'm following this man even though I don't want to. It's because I don't want to that I am. In what universe does that logic make sense, I wonder?

Eventually we find ourselves on the outskirts of the city. There's still sufficient enough Mana to drive away the monsters, provided they operate in a similar manner to the Mist and its monsters on Gaia. However, there aren't any people, either.

"What are you going to show me?" I ask impatiently as I look skyward. There are two moons. If memory serves me, one of them is called Te'thealla. And this world is Sylvarant. So what is the other chunk of dirt flying around in space called?

He says something lowly, so that I can't hear, and my eyes drift over to him. His shirt is pooled around his feet. His silver hair is reflecting the blue hue of the moons light, and his skin suddenly seems much paler than it had back in the bar. The man has one of those bodies that show he clearly has a career involving heavy labour. Michael had muscles, too, but they weren't this defined. Neither were Zidane's.

"Don't."

The word slips out of my mouth, independent of the thoughts swirling through my head. I want that body pressed up against mine, I want to taste those lips. I want to forget everything. For just a little while, I want to stop being a Drifter, a prince, Zidane's flamboyant buddy and Dagger's unspoken rival for his affections. I don't want to be the weak little boy who pretends he's grown up, running around the world on some grand adventure with people he doesn't know, some of whom he doesn't even like. I don't want to be reduced to living in one world and dreaming of another. I don't want to spend eternity on Sylvarant, hoping to return to Gaia someday, or actually getting back to Gaia and wondering if I should go back to Earth. I don't want to return to those redneck roots of mine and waste my time hoping for an escape from the boredom and the rampant pettiness.

For just a few minutes, I want to not be.

He starts to say something, probably asking what I'm talking about, but I pounce. The kiss isn't like ones I shared with Michael, or the ones I gave Zidane and Dagger. I'm used to having someone else dominating the kiss, but now I'm the one taking the reins and I pull this stranger down to my lips. My tongue invades his mouth awkwardly, coaxing his into mine. My hands travel up and down his back.

This man, he begins pulling at my clothes, tearing them off me. And I don't care. My hands reach for his belt, undoing the clasp as I moan into his mouth. One of his hands moves up to grab my hair once more, and he pulls my head back. Lips, tongue, and teeth attack my neck as I succeed in undoing his belt. His pants fall to the ground as well, and our equilibrium is disturbed as he steps out of them.

My breath catches in my throat as one of his hands plunge into my pants. Not my underwear, mind you, but there's some definite groping. Then I take the initiative again and my tongue leaves a trail of saliva on his chest. The hand removing my clothes tugs at the remains of my shirt, and I hold my arms out to let it fall. Then we press together, the heat of our skin driving away the chill of the night.

Fingers, my fingers, trace his stomach muscles, playing for a moment in the line of hair leading from his navel to nether regions. The guy leans down and recaptures my lips, most likely bruising them with the force of the collision. His silver hair tickles my cheek.

Soon enough, we're on the ground with leaning over me. The grass and dirt poke me in the back, but I just focus on those lips. My attention concentrates on his hands, one as continues to shed me of my clothing, the other as it acts as though I don't have any clothing at all. I even focus on my own hands as they peel back the last garment he's wearing. The soft skin feels good to my fingertips.

He moans my name against my lips as I explore his backside. I return the moan, but it's wordless because I don't know his name. I don't think I want to. For tonight, he can just be…

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A/N: And thus the fangirls hate me for cutting off at that crucial moment. Sorry. I do NOT need another M-rated fic on my hands. One is quite enough thank you. And it doesn't even really have steamy, sexy scenes like the one above! Although I'm not sure if I did a good job writing it. But that's what you're here for! And to the straight guys that read this… Hey, I warned you in the opening author's notes, so no complaining.


	30. Regrets

Chapter 30: Regrets

A/N: Well, I left off on Rick having anonymous sex. There really isn't much to say, is there? Thank some random higher power for the T-rating. Anyway, the title should be a bit of a clue as to how things are going to go this chapter, huh? I do believe I mentioned that this arc would be all about character development, didn't I?

There will be some talk of sex throughout this chapter, but I can't comment on how graphic it may or may not be.

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Ignoring the people watching as I hold up the tatters of my clothes, I limp towards the inn. Hermione and Melinda will have to go out and buy me something else to wear, since my first outfit was left in some random shopping stall.

Try as I do, I can't stop the tears. It hurts. Not only physically. What was I thinking last night? I had sex with someone, and I don't even know his name! Just walking is painful because we didn't use lubrication of any kind. Heck, all of that fanfiction stuff I read back on Earth is nothing like having real sex. There was no overwhelming pleasure, and certainly no preparation. Scissor-motions indeed.

Even worse than the physical pain is the knowledge that I can't even summon up any will power. Aren't I supposed to be in love with Zidane? Isn't that why I pushed Angelo away when we started down the path I traveled last night? Damn! I'm just some worthless slut. And to think I judged Zidane, Rei, and Melinda for their behaviour. Rick's a hypocrite, too.

Wiping my eyes, I look around for the inn before remembering that I've never been there. When we finished, I kind of passed out from exhaustion, or pain. The pain was almost unbearable. I almost wanted to yell for him to stop, but I didn't. Hadn't I asked for it to happen? Did I really have the right to just call it quits halfway through? No, I just bit my lip and closed my eyes as he had his way with me. Not to say that it was all bad, but for the most part I can see why all of those people on Earth were so obsessed with not having sex. It's not the most pleasant experience.

I woke up this morning on the outskirts of Palmacosta with my clothing scattered around me and the man who took my virginity nowhere around. At least my satchel was there.

"Rick?"

I turn to the voice and see Melinda running in my direction. She actually looks worried.

"What happened to you?" She looks me over and I see her eyes cloud with concern. "You look like you've been attacked. And is that a bite mark?"

My fingers trace a bruise on my shoulder, a memoir from last night. Kinky as it may be, having someone bite you hurts. I guess that shows I'm not cut out for S&M.

"Could you just take me back to our room?" My voice sounds tired. Melinda nods and leans down to help support me. We move slowly because it hurts for me to walk. People continue to watch as we pass them, but I guess seeing someone in my condition isn't too common.

When we do reach the inn, I find myself groaning. We have to walk up stairs. Why are their stairs? Rick isn't exactly able to do the movements required in the stepping and whatnot.

So I request that Melinda carry me. She calls me an idiot. Countering with being in pain, I even grimace. She threatens to throw me off a bridge. How selfish can she be? I'm not asking for an organ or anything.

"You've been out all night."

Grimacing for real this time, I see Hermione at the top of the stairs. I do not want to deal with her right not. Stupid know-it-all.

"What? Do you disapprove?" If weren't for the fact that I'm totally enjoying the annoyed look on her face, I might watch what I say. Yesterday some wolf thing snapped at her, and she got mad. It ended up with a large icicle embedded in its neck. Which just goes to prove my theory that every woman I meet is insane and violent. Or, in Hermione's case, annoying and violent.

"Get up here. We need to talk."

"Bite me."

Melinda leans and whispers in my ear. "Looks like someone already did."

Rolling my eyes, I choke back the pain and march up the stairs by myself, passing by Hermione with my head held high. Stupid witch; like I really need to talk to her. I can already tell you that I won't understand a thing she's going to say. Rick doesn't speak nerd.

"Um, which room are we in?" I ask sheepishly.

Hermione sighs and grabs me by the wrist, jerking unnecessarily as she leads to me to a plain wooden door. I open it and sit on the nearest bed, noting that there are only two. After the night I had last night, someone else is sleeping on the floor. Rick needs a bed.

"That's my bed," Hermione points out, which I make a point of ignoring.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" My feet feel wonderful after I kick my footwear off. Hermione scrunches up her face as though smelling something horrible, but doesn't say anything. She had better not be implying that my feet stink. If anything around here reeks, it's her sense of style. Seriously, the girl is still wearing that bloodstained tunic. It's obvious she doesn't know anything about being a real woman. Her hair doesn't even look as though a comb has been run through it in months. Although… I'm not going to voice my opinion on her appearance due to my own. Stupid sleeping on the ground.

"If I'm right, she wants to tell you something she read in the library of that big school place. The egghead tried to explain it to me, but all I could out of it was that she's convinced you two are otherworldly travelers." Melinda plops onto the other bed and grabs her knapsack. She begins to root through it in search of something. Probably a mirror. Stupid narcissist.

I give a Hermione a look of disbelief. Why did she tell her that? I thought there was some sort of silent understanding that we do not talk about being Drifters.

"Don't look at me like that," the half-elf kicks the door shut behind her and leans against it, her arms crossed. "We can't afford to lie to the only person willing to help us out."

"You don't understand anything, do you?" I shake my head in disbelief. "If we go around telling everyone that we're from some other world, sooner or later they're going to think we're nuts and through us into a Psych Ward. I mean, you already belong there, but Rick has enough insanity in his life as it is. Don't go adding to it."

"Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?"

"Did you really think reading a book was going to get us back to Gaia?" I retort.

"This looks like it's going to get good." Melinda begins pulling foodstuffs out and laying them all over her bed. "You two keep going, I'm going to make a sandwich."

Again, my eyes are rolled. Stupid insane women.

"Anyway, _some_ of us were actually trying to see if there was a way to get back to our respective home worlds and then stumbled across something interesting." Hermione perks up as she prepares to unload her cast amounts of wisdom on those of us she considers to be idiots.

"You looked up 'irritating' in the dictionary and found a picture of yourself?" I ask.

She scowls, but once again refuses to take the bait. "Anyway, Rick, I found out that there's this ritual known as the 'World Regeneration.' Someone known as the 'Chosen' is supposed to ascend to the 'Heavens' and bless this world with Mana after unlocking all of these 'seals.'"

"That's a lot of air quotes." Melinda says around a mouthful of ham and cheese. So uncouth.

"Do you mind?"

"I don't." My hair is firmly in the air. "You did pretty much use air quotes in relation to this world's religion. I think that's a big no-no."

"SHUT UP!" Hermione yells at the top of her voice, eliciting laughter from myself and Melinda. Her pale skin grows red and she throws something at my head. It bounces off and lands on the floor. I rub my head and see a metallic coin. Now she's using money as a weapon?

"Psycho…" I mutter under my breath.

Hermione seems to hear me, and I mentally curse her large ears. "What was that?"

"…nothing."

"So now I know who wears the pants in this relationship." Melinda points and Hermione with a smile on her face. "You go girl! Show your man who's boss!"

I swear I almost threw up. I mean, Hermione would be lucky to have me, but I know I could do so much better. Melinda is clearly insane as well.

"Please. Rick and I are nothing to each other. He's not even interested in women!" Hermione shouts defensively.

Hey! I know I should be offended, but what's she getting all riled up about?

"Melinda, even if I were into women, I do not need some know-it-all with an over-inflated ego and underdeveloped breasts."

"What was that?" Hermione screams at me.

"Shut it, Manchest."

"Freak."

"Hag."

"Moron."

"Eternal Virgin."

"Stupid fag."

My eye twitches at that and before I can stop myself I say it. "_Mudblood_."

BANG!

Next thing I know I'm on the floor with stars obscuring my vision. That "woman" sure does know how to punch. Now I know how Draco Malfoy feels. Ouch. Stupid blond/

Hermione is breathing heavily. Why do I feel the need to insult super-powered nutjobs? It always ends up with me having a black eye.

"DO. NOT. CALL. ME. THAT." She cries at the top of her voice.

"Fine, your highness." I murmur as I climb back onto the bed.

Forgotten in the name-calling and ensuing violence, Melinda speaks up. "Um, what's a 'mudblood'?"

Looking back at the confused tramp, I consider my options. Then I look to Hermione and tilt my head to show that I want to hear her explain this.

"It's someone who's not a pureblood witch." The girl answers.

"What the heck does that mean?" Melinda looks confused. "Are witches a special type of half-elf or something?"

"Actually," I pop in with a finger in the air and an informative voice. "What Hermione is trying to say is that some people think that she's not a real witch. Although I must say that they're completely wrong. Hermione is _definitely_ a witch, amongst other things…"

"Watch it, Prissy-boy," the subject of the discussion huffs.

"Do not call me a priss!" This time it's my turn to get angry. "Just because I don't want to go through life as some ugly, ungroomed dog like a certain other person in this room does not mean I'm a priss."

"Is he talking about me or you?" Melinda asks in an irritated voice.

"I'm talking about the one who thinks the term 'conditioning' is only in psychology books." Then I look at Hermione and stick out my tongue. "I mean, it's obvious she's never used Conditioner before."

Hermione throws her hands up and kicks a bedside stand. "Why do I even bother? You're a complete imbecile who never listens to anything I say."

"You already knew that, and yet _you_ call _me_ stupid?"

"Just shut up." Hermione throws a dirty look before storming off into a room adjacent to ours. I'm going to assume it's a bathroom, but it could very well be a closet. Although, if she does come out of the closet, she'll just end up being an incredibly disliked lesbian, as opposed to the disliked straight woman she is now.

Melinda snorts and looks at me with a huge grin. "That was funny. Especially the part where she punched you."

"Don't you have someone to be having sex with?" I groan in annoyance.

She frowns slightly, but then an evil smirk makes itself known. "Look who's talking. Was he hot?"

The shock of this causes me to fall out of the bed. For some reason, I'm not feeling a lot of the after affects of the sex. Maybe it's because I was focused on the pain?

"How do you know?" I ask point blank.

"Well, my ex always walked funny, like you were, after a night of getting it on with some dude," she explains as though it were the most natural answer in the world.

"You let your ex-girlfriend have sex with other people while you were together?" Rick is confused. He remembers Melinda saying that she had never 'gone all the way,' meaning she was a virgin, but she was in a relationship in which her partner was having sex with someone else?

"I'm not gay." Melinda shoots up an eyebrow into her hair. "This sexy beast is for the men only. Unfortunately, so was he. I just didn't know it at the time."

"…okay…"

Now that Melinda has thoroughly weirded me out, I look at the door Hermione disappeared through. Tempted as I am to go over there and check on (or further harass) her, I think about what she was saying. Yeah, I know all about the whole trip to save the world that Colette does. How does that involve us going home? Unless…

The sound of my palm hitting my forehead breaks the momentary silence. That's it! There are people here who might know how to get us back to Gaia! I mean, they're already traveling between two worlds, so why not a third? Sylvarant and Te'thealla are connected by a Mana flow which makes travel between the two relatively easy, but if what my mother said is true, then this world is connected to Gaia as well. What with the whole confusing overlapping worlds thing.

"Melinda?" I turn to the strange girl excitedly.

"What?" she's already eating again, an apple this time, and I'm wondering when she picked up this food. Probably when she and Hermione were off doing their female-bonding or whatever you call it.

"Have you ever heard of the Renegades?"

"They aren't some type of nudist cult, are they?" she inquires with a wistful look on her face, as though she were remembering something incredibly pleasant.

"…um, no." What the heck is up with this girl?

"Too bad. I guess I never will know what those door-to-door types were trying to sell me." She shrugs and looks at me while I try to figure just what the heck she's talking about. Actually, I don't think I want to know. "So, who are the Renegades?"

"They're a group of half-elves who oppose the Desians. Of course, a lot of people think they're Desians anyway because they oppose the World Regeneration, but that's neither here nor there. The thing is, they know how to travel between worlds!"

"They do?" with a flat voice, Melinda finishes her apple and throws it out the window behind her, which I just now noticed is open. Someone outside yells, probably hit by the falling fruit, but the thrower acts as though she doesn't hear. "So if these guys are anti-Desians and can travel between worlds, then why haven't I heard of them while you have?"

Because you're too busy staring at your own reflection? "It's complicated."

"Well, I'm sure it's boring, anyway. But as long as you pay, I don't care what you guys do."

Then the bathroom/closet door slams open and an angry (no surprise there) Hermione storms out. She grabs a pillow from Melinda's bed as she passes it, tuning out the mercenary's protests, and whacks me upside the head with it.

"You knew that there were people here with the capability for inter-dimensional expeditions and didn't tell me? I ought to smother you with this thing now!" She continues to whack me, setting off the MCoDs. I lash out with them, but meet only the pillow. Then she starts hitting me for daring to attack her ugly self. My words, not hers. The hideous cow.

"I have no idea what you just said," Melinda informs my attacker, distracting Hermione long enough for me to smash her in the face with a pillow of my own.

The witch stumbles back a bit, but then regains her balance and puts a lot of force behind her next swing. My face is turn to the side by the power of the blow and I actually hear something crack. That does it. This means war.

I stand up smash my pillow over her head. She recovers quickly and belts me in the side. In retaliation, I grab the blanket off the bed I was sitting on and throw it over the Drifter. While she fights to remove the comforter, I get four or five good whacks in. Then she stares at me with eyes full of hate and drops the pillow altogether. Next thing I know, her fist is coming at my face yet again.

I crash into the nightstand, but rebound and smack her in the face with the back of my hand. The look on her face is one of disbelief. She obviously thought I actually wouldn't strike her. To tell the truth, I'm surprised I've waited this long. All I know is that it felt really good.

"You little pervert!" she growls before decking me again. Why is it always the face? You are not supposed to attack beauty!

As if to further prove the point that she's an evil, violent, and slightly touched in the head cow, Hermione grabs me by the shoulders and drives her knee into my groin. Owie.

Stepping in front of my prone form, Melinda sighs. She looks over her shoulder at me before addressing Hermione. "If you two are going to kill each other, at least have the decency to pay me first. They kind of frown on people taking money from dead bodies around here."

Way to support me. Seriously, why are all of the women I know so self-absorbed?

"A little help would be nice," I choke out in a high-pitched voice. Melinda sighs again and grabs me by the arm, lifting me off the floor and onto my feet.

"Okay, so what exactly are we doing?"

"We're going to Triet." I eye Hermione to see of she's going to challenge me, but she just huffs angrily. With Melinda safely covering my back, I stick my tongue out at my little victory. "There's a Renegade base around there. Or, at least, there's supposed to be one."

"Fine, I'll go charter a boat, because I so do not feel like walking over all of those mountains to get there. And you're coming with me, Rick. I would like to get back the security deposit on this room." Melinda grabs me by the collar and pulls me from the room. Hermione just glares angrily as we leave.

The trip down the stairs is a lot less strenuous than the one up them. In fact, I actually feel almost normal. The stares from the people looking at my lack of clothing is a little bizarre, though. I do not feel like having some crazed man or woman deciding that they want my sexy body, and then pulling me off into a side alley and raping me. What? It could happen. I know Kodachi would do it.

"So, are you two really from another world, or are you both just crazy?" Melinda asks as we pass a bunch of boys, all around the age of ten or eleven, gathered around a fish that is flopping around on the street. They're all poking it with sticks and throwing rocks at it. Feeling sorry for the poor thing, I push my way into the group and grab the scaly creature, chucking it over a railing and into the water. The sadistic brats all look at me hatefully before running off. When I return to Melinda's side, she smiles at me. "That was unexpected."

"Why?" I'm sure I have my overly-cute quizzical face on, but I'm more concerned as to why it's such a surprise that I would rescue a fish from the clutches of some evil little sadists.

"You just don't seem like someone would care about other people, let alone a fish," she shrugs.

"Look who's talking!" Rick is OUTRAGED! He is one of the most caring and compassionate people in this world, as well as Gaia and Earth and probably all of the other worlds that exist.

"I'm not egotistical. I know I'm hot and powerful and all of that good stuff." She then turns to me with a straight face. "Seriously, though, what is the story with these Renegades and all of this world stuff?"

How can I explain the complexities of being a Drifter and having foreknowledge of what will happen in this world for someone of Melinda's obviously limited intelligence? "I don't know, really."

I guess that'll work.

However, not accepting my copout, Melinda continues to push while leading us to the town square. I can see the Palmacosta Academy, as well as the Town Hall thing that the presumably dead Dorr was in. I mean, I know that if you go back to the town during the raid on the Human Ranch you see him die, but I don't know what happens if you go ahead and storm the place. Does Clara still get released? Is Dorr indeed dead? Maybe I should be glad that I'm really from the world of Gaia, as opposed to this one, because at least there I only have one continuity to deal with, as opposed to the thousands of little possibilities in this one that could probably change the future of the universe in profound ways.

"I really don't know anything!" Exasperation fills my voice as we stop in front of a rather sizable ship. It's the one that the people of this city are so proud of, and yet Sheena mocked it when she saw it, talking about how backwards the world of Sylvarant is.

"You have to know something," the mercenary argues. "You know about some sort of anti-Desian organization, and you claim to be from another world. All I'm trying to do is help, Rick."

"You can't help! Nobody can help!" I hiss, looking around to see if anyone can hear us, but there isn't even so much as a glance in our direction. Which is surprising, given the lack of attire on both mine and Melinda's part. "If there was something that could be done, I would have done it by now!"

"Do you think you're the only one who has problems?" Melinda looks off to the sea, her voice suddenly gravely and cold. A wind picks up, giving a light spray of the sea and blowing my companion's hair into her face. She doesn't even bother to move it as her eyes start to well up. "Everyone in this world, and all those others you and Hermione told me about, we all have our problems, Rick. Maybe they're not as drastic as being transported to a whole other world, but sometimes that's what it feels like."

Is Melinda actually serious? Maybe I was wrong when I wrote her off as another Rei. I mean, it was just a first impression. She hasn't hit on anyone since I've met her, and she may talk a lot about sex, but she's admitted that she's never actually had it. Whereas Rei has bragged about her many sexual exploits.

Melinda wipes her eyes and sniffs audibly before looking back at me. "So what if I'm not some big important player in the fate of the world or something? My life is still important… even if only to me. Just don't let your self-importance go to your head, okay? Don't push people away when they try to help you. And don't fall for the lies that you don't matter, either. Because you do matter. If not to own parents, then you should at least matter to yourself. And you matter to me.

"Listen to me," Melinda wipes her eyes again with a sad chuckle, "getting all mushy. What I'm trying to say is that whether or not you're a big deal in the long run isn't important, because you're just one person. It's not what sets us apart that make us special, it's how we act towards and treat one another. I mean, I've only known you a couple of days, and I like you. I think we could be friends. Maybe you and Hermione could even get past this stupid feud you two have going on. You two are the only ones who know what you're going through. Yeah, you guys told me, but it's not like I can understand. My pain is just as real, but it's something completely different."

"Melinda, I…"

I suck in a ragged breath because I know she's right and I can't believe just how often I tend to make everything about me. Michael's death, breaking Angelo's heart, even me and Hermione coming to Sylvarant… I made it all about me and what I was going through in those moments. Hermione is probably hurting even worse than I am. Heck, Fujin's probably the worst of us all, and she's not even here. She was on Gaia years before we showed up, and the only support system she had, Raijin, was killed right in front of her. And right after that she has go save Dagger, someone she barely knows, from Brahne without a moment to grieve. And in doing that, she had to face Celes, and I have absolutely no clue what their relationship to each other is.

"It's not just me and Hermione." Confessing that doesn't make me feel any better, but I don't feel worse for it either. "I've been lying to her, trying to protect her, I guess. There's a woman on Gaia, the world we were on before coming here. She's been there for years. Hermione and I haven't been in this situation for more than a few months. And the thing she doesn't know is that Gaia is our home world. For some strange reason, Fujin, the girl I was telling you about, Hermione, and I all ended up spending our childhoods on other worlds. And then, one by one, we were brought back to Gaia. I don't fully understand how it happened or why. All I know is that neither of them has a clue that we are from that world.

"Fujin, she's been there long enough that's assimilated and adjusted to the changes. And… well, I'm starting to because I know the truth. Hermione, though, she's still holding onto the hope of going back to England, of going to the place where she grew up, to the only place she knows of as home. For all I know, this could be our new home now. We could be on Sylvarant for the rest of our lives. Because I don't know why we're here. I'm telling you the truth. I don't know anything!"

This time, it's my turn to wipe my eyes. Then Melinda hugs me. It's shocking to say the least.

"Why haven't you told Hermione this? Why do you keep all of these feelings bottled up inside?"

Still failing in my attempts to hold back tears, I look at the ground as opposed to the woman I'm speaking to. "Do I have that right? Can I really take away all of her hope? Even if it is a false hope? I don't think I can ruin her life a second time. Some things are better left under wraps, skeletons that should stay in the closet. Do you know what I mean?"

Melinda nods as she begins to wring her hands. "My mother told me the same thing after she found out that… Well, yeah, I know what you mean, Rick. But we didn't come here to bum each other out, did we? Come on, there are some people I know here that should be willing to give us a ride across the ocean. The captain's been looking for an excuse to take it out to sea, anyway. So why not for a pretty girl like me?"

In a sudden change of attitude, Melinda smiles and starts up the walkway thing to the boat. Me? I just stand there and once again find myself unable to comprehend the seriousness of the events that just transpired. And I'm still lying. I didn't mention my mother, or the Materia, or even bring up my encounters with that strange woman that I've been having ever since I came to this world. And Hermione is going to be ticked that it was Melinda I confided in with all of this, as opposed to her. Not that I care. Yeah, I may be feeling incredibly guilty right now, but that doesn't really change how I feel about her.

After a few minutes, Melinda bounds back down to me, a bright grin on her face. "He said he'll do it, and for only 5,000 Gald! You'd better jump on it, Rick. I mean, you are the one paying."

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A/N: Chapter three down. And there was a lot of character development in this one. Yeah, Rick and Hermione had their fight, but I feel Melinda really stole the show this time. And to those who read my LJ, I know I said that this wouldn't be up until the next chappy of The Fox Meets Sylvarant was up (read it now!), but seeing as how my Internet expires this month and there will be a couple months where I won't have regular internet access, I figure I should get up as much of my fics as I can. DX


	31. Home Sweet Hell

Chapter Thirty-One: Home Sweet Hell

A/N: Not much has happened since the release of the last chappy, unless you count the fact that I got the first season of the greatest anime ever released! If you haven't heard of Revolutionary Girl Utena, boy do I feel sorry for you.

Alas, we have reached the finale of the ToS arc. This is a very bittersweet chapter for me. Just as she is starting to come into her own, Melinda is going bye-bye. Not literally, but, she won't be seen in this fic again (excluding flashbacks, of course). However, you may be able to catch her in The Fox Meets Sylvarant, as that is the fic she originates from and the one that this arc was set in.

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Izlood smells like fish. Yeah, it's a small seaside fishing town, but come on. It's like being in the backroom of a sushi restaurant or something. Even the bathrooms, which are just outhouses, are overwhelmed by the outward stench, as opposed to the inward one.

"You guys ready to go?" I ask my female companions. Melinda asks why I don't just put her pack in my satchel again, and I tell her that I don't want to be responsible should it disappear into some sort of dimensional vortex or something. Odds are that won't happen, but I do not want Melinda angry at me if all of her stuff just ups and disappears.

"Don't rush me," Hermione orders as she stuffs the last of her _precious books_ into her own knapsack. Of course having something to read is more important than food or medicine. And she actually scoffed when I offered to let her read the books I stole from the Dali Inn. What's wrong with reading about my father in some sort of alternate universe? Stuck up little… Not to mention she's been hoarding her own stuff. She's been carrying around a package of some sort that she picked up in Palmacosta, and neither she nor Melinda are divulging the information of just where she got it nor what it is.

Pushing up the brim of my hat, I look around the shack that passes as an inn in this town. Yeah, that's right, Rick is wearing a hat. To be honest, he was surprised to find the hat, let alone the rest of the outfit that went with it. It's the blue and white school uniform that Utena wore in the Revolutionary Girl Utena movie. I mean, it is a boy's uniform, after all. And she only wore it in the movie. Utena sported a black uniform in the anime. I'm not sure about the manga, though. Why am I worring about this?

"I really want to get there by tomorrow," I reiterate to a groaning Melinda and ticked off Hermione. She's just mad that her stupid ego was crushed because I'm the one who figured out how get back to Gaia, as opposed to her. Not that I took any pleasure at seeing her mope about on the ship ride over to this smelly town. Nope, none at all.

Melinda double checks to make sure she hasn't left anything sitting out, and then slings her pack onto her back, making sure to note that it's incredibly heavy and that some sort of magical bag that's able to hold things of any shape or size without increasing in mass would remedy the situation. I ignore the hint.

With that, I bound out of the one-room inn and onto the dirt that is a road for Izlood. Stupid hicks not knowing what cement is. My shoes (the one thing I had _not_ get shredded after my one-night stand) never got this dirty in Palmacosta. The girls follow with complaints of heavy baggage (Melinda) and being built for thinking, not trekking across vast expanses of wilderness (Hermione).

"So…" Melinda sidles up next to me and puts an arm around my shoulder. "What exactly are you guys going to do when you get back to this Gaia place?"

"_I'm_ not going to back to Gaia," Hermione inputs, her nose up in the air. "Rick can do what he likes. I intend on going back home to England."

"Do you ever mind your own business?" I ask the witch-turned-half-elf-yet-still-a-witch-in-a-different-meaning-of-the-word. "She was trying to talk to me."

"I believe that any discussion in which I am a topic _is_ my business," retorts the girl in a snotty tone.

"Don't you two go fighting again," Melinda sighs. Then she bumps her hip into Hermione's. "Seriously, would you guys grow up for once? If you don't want to talk about yourselves, you can talk about me. I am pretty interesting, you know. Not to mention good-looking, strong, smart…"

She continues to list her positive attributes and my eyes begin to glaze over. Why does everyone I know feel the need to be utterly obsessed with themselves?

We leave the village behind, everyone in different moods. Melinda is, well, Melinda. The other one, though… Hermione is not saying anything. She's using that big brain of hers to try to figure something out. Hopefully, it's something useful.

It takes all day, and there are skirmishes with the local monster life (mostly whacked out bears, rabbits, and such), but eventually I lead us to the Sylvarant Base. And do not ask me why it is called that, because something tells me that naming it something more original than that was probably not on the minds of people who were more concerned with killing a dumb blonde than anything else.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Melinda look up in awe at the high tech fortress. Even with my otherworldly knowledge of this place, I can't even begin to come close to understanding why the heck nobody else has stumbled upon it when it's so darn obvious. It's not even like the building is hidden in some out of the way alcove.

Maybe the people of Sylvarant are as stupid as the ones I've met in Gaia.

"So…" Hermione muses as she looks from Melinda to me. "I guess this is goodbye."

"Yeah." The mercenary actually looks sad. I mean, we've only known each other a few days, and in that time we've barely spent any time together. So what's there to miss really?

Who am I kidding?

"I don't want you to go away!" I cry out as I throw myself at Melinda. She steps out of the way at the last second and I end up with a mouthful of sand.

As if to console me, the young woman kneels down and grabs a handful of my hair, lifting my face off the ground. She smiles, even giggling a little, and then looks at Hermione. "You two have been a real handful. I'm almost glad to be rid of you. Maybe then my bills would go down."

"Hey! I've been paying for everything!" I protest. Showing how much she cares about the truth, Melinda lets go of my hair and I hit the sand yet again.

"I said almost, Princess." Melinda laughs. My blood runs cold. I sit up and ask her to repeat what she just said, because I can't believe she said it. "Um, I believe I inferred that would miss you, Stupid."

"We'll miss you, too, Melinda." Hermione bows, receiving four raised eyebrows.

"We're not in Japan," I remind the Brit. "This is Sylvarant. Say it with me: Syl-va-rant. Your turn."

She answers by telling me to shut up before approaching the big metal door thing.

I stand up and reach into my satchel, pulling out the last of the money I got from this world. I still have all kinds of Gels and whatnot, but I know that if I do get back to Gaia, the currency will definitely be useless. "Here, take it, I won't be needing it."

Melinda shakes her head and pushes the money away, insisting that she doesn't need to be compensated for helping her friends. Or, rather, that's what she should do. Instead, she just rips the bills from my grasp and pockets it all without so much as a: "Oh, thank you, Rick! You are just the most generous, wonderful, and all around best-looking person in the universe!"

We all hug goodbye. Well, I hug Melinda, and Melinda hugs Hermione. The witch and I try to keep from touching each other. Stupid Hermione.

"So, what're you guys going to do?"

"Go back to England, hopefully. And I'm sure Rick's missing his family as well," Hermione answers Melinda.

The mercenary's eyes meet mine, but she doesn't say anything about what we discussed in Palmacosta. "Well, I'm headed into Triet. If, for some reason, things don't work out with these people and you don't die from lack of fighting ability, I should be at the local inn. But if it does… Well, I'm happy for you."

With that, Melinda Curt walks away. There's no dramatic walk into the sunset, no fiddle playing a slow song. Actually, she stumbles over a rock, but manages to catch herself before breaking into that same song she sung right after she saved me and Hermione that day we first met.

"What're we waiting for," Hermione asks, breaking the reverie I had settled into. Sighing, I step forward and move to knock on the big metal door, but it zips open before I can touch it. Seeing no guards around, I motion for Hermione to follow me.

As soon as we step inside the base, the door zips shut behind us. And I only say "Zips" because my head is still too sore to come up with anything more descriptive. See, back in Palmacosta, right before we left, someone hit in the head with something and I blacked out. Or, that's what I was told. All I know is that I woke up in a cabin on the ship with a headache. Hermione handed me cracked glass ball and said that someone threw it. I don't think she'd lie to me, because Hermione isn't the type of person to needlessly lie, but I did notice her eyes go all shifty as she explained it to me. Though what she would have to hide regarding someone hitting me in the head with something is something I don't know.

Stupid Hermione.

Anyway, when we walk into the base, one of those little robot things come over to us, and I hide behind Hermione because those things attack people, if I remember correctly. Instead, though, it just scans our bodies with some weird red laser. Then an alarm goes off, announcing the arrival of intruders, and it attacks us.

"Screw this!" I shout as I run around Hermione. As heroic an image it might have been for her to watch me run at the Mana-powered robot, it is probably shattered when I duck under it and leave her behind. She angrily yells for me to come back while I run to the door we came through and pound on it. No use, though, as it refuses to budge.

Then I get prickly a pain in my neck. Reaching up, I pull out one of those tranquilizer dart things that they're always using on lions and such when they escape from zoos and eat annoying, teenaged British girls with big teeth and bad hair. Then everything goes black again.

When I wake up, though, I'm not staring at that weird girl with the big boobs, like I usually am whenever I'm knocked unconscious. Something tells me that the lack of Sense Materia has something to do with this.

"So, you're awake."

Groggy, I sit up and see a man with long blue hair sitting in a big chair. I must not have been out too long, I suppose. Not that it matters. Because I'm sitting here talking to Yuan, the sexiest of the Four Seraphim. A quick scan of the room shows that Hermione isn't in it. In fact, this room looks curiously familiar. Why am I not in a cell like Lloyd was whenever he got captured by the Renegades?

"Where is…"

Yuan interrupts my question with a raised hand. "Your friend is currently elsewhere, under the watch of one of my most trusted followers." Botta, most likely. While I'm pretty sure Yuan is just curious as to why a couple of random travelers stumbled into his base, Botta is probably going to rough her up, unless he takes it easier on women than he does men. Although I doubt he will, what with Colette being female and all. And I'm pretty sure the thought of Hermione getting smacked around by a rather large half-elf should not be making me smile. "Now, it's my turn to ask some questions. Do you know where you are?"

Okay, Rick, it's time to put up or shut up. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being assaulted by angry, and quite possibly drunk, Scottish women, or do you want to go back to Gaia and be assaulted by angry, sober non-Scottish women? The choices…

"I'm in the Sylvarant Base of the anti-Desian group that calls themselves the Renegades," I confess. Yuan doesn't blow me into a million pieces for revealing that information. So I guess he wants to learn how I came across that tidbit of information.

"Are you a Desian spy?" he inquires. Um, no? Besides, if I were, I'm pretty sure I'd deny it anyway, so why bother asking straight out if I'm a spy or not?

"I'm actually here to see if you can help me." With a sigh, I glance at my satchel on the floor beside the chair I woke up and am currently sitting in. For some reason, the Renegades didn't confiscate it. I wonder why. "I was thinking that you could take me home."

"Home?" Yuan smirks. "You think I'd take you to Te'thealla just like that? What, pray tell, would I get out of helping you?"

Smarmy little… I should've known that he wouldn't be willing to help me without getting something in return.

"Actually, I'm not from Te'thealla. Or Sylvarant." Yuan's eyebrows go up, but he doesn't say anything. Assuming that he wants me to continue, I explain further. "Myself, and the girl I came here with, we're from another world. It's known as Gaia. It's connected to this world. Although I'm not surprised that you haven't heard of it. I mean, it is pretty far-fetched to just say that. And you're kind of all-knowing, what with the living for thousands of years and all."

Rick, shut up before he does decide that blowing you to smithereens is a good idea.

"Gaia? Hmm. What makes you think I haven't heard of it?"

Huh?

"Um, aren't you supposed to be all shocked to learn that there's another world out there or something? I mean, yeah, you've been pre-occupied with trying to get Mithos to pull the plug on Martel, but I doubt that the topic of questioning the very existence of _existence_ has come about."

Yuan lowers his eyebrows. "What are you talking about? You are a very confusing young man."

"I don't know. You just kind of caught me by surprise by saying that you know about Gaia."

"I said no such thing."

I point my finger at the sexy half-elf. "Yes you did!"

He shakes his head and smirks again. "No, I believe I asked you why you assumed I hadn't heard about it." Splitting hairs. Stupid sexy Yuan. "Regardless, why don't you start over from the beginning?"

Groaning, I tell Yuan everything I can remember. I don't leave out anything. Because that would be stupid. If I expect him to help me, then the guy probably needs to know all of the details. So, unlike when I went over things with Melinda, I tell Yuan all about my mother, the Materia, and the weird Scottish woman with the mysterious powers.

"So, you come from an Otherworld?" the half-elf ponders. He still sounds suspicious of my story, though. Not that I can blame him, what with being at war and all. "But you still haven't explained what you can do to help me."

"Information." Someone somewhere said that information is the key to victory. Although, that leaves the question of just what it is revealing my knowledge will let me triumph over. "See, I know things about this world. Things that should not be known."

"…such as Martel."

"Exactly!" I agree with a nod. "So ask me anything that you want to know."

"What happens to her? To Martel?" Well that's just craptastic. See, this is why you need to finish things when you start them Rick. They could be the linchpin in the destination of your soul in interdimensional travel. Or something.

"She dies," I tell him, not knowing whether it's the truth or not. But seeing as how he was trying to kill her, it's probably what he wants to hear. And the relieved look on his face kind of confirms that.

"Very well. Let's collect this friend of yours and I'll do what I can."

That's it? I tell him that the love of his _really_ long life dies, and he finds it in his heart to send Hermione and me back to Gaia? Nothing on Lloyd, Mithos, Kratos, or anything? Not even sexual favours? I'm kind of disappointed. I thought of Yuan as a bit more hardcore than that.

I sit up, a little woozy, but manage to keep up with Yuan as he leaves. Indeed, we stop in a nearby room and get Hermione, who's still unconscious. And I was right in guessing that it was Botta who was watching over her.

With the large half-elf following and carrying my (thankfully) quiet traveling partner, Yuan leads us to a familiar-looking room. A lot of these places look familiar from where I'd played the game, but to actually recollect what they are is beyond my abilities. This one, though, I do know this one. It's where those weird bikes were stored. The ones that were used to travel from between the two worlds.

Yuan attempts to explain to me just how they're able to utilize Mana to reverse the something or other of the thingy to power up the whachamacallit. Let's just say that I find myself nodding off until Botta nudges me with his elbow. And by nudge, I mean I go flying into the wall.

I pick myself up while wincing from pain. For some reason, Botta grunts and leans over. He sets Hermione on her feet. It seems that my impact with the wall woke her up. Then I am left to try to tell her what Yuan told me. She seems excited to know we're able to go home, but she's mad because I'm kind of messing up whatever it was Yuan said. And the smirking half-elf isn't helping. So the egghead ends up talking to the sexy man directly without fear or anything. Because she's too stupid to know that Yuan could blow her up.

"Do you know what they're saying?" I ask Botta while the two begin using bigger and bigger words.

He ignores me. Oh, that's right, I'm an "inferior being." Stupid half-elf prejudices. I had almost forgotten that wasn't just a Desian trait.

"Rick," Hermione turns to me with her arms folded over her chest. She's also tapping her foot impatiently. "What is this about going back to Gaia? I want to go to Hogwarts, not Shikon Academy."

"…"

Can this get any worse? I really do not want to have to get into all of this stuff right now. Not in front of people that I don't even know. My eye catches Yuan's, and I can tell that he's not going to say anything.

"Think this out, Hermione," I tell the girl as I try to think of what to say. "What is the likelihood that we'll be able to go back? Gaia is where we began, so it only makes sense that it would be the place we should return to. From there, you can go back to England or whatever. Because there's no guarantee of a connection between this world and yours."

"Connection?"

Crap.

"What I mean is: you have to retrace your steps to get back the source, don't you?" Ah, I'm such a good liar. She's starting to look as though she believes me and what I'm saying is actually true.

Finally, Yuan steps into the conversation. "I can't even promise that you'll be able to get back to Gaia. Rick explained to me that the separation between that world and this one is different than the one between Sylvarant and Te'thealla. These two worlds were once one. Your Gaia, it has never been linked to our world in a way that we knew of. Yet, it must be, for the two of you to have arrived here."

"Can we go home or not?" I whine, not interested in hearing another explanation of things that I don't understand.

Yuan nods and explains that he has had a theory about traveling to other worlds or something else that's completely coincidental. He says that all he needs is something from the world we want to go to. I really am surprised that it's that easy. So I dig around in my satchel. I don't want to give up any of my potions in case I'll need them, and something tells me that I'd just make an enemy of the Renegades if I gave him the pickles, so I end up pulling out one of those weird stones. It still feels wrong to touch, but Yuan doesn't seem to be bothered by it when I hand it to him.

He walks over to one of the little robots that populate the base and pressed a button on top of it. A small drawer opens on the thing's side, and Yuan inserts the stone into said drawer. Then the robot zooms off to attach itself to some computer-ish thing. I really should have paid attention in my computer classes. Although, I doubt that anyone in those classes would know what any of these machines are used for, anyway.

While Yuan begins punching buttons on a console, Hermione stands beside him, observing his every movement. Must she turn this into a learning experience as well?

"I really must thank you," Yuan tells me. Then Botta grabs me and pins my arms to my side while the blue-haired half-elf knocks Hermione away with a casual blow. More of those robots zoom around her. Their little laser thingies are concentrated on her. "I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find a source of Mana to sustain this world. Now you have handed one to me on a silver platter."

Wait a minute. I knew that this was too easy. He was just using us to steal Gaia's life force! Or something like that. It never was clear to me if Yuan was a good guy or a bad guy. This doesn't really clear it up either, seeing as how he's doing it to save Sylvarant as opposed to taking over the world or something equally stupid. I'm confused.

"Botta, please eliminate these two for me," Yuan says without any remorse. The large guy holding me readily agrees, but before he can do anything everything stops. And I mean everything. Even the sound of the machines whirring has ceased.

"Rick?" Hermione stands up and makes her way past the attack robots, which are frozen in place. She looks around fearfully. "What's going on?"

Unfortunately, I think I have an idea.

Next thing I know, I'm flying across the room and slam into the computer that Yuan is working on. That same Scottish woman is standing where Botta is, except she's standing _in_ him. He's gone all shimmering and clear.

"Do you have any idea what you were about to do? You could have crashed the whole server!" she screams. Someone is still wound a little tightly. Her hair is different, though. The Quistis-bun is gone, and now it's done up like Ino's before she cut it all off during her fight with Sakura.

What concerns me most is why she's talking like I'm interfering with some sort of computer thing. Programs, servers, etc. That's all I ever hear between violent strikes.

A blast of lightning hits the Scot, driving her to her knees. Hermione had charged up her attack while the woman was busy antagonizing me. "Who are you?"

"That is classified information, Miss Granger. I tried to tell your friend here not to do anything rash, but he doesn't seem like the type to listen to reason," the woman says as she regains her footing. Then, in the blink of an eye, she has Hermione by the throat. "I'll do whatever it takes to protect Kaoru, even if it means killing you. I'm sorry, but you've left me no choice."

Hermione starts gagging as her source of air is cut off. I use Yuan to stand up, surprised by the fact that he's as stiff as a statue. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that the monitor has the words "Initiate World Retrieval Process" on it. While my traveling companion fights to breathe, I look over the panel that Yuan was typing away on so happily. He has one outstretched finger, and it's over the "Enter" button. Knowing that I can't do anything to save Hermione, I press the button.

At first, nothing happens. Then my satchel begins to glow. The Scottish woman seems to notice this, because she drops Hermione. The witch coughs as she fights to breathe.

"What did you…"

Before she can finish her thought, all of the stones leave my satchel. They float in the air for a few seconds before flying at the robot that is holding the one I gave Yuan. The machinery starts up again. Then what appears to be a black hole opens up in the middle of the room. Out of it steps someone I never thought I would see again.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave these two alone," says the man I has slept with the night before we left Palmacosta. Then he hits Miss Scot with a dark ball of energy. Or something like that. He helps Hermione up while the woman with Ino's hairdo moans in pain. Then he looks at me. "We have to go, Rick."

Then they disappear into the black hole. The woman seems to be coming around. Afraid of what she might do to me, I tighten my grip on my satchel and follow.

Passing through the black vortex is like diving through a sheet of liquid ice. Which is just cold water, I guess. Except, I don't get wet. I look behind me and see the laboratory. The woman approaches with an angry look, but something zooms past her. It's those stones. Her jaw drops as they encircle the passage and begin closing it. She disappears from view when they finally do meet. There's a flash of light. No, not light. It's actually the opposite of light. But how can I see darkness in a world of black? Because that's what this place is.

A few feet away from me, the silver-haired man supports Hermione as she continues to cough.

"Thanks, whoever you are," I say to him.

"You don't recognize me?" he asks. I flinch at his question. "But Rick, surely you remember your own mother."

Surprised, I find my eyes latched onto him as his form changes. Hermione stumbles away and watches in fascination as his form changes from a tall man with silver hair into a woman with long brown hair. She has a plait in said hair. It has a Sense Materia in it. She's also wearing a white dress.

"I thought I had raised you better. Surely, you were taught that it's wrong to go around sleeping with just _anybody_," she laughs darkly. "And I was surprised that you actually went through with it. Aren't you supposed to be in love with your little monkey friend?"

My head hurts. "That was you?"

She nods. "I got bored and thought I would follow you. That world, though… if what I saw is a fair representation, then it's not even worth the bother."

I vomit, but the pale substance just disappears after it leaves me. It too becomes blackness.

"Are you ill?" my mother asks. "Do want mommy to comfort you again? Do you want me to become your little friend and make you feel good?"

This isn't… No. I did not lose my virginity to my own mother. I didn't… I…

"Rick? What's she talking about? Who is she?" Hermione calls out. She doesn't come near me though, as I continue to heave.

When I empty my stomach, my body decides that it's not worth it to make me convulse anymore. Weakly, I look from Aerith to Hermione. But I can't say anything.

"You didn't tell her?" Aerith inquires with that same dark laugh. "You're such a naughty boy, Rick. Now what am I going to do with you?"

"Tell me what?" Hermione stamps her foot, but there's no sound from it. "What the hell is this?"

"This is what he's been keeping from you. I know that you want to go back to Hogwarts, Hermione. I know you think that's your home world. But it isn't. I'm surprised Rick never told you or Fujin."

"Who is Fujin? What are you talking about?" Hermione asks again.

My mother chuckles behind her hand before looking at me. "Why, Fujin is just like you and Rick. She was born on Gaia, but grew up in another world. But she's back there, where you two belong. Gaia _is_ your home world Hermione. And Rick has known it for weeks. I told him ages ago. I'm surprised he never told you. I figured that Fujin would have come up, anyway."

"Rick?" Hermione looks at me, her eyes asking if it's true.

I look away.

"But you have served your purpose, Hermione. You don't have to go back to Gaia forever. I can help you return to Hogwarts if you want. I just need some help."

"Help?"

"No!" I finally cry out, finding my voice. "Don't listen to her, Hermione. This… this isn't my mother! I don't know who she is, but she's nothing to me. She's just lying to you! We need to go back to Gaia. That's where we belong."

"Shut up!" Hermione screams at me. "You've been lying to me, Rick! You just told me. You couldn't look at me. That told me everything. And maybe you have come to love Gaia, but I don't. I just want to go back home to England. I want to see my parents, my friends. Heck, I even want to see Draco and Pansy, the self-satisfied gits."

"But what about Lilka?"

Hermione finds herself looking away from me as she walks over to Aerith. "I do care about Lilka, Rick. But she will understand. She knows I've looking for a way back home. She's helped me look. Lilka didn't lie and keep secrets from me!"

"I did it for your own good!" I cry, ignoring the evil grin on my mother's face. "I didn't want to take away your hope by telling you that you were really from Gaia."

"It was false hope. And now that I have something real, you're trying to take that away." Hermione sniffs and turns her nose up. "I don't need you, Rick. I'm going home. And I'm going to help your mother."

Finally, I turn to Aerith. "Why did you do this? Why would you do this to me? I'm your son!"

Aerith narrows her eyes and continues to hold that smirk. "Oh, now you're my son? But I thought that I was nothing to you? That's what you just said."

I shake my head as tears begin to roll down my cheeks. How did… why… What the hell is going on?

"You've been a great help, Rick. You and your friends have been wonderful in helping me to recover some of my power," Aerith tells me as she snaps her fingers. There is one large stone that is pulsing like the half-dozen little ones had whenever I wore my Materia. It flies at her chest, and she absorbs it without even a flinch. "You've also managed to open doors to other worlds for me, something that neither Hermione nor Fujin could accomplish. Although, it seems that the world you were just in has been closed off. Not that I'm worried. There is always that Cami's Gaia to use as a stepping stone."

"What are you talking about?" I scream at my mother. Hermione has turned her back to me. "A stepping stone for what?"

"For getting the Kingdom Hearts."

This time, it was neither Aerith nor myself who spoke. The voice was too high-pitched to be Hermione, either. As if in some sort of irony, as blade slides through my mother, exactly as it had when she'd been killed by Sephiroth. After it's pulled free, she falls to the "ground" a bloody mess. And I see just who it was that killed her.

That's it: I've officially lost my mind.

Mickey Mouse walks over to me while Hermione looks at Aerith's body with a blank face.

"Richard…" Mickey says as he rests his sword, which is really a keyblade, on his shoulder. "I would have come sooner to help you if I had known."

"Known what?" I yell at the little mouse-person. Seriously, what is going on? First I find out that I had sex with my own mother, and then Hermione hates me even more than she already did because I was lying to her, and now my mother has been killed by Mickey Mouse.

Then there's a flash of light. Real light, this time. Mickey and I both look over to see that Hermione, who is still a half-elf, has cast some sort of spell on Aerith. And if the fact that my mother is standing up with relative ease despite the fact that she has just been run through with a sword is any indication, it was probably a healing spell.

"I told you, I'm going home," Hermione says angrily. Then she begins to power up another spell, her eyes concentrated on me, but Aerith stops her with a raised hand.

"I appreciate the enthusiasm, but there are easier ways to do this," my mother says as her form begins to change once more. She stays about the same height, but her hair becomes much darker, and her features more European. Within seconds, Aerith Gainsborough is gone, and Maleficent, from the Disney movie "Sleeping Beauty," is in her place. "Do you really intend to stop me by yourself, your Majesty?"

Mickey readies his keyblade. "I am never alone. Not as long as I have the light of my friends in my heart."

Okay, that sounded really corny.

Maleficent raises her fingers above her head and snaps her fingers once more. I feel pressure on my calf. Looking down, I see two yellow eyes looking back up at me. There's a hand on my leg, and whatever it is I'm looking at is using me to pull itself up out of the darkness.

Screaming, I bat at whatever the thing is with my satchel, but it has no effect. Within moments, the darkness around us begins to come alive with thousands upon thousands of yellow eyes.

"Heartless…" Mickey mutters as he looks at Maleficent.

"You actually fell into my trap. You truly are a foolish little mouse. Heartless, give me their hearts."

Suddenly, my entire body is grabbed at. Hands begin reaching into my mouth, choking off my cries. Mickey is swinging his keyblade around ferociously, but isn't even denting the attack force. Let alone protecting ME!

Then something happens. My satchel begins to glow again. It's a bright light. Something else rises out of it, and it manages to drive the Heartless off of me, although they remain rather close. King Mickey is too busy fighting to notice it, but I see Maleficent smirking still.

"So, someone is playing hero? No matter, Rick. You are of no consequence."

I reach out and grab the light. It's really that broken glass orb that Hermione had given me on the ship. I look in her direction, and she's glaring at me hatefully. Then everything is gone in a flash of light.

When the light fades, I fall to my knees and cough. As does the person beside me. I look over, expecting to see King Mickey, but instead I find myself looking at someone else entirely.

"Rick, Lloyd, it's nice to meet you." I look up and see a woman. She looks pleasant. Not particularly beautiful, but I can't really find anything wrong with her appearance, either. "Come with me, there's much we must discuss."

I stand up, as does Mr. Irving (and I have absolute NO idea why the main hero of Tales of Symphonia is here), and follow the woman. We're in what appears to be a garden, and it's filled with beautiful plant-life that I've never seen before. She leads us to a gazebo in the middle of the garden. In the semi-building thing, there is what looks like a wicker patio setting. The woman sits in a chair and directs me and Lloyd to sit opposite her on matching wicker sofa. Between us there is a small table (made of wicker, big surprise) with three glasses of ice filled with a transparent liquid. I pick one up and take a sip. It's lemonade.

"Hello, gentlemen. My name is Reala. There is no need to introduce yourselves, because I already know who you are."

I scan my memory, but cannot think of any TV show, videogame, or anime that I've ever had anything to do with, but I don't recognize the name Reala.

"What is this place?" I ask Reala. "Who are you? Are you the one who saved me?"

"One question at a time!" she laughs, and not in the evil way that I've become used to. This is a gentle, kind laughter. "Yes, I rescued you. Unfortunately, I couldn't save your comrades as well."

"You mean…"

"King Mickey's heart has been taken. But the girl, Hermione, hers remains intact for the moment. Although, that may be a benefit to selling your soul to the devil."

"Who are you people?" Lloyd asks as he sips his own lemonade. The stuff is really quite tasty, by the way. "Where am I? Where are the others? Has anyone seen Colette? Sheena? Kaoru?"

There's that name again! The Scottish woman was saying something about protecting Kaoru while she tried to suffocate Hermione. Who is this Kaoru?

"I know, Rick," Reala says as she catches my eye. "We'll discuss that later. Right now, there are some things that you two need to know. For instance, thanks to your boneheaded move of going to Yuan, you have established an actual, physical link between your world and Sylvarant. It's not as strong as that between Sylvarant and Te'thealla, so even the Renegades cannot access it, but you've also made this world _real_."

"Um, what do you mean by real?" Lloyd asks. I was wondering the exact same thing. It certainly felt real when I was being smacked around by that drunken, female brute.

"Lloyd, there's something you need to know. I was going to tell you later, but I suppose now's as good a time as any. You were created within a computer program, a plaything for people playing god. Your friend Kaoru, he's just an ordinary boy who was granted a wish. And he wished that he could be with you and your friends."

"Um…" I go to interrupt, but Reala quiets me with a look.

"Do you understand me, Lloyd?" she asks.

"What's a computer?"

I almost fall out of my chair.

"Never mind. All you need to know is that while you are here, you are also still with Kaoru. You see, someone decided to rip a hole in the wall between dimensions so that he could go home, and as a result there are two Lloyd Irvings. Both are real. I just happened to get to you before you could be discovered."

"Are you talking about me?" I ask, thoroughly confused by what the woman's saying.

"Oh, you're the other Lloyd Irving?" Lloyd asks in total seriousness.

"No, my name's Rick. Not Richard. Call me Ricky and die," I tell him with a shrug. "I think I'm the one who ripped the hole in the thingy."

"Oh, so you're the one playing god who made me with a computer?" Lloyd inquires.

I shake my head. "No, I think I'm just someone who got wrapped up in this my mistake. The person who made you was probably this evil, drunken Scottish woman who kept beating me up."

"What does Scottish mean?"

"Um, I think it means drunken. That's what my dad on Earth said, anyway."

"Earth?"

"It's another world I was on. The people there are kind of… well, I wouldn't recommend it to you, personally." I tell Lloyd. "They tend to be very not nice. Well, most of them. Some are all right."

Then Reala clears her throat. "That conversation was… interesting," she says with a look on her face that I find unreadable. "Rick, I know you came from Earth, but were born on Gaia. The thing is, you were on Earth so long that you actually fell into its, how do I put this? 'Wavelength,' I guess.

"But Kaoru came from the same Earth that you grew up on. As did the girl Cami that you've met with. The reason you were drawn to these people and their worlds is because you share a similar wavelength. But the longer you're on Gaia, the more your connection to Earth diminishes. Rummy is finding this out, now. That's why she views you, someone from another world, as a danger to Kaoru. Because, thanks to her, he is already in a lot of trouble as it is."

"Kaoru's in trouble?" Lloyd cries out as he sets his lemonade down on the table. He stands up and looks around. "I have to go help him!"

"He's not in literal trouble, Lloyd. Please, sit down." Reala sighs and rubs her eyes. I think I even hear her mutter the word _idiots_. Clearly, she's talking about the two Lloyds, even though I only see one. The other must be in the bathroom or something. "Getting back on track… Rick, there's something you need to know. It's about your mother."

"Is it that's she's an evil witch who has sex with her children and controls the Heartless?" I ask with a bitter voice. Lloyd just looks at me.

"That wasn't your mother, Rick. Your mother is dead, and has been for the last ten years. That was a woman posing as your mother. She used you, hoping that you would lead her to a world where she could rebuild her power. It seems that she had been defeated once before by a boy named Sora. He's the bearer of the Keyblade."

"I've played Kingdom Hearts, lady," I tell Reala as I cross my arms over my chest. "He killed Maleficent."

"If that were true, then who was that that just attack you?" Reala asks. Well, she shut me up. "Anyhow, it seems that, unlike her companions, Maleficent had taken steps in case she was defeated on her quest for Kingdom Hearts. She broke her soul in half and hid it across the world of Gaia, _your_ Gaia. So when she was destroyed by the Keyblade, her consciousness came to your world.

"It is also apparent that you, Hermione, and Fujin were taken from your home world as children by Maleficent and placed into your foster worlds. My theory is that she knows about this 'wavelength' I told you about, and she was hoping to use it to find another means of gaining power so that she could resume her quest. It also appears that she is succeeding."

"How does this involve me?" Lloyd asks.

"Didn't I tell you that you are one of two Lloyds?"

"When is the other one getting here?" I ask. "I mean, should we really be discussing this without him? Because I haven't been taking notes, and I don't want to mess anything up."

"The other Lloyd is not coming! He is saving Sylvarant and Te'thealla with Kaoru and the others!" Reala shouts, breaking from her pleasantness. Then she calms down and apologizes for the outburst. To be honest, I really don't see why she yelled in the first place.

"So, it wasn't my mother that I slept with?" I ask Reala for clarification.

"No, it wasn't. You had sex with a great evil, but it was not your mother."

"That's a relief." For a moment there, I thought I really had caught onto my Earth family's 'wavelength.' Inbred rednecks.

"How do you know all of this?" Lloyd picks his lemonade back up and leans into the sofa. "Are you one of those god people as well?"

She looks uncomfortable at this question. "…in a way. Although, I use my power mostly for observation. On occasion, I have gotten lonely and brought people here to visit. But those visits are few and far between."

"Reala," I finish my own lemonade and set the glass on the table. "Do you know how to get me back to Gaia?"

"Now that you've connected it to this world, yes. And I have a favour to ask of you." The woman smiles at me and Lloyd. "I would like you to take Mr. Irving here to Gaia with you. Because we can't have two of them running around in this world, and Rummy will want to dispose of him when she finds out that he exists. But if you go to Gaia, she won't be able to touch him."

"That's it?" I look at Lloyd. He's fishing around in his ice for a big piece before popping it in his mouth and chewing it. "No problem. I could always use another lackey."

"Lackey?" Lloyd asks around his ice cube.

"Very well, then. If you have any questions, now is the time to ask. Because once I send you to Gaia, you won't be able to come back. The device I used to bring you here is broken. It seems Kaoru thought it a good idea to throw it at you."

"So he's the one who hit me!" I cry out. "That really hurt!"

"I would've figured the chicken would've softened the blow a little."

"Chicken?" I ask.

"Never mind…" Reala looks uncomfortable. "Do either of you boys have any questions?"

Lloyd shakes his head, but I raise my hand. "Just one. Do you know how this will turn out?"

"I'm well-informed. Not clairvoyant." Then she stands up and raises her hands into the air. She thrusts them back down and the world is once again enveloped in blinding light.

And what the heck does clairvoyant mean?

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A/N: So, there you have it. The end of the ToS arc. And a lot happened. Like finding out that this so-called FFIX self-insert is really a messed up Kingdom Hearts fic. If you guys have any questions, leave them in your reviews, and I'll answer them to the best of my ability without spoiling them for you.

Oh, and to Animesage (whose fic The Fox Meets Sylvarant was the basis for the first half of this chapter), just in case you didn't figure it out, because we all know Rick and Lloyd didn't, a duplicate of your Lloyd was made and is being sent off to Gaia, so your story should not be affected. Although, I must say that I hadn't planned on the meeting with Reala until you put that lovely little device into Rick's goody bag, so thanks. XD


	32. The Aftermath

Chapter 32: The Aftermath

A/N: So… the last chappy was obviously messed up in a good way. I mean, I admit to a lot of that stuff being last-second additives, but the main things, Maleficent being the one to orchestrate everything and Lloyd coming to Gaia, had been planned from the very beginning of the ToS arc. However, a conversation between two of the stupidest people in fanfiction? I loved writing that. And there is much more to come. XD

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It takes a few minutes to get used to my surroundings after that weird light thing fades. Then it takes several more minutes to get over everything that had just happened. Because I do not like the revelation that there are nutcases with god-like powers running around. And, of course, some of them want me dead. Reala did say that Rummy, whoever the heck that is, wouldn't be able to touch me when I got back to Gaia, but that doesn't guarantee me safety from that Scottish woman or Maleficent. The first one did try to off Hermione, and then the latter tried to steal my heart. Plus, I did lie to and hide things from Hermione, which she views as some sort of betrayal, and as a result, she's run off with Maleficent. So that's going to be fun.

I look around my dorm, wondering where my roommates are. Because that's where Lloyd and I arrived. They must be in class. That's probably where I should be, too. Because I'm not in my Utena-uniform, anymore. Nor is my hair of a decent length. It's back to being short. I mean, I'm not bald anymore, but it's still at a length where I just can't do anything with it. A reminder of just how evil Steiner can be.

No, Rick is now wearing what looks like a sailor uniform, except I have brown pants instead of a skirt, and my shirt is green. Just call me Sailor Gaia. On second thought, don't. And Lloyd, the lucky little moron, is still in his red dwarf getup.

"Do you hear that?" the swordsman asks while I rifle through the fridge. Clearly, the kitchen is Sasuke's domain, because everything is all neat and orderly. As opposed to the bathroom. When we first got back to my home world, I ran for the toilet because my stomach was all queasy and I thought I might need to vomit, but when I saw a towel move on its own and start growling at me, I decided the sink would be of better use.

"Please don't interrupt me. If I'm going to cut class, I'm not doing it on an empty stomach," I tell the son of Kratos as I continue to look for something to eat. However, all I'm finding is lunch meat and condiments. Where are the salads?

Come to think of it, I wonder which Kratos would win in a fight: Lloyd's daddy, or the Kratos from God of War? Not that I've ever played God of War. That was more of a thing my brother on Earth was into. My tastes weren't as varied, or updated. Because I only ever experienced the ending of FFX by watching him play it, seeing as how I wasn't allowed to touch his precious PS2. The backwoods jerk.

Then Lloyd calls out for me. I look up from the fridge and see him standing by the window. His hand is waving frantically to get my attention. Rolling my eyes, I slam the door shut and walk over to see just what the big deal is. I gasp when I do.

There is currently a battle taking place on the lawn of Shikon Academy. I mean, there are people in full metal armour, swords and all, battling it out with junior and high school age kids.

Why didn't I hear the noise of the explosions that the magicians are throwing out there? Did Naruto and Sasuke have their dorm completely soundproofed so that no one would hear them when they have their hot, underaged mansex?

Why, after almost being killed twice, being told that everything I had ever believed about my life as Drifter was false, and ending up back on Gaia in the middle of a warzone, do I feel the need to reference the sex lives of a couple of twelve-year-old kids? Well, Sasuke's actually thirteen, but that doesn't really matter. They're both still just jailbait.

Seriously, you need to focus, Rick.

"Um, should we get out of here? Or bunker down and hope no one finds us?" I ask the red-clad young man. Then he looks at me with a grin. I'm not going to like his answer, am I?

"Come on!" Lloyd shouts as he kicks open the window and jumps onto the windowsill. Then I grab him by the back of his shirt and pull him back into the room. Unfortunately, I lose my balance in doing so, and fall to the floor with Lloyd on top of me. My head hits the footboard of Naruto's bed on my way down.

Lloyd rolls off me and gives me a disappointed look. Hey, we are on the third floor here. I'm not about to let the only person who can protect me jump right into the action while I'm left with only the MCoDs for defence. Because, honestly, they haven't been up to much as of late. I think Sylvarant and its lack of Mana may have drained them.

"What are you doing? I could have totally made that jump." The swordsman pouts as he crosses his arms over his chest in a very childish way.

"Well, I can't. And we're taking the stairs if we're going out there." I stand up and brush the Naruto-ness from my weird school uniform. Seriously, this is not a look I'm going to stick with if I can help it. And my head hurts from the collision with the bed.

The look I get from Lloyd is utter disbelief. "You _want_ to go out there?"

Knowing that my eyebrows have once again gone up into what would've been my bangs had a certain knight and subsequent ninja hairdresser not butchered them, I roll my eyes. It's a very awkward thing to do. "Um, I'm kind of worried about my friends. Zidane's out there, Dagger, Rei…"

"Who?"

"My friends. F-R-I-E-N-D-S," I say slowly, spelling out the last word for him. "They're people who are like family, except we aren't related and I have to give them back the money they loan me."

"I know what friends are." Lloyd looks insulted, but I don't care. Instead, I barge out the door and into the hallway. He follows.

Really, I know I should be worried about the fact that I could very well be walking to my own death. It's just that my brain is trying to do something with all of the information that Reala, Maleficent, and King Mickey crammed into my head. This whole time, I thought I was something special. There had to be a reason that I was a Drifter. I had to have some special power that the beings up in the sky wanted, or some rare genetic trait that an evil corporation wanted to manipulate. But I have neither. There is nothing special about me, just like there's nothing special about Hermione or Fujin. We were chosen by Maleficent for what I can only assume were purely random reasons.

For a moment, I consider my satchel. Why did she give it to me? Why not Fujin or Hermione? Back when I thought it was my mother who had brought me here, I just figured it was nepotism. Now the motives are a bit more suspect. What if it was something to help me survive because I'm the weakest of the three candidates? No, Maleficent wouldn't care that much. Unless she realized that I was the one who stood the greatest chance of finding her other worlds to infect. It doesn't really matter, in the long run. All that matters it that it's mine and anyone who dares take it will die a slow, painful death.

Then I consider Lloyd. Maybe he hasn't figured it out yet. Maybe he doesn't know that he's here forever. I mean, Reala wasn't exactly clear when she was explaining that stuff to us. Regardless, he's just like me now. He's being forced to live in a world that he knows nothing about. And it's my fault. I wanted to get back to Gaia so badly I lied and manipulated people. I ripped a hole in the universal time-thingy. Sure, there's always the excuse that I was doing it to save Hermione from crazy Scottish lady, but I would only be lying to myself. Nothing was going to stop me. Hermione was going to be left behind, probably to die, while I ran off in what would hopefully be a portal to Gaia.

Except it wasn't. And now Hermione knows what I did. She hates me. Yeah, we hated each other before, but I did betray her and leave her to die while I saved my own skin. She wouldn't have done that to me. She _didn't_ do that to me. Hermione had the chance, when we were ambushed by those bugs the day that we met Melinda, but rather than run she tackled the giant grasshopper thing. I know I wouldn't have done that. Because I'm a selfish coward.

My ruminations are interrupted by a flash of steel. There isn't enough time to dodge the sword flying at my head, but someone parries the blow. Then Lloyd yells at me for being an idiot and not paying attention in a battlefield. Well, EXCUSE ME for thinking that my role in the fate of the universe is something to ponder. Stupid Lloyd.

The Sylvarant-born swordsman stabs the soldier and then looks at me. "Pay attention or you're going to get yourself killed!"

Would that necessarily be a bad thing?

Shaking the thought from my mind, I look around in search of something or someone familiar. There's another explosion and I'm thrown from my feet. Lloyd catches me before I hit the ground, and I thank him with a smile before standing on my own two legs once more. This whole gravity hating me thing is really getting old.

"What do these people look like?" Lloyd shouts over the din of battle.

"What?" I yell right back. What does who look like?

He cups his hands around his mouth, which shouldn't be necessary because we're only five feet or so away from each other, but there is the whole people killing each other thing going on. "What do your friends look like?"

That's right. We came out here looking for Zidane and… Who else? Dagger? Rei? Ni?

Before I can answer, though, I see them. Or, rather, I see _him_ and then notice the others. My feet fly over the ground as I dodge various fighters on either side of the battle and jump over those who have already fallen. It should be sad that I'm getting used to this type of thing, but it doesn't matter.

"HONEY!" I cry at the top of my voice as I pounce and throw myself on the blond thief's back.

"Rick?" I hear Dagger's voice but ignore her as I hold Zidane. Every part of me missed this. He still feels the same. He still smells the same.

Then he shrugs me off and I hit the ground butt first. Stupid Zidane.

"Is that you, Princess?" he asks as he turns around. He looks me over and he doesn't look too happy. "What do you want?"

"This isn't the time," Dagger says as she tugs on his shirt. Time? This isn't the time for what? What's she talking about?

Someone else pipes up. "Come on, Zidane, listen to the sexy woman. You can get all violent and sweaty later. And you'd better."

I look at the others and see that it's not just Dagger with Zidane: Rei and Naruto are here as well.

"Rick!" someone else calls out for me. I tilt my head back and see an upside down Lloyd running at us with his swords out. He brandishes one at Zidane. "Who are you?"

"Ooh! Sexy guy with swords dead ahead!" Rei exclaims as she immediately latches onto Lloyd's leg like a dog in heat. "Tell me, Hot Stuff, do you know how to swing other things about as well as you do those?"

Okay, I know I didn't miss _that_.

"We really should find somewhere else to do this…" Dagger tells our group. Zidane eyes me and groans as Rei leads us to one of the nearby buildings. I notice that Naruto is uncharacteristically silent.

After Rei blows a few people up, with Zidane and Lloyd cutting down the ones she misses, we manage to find shelter in the administration building. I recognize it from where we'd come here the other day to see Headmistress Ichinose. To semi-barricade the doors, Lloyd shoves one of his swords through the handles.

"What is going on?" I ask the group after everyone gets a chance to breathe. I also notice Naruto wander off to sit alone in a corner.

"The school is under attack," Dagger informs me. Well, I never would've guessed. Not even I'm that stupid, woman.

"Actually, the intent of my question was me wanting to WHY there are people slaughtering the student body."

"We don't know," Zidane says even though he's refusing to look at me. What the heck is going on? Did I do something to tick him off? Did that other Rick, the one who was here while I was in Sylvarant, tick these guys off somehow?

Then Lloyd decides that he too needs to speak. His question is addressed to Zidane. "Um, do you have a tail?"

"Yeah," the blond thief answers with a cocked eyebrow.

"You have a tail." This time Lloyd isn't even asking a question.

"Didn't I just say that?"

"People aren't supposed to have tails, but you do. Why do you have a tail?"

Zidane does look at me this time. "Princess, I never thought it would happen, but I finally met someone stupider than you. Where did you get this guy?"

"We just met, actually," I half-lie. Then I remember the rest of what he said and stamp my foot and tell him that I'm not stupid. But there isn't any good natured reply from the short thief.

"I'm not stupid, either!"

Keep telling yourself that, Lloyd. Someday it might come true. Probably won't, but you never know.

Rei then latches herself back onto Lloyd. "Cute _and_ dumb. How can you go wrong?"

I look over at Dagger, who seems incredibly relieved. "It's nice to see that you've found someone, Rei."

The blue-haired girl pushes herself off Lloyd and wraps an arm around Dagger's waist, hand settling her hip. The other hand is on Dagger's lips. "You should know by now that you're my number one."

Looking at Dagger's face, I can clearly see that she's regretting having said anything. You would've figured she would've learned better by now.

"What's his problem?" I ask the princess with a jerk of my thumb in Naruto's direction. The ninja doesn't even act like he heard me.

"Since when do you care about what happens to other people?" Zidane scoffs. That's incredibly unfair! Rick cares a lot about other people! A lot!

"What are you talking about, Honey?"

"You and your little girlfriend ignore us for a month, and then all hell breaks loose and suddenly you want to act like you give a damn!" he shouts angrily.

What? I was gone a month? But Hermione and I were only on Sylvarant for a few days. Not even a week. So what is he talking about? And what's this about me having a girlfriend? I look to Lloyd, but he shrugs. Of course he wouldn't have any idea what's going on. Not only does he not know anyone here, but he's also new to Gaia in general. Plus, there's the stupid thing.

"Honey…"

He doesn't say anything else, so I appeal to Dagger and Rei. The princess looks at Zidane warily and doesn't say anything. Of course, Rei doesn't mind saying what's on her mind.

"I would be mad at you too, if you accused me of trying to kill you just because I put you in a headlock, Rick. And then the way you and Hermione ran off together after that was kind of weird. Lilka said that it was probably a side-effect of some spell she cast that made you two go all crazy, but Zidane wouldn't believe it. I did, and so does Dagger. Don't you, Baby?"

I'm sure her defence of me would've been more convincing had it not been for the fact that she was rubbing herself up against the heir to the Alexandrian crown the whole time. I look at Zidane again, but he clearly doesn't believe what Rei just said.

"Magic spell?" I say the two words more to myself that anyone else. Did Lilka cast a spell before Hermione and I found ourselves stranded in that other world? I'm thinking she did, but I can't clearly recall if that's what really happened. It doesn't matter, I suppose. There's already an ironclad alibi for my bizarre behaviour.

"Where is Hermione?" Dagger asks me as she actively ignores the fourteen-year-old who's just as actively grinding herself into the princess.

I shrug and I say I don't know. Which is the truth. There's no way of telling where she and Maleficent went after Reala saved me from that weird void place.

Then someone starts beating against the door. Everyone readies themselves. Except for Naruto. He's still sitting silently in the corner. I'm also hiding behind Lloyd and his one sword, because I don't think Zidane would take too kindly to me using him as a human shield right now.

Eventually the wood gives and I scream as I bury my face into the back of Lloyd's shirt and wrap my arms around him. I'm too young, talented, and gorgeous to die!

"Tacchi!"

Well, that's the last thing I expected to hear. My death is supposed to bring about something along the likes of: "The world shall weep for this lost symbol of all that is perfect, now I vanquish thee beautiful one!" Not that I've put too much thought into what someone should say if they killed me.

Lifting my head up and peering over Lloyd's shoulder, I see that Rei has latched herself onto whomever it is that managed to pierce our meagre defence. She's also trying to rip off his clothing. No surprise there.

"Rei!" the soldier cries as he wraps his own arms around the blue-haired girl. He also sounds incredibly happy. Like he's seeing a long lost friend or something.

"Big Brother! It's been ages!" Rei then removes herself from the person and we get to see just who it is really is that she's molesting.

And my face goes back into the small of Lloyd's back with a squeak.

"We have been separated for far too long, Little Sister. You need not fear. Your mighty brother has come on a mission of the greatest importance."

"Don't call me that!" Rei shouts angrily as she hits the young man. "And just what is your mission, Tacchi?"

Learning why he's here or why the heck he's even Rei's brother is put on hold so that Dagger can ask a question. "Um, who are you?"

I peek out from under Lloyd's arm, taking the time to smile up at the bewildered swordsman before concentrating once more on the weirdness.

He puts the flat of his blade on his shoulder and smiles, his dark brown bangs just short of covering his matching eyebrows. Out of nowhere, he produces a red rose and smells it before it holding it out to the princess. "You need not worry, dear maiden. Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of the Kuno Clan, does not wish to bring you harm."

Rei slaps the flower from his hand, however, as she stands between Dagger and Kuno. "Knock it off, Tacchi. This one is mine."

"Do not make your jokes in front of such gorgeous young ladies, Rei. You're both girls."

I catch Zidane's eye and he gives me a look that clearly shows he's just as confused as to what the heck is going on as I am. Really, it's completely inconceivable that Rei is Kuno's sister. For starters, he and Kodachi did not have a sister in the anime or the manga, and Rei isn't nearly crazy enough to be a Kuno. That would just be creepy.

"Oh you big silly!" Rei declares as she grabs Dagger and pulls the older girl to her side. "Of course we're both… girls. It's kinkier that way!"

After watching Rei stick her tongue in Dagger's ear, I feel the need to change my opinion on the matter of Rei being a Kuno. She definitely fits in with the family members I know of. Although, I must say that I'm surprised that Rei didn't recognize me. I am supposed to be her sister's fiancé. Provided Kodachi is her sister. There isn't any guarantee that they're related in this universe. But the odds of that being the case are pretty small. So, yeah, I'm totally screwed.

"This is not right, Rei! You shame your poor brother with this debauchery!" Kuno wails as he turns his head from his sister and looks in mine and Lloyd's direction. Then his eyes widen. "YOU!"

"No, not me," I say as I attempt to hide all of myself behind the surprisingly thin Lloyd. "You're mistaken."

"Oh, you and Rick know each other? Did you guys go out back home in Ascantha or something?" Rei quips. Then her brother looks at her and shakes his head with a vehement denial.

"Tatewaki Kuno is given light and breath by the visions of beautiful young women in this world. Not average looking men."

Then I stand in front of Lloyd with my hands on my hips. "There's no need to deny it that much. You would be lucky to go on a date with me. And I'm much better than average, thank you very much.""

"Princess…" Zidane slaps his face with a moan.

However, Kuno's attention is back on me and I once again leap behind Lloyd.

"Should I be worried that he's going to attack me to get to you?" Lloyd inquires as he looks over his shoulder at me.

"Shut up. It'll be good sword practice for you if he decides to," I answer as Kuno does make his way in our direction. However, his sword is sheathed.

Then he falls to his knee and bows his head. "Your Highness, I come bearing a message. Your beloved fiancée, and my own dear sister, requests that you return to Ascantha for your wedding."

"WHAT?" Rei shouts again, but angrily this time. She stomps over and lifts Kuno off the floor. "MY BELOVED BIG SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED TO THIS IDIOT!"

I am not an idiot. And why is she getting so worked up about it? Stupid Kuno family and its need to be utterly insane.

"Not, not him," Kuno shakes his head as he points at Lloyd. "I was talking about Prince Richard."

"It's Rick!" I shout from behind Lloyd. Then everyone goes silent. The sounds of battle outside can still be heard, but every set of eyes in the room is on me. Except for Naruto, who's still sitting in the corner silently and staring at the floor.

Craptastic.

"Prince Richard?" Dagger says slowly as she stares at me with dinner plate-sized eyes.

Zidane shakes his head in disbelief. "Princess? You're a Prince?" then he gets that grin that I know so well. "And here all this time I thought you were just a big queen."

Okay, where's something to throw when you need it?

Okay, Zidane's stupid joke aside, this is not good. That's yet another lie that's come back to bite me in the butt. Stupid Karma. Hopefully this one won't end up with Zidane, Dagger, and the other's turning their backs on me and joining the forces of evil like Hermione did. Because I don't think I could handle that.

My meat shield goes flying and Rei looks up into my face. "So… you're the heir to the crown of Ascantha and the one who's going to marry my sister?"

I shake my head. "No, you've got it all wrong. I'm not a prince. And I'm certainly not marrying your sister."

Then Dagger jumps up with recognition in her eyes. "I remember now! You're the cross-dressing prince! My family went to your mother's funeral! But I was really young and don't remember anything about it other than what my Mother and father told me."

Um, that's because your village hadn't blown up and your so-called parents hadn't fished you out of the sea when my mom died. Or had they? I don't remember because I wasn't here for it. Stupid Maleficent.

"But why did you lie to us?" Dagger asks as the light fades from her eyes to be replaced with hurt. That's not the same look Hermione had in her eyes when she yelled at me, so I hope it's safe to assume that they don't hate me yet. "I mean, you know that I'm a princess."

How do I answer that question? I'm really getting tired of lying, but I really do doubt that they'd believe the truth. So I sigh and try to make something comprehendible out of what I've learned. "A few years back, I found out I was engaged. Horrified by the thought of it, I ran away from my country. I traveled for a few months and eventually settled in Alexandria. You know the rest of the story."

"So, my wonderful sister horrifies you?" Rei shouts as she pushes me. Ow. What is the big deal? It's not like Kuno likes Kodachi. Well, the one in the manga didn't, anyway. I never did see too much of the anime. "Well, I say that you're not good enough for her!"

"Rei!" Kuno barks harshly. "Do not speak to our future brother-in-law in such a manner!"

"I'm not marrying your sister!" I shout with the full power of my lungs. "I have absolutely no interest in Kodachi!"

"Good!" Rei shouts back despite her brother's protests. "You obviously don't deserve someone as beautiful, kind, and wonderful as my sister!"

Excuse me? I don't _deserve_ Kodachi? Does Rei not remember that I did, in fact, have someone who was beautiful, kind, and all around wonderful in Michael? Oh, right… I didn't deserve him. In fact, he was scraping the bottom of the barrel when he found me. Stupid Rick! That's another example of how lying and scheming hurts people. It hurts doesn't just affect nutcases like Kodachi and Hermione. Kind, decent people get swept up in your stupidity, too. And you haven't even thought of him in ages. What's wrong with you? You don't need Maleficent to end up heartless. You already are.

"Rick?" Lloyd puts a hand on my shoulder and it's then that I realize I'm crying. Damn it! Why is all of this happening now? A month may have passed in this world, but it still seems to me like Michael's only been dead a little over a week, and I'd forgotten him. Not to mention that everything I thought I knew about myself has been turned upside down two or three times, and I'm here confessing to my friends that I'm royalty and _still_ lying about things. What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't answer him as I break down. An hour ago I lost my first mother for the second time. I turned Hermione away by lying, and as a result I all but caused Mickey Mouse to die. I was going to leave Michael for Zidane, whom I'm supposed to be in love with despite the fact that he's straight and never will see me as anything more than a friend, and I'm not even on Sylvarant three days and I'm already having sex with complete strangers. It doesn't matter that it was Maleficent in disguise. Nothing matters. Not to me, anyhow. Because I'm concerned about nothing but myself. I'm an evil, selfish prick. Hermione was right. She doesn't need me. Nobody needs me. I'm just a parasite. A tapeworm, a flea, a Yeerk.

I close my eyes because I can't bear to see the range of emotions on the faces of the people looking at me. Dagger pities me: her mother is trying to kill her, but she's feeling sorry for me because I have to lie in the bed I made. Rei is looking regretful because she said harsh things, even though they were true and she's not the one who needs to be sorry. Zidane isn't even looking at me. And I can't see Lloyd's face because I've buried my own into his shoulder as I sob. Because of my selfishness in wanting to get back to this world I've messed up, I ruined his life. Reala had to send him here so that one of those other god-like people wouldn't kill him. I made Lloyd Irving a fugitive in his own world! What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be a normal person and not ruin everything for everybody? Why can't I stop lying?

For some reason, someone is awkwardly patting me on the back. I don't deserve to be comforted! However, I don't push Lloyd away. And I know it's him because, believe it or not, he's the one I've wronged the least. And that's only because I've haven't even known him a day. How long will take for me to judge and dismiss him like I have countless others? Rei, Melinda, Kodachi, Quina, Raijin: that's just naming a few.

"Ahem," Kuno coughs to attempt to get everyone's attention. "As for why I have graced you all with my presence… On behalf of the nation of Ascantha, I have come here to escort Prince Richard back to his homeland for his wedding."

"Wait a minute," Zidane speaks up as Lloyd continues to soothe me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't Lloyd be worrying about himself instead of me? He's a Drifter now, too. Oh God, I'm just like Maleficent only without the wrinkles. "Are you here with the soldiers attacking the school?"

Kuno affirms this. I hear someone growl.

"So you guys attacked this place just to get the Princess?" he asks.

"No, we came here after Prince Richard."

"That's what I said."

Eventually, the two end up back on the same page.

"So," Zidane says thoughtfully as he looks at me. "If he were to go with you, then you guys would all leave?"

"Of course." Then Kuno turns to Rei. "I have also been instructed to bring you home for the wedding, Little Sister."

He then goes flying into a wall by Rei's hand.

"Then it's decided." Zidane crosses his arms and looks at me angrily. I feel like crying again when I see his face. "Buh-bye, Princess."

Dagger chooses to voice her objection to this. "No! Zidane, he's our friend! We can't just abandon him when he needs us."

"Why not?"

"Rick?" It's Naruto speaking this time. I turn around and see that the blond ninja is standing. He's also staring right at me with a kunai in hand. "These people, they're here because of you? Sasuke is… they killed him over _you_?"

Then he leaps, his weapon pointed at my heart. Like a lightning bolt, Kuno is in front of me with his sword out. Naruto is hanging off the end limply. He coughs up blood before the Blue Thunder shakes him off the blade. Dagger screams. Zidane curses.

"Let us leave," Kuno says to Rei and me. Looking completely unfazed by Naruto's impalement, Rei skips after him. Lloyd puts an arm around my shoulder and we follow them out into the battlefield. I look at Dagger and Zidane as we pass, but her eyes are locked on Naruto. Maybe she can use her white magic to save him. I hope so. But Zidane isn't looking at the ninja. He's looking right at me. And he does have the same eyes that Hermione had.

What have I done?

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A/N: Oh my, it seems Rick's really made a mess of things. And there was a rather large amount of cursing in this chapter as well. And this is the start of what I'm going to call the Kodachi arc. The "villain" from the naming contest a "few" coughseveralcough months back SHOULD be appearing. Although, he was originally supposed to be in this one. Go figure.


	33. No Pain No Gain

Chapter 33: No Pain, No Gain

Hello there, Rei Kuno at your service! Unless you want to service me, because I totally won't mind. Why am I here instead of the author's notes you're so used to? Well, that's because the loser who writes this thing is using me as a vehicle for pimping out an awesome story in the Ranma ½ section of this website. Although, it'd be more awesome with me in it. It's called "Hybrid Theory" and involves worlds fusing together, dead people, gods, mysterious powers, yada yada. Oh, and let us not forget all of the hot young men and women just waiting for me!

So, yeah, this whole thing is a rip off of what those guys who write it did with the introductions to their stories. But, I must say, the guy who writes this did make the perfect decision regarding the choice in character for this gig. Seriously, the people out there in the world NEED me. And let me tell you that I intend to deliver. I'll pull all-nighters if I have to. Or you could just ask nicely. But I like to be forceful.

But on to the story: Rick was all emo and stuff because he had sex with some woman who was pretending to be his dead mother only in a man's body or something, and it turns out that he really is a big loser. I guess that just goes to show some people aren't cut out for weird sex. Stranger things have happened. Like that whole world-traveling thing. Rick was kind of depressed about that, too. And then there's the fact that Lloyd Irving has come into my world. He is kind of cute, but I'm starting to think he's not interested in me. Please, most guys like it when I smack them around. Anyway…

Zidane was also kind of a prick because he thinks Rick was just being a jerk when in fact it wasn't Rick. Lovely, that miscommunication stuff. But my big brother did show up. He said that Rick was going to marry my absolutely divine big sister. That's just something I can't let happen, and on top of that I've been invited to go the wedding. And while the idea of a bunch of horny guys standing around in black clothes that make them sweat is appealing, I must say that I disapprove of the nuptials.

Oh, and if you're reading this, I will return Dagger, you sexy piece of royal a…

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It's rather chilly at the South Gate. That's where Kuno decided we should go after we left Shikon Academy. My little quartet split off from the main group and is taking the long way back to Ascantha lest we draw the attention of Alexandria and Brahne decides it would be a good idea to eliminate my country's heir. Or something like that. My mind was in another place when

Currently, Lloyd and Rei are engaging in an informal contest of just who can eat the most of the "infamous" South Gate Bundt Cake. And she's winning, although he's not going down without a fight. Kuno is just sitting off to the side and acting as though his sister isn't pigging out. He isn't acknowledging my existence, either: Just staring at his reflection in his sword, which has been cleaned of Naruto's blood.

Thinking about that is something that I really don't want to do. Because of me Naruto may be dead. Sasuke is dead. If I weren't so immature, if I could just face my parents and tell them that I'm not interested in maintaining the monarchy, then maybe they might still be alive.

The first time I played FFIX back on Earth, I fell in love with this place. South Gate, I mean. It does suck that the only time you got to come here was when Dagger met up with Marcus. Except, you see, whereas they were going to Treno, we're going in the opposite direction. They're taking me back to Ascantha so that I can marry Kodachi. Something I really do not want to do. And that's not just because of the whole "sweaty mansex" thing because, honestly, that hasn't exactly turned out too well in the past for me. I've slept with a whole two people, of whom I can't even remember. The other one I would dearly love to forget. But, no, that's not the only reason I'm dreading the marriage to Kodachi. There's also the fact that she's utterly insane.

And I'm not the only one who doesn't want the wedding to take place. Lloyd doesn't really understand what's happening, not that I blame him, and Kuno just doesn't seem to care about anything other than his family's honour. It's Rei. She seems to be even more opposed to the idea than I am. Though, for the life of me, I can't understand why. Kodachi is in love with me, for obvious reasons, and would be lucky should we get married. And I think I know Rei well-enough to know that she isn't considering my well-being.

All of that is enough to make someone go crazy. Maybe not literally, but it would reek some damage on their psyche. But normal people also don't have to deal with some of the things I've dealt with. Not to suggest that I'm not normal. Because Maleficent made that perfectly clear. She's the one who told me that I was chosen for whatever scheme she was planning for completely random reasons. Because I'm a Prince? Because I'm a character in a TV show? Because I'm gay? Then why were Fujin and Hermione chosen as well?

I look at Lloyd again. He has a satisfied grin on his face despite the fact that Rei is now on her seventh cake while he's only halfway through his fifth. The boy is here because of me. It's been three days since Reala sent us to Gaia. Three days in which he protected me from soldiers, monsters, and Rei's wild mood swings. But why is he protecting me? I know that Lloyd, at least the one from the videogame I played, is a kind person at heart, if not the most considerate or intelligent. That doesn't explain why he's here with me, though. Is it because we came to this world together? He could have just as easily wandered off in search of his friends or some other failed attempt at regaining his old life. Instead, he's traveling with me and two siblings of the woman I'm supposed to marry.

But there are other things. There are other people. It's not just me, Hermione, and Fujin going through this. Reala said that those people I met in my dreams, Cami and Kaoru, she said that they were from the world that I grew up on. They're from that Earth that I can no longer think of as home no matter how hard I try. And she said that because we were all in that dimension or whatever, that we attracted each other like radios or something. I don't really remember. But they're in danger because of me. Maleficent is going to try to do her weird universal-dominance thing by gathering power in this world, and then moving into their world, or worlds, to gain even more. Not to mention those other crazy people with insane powers. That Scottish woman talked a lot about protecting Kaoru from me and Hermione, but I saw Maleficent take her down with one blow. And that wasn't even the evil Disney woman at full power. So what chance do those god-like people have at actually stopping her?

Maleficent did mention something about that world being cut off, though. And Reala also mentioned something about it not being real until I did my whole "get Yuan to open up a way back to Gaia" thing. So it does go to show that they have some power. But are they actually going to challenge Maleficent, or raise some sort of barriers around their worlds to keep her from getting in? Because, eventually, she's bound to gather enough power to break down whatever defences they raise. Unless they quarantine her in this world, if that's even possible. But do they even know of the threat facing them? The Scottish woman didn't have any idea why Hermione and I were in Sylvarant. Heck, I still don't understand why I was there. Maleficent said something about me opening doors to other worlds, and later mentioned that she had seemed to have some sort of contact with the people of that world, though I guess that's just me drawing conclusions since she never actually came out and said that she had crosses the barrier.

This brings to mind just why she saved my life. Am I going to keep opening doors for her? Leading her to other worlds she can conquer? The one person who seemed to understand what was going on was King Mickey, but he's dead now. Well, technically he's still alive, but that doesn't really matter since his heart's been taken. Or, at least, that's what Reala said. But if Maleficent can still control the Heartless, why is she even bothering with gathering power? Yeah, Sora and the others could still show up and beat the crap out of her, I guess. I mean, it would make sense for them to be around if King Mickey and the Heartless are. But is that why Maleficent is keeping such a low profile? Does she not want to get caught before she can build up her power reserves? But she's pretty much blown her cover with taking on crazy Scottish lady and stealing King Mickey's heart. So maybe she's already reached a point where she's no longer afraid of the Keyblade. She was impaled with it Aerith-style, and all it took was a healing spell from Hermione to fix her right up.

Hermione… Out of all the stupid things I've ever done, that's probably the one that'll bug me the longest. Because I thought it better to lie to her than tell her the things that Maleficent told me while she was posing as mother, she's gone and joined the dark side. And I seriously doubt that they have cookies of very good quality.

But even that isn't the worst thing I've done. Because of me people are dead: good people who would have been better off without having met me. I knew Michael worked at Alice's, and I also knew that it would be destroyed when Brahne used one of the Eidolons on Lindblum. And if it weren't for my insistence that we go to Cleyra, Raijin never would've been slain by Seifer. Sasuke and Naruto would still be alive if I'd just talked things through with my parents instead of just running off like the coward I am.

"Want some?"

Lloyd pulls out a chair at the table where I'm seated. Honestly, I didn't want to be seen with him and Rei while they engaged in their cake massacre. And the fact that Rei is now break dancing in the middle of South Gate's restaurant in celebration of her victory over Lloyd is more than enough proof that I was right.

"Looks like you've got plenty," I tell him as I lean over the offered piece of cake and pluck a large crumb off his cheek. For a few seconds, I stare at the baked item before dropping it onto the plate Lloyd set in front of me. That was… Well, I guess I've just been thinking too much today.

"That girl can really put it away," he says, oblivious to my unnerving action. He turns around in his chair and watches with a smile as Rei grabs some stranger sitting quietly at a table and begins to dry hump her. The woman then breaks free from Rei's grip and runs off screaming. If I didn't know better, I'd just blame it on a sugar high.

Pushing the cake away, I close my eyes and breathe deeply. "Lloyd, don't you miss them?"

"Miss who?"

Okay, I seem to have forgotten that Lloyd can neither read minds, and is therefore unable to know what I was thinking before he sat down, nor can he come up with complex thoughts of his own. So I'm going to have to spell this out for him. I swear. Talking to stupid people is such a pain.

"Don't you ever think about the friends you left behind on Sylvarant?" I ask him as I pull the plate back to myself and begin spinning it on the table because I can't think of what I should do with my hands. "It's been three days. You don't seem the least bit sad about the fact that you'll never see them again."

His smile drops away almost immediately. Now I feel even worse. Great work, Rick. Misery does love company, but you don't have to bring other people down with you.

"Yeah, I miss them, but I try not to think about it. There's nothing I can do. So I just need to focus on the here and now. Maybe I'll see Colette, Genis, and the others again. Maybe I won't. Who knows?" then he shrugs and goes back to watching Rei molest the other customers. Eventually, all of them are driven away to the little inn that they have going on here. I don't remember there being an inn in this world, but I guess it really doesn't matter. Almost nothing is like it was.

Pouting, Rei sits back down in front of the mountainous ruins of cake that she and Lloyd left behind. Then she grabs a fork and begins to finish them off.

"Is it really that simple?" I ask Lloyd as I pick at the cake, rolling some of the frosting between my fingers before licking the sugary substance off absentmindedly. It's then that I notice the swordsman staring at me. What? Do I have something on my face?

He blinks. "You remind me a lot of him, you know. You guys aren't exactly alike, in fact you're almost nothing alike, but there's something about you that reminds me of Kaoru."

Um, could the fact that we both spent the majority of our lives on Earth have anything to do with that? Because I do remember Reala telling _both_ of us that. Stupid Lloyd.

But that brings something else to mind. If Kaoru is supposed to be in Sylvarant (or Te'thealla, or whatever), then why did I meet him in that other Gaia with that Cami person? Unless I met them in Sylvarant after all, but then that leaves me wondering why Cami was in Sylvarant. And my brain has officially run out of steam.

"I'm tired," I announce to my little squad of morons. Seriously, I'm traveling across the Mist Continent with two Kunos and Lloyd Irving. That leaves me as the brains of the organization, so to speak. They'd just better be glad that they have someone as smart and good-looking as me to lead them. The idiots.

"So go to bed," Rei shoots with a mouthful of cake. "We'll be fine without you. And so will my beloved sister."

"Rei…" Kuno warns, speaking for the first time in ages. Here I thought he'd gone to sleep. His eyes were closed and everything.

"Shut up, Big Brother," she warns as she points a fork in his direction. "Rick should not be marrying my darling Kodachi."

Darling Kodachi? Seriously, Rei has to know just how much of a psycho her sister is. What is up with her admiration for the Black Rose? Those Kuno people are crazy, I tell you.

"It will be an honour to our family for Prince Richard to marry our twisted sister!" Kuno shouts back as he slams a hand on the table.

Does the fact that I don't want to marry her have any bearing at all?

"She is NOT twisted!" Rei cries out as she throws the fork at Kuno's head. He brings up his sword in time to block it, but just barely. "She is intelligent, beautiful, and better than all of you! Especially Rick!"

What does she mean by "_especially_ Rick"?

"Excuse me, but you seem to forget that I am a Prince," I shout at Rei as I stand up and slam my hand onto my table. Lloyd just raises an eyebrow. "Your sister would be lucky to marry someone like me. I'm just not into psychos."

"Don't talk about my beloved Kodachi like that!" Rei shouts back as she leaps over the table to get at me, instead coming down on Lloyd. She puts her hand on his head and pushes herself to her feet. "Take it back!"

"Little Sister! Do not harm Prince Richard!" Kuno shouts as he jumps onto the table that separates me from the blue-haired lunatic.

These Kunos are really starting to get on my nerves. I grab the piece of cake Lloyd gave me and fling it at Kuno, hitting him in the back of the head. "My name is Rick!"

Then Rei grabs the table and jerks it out from under Kuno. He crashes onto his backside, and I silently cheer because I wasn't the one to fall this time.

"I told you not to call me that!" Rei screams at Kuno before lifting the table over her head and bringing it down on his. The wood cracks down the middle and it splits in half. Then she throws the pieces away and jumps right on him, slamming her fists into his stomach.

But he rises up fairly unharmed and brandishes his sword at Rei. She responds by blasting him in the chest with a lightning bolt.

Deciding that it's best if I leave this to the family members, I slink over to Lloyd to make sure he's still alive. "Are you okay?"

He sits up and rubs his head. "Um, did I miss something?"

"Lloyd, this is the fourth time that those two have broken into a spontaneous battle since we left Shikon Academy," I remind the swordsman as I help him stand up. "Why don't we go get a room before the management decides to kick us out?"

"Sounds like a plan," he agrees. Thus we leave the members of the Kuno family that aren't obsessed with me behind to kill each other. And I have the bizarre feeling that I've lived this scenario before. Stupid Déjà vu.

The lobby of the inn is deserted. I have to wonder if it's because the people are afraid Rei would follow them. Even the guy at the front desk cowers slightly when we walk in. However, he sees that it's just Lloyd and his gorgeous companion. He then understandably calms down. I have a very soothing nature, you know.

"Can I help you two gentlemen?" he inquires as we approach the desk. I nod and tell him that we'd like two rooms. He then looks at me, slightly confused. "Aren't you two sharing a room?"

"Yeah," I answer with a cocked eyebrow. This guy is a real freak. "The other room is for my friends. They're still out at the moment, though. One of them is a girl with blue hair. You'll know them when you see them."

Seriously, there must be something in the water in this world. I don't remember anyone from Sylvarant being this, well, weird. Melinda excluded. What was up with that girl?

He hands over a key. I grab it and look at the number inscribed on the little piece of wood attached to the key ring. Can I just say that it relieves me to know that this world actually has such a thing as key rings? Oh, and our room is on the second floor.

When Lloyd and I enter the room, the first thing I do is lock the door behind us. Then I put my satchel on the doorknob and plop down on the bed: as in one bed for two people. But seeing as how the alternative is sharing a room with Rei or her brother, I'm not going to complain about it. Lloyd will just have to sleep on the floor. I've gotten enough of that over the last several days.

Kicking my shoes off, I lay my head on the pillow and stare at the wood ceiling. The bed squeaks as someone lies down next to me. Rolling over, I find myself staring at Lloyd's back. "What are you doing?"

"Going to sleep," he answers.

"Not in this bed," I order as I place my feet on his back and push. However, instead of kicking him onto the floor, I end pushing myself out of the bed. Stupid gravity and its need to hate me. How long can this possibly go on?

"Seems you disagree with me," the swordsman laughs as he hangs over the edge of the bed. There's a big smile on his face.

Scowling, I sit up. "I think I'm going to take a bath."

Then I stand and leave, grabbing my satchel on the way out. If course, I leave the key to the room with Lloyd. He might need to lock the door if Rei decides she needs to find someone to rape while I'm gone.

The inn is set up a little differently from the others that I've been in. Rather than having a bathroom attached to the room I'm staying in, I have to share one with the other people on my floor. But seeing as how it was already late to begin with when we arrived and the Kuno siblings have driven the other patrons to lock themselves in their rooms, I think I'm going to be able to take a bath comfortably.

And I say bath because it seems that only upscale place and rich people can afford showers. Go figure.

Confirmation of both my correctness and my genius, the bathroom is indeed deserted. I close the door and sit on the toilet, rummaging through my satchel for my toiletries. At the base of the South Gate, some woman named Mary was selling stuff. Rick thought it prudent to pick up soaps, towels, and a self-manicure kit for the MCoDs. It's been too long since they've experienced the "M" part of MCoD.

Grabbing a bar of soap and a blue towel, I put everything else back in the satchel while folding the towel and putting in on top of the closed toilet seat lid. Good thing Kunos are known for their stupidity. And their status of being filthy rich. Kuno himself as paid for everything on your journey thus far. And I've also noticed that he's the only one who calls himself Tatewaki. Rei calls him either Tacchi or Big Brother, whilst I (and Lloyd by my influence) just refer to him by his surname. Not that he seems to mind.

Running water is a miracle that I'm glad this world has. Sylvarant lacked it, and it very much irked me. It's a small thing you really don't miss until you don't have it. I can still remember that inn in Dali that didn't have water. Zidane had to teach me how you bathe on the road. If only that sentence really were as dirty as it sounds…

Not only does this place have running water, it also has hot water. Some sign posted somewhere mentioned something about natural hot springs in the mountain. So I'm just going to assume that's where the water is coming from. My arm is sore after I fill the tub (still have to pump the water by hand, it's just with a hand pump for hot and one for cold), but it looks really good. Steam is wafting off the top and all of that other relaxing description stuff.

It feels good, too. My head sinks below the surface. This leaves my knees exposed to the cold air, but they get their turn at submersion when I come back up for air.

I scream when I do come back up, because someone is leaning over the edge of the bathtub and staring at me. It's someone with blue hair. Quickly, I hunch over and hug my knees to prevent Rei from seeing anything. She shrugs and stands up, walks over to the bathroom door, shuts it, and locks it. Now why didn't I lock it?

"Rick, I think we need to talk alone," she tells me as she throws my stuff in the floor and sits down on the toilet. The lid is down, but it still makes things awkward. Not that they aren't already. What with the being naked and all.

"What do you want?" I ask her while freeing a hand to wipe the excess water from my face. Must these people even interrupt my bath time?

"I don't want you to marry Kodachi."

"You've made that perfectly clear," I remind her. "And I believe I have mentioned wanting nothing to do with the lunatic."

"Don't insult my beloved Big Sister!" Rei shouts as she grabs something from the back of the toilet and throws it at me. It bounces off my head and plops into the water. Ow. The object bobs in the water and I pick it up to see that it's complimentary shampoo. Sweet. "Anyway, do you remember General Chal?"

Of course I remember him. He's the guy who led the invasion of Shikon Academy. Lloyd and I met him after Kuno and Rei had escorted me off the campus and the forces had been recalled. To look at him, you wouldn't think much. He's a few inches taller than me, skinnier than I am (I swear, that in and of itself radiates evil), has short purple hair resembling Locke's from FFVI (minus the headband), and he dresses like a medieval stoner. But the man has a scary look to him.

To answer Rei, I nod.

"When you ran away from Ascantha three years ago, I'd already been at Shikon Academy for five years. My parents shipped me off there when I was little because I kept accidentally blowing stuff up and biting the servants. I still do the latter when I come home to visit, but they all like it now." I continue to nod, waiting to see what the point of all this is. "But I was gone for most of my life, which is probably why I didn't recognize you as the Prince when we met. Although, you were wearing a dress, and it's a well-known fact that the Prince of Ascantha like to cross-dress…"

"Are you going somewhere with this?" I ask while twirling my hand for emphasis.

"Don't interrupt!" Rei shouts again while throwing something else at me from the back of the toilet. Ow. I do not even want to know why there is an action figure of Lina Inverse here. But, again, the great and perverted Rei speaks. "Chal Lyngrants is in love with Kodachi, too. He has been for years. In fact, while you were off doing whatever it is you were doing, he approached my parents about ending her engagement to you so that he could marry her. They considered it, but Kodachi was adamant that she would marry her 'Darling Richard.' Not that I see what's so great about you."

Gritting my teeth, I warn Rei to watch it. Then she challenges me on just what I'm going to do. I look at myself, shivering in the cooling water, and concede that she has a point. Stupid Rei.

"Rick, just do me a favour and leave Kodachi alone. I don't want you to break her heart, because then I would have to break your legs."

If only she were smiling as she said that. And what was with that "too" comment when she said that General Chal was in love with Kodachi? Because I thought I had made it perfectly clear that I have NO feelings for the girl. Unless she was talking about Lloyd. But he's never even met the psychopath. Whatever the heck that means, I decide to ignore it.

"If I had my way, then I wouldn't even be going back to Ascantha." I look Rei right in the eye as I say this. "I don't have any intentions of marrying anyone, let alone your sister. So when we do get there, I'm just going to have to tell them no."

Rei looks taken aback by this. "But aren't you duty-bound to find a bride to marry?"

I raise an eyebrow at the KOSMOS wannabe.

"Fine, bridegroom," she corrects. Then she stands up and walks over to the bathroom door. "And when you get out, tell your friend that he really needs to loosen up. He got kind of weird when I told him that a man with two swords was sexy because I always get turned on where double penetration is involved."

And then she finally leaves on that horrible mental image.

I sigh and climb out of the tub after she leaves. Now I really don't feel like taking a bath. After picking up the towel and drying off to the best of my ability, I wrap the soap up in said towel and throw it in my satchel. After dressing, I consider putting my socks on, but instead just throw them over my shoulder.

Water still drips from my hair as I make my way back to my room. Lloyd is already asleep. His swords are on the floor next to the bed, as are his boots and his shirt. Why he didn't lock the door is beyond me. However, knowing full well that there are violent perverts running amuck here, I do lock the door. With an exhausted sigh, I fling my satchel and socks onto the floor.

Screw it.

Without even bothering to change, I climb into the bed and lie on top of the blankets Lloyd has tucked himself under. This just isn't right. Everything about today, nay, everything about this world since I've come here has been absolutely wrong. No, not wrong, just different. I've already been here on Gaia for about three months. That's including the month or so that passed while I was off doing my Sylvarant thing.

Three months… I'm not exactly sure how much time passed in the game when I played it. But I don't believe it took quite that long. And if that weren't depressing enough, I also missed my birthday without realizing it. I think. Well, it was my birthday on Earth. But returning from Sylvarant has proven that time doesn't exactly flow evenly between all of the different worlds. Assuming that is true, though, then maybe I wasn't seventeen when I came to Gaia, after all. I could be in my twenties. No, that isn't right. I…

Happy Belated Birthday, Rick. You're now eighteen. Or something.

Tomorrow we leave South Gate and head out for Ascantha once more. That means we should be there within the week. Unless I get up right now and take off. But that's not very smart. It's already been proven that I can't do anything on my own. Well, I could wake up Lloyd and convince him to come with me, but then it'd just be Raijin and Fujin all over again. I convinced them to help me escape from my homeland last time, and now he's dead and there's no information as to what happened to her after we separated in Alexandria.

I don't want to do that to anyone else. Maybe I should just do the responsible, adult thing and talk with my family and the Kunos. I know that Rei would probably support me if I do tell them that I don't want to marry Kodachi. Although, I have to wonder what her reaction would be as to why. Because Kodachi isn't the only reason I don't want to get married.

As much as I've tried to avoid it, I can't help but realize just how much of an influence my life on Earth holds over my life in Gaia. I'm now fairly certain that I don't want to go back. And it hurts me to realize that I won't see my friends or family from there ever again. But even as hard as it's been in the big picture, my day to day life is ultimately easier. There isn't someone hating me just because I'm gay. And I hate to play that card to get sympathy, but that's just how it is sometimes. The people on Earth, even my own parents, they weren't supportive at all. That's something I haven't had any trouble getting here. Sure, Zidane wasn't too keen on my relationship with Michael, but that wasn't about the fact that Michael had a penis. It was because he thought I was better than Michael.

And the only people to have really given me any trouble about my love life, that weren't directly involved in it, were Cecil and Kain. But that was just such an insignificant thing that I'm surprised I even remember it. Their words were far tamer than what I would hear from my own brother on a daily basis.

On top of that, there's also the fact that I'm pretty much an atheist. That hasn't been a problem here, either, but it also hasn't come up. I mean, the only contact I've had with religion since coming to Gaia has been making out with Angelo at the Abbey and discussing the World Regeneration with Melinda and Hermione when I was on Sylvarant.

I'm just so tired.

Why can't anything ever come easily to me? Why can't I wield a sword with utter proficiency, or cast powerful magic like it's nothing? Why is my destiny to be a pawn in Maleficent's bid for power? I don't even know what the Kingdom Hearts is because that's another game I never finished! Stupid Ursula. I'm nothing special, that I do know. I'm not the person who's going to save the world or get the girl. Or, more accurately, get the guy. All I am, is frightened little faggot who thinks his problems are more important than everyone else's.

I draw my knees to my chest. Feeling like this sucks. Being happy… I miss that. When did the happiness go away? Sylvarant? No, it was before that. I think it was before I ever came to Gaia, actually. Perhaps that's why I accepted the illusion that I was brought to this world to join Zidane, Dagger, Vivi and the others in stopping Kuja and saving the world. I wanted something positive in my life. But that's not why I'm here after all. I'm not saving the world. If anything, I'm holding that up. Zidane and Dagger should be off the Mist Continent by now. And Vivi shouldn't be living a semi-happy life in Lindblum. Not that I want to take that away from him.

Why won't my brain shut up? Damn it! All I want is to go to sleep. I don't want to remember my old life. I want someone to just replace my memories of Earth with those of the Rick who lived here in my place so that I wouldn't be feeling the guilt that comes with knowing that, if offered the chance to go back, I would refuse it. And I don't want to remember how much I enjoyed being able to get away from everything while I had sex with Maleficent, even if I didn't enjoy the sex at all. I just want the physical pain to come back so that I don't have to concentrate on all of this emotional anguish. But I'm also afraid of just what I may do to myself or someone else if I stay in this mindset.

"Rick?"

Lloyd rolls over and I realize that I'm sobbing again. And that I woke him up. I don't need this. I do not need him to comfort me again like he did at Shikon Academy. I do not need for the person whose life I ruined to be touching my shoulder comfortingly. I don't need him to scoot over and pull me into his arms. I don't want to cling to him like I wish Zidane would let me. I don't want Lloyd to whisper to me that everything is going to be okay because, damn it, it's not! Things are not okay. They are royally screwed up. I'm screwed up. I'm just a scared little boy in a grown-up's body who wants his mother but can't have her.

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A/N: Well, the new "villain" was introduced in this chapter, but you may have missed it if you blinked. Getting to develop Rei's character is something I am finding to be quite enjoyable, though. But the most important thing is whether or not you guys like just how much of an emo Rick's become over the last few chapters. I mean, there are still the comedic moments, mostly involving Rei, but I'm afraid the more serious ones are taking precedence. And I don't know if that's a good thing or not. So let me know, would you?

Oh, and I've already concluded my other long-running fanfic, so I'll be able to concentrate more fully on this one until I get another major project going. XD


	34. Running Out of Steam

Chapter 34: Running Out of Steam

A/N: Well, it's good to be back at writing these opening notes myself. Because you have no idea how much effort it took to edit Rei's "contribution" without having to cut all of the overly lewd and vulgar parts out. Because that would have left, like, two sentences.

And I feel that I need to apologize for how long it took me to update. Let's just say that certain things coughTalesoftheAbysscough combined with writer' block made this chappy a very hard effort.

That's all I have to say at the moment, so now I leave you with Rick and everyone else acting like idiots.

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"I'm not going in there!" I tell Kuno, the guards, and the castle servants who have gathered outside of the throne room. Rei is staring at Jessica hungrily. For her part, Jessica has me in a headlock and is forcibly attempting to drag me into an audience with my parents. Lloyd is just looking like he doesn't why he's here.

Someone grabs my legs and I'm literally carried. Uncaring, Jessica doesn't bother to support my head properly and ends up choking me. Oh yeah, those bruises are going to be real pretty. And then I'm unceremoniously dumped onto the stone floor. After pulling my face off the cold rock, I look up into the disappointed eyes of my step-mother and the cold, distant ones of my father. This is going to be a lovely family reunion.

"We would like to speak with our son alone," Tifa tells the assembled. The crowd begins to disperse, but Tifa calls out and requests that my future in-laws remain behind. Lloyd looks at me but I don't say anything. Instead, I opt to turn my head away.

Things haven't ever found a level of stability between the swordsman and me. We were brought together by Reala, and have pretty much spent every second together since. And it hasn't helped that I've been having emotional breakdowns all over the place. He's been there for me, though. Why, I don't know, but he has.

Perhaps that's why I'm not surprised to see that he's standing just inside the door, resisting Jessica's attempts to root him from the spot. She didn't say a word to me when we came back. All I know is that she acted like I didn't even exist until I grew cold feet and attempted to run away. That's why she had me in a headlock.

"Young man, this is a family matter," Cloud, my father, tells Lloyd.

"He's staying," I say, although I don't look at the King and Queen as I say it. The floor seems a much more appropriate place to affix my gaze.

"Why should you get a say?" my father inquires coldly.

He's right. Who am I to make demands when they sent an army to massacre a school just to bring me here?

"He's my friend. That's why." I finally stand up and look forward. However, my eyes meet Tifa's as opposed to Cloud's. "If you don't like it, I'll leave again."

"I have armed guards," he reminds me.

"I don't care!" I shout as I stamp my foot. "You don't get to slaughter school children and take the high road with me! You… you… butthead!"

Yes, I just called my father, Cloud Strife, a butthead. And the look of amusement on his face assures me that I will not be stabbed with the Buster Sword because of it. But then his smile disappears. He and Tifa look at each other before readdressing me.

"What did you just say?" my step-mother asks.

"Um, I think I called him a head made of butt," I explain as I point at the blond man who is eyeing Kuno rather heavily.

"Not that," Tifa sighs. "Did you just say that we slaughtered school children?"

What? They didn't know? But they have to have known. I mean, they ordered the attack. Who else who have that kind of authority?

"Well, General Chal and a bunch of other people stormed Shikon Academy, how they got in I don't know, and a lot of people were killed." Some friends of mine, even. Sasuke, Naruto… I don't even have any guarantees that Zidane and Dagger made out alright after we left. "Apparently, it was all so that I could be brought here to get married. Which I am not doing, by the way."

Cloud continues to look at Kuno as he speaks. "What is this?"

"… 'tis a fallacy, your highness," he tells my father with a bow. "True, we did attack the school, but it was on official orders."

"Whose orders?"

"General Chal Lyngrants'," Kuno answers. I look past the prostrating swordsman and see that Rei has her eyes affixed firmly on my stepmother's chest. Of course, the male member of that family is still speaking. "We had approached the officials of the facility prior, but they refused us the Prince, so we retrieved him with force."

Then my daddy changes focus to Lloyd, who is still standing silently by the door. "Young man, Jessica should be stationed outside the door. Would you tell her to send for General Lyngrants and Lady Kodachi of the House of Kuno?"

"Who's Jessica?" Lloyd inquires.

"She's is the young girl whom carried my son into the room," Tifa says with a smile. Rei is still looking at my step-mom like she's lunch.

"Okay." Lloyd gives them the thumbs up and opens the door, yelling at the top of his voice. "Hey! Jessica! They want some general guy named 'Chow' and some Kodachi lady living in a house made out of Kuno!"

Then a foot appears in the doorway and Lloyd goes flying back into the wall. The door is slammed shut and Tifa is laughing. "That girl is so lively. I'm glad she's here."

Yeah, "Lively" is a good way of putting it. And I'm so looking forward to seeing just how the whole thing involving her having to bring Kodachi here is going to turn out, because the only time I ever saw the two together involved a lot of violence.

Then we all stand around for several minutes without a word being spoken. Honestly, I doubt anyone even knows what to say. So I find myself taking the initiative to break the ice.

"So, what do you think?" I ask my parents as I finger the short strands of hair on my head. "Do you like my new hairdo? I mean, I was bald the last time you saw me."

Before they can answer, though, Rei decides to speak. "Actually, I think Lloyd's hair is better."

The swordsman looks at her in surprise. "Really?"

"Totally," she affirms with a nod.

I am so not believing this. Lloyd does not have better hair than me. Besides, Rei thought Dagger was sexy when she had orange hair and dressed like a lumberjack. That is not someone I'm taking fashion advice from, thank you very much.

"Please," I say as I put my hands on my hips and look at Lloyd, "don't you go acting like you have the best hair in the world just because some girl prefers it over mine. Something I will NEVER understand."

Lloyd's eyes widen, but Rei is the one who gives me a verbal response in addition to her dirty look. "Did I say Lloyd has the best hair in the world? No, that honour goes to my beloved Big Sister." Here she looks up to the heavens while putting both hands over her heart, one on top of the other. Her face gains an ethereal, dreamy quality to it. "My dearest Kodachi has shiny, black hair like strands of obsidian. And her skin is soft like the petals of rose…"

She continues to list all of Kodachi's imaginary features of awesomeness while I roll my eyes and look at the MCoDs. That home manicure kit I bought has restored them to most of their former glory. I just need to find the right colour fingernail polish.

"But he does have better hair than you," she adds.

Before I can properly decapitate the girl with said MCoDs, the big wooden door explodes as a flash of black invades the throne room. Despite smashing her in the face with my satchel when she gets close enough, Kodachi still pulls me into a bone-crushing hug.

"Oh, my darling Richard, I knew you would return to your bride!" the Black Rose cries as she shoves my face into her breasts. Didn't something along these lines happen the last time I was in Ascantha?

Then Rei manages to squirm her way into the millimetre or so that exists between Kodachi's body and my own. She uses her behind to push me to the floor while somehow pulling her sister even closer than Kodachi had me, something I thought impossible.

"Oh, Big Sister, I missed you so much!" Rei screams at the top of her voice before shoving her face into the part of Kodachi that my own face had occupied just seconds ago.

Jessica steps through the remains of the door and clears her throat. "…presenting Lady Kodachi of the House of Kuno, and also presenting General Chal Lyngrants of the Ascantha Military."

Then _he_ walks into the throne room and it feels as though all of the heat has just been sucked out through the ceiling. His frozen eyes latch onto me. Then they travel over to sight that is Rei attempting to fuse herself into Kodachi's body. For a second he seems to spasm, but maintains his composure.

"Highnesses," he says to my parents as he kneels before them. Then he looks up at them. "You summoned me?"

"Our son informed us that Shikon Academy was attacked by this nation's forces. And it has been confirmed by one of your men," Cloud tells him.

Chal glares at Kuno, who has suddenly found the ceiling very interesting.

"Indeed, your majesty, I led an attack on the institution," Chal confesses as he once again looks to the floor. "Prior, I had discovered that the Prince was there and approached the Headmistress of the academy. She refused to let us bring him back. Fearing for his safety, I instructed the men that had accompanied me to invade and find the Prince t all costs. We were met with a vicious resistance, however."

Why do I not believe him?

"Am I really to believe that?" Cloud inquires. Chal looks up at him with wide eyes. Yeah, Mr. Scary Guy, my daddy isn't stupid. So HAH!

"I have no reason to lie, your Majesty. All I did was bring home your son."

"Don't go forgetting about all of those people who died needlessly," I remind Chal before getting shut up by his cold stare. Seriously, this guy defines the word creepy.

Cloud closes his eyes and appears to be deep in thought until he speaks again. "General, you are now under house arrest. You will stay confined to the city until I can come up with a reasonable punishment for your actions."

Actually looking caught off guard, Chal looks at my father with the widest eyes I've ever seen. He then nods and leaves. Of course, I get a scary, dirty look along the way. I'm actually quite surprised this happened without violence. Another surprising thing is that my father was rather soft-handed. Maybe he isn't the tough Cloud from the games that I knew.

"Richard, my darling, have you no words for your bride?" Kodachi cries out as she jumps onto my back. I buckle under her weight, because she really is heavier than she looks, and my face smashes into the floor. And then Rei jumps onto Kodachi's back. How do I know it's Rei when my lovely visage is plastered against cold stone? How about the fact that I can feel her hands on my back as she begins to grope her sister while Kodachi does the exact same thing to me?

I'm finally starting to sympathize with that Guy character from Tales of the Abyss. Women are indeed a scary thing.

"Get off!" I scream at the floor as I struggle under the weight of the two insane women on top of me. "Leave me alone, you psycho!"

"Don't talk about my wonderful Big Sister like that!" Rei screams s she grabs my ears and begins to attempt ripping them off. It doesn't help that Kodachi is trying to push her sister off, thus increasing the pressure on my ears. They're one of my most underrated features, too!

Then both girls go flying away. Thankfully, my poor ears don't go with them.

"Are you okay?" Lloyd asks as he holds out a hand for me. I grab it and he hoists me to my feet. Then he disappears into a blue blur.

"NEVER TOUCH MY KODACHI!" Rei screams as she begins punching the swordsman.

I just sigh and look at my parents. Tifa has a grin on her face, showing that she feels all of this is funny. Cloud is unreadable. Ignoring the violence going on beside me, I wait for one of them to speak.

"Oh, Richard!" Kodachi coos as she jumps into the air and lands beside me. I don't even bother with a reaction.

Tifa seems to notice this because she looks at me with sad eyes. "Is something wrong, Rick?"

"I can't do it." Wow, I'm being serious for once. "I just…"

"Rick?" my dad leans forward on his throne. All it does is serve to show the distance between us.

"I can't marry her!" I scream as I point at Kodachi.

She just wraps herself around me and insists that there's no doubt I'll marry her.

"But, why not?" Tifa inquires.

Of course, Rei is the one to answer. She looks at my stepmother while grinding Lloyd's face into a rug. "You guys really don't know? I thought it was obvious."

"What?"

"It's pretty clear that your little boy likes to play with the big boys, if you know what I mean. Not that I blame him. I like the big boys, too. Not to mention their even bigger sisters." Rei is so vulgar.

Cloud looks disappointed as he asks me if it's true. When I nod, he turns to Tifa and sighs. "Fine, you were right. I owe you five thousand Gil."

My face comes into contact with the floor once more. Seriously? My parents were betting on whether or not I was straight?

"I suppose this means we'll have to cancel the engagement," Cloud sighs with annoyance as he looks at Kodachi. "Sorry. Perhaps your brother is interested?"

"NO!" Kodachi screams as she launches a baton at her unusually silent sibling. "Nobody will take Richard from me! I am supposed to be his queen!"

"The only queens here are Rick and his mother," Rei laughs. Kodachi ignores her. Kuno falls over in n unconscious heap, Kodachi's baton clattering to the floor.

"Young lady, I do not like violence in my audience chamber," Cloud tells Kodachi. She ignores him and lunges at me. I fall to the floor to avoid her grasp. After colliding with the floor, I rub my head and curse whoever invented stone. That stuff hurts. And then I find myself looking down the business end of a baton. Kodachi appears to be a step away from foaming at the mouth.

"If I cannot have him, then nobody shall!" she declares as she thrusts the baton at my head. There's a flash of metal, and for a moment I fear it's one of those clubs of hers with the retractable spikes. But I feel no pain whilst Kodachi screams. I look up from the floor, surprised that my head is still on my shoulders, and see that my life has been saved… by Lloyd. Kodachi is holding her forearm, which has a bleeding cut, and the baton is lying on the floor.

Poor Lloyd.

There's a blue blur and he is flying in the air. He lands in a large heap while Rei begins to make over Kodachi. Then she looks at the swordsman in red who saved my life. "You hurt my sister!"

However, Kodachi puts her bloody hand on Rei's face and pushes her out of the way. She produces a black ribbon, holding the stick in one hand and playing with the fabric in the other. Her wound must not be too serious.

"You attack _me_? Do you not know who I am?" the Black Rose inquires of Lloyd as he stands, making his way to block me from any attack that she might make. His swords are held before himself in anticipation.

Then it happens. My father screams "Enough!" and steps between me, Lloyd, and the psychotic sisters. He has the Buster Sword in hand. "Miss Kuno, I suggest you take your siblings and leave."

"Very well then, but Richard _will_ be mine," she challenges as she strides over to Kuno and effortlessly throws him over her shoulder. She walks out through the rubble that is the door. Rei doesn't look at me as she happily skips out the door in her sister's wake. The blue-haired one calls out for Kodachi to wait for her, but is promptly ignored.

Someone puts a hand on my shoulder. I look and see that it's Tifa. "Are you okay? You're shaking awfully heavily," she says as she kneels beside me. She doesn't pull me into a hug this time. I wonder if it's because of how I left the last time I was here.

"Perhaps you should get some rest. We'll talk after things have settled," Cloud advises. Then he calls for Jessica to show me to my room. Which is probably good, seeing as how I don't remember where it is. Then he also tells her that someone will have to stand guard over my room. Whether to make sure I'm safe or to see to it that I don't escape again is anyone's guess. I'm thinking it's more of the latter, though.

Lloyd follows us. At first Jessica acts like she's going to tell him to back off, but then she looks at me and sighs. A lot of people watch as we walk through the halls of the castle. I don't know if thy recognize me or not, seeing as how it's been months since I've been here and I was bald at the time, whereas now I'm not. Thank goodness.

"Stay in here. The guards are under orders to actually prevent you from leaving with force, if it's necessary," Jessica says as she glares at me. "Your friend can go if he wants, though."

Then she turns round and leaves. The door is slammed behind her.

"What's her problem?" Lloyd asks angrily as he sits on the bed.

Sitting beside him, I kick off my shoes and my feet thank me for it. "Once upon a time, she was one of my best friends. Then I treated her like she was nothing and ran away from this life…" I look at the floor sadly. "I don't remember any of it, but I don't blame her for hating me either: because _I_ did that exact same thing not that long ago."

"What are you talking about?"

Okay, I remember Lloyd being clueless, but is it really that hard to follow a conversation?

"Do you remember that we met because I was messing around in your world or something? Well, this is my home world, but it isn't where I spent the majority of my life. Some other Rick lived here for over ten years. I have almost no memories of this world."

"Point being?"

Must…control…MCoDs…

"It means that I don't know what I may or may not have done to tick someone off!" I yell in his ear. He winces, but I am so not done. This needs to be gotten off my chest. "My friends hate me, my relationship with my family is in ruins, and there's a year or two of my life which is still floating around somewhere in limbo."

After rubbing his ear, Lloyd looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "So why don't you just tell them what you told me?"

"Why don't I…" Wait, why don't I? Hermione didn't seem to have any problems with sharing that information with Lilka, and Melinda took it rather well. So why not share it with Zidane and the others? Provided I can get them to stop hating me.

I lay my head on Lloyd's shoulder and sigh. Things really are a mess. The only people that don't hate me are Lloyd and my parents. And even the latter have a less-than-ideal relationship with me.

"Are you okay?" the swordsman wraps an arm around my waist comfortingly.

"Lloyd, will you do me a favour?"

"What?"

"Can you go in town and get me something to eat? I'm starving. Oh, and no meat. I'm a vegetarian."

He then asks what that means. I tell him to just get me a salad.

After he's gone, I lie down on the bed and contemplate a nap. No, I don't care if that makes me sound like Shikamaru.

A few hours later, the sun is down and Lloyd isn't back. Did he get lost? Because all he has to do is walk in the direction of the big castle. I'm sure it's not that difficult to comprehend. What's taking him so long?

"Are you really that lonely?"

I sit up and look around, but don't see anyone. Okay, either I'm hearing thing or there's some random disembodied voice. Doesn't either choice make me crazy, in addition to meaning the same thing?

"Hello?"

The room seems to get darker. Every shadow in the room starts moving, coming together in a spot right in front of my bed. Darn it, I do not need evil people bothering me right now.

"Are you ready?"

Maleficent pops up out of the shadows. She spreads her arms out and gives me one of her creepy, evil smiles.

"Go away," I tell her as I grab one of my shoes and chuck it at her face. "You smell like cheese."

"You dare insult me?" the woman screams as my shoe hangs off her nose.

"Umm, yeah?" then I throw the other shoe.

She then threatens to kill me, but Melinda jumps through the window and lands on my bed with her little sword thing. "Does anyone know where I can find some tomato juice?"

Okay, why is Melinda here? This isn't even her world.

Suddenly I jerk and sit up. I'm really cold. There is no evil woman with a shoe on her face, nor an annoying one with a superiority complex. However, it is still night out, Lloyd isn't here, and the window is indeed broken. Oh, and there's a body on the floor.

I lean over the bed and poke whomever it is with my finger. He isn't dead. That would probably be good news if he weren't much former future brother-in-law.

"Prince Richard! Are you okay?"

A blonde woman with her hair pulled back into four spiky ponytails and a giant fan on her back bursts into the room. Oh, so Temari was the one guarding me? And is it at all odd that it doesn't bother me in the slightest?

There's something pinned to Kuno's clothing. A note. I snatch it and roll back onto the bed while the kunoichi runs around to check on the damage.

_If you want your friend back, come to the city gates alone._

That's all the note says. Great, so Lloyd went and got himself kidnapped by my insane ex-fiancée. Fun. And I have to go alone or they'll kill him. Lovely. If my life were some sort of story, I'd swear the writer was running out of ideas or something because, hello, cliché anybody?

My hand crumples up the paper while my free one reaches out for the satchel. I reach into it and pull out the first thing I feel. And it's the jar of Lindblum pickles. What am I supposed to do with this?

"Prince Richard…" Whatever Temari was going to say is interrupted because I smash the pickles in her face. And she falls to the floor unconscious. Something tells me it was more the contents than the impact that did her in. Now how the heck do I get out of here?

As if the devil below were listening tot my thoughts, my opportunity presents itself.

"So, I take it you got my sister's message?"

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A/N: Please forgive me, but this chapter was very difficult to write. And writer's block is not easily conquered. That's why this chappy is so bad. That, and I wanted one that wouldn't have an overbearing emo moment.


	35. Thank You, Mr Timeskip

Chapter Thirty-Five: Thank You, Mr. Time-Skip

A/N: Hey, I'm looking for something, and maybe you guys can help me find it. It's called the FFIX plot. It's been, wow, ten chapters or so since it's been seen. Is that at all odd considering this is "technically" a self-insertion fic and the main cast of the videogame it's based on is hardly seen anymore? Let me ponder that point while you read…

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For as long as I live, the image of Rei practically molesting her own sister will forever be emblazoned in my mind. I'm starting to think that there might be more than sibling love there. On Rei's part at least. Kodachi just seems to completely ignore her sister's existence altogether. The lucky psychopath…

Oh, right, you might be more interested in the events that led to me sitting around a campfire with four other people in the middle of the desert on the Forgotten Continent than the possibility that everyone's favourite blue-haired nymphomaniac is in love with her own sister. Well, let me just tell you that this is not a vacation. I'm being forced to go along with these nutcases.

I'm sure you remember that Lloyd was kidnapped last week by Kodachi. What you might not know is that that creepy General Chal guy is in the picture as well. It seems that somehow or other Kodachi was fed the information that there's a village in this land where you can force people into marriage against their will. To that I say, "Curse you, Dwarves!"

Not that I say that aloud, what with Lloyd and all.

Anyway, getting back on track, somehow or other my deranged ex-fiancée convinced Chal to help her in her scheme to drag me out into the middle of nowhere and force me into unwanted nuptials. Rei helped as well. When I asked her, she just said that she wanted her sister to be happy, and then she resumed attempting to rip Lloyd's pants off. It does make me proud to say that he still has them on. Sure, they look like chaps, but it's the thought that counts.

The most curious thing about all of this insanity isn't the fact that Kodachi is so obsessed with me that she'd go to this great of lengths, because I am quite a catch. No, it's that Lloyd insisted on coming along even after he was released by his captors. Kodachi was dead set against it, but Rei convinced Chal to let him come long.

And we did not come to this continent via the path in the marsh. Thankfully, Kodachi thought to use her family's private yacht instead. With a two man crew guiding it, we made our way out across the great expanse of blue. Chal steered while Rei did all of the other stuff. Kodachi stared at her reflection in a hand mirror and practised throwing imaginary bouquets while Lloyd and I commiserated. There wasn't much else we could do, seeing as how we were chained up inside the cabin. We were even forced to share a bunk because there were four of them and Kodachi insisted that it was inappropriate for a man and a woman not yet married to share a bed. Thank whatever for small miracles. Yeah, it's perfectly fine to kidnap people and haul them across the globe in chains, but sharing a bed with them? Never!

Always remember to count your blessings, children.

But that's the story of how I came to be here. Oh, and still chained to Lloyd because Rei thought it was kinky.

Now where was I? Oh, right, Rei molesting Kodachi. About that, it's technically not molestation in the sense that I grew up with on Earth. This I more like just touching the lunatic every chance she gets. In addition to that, there's all of the worship going on, which I completely do not understand.

Have I mentioned it's been a week since this voyage to the Forgotten Continent began? Or is this the Lost Continent? And what's the name of the one with the church? Stupid trivialities. What is important is that I'm wearing the same outfit that I had on when I arrived at Ascantha! Seriously, prior to the whole Gaia thing, I couldn't stand to wear the same outfit twice in one week, let alone for the span of an entire week. There's also the lack of bathing on top of that. Lloyd and Chal are probably used to it, what with both having to travel and camp out a lot, but the rest of us not so much. At least Rei has managed to cope with it by declaring that she loves to "get dirty." Although I don't like that she looks at Lloyd when she says that.

"…" Chal's silence is deafening in all of this. I swear, for being some powerful General or whatnot, he sure is moody. He looks at Rei before finally speaking. "So, this is the land your father hails from…"

She doesn't answer him. Instead, the psychopath looks to her sister. What else is new?

"I didn't know your family came from this continent," I tell Kodachi. She then throws a rock at my head.

"Oh, Richard, how could you say such an awful thing to your beloved bride?" she screams in a very shriek-y voice. Then she throws herself to the ground and proceeds to cover her mouth and sob.

I just look to Chal in confusion.

"Were you really that sheltered up there in that castle, Your Highness?" he inquires, emphasizing the last two words with distaste. "Everyone knows of the shame of the Kuno family."

The what? I thought shame was something normal people felt. Are the Kunos even capable of such a thing?

"It's okay, Big Sister!" Rei cries out as she kneels next to Kodachi. However, in a surprising turn of events, the psychopath in black strikes the psychopath in blue across the temple with a baton.

"You are no sister of mine, you BASTARD!" Kodachi screams before elbowing Rei in the neck. The younger member of the Kuno clan flies about ten feet before landing in the sand at my feet. Lloyd helps her up. She clings to him, but I notice that for once she isn't groping him. In fact, Rei looks about ready to cry.

"What is going on?" Lloyd shouts angrily as he comfortingly wraps his arms around Rei's shaking form. The MCoDs flicker at this. "Why would you hit your sister? You two share the same blood!"

Then Kodachi goes into evil laugh mode. I really hate evil laugh mode. "Blood? It is true we have the same blood, Stupid-Person-I-Don't-Know, but the blood we share is only through our mother. This bastard child is a Kuno in name only."

"Huh?" Okay, I jut felt the need to make some sort of noise because this is really confusing. So Rei isn't really a member of the Kuno family? But she acts just like them.

"Father and Tatewaki may have forgiven Mother and accepted this abomination, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. She is a living reminder of my mother's infidelity."

"Your mother had good hearing? What does that have to do with this?" I ask. Lloyd just looks more ticked with each word that is said.

"She means her mother was unfaithful," Chal explains with a roll of his eyes. "Fifteen years ago, there was a young man who traveled into Ascantha. He possessed blue hair, pale skin, and an almost unnatural beauty. I assume that the Lady Kuno was taken with his good looks and gave into the throws of passion because nine months later she bore a baby girl with blue hair, despite no member of the Kuno family ever having such a hair colour."

"So you're mad at Rei because your mom is a whore?" Lloyd yells at a stunned Kodachi. "It's not her fault, you idiot!"

Then Lloyd finds himself flying through the air. Being chained to him, I go as well. Isn't this fun?

"Don't talk about her like that! My Kodachi is too good to ever love a nothing like me!" Rei shrieks as tears pour down her cheeks. Her blue hair is stuck to the corners of her mouth and she's holding herself with her arms as though she were cold. "I don't deserve to be loved by someone as wonderful as her!"

"Obviously," Kodachi agrees with a nod of her head before snapping a ribbon at Lloyd, hitting him in the shoulder. He winces, and I see that beneath the torn red fabric is a fresh cut. One would presume it's from Kodachi's ribbon. "And nobody talks to me like that, you common piece of filth. I should have never allowed you, or these other useless fools, to accompany on my honeymoon."

"We're not married yet, and never will be you nutcase!" I scream at Kodachi. This time Chal decides someone needs to be hit and promptly introduces my chin to the toe of his boots. My head snaps back and I taste copper as I bite my tongue. I spit blood onto the sand while trying to get my eyes to adjust.

"Leave Rick alone!" Lloyd yells as he throws a punch at Chal. (His swords were left behind in Ascantha, remember?) Unfortunately, the fist he uses is the one that has his shackle on it, which in turn is chained the shackle on my arm, so my hand gets jerked forward as well and cuts some of the power from Lloyd's blow. This means that Chal is now even angrier than before and not at all injured. Stupid Lloyd.

"First you insult Lady Kodachi, and now your friend dares to strike at me?" Chal says in a deadly tone as he backhands Lloyd nonchalantly with his left hand and grabs the front of my dirty shirt. Suddenly his face is right in mine. "I should have just killed you back at that stupid school."

Then a giant fireball hits Chal from the side. I look to see Rei holding her hands in front of her. Her eyes are glued to Kodachi rather than me, though. What is wrong with this girl?

"You would attack me?" Chal utters in astonishment as he stands up. Then, faster than me during a sale at Macy's, he is behind Rei, holding her hands behind her back with one hand and a knife to her neck in the other. "You forget who holds all the cards, child."

Blood trickles down Rei's neck. I scream for Chal to stop. It's not that I like the girl or anything, but I'm tired of people dying. This was supposed to stop when I went back to Ascantha. Naruto was supposed to be the last one to die because of me! There weren't going to be anymore people to lose their lives because of my selfishness or stupidity. Raijin, Michael, Sasuke, Naruto, all of the students at Shikon Academy, they should still be alive!

I find myself running across the desert expanse with the MCoDs out in full force. Then a large sword stops me in my tracks as it cuts into the sand between Chal and me.

My father, in his uber-sexy getup from the first Kingdom Hearts game, cape and all, lands behind his sword. He puts a hand on my shoulder and pushed me back before drawing the sword from the ground. Is it wrong that I want to drag him off to a nearby forest and let him have his way with me just because he looks really good? I mean, yeah, he's my father, but he's also one of the sexiest men in all of videogames, or something. And it's not like I actually grew up thinking of him as my father. It's only been in the last few months that I've come to think of the sexy emo (well, he's not terribly emo in this reality, anyway) as a father figure. But come on, you'd have sex with him if he were your father, wouldn't you?

And now I'm starting to act like Rei. Just shoot me now. Stupid horniness.

"So, you masterminded this?" my sexy daddy says to Chal. The general just tightens his grip on a frightened Rei. "I should have known you would betray me. You always were far too ambitious."

"I would make a better king than that pathetic waste of space." The purple-haired man then looks directly at me. I actually step back behind my dad a little bit in fear. Then Lloyd's hand finds itself on my shoulder. "And unlike your worthless son, I actually would make Kodachi Kuno my Queen."

"You would?" Kodachi cries happily from the sidelines. "You would overthrow a monarchy and make me your queen over an oppressed kingdom?"

"Yeah?" Chal doesn't seem too sure of just how to answer that.

"Then we just have to kill the current king and queen, no?" she muses before lifting a black rose into the air. With a flick of her wrist, a storm of petals fills the air. I fall to the ground with Lloyd on top of me, unable to see anything because he covers my body protectively with his own.

"Get off!" I shout as I struggle to get the son of Kratos off me. Managing to lift my head, I see my father struggling against a black ribbon Kodachi has around his neck. Throwing Rei to the side, Chal launched his knife at Cloud. It hits him in the arm wielding the Buster Sword. My dad's weapon throws up sand as it connects with the ground.

Kodachi then hits my father in the stomach with a tightly thrown baton. While he's doubled over, Chal grabs a hold of him from behind. He holds Cloud's right shoulder with his left hand, and the left side of my dad's chin with his right. Then a crack fills the air before the king of Ascantha hits the sand lifelessly.

"A decade of peace made you weak and pathetic," Chal comments before spitting on my father's still-warm corpse.

Crying out, I turn away and wipe at the moisture leaking from my eyes. This can't have happened. No! First my mother, and now… I'm going to be sick…

"Rick, when I say go, we're going to run, got it?" Lloyd whispers in my ear as he climbs off me.

I hiccup a response.

Chal looks at Kodachi lovingly. "My dear, perhaps we should finish off the royal bloodline before returning to our kingdom."

What?

"Indeed, my Darling Chal. I no longer have any use for this fool."

"I thought you loved me," I wheeze at Kodachi as I sit up. "I thought you wanted to be my wife!"

"I said 'QUEEN'!" she laughs before launching a baton at my head. I raise my arms over my face protectively. The weapon hits my shackle, shattering the metal as well as the bones in my wrist. This causes me to cry out in pain as I fall to the ground once more.

"Rick, get out of here!" Lloyd screams as he grabs the knife from my father's dead body, clearly deciding the buster sword to be too unwieldy.

Nursing my broken wrist, I slowly stand up and watch as Lloyd swipes at Kodachi, only to be kicked in the ribs by Chal. Then my ex-fiancée hits the swordsman in the cheek with a baton. Lloyd crashes into Chal, who rips the knife from Lloyd's grip and uses it to stab the saviour of Sylvarant in the thigh. The general then pulls it out and cuts a line across his chest before throwing him to the ground, kicking him as he lays there bloody and beaten.

"That was dull," Chal comments dryly. Then he throws the knife at me. Too stunned to move, I don't notice the weapon coming at me until I feel the pain blossom across my abdomen. Dumbly, I look down and see the knife sticking out of my stomach. There seems to be a large amount of blood seeping from the wound.

"Stop it!" Rei screams before a lightning bolt bigger than any I've ever seen before envelops her sister and the general.

---

When I wake up, the first thing to go through my mind is where I am. Then I try to sit up and am reminded by the pain blossoming throughout my body that I was recently stabbed in the stomach. I see that Lloyd is lying in the bed next to mine with his shirt off and a large portion of his chest wrapped in bandages and gauze.

After I tear my eyes away from him, I remember that Chal and Kodachi beat the crap out of him while he stupidly tried to buy me time to escape. Do I really deserve someone like him as a friend? Especially after I get my own father killed?

"How're you doing?"

I turn and see Rei standing in a doorway. She looks tired. Considering she probably just killed the person she loves most in this world, I can't blame her.

"What happened?" I ask before lying back down. Things started to get a little woozy, you see.

"You passed out. Lloyd tried to help me carry you. He collapsed about an hour after you did."

"What about Chal and your sister?"

"…" she doesn't me right away. When she does speak, it's something I never expected to hear from her. "I'm sorry. She is just so full of rage against me. I tried to get her to love, I really did, but she just continued to act like I don't exist!"

Unsure of what to say, I just continue to stay at the ceiling.

"They got away, Rick. I just stood there and watched them leave with what looked like a teleport gem. I didn't even try to stop them. She's…"

"It's okay," I tell the young girl as she sits on the edge of my bed and buries her face in her hands. Try as I might, my eyes refuse to focus on anything except her shaking shoulders. I want to comfort Rei, really, but her sister killed my father. Lloyd and I almost died as well. Because of her psychotic family, dozens, maybe even hundreds of students at Shikon Academy are dead.

"You hate me, don't you?" Rei inquires as she looks at me. "When you look at me, you see my sister. I can tell."

Shaking my head, I sigh. But I also refuse to say anything. Mostly, I remain quiet because I don't know if I can answer that question honestly. There have certainly been moments in which I really disliked her, and I'm not too happy that she let Kodachi and Chal go, but who am I to judge her? It's because of me that we even got in the situation.

"Where are we?" I ask her.

"…I don't know. This place was sitting on the coastline. I'm pretty sure it's been abandoned for awhile. Aside from the fact that it's in ruins and everything has at least an inch of dust on it, there hasn't been a single sign of life other than your snoring."

"Rick does not snore." Seriously, who does she think she is, talking to me like that?

"Yeah, you do. You also get all broody whenever Zidane is brought up. So he thinks you're evil and that your friendship was based on lies, big deal. At least you still have Lloyd. Although I will never understand what all of these guys see in you. Honestly."

What is she talking about? How do I "still have Lloyd?" Sure, Rei has no idea that he's only here because I ripped a whole in space time to get away from an angry, drunken Scottish woman. As far as she knows, he's just the cute guy following me around because I'm just that awesome.

"Rei, there is nothing going on between me and Lloyd."

"I never said there was," the girl counters. Then she looks at the shirtless swordsman. "Good to hear that, though. At least I won't have competition with this one."

Hold on a minute. "Who are you competing with? And what make you think I'm going to let you have Lloyd? He may be a dumb jock with a bit of a temper, but he is MINE! Not yours. You can go back to dreaming about mud-wrestling with Dagger or whatever it is your perverted mind comes up with."

Geez, Rick, rant much?

"Please, mud-wrestling is so last decade. A real woman uses chocolate sauce these days. That way you can lick it off each other when you're done," she responds before getting a dazed look on her face. Then she literally begins to salivate after saying Dagger's name; err, rather, after using her alias. Rei hasn't really referred to the princess as Garnet.

Then she stands up and leaves, breathing heavily and rubbing herself in places I would rather not think about.

After a few minutes of trying (unsuccessfully) to erase the thought that Rei has just gone to "make happy" with herself, to paraphrase Mr. Alexander Harris, from my mind, Lloyd sits up, wincing and holding his ribs. And he is in much better shape than Zidane was back in Dali when he taught me how to take a bath (which is nothing like what it implies, unfortunately).

"Is she gone?" he asks while I just nod in panic. What all did he hear? Did I say anything stupid? Why do I care? "Rick, are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, my father's dead, the woman I was supposed to marry tried to kill me and you, Rei ended up saving our lives, and I have absolutely no idea of what the hell I'm going to do now. So everything is just peachy keen," I practically scream at him. Of course, I feel bad after it, because he doesn't deserve to be yelled at.

Still wincing, and still shirtless, Lloyd stands up and makes his way to my bed. He sits down beside me and puts a hand the small of my back. Then he lays his head on my shoulder. "I only pretended to be asleep while you and Rei were talking. I just didn't want her to involve me in her conversation because, well, you've met her…"

I want to ask him what the point of this is, but I don't because I'm very aware of his jaw moving against my shoulder blade as he speaks.

"Anyway, I heard you tell her 'he is mine.' What did you mean by that?" he asks while grazing my back with his fingernails, though not deep enough to hurt like the MCoDs would. All I can do is sit here. Lloyd is in love with me now, too? What is it about being on Gaia that makes me irresistible? Michael, Angelo, Kodachi (no, wait, she just wanted me so that she could be Queen…) and now Lloyd. What's next? Is Steiner going to try to get into my pants?

Ugh. Wrong train of thought, Rick.

"I can't deal with this right now," I tell Lloyd as I attempt to scoot away from his warm touch. Of course, scooting is rather difficult and painful when dealing with a stab wound. Ow."

"Deal with what?" he inquires while taking note that I'm shrinking away from his touch and pulling the thin blanket I woke under around myself to replace the loss of his body heat.

"Don't play stupid," I tell Lloyd despite the likelihood that he isn't playing. "I know you're in love with me, or something of that nature. But can we just not go through this today? Things are too raw right now, literally and figuratively."

Then he gets that cute, bewildered look on his face. He leans forward and holds his face right up to mine. "I'm in love with you?"

He honestly didn't know? Please, while it did take a while for me to realize how I felt about Zidane, it didn't come as a complete surprise. Besides, I'm a better cat… "Felt?"

"Huh?" Lloyd looks confused after I blurt out the word that had been in my thoughts. Felt is past tense, but aren't I still in love with Zidane?

My father just died trying to save my life and I'm trying to decide who I'm in love with. Aren't I just the best son in the world?

Lloyd puts a hand on my leg. Well, it's more my thigh, but let's not split hairs. He runs his other hand through his hair and smiles. How those spikes don't flatten is beyond me.

"Well, I always figured that I would end up with Colette, as opposed to some spoiled little kid, but beggars can't be choosers, I guess." He actually blushes a little and looks down at the hand on my thigh. He pulls it away as soon as he realizes where it is.

"Forgive me for not being a blonde klutz."

"Nah, a brunet klutz is good enough for me." Lloyd sticks his tongue out.

I don't know whether to laugh or hit him. What's even worse is I don't know whether he means it or not.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Ugh. I hated writing this chapter. Not because Cloud died or everyone else nearly got off-ed. No, the fact that it's not as well written as it could have been comes to mind. As does the crappiness of the ending. Blech. I had so hoped that scene would go over better. I seriously think I lost my talent when I ended R&R.

On the bright side, I now have all five of the major videogame platforms (DS, PSP, Wii, Xbox 360, and PS3), plus we just got broadband internet (No more dial-up! YAY!) And to those wondering, the 360 has the better games right now (well, in terms of RPGs, it's tied with the PS3 in other genres) but during the interval between uploading this chapter and the last one I got the Red Rings of Death and had to send the 360 off to be fixed, which was a fun experience.


	36. This Is Where The Title Goes

Chapter 36: This Is Where The Title Goes!

A/N: My god, this chapter is definitely a tribute to my laziness! I've put it off for so long… Forgive me?

TCBT

"I said I don't want to play with you!" Lloyd screams as he runs by my open door. Not at all surprised, I see Rei chasing after him.

"If you don't want to be the pitcher, you can always be the catcher! I have all kinds of toys!" the girl shouts. I so hope that she's talking about baseball. Not that I blame Lloyd for running away regardless.

Finding out that her sister is crazy and evil didn't really change Rei's opinion of Kodachi too much. She's still in love with her sister. Well, that's my opinion. Rei definitely holds Kodachi in an undeservedly favourable light. Come on, the Black Rose smacked all three of us around (as did her new, equally crazy boyfriend). Why does Rei continue to be huffy and defend Kodachi whenever I reference her inability to be sane?

Whatever. Psychotic ex-fiancées aside, the last few days have been rather interesting. Did you know that we're staying in an abandoned lighthouse? It's not the one from FFVIII, though. Out of curiousness, I had Lloyd check out the surroundings. There's no orphanage at all. He did say that he thought he saw some sort of large mountain or something off in the horizon, which is kind of surprising when you consider that I had to deal with mostly flat terrain while we were still traveling with Chal and Kodachi. (It also brings about the question of where they would have gone after Rei blew everything up with her lightning bolt.)

The mountain Lloyd mentioned does pique my attention, though, because it's possible that it is one of the mountains beyond Conde Petie. Or whatever the town with all the dwarves is called. But I'm pretty sure that's it. I'm also pretty sure that the likelihood of that town being what I remember from the game is rather slim. For all I know, that could be the place they say Rei's father is from. It's also possible that he's from Madain Sari, but Rei hasn't mentioned anything about being able to use summon magic. However, it is also true that we don't know how her Blue Magic works. I haven't seen her learn a single new skill. I doubt her learning mechanic is like Quina's in which she has to eat her opponent (nor would I voice this as an option if I should ever ask her about it, lest she answer. Why that is a bad thing should be evident). I suppose it could be similar to Gau's Rage abilities from FFVI in which she jumps her opponents (again, not asking her), but most likely it is going to be either Strago's or Quistis's. She could also take after that Ronso thing from FFX, Khimari, but I doubt it.

Forgetting about Rei for the moment, my conversation with Lloyd upon waking up in the lighthouse was kind of unsettling. I mean, I don't recall Lloyd being the type to joke about romance. He's actually more likely to get awkward where it's concerned. I really did think he and Colette were a couple. It's not like they hooked up in the game or anything, and I hope to Hyne they don't in the sequel. (A/N: Yes, I may buy the sequel. I'm going to see how it plays and read some reviews about it first, though.) Besides, I'm starting to think he was serious, despite the fact that I'm the one who said that he was in love with me. Geez, Rick, arrogant much? Sure, your biological father was just murdered and you were stabbed in the stomach, but that doesn't mean all the guys are lining up to be with you. As it stands, the only ones who really had in any interest in you were Michael and Angelo. Now one is dead and the other one probably hates your guts. Jessica sure does.

Stop it. You are not throwing yourself a pity party, Rick. You've been doing enough of that over the last few weeks: especially since Sylvarant. If it weren't for getting to be with Lloyd, I'd wish I hadn't gone to Sylvarant. Life was so much simpler before that. My mother wasn't an evil Disney witch who took on the form of a man just to have sex with me and screw around with my head. (Not that I blame her. Sex with me is probably a wonderful thing.) Then there's also the whole fugitive thing, and Zidane hating me.

Didn't I just say no to the emo? Emo-Rick is not sexy Rick.

"She's not in here," I tell Lloyd after he finally manages to lose her and trudges back to stick his head in my doorway. "Just come in already."

He does and shuts the door, sending up a storm of dust. While it's true that this place is abandoned and thus perfect to recover from the beating that Lloyd and I took, it also means that it's filthy. Neither Rei nor Lloyd is capable of cleaning up, and I guess there really isn't much point considering we won't stay here longer than we have to.

"So, how are you?" the swordsman asks nervously as he sits on his bed. We are still sharing a room, mind you.

"Same as I was this morning," I shrug, staring at my wrist. I do remember Kodachi breaking it when she tried to kill me with a baton. However, it feels just fine now whilst the hole in my stomach is taking its sweet time to heal. Lloyd told me Rei gave me some sort of liquid, I'm assuming a potion, and that it slowed down my bleeding some. Why it would only slow my bleeding down (and presumably heal my wrist) instead of fixing me up like potions had before?

Unless this is a result of that whole "potions become less effective thing" I was told about a few months back. Who was it that told me that?

"Right." Lloyd chuckles and runs his hand through his hair. Why mine is almost as filthy as Madonna's crotch in the 1980's and his seems to be as spiky as ever is probably something I'll never be able to figure out.

"Come here," I sigh as I motion with a finger for him to approach. Raising an eyebrow, Lloyd sits beside me. Then I lean over, biting back a sob from the pain in my gut, and plant an awkward kiss on the tip of his nose.

Probably not the big romantic gesture that everyone was expecting, but I'm sick as hell of playing all these games. I wasted months chasing after Zidane and playing around with Michael and Angelo's feelings. So if Lloyd isn't interested he can just punch me, and go get raped by Rei or whatever. All of this pussyfooting around is an unnecessary stress-inducement anyway.

Both of Lloyd's eyebrows go up and he kind of scoots back. There's a very thin line where his lips should be. His eyes have doubled in size, though.

"So, tell me, how was that for a first kiss?" I laugh bitterly. His reaction clearly shows that he wasn't in the same place as me after all. So I have a thing for yet another straight guy. Figures.

He actually chuckles then. I repeat, I make a fool of myself, Lloyd freaks out, and then he laughs. Boy, aren't I glad I didn't just repress this and get an ulcer?

"Hate to disappoint you, but you weren't my first kiss."

"Colette?" I ask with an eyeroll. Who else would it be? Genis? Raine?

"Um, actually, Colette once tripped and fell into my friend Kaoru, and he…"

THAT WHACK JOB WHO HIT ME WITH A FAN? THE GUY THAT CRAZY SCOTTISH WOMAN WAS OBSESSED WITH? HE KISSED LLOYD BEFORE I DID?

Rick, regain your composure. You are not a drama queen.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I groan. Then he puts a hand on my shoulder tentatively and, in a very non-Lloyd manor, presses his lips against my cheek. I think "bwah?" covers it nicely.

"Uh…" Lloyd then rubs the back of his head and grins sheepishly.

To reply, I grab him by the red collar of his hideous shirt and practically jump on him. Leave me alone. The last time I made out with someone, it was with my mother. Or something along those lines. It's so hard, keeping track of the people that want to have sex with me.

After I finally pull my tongue out of Lloyd's mouth, the adrenaline fades and there's a throbbing pain coming from my stab wound. I guess snogging the brains out of mentally deficient swordsmen is still a no-no. Bending over, I cradle my stomach with one hand.

"You okay?" Lloyd inquires stupidly. Um, I'm bent over in pain. Does it look like I'm okay?

With his hand on the small of my back, the guy I just practically mouth-raped tries to comfort me. Lovely.

"Do you mind?" I ask.

"Uh… mind what?"

Before I can clarify, though, there's an explosion. Not a big one, but my first thought is that Chal and Kodachi found us. They are the latest in my assortment of crazy stalkers. Stupid Maleficent. Lloyd runs out of the room, completely unarmed, calling out Rei's name. A twinge of jealousy passes over me. I'm sure it's just that he's afraid she might be in trouble, and the fact that I put the make on him has absolutely nothing to do with it. Even if that was an oddly placed explosion. Heck, Rei could've been spying on us and blown something up because I got to Lloyd before she could.

What can I say? I guess I'm just more of a sexpot than she is. Well, that and the fact that I am both sane and humble.

Groaning, I hold my stomach and shuffle out of the room I haven't left since regaining consciousness. This really hurts, and the last thing I need is to be caught by my psychotic ex-fiancèe. Why did I have to leave my satchel in Lindblum? I was _so_ worried about Lloyd's safety that I left it back in my room with an unconscious Temari. Of course, I had to practically drag Rei away from the potential rape victim. No, literally, I had to drag Rei out of the room. Keep in mind that Rick is not as strong as he looks.

As I make my way through the lighthouse, I stumble into one particular room that will probably haunt me. (Besides, since when are lighthouses big enough to confuse someone as intelligent as myself anyway?) There is a length of rope hanging from one of the ceiling rafters that looks like it was cut recently, as there are footprints disturbing the dust underneath it and another piece of the rope shaped like a noose has been thrown against a wall. There's a tipped over chair nearby. For a moment, I wonder if Lloyd or Rei had tried to kill themselves while I was asleep at one point. Then I look at the rest of the room and notice that it is filled with paintings and drawings. Some are of goat-children, there's 

a girl with blue skin, and I notice a half-finished portrait of a porcine person. Upon closer inspection, I notice a broken staff of some sort near the chair.

Blocking out the image of an undercover reporter swinging from the ceiling, I try to tell myself that she would never… I played that game and the woman was never that hopeless. It had to've been someone else.

Another explosion rocks me out of my thoughts. Closing my eyes and turning out of the room, I grapple witth the realization that this definitely _wasn't_ where Squall and company spent their childhood. This was the refuge of a whole other assortment of orphans.

Eventually, I make my way out of the lighthouse and see what all of the commotion is about. And I'm pretty sure it isn't the return of Kodachi and Chal.

Rei is throwing what I would guess to be mid-level ice spells at a lithe figure in a dark green outfit. Lloyd attempts to tackle the person from behind, only to find himself the recipient of a heel to his temple. Then he is grabbed and thrown into Rei with very little effort.

Gee, if only I knew someone who fought like that… Sarcasm my children, you should know this by now. The green threw me off a little bit, but the pale skin and grey hair are pretty big clues, if I were to somehow overlook the eye patch.

"Fujin?" I call out. When she looks at me, my suspicions are confirmed. Then she slams an elbow into Rei's face as the teenager attempts a surprise attack.

"RICK!" she states in her usual crass manner.

"Um, yeah?" I say with an awkward attempt at being casual. I haven't seen her since the day Raijin was killed, when I fled Alexandria with Dagger, Zidane, and Vivi. To be honest, the last time I saw her, things were just starting to not be normal anymore.

Lloyd stops mid-punch and stares at me. "You know him?" I sigh at the clueless look on his face. Then said face crumples under Fujin's fist.

"GIRL." She states emphatically.

"Knock it off, you guys," I tell my two comrades when they attempt to stand up. "She's a friend of mine." Violent and insane, yes, but a friend nonetheless. It seems a lot of my friends on Gaia are insane and violent. On Earth, people were a lot simpler. There weren't any evil megalomaniacs. Well, there was Hitler and Stalin. And Raquel Malone. But I digress.

Rei cradles her right arm slightly and pouts. Is she disappointed that I'm not letting Fujin beat the crap out of her? "Who is this guy, Rick?"

After watching a sizable rock collide with Rei's forehead, I tell Lloyd and Rei that Fujin was just someone I traveled with a few weeks ago. No need to let them know that she's a drifter from yet another world and that she watched this world's representation of her only friends kill each other. Well, Seifer killed Raijin, but whatever.

Man, did I really just say that? When did Rick become such a heartless bastard?

"Hey, guys, can I talk to Fujin alone?" I ask after a few minutes of everyone just standing around looking at each other stupidly. (Well, Rei went between giving Fujin dirty looks, and then giving Lloyd a completely different kind of dirty look. But no one should be surprised by that, really.)

"Are you sure?" Lloyd asks quietly, regarding Fujin as though she were some sort of threat. I mean, come on, just because she beat you up doesn't mean I have to worry, Lloyd. People love me. I'm that awesome.

"Yeah, it'll be fine," I tell him with a wave of my hand. "Get out of here, guys."

Begrudgingly, Lloyd leaves. Rei is out of there the first chance she gets. A few seconds after they go back into the lighthouse, I hear something crash. And I'm quite sure in my not wanting to know who did it or what it was. The possibilities aren't good at all. But the most likely scenario is Rei taking her chance at raping Lloyd before I can.

...Not that I've considered raping him or anything...

"Hey, Fujin, do you want the good news or the bad news?"

TCBT

My jaw still hurts, as does my stomach. Stab wounds and all. Ah, but why does Rick have a sore jaw? No, it's not Lloyd-related, you perverts. It's actually because of Fujin. Unlike my dealings with Hermione, this time around I told Fujin everything. Well, _almost_ everything. There's no need to let her know that, in addition to being the great evil that ruined our lives, Maleficent is also the person I lost my virginity to. Unless you count Angelo, is. I don't know.

Anyway... Fujin punched me. Not because I was hiding things from her, and not because I had lied to her. Nope. She punched me because I asked her about Celes. Seriously. It's not like I asked what their past was. I just inquired as to whether the general was okay (in addition to Steiner and Freya). She did show up without anyone else, after all. I still don't know if they're alive or not. I'm going to assume they are, though. What with them being alright in the game.

I do know why Fujin is here, though. She explained, as best she could in her shouting one-word way, that she was hired by Tifa to track down my father. Apparently, I'm not the only one who took off in the middle of the night. Stupid Lloyd. He just had to go and get kidnapped. Now Cloud is dead and Kodachi has it in her head that I need to die, too. Isn't life wonderful?

"How much farther is it?" I whine loudly. Yeah, I'm whining. You would too if you had to walk across a pseudo-desert with a not-yet-healed stab wound. Stupid Fujin. So what if we didn't have any real food? There was a bed at the place. And I didn't have to watch Lloyd give someone else a piggy-back ride.

Yup. Rei is currently straddling the back of the guy I snogged this morning. And Lloyd is also sporting a black eye. He saw Fujin punch me and ran out to defend me or something. Would anyone else be surprised to learn that he got his butt kicked?

"It's right in front of us, Stupid," Rei chortles as she points over Lloyd's shoulder; all I see is another frickin' mountain. Stupid mountains. Aren't there enough mountains in the world already? Why must they be in front of me?

"Does anyone even know if there's going to be anything there? And where exactly is 'there,' anyway?" I question. When no one answers me, I call for a break. But Rei quickly shuts me down. "If I'm not getting a break, then I'm getting a ride. Move, Rei."

"Screw you, I happen to be hurt," she retorts as she wraps her arms and legs tighter around Rei. Fujin stops and turns around, arms crossed and brows furrowed. "See if you can get the guy leading us to give you one."

"WOMAN!" Fujin screams as she points at herself.

"Sure, and Rick's had sex," Rei laughs.

"I'll have you know..." I start but then stop. Was I really just about to brag that I'd gotten it on with Maleficent? What the heck is wrong with me?

"Ooh, are you saying you actually got some? Was it with that Michael guy?" Rei inquires before answering her own question. "Nah, he looked like he had some class."

"Excuse me, but I happen to have quite the list of guys, thank you very much," I point out. "Just because I'm not a slut like some people here doesn't mean that I'm a total prude, either."

"Are you calling me a slut?" the blue-haired girl shouts as she jumps off Lloyd's back and strides over to me. So much for being hurt. Then she gets in my face and pushes me. "Who are you to talk, fawning all over Zidane?"

"You do the exact same thing with Dagger," I argue as I push her back. She stumbles on a rock and falls on her butt. HAH! "And I seem to recall that you'll throw yourself at any guy or girl that'll have you. Isn't that right, Lloyd?"

His eyes widen and he holds his hands up in front of him. "Hey now, don't drag me into this..."

"Please," Rei laughs as she stands back up and forms a fist. "Why would Lloyd side with you when I'm clearly so much better than _you_?"

"Um, because I've already gotten to first base with him? How about you?" I taunt the girl. Then she punches me in the face. No, really, my jaw hurts even worse. Punched twice in one day! Stupid insane women. And people wonder why I prefer the guys...

"You aren't so big now, are you?"

"I'm still bigger than your BREASTS!" I cry as I slap her in the face. Hey, this isn't the first time I've had to take down some uppity floozy. I seem to recall giving Hermione and Dagger both the smack down. While she stares at me stunned, I do the natural thing and grab a fistful of hair in either hand and wrench them away from her head. Screaming, Rei punches me again.

Falling on my back, she pounces on my chest and starts slugging me in the face. Now, if I weren't already used to this kind of treatment by the female citizenry of this planet, I might be worse off. However, Rick knows how to hold his own now. And after I've laid waste to Rei, Raquel Malone won't know what hit her...

"Ow! He bit me!" Rei screams as she holds her palm. I take the opportunity to drive my palm into the flat of her chest. Which is all of it, actually, since even an A cup would be too big for her. Heh, it's funny cause it's true. Anyway, the winded Rei doesn't know how to react when I push her off.

I then stand up and kick her in the side. In retaliation, a burst of flame hits me in the face.

"Aargh!" I scream in pain. I call cheats. Then a large icicle blows close enough by me to leave a bloody cut in my arm before crashing into a nearby boulder, shattering both weapon and environment. This psycho is trying to kill me!

I start running as various elements start raining down all around me. Then I feel something grab me by the stomach. I look down and see a pale hand, which is starting to turn red due to the blood from my reopened stab wound.

Fujin lands on the ground about ten feet from where she grabbed me. Then she readies her chakram and launches it at Rei, who is still lying on the ground. Luckily enough, I guess, Lloyd pulls the teenage girl out of the way before the circular blade cleaves her in half. Instead, chunks of dirt and stone are thrown into the air.

"Are you crazy?" Lloyd screams. The anger is directed at Fujin, though, as she effortlessly catches the weapon with her free hand, still supporting me with the other. "You could have killed her, you psychopath!"

"Hey," I yell at him, "she was trying to kill me! Why are you siding with her?"

He then claims that he isn't siding with anyone, which is such a lie. He's mad at me for trying to make out with him earlier. I knew he was straight. This is Zidane all over again. Seriously, the only people interested in me are dead and incredibly evil. Well, I suppose Angelo might be, but he probably hates me. Heck, he definitely hates me. I've run off and left him how many times?

She's right, I throw myself at any guy that comes along. Who am I to call her a slut? Even if she is one.

"GO," Fujin orders the rest of us angrily. She lets me go, and grabs me by the collar of my shirt. I am then dragged across the desert, until my brain kicks in and I can protest that I can walk on my own. Lloyd, meanwhile, walks with his arm draped over Rei's shoulders, consoling her. Why the heck he's comforting her instead of me I don't know. She struck first. She was the one attacking me with magic! Just because Fujin tried to stop her before I died...

Screw it.

"How much farther is it?" I ask once more as we start walking.

"SILENT!" Fujin demands as she gives me an angry, dirty look. Then she gives the same glares to Lloyd and Rei, daring them to speak. They wisely opt to be quiet.

TCBT

A/N: Well, I sincerely doubt that was worth the wait. Sorry about that, writer's block and all. But hey, Fujin is back, and you got some guy-on-guy action. Even if it was kind one-sided. Or was it? Pardon me while I go laugh evilly.


	37. Get Real

Chapter 37: Get Real

A/N: So I totally stole this chapter title. It is actually the name of a _very_ good, albeit slightly low-budget, British flick from the late 90's. I'm not going to tell you anymore about it, as my ringing endorsement should be good enough. XP Well, I'll let you know it's on Youtube. But that's all, I promise. ;D

Also, does anyone here like the darker storyline, or are you guys just suffering through it in hopes of a happy ending? What is your motivation for reading this piece of fiction? Curiousness, you know.

TCBT

"Open up!" I shout for the fifth time as I continue to pound on the big metal door thing. Everyone else is just kind of lounging around, waiting with disinterest to see if something will actually prompt said door to fly open and smack me in the face.

Rei is still kind of ticked at me, not that I care. And I'm definitely still mad at Lloyd. I mean, Fujin is the one who had to save me. Up until now, Lloyd was the one doing that stuff. He was my frickin' rock. Then I kiss him and all of a sudden he's Rei's best friend. Stupid men. Sometimes I just want to strangle him. Did taking him away from his friends and family change him for the worse or something? I mean, I haven't changed that much since I've come to Gaia.

Yeah, we're standing in front of a door that leads into some sort of metallic fort that has been built into the mountain. Which doesn't make sense, seeing as how the dwarves in FFIX didn't have doors to speak of, and were generally friendly. Then again, this could be someone other than the dwarves, but what is the likelihood of that. Actually, I guess it is pretty high. Considering this isn't really a videogame and all.

Sometimes I still find it hard to realize that this is all real. I grew up being taught that you shouldn't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see (unless it was Bible-related, but I should think my opinion on religion in general is old news by now). There weren't any great fantasies that were realistic. Everything was played up, so that people knew it was fake. These things just couldn't happen. Except they did. They happened to me. It happened to Fujin and Hermione.

It also happened to Lloyd, but he seems to have adapted better than I ever could. He was traveling between worlds before I met up with him, so this type of thing isn't particularly unusual to him. In fact, I haven't really heard him talk much about Sylvarant or Te'thealla unless I bring the subject up. Is it avoidance on his part? Is he trying to not deal with the reality of his situation?

And what of those people from Earth? Cami and Kaoru? How are they coping, I wonder. I mean, they're in worlds that aren't there own (although I suppose that since this _is_ my world things are slightly different), although they went there by choice. Reala did say that Kaoru wished to be with Lloyd and the others. So it presumable that Cami did the same thing. How many other people are there, though, out living in "fantasy" worlds, things constructed by higher beings for their own pleasure or whatever. Although, technically, I could point out that that is the same concept of many of the major religions on Earth and whatnot, but clearly that is pointless. I'm living in the world of Zidane and Freya, not Shinji and Asuka.

After screaming a couple of choice curses at the door that remains unopened, I walk past my little group. Fujin effectively ignores me, but Lloyd looks like he has something he wants to say. Rei just gives me a dirty look. Clearly she's still upset over the fight we had yesterday. I don't care. I never liked her, really.

Trudging along the dusty dirt path until I round a corner and am sure I'm out of their sight, I release a heavy sigh. And it's not a straight out sigh, either. Halfway through it finds itself punctuated by small sobs.

Rick is so not up for this whole thing. I don't know why I'm even doing it: traveling around the world and seeing the sights hasn't exactly been an adventure I'd want to remember, even if it's one I'll never be able to forget. Watching people die, even becoming covered in their blood, that's something that truly traumatizes a person. I still have nightmares of Seifer ripping his sword out of Raijin and laughing.

A few small stones fall off the mountainside as I stand at the edge of the path. It's not a straight shot down. If i were to jump, I'd hit all kinds of things before impacting the ground.

Where did that thought come from?

Good lord, I'm really scaring myself. But it does make some sick sort of sense. If I killed myself, Hermione wouldn't see any need to stay with Maleficent and might not, you know, start killing people. Not that I think Hermione would do that, but I also never thought I would being doing the things I've been doing. I tried to kill Dagger because she stole my satchel! I've been a pretty crappy person, before and after Gaia. My relationship with my parents on Earth was about my convenience only. And here... Well, my relationship with my parents here is about the same. I watched my father die. I cheated on Michael and refused to go to his funeral because _I_ didn't deserve to be there.

Why can't I ever move past these things? I swear, it's like I'm some kind of freaking masochist or something. And I really just want everything to stop. Maybe I should have stayed behind and let Maleficent make me a Heartless like King Mickey. It's not like I would have had to deal with any of this stuff that I do now. There would be no Kodachi, no Rei, no Lloyd. But would my life improve as a Heartless? Would I even have a life?

"What's up?"

I don't even bother turning around. Anyone with half a brain would know that it's Lloyd. He's the only of the four of us that gives a damn about anyone else. When did we all become so jaded and self-obsessed? Why is everyone so effed up that we can't think straight anymore?

I don't even have the energy to make such an obvious joke...

"Rick? Are you okay?"

There's no way to answer that question honestly. No, I am NOT okay. I'm probably the farthest thing from it. I spend hours upon hours over-analyzing my life, and I stay stuck on the same problems while the universe just adds more and more onto the pile. But unless Lloyd has this special mystical power to kill Maleficent, which apparently a Keyblade is unable to do, then there's no point in bothering with worrying him, is there?

There's a hand on my shoulder. Why does he care so much?

"Shouldn't you be with your girlfriend?" I scoff. The last thing Lloyd needs is for me to drag him down. I've done that with too many people. "I mean, you made it perfectly clear that you prefer her to me."

"What are you talking about?"

Shrugging odd his hand, I turn around and put an accusing finger in the middle of Lloyd's chest. "You sided with Rei! After she tried to kill me, you comforted her! You clearly don't care about me."

"Are you still on that?"

"Why wouldn't I be, Lloyd? I kiss you, and then you run off to be with Rei. That says loads," I hiss. I stare at my hands rather than his face. It's kind of odd to me how the MCoDs haven't been active at all lately. Usually when I'm annoyed like this, they go into a thirst for blood, but there's been... nothing. How they realized that they're essentially useless? Or has my subconscious finally realized that they're little more than an exercise in immaturity on my part? (A/N: It could also be that the author has lost all desire for using them as a comedic device. ;P)

"I didn't run off to be with Rei, she was being attacked by your friend!" he counters.

Seeing something twitch in the corner of my eye, I turn my head but don't see a thing. I would say it was my imagination, but whenever someone in a movie thinks that, they end up with a chainsaw in the face. And I would go check it out, but again, the movies say you get a chainsaw in the face.

"Rick, quit ignoring me, this is serious!" Lloyd says as he puts a hand on my shoulder. "We need to talk."

"No, we need to leave," I say. Even if it is just my instincts, I really don't like the image of a chainsaw in my face. At all. And with my luck, it'll be Edward from FFVI and _not_ Jason who does the chain-sawing.

I'm going to stop talking about chainsaws now.

Stepping around Lloyd, I start running back to the others. This is not something that I want to deal with. My personal life is messy enough without as-of-yet unknown monsters waiting to attack. I start to round the corner, Lloyd shouting for me to stop, when I trip and fall flat on my face. The thing is, I didn't trip on a rock. No, something grabbed me. And when I see what it is, I start screaming. I scream incredibly loud.

Yellow eyes stare at me as black claws use my leg as leverage to pull itself out of the ground. Please not now, whatever diety is out there listening to me that I may or may not have dissed in a fit of rage, send down an angel or a bolt of lightning to save me.

"Rick!" Lloyd screams as he attempts to kick the Heartless off me, only to fail miserably as his foot goes through it like it were made of water. "What in the name of Martel..."

Then more of them start to climb out of the dirt and stone, swarming around us. I continue to scream incoherently as the soulless creatures begin to tear at my legs, shredding the fabric of my pants with its claws that seem to be corporeal only when _it_ deems necessary. God, it hurts. And I can only listen as Lloyd too begins to scream as the monstrosities begin covering his body.

"What are you guys doing?" I hear Rei ask. "I swear, if someone is getting kinky without m..."

She stops in midsentence when she finally comes into view. Then a Heartless leaps at her. Holding up her hands, she fires off an ice spell and the Heartless vanishes. I forgot that they were vulnerable to magic. But that doesn't explain how Goofy was able to destroy them, since he had neither magic nor Keyblade. Unless his shield was blessed or something.

Focus Rick, you're being attacked by Heartless. That can only mean one of two things. Either Maleficent is here, or Organization XIII has decided to show up in Gaia as well. And I honestly don't know which one would be worse.

With careful precision, Rei begins to fire off controlled blasts of magic. Which would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that Rei is more used to just throwing magic around without a care, and it's taking a lot of her concentration. That, and they're showing up faster than she can deal with them.

Fujin joins the fray, letting her chakram fly, but it is as ineffective as I knew it would be. Soon enough, Rei is overwhelmed and the entire mountainside is blacker than midnight. The clouds, and indeed the entire sky itself, begin twisting and grower generally darker. As I struggle to breathe, Rei decides to let off with control and just begins blindly firing off blasts of fire and lightning.

"Don't worry children, they won't steal your hearts unless I tell them, too. Surely you know that, Richard," an eerily familiar voice echoes. Ladies and gentlemen, this isn't Maleficent I'm dealing with.

Hermione descends from the still twisting sky and lands right in front of me. She's back to her human form, and is possessing her wand once more. However, she's wearing robes so black that emo children would literally kill to get them. She holds her wand up and the Heartless stand down. Rei doesn't, though, and one of her lightning strikes hits the top of the mountain. Rock and boulders begin falling down at us until Hermione flicks her wrist and they just cease to be.

"Hermione!" Rei gasps in shock. "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since the day the Academy was attacked."

"Hmph, hello Rei," the witch answers before redirecting her attention at me, the boy lying on the ground at her feet because my legs are too cut up and pained for me to stand. "Since when do you spend all of your time with guys? I always had you pegged as the more womanly type."

I would tell her that Fujin is a woman, but I think the flying blade of death tells the story well enough.

With a yawn, Hermione blasts the chakram into tiny pieces. And when Fujin leaps into the air for a more direct attack, she lazily points her wand in the direction of the warrior.

"_Avada Kedavra_."

Green bursts from the tip of the wand and strikes Fujin in the centre of her chest. She goes slack immediately, but momentum carries her body forward until it lands about five feet from me.

Turning away, I fight the urge to vomit. Oh my god. Hermione just killed Fujin. I...

Unable to control my body, the meagre provisions of cacti that I'd eaten for breakfast spill out on Hermione's boots until I start dry-heaving. Tears pour down my face so heavily that I don't see her foot until it strikes me in the face.

"Fujin?" Rei kneels down and shakes the corpse of the green-clad warrior to no avail. "Hey, are you awake? Come on, wake up!

"Hermione! You killed him!" the girl with the blue hair screams as she looks up at the witch. "What are you doing?"

"Of course I killed him, it was the Killing Curse, after all," laughs the Brit.

This isn't happening. I tell myself that between sobs and heaves as my body continues to empty itself of fluids that I don't have. Blood dribbles down my chin from a gouge in my lip I acquired when Hermione kicked me.

"What do you want?" I sob as I painfully move a hand to mouth to try to suppress the bleeding.

"Do I have to want something? Can't I just come here and kill you for the heck of it?"

This isn't like Hermione at all. She's not cruel. She is abhorred by the thought of murder. And yet she's already managed to kill our most able fighter without batting an eye. What did those weeks alone with Maleficent do to her? Is this her way of getting revenge on me for not telling her about Fujin?

"Actually, there is something I should get while I'm here..." the girl mutters to herself. The Heartless move out of her way as she struts over to Fujin. I half expect the warrior to bound up and beat on Hermione, but instead she just lies there. Rei shrinks back when Hermione kneels down and pulls away the eye patch. She reaches inside and grabs the yellow orb that is Fujin's Sense Materia.

Fujin just lies there.

"Okay, you can have them," she says to her innumerable hordes as she holds the Materia up to her face. Then I feel yet another claw rip into my leg. Then my back. Suddenly, cuts and scratches begin appearing all over my body. Then one of the Heartless settles itself on my back and thrusts its hand into my body. But there isn't any pain. And when I realize why, I start screaming again out of panic.

"NO!" Rei screams as she vaporizes the Heartless on my back just seconds before I become one of them. She throws spels, each one more and more powerful, but it isn't even denting the forces. And one flies at Hermione, only to disappear with a casual flick of the wrist.

"Please, I was a genius before all of this," she gloats softly as Rei struggles to save Lloyd and me, as well as herself. "Do you think I hadn't planned on you being here?"

Then she taps the Materia with her wand. The light it emits begin to dull, flickering out like a candle. And then yellow colour begins to perverse itself to a solid black hue. And once the transformation is complete, Hermione lobs it at the blue-haired girl. It strikes Rei in the temple. After falling to the ground, black shadows start to rise from the corrupted material and wrap themselves around the struggling Blue Mage.

Meanwhile, my body is aching and bleeding everywhere and I haven't heard a peep from Lloyd.

"NO!" Rei screams again at the top of her voice when the shadows creep around her arms and begin feeding themselves into her fingertips. And as the darkness feeds itself into her body, Rei's magic is cut off. Her eyes double in size and sweat pops on her forehead as the Heartless start climbing on and stabbing at her. "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

"Yes," Hermione answers coldly. The she is thrown onto her butt as half of the mountain explodes. Surprised, she looks up to the sky. There is a great winged beast, a dragon with wings the colour of silver. And on its back stands a man wearing a thong. And even I believe no man should ever wear a thong in public.

"I don't recall giving you permission to do anything with my planet," the mysterious figure, whom I instantly recognize as Kuja, says to the maddened witch.

"We were wondering when you would show up," Hermione says with a dark smile as she picks herself up. "Even a simple vessel such as yourself is bound to have a heart ripe for the plucking. Forget these losers, my Heartless. Bring me his heart!"

Well, I'll give her this, Hermione definitely has the crazy villainess persona down pat.

With that, the unholy spawn leave me and Rei. I turn my head as best I can to see that Lloyd is still alive as well, although I can't vouch for his state of consciousness.

The Heartless begin melding together until they grow into one giant Heartless. The one from the first game whose name I don't know. Then the monster reaches out and plucks Kuja from his steed. With a laugh, the hand holding his blows up. The dragon sweeps up its master before he even fall five feet.

Holding his hand above his head, Kuja forms a giant fireball. Then he lets it loose, blowing off the entire left half of the beast. But it is instantly rebuilt as more and more Heartless file into this world. Indeed, it is black as far as they eye can see. The only visible light is that from Kuja's attacks.

"WORK!" Rei screams at her hands. The panic in her voice is actually wrenching at my heart. "Tachi! Help me! Big Sister! Mother! Father! Somebody help me! Please!" Then she devolves into a blubbering mess as she falls to the ground andsmacks the ground with her otherwise worthless hands.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening. We are not being picked off one by one by a frickin' Gryffindor prodigy. No, I'm dreaming again. Rei isn't breaking down; Lloyd isn't completely out of it. I'm not lying here, choking on dust and debris as Kuja and a giant Heartless trade blows. No. No. NO! Fujin is dead. Just like Michael, and Raijin, and all of those people at the academy.

"Stop!" I scream at Hermione. I don't care how pathetic I look. This madness... This isn't supposed to happen!

Ignoring me, Hermione points her wand at the tainted Materia. "_Accio_."

Grasping her treasure tightly, the witch turns back to the battle between Kuja and the giant Heartless. One would give the upper hand to the Genome or whatever the heck his "soulless" people are called, I can't really remember, except every attack he lands just ends up being negated by the renewal of the body part by more Heartless taking its place.

Out of nowhere, a giant yellow bird whose wings are outlined by flame sweeps into view and blasts both combatants. However, this attacks sets all of the brush on the mountain aflame.

Meanwhile, Hermione starts to laugh that stereotypical villain laugh. In fact, she doubles over in laughter. Righting herself after a few seconds, she looks back at me. "Well, it looks like your friends are here."

My friends? Is she talking about Zidane and Dagger? Because last I knew, Dagger didn't have any summons, and this definitely isn't Phoenix trading blows with Kuja and the Heartless. Actually, it looks more like Moltres. Yeah, Rick is pretty sure that there is a Pokèmon here. If he weren't already freaked out, he might be more worried.

"How dull," comments Hermione. She stuffs the Materia in her pocket. Then she points her wand at the ground and mutters something I can't hear over the raging three-way battle. Suddenly, several more of the Heartless begin entering the world. And these aren't the plain black ones that we'd been dealing with before. No, these Heartless are the one in armour that look like knights. "Go now, entertain me."

And they start charging. But not at me, or the others. They charge past us, in the direction of the fort. And soon the sounds of screaming dwarves fill the air. How do I know that it's the sound of dwarves? Well, there is a lot of cursing, and a few of them have a hint of a Scottish accent. I wonder if that insane woman from Sylvarant has a persona here that is being turned into a Heartless right now. Not that it matters. And I still have no clue why this is happening. It's just so random.

"Rawr!"

And now I'm hearing dogs. Wonderful. I'm going to get to see Lassie get cut down by Heartless.

Or not, seeing as how there's a giant orange and white beast galloping in our direction. I believe it is called Arcanine. Yeah, definitely getting a Pokèmon vibe. Here's to hoping that neither Ash nor Team Rocket shows up. Because I doubt I would feel too bad if they became Heartless.

What a wonderful thing to say. I'm just a great example of humanity.

"Hermione? Is that you?" a boy yells from the back of the beast. He jumps off, arching through the air, and lands beside the witch. His blond hair and the whisker-esque marks on his cheeks are immediately identifiable. "You've got to get out of here! It's really dangerous."

Thank you Captain Obvious.

Hermione apparently agrees with him enough to blast the ninja into the wall. Then the Arcanine rears up onto its hind legs, throwing its head back. When it comes back down, it launches a volley of fire in Hermione's direction. It has about the same effect as Rei's attacks. Some of the Heartless are destroyed, but their mistress remains untouched.

Holding her wand in her right hand, Hermione pulls it back until it's at her right side, and then thrusts it up. A large red ball of magic or energy or whatever strikes the Arcanine, who disappears in a puff of smoke. And four more people fall to the ground. I recognize all of them instantly, as they're the only ones who are _supposed_ to be on this continent.

Right, this isn't really a videogame. When will I retain this as fact?

Anyway, Zidane is the first one on his feet, holding a pair of daggers in front of his body defensively. I watch as the newly minted, and upgraded Heartless start approaching the foursome. Of course, I'm not at all surprised to see Dagger and Eiko both there as well, with those weird racket thing that throw wind magic or whatever. And Quina is currently trying to eat one of the Heartless with little success.

"What the heck is going on?" Zidane asks Hermione, clearly not noticing three injured parties and the corpse amongst the mass-manufactured demon spawn.

He doesn't get an answer, just an attack from an armoured Heartless. The thief swipes at it with one of his daggers, but it passes through it harmlessly. Then the Heartless swings its own sword, leaving a large gash along Zidane's hip as the monkey just barely manages to jump out of the way. Panting, Zidane holds his side and yells out to Dagger.

The princess, however, is swinging her racket as fast as her arms will allow, the magic, or I guess it wouldn't be inaccurate to refer to it as mana since magic is essentially comprised of mana, obliterating one Heartless for every two that advances. Within seconds, their small ranks are broken and I lose sight of them. And I hear Rei scream again.

Painfully, I look back in her direction to see that one of the Heartless has lodged a sword in her shoulder and is now thrusting its hand into her chest, presumably in search of her heart. And I once again feel the unnaturally sharp claws digging into my back as the Heartless realize that I am still here.

My eyes make contact with Hermione as I try, and fail, to bite back a scream as I feel a sword slide into my midsection. It's probably a crude form of pinning me down so that I won't be able to escape as it steals my heart. And it is working. When Hermione smiles at me without flinching, without even a tinge of regret in her eyes, it's then that I know I'm dead.

There is nobody coming to save me. The reinforcements, who don't even know that I'm here, have pretty much already fallen. Our best fighter is already dead, and our most powerful magician has been negated. There's no Reala to bail me out. And even if I could stop screaming and choking on my own blood long enough to say something to Hermione, I doubt she would listen because she is clearly enjoying this. Even if she were mad at me, I can't imagine the Hermione that I know, the one I traversed Sylvarant with, this can't possibly be the same person. It has to be Maleficent in disguise. Right?

Chunks of rock explode everywhere as Moltres is slammed into the mountainside by the giant Heartless, throwing off the Heartless on my back. The little ones swarm the stunned bird and proceed to tear into it. It struggles to rise into the sky, but a blast of ice from Kuja effectively ends that combatant's participation. Then the "pretty boy" is smashed by a back hand from the Heartless.

"Don't! Stop!" Rei screams as the colour starts to fade from her cheeks. I'm not sure if it's from the blood loss or the Heartless with its hand squeezing against her heart. "Big sister! Help me, Kodachi! Please!" Tears start rolling down her face as more and more of the monsters stab at her with their swords. And just like that, a glowing red crystal shaped like a romanticized heart (and not the gross, realistic heart shape) is in the hands of the greedy monster. Rei's body splits in two, one darkening and twisting into the basic Heartless, and the other looks just like her, only with silver hair rather than blue.

So Rei had strong enough of a soul to become a Nobody, and apparently a sentient one at that. Will I when my heart finally get stolen?

"Aw, don't you go thinking I've forgotten about you," Hermione walks over to me, ignoring all of the mayhem around her. She kneels down next to me and puts her mouth right beside my ear. "I'm sure you'll be happily serving me just like all of these other pathetic creatures soon."

After whispering those words, she stands back up and smoothes out her robes. Then she stows her wand away in her robes and closes her eyes. With a loud CRACK sound she vanishes, but all of the Heartless remain. And more keep coming.

"That wasn't the most intelligent thing to do."

Trying to see the tears, sweat, and blood that happens to have gotten in my eyes, I can barely make out the silver-haired Rei stand up. Then she holds her hand out and electricity leaps from her fingertips. So, having her heart stolen revived her magical powers? But she is still a Nobody, so maybe I should start calling her "Reix" or something like that...

Goodness, even on his deathbed Rick finds the time to make bad jokes.

The electricity spreads from her fingers and across the whole of the mountain in a display more powerful than Rei has ever done before. It lances through all of the Heartless in my field of vision. Unfortunately, it also passes through my body, and it feels as though I'm being ripped apart. Well, technically I could argue that I am, but whatever. It just really, really hurts: as does my throat from all of the screaming.

This new Rei isn't bothered at all that more and more of the Heartless keep showing up. Because she's wiping them out faster than they can respawn. Not even Kuja could do this. I knew that Nobodies kicked butt, because I couldn't even come close to beating the guy in Beast's Castle, even with King Mickey's help, but I didn't know that they got a boost THIS big.

When the last one is snuffed out of existence, Rei leans down and picks up the stone that holds her heart. She stands for a few seconds, as if in contemplation, and then puts it where her heart should go. Her head is thrown back, bright light emanating from the stone as Rei takes it back into her body. When the light finally fades away, she collapses to the ground, her gray hair slowly going back to blue, whilst the Heartless once more invade the area in their innumerable masses.

Kuja is still duking it out with the gigantic Heartless, which isn't showing any sign of fatigue, whereas he is.

"We've got to get out of here!" Eiko cries out as the form of Arcanine shows up at her side once more. Zidane, bearing several cuts and bruises, grabs Naruto's unconscious form and slings it over his shoulder. The thief jumps on the back of the Pokèmon, offering a hand up to Dagger and Eiko. Then they take off, leaving the rest of us behind. They probably didn't even know that we were here...

I'm going to die and I didn't even get to apologize.

"ENOUGH!" Kuja shouts as he holds his hands above his head. He thrusts them down at the giant Heartless. And then a nuclear bomb goes off. Not literally, I think it's just an Ultima spell, but I really don't know what the difference would be.

The overgrown Heartless is completely vaporized, and doesn't come back. Ignoring this development, the smaller ones continue advancing on me, Lloyd, and Rei with little regard. And Kuja just sits on the silver dragon as it flies away.

I wriggle and find that while the wound is still there, the sword that had trapped me vanished when its owner was destroyed by Rei. I roll over to Lloyd, painfully so, and try to wake him up. Even though pain convulses through my body and more blood gushes from my stomach as I try to rouse the unarmed swordsman, I just bite my lip and keep trying to wake him up because I don't what else to do. I've never been the brains of the party, never contributed meaningfully in any way. Why should that change now, when our very lives depend upon it? We don't even have Fujin to save us now.

Effectively, we're screwed. We've been abandoned by not only the heroes of this world, but also the villains.

"Please," I whisper through gritted teeth as I continue shaking Lloyd, even as I find my strength and vision waning, even as the pain grows sharper and more unbearable. "Do something..."

The same cold hands with the sharp claws dig into my side and my legs while I continue trying to wake Lloyd. Why won't he wake up? Why won't he save me like he did before? Come on! Wake up and be the hero like you're supposed to! Please, do it for me! Do it because you love me or because you love Rei or because you're completely platonic with the both of us. I don't care! Just please, wake up! Wake up! LLOYD!

TCBT

A/N: Ah, a horrible, evil cliffhanger. But hopefully you guys will actually review this time. Tell me I'm the greatest evil in existence for killing Fujin, lambast me for including Pokèmon in such a dark chapter, I don't care. Just give me feedback of some kind. Please? X3

And did you guys here the awesome news that is FFXIII coming to the Xbox360? Now I just to decide if I'm going to get it on that or the PS3...


	38. A Well Beaten Path

Chapter 38: A Well-Beaten Path

A/N: This is probably going to be one of those "full-circle" chapters. No, not in the sense that a lot of things get resolved, but it is going to be one that deals with a lot of the plot points that have come up so far.

TCBT

Am I dead?

That's the first thing that comes to mind as I find myself in a world of black. I test my fingers, but find that even that small of a physical effort is an eternity of pain shoved into one second. I question as to whether or not I'm in hell. Is this my punishment for not believing in god or whatever? Or was I just an all-around bad person? I mean, I am a liar, a thief, a hypocrite...

But while my body does feel like it's on fire, there aren't any actual flames: unless some demon or something gouged my eyes out.

Or is this just what it feels like to be a Heartless? Forever trapped in a world of darkness and pain... Did Sora and Kairi experience this? Did Rei have to live through it before her Nobody took her heart back? Is this what King Mickey is going through now?

Even though it hurts way too much, I lift my arm about a foot off the bed, bringing my hand up to my face. And when it gets there I find that there's a cool, wet rag that's covering my eyes. Slowly, I pull it off and let it slide onto the pillow beside my head. Then I quickly slam my eyes shut as the daylight in the room assaults my eyes.

After a few seconds, I experimentally open them. Growing used to the light, the opportunity to evaluate my surroundings is taken. Rick is in what he might guess to be a doctor's office. To my right is a window, the source of the light that initially pained me, and to the left is another bed that is empty. On the other side of that, though, is a third bed that has a little kid in it. I'd say he's maybe ten years old. He is also asleep. There's a girl sitting in a chair beside the bed. She has grey hair that's been put up into a rather hasty bun. Her choice of clothing is rather _unique_, but looks familiar all the same.

It's not something that I've seen on Gaia, though, as it's white robes not unlike what Hermione was wearing when I saw her last (except these are white and hers were black). The white is outlined with some soft greens and the collar is pink, but again it's mostly just plain old white.

Biting back the gasp of pain, I sit up in the bed, unnoticed by the girl as she continues to watch the sleeping boy. I'd place the girl in either her late teens or early twenties, so this kid she's watching probably isn't hers. I'd say it's a sibling, or some other form of relation. They definitely look like they might be related.

When the sheet falls from my chest, I realize that I'm not naked, but I'm not wearing those hideous paper gown things that people on Earth are forced into. Maybe it's because Gaia isn't as adept at sterilization and whatnot. (Provided this is still Gaia. You honestly never know. I could have had my heart taken and then be transported to another world or something as a result.) Regardless, Rick is dressed in a simple white undershirt and, after peeking under the sheet, a matching pair of white boxer shorts: which would be fine if I wore boxers.

Finding that the more I move, the quicker the pains fade, I slowly get out of the bed. Surprisingly, I can actually stand without falling over, even if the hunger pains in my stomach are enough to knock me to the floor. Stumbling around the room, I wander over to a coat rack where there are a couple of blue robes. These are the type of robes that you wear over pyjamas, and not the ones that you wear at Wizard schools.

The girl is now actively watching me at this point, but doesn't say anything when I slip the robe on. Tightening the belt with a minimum of wincing, I walk past her and down a nearby flight of stairs.

Perhaps I should mention at this point that I am still covered in scabbed over cuts and that my stomach is still burning when I move. (It's probably due to the whole getting stabbed twice in the span of a week thing, and that the first stabbing was never correctly treated...) Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the glass of a picture frame (which I'm surprised to see, as Alexandria, Lindblum, and Ascantha all still use oil paintings and those big banner things, although that _was_ just in the castles), I see that my face is covered with dried and crusty scabs as well, with one that runs from my collar bone up to just under my right eye. It must be terribly deep or have missed that big artery thing in my neck, though, because I'm pretty sure that when people have their throats cut open they bleed to death. Either way, it's pretty disturbing to see myself looking like some sort of Frankenstein monster or something.

And don't even get me started on my complexion. I've avoided discussing it in the past, but seeing as how my diet lately has consisted of pieces of cacti and the occasional _other_ edible plant (found courtesy of Fujin, who had experience in that type of thing), and the total lack of hygiene while being Kodachi's prisoner and then confined to the lighthouse while Kodachi and Lloyd freely bathed in the nearby sea water, I now have more zits than Britney Spears does social disorders.

Wow, a celebrity reference. It's been awhile since I've made one of those, hasn't it?

Anyway, considering how hideous I look, I actually feel surprisingly clean. I mean, someone had to have washed me (and my hair) while I was unconscious. And while the idea of someone messing with my body while I was unconscious is creepy, I am generally thankful.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I find myself in what appears to be the reception room of some sort of doctor's office. There is a woman behind the obligatory counter, and she is staring at a picture of some guy that I absolutely do not recognize, even if the teenaged receptionist herself looks slightly familiar. However, the woman sitting at the table in the corner is someone that I recognize. Actually, I know her rather well.

"Rick! I'm so glad that you're okay!"

Two arms are thrown around my neck, fingers digging into my shoulders as if to prevent me from escaping. Vowing not to cringe from the renewed pain, I put my arms around her waist. The last time we spoke, she was defending me. She was trying to tell Zidane that I wasn't as terrible a person as he believed.

Sometimes Dagger isn't the brightest crayon in the box, but I love her just the same.

"They wouldn't let anyone see you because the other patient in this clinic doesn't do well with strangers, or something of that sort. We were scared you wouldn't wake up. It's been five days since they rescued you," the princess sobs into my shoulder as she balls handfuls of my robe into her fists.

We stand there for probably a good thirty seconds, just holding each other, until the receptionist lady interrupts with a cough. "Unless you two are going to start making out, I recommend you pay and get out of here, okay?"

Okay, aside from the fact that making out with Dagger is completely gross, I have no money with which to pay the bill that I had accrued while I was out of it.

Smiling at me warmly, Dagger reaches into her pocket. Counting out a number of bills, she hands them to the girl who then shoos us out before going back to staring at her picture. I've said it before and I'll say it again: people from Gaia are weird.

"It's going to be a little cold, but your room is just up the street, so it won't be for too long," Dagger warns as she opens the door.

Immediately, I'm hit by a frigid win. Pulling my robe tighter around me, I peer out and see that the ground is covered in what is probably a foot of snow. Oh crap. She actually expects me to go out there? Barefoot? It seems I'm not the only one that got hit in the head.

"Come on, Rick. Lloyd and the others are waiting for you," she tells me, as though it's some sort of enticement. Then she grabs my arm and, ignoring how much pain I am obviously in, pulls me into the freezing cold.

It's not snowing at the moment, but the wind effortlessly bites through my meagre protection. Looking and seeing people bundled up tromping through the white powder that is lying on the ground, I have to wonder just where the heck I am. I mean, wasn't I just wandering around a barren desert a few days ago?

"How far is it?" I cry as my feet start to burn from the extreme cold of the snow. I hated going out to check the mail barefoot whenever it snowed on Earth, so you can imagine my utter joy at having to trudge down a city street of the stuff. Lovely.

"Another block or so," she answers whilst a part of me freezes to death inside.

When we do finally reach the inn (which looks rather rundown), the moment Dagger opens the door I hear _his_ voice. "What took you so long?"

"Sorry I'm late," Dagger answers, "but, you see…"

When she steps into the room to let everyone see me, the first thing I notice is Zidane's relieved smile on his face. Then it slowly falters and he looks away. Naruto does the same. I guess he still blames me for Sasuke's death. Eiko just gives me a dirty look, which is fine because I don't like the evil midget anyway. And we haven't even spoken a word to each other yet. Is that odd, I wonder?

"RICK!" Lloyd shouts as he practically tackles me. "I'm so glad to see that you're okay. I was really worried. Well, there probably wasn't any need to, since you have a bad habit of sleeping forever when you get attacked, but I guess…"

My lips interrupt when I kiss him. Partly, it's to shut him up because I do NOT sleep forever when somebody attacks me; this is only the second time. Stupid Kodachi and Chal thinking I need to die. Well, that's only a small part. The rest is just me wanting to kiss him. Proving to Zidane that I've done fine without him has absolutely nothing to do with it.

"Wow…" Lloyd mutters when I finish. His face is so red. He really is cute when he blushes. "Erm…"

"Don't just stand there," I tell Lloyd. Honestly, I know I'm a great kisser and that he should be lost for words, but I'm not really in the mood. "What happened? Last thing I remember is being attacked by Heartless up on that mountain."

"So, that's what they're called…" Zidane mumbles just loud enough for everyone to hear. Then he looks at me. The look on his face isn't something I can accurately describe with words, but the closest on would probably be somewhere between anger, curiousness, and disappointment. "How do you know what they're called?"

"I know because I'm the reason they were there in the first place," I admit as I face the rest of the assembled. Lloyd stands beside me, a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Hermione summoned them because of me."

Naruto looks up at me then. So, he remembers that it was the witch. Perhaps he even realized she was the one who was the cause of it all, since she had attacked him and whatnot.

"Are you sure you want to tell them this, Rick?" Lloyd whispers in my ear.

"No," I whisper back. Actually, this is the last thing in the world I want to do. How do you tell people that up until a few months ago you thought they weren't real, that they were just a part of some underrated fantasy? "But I've lied to them enough."

"I'd drink to that," Zidane scoffs angrily. So he'll never forgive me, it seems. It's not like I blame him.

Drawing my eyes to the warm fire off in the corner, which I'd very much like to be at, I just stand there by the door which Lloyd had kindly closed after I kissed him. I think I need the cold pressing against my back to remind me that I am awake and that this is real.

"Are you guys sure he needs to do this right now?" Dagger interjects as Lloyd and Zidane glare at each other. My former best friend and the man I'm in love with hate each other, and it's probably all because of me. "I mean, Rick, you did just get…"

"Would waiting really make a difference?" Naruto asks the princess. "If the guy wants to have a confession, then we just need to wait and see if his sins are worth the absolution."

Aside from the surprise of Naruto knowing a word like absolution, I have to say I'm surprised he's sticking up for me. Unless I'm reading this completely wrong. I've done that type of thing before.

"We're waiting," Zidane says after a few seconds of awkward silence.

"I'm sorry."

"We've known that all along."

"ZIDANE!" Dagger shouts in horror and anger. "Knock it off!"

I'm really kind of surprised. I mean, if this is an inn, then where is the concierge? There is supposed to be more than just a one-room shack with a fireplace and no beds, isn't there? And it feels like something is missing…

"Where's Rei?" To be honest, I want everyone here when I do this. It's highly likely I won't even be able to tell them the whole story this one time, anyway. What with me being a natural born liar and all.

"She's… out at the moment," Lloyd answers, looking at the door. "I'm pretty sure she won't be back for a couple more hours."

The psychopath isn't here hitting on Dagger or Zidane? (Or trying to rape Lloyd, I guess.) I wonder what's up with her all of a sudden. Unless... She saw someone who looked like her sister, or something equally stupid.

"How do I start?" I wonder aloud because I honestly don't know where I would. Not even Lloyd knows everything, like the whole thing with Maleficent pretending to be my mother. In fact, I think the only ones that know are Hermione, Maleficent, and me.

"You could tell the truth for a change."

Dagger gives Zidane a dirty look, as if daring him to say something else.

Not rattled in the slightest because I've been expecting it, I take a deep breath. My legs hurt and my stomach is doing all it can to remind me that I'm hungry. "Um, I guess the first place to go would be to let you guys know that I'm Rick, and I'm the prince of Ascantha."

"Like we didn't already know that," Zidane snorts rudely. I'm sorry, but wasn't his being a good guy one the featured traits in the FFIX lore or something? Since when does he hold a grudge? He saved Kuja life for heaven's sake! Why can't he forgive me for keeping some secrets to myself?

"Anyway, my name is Rick and I'm also a teenager in high school who spends his time playing games and buying new clothes." Now everyone looks confused. Now they know how I feel. I guess. "The thing is... I come from two different worlds, so to speak."

"What are you talking about, Rick?" Dagger inquires. "Weren't you born on Gaia? I mean, I remember going to a birthday party of yours or something when we were kids, before your mom…"

"That's the thing," I tell her. "I was born on Gaia, but until a few months ago, I had no idea that this place, this world, was real. I grew up on Earth."

"Earth?"

"It's where I spent my childhood: most of my life. When I was little, a sorceress named Maleficent switched my soul with that of a boy on Earth named Rick. Or something to that effect. All I know is that I was born here, but grew up there, and for some reason Maleficent brought me back. And it wasn't just me: she did it to Fujin, Hermione, and who knows who else." My voice cracks when I say Fujin's name, but there's not much that I can do at this point. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys right away that I was a prince. I didn't know."

Dagger leans against the table Zidane and Naruto are sitting at. Her feet are right beside each other, touching. "When did you come back?"

"Huh?"

Looking up at me, I see that she has tears in the corners of her eyes. "You said that this Maleficent woman sent you away to this 'Earth" place, and then brought you back. When did you come back?"

"The night of your birthday party," I answer truthfully. In the back of my mind, I wonder if Hermione went through the same thing when she told this to Lilka. I wonder if Fujin ever told Raijin. Have Cami or Kaoru told their friends in their respective worlds? "I woke up lying on some steps in the castle. To be honest, I thought it was all a joke or something. I mean, this place was just a videogame on Earth. I thought I was crazy or something."

"Videogame?" Naruto asks. "What is that?"

"It's…" how do I explain the concept of a videogame to someone who doesn't know what one is? Well, I guess first I would have to explain TV, and maybe electricity. Screw it. "It's a special type of game. Anyway, on Earth this place is just a fantasy." A Final Fantasy, to be more specific.

"So, that wasn't you who served in the Knight's of Pluto?" Dagger asks, before answering her own question. "No, of course it wasn't. You have acted differently ever since we escaped from Alexandria with Tantalus. You aren't the Rick that I used to spend all that time with. You aren't the one who hid his darkest secret from me while I shared mine…"

Dagger and the other Rick were friends? I mean, I had no clue. Although, I must admit that it would explain why she was so friendly with _me_ the first time I met her and all.

"Am I really supposed to buy this?" Zidane intones. He looks at everyone in the room before standing up. "Other worlds, forgotten pasts, come on. This is all complete B.S. I can't believe you guys are buying into it."

As much as I want to scream to Zidane that I want him to believe me, I know that it is ultimately pointless. Just like Molly Ringwald trying to get her acting career back.

Zidane stands up and storms out into the snow. Dagger holds her hand out and open her mouth as if to say something, but stops and goes lax. I close my eyes and remember that it is essentially my fault, anyway.

"I think we're done for now," Naruto mutters quietly as he lays his head on the table, covering it with his hands. I, for one, second the notion. Right now, I really don't want to have to get into the whole psychopath-trying-to-take-over-all-creation thing going on right now. They have enough on their plate concerning Kuja.

He is the reason they're on this continent, right?

I eye Eiko as she slips out the door, probably after Zidane. It won't work. I tried to get the guy to leave Dagger's side for me, and all I got was months of angst. Good luck with that, you evil brat.

"Why are you here?" I ask Dagger after Lloyd sits down at the table with Naruto. He pulls out a piece of paper and a pen (I think) and begins to write something. Or he could be drawing a picture of a pig. I don't know.

"I was worried about you, Rick," she answers as we walk to the other side of the room, away from prying ears. "I couldn't just leave you when you're sick."

Shaking my head, I convey to her that I'm talking about this continent, this city. "You guys were up on the mountain when we were attacked and you let us behind. We could've died." Just like Fujin, although I would never say that aloud.

If you don't say it, it's not true, right? I mean, my memory could have been affected by the Heartless or Hermione could've cursed me with her magic.

"I know, but we didn't know that it was you guys," the princess confesses. "We just saw Kuja fighting some huge monster, and for whatever reason decided that we would use that chance to take him down for what he's done to Mother and the people of this world." She looks rather distraught whenever she talks about Brahne. And even though I don't feel any sympathy for the Queen regarding her (probably) inevitable fate, I do feel bad about what it's going to do to her daughter.

"Hermione… she did it," I tell Dagger. "She brought them here. The Heartless, that is: Hermione summoned them into this world. I would've been dead if… Why aren't I dead? Or one of them anyway?"

Smiling, Dagger grabs my forearm. I don't wince because it's one of the few places that isn't covered in lacerations. "That's because the you were rescued by the Royal Radiata Knights!"

"The what?" Okay, that would explain why all of those people looked so familiar. I'm in Radiata, although I don't necessarily remember Radiata being a land of snow. So maybe that place with the big metal door was where the dwarves in that continuity live? Which would explain why they didn't answer or let us in.

"We're in the Kingdom of Radiata," she beams. "Don't feel bad about not knowing about it, because I had no clue that this continent even existed, let alone a kingdom."

"So these Knights, they saved Lloyd, Rei and me?" Nobody saved Fujin, though. I wonder if her body is still up on that mountain? "How? I mean, the only things that affects them is magic, and in most kingdoms that I've lived in, the average recruit isn't exactly adept at handling mana."

"That's because this town also has four guilds, one of them specializing in magic, and they got some help. Not to mention the dwarves got the elves involved, which was enough firepower to get you guys out," she says sadly. "Unfortunately, we couldn't destroy those things. What did you call them, Heartless? They just kept coming and coming, and it got to where even with the help of mine and Eiko's eidolons, we were no match. Everyone just kind of abandoned the dwarves, and we're just waiting to see if those things come here."

So, the entire dwarves population has been made in to Heartless? That's just… Well, that sucks on a magnitude of levels. And the Heartless are running around unchecked, taking over the entire continent. All because I ticked Hermione off. What's next? Zidane joining the cause of evil?

"Dagger, you said that there was a guild here focused on magic. Are the other three guilds about religion, thievery, and random do-good stuff?" I ask her. She shrugs. Honestly, I wouldn't expect her to know. But there is someone that I need to talk to about all of this. She'll probably think me insane, just like Zidane, but if anyone on this planet knows anything about the Heartless, it's probably going to be Morgan. She is the resident expert on all things black magic.

If only she weren't so scary.

"Well, do you know how to get to the magic guild?" What was it called? The Vareth Institute? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. "There's probably someone there that I can talk to. Someone who might have an idea of what is going on."

"If we were back home, we could just ask Dr. Sage."

But Raine isn't here, and she was more obsessed with ancient ruins than, you know, evil and all that good stuff.

"I'm sorry, but it's getting kind of cold," I tell Dagger as I hold my arms around myself in an attempt to get some heat. Standing next to the fire would probably be a good idea. "Do you know if there's anything here that I could wear?"

As far as clothing is concerned, for the most part these guys are pretty stale. Dagger is wearing a white blouse with orange pants and an orange jacket (with a white fur collar), Naruto is also wearing orange pants and an orange jacket, but his shirt is black. Lloys is sporting blue jeans with a red t-shirt.

"Oh, sorry," she squeaks as she wanders over to a corner of the room, which is stuffed full of bags. She pulls out some white pants and a brown shirt. It's not what I normally wear, but I suppose it's better than what I'm wearing now. She looks at Naruto and he nods to her. "These might be a little tight, but they're better than nothing. Unfortunately, we don't have any extra boots or anything of the kind."

"Do you think I could borrow yours? Our feet are about the same size," I ask Lloyd. He looks up at me with the cutest, dumbstruck face.

"You want my shoes?" he says as he scratches his head, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. "I suppose I could let you borrow them. I'm not going anywhere."

"You're a doll." I kiss him on the cheek as he starts to remove his footwear.

The shoes are actually a couple sizes too big when I finally put them on. Since I don't have any socks, I just stuff the legs of my new pants in them, hoping that will be enough protection to keep out the snow.

"Hey, Dagger, I'm going to go find this Vareth Institute place, do you want to come with me?"

She nods and walks out the door with me. I pull Naruto's jacket tighter around me. He was kind enough to lend it to me, and I was kind enough to accept it despite it totally clashing with everything I'm wearing. That, and it's too small. I'm short, but he's bordering on being a midget.

We ask directions from a random person we pass, an old dude digging through some trash, and he sets us off in the right direction. I can tell you already that this idea of mine that tucking the pants into the shoes is not working as well as I'd hoped.

"Rick, Lloyd told me that there was a guy named Fujin traveling with you…"

"Fujin is… _was _a woman, Dagger," I tell the summoner. Why can't anyone ever get that right? "She died up there, though. Hermione killed her."

"Hermione?" this piques her interest. "That friend of yours at Shikon Academy? Why would she kill Fujin?"

"Because, like me, they were both Drifters, I guess. Hermione took something from Fujin's body." She took a Materia, right? But what good would that be? The thing was completely useless whenever I tried to use it (as was the other Materia I lugged around). "But it's my fault that Hermione did it, really. I hid the truth of a lot of things from her, like I did you guys."

The future queen of Alexandria smiles as she leans against me. My shoulder is sore, but I don't begrudge her the act. "I don't blame you. You were scared. I think I would've done the same thing."

Not sure of how I should respond to that, I start walking to the Institute. Dagger seems to understand that I don't want to talk about things right now. She just claps her hands and looks down at the snowy road. I wonder if that is because of the fierce wind or my own iciness.

We trudge through a section of the city that I recognize as being home to the Olacian Order, the religious ones in the city. Well, my memory wouldn't be needed to figure out that this is that area. There is a guy standing on a street corner, amidst the wind and cold, shouting out about the virtues of the Goddess Olga.

And just like that I tune him out. That's one thing I learned on earth that can be used anywhere.

We finally reach the Institute, but we don't go inside right away. Why not? Because I finally found the missing psycho.

"I'm telling you, I can use magic!" Rei screams as she struggles against two men dragging her out.

"It doesn't matter," one of the guys throwing her out says after the girl lands in the snow. "We're not going to let you in here if you think attacking the Headmaster is a smart thing to do."

"That old man is nothing!" Rei screams at them angrily.

They leave her practically frothing at the mouth, writhing in the cold in a surprisingly conservative outfit. Get this, though, she isn't wearing blue. Rei has on a heavy brown shirt, as well as denim pants held up by a piece of rope. Her long blue hair is in a simple ponytail, hanging over her shoulder.

She catches sight of Dagger and me. Normally, I would expect to go flying into the air as she rockets to be beside Dagger. However, we just get a dirty look. Standing up, Rei brushes the snow off her clothes and walks past us without a second word. She isn't headed in the direction of our inn, though.

"Should we let her be on her own?" I ask Dagger. "She doesn't seem to be doing too well."

"She's a big girl, she'll be fine. I think."

With that, we decide to ignore my ex-future-sister-in-law and approach the Vareth Institute. When the door opens, we're greeted by what is probably the greatest thing that has ever existed: heat. Yes, this building is heated, and probably insulated as well. Rick is going to take a fanatical assumption and say that magic might be involved somewhere.

There is nobody in the lobby, with the exception of the receptionist. And she's currently sleeping. Considering it's still daylight out, and that's she's working, I'm going to assume that she isn't supposed to be asleep.

"Excuse me," I say as I pound on the desk. Dagger gives me a look that shows she thinks I'm being rude, and when the receptionist girl wakes up, she gives me a very similar look, albeit a more hateful one. "Would you happen to know if Morgan is here?"

"Morgan who?" the girl yawns as she stretches.

"The super-powerful witch who is in constant need of money," I answer with a roll of my eyes.

"Oh, her? She's in the Star Tower, I think."

"You think?"

"Am I her keeper?" she responds venomously.

Throwing my hands up in frustration, I walk away from the woman. Dagger says something to her, probably an apology, before catching up with me. We walk through a door, which leads into a cafeteria. There are maybe five people in it, aside from the lunch lady. Two of them are teachers, although they're both guys, so I doubt either one of Morgan. The other three look like students. I don't remember the names of two of them, but one is clearly Fenix, the pretty boy that thief guy was checking out in the game until I showed him that Fenix was really a man.

"Excuse me," I say to Fenix as I approach his table, at which he is sitting alone. "Could I ask you for directions?"

"No," he answers simply. Oh, I forgot he was kind of stuck up.

"Whatever," I tell him as I turn my back on him. If I weren't so concerned with trying to find Morgan, I might have wrenched Fenix's hair from his pretty head, but I honestly don't have the time. While nobody else seems to be too worried, it's only a matter of time before the Heartless reach this city.

"Can I help you, young man?" one of the teachers asks. She's kind of heavyset with red hair pulled into two braids that jut out from her head at angles seem only during the 1980's back on Earth. Hairspray, probably. Getting back on topic, her name is tickling at the back of my head, because most of these people look familiar. Is it Jill? "Sometimes the children forget their manners."

Fenix ignores her.

"Um, I was just looking for someone named Morgan," I answer. Sure, Jill might be able to help, but I doubt she has the depth of knowledge that Morgan does. After all, wasn't Morgan researching the very concept of death, or something? All I really remember was that she killed Jack every time I took her on, and that she said that black magic doesn't necessarily equate evil magic. "Do you know where we could find her?"

Jill laughs heartily, standing up from the table she was sharing with some other teacher guy that I can't recall. (There were a lot of people in Radiata Stories to recruit, how am I supposed to remember them all?) She motions for Dagger and I to follow her, which we do. We pass another door, walk up three or four flights of stairs, Jill and Dagger making small talk the entire way with the occasional joke thrown in by the portly redhead, until we reach what Jill assures us is Morgan's room.

We thank the educator, and she gives us a kind wave before descending the stairs.

"Rick, what are you going to ask her?" Dagger inquires of me as we stand in front of the door.

"That's a very good question," I comment. I honestly have no idea of how I should approach the subject of whether or not Morgan knows anything about the Heartless short of outright asking her, and that's if she'll even talk to us. I suppose I could always offer to let her keep Eiko as a test subject on summoning magic, or some such thing.

Placing my hand on the door, I prepare to open it. I never actually open it, though, as the door kind of leaps at me. Well, it doesn't leap so much as blow off the hinges, smack me in the face, and then crush me to the floor with it's heavy weight. The thing is made out of metal, for whatever reason.

"Oh, sorry!" a feminine voice squeaks as someone begins lifting the door off of my person. When I catch sight of who it is, I almost start laughing my head off. The girl gives an odd look as Dagger helps her lift the door. I crawl out form under it, doing of poor job of suppressing my giggles along the way.

"Are you okay, Rick?" Dagger asks as she helps me stand up.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I snort as I avoid looking at the girl who most likely caused me to die an early death.

For her part, Rachel crosses her arms over her chest and gives a look that shows she thinks me crazy. This is Rachel in her disguise, mind you. And she really does look like a dork, as opposed to a popular singer in the Void Community.

"Is there something the matter?" The air drops a couple of degrees as someone in a black robe, and matching black pointy hat, steps into the hallway. Immediately, my laughter stops and I look up into Morgan's face. She does not amused at all. She is glaring at Dagger and me with utter disdain. "If you're here for class, you're half an hour late."

"Um, we're not students here," Dagger tells the imposing woman with a slight quiver in her voice.

"Then I have nothing to say to you," Morgan replies as she puts a hand on Rachel's shoulder and leads her back into the classroom.

Dagger and I both look at each other. This is not exactly what I was expecting, although I don't know why I wasn't. I just kind of assumed she would want to know why we were there.

"Um, I do need to talk to you…" I say quietly as I step into the classroom. Aside from Rachel and Morgan, there's only two other people in the room. I've seen them both in the game, but don't really remember their names.

"Then come back after my class is over."

"It's kind of urgent."

Morgan sighs as she directs Rachel to sit down. She pulls a wand from her sleeve and points it directly at me, as I'm the one deigning to speak to her. "It had better be of importance, or I won't hesitate to freeze the both of you in blocks of ice."

This is going extremely well.

"Did you hear about the Knights encountering some strange creatures that they couldn't kill a few days back?" I ask the woman. Everyone is kind of staring at me, as Morgan didn't leave the room to speak with Dagger and me. My eyes trained on the wand pointed in my direction, I take a deep breath.

"No, I did not."

That's going to make this so much easier.

"Well, they did. I was hoping you might know something about them, since you seem to be one of the most intelligent people in this entire city." The look on her face doesn't change at all, showing that she clearly isn't influenced by flattery. "I was one of the people attacked by them, in case the bandages didn't give it away."

"I should care why?" she really doesn't look too impressed.

"Well, the creatures are known as Heartless, and they have the ability to remove a person's heart, their "soul" you could call it, and the result is that that person becomes a Heartless as well. The only thing that can defeat them is magic."

"I don't care. I suggest you leave. My patience is thin."

My jaw drops to the floor. Morgan is a cold woman, yeah, but I didn't know she was stupid as well. Indeed, her students are looking at me like I'm a complete idiot. Dagger puts a hand on my arm and drags me out of the room. She looks almost as disappointed as I am.

"That didn't go over too well."

"Well, it was kind of a long shot to begin with," I admit as we begin descending the stairs. Honestly, I kind of knew that Morgan wouldn't have any clue what I was talking about. I just didn't expect her to shut me down so soon. "Now I don't know what to do."

"We'll figure something out when we get back to the inn," the princess consoles me.

Right, the inn. Which Lloyd has been sharing with these people that he barely knows, and of which only one likes me. While he isn't trying to kill me, I don't think Naruto is quite over Sasuke's death. And I very highly doubt I'll get along with Eiko, not to mention Zidane still hates me.

"I don't think I'm going to stay there," I tell Dagger. Her eyes widen and her fingers dig into my arm.

"But you don't have anywhere to go! It's freezing outside and you don't know anybody here."

"I'll be fine. I'm sure Lloyd will come with me. We'll get a place until we figure out a plan. I'm just not comfortable staying with you guys anymore. Not after everything that's gone down."

She gives me a sympathetic look. "Rick, nobody blames you for what you did. I would've done the same thing if I was in your shoes."

While I do appreciate her words, I did put myself into the situation I'm in. Dagger doesn't know that I lied to Hermione and Fujin as well, even after I found out that they were Drifters. She doesn't know that I tried as hard as I could to win over the man I knew would wind up falling in love with her. Well, maybe she knows that one, but she doesn't know that they are supposed to end up together.

Before we leave the Vareth Institute, Dagger kisses me on the cheek. "Well, I hope that things work out alright for you guys. And if you ever want anyone to talk to, you know where to find me."

"Until you go off on another adventure," I tell her with small smile. "When you see Lloyd, send him this way, okay? I'm going to check out the town a little more."

"Okay…" she says suspiciously.

"Actually, could you pick him up some shoes on your way? I'll pay you back."

"No you won't, but I'll do it anyway," she laughs before hugging me one last time.

As I stand there in the doorway of the Vareth Institute, watching the woman is probably my best friend and at one time my greatest rival walk away, I wonder if I ever will see her again. Because she isn't content to stay in Radiata while the man who is manipulating her mother runs around on his own. And I honestly don't know where I'll go from here. I suppose I could always return to Ascantha, or hang out in Lindblum, but that would be me dragging Lloyd someplace that's of comfort to me and me alone. Not to mention that going back to Ascantha entails having to tell everyone that Kodachi and Chal killed my father. And while that wouldn't be too bad for me, it would probably wreak all kinds of havoc on Rei, and having seen how Kodachi treats her little sister, I'm not too surprised by how Rei turned out.

I wait until Dagger rounds a corner before I step into the snowy streets myself, closing the door behind me. Of course, the receptionist I had awoken earlier had yelled at me, but I had also ignored her. I wander through the cold, shivering as I head in the direction that I probably shouldn't. I could very easily get shelter from the Olacion Order, but I don't feel like being preached at. And as much as I don't want to feel like a sell-out, the Void Community is more likely to listen to my information than anyone else.

Yeah, I'm going to the Bandit Guild for help. I know I shouldn't. These people are the lowest of the low, but it's also the ome of Rynka and Flau, and they're actually pretty decent people. They seem to care about the citizens of this city. More than some of the people in the castle or the Olacian Order, anyway.

I pass a small alcove where trashcans and bundles of newspapers have been placed, probably to be picked up and disposed of by the people in this part of the city. Curious (probably spurred by my redneck upbringing) I lift one of the lids and immediately drop it to the ground in disgust.

It's freezing outside, and someone decided that they no longer need an entire trashcan worth of winter clothes! Of course, they're more than a little worn and some of them have holes of varying sizes, but I don't care. I pull out a woven brown jacket and slip it on overtop of Naruto's jacket. I suppose I'll have to give it back.

Actually, I wonder whatever happened to that coat that Michael had given me. I was wearing it when Hermione and I were sent to Sylvarant, after all…

I grab a pair of boots, ignoring the looks of the few people passing by, as well as a few other articles of clothing that I imagine will fit me or Lloyd. Then I place the lid back on the trashcan and huddle as far into the alcove as I can get. It cuts down on the wind stinging my face, but it's still incredibly cold. This is probably the best place to wait for Lloyd, as it's only a block or so away from the Vareth Institute.

"Are you okay? You really shouldn't be standing out in this weather," a woman with short brown hair says as she jumps down from the wall behind me to land in the snow. She extends a hand. "Hi, I'm Flau."

"Rick," I respond as I jostle the clothes in my arms so that I can shake her hand with as little awkwardness as possible. "Actually, I'm waiting on someone."

"Well, you've been waiting about ten minutes, and I haven't seen anyone."

I step away from her when she says that. "You've been watching me?"

"Ever since you got out of Morfinn's Clinic. You're the kid that the knight's rescued, aren't you?"

"You know about me?" I ask. Morgan had no clue who I was.

"Well, through reputation only. There's a girl that's been hanging around Club Vampire who's been causing some trouble, and she claims to have been there with you."

"Does she have blue hair and answer to Rei?"

Flau nods with a small smile. "That's the one. She's actually there now if you want to come drag her away."

"Is that a suggestion or a hint?" I wonder aloud. "Because I honestly can't make her do anything."

At that moment I hear Lloyd calling my name. I smile at Flau and indicate that the person I was waiting on is finally here.

"Well, it was nice meeting you, Rick," she says. "And when you get the chance, come down to the Void Community. We are interested in hearing about these Heartless creatures, even if Morgan isn't."

With that bombshell, she walks away. Shortly after, Lloyd shows up with a red face. "What are you doing out here?" he yells angrily. "You're going to get sick!"

Dropping everything in my hands, I throw my arms around him and enjoy the heat from his body before daring to speak. It feels nice to hold him. It's not like we're puzzle pieces that just fit perfectly, because nobody is ever really like that. But just knowing that he cares enough about me to yell at me for standing out in the cold is enough reason to know that I really like him, and might even love him some day down the road. I'm not going to rush things with Lloyd, not like I did with Michael. And I'm not going to try to fool myself like I did with Zidane.

After I finally let him go, I kneel down and retrieve the now wet and cold clothing I had let spill into the snow. "There's somewhere we need to go," I tell him. "You can stay with Zidane, Dagger, and the others if you want, but I'm not. In fact, I'm off right now to go talk with some of the worst scum in the city. You don't have to come with me, but I would appreciate it if you would."

He smiles at me as I hand him a slightly damp jacket to slip on over his red t-shirt that is definitely not protecting him from the snow. "What are we waiting for?"

TCBT

A/N: Well, that's filler if I've even seen it. And I have. But hopefully you guys enjoyed reading it. Anywho, I'm off to write the next chapter, in which new alliances are forged, and old friendships are potentially ruined forever. See you guys there!


	39. Sanity's Requiem

Chapter 39: Sanity's Requiem

A/N: There is one thing I want to get across in this chapter that I feel may have been left out of other ones, and that is that even the guys can kick some butt. You'll seem what I mean…

TCBT

It never changes, does it? Just when you think you've escaped the spinning wheel of fate, you end up right where you began. And, I'm afraid I must admit, I am once again staring down the evil that is an insane, overly violent woman. Well, two technically, but we'll worry about that later.

Lloyd and I were trying to find the nightclub that the Bandit Guild frequents when we stumbled across this scene and he decided that he needs to play hero. If she doesn't kill him, I just might.

It's not an uncommon scene: there's Rei, a strange girl, and lots of sexual harassment. Well, maybe it is strange that the one being sexually harassed is Rei and that she's actually resisting the advances. Okay, so it's a totally bizarre twist of fate that I never saw coming. Whatever.

"Rei?" Lloyd jogs over to the scene despite my best attempts to silently dissuade him. The last thing we need is to get involved in this thing. Honestly, she's brought it on herself, and we kind of have somewhere to be. "What are you doing?"

"What's it look like?" the girl spits as she struggles to get out of a the grip of a girl about my age. When I finally catch up to them, I immediately feel the need to kick Lloyd.

This is Lily, the "White Princess." Crap-on-a-stick. It just had to be her, didn't it? What in the world would possess Rei to get involved with someone who could rip each of us in half with the ease it take to snap a pencil? Stupid Rei.

"Do you mind?" Lily glares at Lloyd, and he flinches. "My girl and I were just getting to know each other, weren't we?" Then she licks Rei's cheek. The younger, psychotic nympho tenses up before digging her feet into the dirt of the ground and twisting in Lily's grip just enough to throw a punch. Naturally, Lily catches it. Then she twists Rei's wrist hard enough to snap the bones as a very loud CRACK resounds through the alley Lloyd and I chose as a shortcut. Can I please have one day go by without getting into a fight?

"Let her go!" Lloyd screams as he goes into chivalry mode. Of course, I hide behind a nearby trash can, but what did you expect?

With a smirk, Lily tosses Rei into a brick wall. Then she reaches for something on her back, producing two very sharp swords. I am so not going to get stabbed again over Rei.

"I was getting bored with her, anyway. You look like more fun," Lily comments. Then there's a scream as Rei rebounds.

With a chop to Lily's throat (from her good hand, not the broken one), Rei then kicks Lily's left forearm, knocking the sword to the ground. Pushing off Lily, Rei slides her foot into the sword, kicking it over to Lloyd. "Pick it up!"

He stares at the weapon. I blink, and then watch as Lily regains enough of her composure to back hand Rei roughly. Catching the smaller girl before she can fall, she uses her free hand to grab Rei by the hair and throw her into the trashcan I'm using as cover. And a healthy handful of hair is still in Lily's hand.

"That wasn't very a very nice thing to do to your sister," Lily laughs as she smells Rei's hair before dropping it to the ground and grinding it into the dirt with the heel of her boot.

"You have another sister!" I scream at the little-more-than-conscious Rei. "Are you kidding me?"

"Of course we're not really sisters," Lily answers for her victim. "She just called me 'Kodachi' and leapt on my back."

Looking at Lily, I could see where there might be some confusion from a distance… But Rei should know her own sister well enough to notice that this psychopath isn't _her _psychopath.

"Are you going to stand there all day?" Lily yawns at Lloyd. "Or should I just kill you and get it over with?"

"What?" he blinks before Lily leaps at him with her swords singing through the air. Dropping to the filthy ground, it's still cold as hell, but for whatever reason the Void Community doesn't have as much snow I assume all of the ceiling-to-ceiling walkways might have something to do with that.

Lloyd grabs the sword Rei had sent his way and brings it up in time to deflect Lily's second strike. Then he kicks out and catches her in the stomach.

…Did I just see Lloyd pull off a totally cool manoeuvre? Because I thought it was one of those laws of nature that only women could do those kinds of things on Gaia…

Recovering from the blow, Lily leaps into the air, twirling about in acrobatic fashion not unlike the Kodachi Rei mistook her for, and brings her sword down at Lloyd. Or, rather, where he used to be. It seems he's rather fast, too. I find it hard to believe that he's this good. I've traveled with him for weeks and never saw him pull off things like this. Then again, we were severely malnourished and he was unarmed for the majority of it, so that may play a role.

He jabs at Lily, but she twirls around the sword and swings her own in his direction. He slams his hand down on the flat of the blade, knocking it off course. However, he doesn't dodge the fist that follows it.

Flying into the wall much like Rei had, Lloyd stabs his sword into the ground to keep from falling off his feet altogether. Unfortunately, this leaves an opening for Lily as she takes a swipe at his midsection. Rather than abandoning his weapon to save himself, Lloyd uses it to lift himself off the ground, and out of reach of Lily's attack. With his feet high in the air above him, Lloyd swings down and powerfully kicks Lily in the chest with both feet.

In a move ripped out of Advent Children, Lily lands against the wall with both feet and one hand pressed against the brick, only the hand with her sword free. Heck, the trash even flies all around her face as she narrows her eyes at Lloyd in obvious rapture. Then she leaps off, her sword pointed ahead of her like she were a bullet fired from a gun.

Pulling his own sword free, Lloyd, leans back just enough to miss the tip of Lily's blade, but not enough to miss when she smashes the hilt into his nose.

Bloods seeps between his fingers. Angry, he twirls in an arc to block another round of blows from Lily while the blood running from his nose drips onto the ground. Small tufts of steam drift into the cold air from the warm liquid.

Then comes the definitive moment where Lloyd actually manages to finish her off. I'm guessing there was a break in her defences or some such thing, because his foot makes contact with the side of Lily's ribcage, while the flat of the blade smacks her temple, knocking her out.

Why, yes, Rick did indeed make out with a cool person today.

"Is she okay?" he inquires about Rei rather thickly while dropping the stolen sword by Lily's unconscious form. Maybe some of the blood is draining down his throat? My suspicion is confirmed when he snorts but doesn't spit. Blech. He is so washing his mouth before I kiss him again. Stupid Lloyd.

"Well, she's alive," I reply with little enthusiasm. Bailing Rei out is getting old. I mean, sure, a lot of our collective problems as a trio are a result of my actions, but I don't go out and have sex with random strangers who turn out to be completely nuts. Well, Maleficent notwithstanding. "What should we do with her?"

Lloyd looks at me as though I said something incredibly stupid. "We take her to the Clinic you were at, of course."

"…And just how do you propose we pay for her visit? I mean, I seriously doubt we'll be able to come up with the funds for a visit to the doctor in our current state, and…"

Putting a finger to my lips, Lloyd silences me. Then I remember where that finger has been (the filthy ground) and swat it away.

"Besides, I don't necessarily have time to be running all over the city because she felt like playing the idiot. We're supposed to be meeting with the guys in charge of the Bandit Guild soon," I remind the swordsman.

"The what?" he shouts as me. "Bandits?"

"Hey, don't give me that look," I say to his disappointed face. "I tried going to the more upstanding guys, and they turned me away. Even if they aren't as… ethical as the other guilds, at least they're willing to discuss the Heartless. Honestly, I'm surprised they haven't reached this city yet."

Lloyd sighs and picks Rei up, cradling her against his chest. "Fine, you win. We'll go see these people you feel are so important, but as soon as we're done I'm taking Rei to the Clinic."

"Whatever."

Why does he choose the worst time to be all valiant and heroic? I mean, I know I wouldn't have saved Rei from being attacked, not after all the times she's done it to people. Besides, she was practically asking for it. What business does a fourteen-year-old girl have running around the seedy part of a town she doesn't know? Stupid Rei. I'm too smart to wander off on my own and be attacked by some lunatic in a dark alley: overpowered, drunken Gods with Scottish accents aside.

The trash crunches under our feet as Lloyd and I walk deeper and deeper into the part of Radiata controlled by the unsavoury types of the world. I mean, I've been to other big cities, and I don't remember them having slums like this. This part of the city actually resembles Lindblum after Brahne had Diablos attack it, but I don't really want to remember that time in my life…

On a more positive note, Lily isn't hunting us down. I think Lloyd really did knock her out. Hopefully, this won't translate to another wacko following us around.

Kicking a stray can, I reflect on just how I came to Gaia and realize that I haven't traveled with any of the people I first met in several weeks. Probably months, even, if I were to count the time difference from when I was on Sylvarant. They've all changed from when I first met them. Lloyd's changed a little bit. He doesn't seem to be as easily confused as he did when we first started traveling together. Heck, even Rei has become someone who, while not unlike her, isn't the same girl that used to repeatedly hit on Dagger.

…Am I the only one who hasn't grown up? I've watched people die; I've lied and manipulated people for selfish, petty reasons. I'm the reason Hermione went all evil and killed Fujin. Also, I'm fairly certain that I've gone over this same stuff in my head countless times without reaching a resolution of any sort.

The deeper into the Beast Pit (if that's what this part of the town is called, I can barely remember) we go, the warmer it becomes. Well, not necessarily warmer. The wind just gets cut off rather drastically.

When I see the curly-haired man sleeping in front of a set of stairs, I know that we've reached the Club Vampire. Not even bothering to sneak past the bouncer, I bound down the stairs. Then I wait on Lloyd to descend with Rei still cradled in his arms. Stupid Rei. I never had to have anyone carry me around because my own stupidity got me in trouble. My escape from Ascantha with Raijin and Fujin notwithstanding. Stupid high heels. I still don't know why my other self was a cross dresser.

When I open the door to the establishment, the first thing to hit me is the smoke. I haven't encountered cigarettes or pipes since Earth. Thus, I immediately cough. The five or so people in the bar look in our direction for a few seconds before returning to their drinks. A waitress wearing a dress with only a few tears in the skirt greets us without a hint of a smile.

"What do you want?" then she notices Rei in Lloyd's arms. "I get it. I'll take you gentlemen to the sewers, but it's going to cost you."

As tempted as I am to ditch Rei in as vulgar a manner as possible, Lloyd quickly declines. "Um, we're supposed to talk to somebody, actually."

"…Flau told me that I should come here," I tell the unhappy woman. "We ran across our friend on the way. Do you have somewhere we could put her until we're done?"

Like I'm going to be worried about someone who tried to kill me. If Rei is abducted and held hostage by some random idiot in this city, then I'm not going to be the one to bail her out. It's because of her family that I'm on this continent to begin with.

I'm quite aware that my attitude towards Rei doesn't make me a very sympathetic person. She's just done so much to me to make my life difficult. How am I supposed to just forgive that?

"So, you're Rick?" she asks in a hushed voice. When I nod, she grabs my arm. "Your friends can wait here in the bar. The boss only wants to talk to you."

"He's not going anywhere alone," Lloyd says loudly. Nobody looks at us, though. "We're going with him. Who's to say that we can trust you. You're clearly not the most savoury of people."

The waitress laughs at that. "I've been called a lot of things, kid, and that is probably the most polite one. Come with me, I'll see what I can do. The girl has to stay out here, though. We can't exactly have people walking around our business with bodies in tow.

"Just put her on that table over there. We'll leave her alone."

"You promise?" Lloyd asks.

"You have my word."

Too bad her word isn't worth much. However, Lloyd is naïve enough to go along with it, leaving the unconscious psychopath lying on a grimy table in the middle of a seedy bar. You'd think he'd know better, what with Kratos betraying him and all. Then again, you'd think that I would care about her safety.

Or you might have picked up on my hatred of Rei.

The waitress takes us through a side door, which leads into a game room. There are more people here than in the bar, but not a lot. There's a couple of big burly types playing some sort of dice game, but they have complete butter faces so I ignore them. There's another brute standing in front of a door at the back of the room. When the woman we're following nods at him, however, he steps to the side. When we pass, though, he stops us.

"Hey!" I shout when his hands start patting along my body. "Ever heard of personal space?"

"He's just checking you for weapons."

"Our boss is a pretty important man, and we can't have just anyone coming in to talk to him. And those who do need to be checked for weapons should they want to kill him," the guy says matter-of-factly before moving on to Lloyd. His hands are little rougher with the bruised swordsman, and I swear I even see Lloyd flinch a couple of times. Lily must have put up a tougher fight than I thought.

After deciding that we're sufficiently unarmed, he lets us through the door. The door leads us to a small hallway. There's another door right in front of us, albeit a fancy one, and then there's a set of stairs a little ways down. If I remember correctly, that leads to the basement and/or torture room.

Our still unnamed waitress tells us to hold on while she talks to the boss. She steps into the room, closing the door behind her. About thirty seconds later, she opens the door and beckons Lloyd and me in.

Unlike the rest of this place, the office of the big guy is pretty swanky. And clean. That's one major difference.

"Ah, I take it you are Richard?" A balding man with grey-coloured skin asks from behind the big fancy wooden desk that take up about a fourth of the room. There's a couple of people in here other than us, not including the mystery waitress who has already left. There's a red-headed kid who looks no older than Rei standing in the far corner looking thoroughly bored, and there's also a girl wearing striped pants slouching against the wall just behind the big man.

If memory serves me, his name is Ortiz. Or something along those lines. It's been awhile.

"Rick," I correct the crime lord. When are people going to realize that my formal name is not necessarily one that I want to go by? "And this is Lloyd. He's my lackey."

"Lackey? I thought I was your…"

Slapping my hand over his mouth, I usher Lloyd into one of the two chairs sitting before the big desk. I know we're supposed to do introductions and such, but I kind of want to get this whole thing over with.

"Flau told me you wanted to talk to me about the Heartless?" I ask Ortiz as I take my seat. Lloyd is reluctant to sit, but I stare him down until his butt is on wood.

"You're a rather direct one," the old man laughs. "Yes, if by 'Heartless' you mean those mysterious creatures the knights encountered when they investigated the explosions by the Dwarf village. Is it true that they have no vulnerabilities?"

"That's not entirely true," I sigh as I remember Lloyd and Fujin's attacks having no effect, whereas Rei's magic destroyed them. The look on my compatriot's face shows that he remembers as well. "When we were attacked, one of our traveling partners was a Blue Mage. Her magic destroyed them, but no physical means had any affect. I'm surprised we made it out alive."

Sitting, I listen to Ortiz explain that it was because the Vareth Institute just happened to have been contracted with knights on the job that had them in the area, and that they must have been the ones who rescued us. It's not something I didn't already figure, though.

"So, were they wiped out?" I ask Ortiz. "Did they kill all of the Heartless?"

The old man grins. "No. In fact, over half of the knights and mages there died evacuating you and your friends. Word has it some of them even became those creatures."

Someone obviously has no love for the law in this city. "Is that all you wanted to know?"

This is pretty bad news. The Heartless are still out there. It's only a matter of time until they reach Radiata. And then it'll be like the dwarves all over again. And there really will be no one to rescue Lloyd and me at the last second.

"That's pretty much it," Ortiz replies. Then he drops one hand to his side, just out of sight while rubbing his chin with the other. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lloyd tense up. This can't be good. "Oh, there is one more thing. Do you know a Miss Kuno?"

"You mean Rei? She's out in your bar, actually," I answer without thinking.

"Well, that saves me the trouble of having to hunt her down."

The air explodes from my lungs as the back of Lloyd's hand makes heavy contact with my chest. Before the back of my head collides with the wood floor, I see a dagger imbed itself in the wall at the same height I would've been. Then I hear a crash as wood collides with wood. Lloyd's fingertips collide with my temple as he joins me on the ground. However, he bounds right back up, chair in his two hands, and throws it at something. More likely it was someone, but I'm not going to bother thinking about it.

"Get up!" Lloyd yells as he roughly grabs the collar of my shirt and pulls me to my knees. Then I see that Ortiz is pinned under the desk while the girl with the weird pants is picking herself up out of pieces of chair.

Reaching behind us, Lloyd rips the throwing knife free from the wall and shoves it into my hands. Then he kicks one of the legs on the desk loose, grasping it just before Ortiz flips the furniture to the other side of the room with scary ease.

"It seems Ms. Kodachi was a little less than truthful about your combat abilities," Ortiz chuckles as he pulls a sword out of a sheath at his side. "Nevertheless, business is business. Surely, there won't be any hard feelings after I kill you. What with you being dead and all."

He steps up and swings his sword at my head, but Lloyd pushes me out of the way. I collide into the wall, watching as Lloyd attempts to club Ortiz with the desk leg until it gets cut in half.

Can one day go by without someone trying to kill me?

There's a wordless scream as the redheaded boy leaps at me, knife in hand. I throw my fists up to try to knock him off course. However, he drops his knife and screams. Except no words come out, just a wet gurgle as his hands attempt to pull a dagger from his throat. The dagger that Lloyd had given me and I'd forgotten was in my hands.

Releasing the handle, I stand there stupidly as the kid pulls the knife out of his neck, covering the wound with his hands in a futile attempt to stay the bleeding. His legs give way and he falls. There's a thud as his head collides with the remains of the desk Ortiz had thrown.

Stepping back, I come into contact with the wall again. Covering my eyes, I try to block out the sight of his body twitching violently as he struggles to breathe, but instead I end up with his blood all over my face from it had gotten onto my hands.

"Rick!" Lloyd shouts as he kicks open the door to the little hallway. Ducking under a lazy swing from Ortiz, he rams the remainder of his makeshift weapon into the old man's stomach, momentarily winding him. "Get out of here!"

Turning away from the scene I had wrought, I run through the opening as fast as my legs will allow. My fingers fumble with the knob on the second door, while Lloyd slams the first one shut. I manage to get it open and step into the game room, only to be the recipient of a fist.

Ignoring the blood on my hand, I cover my sore eye and look up into the face of the juggernaut who had been standing guard when Lloyd and I were brought back here. Then he leaves my view as I'm thrown into the middle of the room. Looking over, I watch Lloyd deliver a kick to the guy's abdomen, and them a haymaker to the side of his head while he's bent of and winded.

Of course, this act gets everyone else in the room involved. Not to mention Ortiz and striped-pants girl are here as well.

Scrambling to my feet, I narrowly dodge a thrown punch before someone smashes a mug into the back of my head. The broken glass cuts into my skin, with blood openly flowing down my neck and staining the clothes I'm wearing.

Naruto's not going to want his coat back now.

My face meets the wall, and I hear Lloyd cry out. While attempting to recover, something wooden strikes me across the back. My guess is a pool stick, because the second time it collides with me, it hits my arm while I futilely block.

Someone yells out, and then I'm not being hit anymore. When the pain subsides enough for me to see again, I notice Rei is holding a steak knife in one hand, weaving between blows and striking out with quick, shallow cuts that seem to be enough draw all attention to her.

"Honestly, why do you get the attention all the time?" she asks me as she dodges a thrust from the sword of Ortiz. Her response to his attack is to drive her knife into his forearm and leave it there. Then she kicks his injured arms. "Would you get your boyfriend and get out of here already? I can handle these pinheads."

That's when I see Lloyd huddled in a corner, clutching his shoulder. His shirt is redder than it should be.

"Wake up, Sunshine," I say to him as I grab the taller boy and hoist him to his feet. "It seems our friend has decided to that she's found some new people to play with."

Lloyd looks at Rei, then looks at me and nods. We take off in the direction of the exit. I ignore the people who start after us and block out the sound of Rei screaming in pain.

When we reach the bar, I almost groan as I skid to a stop. Lloyd slams into me, almost knocking us over. Lily stands in front of the doorway. One of her swords is pointed at the young man behind me.

"You bested me in battle. I like that. Now, I would ask for a rematch, but it seems like my sister is in trouble." Brandishing her weapons, she runs right around us and into the game room. I knew I was right when I said all the women on Gaia were total nutcases.

"Let's move," I remind Lloyd as I push open the door to the outside. The cold hits me like a ton of bricks, compared to the sweltering heat of Club Vampire. However, I keep on running, listening to Lloyd's footsteps behind me. I watch my feet as we go up the stone steps, careful not to trip over some random piece of garbage that would send me flying back into the lions' den.

And the bouncer with the afro is still sleeping.

When I ascend the horizon of the stone steps, I blindly look both to my left and my right, deciding which way to go while wincing from the pain. Seeing as how turning left would result in running face first into a wall, I choose to go right and immediately find myself yanked off the street.

"Let him go!" Lloyd shouts as he grabs my arm and attempts to pull me from the grasp of just whomever it is that has decided to take possession of me.

"I'm sorry!" a familiar voice squeaks. "I didn't know they were going to kill you!"

Well, I'm not dead yet, so the grammar in that sentence is rather unusual, but when I see that it's Flau I stop fighting. After all, she was one of the good guys in Radiata Stories. If I remember, she, Rynka, and Gantz were acting like Robin Hood or something. They were members of the Void Community that could be trusted, anyway.

Still, she was the one who told me to come here.

"Calm down, Lloyd," I tell the swordsman as I begin to run after the woman into a nearby alley. She jumps up about halfway through, and grabs a ladder for a fire escape, dragging it down to the ground. She begins to climb it, and I follow suit because I honestly have no other idea of what to do.

You would think that by now I would have an idea of how to deal with overpowered people out to kill me.

Flau stops long enough to slide open a window and slip inside the building of which we are crawling along the side. Slipping into the room with great difficulty, as the glass imbedded in my head makes it painful for me to move it too much, I help Lloyd get inside.

"We don't have much time. They'll find us soon enough. I mean, Ortiz has been pretty suspicious of us for awhile, so I don't see why he wouldn't immediately go to our base," the woman tells us in a rushed breath as she slips through the dark apartment. Lloyd and I stumble after her. "Rynka told me that she blow the bridge of she saw any sign of danger, so we can't dwadle."

"Blow the bridge?" Lloyd asks with a touch of impatience in his voice. It seems he doesn't like not being clued in. That surprises me, because he so rarely has a clue. You would imagine the feeling would be a familiar one. I find myself experiencing it more and more these days.

"You'll see what I mean," she answers as she unlocks the entrance door, flooding the dark apartment with light from outside. This leads us to a balcony of sorts. Taking a deep breath, Flau peeks her head outside before waving me and Lloyd to accompany her outside.

While I'm sure Lloyd is wondering just what the heck is going on, I think I may have managed to scrape together the basics of it. At some point in time, Kodachi (and probably Chal) made it to Radiata where they hired some thugs to take out my little group of barely-managing-to-get-by-ers. Or something along those lines.

We run the length of the balcony-esque contraption (it seems all of the apartments on the building share it, but there is no way to leve it save for going into an apartment), and when she reaches the edge Flau grabs the railing made to keep people from off and uses it to jump to onto an unsturdy-looking platform that connects two other unrelated buildings. I stop moving, but Lloyd keeps going forward and imitates Flau flawlessly.

"Rick?" Flau calls from the other side of the eight foot gap. "We don't have time to hang around!"

As if to reinforce her words, a couple of the people from Club Vampire burst onto the balcony from separate apartments. Then they see me and hightail it my way.

Looking down at the ground that is so far below me, I look back to the guys who are only a few seconds away from reaching me. I climb on top of the railing as best I can and jump over the abyss. And I fall about a foot short of safety. Luckily, Flau and Lloyd each grab one of my hands and pull aboard. Of course, the guys out to kill me decide that they can jump as well, so Flau leads us down the remainder of the platform.

It seems that one of these buildings that this little walkway is attached to is actually little more than a big wooden house (well, more of a shack really), with a smaller one attached on the side. Flau screams something I don't have time to make out, but I keep running while she stops and runs in the opposite direction. Um, lady, you're supposed to run away from big bad guys.

Lloyd and I both reach the end of the bridge-platform thing and wonder where else we're supposed to go, when a woman walks out of the bigger house. In one hand she has a short sword not unlike a ninja. In the other is a lit match. She calmly walks over to the very edge of the bridge and kneels beside it, her blue-purple hair held out of her face by a green bandana.

If memory serves me, this is Rynka.

"Okay, Flau, get your butt over here!" she screams at the woman who saved my life and is currently keeping the two burly men at bay.

Upon hearing her friend's words, Flau delivers a kick to one jaw before turning tail and running with more speed than I ever anticipated. When the bridge explodes I understand why.

"We should be safe for now," Flau tells me through heavy breaths and with a friendly smile.

Then Lloyd stands right in front of her with his arms crossed. "Can you please tell me what the heck is going on?" His voice shows that he isn't exactly satisfied that our the men chasing us down have been blown up. "We're talking with a guy about being attacked on a mountain, and the next thing I know we're running for out lives!"

"That was Ortiz," Rynka explains. "He's kind of our boss, but we operate separately from the rest of the Bandit Guild. We're the 'steal from the rich, give to the poor' types. They're more into assassinations and other dirty business. But I guess saving your lives today kind of blew our cover."

"Kind of?" Flau laughs nervously. "I would say that we have no cover whatsoever now."

Lloyd stomps on the wood floor before looking in the direction we just came from. "That still doesn't answer my question. What the hell is going on around here?"

"I think Kodachi hired him to kill us."

"WHAT?" Lloyd roars at me. He immediately looks regretful when he see me flinch away but doesn't say anything more.

"Remember when that guy, Ortiz, he asked if we knew Miss Kuno. I don't think he was talking about Rei."

Silence settles over the four of us as Lloyd ruminates over what I just told him.

"Who is Kodachi?" Flau asks. "When I was sent out to fetch you, I never heard that name. I was just told that there was a small group of people who had survived an attack by some new, unknown type of monsters and that he wanted to see you."

"And how did you know we were going to be under attack?" I ask Flau.

This time she is the one who sighs. "I figured it out after I saw you, but I figured I would've had more time to get to you. They usually kill people somewhere other than HQ. You guys must be a special case."

Yeah, something like that.

"Kodachi is… let's just say that she's an ex of mine. And now she wants me dead. Because she's completely nuts, not because I did anything to her," I explain to the two women. For some odd reason, I think there's someone missing. Gantz? I don't remember.

"So, you dumped you girlfriend and she decided you were better off dead than with someone else?" Rynka muses. "People like that really tick me off."

"Personal experience?" I inquire. I don't get an answer beyond an evil glare from the bandana-wearing one.

Flau sighs and walks over to the smaller building on the side of the new one. "Rick, you and your friend can stay here until we can figure out what to do with you. It's my house, and kind of small since it's just me, but it's clean."

Aside from her love of contractions, Flau seems kind enough. However, I have no idea what she means by doing something with us. They had better not be planning on chopping me into little pieces and feeding me to the local sheriff or something. Man, it's been awhile since I've seen a Kathy Bates movie.

Anyway, as soon as Lloyd and I get comfortable, I rub the back of my head and wince. It seems adrenaline can make someone forget that they have several shards of glass in the back of the head area. Ouch.

"You alright?" Lloyd inquires as we sit on a red couch in the middle of Flau's one-room home. (I'm going to assume she shares a bathroom with Rynka, because I see no toilet in here.)

"I'm just lovely," I answer sarcastically. "I almost died multiple times in the last week, and now I'm dealing with blood loss from these frickin' pieces of glass stuck into the back of my head!"

Rolling his eyes, Lloyd tells me to shut up. Then he directs me to put my head in his lap. I swear, if he thinks he is getting some, I may just have to make him a eunuch.

"Don't look at me like that," the swordsman chastises. "I'm just going to take the glass out."

Sighing heavily, I do as instructed. His pants smell like trash and blood. They also need to be cleaned badly.

"Aargh!" I scream as the first shard is removed. It's impossible to tell how many more there are, but for the next five minutes I'm in agony. Lloyd occasionally tells me that it's almost done in a soothing voice, but my fingers dig into his legs and thighs nonetheless. These things hurt more coming out than they did going in.

"Here, this should help with the bleeding," Lloyd says as he pulls off the jacket I gave him and holds it against the back of my head. I wince and bite back a sarcastic comment. Flau better not care that her apartment has bloodstains. It is her fault, in the end, so she'd better not give me down the road for it.

"Well, this is great, what are we going to do now?" I sigh as I lean into the less-than-comfortable couch. How can she sleep on this thing? I don't exactly see a bed here, either. "It's not like I didn't exactly have enough people out there wanting to kill me. Kodachi and Chal were bad enough, but Hermione and now the Bandit Guild? I've got to have the worst luck in the world."

Laying his head on my shoulder, while careful not to touch any of my numerous wounds, Lloyd looks up at me. "Hey, at least you have me, right?"

Snorting, I shrug him off. "Yeah, you've done a wonderful job of protecting me so far."

"Ouch," Lloyd winces as he looks at me with a hurt-puppy look that doesn't really work. "You sure know how to make a guy feel loved."

For an instant, I'm no longer in Radiata. My blood-covered clothes and even Lloyd are gone. Instead, I'm in a filthy studio apartment with an artist almost twice my age and he's saying the exact same thing to me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I will the image away but it doesn't work. The sight of his laughing face is burned into my eyelids. I drop the jacket I'm holding and painfully pull my knees up onto the sofa so that I can hide my tears. I don't exactly manage to hide the sobbing, though.

"Are you alright?" I hear Lloyd ask again as the visage of the first man I ever really kissed melts away and I find myself back in Flau's apartment with a concerned Lloyd fussing over me.

Looking from his face to the hand cupping my cheek, I want to smile at him and thank him. However, I scream at him to leave me alone. "Don't touch me!" I shout at the top of my voice as I lower my forehead onto my knees, my tears only increased by the burning in my neck. "Just go away!"

Haven't I dealt with his death enough already? Haven't I had to deal with death in and of itself enough for something that happened months ago to not hurt as though it just happened? I mean, I killed someone today! It was someone who's name I didn't even know! I watch the life drain from his face: a kid who was even younger than me. And these people I'm traveling with, they've all managed to deal with death, they've adjusted to this kill or be killed world that I'm still struggling to adapt to.

Maybe if I did die, Hermione would come back to her senses. Perhaps I wouldn't have to look at Lloyd's hurt face whenever I decide I've had enough of the darkness behind my eyelids. Kodachi and Chal would drop their vendetta and stop trying to kill all of my friends.

Sighing the umpteenth time, I finally look up and open my eyes, careful not to look at Lloyd. My gaze fixated upon the door, I stand up and walk outside, ignoring Lloyd when he asks me where I'm going.

I breathe the cold air as I step outside. The wind would make my eyes water if they weren't already. There really isn't much point in ruminating over the same old things again and again. I walk over to the railing and look down. It's a long fall. it would probably break my neck.

Good.

Shutting out all of my doubts and other thoughts, I hold tight onto my belief that things will be easier for everyone else. It has to be. Even if this world isn't the same one that I played on my Playstation, I can't help but think my involvement in everything was for the worse. And even now, when I'm trying to keep from getting involved and worry only about myself, things still aren't working out. When I help people, they end up hurt or dead, and when I run away they still end up hurt. The best thing is to remove myself from the equation. They may be bothered initially, but everyone will get over it. It's not like I was a great hero. Or even a good friend.

Not even bothering to stifle the tears or sobs of pain, I climb up onto the snow-covered railing. Honestly, I'm surprised I never slipped off all the platforms and such I ran across to get here.

"Rick, what are you doing? You're going to fall!"

That's kind of the point. Stupid Lloyd.

Not even bothering to look at him, I step off the railing and fall towards the ground below. Looking up, I see Lloyd leaning over the rail with his arm outstretched. I don't even have the energy to reach up to him.

"Oof!"

Are you kidding me?

Looking around, I see a familiar-looking redhead giving me the evil eye. Then I feel something moving under me. Oh, someone broke my fall. It figures that I can't even kill myself properly. What good am I?

"Do you mind getting off?" I hear the person under me ask. Then my blood really does drain from my face. Okay, despite my attempt at suicide gone awry, I could've dealt with Kodachi, Maleficent, Kuja, and the other assorted evils of this world without going completely insane. This one, though, may be out of my power…

Scrambling off the body that (unfortunately) saved my life, I pray to myself and every god that I can think of that I'm wrong. This can not be happening: not here, not in this life, too.

She stands up, her long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail on the top of her head and resting on her left shoulder. Her clothes are something right out of Final Fantasy X-2, being overly feminine without being totally skanky. (Unlike poor Rikku, who turned into a complete and utter prostitute.) There aren't any weapons visible on her, and her traveling mate is similarly unarmed. However, there is no mistaking it. I know who this woman is, and she is the greatest evil to ever walk on two legs.

"Tessa, are you okay?" she asks her friend before looking at me. "You need to be more… RICK?! Is that you?"

Too afraid to answer, I just stare up at her with wide eyes. My body (especially my neck) is wracked with pain, but every tendon and ligament in me is frozen with fear. This is not good.

"Rick, I know that's you. It's me, Raquel. You know, Raquel Malone; we were friends on Earth!" she chirps happily while I scream and writhe in internal agony.

This cannot be happening. Not only is Raquel Malone here, but it's the one from EARTH! How is that even possible? It's not. No way. I really did die, and this is my private torture chamber in Hell. Why else would she be here? It's the only thing that makes sense.

"Rick, are you okay? You're bleeding," Raquel says in a voice filled with obviously fake concern as she nods to the redhead girl who I figure is named Tessa. "Hold on, we'll get you patched up."

Bending my head forward without any concern for my well-being, the girl named Tessa grabs a handful of snow and smashes it into the open cuts on the back of my head. When I start screaming, she tells me to shut up. And she then lists off a bunch of big words I don't understand, but I do recognise disinfectant. But I'm not playing living in the world of the Oregan Trail, so how can that disease possible kill me? Stupid dimensional travel being all confusing.

"Tessa will have you fixed up in no time, Rick. She was a medical student at the famous Shikon Academy!" the annoying blonde girl gushes. "That's where I ended up after receiving that note and the weird sword."

What is she talking about? Seriously, I have to be in hell. There is no other explanation that's even remotely feasible.

"Oh, you probably don't know about that, do you?" inquires the girl who knows that I have NO CLUE what she's dithering on about. "About a month ago, I got home from cheerleading practice and found a note on my bed, along with a sword that had the weirdest blade. It was shaped kind of like a key. Anyway, the note said to seek you out, saying something about some place called Shikon Academy and that the 'key' would unlock the door there."

Wait a second. Is she seriously rubbing her making the cheerleading squad in my face while we're both on GAIA? What is wrong with this girl?

"So when I picked the sword up, this weird light shot out of it and a doorway appeared on my wall. I don't know why, but I opened the door and the next thing I knew I was in this world where I knew nobody. Thankfully, I was already at Shikon Academy, but there was something like a war going on. A girl named Lilka saved me from being cut in half, and that's when I learned that you and were there. And so was a girl named Hermione. Can you believe it? Her name was just like that girl from the Harry Potter movies!"

Okay, they're books, NOT movies. How much longer do I have to listen to this stupid girl?

"Listen when someone talks to you!" Tessa commands as she punches me in the back of the head.

Raquel chastises her friend after I finish screaming.

"…sorry about that Rick. I honestly didn't expect her to do that. She normally doesn't attack the people she's treating," Raquel apologizes. "Anyway, when things died down at the Academy, I asked their Headmistress about you, and she said that you went with some soldiers or something and that I shouldn't get involved."

"That's when she went looking for you and I went with her because she's stupid enough to get herself killed and I honestly didn't want to be at that stuck up place anymore. The place was full of pricks," Tessa adds in.

Kneeling in front of me, Raquel looks into my eyes. "Enough about me, though. What have you been up to?"

"Rick, are you okay?" I hear Lloyd's worried voice echo.

"He's fine!" Raquel answers for me. Then she turns to me and giggles. "He's a cute one. Where'd you find him?"

"You can't have him!" I scream at her. "HE'S MINE!" She may stolen the cheerleading position and the TV show from me, but I will be DAMNED if I let this uppity bitch take Lloyd. The MCoDs are suddenly back in the mood to do some real physical harm.

Looking shocked, Raquel kind of back away. "I… uh… well, I don't exactly want him, but good for you, Rick."

Oh, she doesn't want him all of a sudden? "What kind of game are you playing? What's so wrong with Lloyd that you don't want him? Sure, he's dumb as a box of rocks and has the occasional temper tantrum, but I don't see you doing any better? And I don't buy this Keyblade stuff. What are you really doing here?"

Tessa chooses that moment to punch me in the middle of the back. "Be nice, you stupid moron."

"I'm not up to anything, Rick? I'm just here to find you and help you with the, um, what did you call this thing? A Keyblade?" Raquel stands up and out of the ether appears a sword with a long blade then ends in the shape of, well, an old-fashioned key. So she was telling the truth?

"Well, bully for you, but how exactly are you supposed to help me? The person who most likely had that before you, he probably died helping me out. I was there when it happened." Well, technically, it happened while I was at Reala's place with Lloyd, but whatever.

"I don't know," she pouts, "but I'm going to figure it out."

Then I hear another far-off voice shouting my name. Well, mine and Lloyd's. I look up to see Ortiz and a bunch of his goons standing on the other of the bridge that Rynka blew up, and Ortiz is holding something up. Or, rather, someone. I can't be too sure, but I think it's Rynka's son Cody.

"Oh boys, are you there? I'd like to talk to you," the old man laughs. Lloyd stops looking down at me to address the Bandit Guild, and I huddle as to the nearest wall as I can to avoid being seen. "Why, if it isn't the young hero. Where is your friend?"

"Like I'm going to tell you that, you murderer," Lloyd screams at Ortiz. The commotion causes Rynka and Flau to run out and see what's going on.

"CODY!" Rynka screams when she sees her son, but I don't hear him answer. "What did you do to him? Cody!"

"He's fine, for now. The little fellow is just taking a bit of a nap," Ortiz tells the mother before pulling out a dagger and holding against the boys face. "Although, if I don't get what I want, his slumber could be just a tad bit more permanent."

"Let him go, Ortiz," Rynka warns as she draws a blade. "He has nothing to do with this."

"He's just a little kid!" Lloyd shouts at the old man.

"I'll put him down kindly, Rynka. I'll even forgive you and Flau for betraying me. All you have to do is take that pretty sword of yours and drive it through the young man there in front of you, and then do the same for the other one. I know that you have both of them hiding in that little shack of yours."

"Ortiz…" Flau cries angrily.

"PUT HIM DOWN!" Rynka screams at the top of her voice as she launches her weapon straight at the older man. He deflects it simply with his own.

"Don't say I didn't give you a chance," he calls out mockingly before moving his dagger just under Cody's chin. Then he drops the boy on it. His little body twitches before being flung into the expanse between the two parties.

Rynka gives off a death wail and Flau has to grab her to keep her from jumping to her death to get her dead son.

…And I thought that these people would help me? Oh my god.

Unable to control myself, I start vomiting. When I finish, I look up and see that Ortiz has his eyes locked on me.

"Oh, Rick, there you are." Then he turns to his goon squad. "Boys, go kill him for me. And while you're at it, kill his friends staying in town. The people have of this city has looked down on the Void Community for far too long. It's time to teach them just who is in charge, and it isn't those fools in the castle."

"This is wonderful," Tessa sighs as she looks back at me. "What'd you do to tick him off?"

TCBT

Well, there you are. The latest chapter of TCBT. It kind of speaks for itself. Oh, before I forget, I am running a new poll in my profile, so be sure to stop by and vote!


	40. Running Away

Chapter 40: Running Away

A/N: Well, this is hard for me to announce, but I figure you guys will figure out sooner or later. I'm leaving FFnet. This website was once a place you could go to in order to read some well-written works and meet people and make new friends. However, in its current incarnation, it's barely a shell of what it was when I joined back in February of 2006. It seems like you don't need grammar or even the most basic of writing skills to be popular, and when someone with them does come along they get ignored because they dare to try something different.

I'm sorry, but wasn't fanfiction created just so you could alter the story, change the way things go? It's gotten so bad that I don't even go around looking for good stories to read anymore because I know that there aren't any. And nobody is willing to improve, because that would mean admitting that they aren't as good as they believe they are.

This is the last time I'm updating this story here, any new stories I write will be put up on nfiction (there's a link in my profile page), and I honestly hope that when I do update this one you'll choose to read and review it over there. Thank you. Also, there's another new poll in my ffnet profile page. Don't expect it to be updated too often, though.

TCBT

I never went to the church looking for help before. There must be a first time for everything, I guess.

After running for our lives, and watching Tessa use her fists to beat the crap out of someone who may or may not have been following us (I don't think even she was sure about that, or cared…) I used my memory of this city to take us to the closest place capable of offering shelter. And since the Vareth Institute had turned me away once already, I went to the Olacian Order.

Kain did his whole "we'll do what we can to help you, and the great goddess Olga will surely aid you in your life's endeavours" spiel and then had his big purple assistant guy (Fernando? Rocco? I don't remember, and nobody said it) take us to one of the rooms in the church.

So here the three of us sit, staring at one another and completely unwillingly to speak. Well, I am anyway. I'm surprised Raquel is saying anything. She likes to ramble on and on about completely inane and useless subjects. Stupid Raquel and her utter stupidity and useless and lack of knowing when to not be annoying and grow up.

Anyway, I'm thinking this Olga thing is a big deal. Even if she is from a cartoon I watched when I was ten-years-old. Stupid Nickelodeon. Why is she a goddess, anyway? It's not like she was actually perfect or anything. She was really that cartoon's Raquel Malone. An evil, self-absorbed, whiny, stupid, little tramp with no fashion sense that everyone liked because they were too stupid to know better.

But in this world Olga is a god and Raquel is a Keyblade bearer. Why couldn't King Mickey have picked someone better? Someone who wasn't made of pure evil?

"Rick?" Raquel breaks the silence softly as she looks at me from across the room where she's sitting with a calmly sleeping Tessa. "Is it always like this? Gaia, I mean."

"Only when I'm involved," I snort sarcastically. She's been here a month and hasn't picked up that this world isn't all sunshine and roses? She never noticed that the Mist Continent is undergoing a world war led by a woman who makes Rosie O'Donnell look like she's on Jenny Craig? I'm stuck here with a certifiable genius.

"Come on," she says in a pleading voice. "Doesn't it bother you at all that a little boy was murdered right in front of your eyes?"

"It would bother me more if that was the first time I saw someone die."

She gives me a sad look. "I'm sorry, Rick. I didn't know. Things have been that hard for you?"

Do I look like I need your pity? Do I want you to try to make me feel better? Why don't you just go away?

Of course, I don't get the chance to tell her those things because a body flies into our room through a big stained glass window. I instinctively cover my head with my arms. This isn't the first time I've experienced this kind of thing, but the feeling of the glass imbedding itself in my arms and shoulders still hurts like hell.

Peeking out form under my arms, I see that Tessa is awake and grumbling as she picks a few shards out of her legs. Raquel got the brunt of it, though. There's a deep gash on her cheek and blood is running freely down her face and neck. She does seem to still be conscious, though, because I hear a lot of quiet sobbing. I'm actually surprised that she hasn't screamed.

A peek out the window shows a figure clothed in black and purple running away before jumping over a nearby brick wall.

"Oh God!" I hear Raquel scream in pain.

Ignoring her own superficial wounds, Tessa checks out her friend while I wrap my arms around myself and debate whether I want to stay by the cold, broken window or approach the body that ended up showering us with glass.

Picking the larger pieces from my skin, I stumble over to the person that was launched into the room and nearly lose it.

Dagger. Somehow or other, they got a hold of Dagger. Her clothes are torn to shreds, and the crotch of her pants is stained with blood. Kneeling next to her, and holding my hand over my mouth to control the inevitable sobs, I look at her face to see that it's smeared with blood and dirt, with obvious streaks from she had undoubtedly cried while they...

My eyes trail back down to her pants and I really do start sobbing and gagging.

After tending to her rather annoying friend, Tessa comes over to check on Dagger. "What the hell happened?" she asks me as she reaches out to feel the body, only to have it shrink away.

"… please… don't…" a tiny voice whispers.

She's still conscious? Oh my god. She wasn't just attacked. Somebody raped Dagger and then threw her in here as a taunt!

"I'll kill them, I swear," I whisper to her as I move my hand in the air over her broken body. The tears sting at the corner of my eyes. "I will kill all of the damn bastards."

"…don't," she pleads as she curls into an even tighter ball. "All…"

"I'm at least telling Zidane," I assure her as I stand up while Tessa begins to fuss over her despite the protests. Dagger does break into audible sobbing, though. Anything she might have tried to tell me in completely unintelligible.

Suddenly, the door to our room is thrown open and everyone recoils in fear until we see that it's just the old shrimp Godwin and his apprentice Rebecca. I was kind of hoping that Kain or Fernando when I drug Raquel and Tessa here, but the only ones in the church were these two; and Anastasia with her posse, but I really don't want to get involved with that.

"What happened?" Rebecca shouts when she sees Raquel hunched up against the wall with a very bloody face, Tessa hovering over a sobbing Dagger, my pissed off self, and the broken window.

"She was attacked," Tessa explains as she begins pulling some cloth and potions from an interior jacket pocket. "She was thrown through the window. She can't stay here, the cold isn't good."

"I'll take her to my room," Godwin says, making me wonder for a split-second whose room we are in right now. He turns to me. "She's a friend of yours? Did you come with anyone else?"

It takes me a few seconds to see what the wise old man is thinking, and the blood drains from my face. When I came here for help, I told them about Rynka, Flau, and Lloyd being left behind while we fled, but I never mentioned Dagger, Zidane, or even Rei.

"…there are other people. A few, but they're all seasoned warriors. They'll be fine, right?"

Godwin stroked his chin before lifting a heavily resistant Dagger into his spindle-looking arms. "Tell Miranda where they are. I'll watch over this one."

"Don't touch me!" I hear Dagger sob as she fights against the old man's unnaturally strong grip. "Put me down."

He walks out of the room, leaving Miranda and I to stare at each other, while Tessa follows Godwin, and Raquel remains thankfully silent.

"They were… they are staying at a small place near Theatre Vancoor," I tell Miranda with what little hope I can muster. "They are fine, right? I mean, they're all good fighters."

"This is the Void Community. They're professional assassins. You're lucky to be alive right now," she tells me sadly. "The place you're talking about, it resembles an abandoned house from the outside?"

"Yeah," I nod.

She gives me a sad smile before running and leaping out the window.

"Rick?"

Hearing my name in that irritating voice, I turn around and see Raquel standing up. She has her hand covering one eye while the other is pressed against the wall for support.

"Are you… could you please tell me what is going on?"

Closing my eyes, I see that red-headed kid from Club Vampire clutching his throat. "I killed someone today. Many times, I've watched my friends and loved ones die, often because of something stupid I did, but it was the first time I killed someone. And while I do feel bad, I don't feel awful. It doesn't tear me up inside to know that I ended the life of someone younger than me. Some mother out there just lost her son because of me. And I don't regret it. Because if it weren't him; it would be me."

"What are you talking about? You killed someone?" she gasps as she steps back in shock.

"I don't know about you, Raquel, but I've been here for months. Countless times I've suffered physical and mental abuse, trauma that not even a soap opera inflicts on people, and yet I want to stay here. I'm not going back to Earth. This world isn't perfect; in fact, it's probably worse than Earth in most respects, but I'm staying here.

"I'm staying because I love the people I've come to know. That girl just now? She's a princess on the run because her own mother wants her dead, and I once got into a nasty fight with her, but in the end she's my best friend. I can't even remember the name of my best friend on Earth anymore. Do you know what that's like? The life I lived wasn't really mine! This is! And piece by piece, it's being taken away from me!"

By this point I'm screaming and Raquel's mouth is in open shock.

"I can't go back there! You can't rescue me, because I don't need rescued! The people that chased us here wanted me dead because they have a client that put a hit out on me, but I killed one of them today in self-defence. Now it's probably a matter of revenge. And the one person who stood by my side in all of this is even more of a sitting duck than we are now! The Void Community knows I'm here. They beat and raped my best friend just to prove that point!"

I don't even feel the tears until Raquel walks over to me and kindly wipes them from my face with her non-bloody hand. Then I angrily swat her hand away.

"I don't want your damn pity!" I scream in her face. "You don't get to comfort me or make me feel better! On Earth, all you did was make me feel like crap. And now you show up here, in my new life, with a frickin' KEYBLADE and some bull about being sent on a mission to protect me and bring me back to a world full of people that hate me?

"Screw you." I huff.

Angrily, Raquel lowers her hand from her face and I see the deep gashes right below her eye and along the side of her cheek. She slaps me.

"No!" she shouts back. "You had it good, Rick. Maybe some people treated you poorly, but I was only ever nice to you. And you had plenty of people that would've been friends with you if you weren't such a self-absorbed snob. Sure, Earth isn't perfect, but no place is. If you keep running away looking for a paradise that doesn't exist, you're only going to get more lost and more confused.

"And don't talk to me about how hard you've had it. Yeah, I haven't been here as long as you, but it hasn't been a cakewalk for me, either. Tessa is the only person that's helped me find you. On more than one occasion I've gone hungry so that I can afford to keep chasing after you.

"Whatever problems you have with me having that weird sword and coming to help you are what's bull. I don't know why you don't like me, Rick. I'm a good person. I don't go around judging everybody. When you started coming to school in dresses and the football team jumped you, who do you think called 911 and waited with you until the ambulance showed up? Who traveled across an entire continent just to make sure you're okay because of something she read in a letter?

"…and don't even try to compare how you were treated on Earth to how I was treated."

My eyes narrow and my fists clench. "You were treated rather well, I should say. You made the cheerleading squad instead of me; you were the beautiful, popular one; you got the TV show; and you're a destined hero. I'm just the loser that can't do anything right. Hell, I couldn't commit suicide to save my life, thanks to you!"

"…what?" Raquel's eyes screw up in frustration. Then they widen in realization. "When you fell on me today…"

"Yeah, you interrupted me killing myself," I scream at the top of my voice. "All you ever do is get in my way and act superior. I never asked you to come here. You can go back to Earth now, bitch. I don't need you here to protect me."

Raquel looks at me with a forlorn expression on her face. "What happened to you, Rick? When I knew you before, you weren't this bitter. You weren't this vindictive."

"People change," I spit angrily. "And until you've seen your best friend vulnerable and broken at your feet, watched the body of someone you could have been in love with being pulled out of rubble, until you've walked a mile in shoes, I don't ever want to see your face again."

With that, I turn on my heel and storm out of the cold room.

Everything is falling apart around me. Everyone I know and care about is either dead or bearing emotional scars that'll probably never heal. And if I hadn't insisted on following Zidane and Dagger onto the Prima Vista, if I hadn't forced myself on the trip to Burmecia, if I hadn't so many other things and made so many other mistakes, I wouldn't be where I am right now. I wouldn't be waiting to find out whether or not Zidane and the others are dead. I wouldn't be running for my life from an organized crime group. All I want is to find Lloyd and hold him as tightly as I can and have him tell me that everything is okay. That he'll protect me.

That won't happen, though.

Covering my face, I slide to the cold stone floor with my back against the wall. This is sadly hilarious. A large portion of my life was wrapped up in videogames and anime, with a pinch of manga, because my reality was horrible. And then I find myself in one of those worlds I was engrossed in, and it's full of those people I longed to be friends with. Things are supposed to be a lot happier than this. Aren't I supposed to be running around, slaying monsters with my awesome sword skills and generally having fun? Then why am I sitting in a frozen church trying not cry and feeling sorry for myself while my best friend has to deal with being raped? Why am I being so outright mean to Raquel just because she gives me an inferiority complex?

Why am I always harping on about the same old thing?

I stand and walk down the hall until I reach the sanctuary. There's nobody about. Not that it's a big surprise, given the whole terrible blizzard going on outside. Plopping down on one of the pews, I hunch my back and fold my fingers in front of my face. This is a church, so I should probably pray for guidance or forgiveness or something. But who am I supposed to pray to? God? Hyne? Olga? Zeus? Nah, I'm better off wandering about aimlessly than I am putting my faith in someone who doesn't even exist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being the Ryudo of this world. As long as I don't have a Melfice running around, that is.

After a few more moments filled with silence and blasphemous thoughts, the entrance door to the sanctuary is kicked open and I instinctively duck down out of sight. Would the Void community actually try to attack me in the middle of a church? Isn't what they did to Dagger enough?

Peeking my head down the aisle, I see that it's just Rebecca. And she has someone in her arms wrapped up in what appears to be a blanket or maybe a sheet.

"Hey!" she cries out. "Could somebody help me? I found one that's still alive!"

Still alive? Does that mean that… the others are all dead?

I climb to my feet and run down to meet Rebecca. My neck, the cuts from the glass, and even my Heartless-inflicted stab wound all ache but my hope overpowers the pain.

She lies whoever it is on a pew and asks me to watch him while she gets some things to help stop the bleeding.

Him? So, this isn't Eiko. Why am I so happy to learn that a little girl was murdered?

Holding my breath and wiping away tears, I hold my trembling hand out over the face that's covered by the blood-stained blanket. Peeling the fabric back I pray that the person Rebecca managed to save is…

DAMN IT! I only want one thing from life, for one person to be spared, and I can't even get that? Why the hell is this idiot still breathing and he isn't? These guys weren't even involved with me anymore! I could understand if they killed Lloyd or Rei, if they haven't already, but why the hell did they kill Zidane?

I clutch at Naruto's jacket desperately as I start sobbing and hiccupping for the umpteenth time. Sure, he hated me and we weren't friends anymore, but Zidane didn't have to die because of me.

"…was a massacre," I hear Rebecca telling someone as she re-enters the sanctuary. "There was a little girl there. They literally ripped her apart. I thought I was going to be sick."

"Someone should inform the King," Godwin's wheezy old voice replies. "Rebecca, this old man needs to do something to help you young folk. Stay here and take care of these children."

A gentle hand is laid on my back. I almost tell Lloyd to go away, but then I remember he's not here. Turning my head, through my blurred vision, I see Raquel leaning over and looking at me sadly. And I grab her leg.

I don't care if she annoys me and I hate her guts. I just need somebody, anybody, to tell me that things will be fine. I need to know that this is all a dream and that I'm mad at Naruto right now because he's alive instead of Zidane.

"He should be fine. He probably won't be able to fight for awhile, but I saw worse injuries at the academy," Tessa's cold voice tells Rebecca as she examines the unconscious blond boy.

"Fine?" I shriek as the top of my voice without letting go of Raquel. "FINE? You think he'll be fine? Well, good for him, but what about everyone else? What about my friends that were viciously murdered? Are they going to be fine?"

The bottom of Tessa's foot finds itself in my face, and I end up sprawled on the floor.

"Tessa!" Raquel chastises. "Stop it."

Flaring her nostrils, the redhead crosses her arms and looks down on me. "Why should I? I heard what he said to you. You're my friend, Raquel, and anybody who treats you like that is somebody that I'm never going to like."

Wiping my eye with the backs of my hands, I sit up and look at Naruto's horribly disfigured face. He'll probably never look the same again.

"Did I ever ask you people to come here with me?" I scream at Tessa in a high-pitched voice. "Did I ask you and your friend over here to follow me when I took off and left Lloyd behind at the mercy of the Void Community? No. She just decided that she knew best and that I needed your help. Well, I don't. I do NOT need the help of an egomaniac who thinks that she is the final say in anything. Or her violent friend."

Tessa walks over to the entrance doors and pushes it open. That's the third time those doors have been used in the five minutes. "If you don't like it, you can leave. Or you can shut the hell up and behave. Which is it?"

As much as I want to storm out and tell these two to screw themselves, I know that leaving is suicide.

So I sit down on the pew across the aisle from Naruto.

"Good," the medical student sneers. That's a nice bedside manner, lady. She's uncovers Naruto and pulls out a pocket-knife. Slowly and with acute deliberation, she cuts his shirt off and pulls a potion out from her jacket interior.

"He can't use that. He's unconscious," Raquel reminds her friend.

Smiling, Tessa pulls the cork out of the top of the glass bottle anyway. "Well, that is the most effective way to use it. But it can be done externally as well. It just reduces the effectiveness significantly. I suppose I could just wake him up and make him drink it, but he'd be in severe pain and it would probably send him into shock.

"I'm honestly surprised he isn't in it now."

"Naruto's a pretty tough kid," I shoot at the know-it-all.

There isn't even so much as a glance in my direction when Tessa answers me. "You think I don't know that? I went to school with Naruto. I know all about him. Well, not all, but definitely more than you."

I highly doubt that. Unless you know he was most likely in love with Sasuke. But that's something that I never did find out about on Earth. Stupid on-going series.

Stretching my legs, I wonder how Dagger is doing. I really want to go see her. Something tells me that she'll want to be alone right now, though. I just don't know how to approach her. I've never been a rape victim. I've only ever been on the receiving end of Kodachi's unwarranted advances. And there was the time I had sex with that man who was really Maleficent pretending to be my mother, but it was completely consented to, unfortunately.

"She's fine."

Looking up, I see Rebecca smiling at me from her perch up near the altar. Her dark brown hair and tan skin separate her from everyone else I've seen in this world. They're all so pale. Her hands are held behind her back.

"Your friend, that girl, she's fine physically. They didn't do too much damage to her. But her mental state is something else altogether. I'm honestly surprised that she was thrown in here. Usually, girls in this city who are raped end up dead in the sewers. That is the Void Community's preferred way of getting rid of the bodies. You can't smell them for the sewage, and there's little to no light."

The last thing I want to hear about is how those thugs get rid of their dead bodies. What I want to know about is how Lloyd is doing. Heck, I even want to know if Rei made it out okay.

Did I just admit to caring about Rei? That's surprising, considering we've done nothing but fight ever since we first met. She's one of the few people I hate more than Raquel. Rei flirted with Zidane openly in front of me, knowing full well that I could never have him, and then when I did get someone I could have, she did everything in her power to try to take him. Not to mention that she fully supported her sister trying to force me into marriage. Rei has been nothing but a pain to me. So why do I care about her well-being? Because she risked her life to save mine and Lloyd's back in Club Vampire? Because she attacked her sister and Chal on the day they killed my father so that Lloyd and I wouldn't have to die, too?

I hate grey areas. Moral dilemmas are supposed to be for people with the moral fortitude to do the right thing. Once, just once I'd like to be able to claim to have done the right thing. I can't even think of one example. All that comes to mind is the numerous times I screw up. Driving Hermione to Maleficent, leading Michael on, and now, because of my inability to actually face Kodachi, Zidane is dead. And not just him, but also Eiko and Quina. Not to mention Rynka's son, Fujin, Raijin, and who knows who all back at Shikon Academy.

Whatever role I'm playing in life, I'm not suited for it. All I'm good for is telling people what colours go together and whether or not they should buy a certain pair of shoes. I've been nothing but dead weight. And that's all I was on Earth, too. Why should I change just because I'm somewhere new?

Raquel told me that I used to not be like this. I told her that people change. Only, I haven't changed. Not really. I'm still the whiny, needy, self-absorbed person I've always been the only difference is that instead of lying about everything and trying to manipulate people, I'm being open and honest and I've learned that my attempts at manipulation end up as little more than another notch on my belt of failure, so to speak.

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I seriously whining about myself again while Dagger is more than likely reliving her most traumatic experience ever and Naruto lies unconscious, bloody and scarred just because he was associated with me?

I take off the coat that keeps back the cold. Looking over at the unconscious young man, I bow my head lean over the aisle to lay it on the floor beside him. He might as well get it back now. It's not like I ever gave Michael back his coat.

I'm starting to thing that I actually won't ever be over him. Michael was my first kiss. Maybe even my first love, even if it was incredibly brief. So what if he was in his thirties and on Earth he would've been arrested for pedophilia? I'm the one who went after him. I invited him to the ball as friends, I went off on him for showing up late, and in the end I'm the one who didn't say "no" when he kissed me.

Yep, another notch on the ole belt of failure.

Raquel's eyes are glued on me while her friend pours small amount of potion on select parts of Naruto's body. Rebecca disappeared back into the hallway I had left after Raquel and I had our fight. She's probably looking over Dagger.

"Sorry," I mutter quietly.

"What?" Raquel asks as she cautiously steps towards me. Tessa's head stops still and swear her ears perk up. I do not need another boot in the face.

"I just apologized. I guess I was kind of out of line earlier," I tell Raquel. It is the truth. Even though everything I said was true, it was neither the time nor the place to have that particular discussion.

She smiles and hugs me. I fight down the urge to jerk away at her touch. "It is okay, Rick. I can tell that you've been under a lot of stress since coming here."

I wish it were only stress. There's also the psychotics exes, evil Heartless leaders and their buck-toothed apprentices, Kuja, and now apparently the Radiata version of the mafia to deal with. My life is just so freaking lovely, isn't it?

We sit in silence a little longer, Raquel deciding to sit beside me and inform me of everything that happened between when she thinks I left, and when she left. And if what she's telling me is true, then it's been quite awhile.

"Raquel, how old are you?"

She looks at me oddly. "I'm eighteen, you should know that. I've only been here a month."

"Well, you were sixteen when I came to Gaia," I inform her. So, at least two years have passed in the time that I've been on Gaea. Go figure. Stupid inter-dimensional time laws and stuff. "For the last two years, you weren't talking with me. You were talking with someone else, another Rick."

"Oh my god," she gasps. "Rick, I didn't know. It's just that the way you talk, you've only been here a few months..."

"I have," I confess. The look of confusion on her face is one reason I hate Gaea for not having cameras. Seeing this little skank looking clueless is a memory I'll treasure forever. "I met someone once, someone who knew things about me and why I'm here, and she told me that every world runs separately on time or something like that."

"So, how long have I been gone?" she wonders aloud. "Is there someone else living my life right now? Hanging out with my friends and doing my homework?"

"You mean to tell me that you haven't ever thought about this before?" I ask her in shock. "Well, seeing as how you're a Keyblade bearer, I kind of doubt the whole being replaced theory is a part of your situation. If the Kingdom Hearts games I played mean anything, then you actually aren't on Earth. Which may not be a bad thing, as Maleficent told me that she actually wants to use the Heartless to start taking over the worlds. And the only thing effective against the Heartless is your Keyblade.

"And magic, but I don't know too many people to use that these days."

"Kingdom Hearts?" Raquel asks nobody in particular. "My brother played that game. I never knew you were into videogames."

I actually laugh at that. "When you have no friends or any prospects of ever making any, you find ways to fill your time. I just happened to pick beating up Disney characters with underage Japanese kids. Or whatever nationality Sora, Riku, and Kairi are supposed to be.

"...actually, I don't even know if they actually exist. I mean, King Mickey showed up and you got his Keyblade, so all signs point to 'yes,' but up until a month or so ago I didn't even know that he was real. I thought I was just living in a messed up version of Final Fantasy IX."

"What?" This time, Tessa chooses to speak. "What are you dithering on about over there?"

"Never you mind!" I tell her in a huffy voice before ducking under the empty potion bottle she launches at my head. It hits the wall and shatters.

"Gee, you have great tastes in friends," I tell Raquel in a whisper so that Tessa can't hear me. She kind of giggles and covers her mouth.

I honestly have idea of what I'm going to do now. Everyone I know is and love is either dead or on the verge of it. Well, except for my friends and family in Lindblum and Ascantha, but this isn't about them. This is about the people who just lost their lives. And the ones before it. Why is everything so twisted? Granted, the majority of us are teenagers and we're little more than hormones at this point in our lives, but where is that lone voice of reason at? Where is the person who is supposed to know exactly what to say and do to make everything perfect? Where is the freaking Mary Sue of this world? Why are we just running around doing little more than trying not to die while everyone kills each other off?

This is supposed to be FFIX, not Battle Royale.

"Tell me what all happened Rick," Raquel requests. "I want to know everything. Even if you don't want to go back to Earth, I can still help you out while I'm here."

"Do you even know how you're going back to Earth?" I ask the girl. "Don't you miss your friends and family?"

Her voice dips slightly when she speaks. "Friends, yes. Family? Not so much."

I wonder what's up with that reply. Before I can ask, she presses me on what all is going on. My mouth is only open two seconds before I'm interrupted.

The door to the sanctuary opens YET AGAIN, and a figure that's little more than bruises falls inside. Before I can make out who it is, a girl with black hair dashes inside, grabs her companion by the collar, and kicks the door shut behind her.

"What the hell are those things?" the girl screams in panic. I recognise the voice as Lily's, but I didn't know she was capable of outright fear like this. Kodachi never showed any signs of it, and she was outright nuts.

"They're…" Rei answers softly. Honestly, who else would Lily be hauling around if not her "little sister?" She sees me and her eyes widen. "He knows! They were up on the mountain!"

On the mountain? What the heck is she talking about?

Then we hear screams from within the bowels of the building. My first thought is that Dagger is freaking out, but there's more than one voice. Regardless, I stand up and wince from my many cuts and scrapes and occasional stab wound. Raquel helps me maintain my balance.

"I'll stay here with them," Tessa tells us when she points at Lily, Rei, and Naruto. "You two see what's up."

Nodding at her friend's order, Raquel holds her hand out to her side and I watch her key blade appear. Then she looks at me expectantly. "Where's your weapon? Did you lose it?"

"…I kind of never had one," I admit foolishly. Would it have been that hard for me to learn how to defend myself? "I'm a civilian through and through. All I have is the MCoDs."

"The what?"

Shaking my head, I start headed into the direction of Dagger's room when I hear even more screams. Then I ignore my pain and run.

We pass the room we were in and Raquel throws open the door to the room I assume they took Dagger to. I wouldn't know, because I haven't seen her since Godwin walked off with her.

"AAAAHHH!" Miranda cries as she holds cradles the stump that used to be her right arm. The room is swarming with Heartless. We watch in silent horror as she tries to fend off the creatures, both of the normal and armour clad variety with no effect before they overwhelm her. She disappears under their black bodies and seconds later I watch as they separate and there's another Heartless in the room. Then they turn their sights on the sleeping Princess.

"SAVE HER!" I scream as I push Raquel in the room. The Heartless stop and, almost as if they sense the presence of the only weapon that can destroy them, turn in our direction.

Biting her lower lip, Raquel grips her Keyblade with both hands charges into the room swinging wildly. One, two, three Heartless disappear on contact, but it's only the regular ones. The Heartless with armour and swords seem to be brighter because they step away from her obviously untrained strikes.

While they're all concentrated on her, I slide into the room along the wall until I reach Dagger. Squatting beside her, which is awfully painful if I might add, I attempt to shake her awake but it has no effect. They probably drugged her. Great.

I grab the tattered remains of her clothing and start pulling her across the floor until the Heartless realize that I'm here. One or two of them abandon the assault on Raquel and come charging at Dagger and me. My first instinct is to ditch the princess and run, but my feet seem to be glued to the floor.

One strikes me in the left shoulder with its sword and I cry out in pain. The other swings at Dagger's prone body but is blown apart by a blast of fire before it can.

"Whoa! I can use magic?" Raquel exclaims before blasting the Heartless that had attacked me with a small bolt of lightning.

The weapon disappears along with the Heartless. However, the wound remains and I clutch at it with my right hand to try to staunch the bleeding. It doesn't work. My vision blurs because of the tears, and I lose sight of Raquel.

Once again, I'm useless under pressure and someone else is fighting for me. Now would be a perfect time for some latent powers to suddenly manifest and save the day…

Damn it!

Removing my hand from my latest wound long enough to wipe my eyes (and more than likely smear blood on my face); I see that Raquel has cleared the room of the invaders. She runs over to us, seeing the blood running freely down my arm and staining the floor as well as the shirt I'm wearing, and her eyes bug out.

"Are you alright?" she asks in an obviously worried tone.

I could be snaky, but instead I tell her to concentrate on getting Dagger out of here. Raquel listens and banishes her weapon and grabs the princess and begins to haul her out of the room.

"Can you make it?" she inquires. Her eyes are filled with concern.

With a wave, I tell her that I'll only be a minute. Then a wave of pain goes through my body and I grab my shoulder with a sob. Raquel starts to walk to me, but I scream hatefully that she should worry about Dagger first.

"I'll be right back to help you," the girl promises before putting a hand under each of Dagger's arms and dragging her to the safety provided by Tessa and the others.

As soon as the sound of Raquel moving Dagger's body vanishes, Heartless start climbing back out of the floor. I'm not at all surprised. What does surprise is the woman that comes with them.

"My, my, I thought she would never leave. It's been ages since we've spoken, Richard."

"It's Rick," I cough and grunt through the pain. "What do you want?"

Maleficent glides over to me and runs her finger along the outline of my face. "All I want is your little friend's new toy. Is that so much to ask?"

TCBT

A/N: Yes! Another one bites the dust. Thank you "Write or Die!" Seriously, if it weren't for that, you guys probably wouldn't even have this chapter right now. This should be the advent of a new experience for me and my writing. At least, I hope so. I also hope that you guys like this story enough to join me (and another, special fanfic author, Tabansi232) in the migration to a new site.

P.S. This is the THIRD chapter I've had to repost because Ffnet effed it up! Now do you see why I want to leave?


	41. Still Alive

Chapter 41: Still Alive

A/N: Yes, I'm well aware that a lot of you hate me now, you wonder what's going to happen since the game's main protagonist is dead, and cursing that he didn't even get closure with Rick. Well, you know what? Life's messy and this story isn't about Zidane. So, hopefully you can look past your anger and enjoy the rest of the tale.

TCBT

"This was a triumph," Maleficent says as she leans down and place her face mere inches from mine. It takes everything I have to meet her eyes. Her hands begin moving, as if imitating writing something on a piece of paper. "I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS!!"

A coughing fit hits me and my body spasms in pain. My fingers involuntarily dig into my shoulder and I let out a small yelp.

Maleficent glides out of the way before I can cough on her, sadly.

"You know Rick, it's hard to overstate my satisfaction. You've performed your part admirably well," she laughs while directing her Heartless to surround the perimeter of the room. She doubles the amount at the door and window that could be used as entryways or escape routes.

My part? "What?"

She clucks her tongue and shakes her head. "You see I've been very busy as of late. Hermione made a mistake when she killed Fujin, but it's okay. Because we still had you." She waves her hand and a black pedestal appears at her side. It has two plates with a fork on each, and there's a sizable cake coloured to match the platform it rests on. After cutting herself a piece, she asks me if I'd like one.

"You can take your cake and shove it when the sun don't shine," I wheeze while wondering what's taking Raquel so long. She should have been back by now.

Apparently seeing my eyes continuously darting in the direction of the door, Maleficent smiles. It creeps me out. "She might be awhile. The building in general is filled with Heartless, not just the room. If she's lucky, she might make it here in time."

"Why are you doing this?" I scream at Maleficent in a broken voice that is clearly on the verge of tears. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

She shakes her head again. "It's the story of all people, Rick. We do what me must because we can."

"For the good of all of us," I counter.

"Except the ones who are dead," she says in a cheerful voice that stabs me in the gut and twists my insides. Not literally mind you, but it sure does feel like it. "But there's no use crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake."

With that, she takes a bite of the pastry she's been holding.

"What are you talking about?" I'm seriously confused again. Why are evil villain people always so darn cryptic?

"Didn't I already tell you? I've been going about this in the completely wrong way. I've been using the Heartless and fighting the Keyblade to get nothing but failure. What if I were to take control of the Keyblade, though? Combining the two powers, surely I could rule over not just the Kingdom Hearts, but over all realities.

"And it's all thanks to you and that foolish king. Why would he choose someone with no experience or knowledge to be his successor? That girl is pathetic. Almost as pathetic as you. I am offering you a deal, though. Help me, and I'll take you out of this cold and miserable world. You could be just like Hermione: a god among men."

"Go ahead and leave," I spit with venom. "I think I'd prefer to stay inside my cold and miserable world. Maybe you'll find someone else to help you? Why not ask Raquel yourself?"

Maleficent winks at me and my insides immediately turn to ice. "Because she's clearly not that type of girl. Unlike you, she has a strong will that refuses to be broken. But looking in your eyes, I can see it all too well. You're hurt. This world, existence in general, it frightens you and hurts you and you are indeed broken. Come with me, Richard. I can make it all better."

"I'd sooner starve to death."

"Starve?" Maleficent laughs as she looks at the baked treat in her hands. "Rick, this cake is great, so delicious and moist! If you come with me, you would never have to starve."

"No…" I scream more at myself than Maleficent. This is the woman who ruined my life. Everything is her fault! "NO! You're lying to me! The cake is a lie!"

Her amusement doesn't fade from her face at all. "I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. You know, when I look out there, it makes me glad I'm not you. If you had come with me you could have had a wonderful life, but instead you've chosen pain and misery."

"Go away!" I scream again at Maleficent as tears start pouring down my face. "Just leave me alone. I hate you. I hate you and Hermione and King Mickey and Raquel and everyone. I hate all of you! Everyone else dies, why won't you?"

"Rick, I feel fantastic and I'm still alive. Why would you try to hurt me like that? I'm your mother," Maleficent coos as she changes into the form of Aerith. Now she's just toying with me. "You're my beloved son. And even if you do burn me, I'm glad. I'm glad I got burned, think of all the things we learned for the people who are still alive."

"Who's still alive?" I whisper as my shoulder begins aching fiercely and my head starts to pound and my heart race from the blood loss. "Nobody is still alive! They're all dead because of you! I hate you!"

"I'm not even angry," she says in a loving voice that I know is fake. Maleficent is enjoying this. "I'm being so sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart and killed me."

"You're not my mother! She's dead. She died after you took me to Earth, and she's been dead for years! I had nothing to do with it!"

Dropping the act, Maleficent reappears in her own form. "You know Rick, while you're dying I'll be still alive. And when you're dead I'll be still alive. Then again, you won't be alive much longer, anyway. I would say that it's been nice knowing you, but you haven't been a very pleasant person."

She then vanishes in a dark vortex and the Heartless focus their attention on me and me alone. One of them knocks over the pedestal and the cake falls to the floor.

Grimacing, I hold my shoulder and attempt to back away from the creatures but the wall is kind of in my way. And what did Maleficent mean by saying that I'm not pleasant? She's a frickin' villain, and she's judging me on how I treat people? Come on! This is a joke, right?

My vision starts to dim in and out, probably because of the blood loss and the pounding in my head soon overwhelms even the pain in my shoulder. I feel the claws digging into my arms and legs, cutting open new wounds. Then I hear an explosion.

Unable to see what's happening, I just listen to several grunts and a few times there is even a blast of either severely hot or extremely cold wind in my face. I feel through the fog in my mind someone pressing at my shoulder, but even that barely registers through the pain behind my eyes. Then I feel my mouth being forced open and glass scrapes against my teeth. A cool, refreshing apple-tasting liquid makes its way over my tongue and down my throat.

"Hurry up! I don't know if he'll even be able to walk!" I hear a brutish, feminine voice call out. Tessa? Why would she be worrying about me when there's Dagger and Naruto to take care?

"We're doing the best we can," Raquel answers while my head begins to clear and my senses return to me. My shoulder still hurts like hell, but the darkness covering my eyes begins to fade and I can see the image of two fuzzy figures running through a dwindling force of Heartless. Two? But I thought only Raquel could use a Keyblade? Unless Kairi or one of the other two showed up while Maleficent was trying to mess around with my head.

"Are you okay?" Tessa asks me while shaking me a tad too roughly, as my renewed acuteness alerts me to my painful shoulder wound. Not to mention the ones that already existed, like the stomach stabbing and the neck thing from earlier. "Rick? Answer me, you idiot!"

"Ow…" I moan as I begin blinking away the remnants of the fuzziness in my eyes. When I can finally see I again, I do see Raquel running through the greatly diminished ranks of the Heartless, swinging, firing off magic, and using the occasional yet nonetheless clumsy block that I still wouldn't be able to pull off.

What does surprise me that the other person is Lily. She's jumping, twisting, and generally slaughtering the opposition; and she's doing it with two REGULAR swords! How is this possible? I've watched fists, daggers, and even a chakra, go through the things without any effect whatsoever. How is she pulling this off?

"Quit daydreaming and move your butt," Tessa orders as she forces me to my feet. Not expecting the sudden movement, I gasp in pain and my legs nearly give out, but she manages to hold me up without falling herself. "I doubt that blue-haired friend of yours is coping too well with the other two by herself.

Hauling me out of the room, Tessa half-carries and half-drags me down the hall and back to the sanctuary. I'm trying to walk with her, but she's moving at too brisk of a pace and even the slightest movement sends twinges of pain throughout my body.

We come into the sanctuary, which has become a mess while I was gone as several windows seem to have exploded both inward and outward and several pews are either destroyed or flung out of place violently. Sitting on one of them is Rei, with the sleeping forms of Naruto and Dagger flanking her on either side. She has a single lit candle in her grasp.

"It's a mess back there. How're you holding up?" the redhead asks the other girl.

Looking about wildly, Rei breathes slowly before speaking. "We're fine inside, but I looked out one of the windows and the whole town seems to be crawling with those things. I watched them take down all kinds of people, knights, peddlers, everybody."

"Crap." Tessa walks me over to the undamaged pew and unceremoniously drops me onto it. I hiss in pain and choke back a yelp, instead choosing to send her a dirty look. "This isn't good. We've got three useless people and only two that seem to be able to hurt them."

While she speaks about Raquel and Lily, I see Tessa unconsciously rub her forearm and notice that the fabric from her shirt is torn and seems to be a bit darker around the gouged fabric than anywhere else.

"What're we going to do?" Rei asks in a whisper, her unsteady breath shaking the flame atop the candle.

"How should I know?" she answers with a sigh as she pushes her bangs out of her eyes with her hand. Then she looks at me. "Do you have any ideas?"

Unfortunately, I don't. "They're just going to keep coming after us. Raquel has the Keyblade and they're attracted to it, not to mention I'm here and their master kind of wants both of us dead."

"Both of you? Why? Because you're from Earth?"

"Something like that," I answer coldly. I really don't see why I need to answer to her. All she's done since we've met is insult and attack me, both verbally and physically.

"Earth?" Rei cocks her head and looks at me. That actually reminds me of someone. My "twin" sister on Earth, maybe? I can't really remember…

"This idiot and Raquel are both from another planet," Tessa explains, incorrectly if I may add, while clapping me on the shoulder. The shoulder that was stabbed!

Screaming, I shrink back from Tessa and hold my shoulder with my other hand.

For her part, Tessa just shrugs. "Well, if nothing else, we should just leave the ones that can't walk behind and try to make a break for it."

"No…" I growl threateningly while looking at Dagger. "We are not leaving these two to become Heartless! If you'll recall, I just found out that everyone else that was with them is dead! I'm not leaving them again."

"Fine, you can stay and die with them," Tessa snaps angrily. "I'm not arguing this with you."

Then I hear someone calling out my name. At first, I think it might be Raquel, but she and Lily run back into the sanctuary out of breath and I still my name.

Standing up, I wander over to the nearest of the broken windows and look out. Bear in mind that it takes me awhile to get there.

"Rick! Where are you?" Lloyd cries out as he runs through the street filled with Heartless and the various people trying, and failing, to fight them off.

"Lloyd!" I scream despite the pain. "Over here!"

He looks in the direction of the church and I assume he sees me because his face lightens up, but then something jumps on his back and knocks him to the ground. Unsurprisingly, it's a Heartless.

"LLOYD!" I scream at the top of my voice as I shuffle away from the window and towards the door. Before I'm halfway there, Raquel reaches me and I'm already in tears.

"Rick, what's wrong? Who were you yelling at?"

"…Lloyd," I gasp through the tears and pain. "I don't… I can't…"

She looks at Lily and speaks loudly. "I want you to watch out for these guys. I'll be right back."

Gripping her Keyblade tightly, she runs to the door and kicks it open. Then her blonde self disappears into the chaos of the street.

"Raquel!" Tessa screams as she stands up and runs after her. "You're going to get yourself killed, you idiot!"

I'm stuck standing in the middle of the room staring at the door and completely unable to stop the tears running down my face. Rei walks over to me and gently puts an arm around my midsection, careful to help me back to the pew. She sits me down before looking at the still open door. Then she throws her candle to the floor.

"Damn it! If I weren't so useless we could easily get out of here! What the heck? Rei could use magic, so why can't I?"

Huh. I thought Rick was the only person that referred to himself in the third person. Go figure.

Lily wanders over to Rei and licks her cheek. The blue-haired psycho looks at the other wacko and smiles.

"Thank you." Then Rei proceeds to hug Lily.

What in the world? That is just wrong on so many levels. Oh so many frickin' levels. That's like George Bush getting a third term as president or watching Revolutionary Girl Utena with a Catholic priest. There are some things that just shouldn't happen. And THAT is definitely one of them.

"Help!" a young voice screams. Everyone's attention turns back to the door expecting to see Tessa or Raquel, but instead it's a couple of kids. Rather young kids, actually. Probably no older than twelve. There's a boy with light brown hair and a bowl cut running around with a girl that has long black hair. Clutched in the girl's hand is an umbrella and she's brandishing it like a sword, swinging it wildly like a sword at the offending Heartless that is creeping up on them. Of course, it has no effect, but when Lily chucks one of her swords at it and strikes the creature through the head it really doesn't matter.

"What… where did you get those swords?" I finally ask. "Lily, how can you do what nobody else can?"

"I stole them from the Vareth Institute. Why do you care?" she asks rather flippantly before walking over and retrieving her sword. Then she looks at the two frightened children. "Are you waiting for someone?"

They don't answer. Rather, they just run into the alleged safety of our abandoned and ruined church. I can only assume that Anastasia and her ilk are dead, because we haven't seen or heard from them at all. Or they're hold up and thinking that they're safe. It doesn't really matter, I guess. It's only a matter of time before we all die like Zidane did…

"What's taking so long?" I scream as I look at the window I'd watched Lloyd through. I've already lost enough people. I can't lose Lloyd, too. I'm sick and tired of always losing people! Why can't it be the bad guys who die for a change? Why can't we ever win one?

As if to answer my question, the wall that houses the window I watched Lloyd from explodes. Concrete and glass rains down on everyone. Part of the ceiling comes tumbling down as well as there's no longer a wall there to support it.

Shaking the stone powder out of my hair and trying to rub it out of my eyes, I hear someone near me groaning. When the stinging leaves my eyes and I can actually see again, I see Lloyd, Raquel, and Tessa strewn amongst the wreckage. The pew I'm on is relatively unharmed. Naruto and Dagger are both out of it. The kids aren't so well off, as the girl has a large slab of stone on one of her legs that's got her pinned down and the boy is lying near her and unconscious with a large, bloody gash on his forehead.

Rei and Lily are both fine, despite the fact that the swordswoman has her weapons at the ready and there are large pieces of rock surrounding them. The blue-haired girl is crouching behind her psychotic friend.

Lily adjusts her stance before charging, but some invisible force knocks her back. Then I look in the direction Lily was attacking. Any blood that may have been in my face is suddenly gone.

"ACCIO!" Hermione shouts at the top of her voice as she points her wand at me.

Being summoned through the air by magic is a very odd sensation. There's no jerking behind my navel like a Portkey. Not that I've ever used one, mind you. It's just… I'm being pulled without the sensation of being pulled. One second I'm one the pew with Dagger and Naruto, the next Hermione has my throat in a deathgrip and my shoulder burns like a volcano going off.

"You do not get to be alive while she's dead!" Hermione shouts as she turns and thrusts my back into one of the remaining walls. She jams the tip of her wand into my cheek. I stand on my tiptoes despite the immense pain I'm in to avoid the wooden danger, but it has no effect as she's taller than me to begin with.

I would say something to her, try to talk some sense into her stupid head, but her vice-like grip cuts off my air supply.

"Why does someone like you, an utterly despicable person who doesn't care about anybody else get to live while she dies because of your stupidity?" the witch spits in my face. My body tenses in response, causing my shoulder to shoot sharp pains throughout the rest of my body. I gag on a sob, but the tears still flow freely down my cheeks.

How am I able to still be crying? Shouldn't my ducts be empty by now or something?

Hermione pulls me forward before slamming me back into the wall. "Answer me! Why aren't you dead yet? Why does the damned devil continue to protect you? Everything you touch turns to dust! Everyone you meet either ends up dead or miserable!"

"Stop it!" Lloyd shouts as he climbs to his feet. "Leave Rick alone! I don't know what…"

He doesn't get to answer because she jerks her wand away from me and points it at Lloyd. A bolt of lightning flies out and hits him in the chest, knocking him back onto the top of the rubble. Then she turns back to me.

"I don't know how you made it out alive last time, but I'm done playing around. I don't know why Maleficent didn't just kill you when she was here, either. Why are you the one always able to get away by the skin of your teeth? Why do the fates conspire to keep you alive while they cut thread of life on someone innocent?" She screams as she holds me at arm length and points her wand at my midsection.

I don't hear what she whispers, but a red jet of light shoots from the tip and hits me in the stomach like a well-aimed fist. My body soars through the wall and the air, something happening far too much today, and I land in the freezing snow. My shoulder continues to be a pain as I grab it and roll around in agony while chunks of stone fall around and on top of me.

Hermione stomps through the fluffy whiteness, ignoring the Heartless as they pass her and begin descending on the church building.

"I hate you, Rick. I hate you more than you'll ever know," she says in a shaky voice that is probably unrelated to the frigid climate. She points her wand at me again and I watch her eyes water as her face screws up in a combination of hate and regret. "Avada ke… AAH!"

Stumbling slightly, Hermione turns and looks back in the direction of the church, only to be hit with a fireball that sends her flying. Sitting up very painfully, I watch as Raquel and Lloyd come running towards us, Tessa hot on their heels. Lily seems to be staving off the initial wave of Heartless descending on the church.

"Are you okay?" Lloyd huffs when he reaches me. Raquel stops briefly before looking at Hermione and gripping her Keyblade tightly. Tessa doesn't stop at all.

My voice refuses to work. Rather, I break down into a blubbering mess and claw at his pant leg with my functioning hand. He leans down and lifts me up into his arms. I clutch him and bury my face into his red shirt. The pain in my shoulder worsens as he runs through the snow, weaving in and out of the Heartless. We reach the church once more, and he sets me down on the floor.

Lily kills off the last of the Heartless and watches as Tessa kicks Hermione in the back while Raquel blasts her once more with a fireball. The witch flies within ten feet of the decimated wall. Unsteady on her feet, she stands and two Heartless climb up on either side of her. Closing her eyes, Hermione reaches out and quickly taps each one with her wand before getting hit with a blast of ice magic courtesy of Raquel.

While they're concentrated on Hermione, I watch the Heartless transform. They double in height and their fingers begin to shorten and round out. Their features become much more humane. In the span of a few seconds, they take on the form of two young women.

Melinda Kurt draws her short blade while Lilka readies her wand. Meanwhile, I freak out because Melinda should so not be here and Lilka is supposed to be at the Shikon Academy.

The scantily clad Melinda charges in our direction while Lilka directs her attention to the duo attacking Hermione. Raquel sends a fireball at Lilka without a second thought by pointing her Keyblade, but Lilka intercepts it with a blast of ice. The two meet in the air and harmlessly cancel each other out.

Melinda, on the other hand, gets right in Lily's face and smacks it with the flat of her blade. Leaving me alone, Lloyd runs to Lily's defence and punches the offender in the side of the head. Her body spirals out into the snow. As she stands up, dozens of Heartless join her.

Did Lloyd just physically harm a Melinda-shaped Heartless? What the heck…

The Heartless charge at the Church. Lloyd and Lily intercept them, and Lloyd attack flies neatly through the Heartless while one of them claws a large tear in the chest of his shirt. He falls back, but Lily begins slaughtering them. She can't get them all and some end up slipping through their defences. Until Raquel blasts them with her magic that is.

However, the bearer of the Keyblade doesn't do so well when she gets a face-full of magic from Hermione. Tessa catches Raquel before she can fall, though. The two nod at each other and run at the witches. Lilka points her wand at the ground and a stalagmite juts up from the ground, but both women run up it and use it as a launching point to soar through the air and towards their prey.

Tessa's shoulder slams into Lilka's upper body, and both tumble to the snow-covered ground. However, several Heartless immediately descend on the duo. Meanwhile, Raquel swings her Keyblade downward at Hermione. The witch blocks with her wand, but the wooden catalyst shatters and a large explosion rips through the city.

While the ones fighting somehow manage to stay on their feet, I tumble head over heels into a broken pew and grab at my shoulder while hissing in pain. This is so not going to be a good day.

Now that Lloyd and Lily are both preoccupied with Melinda, the Heartless are converging on the more vulnerable of us with great haste. I look to Rei, hoping she'll finally use some of her magic, but she's just staring at her hands and muttering unintelligent things to herself. Naruto and Dagger are still asleep.

Then I hear the screaming. My neck snaps and I wince, but I see that the Heartless are actually already in the church. The little girl is still trapped in the rubble and the black monstrosities are climbing all over it. She's waving her umbrella about frantically while the boy cowers in a nearby corner and covers his eyes. I can barely hear his muffled sobs.

I shout for someone to help, but the battling quartet can't hear me over the sounds of their own fighting, and Rei doesn't seem to be responding to anything at all. Grunting and choking back sobs, I crawl over to the girl and grab onto her umbrella with my good hand. Her eyes meet mine and I see the fear that has pervaded them.

Tugging, I attempt to pull her free while the Heartless descend on her and take notice of me as well. Her screams become anguished cries as they begin tearing into her with their claws. And while I'm struggling to help, I can already tell that it's fruitless. I whisper an apology and let the umbrella go. Then I close my eyes so that I don't have to see her face anymore. And when her screams stop, my body begins to heave as I attempt to vomit up food that I haven't eaten.

Shortly after the silence invades my mind, it's broken again by more screaming. My screaming to be precise, because now that they've claimed the little girl as one of their own they've decided to move on to me. Painfully, I thrash about but they just ignore me since my flailing limbs just pass right through them. I feel those claws begin digging into me again just like they did up on the mountain. My shoulder breaks open and starts bleeding again.

Screaming every word I can think of and several more that I'm sure don't even exist, I find my movements slowing due to the blood-loss, malnutrition, the "weight" of the Heartless, the pain from my old and new injuries, blah blah blah… Let's just say that I can't move much.

"NO!" I hear Hermione scream at the top of her voice. There's a clap of thunder and an explosion. Then the Heartless on top of me vanish in a burst of bright light that scorches my clothes on leaves long burns on several exposed parts of my skin. Crying from the varied pains, I don't see Hermione until her foot connects with my chin and knocks me on my back. "NO! I'm going to kill you. Not them! Not her!"

Okay, I have no clue what she's babbling on about because her words are barely registering through the pain. I am aware of the sensation of involuntary movement when she grabs me by the tattered remain of my shirt and jerks me up so that we're face to face. Then she strikes me in the face with an ice-covered fist that bites through my skin and leaves my jaw and chin shreds of flesh and blood.

"You don't get off that easy! She's dead because of you!" Hermione cries in a broken voice. Who is she talking about? Who's dead? "You damn coward! Because of you they killed her. They killed so many... She..."

Then she screams again, only in pain instead of fury. Through my bleary vision I can barely make out a red blob behind her. "Call them off and leave Rick alone! He hasn't done anything to you."

Lloyd...

"He's done everything to me," the witch scoffs through gritted teeth, pain laced throughout her words. "Everything that's happened to me is his fault, because he's a damn liar. And I can't call the Heartless off because I'm not the one who summoned them."

She needs to seriously stop blaming other people for her problems. I don't do that. Of course, I also can't participate in this conversation because I'm pretty sure Hermione broke my jaw.

"I don't care. Do something!" Lloyd screams at her in that angry and impatient voice I forgot he had. I've seen the sweet and stupid Lloyd for the most part. "Tell whoever did this to stop it!"

Hermione laughs before spitting up blood on my face. Gross. "Do you honestly think Maleficent will listen to me? Because after I kill Rick, she knows that she's next. I'm not the villain here. He is. Now pull your sword out of my shoulder."

That seems to be a popular stabbing place today.

"Let him go, I'm not warning you again."

"Warning?" Hermione seethes as she drops me back to the rubble- and snow-covered ground. "You think you scare me with your archaic weaponry?"

"I'm not trying to scare you."

Looking up, I blink rapidly through the pain in time to see Hermione use the hand that had previously held me grab the foot of so of sharpened steel protruding from her body. Then electricity leaps from her fingertips and into the weapon. Lloyd jerks for a few seconds before Hermione releases the sword in a shriek of pain.

A kunai is sticking out of her hand. All three of us look over toward Dagger and Naruto. The blond ninja is sitting up, albeit while panting heavily, and holding another one of the projectiles in his hand.

"Damn it!" the witch curses. Then she closes her eyes as if concentrating. A second later, she vanishes with a loud crack. Unfortunately, the Heartless do not.

A moment later, I feel strong hands pulling me up into a sitting position before I'm enveloped in a brutal and crushing hug. Apparently, Lloyd is unaware of the whole stabbing incident.

"It's okay, Rick," he tells me in a whisper as he gently rubs my back. As much as I want to answer him and enjoy his comfort, I'm in a lot of pain and we're still kind of surrounded by Heartless. Not to mention the probable broken jaw. Stupid Lloyd.

"Quit screwing around," Tessa orders as she shoves Lloyd away from me. She leans down, grabs me by the arm, and hoists me over her shoulder. "It's pointless to stay here. We're going to make a run for it, you frickin' idiots."

She's such a kind person, this violent psycho.

TCBT

We ran. To be honest, I knew we were, but I kind of passed out not long after Hermione left us to die. And when I came around, everyone seemed really down despite the whole being alive part.

"Quit moving so much," I snap at Naruto before wincing. Tessa said that my jaw had dislocated, not broken like I'd thought, and popped it back in place without even thinking of offering me a potion. It hurt. A lot. Have I mentioned how much I do not like her?

"It's cold," he replies before snuggling up against my bruised back. Ow. Stupid Naruto.

Despite the fire outside, and the blue-haired nymphomaniac and her equally psychotic Kodachi look-alike who volunteered to keep watch, I don't feel safe and can't sleep in the tent I have to share with Naruto and Seya.

Who's Seya? That little kid we rescued back in Radiata, of course. Raquel told me that he has yet to actually say a word to anyone. Being surrounded by complete strangers probably doesn't do much to help with the trauma of watching everyone and everything you know being destroyed by the Heartless.

I never did see Dagger, despite the fact that she was finally awake. She's been holed up in a tent all by herself, leaving Lloyd to share the remaining one with Raquel and Tessa. And I do NOT like that scenario. That gold-digging tramp is probably throwing herself at MY swordsman right now. Stupid hussy.

As the blond ninja turns and decides that the kid might be a more receptive source of body heat, I try to convince myself that making it out of that city was a good thing. Sure, Hermione, Chal, Kodachi and possibly a few members of the Bandit Guild are out there waiting to see me dead, but... Actually, I fail to see how any of that can be regarded as anything but worst-case scenarios come true.

Anyway, everyone was really weird. Except for Tessa. She was as evil and rude and bossy as ever. Lily kept an arm around Rei's shoulder at all times and frequently rested her forehead on the younger nut's temple while smiling. So she was as creepy as ever, I suppose. Looking oddly pale, Raquel kept asking me questions about Hermione, the Heartless, and this world in general in hushed whispers that I ignored.

I concentrated on Lloyd instead. Mostly, it was because he wasn't hovering all over me like he usually does whenever I get injured. He sat in the group but didn't acknowledge anyone, instead opting to go to bed before anyone else.

And when I asked where the tents came from, Rei produced my satchel from... well, I don't want to know where she was keeping it. But when I asked for it back, Lily took it, cut it in half with one of her swords and threw it on the fire, saying that it was a bad omen or something equally stupid until I hit her in the head with a handful of snow and referred to her as many, many different types of prostitutes. If Rei hadn't stepped in (albeit half-heartedly), I probably would've ended up like my satchel, but I didn't care too much at the time.

Even with all of that, though, nobody smiled and laughed like they would have before. In fact, Rei never once made a lewd comment or insinuation before everyone turned in for the night.

Lifting my head, I look at the silhouettes of the two less-than-sane people set against the dim remnants of our fire. I can't make out much, but I do see Lily pull a sword from one of the sheathes on her back and Rei hug her. Freaks.

TCBT

A/N: There you have it, one of the darkest and most depressing chapters of this story. The beginning was fun though, in a creepy sort of way. What'd you think?

As for for Seya and the girl he was with (Chiba), I figure most of you guys won't know who they are. They're both characters from a manga called Hourou Musuko. I highly recommend it. Because I'm sure you live and die by my recommendations.


	42. Plot? What Plot?

Chapter 42: Plot? What Plot?

A/N: After nfiction gave me a scare, it had me convinced I needed to go back to ffnet. And I've become slightly addicted to fooling around with my computer. I had a Linux/Vista dual OS. Because I'm cool like that. The only downside is that Linux doesn't work with my Zune or my laptop's built-in wireless.

TCBT

The Lifa Tree is big. I mean, a tree the proper size for James's stupid Giant Peach would be like a blade of grass compared to this thing. It easily dwarfs Alexandria and Ascantha, and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that it's bigger than even Lindblum. How did the people of the Mist Continent not know that this thing existed? Are they blind?

"It's hot," I gasp as I fan myself with my hand and lean against Lloyd for support. My body is still suffering from various aches and pains, making me feel like some kind of teenage geriatric. It's not fun at all. In fact, it hurts. A lot. Did I mention the pain? But it's been two days or so since we ran out of Radiata and I'm getting used to it a little bit and figuring out which movements cause the least amount of ouchiness. If that is a real word. If not, I guess I still really don't care.

"Deserts tend to be hot," Tessa snarks. I hate that girl. Why couldn't she have stayed behind in Radiata and, I don't know, died or something? "Until nightfall anyway, then it gets cold."

I really don't see how that was necessary. I wasn't speaking to her. And I know that deserts get cold, contrary to popular belief. In fact, a tundra is a type of desert. I think; maybe it was the Kennedy household that was the frozen wasteland.

"Knock it off you guys," Lloyd says in a calm voice as he closes his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. "We are here for a reason, and it's not to squabble. We're here to... What're we here for again?"

I shrug because I really don't know the reason. It probably isn't to hunt down Kuja and save the world, because something tells me that thought process probably died alongside Zidane and the others. I figured it was an exercise in general evil on the part of Tessa and Raquel. Being evil is what they do best. When they aren't being annoying and acting superior, that is.

"I think it has something to do with the Mist," Naruto speaks up. "I mean, this is the place the Mist came from, and we did kind of kill that evil undead tree thing. Right?"

Dagger doesn't answer his question. I'm not too surprised. When you take into account the trauma she's been through, it actually makes sense that she wouldn't say much. I actually seem to recall her losing her voice in the game when Alexandria was destroyed by Bahamut and Kuja's weird eye-shaped airship.

It kind of makes me wonder if that Necron guy is running around or not. I mean, I never made it to the part of the game where you fight him, but... someone I knew on Earth did beat it and tell me about it. Who was it?

"Well, I guess the smart thing to do is split up into three groups," Raquel suggests as she eyes Lloyd in that evilly trampish way she has. "Tessa can stay here and take of the wounded, Lily and Rei can scout out the base, while you and I travel up the trunk. We are in the best condition to do so, after all."

"Sounds like a good plan," Lloyd agrees.

"Sounds like a stupid plan," I argue. This is getting ridiculous. "Have the nympho and the psycho play around the tree roots while you go after my man in the safety of a giant tree? I think not. We don't even know what we're after. We just came here because Radiata and the Dwarf Village were so overrun with Heartless that we couldn't make it to the southern shore."

"Rick..." Lloyd starts as he pinches the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb.

Lily, however, decides that she would like to interrupt. "Don't you dare talk about my man like that!"

"Gee, I'm sorry, but when did your crazy self go after my boyfriend?" I mock the girl with the sharp swords.

Then Rei hisses something at her that nobody can understand, apparently including Lily as she grabs the blue-haired girl and pulls her to her side. "This is my man, you idiot."

Then I laugh. "That's not a man. That's barely a woman!"

Rei doesn't say anything back at my insult. She doesn't even look at me.

"You have got to be kidding me..." I groan as I sit down in the dirt and sand. "You're not serious? All of a sudden you expect us to believe that you're a boy? It's explains the lack of boo..."

My sentence goes unfinished because of laughter that overtakes me at the utter ludicrosity of the whole thing. If ludicrosity is a real word, that is.

This is utterly ridiculous. Is there nothing this girl girl won't do to get attention? Really?

"Quit laughing!" Lily screams angrily. "Stop!"

Then I look at Rei and see that she's crying. Like anyone is going to fall for that.

"I've known you for several weeks now, we've traveled together, and you never mentioned it," I say to the girl as I wipe my eyes while holding back some painful chuckles. "If you're a man, then I'm the next President of the Unites States."

Everyone looks at me, and it's not with humour in their eyes. Naruto and the little boy who doesn't speak look quizzical, Lloyd and Lily are both pretty ticked (why Lloyd cares I don't know), and everyone else just looks embarrased and awkward. Am I the only person not falling for this crap?

"I seriously recommend you stop now," Lily advises as she unsheathes her blades. And you know what? I'm not scared. I think I've been chased by enough psychos to have lost the ability to care.

"Then tell your girlfriend to stop lying," I counter.

"I'm not lying!" she screams in a broken sob that is so fake she might as well be hired to work on a soap opera.

"Right. So why'd you change your mind then, little girl?" I mock. Thid actually feels good, to not be on the receiving end of being called out on a lie. Because that does suck. A lot. "When did you decide to stop being a girl and that you'd rather play with toy cars than dollies?"

"Come on, Rick, drop it," Raquel asks before I wave her off.

I shake my head and smile. "No, I want to hear this. It's bound to be good. I mean, how can it not? The biggest whore I know is suddenly trying to make everyone feel sorry for her, and you guys are falling for it!"

"Shut up!" Rei screams as she wipes crocodile tears from her eyes. "You want to know when I changed? It was when I died."

"I don't remember you dying. I would've remembered something as wonderful as that," I scoff. Then my vision blurs.

Holding my aching jaw, I look up at Lloyd and his clenched fist. Did he seriously just hit me? Me? Am I being punished over other people's lies now?

"What was that?" I choke out as I pick myself up from the ground. Lloyd looks between his fist and me before dropping it to his side and walking away.

Raquel nervously looks at me before following Lloyd. For a few moments I stand there as nobody says anything. Watching, waiting, I see Raquel tentatively reach out for Lloyd's shoulder and open her mouth as if to say something to him.

I lose it.

With a fury they haven't possessed in ages, the MCoDs lead my broken and bruised body toward the girl in a flash. The nails sink into the soft scar tissue that she got from the exploding window and proceed to rip rip the wound open before anyone can react.

"YOU BITCH!" I scream at the top of my voice as I continue clawing at her raw and bleeding face. Someone tries to pull me off, but the MCoDs strike out angrily and I hear a yelp before I deliver a blow strong enough to knock the vile woman to the ground. Then I proceed to kick her in the face, oblivious to my own pains and the fact that much of the blood on me is my own from wounds that have reopened.

Adrenaline is dangerous like that.

"Stop it!" Lloyd shouts as he grabs me arms and subdues me by holding them against my back in a manner made all the more painful by the fact that my senses are returning to me.

Angrily, Tessa walks over to Raquel. She looks her friend over, helps her up, then proceeds to punch me in the gut. Ow.

"What is wrong with you?" Lloyd screams in my ear.

I split a gob of blood onto the dusty ground before summoning enough calm to speak without bursting into tears. "What isn't wrong with me?"

"I've tried, Rick," Lloyd says as he cautiously lets me go. He steps between Raquel and myself. His arms are folded over her chest and he's glaring at me as angrily as Tessa is. I'm afraid to look at anyone else. And seeing Raquel lying on the ground and sobbing into the hands that obscure her face isn't as much consolation as my actions would have indicated.

"Tried what? Buddying up with that damned whore? Because you seem to be doing a pretty good job of that."

"No, I've tried to like you. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt," he sighs as the anger begins to drain away. His body doesn't relax, though. "I've tried to be a good friend to you. I've defended you, consoled you, protected you..."

"I'm surprised you even know what those words mean..." I scoff bitterly.

Lloyd looks a little hurt by that. "That is exactly what I'm getting at, Rick. No matter how hard I try to look past your faults, I just can't accept you. You aren't a good person. You're vain, cruel, petty; you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I don't blame your friends for hating you."

...

...Wow. I just had the eternal optimist tell me that I'm a lost cause. That's... I don't know what that is.

"To hell with you all!" I stammer as the tears begin to well up in my eyes. "Go on, be the frickin' heroes. I don't care. Save the day. Save the cheerleader. Save the world. Save the entire universe for all I care! If I disgust you so much, just go away! We're done."

Lloyd looks at me with a face that can't decide if it's annoyed or regretful. She leans down and assists Tessa in helping Raquel up, both of them keeping an eye on me, and the two help the third over to a rock to sit on. Trying to fight the urge to throw myself off the nearby cliff, I limp away from the group. I can't bear the stares that must be coming from Dagger and the others.

I continue to drag myself away from them until I can't see or hear them. Then I let myself cry as I realize that it's finally over. The damage I've done to my relationships with the people around me is completely and utterly irreparable.

"Maleficent," I growl in a low voice.

Unsure of why I said it, I repeat the name two more times. She then appears in true Beetlejuice fashion.

"You called?" she says in an amused tone as her usual accompaniment of Heartless surround me.

"You want her? You want the keyblade? You can have them. Just tell me what you want me to do," I tell the witch. "But if I'm going to make a deal with the devil, I want to get something out of it."

She smiles evilly. "Go on..."

TCBT

A/N: This chapter is the shortest one I've ever posted, despite the horrendous amount of time it took me to write it. Blame my promotion at work (Assistant Front End Manager! I love the money, but hate the life-sucking hours) as well as my never ending backlog of videogames and consoles. I still need to finish Panzer Dragoon Saga, after all. And Persona 3. And about fifty other games. Blech.

Anyway, I can't make any promises, but I hope the next chapter doesn't take me as long to write. And for heaven's sake, leave a review. This chapter may not be any good, but it still took quite a bit of work (I rewrote it at least three times).


	43. The Highway

Chapter 43: The Highway

A/N: I finally gave in and have been looking for a beta reader. I'm not taking applications or requests. I just felt that it was finally time to do so and I want someone I know to do it for me. Not that I don't love my readers.

TCBT

"What took you so long?" Dagger cries out as soon as I step off the aircab.

"Oh please," I say with a roll of my eyes. "I know I'm wonderful and you just can't live without me, but it takes time to look this good."

"You're twenty minutes late..." she sighs as she taps the toes of her shoes against a waste bin. "And you don't look that good to me."

"You wound me!" I cry out in a pained voice as I grab my chest. "My hair alone took fifteen minutes!"

She smiles evilly. "You looked better bald."

I stick my tongue out at her, and then we set off down the yellow brick road. Except the bricks aren't yellow and we aren't going to see a wizard. The plan is to surprise Zidane, as we haven't seen him since the war ended. Dagger, on the other hand, I've seen quite a bit of. Alexandria/Ascantha relations have really improved because of our friendship, whereas before they were stringent at best. International politics are boring at best.

There's a building just past the aircab station. I wouldn't normally notice it, as I've walked by it countless times, but I got a sudden ominous chill from it. It's an unassuming little place. There's a stairway that leads down to a basement of some sort. It's probably a storage place, as I've never seen anyone there before.

"What is it?" Dagger asks as she notices that I'm staring at the building.

"I hate to bring up your mother, but did you ever get an 'evil' feeling from her? There at the tail end before you ran away?" My eyes never leave the structure, but I can here my voice change tone.

"I don't know about an evil feeling. She did worry me a bit," she answers dejectedly.

"It's just, I'm scared all of a sudden. That place gives me a bad feeling." I point at the building.

"Why? It looks fine to me?" Dagger inquires with a distant tone.

I don't answer her because I don't know how to explain it. Everything has been great since I first returned to Gaia. I met Zidane and the others. We saved the world, albeit losing Dagger's mother in one of the battles with Kuja. There has been two years of peace. By all accounts, everything should be fine.

The MCoDs flicker for a moment and I truly am worried. They've been inactive for quite a while. And I just got them done! They're a pretty green colour that, while it doesn't go with my eyes, matches my shirt.

"I just..." I don't know.

"Hey," Dagger says as we just completely stop and stare at the building, "I heard that there was an attack on Ascantha. Is it true?"

"Nah," I answer with a shake of my head. "It was actually just a meteor that fell. It hit the house of a noble family and killed them all, though."

"Really? That's sad."

"Not so much. They were kind of annoying. The family apparently has three kids and one goes off to some fancy academy and she was visiting when the meteor hit."

Dagger baulks as she stares at me. "You are rather tactless for royalty."

"I blame Steiner's training. He's the one who wears rusty armour. Seriously, do his clothes match when he is in civilian clothes?"

"What are you talking about?"

Before I can answer, though, there is the sound of a door opening. Continuing to look at the building that gives me the goosebumps, I watch as someone begins to ascend the stairs. It's a young woman about my age. She's actually running and looking behind her. Then she sees me and stops.

A shadow begins to spread from her feet. She looks down and then at me as the shadow grows and the road begins to be swallowed by it. Buildings start to disappear. Panicked, I crouch behind Dagger and cover my head praying to nothing specifically that this is either a dream or I'm hallucinating. As much as I don't want to, I look up and watch as the stunned princess is hit by the shadow and simply vanishes. I scramble to get away, but alas I'm not fast enough to escape. Then it hits me and... nothing?

Everything around me starts to disappear until even the sun and sky are a black void. The only things left are the young woman and myself.

Then my memory returns.

Pain and scars ripple across my smooth skin, like a rock thrown into a pond. My fine, gorgeous clothing turns to smelly rags. The green polish on my fingernails vanishes and my nails become a jagged, worn version of their old selves. Already low to what passes for a ground, it doesn't hurt when I hit my knees. Hot tears stream down my cheeks as I watch all of my friends die or abandon me.

I wipe at my eyes, but it makes the pain even worse as the dirt comes into play. Sobs escape me as I realize that the last two years, all of the good things that have been and the great things I've accomplished are all falsifications.

"Rick?" the woman cries out.

I ignore Raquel as I try to not remember that I'm a bastard in the literal and figurative sense. But I see Chal snap Cloud's neck. Seifer rips Raijin in half with his sword. Michael and I dance in the rain. I'm having sex with a stranger because I don't want to think about the consequences of my actions. I'm lying to Hermione about being from Gaia. Fujin's limp body falls to the ground. I'm lying in a bed crying while Lloyd holds me. Dozens of memories, hundreds, overtake me. Some good, many bad, hit at once and I can't put together a single lucid thought until I feel a hand on my shoulder, then someone pulling me into a hug.

And as the sudden rush of memories begins to fade, the guilt settles over me like a heavy fog.

"It's okay, Rick. I'm here. We're going to be fine," Raquel whispers as she strokes my shaggy and matted hair.

I remember it as well as I do the many other horrible things I've done in life. I remember telling Maleficent that she can have the people who kept me safe. I remember telling her that she can have this woman who is comforting me.

I remember being intentionally evil.

Unable to form words, I just latch onto her and close my eyes in an attempt to block out the oppressive darkness surrounding us. It doesn't exactly work well.

"I can't believe it. She got you, too?" Raquel asks.

I don't answer, but I look at her inquisitively.

"I was hoping you'd gotten away since you'd left so abruptly, but I guess you weren't far enough away," she says in a disappoints voice, although I feel her fingers stiffen for a fraction of a second. "We were attacked again. It was by someone else in control of those Heartless things. She didn't say much. She just teleported Dagger away and then unleashed a horde of them on us." Her voice cracks and she pulls me closer. "Lily and I tried, but we couldn't get them away..."

"Shut up!" I finally manage to scream at her. "I don't care about how heroic you are. I don't care that you were attacked! Quit pretending that you're glad I'm okay! I hate you and you hate me. Just shut the hell up!"

Silence falls as Raquel stands up and her comforting presence leaves me by my lonesome once more.

"That's what you have to say?" She sounds incredulous. It isn't that surprising. God knows what happened to her and the others after I sent Maleficent after them, and the first thing I tell her is that I hate her.

Aren't I just the most grateful person ever?

"That's what I have to say. You just ruined my life again. I was happy. You just ruined the world of my dreams!"

"It wasn't real, Rick! This is what's real."

"I don't care. I want it back. Give it back to me!"

She sighs as she looks at the blackness around us. "I would if I could. I would love to go back to my own fantasy, to forget all of my memories, but it doesn't change what happened. I would love to forget them both."

Them? Who is this them? Who cares?

"So now what?" I ask angrily. "Do we spend all of eternity stuck together? Because I would rather kill myself. Oh, wait, I can't because you ruined that!"

"Shut up, Rick. You aren't helping."

"I never do."

She sighs and rubs her temple. Then she holds out her hand as if to summon her Keyblade, but it doesn't appear.

"What the..."

Great, so she is now as useless as I am. Wonderful.

Furrowing her brow, Raquel stares at her hand. Then, much to my surprise, something actually happens. The Keyblade doesn't appear, which doesn't surprise me as Maleficent probably knows more about it than either of us and as such found a way to bond with it while Raquel was out of commission. What does happen is that a sort of light appears in Raquel's hand.

It isn't a light per se, as there is no luminosity to it, and it has no shape. Like a liquid of some sort, it drips through her fingers and when it hits for what passes as the ground in this place, it begins to spread throughout the darkness like some sort of virus.

Then, just as the nothingness overtook the city that I was in just minutes prior, so, too, does this non-light eat away until Raquel are in some other place.

There is a night sky overhead, which is why it's still dark, and the moon shines down on us.

Wait... moon? Not moons? Double checking, I see just one solitary white moon in the sky. The red satellite that was Terra is gone. Unless this isn't Gaia, which is entirely possible. Stupid confusing realities and dimensions and blah.

"What did I just do?" Raquel wonders aloud as she stares at her hand.

"Who cares? I'm more concerned with where we are," I reply as I continue to gaze at our wholly unfamiliar surroundings.

"Could you for once in your life quit being such a pessimist, Rick?" Raquel puts her hands on her hips and rolls her eyes.

"It's my trademark. Get over it," I answer snidely.

"What sort of pleasure do you get out of espousing such negativity?"

"Hey, Kodachi and I never got married! Whoever told you otherwise is a complete and utter liar!"

"Huh?"

"What?"

She shakes her head. "Never mind. You are right, though. Where are we? This looks like some kind of plain. Nice and grassy. Do you know of any place like this?"

"What makes you think I would know?" Why am I the only person that recognises her for the idiot she is?

"You were on Gaia a lot longer than I."

"This isn't Gaia. See, there is one moon in the sky. Gaia has two. Surely, you and your wonderful genius mind noticed that." I repeat: Raquel Malone is an idiot.

"Knock it off."

"How about I knock you off? I'm sick and tired of your high and mighty attitude."

Our bickering goes on for a few more seconds before Raquel screams. In less time than it takes to complete a thought I know why, as a familiar set of claws dig into my leg.

Crying out, I wrench my leg out of the Heartless grasp. A bit of skin and possibly muscle stay with it, though.

Raquel holds her hand out and attempts to summon her Keyblade, but it doesn't appear. Neither does her weird light power. So, instead, she grabs my arm and tries to help me run from the menace. Seeing as how they probably share a collective consciousness, though, more Heartless begin to climb out of the ground and within seconds, we're surrounded.

"This is all your fault," I inform Raquel in a pained voice. "You're completely useless."

"Shut up, Rick. This isn't the time."

The yellow eyes and black bodies move through the moonlight, quickly descending on us as though afraid we would somehow be able to escape.

Something happens, though. Someone useful, unlike a certain wonderful and blessed cheerleader who shall remain unnamed, shows up. He whips out a sword and begins to hack the Heartless up despite the fact that all common sense says that the Heartless should be immune to physical attacks of any sort.

A few seconds into the battle, it's over. The man, who looks rather young, eyes Raquel and me warily. His eyes widen for a moment, but then seem to adjust back to normalcy.

"Hello," he says as he tips a hat perched upon his head. His voice is kind of soft, not matching his look at all. Someone that walks around with leather armour (leggings and a jacket/plate combo that protects his torso) and a cowboy-esque hat should not sound so feminine. If he hadn't just saved my life with his wicked killing skills, I might laugh at him.

No, he does not look like Irvine from Final Fantasy VIII. For starters, the guy has short hair completely hidden by his hat and is clean-shaved. He's not all that tall, either.

"Thank you," Raquel tells him as she looks on in awe. I say nothing.

"No problem. I'm just surprised to see some people wandering around without a mage of some sort."

"You aren't," I point out.

"Yeah, well, I'm a little different," the stranger replies. "I have what is known as an enchanted blade. See, the only thing that can hurt, let alone kill those things is magic. And with most of the major cities wiped out, let's just say that there aren't too many people left that know how to imbue a blade with the power of the elements.

"My name is Ren, by the way."

"I'm Raquel, and that is Rick." the stupid harlot offers with a bow. I so do not follow suit. My leg hurts too much, and I have no clue who this guy is.

"..."

Ren just stands there, his face hidden by the shadows as he steps out of the moonlight.

After a few awkward seconds of silence, I finally speak up. "Where are you going? We're kind of lost and need some place safe to stay."

He continues looking at us for a few more seconds before answering. "There's a little place about a day away from here. I can take you, if you want. It's nothing fancy, though. Just a few people and a couple mages who have managed to get by. They might be able to take you in for a little while."

"We would appreciate it, Ren," Raquel tells him in a sweet voice that makes me want to gag. I'm starting to think I would've been better off being ripped apart by the Heartless.

TCBT

He wasn't kidding when he said that the place wasn't fancy. In my opinion, Ren brought us to a hovel. Really, it's just ruins. Sure, there's a waterfall and a breathtaking ocean view, but when all the buildings are made of stone and the roads are dirt and mud... The only thing that looks even remotely man-made is the statue and fountain in the entrance to the town.

True, we did just enter so that's all I've seen up close, but I can just tell I'm going to hate it here. At least it's safe, I guess.

"Raquel, Rick, welcome to Madain Sari."

"It's about ti... What did you just say?" I scream at him.

The cowboy looks at me and rolls his eyes. I swear, he annoys me so much. And he's skinnier than me to boot! Blech. I'm starting to think I should just swear off men altogether.

Anyway, he doesn't repeat himself, but I could have sworn he said this place was called Madain Sari. That is utterly insane, of course, because that would have to be on Gaia, and we are so not on Gaia. I mean, there's only one moon here for starters. And during our travels, we didn't encounter a single monster. Sure, there were some Heartless here and there, but that was it. There wasn't even so much as a Slime or a Tonberry. And there are no damn Moogles to be seen anywhere.

Then again, on closer inspection, this place does look familiar.

"What is it, Rick?" Raquel asks. Of course, I ignore her and walk off on my own to get a better look at the place. The idiot naturally follows me.

"You ever been here?" Ren questions with an inquisitive tone. Yes, I know I'm being repetitive in my descriptions. Bugger off.

"Not in person," I answer truthfully. Sure, there's some grassland outside the red stone walls of this town, but it's still arid and dry. And the ground in here is dusty and red. Like those pictures of Georgia I saw in my 2nd grade Social Studies class. We can't be back on Gaia. I mean, it's entirely possible that it's another Gaia. This could be the one with that Cami person. I mean, surely Maleficent already destroyed the one I...

My feet stop moving and my head slowly lowers until I'm looking at my feet. Somehow my eyes actually manage to well up again. I wipe the tears from my eyes before they can fall. There's a stinging sensation from what I'm sure is the local dust getting in them. I focus on that pain: use it as a beacon to escape my thoughts.

"Can you answer a question for me?" Raquel speaks up in the lull. I don't hear Ren answer, but I'm assuming he did because she continues. "Where are the other people? I thought you said this place was settled."

"This way," he answers. I almost don't hear his soft voice through the soothing fog. I feel fingertips touch my shoulder, but I ignore them. Seconds later they slip away.

The wind pulls from my face the few tears I can't control. My ragged breathing becomes even more pronounced as my mind becomes clearer. Memories begin to surface: happy ones. They hurt the most.

I miss that. I miss being able to smile. It seems like it's been so long since I've smiled. I wonder what it's like to be a Heartless, to be like the people I so casually damned. Was my petty revenge worth all of their lives?

Footsteps tell me that I'm not alone. Closing my eyes, I try my best to calm myself.

"I'd heard that there were some new arrivals," she said with a smile in her voice. And that is a terrible description. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," I answer. Sure, it's a lie, but what am I supposed to say? That I'm feeling guilty because everyone in my life is dead by my hands except for the person I'd intended to die? I doubt that would go over well.

I'm glad when the stranger doesn't say anything else. Her presence behind me can be felt, so I know she hasn't left.

"What do you..." I start before she cuts me off.

Her body passes mine and her eyes lock onto the graffiti on the large walls surrounding the city. My eyes, however, are locked onto her.

"This place was a summoner village. Over that way is the sanctuary that houses the Eidolon Wall." She lifts an arm and points off in the direction of an archway. I mean, that's not definite proof that this is Gaia, but it's some pretty solid evidence. Especially if I'm being given a tour by whom I think this is. Whether it's my Gaia or not is still up in the air. She looks at me and smiles. "You should go on up to the house. We haven't had anyone new here for months. Ren almost never sees people when he goes scavenging. Just tell them Garnet sent you."

Unable to speak, I just nod. This clearly isn't my Gaia. She didn't recognize me at all. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

A weak smile crosses my lips before I take my leave. She turns back to the dilapidated architecture. My best friend, the only person on the entire planet of Gaia that cared about me, she doesn't exist any more. When I sold out Raquel, I sold out the entire planet, I suppose. Now this world has been infected by Maleficent's destructive touch.

If Dagger is here, though, does that mean Zidane and the others are? Why is she going by Garnet, though? Yeah, this isn't the same Alexandrian princess I travelled with, but... But what? I don't even know what I'm questioning any more.

When I reach the most secure-looking of the buildings, and by secure I mean not crumbling, I find Raquel waiting for me. The cheerleader is leaning against the frame of the doorway. She narrows her eyes at me before looking at something behind me: probably Dagger, or Garnet, or whatever her name is.

"What?"

She sighs and lowers her head. "I promise I won't tell her."

I don't need a mirror to know that I've just gone incredibly pale. She remembers? How could... Why would...

"What are you talking about?" Maybe if I play stupid she'll forget? Yeah, right.

Raquel just rolls her eyes. "Rick, we need to talk. I got us a room."

"We're sharing?" That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. "They don't have a tool shed you can stay in?"

"Just shut up and follow me."

TCBT

This place is gross. The beds are a little more than sheets sewn around straw. Ew. Not to mention they're dusty as all hell. You'd think nobody had slept here in years. And the window has no glass, just a mouldy curtain. Someone as skanky as Raquel would feel at home here. The skank.

"Rick, I know."

Again, I don't answer her. There are things she could know that I wouldn't think she knows, so it isn't necessarily about my selling her out to Maleficent. She could be talking about Michael, or Zidane, or even Hermione. Yeah, it's probably Hermione. She summoned the Heartless to kill everyone back in Radiata. Raquel probably assumed that Hermione came back to finish me off.

Her eyebrows furrow as her fingers play with the hem of the nasty curtain. I would warn her about getting diseases from that stuff, but someone as nasty as her probably got a bunch of them on prom night, anyway.

"I may not be the biggest nerd out there, Rick, but I know the wicked witch of Sleeping Beauty when I see her. When you left the day you had your freak out, I followed you against Lloyd's advice. I heard everything. Do you really hate me that much?"

"Yes," I answer with sincere honesty. "You're perfect, Raquel. Everyone likes you, you're a hero, blah blah blah. You haven't lived through half of what I have. Probably not even a third. You haven't been jerked from world to world like some sort of modern day April Ryan..."

"You know The Longest Journey? I love that game!"

Focus, you blithering ninny. This is why I hate her. She drones on and on about stupid stuff. You'd never catch me doing something as stupid as that because I'm not a brain dead whore.

"You aren't me, Raquel. You think this is all a dream or something awesome. It's not. This place sucks. The Gaia we were on turned into a festering hellhole. So why are you here? What are you trying to do?"

Raquel looks down at the floor. "I don't think like that, Rick. I'm not stupid." Could have fooled me. She looks pretty stupid. "I came here because I was told you need help, and you do. You aren't the kind of person that sells out his friends to the enemy just because he had an argument with them. You aren't cruel. You're a good person."

"No, I'm not. This is something I struggle with everyday. I'm not proud of a single thing I've done since I left Earth. If I haven't consciously sabotaged myself, I've done it subconsciously. The last few months forced me to grow up. The person I matured into isn't...

"Why am I discussing this with you? You don't understand anything. Go away."

"Rick..."

"No, listen to me when I say this: there is nothing good about me, and there never will be. So I'm sorry if I can't live up to your wonderful standards. I'm tired of trying to be something I'm not. I'm not a hero and, quite honestly, neither are you."

Then a question from out of nowhere smacks me in the face. "Do you want to go back to Earth, Rick?"

Didn't I already tell her no once? Does this idiot not understand that no means no? I don't want to go back to Earth. I don't want to be anywhere near her. I don't want to be me any more.

"There's something you need to know, Rick. To be quite honest, I don't like you very much, either. You're vain, rude, violent, pushy, and a million other negative things. Most of all, though, you're hurting. And I can't walk away from someone in pain."

"Not even if they want you to?" Because I would love it if she did that.

Her lips actually twitch up into a smile when I say that. I hate her.

"That is the time you need to stay by someone the most. When they're their most infuriating is when they need you the most. You may be a lost cause in your own mind, Rick, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up."

"Why not? I wish you would."

Then two arms wrap themselves around me in a hug. Raquel keeps smiling as she continues to stare at me from her perch by the window.

"Please stop," a familiar, feminine voice says behind me. The feeling in my legs almost disappears. "I thought it was you, and it is, but you aren't acting like yourself."

That is some convoluted logic. Still...

Unable to say anything, I just turn in her arms and hug Dagger back. Whether this is my Gaia or another one, I don't care, I'm just glad that I have her.

"I love you, Rick. I'm so glad you're okay, really: both of you." Dagger continues to let me hold her. The memory of her slipping away into nothingness isn't that old. "How did you guys get away?"

"I'm not sure. We just kind of found ourselves wandering around, and then Ren found us," Raquel answers because I possess neither the capacity for deep thought nor the ability to speak right now. "So, you're the same Dagger that we travelled with?"

"Garnet, actually. I haven't gone by Dagger for a couple of years now. That wasn't my real name." She rubs my back when I start to sniffle. I'm so going to start crying again. "It's okay, Rick."

No it's not. It is so far from okay it's ludicrous.

"All right, Garnet, how did you know it was us? Were you listening to our conversation?"

"Just the tail end. Come on, Rick, it's okay." She walks me over to one of the beds and makes me sit on it, breaking my hold. "Anyway, how did you guys survive out there for two years?"

What? Two years? It can't have been that long.

"We'll talk about that later," Raquel tells her. "Garnet, could you stay with Rick? I need to go do something."

"Sure," she replies as she sits beside me. She begins to stroke my filthy hair. "We have two years of catching up to do."

TCBT

A/N: Okay, I've had a few people tell me that Rick being an ass isn't as much fun to read as it is to write. I do write for myself. I love twisting him into something horrible, but it isn't fair to you guys. So while he was pretty much terrible for the majority of this chapter, I hope my goal of humanising him a bit at the end worked out. Let me know just how you feel about how things have gone in the reviews, please. I do take your considerations and advice to heart.


	44. Deleted Scene

A/N: I know it's only been... a year and half since the last update, but some heavy stuff has gone down. Family members have died, I lost my job, depression, unemployment in a bad economy, etc. So I've been pretty out of it writing-wise for awhile now. But I'm working on the last chapter, and hope the finale is up to your expectations. Which I'm sure are pretty low by now.

But as a form of apology, and because I can't remember if I ever worked it into the story proper and am too lazy to check, here is a deleted scene from the fic with no context whatsoever. Again, sorry for the huge delay, but know that I am renewing my efforts to finish this story for all of you.

Lloyd's asleep. His back is to the fire and his swords are at his side. Peacefully, I watch his shoulders move in tandem with his breathing, because I can't see his chest. Lloyd has his back to me as well. It's not intentional, or a metaphor for our friendship. It's just that watching him seems to calm me in a way that nothing else can. Nobody, not even Michael, Zidane, or Angelo…

My fingers brush the small of his back. To get any closer than this would be to drive him further away. Because I always drive away those close to me. Or I kill them. Raijin was my friend. Michael was my first real love. Naruto and Sasuke were… something. And they're all dead because of me. I won't let that happen to Lloyd. I care too much about him.

But if I really do care about him, then why am I sliding my hand over his hip? Why are my fingertips feeling the muscles on his stomach through his hideous red shirt? I rest my chin on his shoulder. The fact that any of the others could wake up and see me is irrelevant. That he could wake up isn't important, either. That might even be a good thing. Having two men who could never love me in the way that I love them is something I don't want to experience. And having that kind of relationship with Zidane is painful enough.

How is sit even possible that I'm even at this precipice? Just a few months ago, I didn't think any of this stuff was real. They were all just videogame or manga or anime characters. These were not real people with real feelings. I was not the Prince of some kingdom, nor was I a knight. I wasn't a hero. In fact, I'm still not. I'm just an idiot. And as I nuzzle Lloyd's neck with my cheek and move my hand to chest to feel his heartbeat, I forget that any of that matters. I've only known Lloyd for a week or so. I don't know his middle name, if he even has one. I don't know that my feelings or genuine. They could just be a harmless crush or my way of transitioning away from Zidane now that he hates me. But again it doesn't matter.

I doubt it's the first time, and it probably won't be the last, but lying here holding Lloyd makes me happy. Breathing in his scent relaxes me. Everything about him makes my nerves tingle in a way nobody else has. That morning where I woke up in Michael's arms that has nothing on this. And I feel absolutely no guilt or shame over feeling this way. This moment should not end.

"How sweet…"

Releasing the swordsman, I sit up. Chal is still awake. I cast a glance at Kodachi and Rei. The younger girl has her head on her sister's chest. Her arms are wrapped around Kodachi in much the same way mine were with Lloyd just seconds ago. There is no lewd grin plastered on her face, either. She just looks like a fourteen-year-old girl.

"Which one?" I ask as I look back to the violet-haired general. My voice is surprisingly steady. My heart continues to beat normally as well. There is absolutely no indication of any sort of fear or nervousness. "Myself, or the love of your life?"

Chal stands up and steps through the fire that separates us. He offers me a hand and I take it. When we're both on our feet, he laughs. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone with everything you have, only to be completely ignored? She shows her sister more affection than she does me. She is obsessed with you. Do you know why that is?"

He holds my chin with his thumb and index fingers on his left hand, while using his right to pull my body up against his. This is unexpected, to say the least.

"I have no idea," I confess as I stare directly into his eyes. Normally, I would be looking for a way to escape. I would be trying to find some way to get away. I would be waking up Lloyd or Kodachi to protect me. "The people that I love do love me. Maybe not in the same way as I love them, but they do acknowledge my existence."

"She doesn't even think enough of me to hate me."

"Then perhaps you should give up."

"Or I could molest her in her sleep. It seems to get you through alright."

I don't fall for his bait. In fact, I don't voice a response at all. Chal smiles as he lets me go. Then he grabs my shoulders and throws me to the ground. He falls on top of me, pinning me to the ground. The general sits up and puts his knees on my wrists.

"How can I find what is so special about you? What is this ability you have to attract people to you?" Chal inquires as he traces my jaw line with his finger. I hope he tells me what's special about me if he figures it out. Because I really don't think there is anything that special about me. "Perhaps to understand you, I need to be inside you?"

Is he going to rape me? No, I don't think that's it. But what is he talking about?

He leans down and places his mouth right next to my ear. "Or I could just kill you."

Strong hands wrap around my neck and squeeze. It's not enough to actually cut off my air supply, but there is a bit of affixation. My body arches against Chal's. His fingers change position but neither tight nor loosen. He breathes heavily in my ear.

"If you were gone, would she turn to me, though? Would I ever be able to make her happy? If I change myself, would she react? Can you answer any of my questions? Are you good for anything at all?" Chal whispers as he lets his mouth hang directly over mine. His breath is on my lips. "But she would cry if you died. And to know that I made her cry would not be a good thing. Why can't she see that you don't love her? You'll never love her."

He relaxes his grip and I begin to breathe a little more heavily than I normally would. He slumps in the shoulders and climbs off. Chal looks at Kodachi and sighs. I just continue to look upwards at the clouded-over moon.


	45. Conflict

A/N: While the last chapter may have been more subdued than you guys are used to (although it had it moments), I would like to use this one as an opportunity to get back to the roots of the story and hopefully tie up some loose ends that have been hanging around for the last twenty or so chapters.

TCBT

You would think that after all the times we've been through this, Dagger and I would have down some sort of theme or script about what all has happened while we were separated. Then again, you can't exactly base a relationship on separation.

And do you really want to ruin a reunion with a confession of: "Oh, by the way, I had everyone but you assassinated by one of the people that's trying to take over and rule all of existence"? I doubt things would go over very well with that as an opener.

"So..." Dagger looks at me coyly from behind her bangs. She looks like the Dagger I know and love, but older and more mature. Any sense of delicateness her body may have held before my absence is gone. Her build is much leaner and more muscular. Not to mention, my purple prose is as effective as ever.

If she stole my satchel again,I doubt I'd be able to take her down with as much ease as I had prior.

"So what?" I ask as I avoid looking into her eyes.

"How was the shower?"

The shower was a desperate, but welcome, delay from having the inevitable conversation about things I really don't want to discuss. Not that I'm going to tell her that.

"It was nice. Hot water helps more than you know."

"Good. Does that mean you're done avoiding me?" There is no accusatory tone to her voice. It's as though she was expecting such a reaction.

"I wasn't... Fine, I was avoiding this conversation." My legs start shaking. Before the rest of my body starts trembling, I sit down just out of Dagger's reach.

She smiles warmly and leans forward to grab my hand. "Rick, it's okay to be scared. It's a harsh world out there. This is one of the safest places on Gaia, and we barely get by. This town used to be full of survivors."

"What happened to them all? The only people I've seen are you, Ren, and the guy that loaned me some clothes to wear."

Normally, I'd complain about how ugly the clothes are, and they really are, but they are better than the rags I was wearing. Not to mention that my hair is much longer than I thought it was. Being all dirty and matted, I thought it only reached the tops of my ears. After washing the dirt, blood, and who knows what else out, it actually hangs just below them. It might have been longer if it weren't for my familial curse of going bald. Then again, that isn't really my family, despite having raised me most of my life, but I digress.

"When I said this is one of the safest places in the world, I wasn't kidding. This place is safer than most others out there. We hardly get attacked by the Heartless because of the Mana concentration from my Eidolons, but we still have the problems of monsters and dwindling resources, not to forget the occasional human raider."

"It's just humans?" That doesn't sound right. If this is the Dagger from my Gaia, which it undoubtedly is unless Maleficent is in disguise and messing with me again, then this probably really is my Gaia. So where are all the walrus-people and such?

"On this continent. There used to be a band of dwarfs we traded with, but they went silent a few months ago. We haven't risked sending Ren to see what's up. And we know that there is a Qu tribe in one of the marshes, too, but they stick to themselves. Believe it or not, they can actually eat the Heartless and grow stronger from it. That's what Ren said when he came back from trying to establish contact with them, anyway."

This all sounds impossible. I mean, she did say that she hadn't seen me in two years, but to think that things have gotten this bad already.

"Which continent are we on?" I ask her even though I already know the answer. "Where is the Iifa Tree? The red moon?"

"The Iifa Tree was destroyed the day we separated, Rick. I'm honestly surprised you don't know. I could have sworn you were there for it. Some woman in a brown cloak blew it up before summoning Heartless." Dagger does look peculiarly at me as she says this. "I mean, you were there, weren't you? Things happened so fast that my memory is a blur, but I remember she showed up shortly after your fight with Raquel and Lloyd."

"Dagger, I..."

"Please, I haven't been Dagger in years," she interrupts. "Rick, just call me Garnet."

I suppose it isn't inappropriate to use her actual name now that she isn't on the run. My old English teacher would kill me for that last sentence.

"Okay. Garnet. I need to know something. Do you know what happened to Ascantha?"

She doesn't look me in the eye. I don't like this. Sure, I may have run off and abandoned my homeland numerous times, but I still care about the people there. Angelo, Tifa-heck, even Jessica... They have to be okay. Ascantha is home to some of the most powerful mages in the world. Not to mention the Templars must be more than a match for some Heartless. They have that stupid Olga thing on their side. Not that she's done anything for me.

"I don't know anything for sure, Rick. We've been pretty secluded here for over a year. I used to keep in contact with Alma through carrier pigeon right after things first fell apart. It only lasted a few months. Then the birds stopped returning." She wrings her hands. She knows more than she's letting on, but I don't think pushing her right now will do me any good.

We both sit there for a couple minutes in silence. I wonder just what Raquel is up to before remembering that I really couldn't care less.

"They're all dead, aren't they?"

"Yes." Garnet doesn't hesitate to answer. I guess she has matured, not that it's an unexpected development. She's remarkably strong; much more so than I. And despite how welcoming she's been with Raquel and me, I think she's gotten harder and colder.

I killed them all. Sure, Maleficent and the Heartless did all of the work, but I'm the one that summoned her and pulled the trigger. Lloyd, Naruto, Rei...

The thing to ask would be how Garnet managed to survive an onslaught like that.

"I..."

Guilt is a hard thing to hold back. I stare at the floor, my head between my legs as I try to calm my breathing. Fear chokes me. As much hatred as I was feeling when I spoke with her, the only request I made of Maleficent was that she leave Garnet alone.

How could I tell her that the only reason she's alive today is because I requested that everyone else die instead? Would she thank me if I told her? Probably not.

"We don't have to talk now." She squeezes my knee with one hand. "I can leave if you want me to."

"...I love you." Something tells me that's the most honest thing I've said to another person in years.

"I love you, too, Rick." Garnet appraises my sulking frame. When I finally do allow my eyes to meet hers, and she reciprocates, the tears make her little more than a blur.

"Do you know how much I wish it could have been you? How much easier everything would have been?" The look she gives tells me that she knows what I'm talking about.

Garnet squeezes my knee again. "He didn't hate you, Rick. Don't ever think that. Zidane cared for you, just not in the way you wanted."

"You guys knew?"

"It was hard not to," she laughs. "He was flattered, actually. That's probably why he got so jealous when you started seeing Michael."

"What? When? How?"

"We figured it out back at Shikon Academy. When you and Hermione were all closed off and weird. There's a lot of time to mull things over when you're stuck in traction."

Scratching the back of my neck, I remember Sylvarant and Hermione. There's even a sting of absence when I think of Melinda's crazy self.

"He didn't come right out and admit to it all, Rick. Zidane was a lot like you, though. You're both simple people at heart."

"I am not stupid."

Garnet laughs once more. "That's not what I meant, Rick. You're just easy to read. That's how I know that you're hiding from me."

How am I hiding? I'm sitting right in front of her...

"It may have been two years, but that doesn't mean I know you any less." Garnet wrings her hands together, as if nervous. "You're combustible, Rick."

What did she just call me? "I so do not have man-boobs."

Garnet waves that away with a little smile. "That's not what it means. It means you're explosive. When things don't go your way, you blow up at anyone around. Like at the Iifa Tree that day, when you attacked Ren and Raquel."

"Hey, I did not attack that freak Rei, and Raquel deserved..." I stop mid-sentence just to confirm what I heard. "Wait a minute. Did you say Ren, your cowboy friend, was there? Because I definitely do not remember beating him up like I did Raquel."

Biting her bottom lip, Garnet's eyes dart all about the room for a few seconds before she answers me. "About that.. You remember that girl, Rei, don't you?"

"The oversexed freak that constantly tried to rape you? Yeah, I remember her. Why?"

For a brief moment there's a flash of pain in her eyes and she looks down into her lap. Her hands fidget nervously. My mouth opens to ask her what's wrong, but my brain shuts it automatically when I remember.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'm an idiot."

"It's okay." Taking a deep breath, Garnet looks up. "We haven't really talked in ages, have we? And I don't just mean because you disappeared for two years."

Unsure of what to say, I just nod.

"If nothing else, I want you to know that everyone makes a decision of which they are not proud at some point. I've made plenty, believe me. If I hadn't run away from the castle, a lot of people probably wouldn't have had the hardships they did."

"I thought Tantalus was there to kidnap you."

She laughs. It's nothing more than a mild chuckle, but it breaks some of the tension that had been building between us.

"Rick, trust me when I say that Zidane could no more make me do something I don't want to do than he could make you. If I hadn't wanted to leave, he couldn't have made me."

Assuming I understood what she just said, Garnet collects herself and walks over to what probably passes for a mirror. It's really just a large shard of a broken mirror stuck to the wall somehow. Don't ask me how you can get broken glass to stick to a stone wall.

She looks into the mirror and nods. Then the princess asks me to join her.

I walk over to the mirror and look at myself. I'm a mess. My skin is tinged with red from where I had scrubbed it furiously.

Garnet grabs my hand and leads me out of her room. She calls for Ren and Raquel, though why she wants to see that useless skank is beyond me.

Eventually, Ren and the idiot meet up with us in the Eidolon mural place. Of course, while I look like crap, Raquel is dressed in a form-fitting dress that isn't tight but doesn't hang off of her. Also, the dress isn't anything to write home about;it might as well be a modified burlap sack, but she manages to pull it off. Skank.

"Ren, it's time. Did you fill Raquel in on what's going on?" Garnet asks the cowboy. He just nods before grabbing his sword as if to make sure it's still there and hadn't disappeared somewhere.

Without any further acknowledgement of my existence, outside of a small wave from that skank Raquel, Dagger faces the Eidolon Walleyes and clasps her hands, as if in prayer. I would roll my eyes, but I've seen how magic works. I've seen crazy drunken Scots with the ability to alter reality. Yet, I still don't particularly believe in a god. Call me crazy, but all of the fantastic things I've witnessed have done less to make me believe than a high school science class ever could. Despite my technically now being too old to go to high school anymore, that is.

Nothing happens for a full minute, and I start picking at a random scab on my arm out of boredom, but when I notice the paintings on the mural start to glow, I know some serious mojo is going on. While I remember very few things about the game actually happening, I know this never happened. Then again, what I know about the Final Fantasy IX video game became irrelevant long before Maleficent showed up.

I start to speak up, but a look from Ren shuts me down. Mostly because he looks ready to stab me without a second thought.

Well, at least the psychos are getting more diverse, as opposed to them all being women. And able to control their violent impulses.

A few seconds after they start glowing, the paintings stop. Dagger whispers a barely audible prayer of thanks, then turns around and grabs Raquel's hand, as well as my own, in hers. Lights from every colour of the rainbow shoot from the mural and envelop us. My eyes burn even when closed, but I feel a jerking sensation at the hand Garnet is holding.

In a flash of pain that extends from Dagger's grip outward like lightning, which may be a bad metaphor as I haven't had a decent English lesson in years although I'm probably not even speaking English here on Gaia... Anyway, it really hurts and it's over as soon as it began.

It takes a few seconds, in which I hear people talking but can't understand what they're saying because my mind is like pudding, but I know I'm not in Madain Sari anymore. And Toto is nowhere around.

Before my eyes adjust to my new surroundings, I hear something I haven't heard in months. Or years. Whichever.

"RIIIIIICHAAAAARD!"

I just barely stumble out of the way of a charging mass of man and metal. I hear the armour clink as Steiner adjusts and starts to come at me again. Then Garnet commands him to stop.

"Princess..."

"I know," is all she says to the knight. By this point I'm fully aware of where I am. Dagguero. Why are we in the giant library? I have no idea because I wasn't even expecting us to be able to travel halfway across the world in a matter of moments, magic or no magic.

Books are scattered all over tables:some open, some shut, some with pages lying around them that clearly came loose from their antique bindings. However, all eyes on me. Well, me and the two women I came with.

"I take it Ren decided not to come?" A chill creeps down my spine as I hear the voice I know should have a British accent but never did. At least, not while I knew her.

Garnet turns her attention to Hermione. "He thought he should stay in the village, just in casethere's an emergency."

"Of all the... Fine, then. I've planned for fewer troops than we have available anyway." Hermione looks straight at Raquel, ignoring my existence entirely. Her voice changes, like she's trying to contain excitement. "This is the Master of Keyblade?"

"Err... Hello,"Raquel squeaks out meekly. She's so putting on her innocent act again. Hag.

As the two biggest thorns in my side size each other up, I take inventory of the people in the room. There areseveral faces I do not know, but I do recognize Celes. And Rita Mordio, but she's ignoring the excitement of three people randomly popping into the middle of the room and scanning four books at once.

"Can I get something out of the way?" Hermione asks of the stupid cheerleader. Nervously, Raquel nods. I'm half hoping Hermione blows her ass up with magic, but I know that when she's done she'll turn her attention onto me. "I just want to say that I loved watching your show when I still lived in England."

Bitches.

"What the hell is going on?" I shout as I eye Steiner's sword. "Have you people forgotten that this bitch tried to kill all of us?"

"Actually, Rick, I just just tried to kill you," Hermione growls before catching herself. "I'm not going to excuse what I did or try to make up for it, but I will own it and carry it with me everywhere I go. Besides, isn't it a little hypocritical for you to accuse me of murder?"

She knows. I shouldn't be surprised, because she works for Maleficent, but this is not good.

"I..." Words fail me yet again. They've become so unreliable in trying to express my thoughts.

Dagger is the one to say something. "Rick, we all know. Maleficent told me. As she made me watch everyone else become Heartless, you included, she told me about the deal you made. You told her that you would give us up, as long as she didn't come after me." She doesn't smile, but she does grab my hand and squeeze it. "If I can forgive my mother for genocide, I can forgive you for a moment of weakness under stress."

"Didn't your mother die?" I blurt without thinking. Hermione facepalms.

Dagger steps back and cocks an eyebrow. "How did you know that? It happened well after Ren and I made it to Madain Sari. I didn't even know until a year after Alexandria fell to the Heartless."

So, do I lie or tell the truth? "I thought you mentioned it." So I go with lie. Despite everybody knowing about the whole Drifter thing. Stupid second nature.

"Huh?"

"I mean, on Earth, Brahne dies in the game, so I was kind of expecting you to say something, so I might have imagined it."

An obvious lie wrapped in the truth to cover up another obvious lie... This being honest thing is hard. Well, after months/years of lying, anyway.

Thankfully, nobody focuses on my crappy answer, although Steiner still glares at me as though he'd like to shank me before he beheads me. Can't say as I blame him. I have been a crappy person for a long time. That, and I got a lot of people killed/turned into Heartless. Like Raijin, Zidane, and Lloyd. And Lloyd is the only one I actively did it to. Good god, I'm an ass. I killed someone I cared so much about over something so petty. If it weren't for my X-chromosome, I'd be on that show "Snapped!" or whatever it's called.

"Um, are you still trying to kill us?" Raquel asks of Hermione like the idiot she is.

Hermione answers without an easily readable emotion on her face. "I've left that behind me. All I care about now is stopping Maleficent. There aren't many people left in the world, but she hasn't managed to escape yet. And you're why."

Raquel steps back with a look of confusion on her face that gives away she really is an idiot. Though I have no idea why,myself, since Hermione is a nerd that thinks everyone else spends their day at the library getting their geek on.

"Me?"

The bushy-haired witch nods and prepares to elaborate. "See, despite everything she's done, this is still a locked world. Maleficent found a loophole in bringing Rick, Fujin, and myself here which left some holes in the barriers between the worlds, but between you showing up and what is probably that woman with extremely strong magic Rick and I met on Gaia, all of the holes in the world were patched back up and she can't leave."

"Why didn't she leave after she had brought you guys back? When there were still holes in the barrier?" Raquel wonders.

"King Mickey," I answer even though I barely have any idea what Hermione is talking about. "It's because she was afraid of King Mickey, right?"

The look on Hermione's face is a mixture of surprise and contempt. "Wow, Rick, you are capable of advanced thought processes,or you really good at guessing. I'm going with the latter."

Garnet lays a hand on my shoulder, as if silently telling me to calm down. It's hard to do when the MCoDs want to shred Hermione's face, but I stand still and refuse to reply.

"Anyway, it's just speculation, but based on the rantsI heard while with Maleficent, I do think she was afraid of King Mickey. She's not at full strength, since she somehow split her soul. She hid half of it in this world, on the off chance she lost when she did battle King Mickeyand the previous bearer of the Keyblade. But, nonetheless, half of Maleficent is still stronger than anything I've seen short of he-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or Professor Dumbledore."

"Do you mean Voldemort?" Raquel enquires. Hermione visibly flinches. I make note of this.

"Yes, although he's not much of a concern, here," Hermione answers with a tic.

With everything I hear, I can't help but think that they are forgetting one thing. "Isn't Mickey dead?"

Hermione shoots daggers at me and I debate whether or not to punch her in her stupid buck-toothed face. It's not my fault her dumb self was too idiotic to remember that.

"He's a Heartless, Rick. I always thought that meant someone died, but then you and Raquel showed up. I'm guessing Maleficent knows better." Hermione picks up a book but doesn't open it. "This is just a hypothesis, but I think a person is comprised of four things: a body, a "heart" or "soul", and then there is the Heartless and Nobodies. If a Nobody is created, you have to combine the Heart and the Heartless with the Nobody to get a whole person. In fact, there's only been one case of a Nobody getting a heart without the Heartless."

Dagger nervously clears her throat, but doesn't say anything.

"Yeah, and you are immune to the whole thing because you never had a heart," I snark at Hermione. She then chucks the book at my head. And it connects. It wasn't thrown hard enough to do any permanent damage, but I still let loose a string of expletives.

"Moving on," Hermione says as though nothing happened. "During my time with Maleficent, I learned how to use the magic I knew from my time at Hogwarts. Which was previously impossible. Do you know why?"

"Because the barriers between the worlds are breaking down." Celes crosses her arms and looks right at me as she speaks. "The Drifters are responsible. You, Rick, and Fujin are weakening the walls between the different worlds."

Hermione snaps her fingers. "Yes and no. The walls get weak every time we travel back on forth between dimensions. But we haven't done that in years. That's why Rick and I flashed to Sylvarant. I thought it had something to do with magic or the Materia we had, but when I was with Maleficent, I studied and found that they were red herrings.

"We are natives to this land, but when Maleficent first swapped our consciousnesses with people from other universes all those years ago, nobody noticed and the tiny holes between the universes went unnoticed. Not dissimilar to The Rift."

Raquel chooses this moment to open her skanky mouth. "Are you talking about Torchwood? I love that show!"

"Captain Jack is hot."

Hermione throws another book at my head. This one misses and hits one of the rather large bookcases.

"Yes, Raquel, I mean like The Rift from Torchwood. It's a tear in the universe and things bleed through. But it's not a sci-fi or fantasy show type of thing. Monsters and people can't fit through. It's more like the different laws of physics shift. The only way people can cross the barriers is with magic. It's all about equal exchange." The great buck-toothed one with the bad hair pulls out her wand. "That's why we never just showed up: we showed up as our otherworld equivalents."

She points her wand at the table and says some incomprehensible Latin. Or Spanish. Whichever. But the mess of books and paper rise into the air and arrange themselves on the table in neat little stacks.

"This is all besides the point of this meeting," Hermione states as though she's some kind of person of importance. Which she isn't. "It's taken months of research and studying and figuring out what all is happening, most of which a few of you wouldn't understand."

As she says this, she looks at Steiner and I. If she is comparing me to Rusty, her behind is going down faster than a Kardashian in an NBA locker room!

"We now have a plan of attack." Freya interrupts Hermione and draws her lance. She points it at Raquel. "You wouldn't have cared about them returning if you didn't."

Hermione sighs, slightly deflated that her chance to look important was taken away by someone who actually is.

"Yes, we do. Princess Garnet was safe from the Heartless because of the mana concentration, and Maleficent never attacked personally because of a promise she made." Everyone looks at me but says nothing. "But the reason this place has been safe is because is houses an ancient protection spell. I had to lower it momentarily so that Garnet and her companions could come here, but nothing slipped in."

"And?" Steiner growls while keeping one eye on me.

"And when we leave, we won't be able to return. There's no falling back. We fight to the last person." Hermione walks over to Dagger and puts a hand on her shoulder. "Garnet is our..."

"Her Royal Majesty Queen Garnet Til Alexandros," Steiner interjects. Hermione shoots him a look of annoyance but says nothing.

"Garnet is our trump card. She's a powerful Summoner and a White Magic user who has mastered the difficult Holy spell."

I raise my hand and take a step away from Steiner. "What does that have to do with me and the great Hispanic prostitute over here?"

Raquel visibly clenches her teeth, and I feel a bit disappointed that she doesn't react. It's not as fun when the women of Gaia act sane.

This whole thing has seriously messed me up if I'm wishing for physical harm.

"It's simple," Hermione huffs. "Garnet wouldn't join me until today. It seems she knew you were out there, Richard."

"Rick."

"Ricky," Raquel says with a giggle. I make a mental note to kill her before the Heartless do.

Dagger shuffles her feet but doesn't look at me. She does speak. "I didn't know it. I felt it."

"This does not apply to the task at hand," Celes points out. "What is the plan of attack?"

Hermione, looking annoyed that someone effectively told her to shut her annoying mouth, snaps at me. "Rick, please go away. I don't need you interrupting important conversations with your stupidity anymore."

"Fine, you duck billed beaver toothed fleabag," I reply before stomping off. If I remember correctly, there's a water fountain around here full of coins that I can throw at these idiots.

Unfortunately, Raquel follows me. "Hermione, THE Hermione Granger, asked me to keep you company! Can you believe it?"

"I really can't, considering you're the Keyblade Master and blah blah blah..." I say at the top of my voice as we walk away. "Common logic would dictate that I'm the only useless one here."

"You aren't useless, Rick."

Raquel really needs punched in the face repeatedly. "Oh,really? And just what have I done but make everything worse? Huh? A bunch of people died in Radiata because of me. And Hermione, I guess, but they started dying because of me. I'm the reason Hermione attacked, anyway.

"And people have forgiven her. Nobody is forgiving me. Because I'm utterly useless, and to pretend otherwise is to just be stupid."

"Stop pitying yourself, you idiot. Be glad you're alive. Because no matter what mistakes you made, and you've made a lot of them, you can make up for them. Or at least try." Raquel's pep talk is utter garbage, so I tune her out until I see a flash of light.

"What was that?"

"We aren't going to know if we don't check it out, Rick. Come on."

When we get to the place the others were, we find that they're all gone. Like, apparated or whatever. I just shrug it off, knowing I would be left behind, but Raquel looks kind of upset. I internally debate whether or not I should kill her now.

"I told you we were useless. That's why they left us behind." My tone wasn't as cold as I intended, but my point got through to Raquel as she flinched.

Then I hear a laugh, long and borderline psychotic. My heart beats a thousand times a second as it falls into my stomach.

"Why, yes, my darling Richard, you truly are," Kodachi exclaims as she pirouettes over our heads and lands in front of Raquel and me.

Despite knowing I shouldn't turn my back to the gymnast, I turn around and see Chal casually approaching us with his sword out of sheath and in hand.

"You guys must be late. Hermione and the others already left."

Raquel is such an idiot.

"We know. That's how we got here." Chal doesn't elaborate further. Instead, he holds his sword up in a thrusting position. At this point, Raquel picks up that we're likely to die. "Thanks for the help, Boss Lady."

With a flash of black smoke, which makes me recoil, a figure in brown cloth appears off to the side. She doesn't say anything. She just lets a cold chuckle echo across the chamber.

"Rick, what's going on?" Raquel sounds scared, as she should be. "Why is Maleficent here? Who are these people?"

With a bow, sword still in hand, Chal smiles. "We are but humble servants of His Highness."

"It's been a while, Richard." Maleficent finally lets the words slither out of her mouth, like a snake ready to strike. "It was nice of you to meet me here. You brought the Keyblade's former master as well! How exciting."

"Former..." Raquel repeats.

Maleficent slips a hand out from the folds of her cloak, Keyblade in hand. "It was so nice of you to leave this behind for me, Young Lady."

Raising the Keyblade into the air, a light emanates from the handle. It flows through the length of the blade, shooting out when it hits the teeth. Beams of light pierce out in all directions, circle the entirety of the library, and then come together right above a dragon-shaped fountain. A keyhole appears for a split second in a flash of light, then vanishes, and in its place a large door appears.

The frame is marble. Black marble, to be specific. The door itself is white marble. It looks kinda like a piano key.

"She thought she had me outsmarted. Foolish child," Maleficent tuts as she approaches the door, Keyblade in hand. She stops, looking at Raquel and me. "Kill them."

Chal looks greedy as he readies his sword. But then a shout rings out.

"Expelliarmus!"

A blast of red hits Maleficent in the side, her body flying in one direction and the Keyblade in another. Without even thinking, Raquel darts for the downed weapon.

"NO!" Maleficent screams and the cheerleader spins around Chal's sword and dives for the Keyblade.

The moment her hand touches it, Maleficent cries out in pain as a golden light is ripped from her body and jets into Raquel's. Chal swings his sword downward, only to have the blade repelled by the Keyblade.

"YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Maleficent screams at a darkened corner. She pulls a black staff from her cloak and points it at the corner, but nothing happens.

"Heartless can't be summoned here. Did you forget that?" With a determined look on her face, Hermione emerges from the shadows where she had previously remained undetected. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Green light flies in Maleficent's direction from Hermione's wand, but the witch vanishes and it instead hits a table, causing it to explode.

It's right after this that I suddenly lose the ability to breathe.

Fingers try to pry the ribbon loose so I can breathe, but Kodachi won't have it. She jerks even tighter and tears well up in my eyes. Forgetting about her was so stupid.

"My darling Richard, how I've missed you," she whispers in my ear as I choke. "We could've been so beautiful together, but instead you had to go do such abominable things. I can't have that anymore."

She yanks even tighter on the ribbon around my neck and it cuts into my skin like a knife. Blood starts to trickle, but it'snot deep. My arms flail about uselessly, unable to decide if they want to push Kodachi away or try to give my throat some leeway to breathe. Raquel takes the choice away.

Kodachi's hand letsgo of the ribbon as Raquel's shoulder slams into her back. We allgo tumbling and I smack my head on a table leg. The two women recover quickly and I catch a glimpse of Kodachi jump into the air, Raquel following her on the ground.

I grab the table and slowly hoist myself up. It's covered in books and scrolls and I see a letter opener. I grab it. Then an explosion of blood covers the table as a sword scrapes the wood. Looking down, I see that the sword is coming from my abdomen.

"Die already," Chal growls as he twists the sword. Any breath I had leaves my body. My legs collapse and I hear the sickening sound of the blade scraping against the bones that constitute my rib cage. Yet, I feel no pain beyond a pinching sensation.

When he pulls the sword out, the sensation my body is experiencing catches up with my brain. Nausea and pain overwhelms my body as I vomit blood onto his boots. He kicks it off and slams his foot into my face, knocking out a tooth or two.

"Enjoy Hell, you bastard."

Chal turns, sword scraping the stone floor. Feeling through the pain and the haze clouding my eyes, I realize I still have the letter opener in my hand and lash out. The blade isn't particularly sharp, but it still manages to cut through the tendon connecting Chal's right foot to his leg.

He falls, half on me. Not knowing what else to do, and adrenaline the only reason I haven't passed out, I grab the hair on his head with my free hand and stab the letter opener into his neck with the other. Chal grabs at my hand and yanks the letter opener from his throat before realizing that it was the wrong thing to do.

Blood sprays from his neck into the air. It falls onus bothas I close my eyes and resume plunging the makeshift weapon into his body. Tears wash the blood from my eyes enough for me to open them. He's stopped moving.

I shove his corpse off me, my body protesting every movement. The adrenaline starts to fade. My body becomes sluggish and I feel that scarily familiar feeling to go to sleep.

"Episkey." I'm sure someone yelled it, but my brain is more concerned by the sudden heat in my midsection. It starts to fade and then grows cold. Slowly, and painfully, I prop myself up against a leg of the table and wipe face with my sleeve. Whether I removed blood or smeared more on is irrelevant.

My wound is still ugly as hell, but has stopped bleeding. I'm assuming one of the gals cast a healing spell on me when I wasn't looking.

Hard as it is to lift my head, I watch as the four women fight. Raquel is barely keeping up with Kodachi. Hermione is throwing spell after spell in language after language at Maleficent,but nothing is connecting. Thankfully, Maleficent is fallingon the defensive and can't counterattack.

Then, catching everyone off guard, Kodachi leaps directly over Raquel's head, just out of reach of the teeth of the Keyblade, and delivers a kick to the back of Hermione's head. As the witch collapses to the ground, the gymnast regroups and launches herself at Raquel. The cheerleader anticipates this and casts an ice attack directly at Kodachi's face instead of trying a physical attack that could easily be dodged.

As the Black Rose flails about trying to breathe and dodge Raquel's follow up attacks, Hermione_ that needs to be deleted _holds her wand out and cries, "Reducto!"

The moment the spell hits an unaware Kodachi, the gymnast explodes in a fiery shower of blood and gore.

Laughter fills the chamber as the creak of a door opening is heard. Everyone looks over and watches as Maleficent slips into the light beyond.

"CRUCIO!" Hermione screams as she flings a curse at Maleficent, but it bounces harmlessly off the closing door. And before anyone can reach her,Maleficent is gone.

A string of curses leaves Hermione's lips as she stands and tries to balance herself. Raquel drops the Keyblade, which vanishes the moment she lets it go, and runs over to help support Hermione.

"DAMMIT! We lost her!" thewitch rages. "We need to follow her!"

"We will," Raquel says in an assuring voice. "But we can't right now."

"She'll get away."

I croak out a few words, which catch them by surprise. "You don't even know where she went."

An upset but understanding face plants itself on Hermione. "Sad as it is to say, you're right, Rick. We'll get her. Her influence shouldn't be that hard to track. Besides, we have the Keyblade bearer."

As if on cue, the Keyblade appears in Raquel's hand. She looks at me and doesn't say a word as she casts a spell that makes my pain diminish significantly. Then, the sword vanishes again. She walks over to me, kneels down, and hugs me.

I don't even feel the urge to fight her off.

"Rick, I'm so happy you're okay. I was worried you were going to die when HE," her eyes briefly flick over to Chal's corpse, "attacked you."

Then she buries her head into the crick between my neck and shoulder and cries. And even though it hurts, I swing my arm over her shoulder and hold her. My eyes meet Hermione's. "Take care of her."

The witch straightens her robe and keeps my gaze. "I will. And when we come back, I'll be sure to take you home."

"This is our home," I tell her as Raquel continues to cry. Poor thing. She's seen more horror and death than most people could ever handle. I'm surprised I could handle it. "If the others get..."

"When," Hermione interrupts. "When they get back, tell Celes what happened. Please. She'll know what to do."

My eyes close and I breathe deeply. It hurts, but my lungsare thankful. "How do you know they're coming back?"

"Because I believe in them." Her answer is incredibly simple and I don't want to complicate it. "It may take years, but Gaia will be itself again. The walls between the worlds will repair themselves. And when that happens, you won't be able to go back."

"I don't want to go back. And I don't think you do, either."

Hermione doesn't correct me. Raquel, however, chokes down a sob. "What about me?"

"You're the Keyblade Master. You can go wherever you want, whenever you want," Hermione explains. "But, you have a hard life ahead. And it may not be a long one. You can always come to me for help, though." Bitch doesn't sugarcoat anything.

"You guys should go," I tell them. "You're wasting time."

"Weren't you just telling us not to leave so soon?" Raquel asks.

Hermione gets it, though. "Tell everyone we said goodbye, Rick. And I want you to promise me something."

"I'll be alive to see you come home," I tell her with a smile.

She flashes her buckteethat me in a big grin as she helps Raquel to her feet. I'm left with instructions on where to find potions and other such things around the library, and then they disappear into the light beyond the door. The door vanishes behind them.

The End

A/N: I was originally planning on making this a two chapter event, which sadly took over two years to write, but I'm satisfied with what I chose instead. Not happy, but satisfied. A conclusion has been reached, and that in and of itself is a goal that I'm incredibly proud of.

So, thank you for your patience and for sticking with me through writer's block, bursts of inspiration, and everything in between. Thank you, Tabansi232, for editing this chapter for me. I appreciate all my readers and fans more than you'll ever know. And, if you have any questions about the story, feel free to PM me. Beyond that, I have nothing else to say but, once again, thank you.


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